Wonder Woman Around the House

"Wonder Woman! Wonder Woman!  Wonder, where the fuck are you?"

"Oh, Perry, I'm sorry I'm so late! I had to slay a radioactive monster from one of Jupiter's moons that was attacking New York City.  It could breathe fire and play music by ABBA!"

"So? There's no dinner, the dog isn't walked, and no matter how many times I've told you, you put the toilet seat down again!  

"Honey, I'm so-so-so sorry, but the monster was so incredibly vicious it ate all three of the Baldwin brothers, although it did spit out the goofy one Steven. Finally I had to call on Superman to help me catapult it back into space."

"I know.  I've been watching it all day on CNN.  Bet the only reason you called Superman was because you're interested in his Man of Steel."

"No, Perry, no! I'm fully 100% satisfied with your manhood!"

"Well, that's cause you're Jewish, you've probably seen even smaller."

"What would you like for dinner, Honey?  I can fly to Maine and get you a choice lobster, search the sea for the best oysters, or travel back in time for some awesome meat from a woolly mammoth." 

"I'll take the lobster. But step on it, Wonder!"

"Of course, dear,  and .... oh there's the phone. Honey, it's Aquaman!"

"You mean AquaLame?  Tell him to go bother someone from the Marvel Universe."

"Yes, Aquaman?  A huge oil rig has exploded?  Dozens of workers drowning?! A tidal wave of oil threatens to make obsolete hundreds of ocean species?!!  Japan is about to sink beneath the waves?!!!"

"Could we have sex first before you leave?"

"Oh, Perry, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I've got to go.  As soon as I get back, I'll envelope you in my Lasso of Sex, sometimes wrongly called my Lasso of Truth."

"Bye, Wonder."

"Goodbye, Perry, love of my immortal life!"

"So you see, folks, being married to Wonder Woman is not all it's cracked up to be.  And she's Orthodox to boot so she spends most of Shabbot in shul!"

"I guess that's okay.  I sure can use a break from the many hours of phenomenal sex we have every day but Saturday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Honey, I'm home.  Got your mammoth dinner!"

Note: As many know, Gal Gadot who plays Wonder Woman is a Jewish Israeli. She's the kind of girl I used to knock off by the carload back in the day when I was cute! That carload being a Matchbox carload.

Supergirl, Then And Now

Even though I'm more or less sick of the surfeit of superheroes on TV and in the movies over past years, I did watch the first two episodes of the new highly touted TV show Supergirl.

I was compelled to.  You see, I had to find out how my first female pre-adolescent crush is faring these days, and if the new show is any indication, she's faring well, and shit, she's faring quite well without me!  

In my prime comic book reading days in the late 50's and early 60's, I was always drawn to the DC Superman family of comics. While the cooler kids were reading the darker and more bad-ass Marvel Comics featuring the likes of Spider-Man and the Hulk, I was hangin' with Superman's Pal Jimmy Olson. Superman comics even featured a character named "Perry," although he was an unimaginable 45 years old or so and by far the least important character in the entire Superman legend.

Hell, Perry White didn't even have his own comic book!

Nestled within the Superman family was Supergirl, born Kara from Krypton. Although she had the same powers as Superman, the big guy chose to keep her under wraps as his Secret Emergency Weapon for several years while he wrestled with the concept of a superhero cuter than he was. But it was in those early days that Kara from Krypton, in her alter ego as Linda Lee Danvers, showed up next door to me in Merion PA.

Why someone named Linda Lee Danvers was moving into a neighborhood as Jewish as a bagel with a schmear I'll never know, but I was delighted she did. A few years older and wiser than I, she would take me flying high through the stratosphere while I popped Dramamine as fast as I could. Together we battled some of the more minor villains in the DC Universe, like Joola the Jaywalker and Matel-Ri, the Mattress Label Ripper Offer.

Supergirl spoke to me of truth and justice; I hoped she would also teach me something about the... um ... American Way, but odds are she didn't know much about that yet herself. 

As a sign of their friendship, Superman gave Jimmy Olson a special signal watch that called him whenever Jimmy was in danger. Not to be outdone, Supergirl gave me a set of maracas. They were a bit less subtle but very effective; for a dazzling year or two in the early 1960's, not a single fifth grade girl dared beat me up.

