Friday, March 30, 2018

Dear Jeff Bezos ... From Michael Cohen




Michael Cohen, Esq.
55 Schmidlap Avenue
New York NY

Mr. Jeff Bezos
Amazon Corporation
201 Coffeesmell Streeet
Seattle WA 

Dear Mr. Bezos:

Please be advised that I am the attorney for a very well-known individual recognized universally both for his highly successful business and show business endeavors who also simultaneously holds an extremely high office in the government of the United States of America.

You’ll never guess who he is.  Don't even try.

Pig Hamper RoundMr. Bezos, my client doesn’t know I am writing to you. It is, however, his firm belief that your company Amazon.com Inc. (hereinafter “Amazon”) poses a major threat to the well-being of America for a number of serious and troubling and generally untrue reasons which he has enumerated elsewhere.*

WIIPU Women Solid Color Long Over Knee High Socks Warm Boot Socks(ST137)You have an awfully nice company here, Mr. Bezos.  So many lovely products that you offer to the American public.  Among those many fine products are a wonderful pig shaped hamper, comfy knee-high leg warmers, and a hilarious book by the world-famous humor writer Perry Block.

What a shame if any one of these items got dented, ripped, or dog-eared before being sent out to any one of your valued customers!

A nightmare in customer relations eh, Mr. Bezos?

The attached Non-Disclosure Agreement provides that Amazon will  henceforth no longer disclose to any person whatsoever any information regarding its business, operations, or products by any and all modes of communications including the internet, television, radio, podcast, printed materials, walking around talking to people, miming, signing, and/or Vulcan mind meld (hereinafter “shut the fuck up.”)

In consideration of shutting the fuck up, Mr. Bezos, you will be paid the substantial sum of $130,000! 

You’re probably thinking is this individual - who doesn’t know I am writing to you - good for such a large sum of money?

Frankly I’m going to have to mortgage my house to get the money.  This is not the first time I have done this, and I’m afraid it probably won’t be the last!  And you’d think he’d pay me back at least once or twice, that goddamn chiseling David Dennison (hereinafter “Not the Dude’s Real Name”)
.
Of course Not the Dude's Real Name doesn't know that I am writing to you.

Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Bezos.  I knew you’d see reason.   And let me give you a piece of good advice: don’t even think about hiring some loudmouth hotshot attorney to try to get Amazon out of shutting the fuck up.

Believe me, you and the attorney will have an awfully stormy road ahead if you try it!

Very truly yours,



Michael Cohen, Esq.


*S
erious and troubling and generally untrue reasons Amazon poses a major threat to the well-being of America

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If you think this post skillfully blends Trump's antagonism toward Amazon and the Stormy Daniels situation, you will also enjoy that hilarious book referenced above by the world-famous humor writer Perry Block. If you think this blending of the two situations doesn't work and this  post sucks, I hope your pig hamper comes alive and eats you!

Friday, March 23, 2018

Wolf Blitzer Crawls Through Nuclear Winter at the End of the World



 Wolf Blitzer climbed through the rubble of the Situation Room at CNN and out into the open air. Dust swirled all around him and the sky was dark and murky.

"This is CNN Breaking News!" he said. "The end of civilization as we know it."

Wolf Blitzer wondered if all his colleagues at CNN were dead. Anderson Cooper dead? True, he deserved punishment for last New Year’s Eve, but this?

Stumbling over the remnants of stores, homes, and Starbucks, Wolf Blitzer heard cries from under a collapsed Starbucks and picked through the rubble to free the poor soul beneath.

“My God, Speaker Ryan!”

“It’s good to be with you, Wolf.”

“Mr. Speaker, it's nuclear Apocalypse!  It’s Armageddon! President Trump has blown everything up!

“That’s concerning."

“Excuse me?”

“Very troubling.”

“Speaker Ryan, we must impeach Trump now!”

“Wolf, now is not the time to rush to any conclusions right after the destruction of the world.”

