Tuesday, February 28, 2012

62 Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40

Harry Smith is 60

1)  Look at the two numbers in the title of this post above.  In one of them, there is a 4 before the 0. In the other, there is a  fucking 6 before the 0!

2) You remember Betty White when she was middle-aged.  To somebody who is 40, Betty White was always 90.

3)  Somebody who is 40 was born in 1972.  You don't even remember 1972.  Not only because you were smoking dope most of the time, but because you also don't remember 2011.

4) Somebody who is 40 did not grow up longing to be the fourth Cartwright son on Bonanza.

5)  Seriously now, did you think you were ever going to have sex again with somebody who is 40?

6)  Somebody who is 40 does not remember Senor Wences.   

7)  Seriously now, did you think you were ever going to have sex again with somebody who is 40,  even if it's a fairly bad looking person who is 40?  

8) Somebody who is 40 loves the Beatles just as much as you do.   Somebody who is 40 loves the Beatles just as much as you do because they are a great nostalgia act.

9) Somebody who is 40 does not have fond memories of Swanson TV Dinners featuring Salisbury Steak, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and Apple Brown Betty.  And somebody who is 40 is far less likely than you are to have even the slightest clue what Apple Brown Betty is.

10) Somebody who is 40 calls you "Mr. So-And-So."  Even if you are a woman.

11) You think of  John F. Kennedy as part of "the modern era."  To somebody who is 40, John F. Kennedy is as relevant as  you are. 

12) Somebody who is 40 would never use the phrase "he looks like Walter Brennan"  to describe someone perceived to be old-looking.

13) Somebody who is 40 does not long for Bonomo's Turkish Taffy

14) Somebody who is 40 is not truly feeling the pain that Davy Jones is gone.

15) You remember the 50's.  To somebody who is 40, the 50's refers only to the next decade of their lives, which they are dreading.

16) Somebody who is 40 does not watch the Hallmark Channel.  Ever.

17 ) Do you really think somebody who is 40 would find the concept of identical cousins credible?  

18) Somebody who is  40 does not meet people who look like Wilford Brimley and think "Jesus, I hope I don't look that bad."

19) Somebody who is 40 thinks  of Peggy Lipton as some obscure old-time TV actress who is the mother of actress Rashida Jones, not as the hot unobtainable chick sandwiched in between the two no-talented lummoxes on The Mod Squad.

20) Humphrey Bogart died three years before somebody who is 60.  Humphrey Bogart had yet to star in  Casablanca, marry Lauren Bacall, and become the greatest legend in the history of motion pictures when he was the same age as somebody who is 40.

 21) Somebody who is 40 does not necessarily hate everything Elton John has done since 1973.

22) You take comfort in the fact that you are not old because you never liked Lawrence Welk.  Somebody who is 40 thinks you are old because you liked Led Zeppelin.

23) Somebody who is 60 does not think that Winky Dink is just another cutesy name for you know what!

24) The picture on the left is Stevie Nicks at 40.   The picture on the right is Stevie Nicks at 60. 

25) You have black and white memories. 

26) Somebody who is 40 does not look around at people who are 70 and think "Please God, make this decade go slow!"

27)  Somebody who is 40 may well think Buffalo Bob is a talking buffalo.  

28) I don't see 40 year old people climbing all over each other to hang out with you, do you?

29) Somebody who is 40 does not think it is hilarious when you shout out "I want my Maypo!"

30) Somebody who is 40 does not wonder when the song Hey Nineteen is going to be updated to Hey Forty-Nine.

31)  Somebody who is 40 does not remember Crazy Guggenheim.

32) "Welcome to our Show for Hunt's Catsup."  Think somebody who is 40 has the slightest idea what that means,  let alone that there ever was a word "catsup?"

33) Somebody who is 40 does not live in terror that one day they will turn on television and see Bob Dylan pop up in a commercial for reverse mortgages.

34) You remember a time when Rob and Laura Petrie weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed.  Somebody who is 40 does not bat an eyelash at a naked Steve Buscemi having sex on Boardwalk Empire.

35) Somebody who is 40 does not have to be embarrassed that they once bought a Grand Funk Railroad album. 

36) You find yourself beginning to use the expression "a young fella."  At least one of the times you have used the expression "a young fella," you were referring to somebody who is 40. 