But times changed. Supergirl's existence came out to the world and she began hobnobbing with the major superheroes and even President Kennedy while I transitioned from the Girl of Steel to buns of steel --- with accompanying superboobs --- in Playboy Magazine. I doubt I was alone among early teen-aged boys in going straight from DC to sleaz-ee back in the day. 

But I never forgot Kara from Krypton. 

And so I tuned into the new Supergirl show the last two weeks, and it is slick. Supergirl is adorably played by Melissa Benoist and she is stronger, funnier, and cuter that her comic book forebear ever was. Everything about the show is first class including the acting, production values, and special effects, and I can't help but wonder how George Reeves, the screen's best ever Superman, would have felt if he could have seen the Grade A treatment given Supergirl compared to the schlock values affixed to his 50’s show. 

Who knows, he might have chosen to stick around.

But there’s no denying it:  Supergirl doesn't need me anymore. An A-Lister in every respect with a sister and two dedicated friends who know her identity, she even works for a Devil Wears Prada modeled-boss played by Calista Flockhart.  And Supergirl is also 24 years old. How did I age 55 years while she aged only 8?  I guess there's no limit to the powers of the people from Krypton.

I probably won't watch Supergirl any more, but I'm glad to know it's on TV and I'm glad to see how well Linda Lee is doing.

Up, up, and away, Kara from Krypton!  May you fly high and proud.

And maybe once in a while, could your old friend hitch a ride too?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Batman v. Superman v. WTF?

The recent release of a trailer for the upcoming movie Batman v. Superman has gotten a lot of people looking forward to seeing the film, and I guess I’m one of them.

I say “I guess”  because I’m sick of superhero movies.  We've reached the point of such superhero saturation that the new movie will also feature Aquaman, a superhero so insipid his greatest power is the ability to order mackerel to defecate on the bad guys should they happen to fall underwater. 

I've always liked both Batman and Superman, however, but pairing them together in the same movie is kind of strange.* Superman is the most powerful being in all of time and space. Batman?  He has as many super powers as you and I except he looks a lot better in tights. 

Frankly, Batman is only a big cheese in a universe in which there is no Superman.  So what does Batman have to offer the Man of Steel in a world in which they both exist?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman!  Lex Luthor has catapulted a huge Kryptonite boulder right in our path!

Batman:  Great Scott, Superman, you're right!  Umm ... are you feeling sick, by any chance?

Superman:  No, Batman, I'm sitting here playing strip poker with Wonder Woman. Yes, I'm feeling sick! Hurry, remove the Kryptonite and put it in the lead containment box!

Batman:  Of course, Superman.  But first, we've got a few things to discuss.

Superman:  A few things to discuss?  

Batman:  To tell you the truth, Superman, I'm sick of being the junior member in this partnership.  I want a broader role.

Superman:  But, Batman, I only need you whenever there’s Kryptonite around. That's the job: you pick up the Kryptonite, you put it in the box, and then go take study hall.

Batman:  Yeah, for which you pay me the grand sum of Superhero Minimum Wage!

Superman: But that's all the job's worth. Frankly I could get Aquaman to do this. 

Batman:  Aquaman? That's a low blow.

Superman:  Batman, please hurry!  I'm so nauseated I feel like I've just seen a Val Kilmer movie!

Batman:  Cool your pecs, Clark!  I want a raise and a company match in the "Strange Visitor from Another Planet 401 (k) Plan!"

Superman: But Batman, (cough, cough, cough!) aren't you a millionaire as Bruce Wayne?

Batman: Ever heard of Bernie Madoff, Superman?

Superman:  Okay, okay!  What do you want? 

Batman:  Let’s make it 45 bucks an hour, a 6 % match, and a health care plan that covers having the shit kicked out of you by Bane.

Superman:  Sure (cough, sputter) sure, whatever you say!

Batman:  And I want you to help get the Superhero Minimum Wage raised.

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman, that'll ruin the economy and cost superhero jobs! What will Kochman say?

Batman:  Kochman?! Great Scott, Superman, you’re a conservative?

Superman:  I am. For me truth, justice, and the American way is the Second Amendment, Fox News, and "let's impeach the Muslim President."

Batman:  Superman:   I quit. 

Superman:  You quit?  Batman,  where are you going? 

Batman: Maybe you can get Kochman to help you out at Superhero Minimum Wage.