Wolf Blitzer stumbled forward. Was anyone else alive anywhere?

“Stormy Daniels! How are you?”

“Lousy, Wolf! I was all set to cash in big time, I had an attorney with the disposition of Vin Diesel before his distemper shot, and then this.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Want to have sex, Wolf?  I won’t charge you much.”

“No thanks, Stormy.”

“Do you happen to know if Anderson Cooper survived?”

“He won’t want to have sex either.”

“I thought maybe if he interviewed me again I might hook up for sex with some disgusting base primordial slime.  Believe me, I’m used to that.”

Wolf Blitzer crawled on for what seemed like miles. Then he heard a voice.

“Is anything more fun than a Trump Armageddon?!”

Wolf Blitzer turned and saw President Donald Trump.

“President Trump!  Why did you do it? Why did you blow up the world?”

"That's Fake News."

"Fake News?"

"I didn't blow up the world. Obama blew up the world." 

“That’s a lie!"

"Then it was loser Mueller.  Remind me to fire him for blowing up the world."

"Is there no way to rid ourselves of you? Are you truly unstoppable?" 

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and destroy the Earth and not lose any voters!"

"You already did that."

Wolf Blitzer crawled on through the darkness and decay of the nuclear winter and pondered the end of civilization as we know it.

Maybe, he thought, it was finally time to retire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block-Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. If you hated this post, I hope you get sued by Stormy Daniels' attorney without ever first getting to have sex with Stormy Daniels. But I still want you to buy my book. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Smile, Darn Ya, Smile!

 
I knew this would happen!
(And I look so young in this picture too.) 


They say “smile and the whole world smiles with you,” but that’s not always true.

Especially if you happen to be a Boomer.

Back when I was in my thirties and forties and an attractive young woman walked past me on the street, I had two choices of appropriate facial behavior:

1)  Look up, look down, look away, and not smile for abject fear she would … gasp … not smile back! A fate worse than death. Maybe a lot worse!

2)  Look up, look at her, and smile pleasantly. Which usually did produce a smile in return which was always lovely to look at just by virtue of being a smile. A smile  providing me with a pleasant gratified feeling, and shortly thereafter a rousing sexual fantasy.

Sometimes the experience was even more fun.

During one particularly rainy afternoon in Philadelphia I smiled at an attractive blonde with an umbrella being buffeted by the wind and rain. “This really sucks, doesn’t it?” she said smiling in a particularly charming and impish manner.

No, it didn’t suck for me … it made my day!  And I even managed to hold off the sordid fantasy until later that evening.

Now I am sixty … umm …. err… number!  And now if I walk down the street, and an attractive young woman approaches, I am seized with an insecurity I have not known since tenth grade public speaking class.

OMG, what do I do?

If I smile at her, will she think?

1) Why is that grandfather smiling at me?  Maybe he has a granddaughter my age? Okay, I’ll give him a sympathy smile.

2) Why is that refugee from the movie Cocoon smiling at me? Doesn’t he realize that NOT EVEN if he were the last man on Earth and Earth were about to careen into the sun?

3) Why is that refugee from a Mathew Brady Civil War daguerreotype smiling at me? Doesn’t he realize that NOT EVEN if he were the last man on Earth and I were drunker than I have ever been in my life and I possessed no functioning vision whatsoever and the Earth were about to careen into the sun?

4) Help! Police! Help! 

So I usually don’t smile because none of those outcomes seems desirable.  Getting a “This really sucks, doesn’t it?” seems as long ago and far away as the  first Star Wars movie.

OMG, here come a young woman now! When I was her age, Ronald Reagan was in diapers!

Well, know what? I’m friendly. I’m nice. I’m not in mothballs yet.

I’m going to smile!

(Just in case of the worst, will you arrange to pay my bail?)

I smile.

She smiles back.

“Good morning!” she says brightly. “Always nice to see a smile first thing in the morning!”