37) Somebody who is 40 does not remember your President Nixon. Whether or not they remember the bills you have to pay, or even yesterday, is irrelevent.

38) Somebody who is 40 thinks Cher has always been a solo act.

39) When somebody who is 40 says "let's go to dinner someplace where there's a young and lively crowd," they do not feel out-of-place and uncomfortable when they get there.

40) Huckleberry Hound?  Huckleberry Hound?!  Even you barely remember Huckleberry Hound!

41) When somebody who is 40 says "let's go to dinner someplace where there's a young and lively crowd," they do not change their minds and go instead to the staid neighborhood family restaurant which they used to make fun of all the old people going to 15 long years ago.

42) Somebody who is 40 does not remember when Bob Hope was considered hip.

43) When somebody who is 40 is wholly unable to establish rapport with the hot twenty-ish waitress where he's having lunch, it is of course depressing, but it isn't the end of the world.

44) Somebody who is 40 is not even today ready to start an argument over whether The Doors should have added horns on The Soft Parade.

45) Somebody who is 40 does not say "boogie on out of here"  because they know it sounds idioticSomebody who is 60 says "boogie on out of here" because they idiotically think it sounds cool. 

46) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Topo Gigio.

47)  Somebody who is 40 thinks that 40 is old, just as you did once.   Now you realize how wrong you were and how wrong they are.   They don't!   

48)  You're reading this dopey list.  Somebody who is 40 is reading a different dopey list called "62 Reasons Why 40 is Not the New 30."

49)  If you heard someone say "remember how we used to get out the chains come winter time?," unlike somebody who is 40 you would not think seasonal kinky sex was about to follow.

50) When you meet somebody who is 40, you hope they will find you charmingly avuncular. Somebody who is 40 does not give a shit what avuncular means.

51) Somebody who is 40 does not wonder why Colgate no longer contains Gardol.

52) You find the wives of all your male friends to be frumpy and unappealing and are grossed out by the prospect of having sex with them.  Somebody who is 40 fantasizes incessantly about bean-bagging the wives of each and every one of his male friends, without exception!

53) Somebody who is 40 is not unduly upset that Richard Dreyfus and Henry Winkler are playing Jewish grandfathers.

54) Somebody who is 40 likes it when they mention their age and somebody they've just met says "I don't believe it, you look great!,"  but somebody who is 60 virtually orgasms when they mention their age and somebody they've just met says "I don't believe it, you look great!," even though somebody who is 60 knows the somebody they've just met who says "I don't believe it, you look great!" is lying to the degree that they will probably go to Hell for it.

55) Would you like to trade places with somebody who is 40?  Would somebody who is 40 like to trade places with you?

56) Somebody who is 40 does not know or care what Serutan spelled backwards is. 

57) Somebody who is 40 does not spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about whether he is more like Beau Bridges than Jeff Bridges.

58) Somebody who is 40 never worries about anybody ever referring to them as "40 years young."

59) Somebody who is 40 does not ever give a fleeting thought as to which of the three among Kukla, Fran, and Ollie was not a puppet. 

60) Somebody who is 60 is old enough to be the Boyhood Idol of somebody who is 40, even though it goes without saying you are nobody's Boyhood Idol!

61) Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 no longer has the presence of mind to  realize that No. 62 below is the same as No.1 above.  

62) Look at the two numbers in the title of this post above.  In one of them, there is a 4 before the 0. In the other, there is a  fucking 6 before the 0!


Matt Damon is 40

Friday, February 24, 2012

Next on Nova: The Artist Dimension

Be More PBS!

Next on Nova ....

Many have long wondered:   Does there exist alongside us a hidden world that we cannot see, even if we squint?  Could a parallel dimension co-exist in the same time and space as we do and yet our feet never get stepped on, not even once in a while?  

Now new developments in String Theory bring us closer than ever to peering directly into that unseen world, a parallel land called "The Artist Dimension!"   On Nova ....

For years now, a growing number of physicists have come to believe in String Theory, a theory of the nature of the universe which posits that all matter is made up of minute oscillating strings. What a boon to those people who save string,  if only we can get the damn strings to stop oscillating!

While massive research goes on in that area, other scientists are pursuing another intriguing aspect of String Theory, namely its prediction of the existence of additional dimensions, possibly as many,  to use the technical term, "as you can shake a fist at!" 