Superman: Great Scott, Batman, I'm turning into a plate of Kryptonian Goulash!!!

Batman:    Great Scott, Superman, I'm sorry!  Looks like maybe I am the hero Earth needs after all.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Back when I was a kid, Superman and Batman were always paired in World's Finest Comics, which was anything but. The stories were silly and the artwork often second tier. Even when I was ten, I didn't buy it.

The Adventures of Super Ass, Internet Breaker!

On the set of the cable reality show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." Kim Kardashian is seen alone in her room.

Kim: This is terrible! (beginning to cry) I was promised they would not show my breasts! Then they print these awful pictures that were meant just for my husband, Usher!

Director:  Kim, that's Kanye West.

Kim: (crying hysterically) Kanye Whatever!  What do they think I am, some kind of blatant and shameless publicity seeker?!  I swear as God is my witness I will never pose naked again!

Director: And that's cut!  Kim, that was wonderful!  How did you manage to bring out the tears in that scene?

Kim: I thought about the fact that some people in the remotest areas of the four corners of the world have never yet seen my tits, and I just lost it! 

Director: Don't worry, Kim. Someday they will. Someday they will.

Kim:  Look! Overhead!

Director:  What is it? That beam of light in the sky?

Kim: It's the Ass Signal! To the Ass Pole!

Kim grabs a bucket of skin oil and ducks into her dressing room as she begins to pull down her pants. The scene shifts to the downtown hotel room of famed comedian Bill Cosby, where Cosby is seen with a young model named Samantha. 

Cosby: Hey, hey, hey,  Samantha!  Let me mix you my special drink.

Samantha: That would be nice, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby:  It's called the Cosby Cock-tail.  It's aptly named.   

Samantha: Bottoms up, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby:  Let's hope so, hey, hey, hey!  

Samantha: Gee, I never had a bubbling drink like this before. 

Cosby:  So then Fat Albert was running down the street in North Philadelphia and he said "throw me the ball" but then he bumped into Old Weird Harold and Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert decided to go the corner store to buy gum, but Fat Albert said that gum would stick to the ball and Old Weird Harold .... 

Samantha:  I'm beginning to get drowsy, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby:  The drugs! They must be starting to work.

Samantha:  It isn't the drugs, Mr. Cosby, it's your boring totally unfunny monologue. I can't fight it, my eyes are closing!

Cosby:  Either way, hey, hey, hey!

Cosby begins advancing on Samantha as she falls to the ground.  Suddenly the window shatters and in flies a huge well-oiled ass, with a big red S on its thighs!

Cosby: Oh, no!  It's  Super Ass, Internet Breaker!  

Super Ass: Hello, Cos. Long time, no see. 

Cosby:  What are you doing here, Super Ass?

Super Ass: Your behavior is despicable, Cos.  I've come to stop it! 

Cosby: You mean doping and ravishing young girls?

Super Ass: No, you idiot, I mean getting too damn much attention on the Internet!  Some people are actually posting about you instead of me!

Cosby: Stay back, Super Ass, or I'll blow the Internet sky high with further revelations!

Super Ass: You don't scare me, Cosby! Prepare to die! On the Internet, that is.

Super Ass knocks Cosby to the ground, flies to the sleeping Samantha and snatches her up,  and carries her to safety.  

Super Ass:  See, Cos?  Now you've done nothing disgusting tonight. Nothing to post about.

Cosby:  (seeing the benefit) That's right.  That's .... good!

Super Ass:  Next I'll travel into the past and undo every other sexual outrage of yours so there'll be nothing notable about you in 2014 except your liver spots.  

Cosby: Gee, thanks Super Ass!  Hey, hey, hey!

Super Ass: Don't mention it, Cos.  Removing a pathetic old pervert like you as a rival in my attempt to Break the Internet is my pleasure! 

Super Ass flies into the sky, off for her next Internet Breaking adventure! 

On-Lookers from the Street: 

Look up in the sky!

It's Absurd! 

It's a Shame!

It's ....

 Super Ass, Internet Breaker!  

Have you posted about her today?

The End (no pun intended)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the Hill Hero

"Bruce, what are you doing?"

"I've got to save this poor individual trapped beneath a barrage of falling pillows, Selena!"

"Bruce, that's a doll with striped socks.  No one is in any danger whatsoever."

"Oh, I see!  Well, perhaps I'll just check to see if ....."