How about that?

So, fellow Boomer guys, always let a smile be your umbrella!

That the next young woman will smash you over the head with!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block-Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. If you hated this post, then I hope nobody ever smiles at you again!  But I still want you to buy my book. 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Not Enough Hours in the Day? Introducing Schlossertime!



How many times have you said that there simply aren't enough hours in the day?  That you don’t have enough time to do everything you have to do?

And why doesn't somebody do something about it?

Finally someone has. 

Professor Maximillian Schlosser of the University of Havertown has developed a brilliant innovation to time which breaks down each day of the year into three segments instead of two. The three segments will be:

1)  Daytime
2)  Nighttime
3)  Schlossertime!

 "I believe that the invention of Schlossertime," says Professor Schlosser, "is nothing less than the most important scientific development since the discovery of masturbation by 11 year old Ricky Scoggins of Ft. Wayne Indiana in 1947."

"I have named Schlossertime after myself," adds the professoor, " because none of you idiots thought of it!"

Under the new daily structure, Daytime will start the moment we go to work and continue until we leave work for a total of 11.5 hours. Next comes Schlossertime  [patent pending] --- based on calculations so complex and intricate that even Professor Schlosser calls them “boner killers” --- for 12 hours 45 minutes.

"During Schlossertime,"says Professor Schlosser,"folks get to spend time with the family and/or read and watch television,  especially if they happen to be Schlosser Owls.”

Nighttime follows for ten hours and 15 minutes bringing Total Daily Hours (TDH) to 33 hours, 34 1/2 minutes instead of the passe and laughably scant 24 hours. 

Schlossertime easily surpasses the the “Minute to Unlimit” Concept put forth  in recent years by a team from Harvard University which proposes splitting each minute into two sub-minutes --- i.e. 5:32 P.M. (A) and 5:32 (B) --- to double the number of minutes in each day.

Unfortunately experiments with the Minute Double-a-tron failed to meet expectations when one minute (8:47 Friday March 15 2034) went berserk and went on a rampage, killing several Harvard researchers before being subdued with a snooze alarm.

Schlossertime will be implemented later this year throughout all blue states in America. If it works as well as projected, we will have plenty of time to really fuck the shit out of  the red states.  At least until Schlossertime spreads nationwide on July 18, 2019 at 4:35 A.M. which happens to be --- wait for it ---  Schlossertime.

Happy Schlossertime, everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you'll like my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and should order it right awayIf you hated this post, I hope you wind up watching Jimmy Fallon and listening to ABBA for all 12 hours and 45 minutes of each and every Schlossertime! 

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

"The Tragedy of Julius Trump" by William Shakespeare


ACT I


Enter JULIUS TRUMP with BETSY DEVOSSIAN, and the members of the Senate GARIUS COHEN, DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS, STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS, JAREDIUS KUSHNER, and PAULUS RYAN.
Amongst the great crowd, a humble SOOTHSAYER approaches JULIUS TRUMP.

SOOTHSAYER
O Mighty Trump!  I must speak with you!

JULIUS TRUMP
Out of my way, knave!  I’m the only one here who is important!

 (Let’s establish character right away, folks!)

SOOTHSAYER
Beware the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP
The eyes of March? Don’t you mean The Eyes of Laura Mars?

SOOTHSAYER
No, I doth not mean a lame 40 year old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Faye Dunaway.  I mean “The Ides of March!”

JULIUS TRUMP
Oh, I see. What are Ides?

SOOTHSAYER
March 15, Mighty Trump! 
(Mighty stupid Trump, that is!)

JULIUS TRUMP
What shall happen then? Another lying harlot shall dispute my troth?  Sad.

SOOTHSAYER
It’s even worse than a disputed troth, Mighty Trump.

JULIUS TRUMP
What could be worse than a disputed troth?

SOOTHSAYER
A deceased troth.