This is Dr. Carl Churning of the University of Havertown PA.   He has been  studying String Theory for over 35 years, ever since he narrowly failed to make the United States Professional Bowlers' Tour.  

"Dr. Churning:  Students,  the new and incredibly  complex mathematical model that Dr. Max Greenbaum and I have developed takes us far beyond String Theory and all the way into Rope Theory,  thank you very much!  

We can now predict with high certainty that there is indeed a parallel dimension to our own.   We call it The Artist Dimension because it reminds us of the movie The Artist, except without all the Oscar buzz."

Student 1:  Professor, what makes it remind you of the movie The Artist?

Dr. Churning:  The Artist Dimension has no sound!  People don't speak, dogs don't bark, and college basketball analyst Dick Vitale is a pleasure to be around! "

The apparent discovery of  the Artist Dimension, a dimension without any audible sound, has rocked the scientific world and certainly potted a few hot dates for both Dr. Churning and Dr. Greenbaum, whom you'll see shortly is no beauty. 

But initially even Churning and Greenbaum were stumped: how could people communicate in a soundless environment?  Then they rechecked their long division, never a strong suit for either of the two physicists,  and fixed a few typos.  The revised model provided the answer.

Dr. Greenbaum .... 

"How do they talk?  Just like in silent movies, they use title cards!  Everybody is born with a certain number of title cards and a magic marker.   But you gotta write fast all through your life!

Let's say two two Jewish guys who used to be partners in the garment business meet each other on the street in the Artist Dimension: one holds up a card  like this one that says 'How are you, Sol?'  The other holds up a card with these three words: 'Drop Dead, Shmuck!' 

See? Not that different from here." 

Back in class,  Dr. Churning's students are eager to learn more about this exciting and brave new world ....

"Student 2: Dr. Churning, is there music in the Artist Dimension?

Dr. Churning:  Our mathematical model shows that they do have ABBA.

Student 2OK, so that's a "no."

Student 3:  Professor, how do people communicate during the sex act in the Artist Dimension?  

Dr. Churning:   The mathematical model shows that people use pre-printed cards which they frenetically display to each other during sex.  We can confirm that there are cards that say  'Give it to me, big boy!,'  'Yes, yes, oh, yes!!!,'  and  '(aside) .... wait til I tell the guys about this!'  

Student 4: Is the Artist Dimension exactly like ours except for the lack of sound?

Dr. Churning:   In every other respect except one.  There, Khloe is the hot sister."

Despite the impact of their breathtaking  research,  Dr. Churning's and Greenbaum's findings have not been verified by the broader scientific community,  and some critics point out that not only has no one ever been to the Artist Dimension,  no one has even gotten a call through during peak hours.   

Dr. Churning and Dr. Greenbaum have responded to their critics by holding up a couple of choice title cards  which we're not going to share with you because we don't want to jeopardize our federal funding.  But in truth the only way to verify the existence of the Artist Dimension is to travel there and bring back presents.

Many questions remain, including: 
  • Does Adam Sandler exist in both dimensions?  Why? 
  • Is the Artist Dimension only in black and white?  Or is it sometimes in color, like The Wizard of Oz?  
  • If a tree falls in the Artist Dimension and no one is there to hear it, does it make a title card?
The debate willrage on.  Perhaps it is raging on right now,  title cards flashing away,  in the Artist Dimension as well. 

Next Time on Nova:  Having a goofy name - can it  be harmful to your health?  Dramatic new research reveals that the name "Marvin" can kill you.  

This is PBS


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Shocking Newsical about Seussical

And Fenced It Through Detroit!

The Original Cover of a Classic.

Not often does a bombshell hit the literary world like the one that exploded late last week! 

Especially when it comes shortly before the March 2 birthday observance for one of  the most beloved authors of our time and the one upon whom the bombshell squarely landed.

According to his recently disclosed  private papers, Theodor Geisel --- much better known to the world as Dr. Seuss --- was in truth a  hedonistic nihilist who believed that life had no purpose, the only logical response to which was to indulge the pleasures of the body with an endless barrage of alcohol, drugs, and sex. 

"Make no mistake," said the author's nephew Lamont "Gus" Geisel, "this guy had more tail than a petting zoo!" 