"The Bat Signal is on?  It hasn't been on in years!  And why that ridiculous nautical headgear?"

"The mask isn't for you.  It's for those you love."

"Oh, Selena, this is terrible!" said her neighbor Sarah. "What happened?"

"He's been this way ever since he turned 55, the Joker beat him in thumb wrestling, and Bane finally succeeded in blowing up Gotham City."

"Can anything be done for him?"

"Don't worry; Superman is coming over to play checkers. That always perks him up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I doubt anyone could help but wonder how a superhero like Batman, someone who is used to contending with arch villains and routinely saving the planet,  manages to make the transition to contending with bird poop on his favorite park bench and routinely saving string.  This is the theme of my post today in response to the picture prompt above for this week's Friday Fictioneers. 

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's the other Friday Fictioneers flying high with their own interpretations of the same prompt. No telling where they'll land, so do yourself a favor and ride along by clicking above.

It's good that Batman and Superman will at least have each other to reminisce about old times together with.  Not to mention a stimulating talk or two about prune juice. 

Some Kind of Hero

Where it came from, no one knew, but the monster had already destroyed half the town and was threatening to destroy the other half!

The call went out for a hero.  Fortunately I was on the other line at the time, and I have no call waiting.

There came a knock at the door. 

"Perry, open up, we need you!  No one else can stop the monster!"

"I've got the flu," I called back. "And I broke my knee.  Plus I'm not home."

The townsfolk battered down the door.  "Perry, you're our only hope.''

"But why me?!   I passed out during Shrek!"

"Because, Perry, you're secretly Superman!  Did you forget?"

"Shit, you're right!" I said, dropping trou to reveal the familiar red underpants underneath.

One thing that sure isn't super about me is my memory. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Up, up, and away! That's where most people usually want me to be anyway, so this week I can fully oblige right after I make short work of the monster in my adventurous tale for the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above.

You won't need X-ray Vision to enjoy the contributions of the other Fictioneers.  All you need to do is click on the up, up,and away which is up, up and above to go up,up,and away to read as many as you want. Whew, even Superman gets tired!

I hope you don't need any saving in the week ahead because I'll be in the Fortress of Solitude watching Shrek.  I think maybe I can finally get through it now ....  

Superman's New Power

The makers of the soon to premiere motion picture Man of Steel have promised a major reboot reboot of the Superman legend this time around and who can blame them?   The last Superman film, Superman Returns, was a clunker, among its various sins the featuring of an actor so uncharismatic as the Man of Steel that not only were you rooting for Lex Luthor to knock him off with Kryptonite, you wanted to aid and abet Kevin Spacey in doing the deed yourself!

Changes to the Superman cannon in the upcoming film have been closely guarded, but rumors include the non-destruction of the planet Krypton, a "Jenny Olson," and an actress who is actually talented and good-looking in the role of Lois Lane, notwithstanding the best Lois ever, Noel Neill. But we have now learned that the most major change of all is the addition of a dramatic new power in the arsenal of Superman  capabilities!

Starting on June 14, the strange visitor from another planet whose powers are far beyond those of normal men will now also possess the incredible ability to  

Make a great cup of coffee first time, every time!

********

"Superman, incredibly aromatic and delicious as always!  We'll be able to stop Luthor's plan to rule the world easily now,  thank you!"

"UP,  UP and AWAY!"

"Where are you off to now, Superman?"

"Off to make super coffee for SEAL Team Six, the CIA, and the Democratic Party. Of course, to help the Democrats I'm going to have to make several pots!"

*******

"Superman, Starbucks is threatening to take over Metropolis!  They're opening a new franchise here every 15 minutes!"

"Don't worry, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny!  I'm building a new franchise called "Coffee by Krypton" serving  my special Fortress of Solitude blend! There I'm using my X-Ray Vision to create WIFI wherever there is no Starbucks!"

"Hurray, Superman!  Metropolis is saved!"

"Not yet, Jenny! To truly vanquish Starbucks,  I'll need all my strength to serve hip artistic sensibilities along with the coffee!"

*******

"Oh my God, Superman,  these beans have not yet been ground!  How can we fight the alien invasion without great coffee?!"

"Never worry, General!   I can grind the beans with my super strength in an instant. I'll just grab them in the  palm of my hand and squeeze tightly, the same way I take a lump of coal and make ... Damn!