JULIUS TRUMP
Oy vay! Homina … homina …. Homina!

SOOTHSAYER
Art thou fraught with fear, Mighty Trump?

JULIUS TRUMP
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant taste of death but once.
Unfortunately I had five draft deferments for a most deadly bone spur,
Which prohibited me from proving my valor,
But once I didst kill a small spider in the bathtub without passing out!

JULIUS TRUMP draws faithful BETSY DEVOSSIAN aside.

JULIUS TRUMP
Let me have men about me that are fat.
BETSY DEVOSSIAN
Fat as thou, Mighty Trump?
For I hath seen you playing tennis,
Wish I couldst unsee that!


JULIUS TRUMP
Of course not that fat!
The size perhaps of the 400 pound man on his bed
Who hath hacked into Crookedess Hilary’s e-mails.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN
Oh, only that fat!
But why does thou fear Garius Cohen?


JULIUS TRUMP
Yon Garius has a lean and hungry look;
Woudst that take him out for a steak dinner, good Betsy
And render him fat and contented?

BETSY DEVOSSIAN
Fear him not, Trump,
He is a noble Roman and well given.
Umm… you’re paying for the dinner, right?

JULIUS TRUMP
Would he were fatter! He reads much;
And reads books without pop-up pictures, as I love.
He looks quite through the deeds of men:
Though I don’t think he’s caught on to Stormius Danielius yet!
He loves no plays, as thou dost, De Vossian,
Though I didst hear he tried to get into Hamilton, too lean & hungry to afford!

Act II

It is the Ides of March.
JULIUS TRUMP enters the town square.  Across the square from him at the Capital are the members of the Senate.
SOOTHSAYER enters.

JULIUS TRUMP
 (To the Soothsayer)
Heh-Heh. The Ides of March are come. 

SOOTHSAYER
Ay, Trump; but not gone.

JULIUS TRUMP
You know … you got a point there!

SOOTHSAYER
You are a dummy, aren’t you?

GARIUS COHEN calls to Trump from the Senate.

GARIUS COHEN
Mighty Trump! Come join us.

JULIUS TRUMP
Sorry, Garius! Umm …Bone spurs acting up! 
Think I’ll take the day off.
Go home and watch Foxhuntias News.

PAULUS RYAN
We hath a most funny jest for thee, Mighty Trump. It’ll slay you!

JULIUS TRUMP
That's what I fear!
I must not tarry
I doth not want to miss Sean Hannitus!

STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS
C’mon, Mighty Trump, it’s a knock-knock joke!

JULIUS TRUMP
Okay, but just for a moment.
JULIUS TRUMP joins the others at the Senate

JULIUS TRUMP
Knock-knock …

GARIUS COHEN
O Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP
O Trump?  That’s a lousy punchline.

PAULUS TYAN
Great Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP
Yes, Paulus, there has never been one greater. Except the late great Alexander the Great, and I can be every bit as Emperorlidential as him any time I want. 

STEVIUS MNUCHIUS
Speak, hands for me!

MNUCHINUS stabs TRUMP.

JULIUS TRUMP
That's a big pair of hands you’re stabbing me with, Stevius! Guys … uh … are they bigger than mine?

DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP
You staying awake long enough to stab me, Carsonius? You are good with that scalpel after all.  Ooops, there goes my esophagus!

PAULUS RYAN stabs JULIUS TRUMP

JULIUS TRUMP
You too, Paulus? I preferred it when you were kissing my ass instead of carving it like Christmas dinner.    

All the conspirators come forth to stab TRUMP many times.

JULIUS TRUMP
Guys, remember when I said I could run into a school without a weapon and take on a crazed shooter?  Well, being stabbed to death isn’t so fun, so I guess being shot to death isn’t either. May I take that back please?

Conspirators continue to stab JULIUS TRUMP.  It’s like a Quentin Tarantino movie!

JULIUS TRUMP
This is the bloodiest assassination ever! In the entire history of Rome, there has never been a bloodier assassination!