Just surfaced last week and fully catalogued by Gus Geisel,  the "Dr. Seuss Papers " reveal A Portrait of the Artist as a Scunge Man whose major literary influences were Charles Bukowski, Henry Miller, and the Marquis deSade.  (Geisel Listing 41-15j).   His original sex-drenched illustrated books were carefully edited and expurgated by his publisher Rancid Press, however,  when even Bukowski threw up after reading them.

The author's life tale is a lurid one.  Expelled from public school for flunking home room,  14-year-old Ted Geisel left his native Massachusetts for a journey of  personal discovery and exploration which took him to Buenos Aires,  Rio de Janeiro, and El Segundo CA with only occasional trips back to Massachusetts for clean socks.

Geisel  rejected Christianity early on because "Jesus loves me, but I want to see other people" (Geisel Listing 79-5z),  and turned to Judaism but rejected it as well when he bit into his first piece of Hanukkah Gelt and discovered --- as all Jewish children must --- that the gilt packaging is far tastier than the chocolate inside itself. 

Young Geisel next began a four (4) year exploration of the Baha'i Faith, quitting in disgust with the words "Four long years and I've only met Seals,  never Crofts!" (Geisel Listing 143-9z)

From then on, Geisel embarked on a lifelong nine (9) continent spree of alcohol and drug-ridden debauchery and perversion,  and no, that wasn't a typo, an entire new continent  had to be invented to fully house Seuss' massive profligacy,  the sheer magnitude of which caused Keith Richards to famously utter "Has the man no shame?" (Geisel Listing 03-9n)

Taking the name Dr. Seuss because he had handled so many drugs he had come  to  actually believe he was a doctor, the author penned the original versions of many of his best loved works,  including The Cat with the Hat in His Lap, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Fenced It Through Detroit, and Horton Humps a Who.  To his dismay, all were dramatically altered by Rancid Press.

"My uncle was especially upset that the cannibalism theme was wholly omitted from  How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Fenced It Through Detroit," commented Gus Geisel, "as was the sudden acute myocardial infarction suffered by the Grinch when his heart suddenly grew three sizes that day." (Geisel Listing 67-3p)

A rare copy of Dr. Seuss' unedited masterpiece Oh, the Lame Places You'll Go is believed to exist and is driving Gus Geisel crazy that he can't catalogue it under his annoying system. "The manuscript will likely be sold at auction for millions," remarked Gus Geisel, "unless the owner is some incredible moron who's stupid enough to post it for free on the Internet!"  

Etched on Dr. Seuss' tombstone are the following words from his classic Green Eggs and Ham and the Board of Health:

"Could you, would you
with a goat?

I would not,
 I could not, with  a goat!"

Ironically, those words actually did make it into the final version of the book Green Eggs and Ham. (at pages 42-43)

"My uncle," reflected Gus Geisel, "would have been pleased."

 And Happy Upcoming Birthday to the real Dr. Seuss!  

(Sorry about this, Mr. Geisel.   I am, I am!)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Purim: You Are Who You Eat

Thanks, Haman.

It’s oft been said that most Jewish holidays have but three basic components.

They are:

    1) Our enemies came to destroy us.
    2) We prevailed.
    3) We ate.

       There's one Jewish holiday, however, that adds the following additional point of order to our primary list of three:

          4) We ate them!

       That holiday, of course, is the upcoming spring festival of Purim, in which we celebrate the 400 B.C. victory of the Jewish people over the evil Royal Vizier Haman in Persia by feasting on his tri-cornered hat.  But as delicious as hamantashen (the pastry shaped like Haman's hat) are, it seems kind of a curious custom to celebrate triumph over one’s enemy by scarfing down an article of his clothing, no matter how mouth-watering yummy the clothing may be with a cherry filling.

Is it simply a way of “rubbing it in;” that is, consuming Haman’s hat after first stretching his neck?   In that case, why just his hat?  If we really want to show we’ve kicked the imperial keyster, why not chow down on his raincoat, briefcase, and car keys as well?  

Perhaps we eat Haman’s hat so heat will escape from the top of his head and  reduce his resistance to germs.  Then he’ll wind up in bed with the flu suffering as badly as the guy  at a Purim party seated next to an overactive 5-year-old with a grogger.  But Haman is already dead!  Wouldn’t it make better sense to eat the hat off of one of our enemies who’s still alive and kicking, like Almadinejad?