"What's happening, Superman?  

"I keep turning them into diamonds!"

*******

"It's Kryptonite, Mr. White!  It's sapping Superman's strength.  His coffee is weak and tepid, hardly robust at all!"

"Must ... measure better.  Must ... pour longer.   Must ...must ...  scoop stronger!"

"Quick, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny!  Wrap the Kryptonite in lead or the earth is doomed!  Or at least stuck drinking Lex Luthor Latte from now on!"  

*******

"What is it, Lois?"

"You know,  Jenny,  Clark's never around when Superman shows up and he looks exactly like Superman with glasses.  Also I've had sex with both of them and neither was exactly good to the last drop, if you catch my drift."

"Lois, that's ridiculous! Clark doesn't even post about coffee on Facebook, unheard of for a writer!" 

"Well, I'm going to try something right now.  Clark, get me a cup of coffee, will you?"

"Sure, Lois!  Sanka, Maxwell House, or freeze-dried?"

"Next time I talk such nonsense, Jenny,  trade me to Aquaman!

************************

Of course whether movie audiences will readily wrap themselves up in the Man of Steel's mighty red cape is yet to be seen,  but one thing is for sure, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny: whether the new Superman truly is more powerful than a locomotive or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, he certainly will have the power to make us all go faster than a speeding bullet! 

And for those of us who love coffee, that's nothing less than Super, man!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like Why Superman Hasn't Saved You Lately From Marauding Aliens,  Why Superman Doesn't Need a Secret Identity, and The Next Dark Knight Rising.

If you hated this post, I hope Superman serves you Sanka first time, every time.

The Greatest Invention Ever

It may be a bit of hyperbole to call it that, but Superman couldn't think straight without it,  and without it  Batman might as well call himself Bruce and fight crime in a tuxedo.  And its inventor is  indeed one of the richest men in American.  

Who is he?

Wayne Blitzstein, the inventor of the comic book "thought balloon."

Prior to Blitzstein's dazzling innovation, all characters in comic books thought in the same manner in which they spoke.  A word balloon coming to a sharp point directed straight at each character's head was used for both thought and speech.  Consequently every character in every comic book knew exactly what each other was thinking!

Pandemonium ensued. Commissioner  Gordon, the  Joker, the Penguin, and every other resident of Gotham City knew Batman's secret identity, rendering him far less effective as a crime fighter.  Mostly he just gave out parking tickets and posed with Dorothy Lamour. Superman, for his part, was constantly being slapped by Lois Lane whenever he gave her the once-over with his ex-ray vision, causing her to break her hand in every edition of Action Comics until the early sixties!

The worst impact of the so-called Uni-Balloonular System of Comic Art was visited on the romance genre of the comic book. Since characters kissing passionately had to think in the same word balloons they were speaking, their thoughts could consist of nothing more than: 

"Mmm-Wahhhh! Mmmm-Wahhhhhh!"

Gradually romance comic books became almost as sappy and infantile as CNN's approach to news reporting.

Assigned to work on Wonder Woman in the late 1950's, Wayne Blitzstein was rapidly becoming sick of drawing uni-balloons with the words "stop thinking about my tits!" One night while chewing bubble gum and thinking "maybe if I took her down a cup size or two," Blitzstein blew a bubble and made a connection:  thoughts could be separately depicted by a series of bubbles leading to a word balloon, and the sharp pointed balloon reserved for speech! 

Comics were revolutionized! Batman was able to think about how he hated his implausible runt of a sidekick while beating the crap out of the Joker, Lois Lane's hand healed and she grew neurotic and unstable over whether or not Superman dug her, and romantic comic book leads could finally smooch while thinking more mature plot-driven thoughts, such as ....  

She: "I wonder if he knows I'm cheating on him with  fully two-thirds of the Green Bay Packers?"

He:   "I wonder if she knows I'm cheating on her with  fully two-thirds of the Green Bay Packers?"

Wayne Blitzstein became fantastically wealthy and today lives mostly on a private island he owns off the eastern coast of Europe known as England.  A bit of a recluse, he does not like to talk about his billions or his days as the struggling comic book artist who sounded the death knell for the Uni-Balloonular System of Comic Art.

How does he feel about his place in the history of  the comic book?