GARIUS COHEN approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP
What was it, Garius?  You hateth tariffs that much?

GARIUS COHEN
No, I just fucking can’t stand you!

JULIUS TRUMP
I am a loud mouth jerk, you’re right.  

Now JAREDIUS KUSHNER strides up to JULIUS TRUMP, looks him in the eye and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP
Et-tu, Kush-te?

JAREDIUS KUSHNER
Yes, I Et. I definitely Et!

JULIUS TRUMP
Then fall Trump.

JAREDIUS KUSHNER
OMG that might trigger a tsunami! (To dying Trump) I told you to lose that gut!

JULIUS TRUMP Dies. 

STEVIUS MNUCHINIUS
Liberty! Freedom! Enfranchisement!
Run hence, proclaim, and cry it among the streets!

GARIUS COHEN
Nah. We’ll just tweet it.

Finis.  Exeunt Omnes.

I hath struck down Julius Trump because he hath cutteth my allowance once I loseth my security clearance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If thou likest this post, there are many more such hilarious posts in my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  If you hated this post, it's not representative at all of my book, and you should still buy it!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

No Failure to Launch in the Year of Perry Block

My Public! 
(Not really)


As you know, this is The Year of Perry Block.

This year my new book Perry Block-Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute enters stage left. Or stage right, depending how much you spent for your seats.

On Sunday, February 25 – on what would have been George Harrison’s 75th Birthday – my formal book launch took place in Narberth Bookshop, a charming little bookshop in the charming little hamlet of Narberth in charming Main Line Philadelphia.

If only I were so charming, my book would be a best seller faster than you can say “Interview with Terry Gross!”

About 25 people attended the launch, some having read about the event in a local newspaper which built me up to such a degree it made me sound as if I were David McCullough. The only manner in which David McCullough and I are alike is that we both have varicose veins.

I was presenting in a room lined with distinguished tomes authored by everyone from Virginia Woolf to Michael Wolff. It was a little intimidating to be among such mostly august company and I expressed this to my publisher Donna.

“Donna,” I said “I think James Joyce is turning over in his grave.”

“Don’t worry, he’s doing that in Ireland,” she said. “You’ll do fine.”

And so I presented my humble book to the American literary world hoping the American literary work wouldn’t throw it back at me.

As I ran through my 20 minute presentation about the book and how I came to write it I thought about how the prospect of speaking in public used to terrify me. Through much of my life it had in large degree prevented me from doing many things I wanted to do, such as being in plays in school, doing stand-up,  and seeking more leadership roles in organizations.

I read two selections from my book, One Last Bedtime Story and Caribbean Cruise Call, and received a nice response and some laughs. Then I asked for questions.

“Were you always interested in comedy?” 

“Yes, I was,” I answered, “but when I was younger I was afraid to try to perform it. In the early 70’s I went with my friend to the one comedy club then in Philadelphia for his first attempt at stand-up.

He began to feel nervous and said to me ‘Perry, will you be disappointed in me if I don’t go up?’

‘Not at all,’ I said, ever the reassuring pillar of strength. ‘Let’s go get stoned and get something to eat.’

But my friend did go up, and it was the start of a career that has included his writing for many successful television shows over the years.  Damn! If only I’d urged him on with on with a “you can do it,” I could have taken credit for his all his success!”

The Q & A over, it was time for those who bought the book to line up for the esteemed author to autograph it.

“What’s your name?” I asked each person as they came forward. I inscribed each purchaser's book with a separate message for him or her, each successive message more illegible than the one before.

Yep, as it turned out I handled the whole launch thing with the same aplomb as J.K. Rowling, only without the boobs.

How silly to have ever been afraid of such things!  How easy to recognize that now.

The only cure for aging, if such does exist, is to do your best to leave nothing on the table.

In this, The Year of Perry Block, let’s us both keep that in mind. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~