Who knows?  He always thinks in thought balloons. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mmm-Wahhhh! Mmmm-Wahhhhhh!" no more 

Bedtime Story II

"And then Plastic Man stretched out his arm dozens of feet to snatch the child out of the path of the runaway bus!"

"That's a boring superhero, Uncle Phil."  

"But don't you see, Billy?   He could bounce himself like a ball, mold himself into any shape."

"Phooey!  Tell me a good bedtime story about Superman or Batman, not some lame nobody hero!!!"

"This is a good story. Plastic Man saves the city from Disastro, the Evil Accounting Major."

"NO! And I wanna glass of water too!"  

"Okay, Billy.  Coming right up."

"Good, because .... Wow, Uncle Phil, how'd you do that?!!!"

"Never you mind.  Y'see, Billy, Superman doesn't happen to be your uncle. Now do you want to hear the story or not?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Picture prompt above, story below, and not too horribly off the prescribed 100 word limit at a precise count of 124.  The reason this post is called Bedtime Story II is to distinguish it from Bedtime Story, a piece about my futile attempts to roll my  teenage son back to age 6 and me along with him back to --- well, younger --- by reading him one last bedtime story.   

This is my weekly contribution to the Fabulous Friday Fictioneers and Plastic Man Fan Club for this Friday, February 15, 2013.  I could read you a story now, but you'd be better off bouncing on over to the other fictioneers' talented offerings by clicking the link above.

Goodnight, everybody.  No, you can't have a drink of water!

Super Mitt, Olympics Savior!

Kristi Yamaguchi:   Mitt Romney brought a huge sense of hope to the 2002 Olympics. If it weren't for him, today I'd be waiting tables at some dive in a nondescript suburb of Philadelphia,  getting groped by overage losers like Perry Block. 

Jimmy Shea:  Mitt gets things done. He changed my life.  If it weren't for him,  I'd be pimping, dealing crack, and making loud inconsiderate noises in the public library.

Yes, when the 20o2 Olympics Games were in great danger, the call went out to: 

Super Mitt, Olympics Savior!

Faster than a speeding bullet!

More Powerful than a locomotive!

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!
(And then purchase them and lay off half the workforce.)

Look up in the sky!  It's a bird!  It's a plane!  
(No, it's a dog on top af a car.)

It's Super Mitt!

Yes, it's Super Mitt, strange visitor from another planet.
(You can say that again!)

Who came to Earth with powers far beyond those of mortal men.
(Especially the power to buy and dismember companies like mortal men buy and dismember fish.) 

Who can bend steel in his bare hands.
(And invest in it too, at distressed prices.)

Change the course of mighty rivers! 
(And decry the New Deal, whose dam building made changing the course of mighty rivers an unnecessary dumb ass power.) 

And who, disguised as Mitt Romney, anything but mild-mannered CEO of a great metropolitan equity investment firm, fights a never-ending battle for 

Truth, Justice, and the American Way!

(As interpreted by a vocal and lunatic fringe of the Republican Party.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Super Mitt, thank God you're here!" 

"No need to thank God.  Just thank me - Super Mitt!  It's the same thing."

"Super Mitt, the Olympics are mired in debt!  What can you do?"

"If there's debt, we have to make draconian cuts in the budget.  We'll eliminate certain Olympic events." 

"Which events, Super Mitt?"

"Skiing, skating, ice hockey, ski jumping,  and snowboarding.  That's about it."

"What does that leave us with?"

"Curling.  Everybody loves Curling!"

"But, Super Mitt, that'll fly about as well as any one of your typical public statements."

"Okay, then we'll have to pare down the number of Olympians."

"Who can we pare down?"

"Well,  that annoying Kristi Yamaguchi for one.   Oh, and Jimmy Shea - what a moron!"

"No, Super Mitt, people want to see them."

"Well, we're not going to raise taxes on any millionaires to host the Olympics!"

"No one's suggesting that, Super Mitt."

"See that?  Super Mitt to the rescue!  Of millionaires!"

"Super Mitt, do you want to save the Olympics or not?!!"

"Yes.  And no."

"But you're talking out of both sides of your mouth!

"That is my greatest super power!" 

Despite all this, Super Mitt flew into action and did apparently  do a pretty decent job of getting the Salt Lake City Olympics back on track.

But why not?  He's a strange visitor from another planet.
(You can say that again!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~