According to some sources, we’re actually not eating Haman’s hat at all --- we’re eating the ears off the side of his head!  That’s even less appealing, considering they had no Q-tips back in Persia circa 400 B.C. Interestingly enough, the custom of Eating our Enemy is spreading and soon even more body parts, personal effects, and memorabilia of other foes of the Jewish people may be finding their way onto your table:

Garden of Eden Gummy Serpents --- Yes, we’ve got to get ourselves back to the Garden to vanquish and ingest the original villain who did dirt unto the early folk who were to become the Hebrews.  Gummy Serpents come in two varieties --- with legs and legs free.

Garden of Eden Gummy Serpents are mostly a sugary treat for children, but if pounding down a few of the squiggly things helps return us all to the Serpent-less State of Nature with The Lady Eve sans vĂȘtements as she’s depicted in the Holy Scriptures, what’s an extra 500 grams of sugar among Jews?

The Yul Brynner/Pharaoh Cheese Basket ---  Pharaoh is the quintessential villain of the Holy Scriptures, and to most of us  actor Yul Brynner is the physical embodiment of that villain. With no disrespect to the late legendary actor,  the mouthwatering Yul Brynner/Pharaoh Cheese and Crackers Basket has arrived!

The basket is graced with sculpted cheese figures of Yul as Pharaoh in his most memorable action poses from the movie “The Ten Commandments,”  including  the “Sound the Pursuit” Parmigiana, “God of Moses is a Poor General” Gorgonzola, and “His God is God” Gouda.  A plague on all ten of your houses if you don’t enjoy!

Grand Mufti Marshmallows --- The Grand Mufti of Jerusalem did his utmost to keep Jews from immigrating to Palestine, all the time sporting a headdress that rose so high above his head it looked like it was doing push-ups. So what could be more appropriate for your snacking pleasure than super fluffy Grand Mufti Marshmallows?

Just imagine your satisfaction watching Grand Mufti Marshmallows roasting and crackling over an open campfire!  That is, assuming there are any Jews around who know how to make a campfire.

Henry Ford Crankshaft Cookies --- Though times have certainly changed at the company he founded, Henry Ford was a cantankerous old coot who was no friend of the Jews.  Now eat the cranky crackpot’s crankcase with new Henry Ford Crankcase Cookies, each one shaped in the form of that aforementioned engine component as manufactured for the least successful car ever built by Ford Motor Company, the Edsel. Sure to sell lots better than the Edsel itself!

Mel Gibson Pound Cake --- The newest Jewish confection is a large pound cake with reviews of Mel Gibson’s most recent movies chiseled into the top.   The New York Times review of the motion picture The Beaver is highlighted at center.

Sadly I’ve heard that Mel Gibson Pound Cake is rather dry and tasteless.  That’s a shame, but it’s still worse for Mel than for us.

He’s got to eat his actual reviews.


Grand Mufti Marshmallows 

You Can Eat Him
But You Can't Beat Them!

Not a Member of the Tribe?

Grogger - noisemaker used to drown out the name of Haman 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

You Can Drink All the Liquor Down in Costa Rica

Yeah,  I can probably get into that ....

My son Brandon and I are going on vacation together. Sometime next summer.

We figure an opportunity like this may never come again.  In a scant year and a half Bran will be off to college, and considering all the exciting things happening to me, I could be  --- who knows? --- yeah, probably pretty much where I am right now.

There's only one thing. The slight matter of where to go. 

"Well, Brandon,"  I said, "how about we head for that Magic Kingdom down in Orlando Florida?"

"Disneyworld?  But we've already been there."

"And we had a great time!  You and your brother got along fine,  and I think Cinderella took a shine to you ..."

"Dad, I was eight."

"So?  I know a family that goes to Disneyworld every year.  If you go there more than five times in a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you can get certified as an official Disney character."

"Dad, can we go someplace a bit more real this time?"

"Real?  Okay, well, let me .... I've got it!

"You've got what?" 

"Vegas! What happens there stays there!"

"Really? What's going to happen there?"

"Probably nothing that's worth staying there."

"Dad, I want to go to someplace real, not to an artificial adult theme park built on hype and illusion." 

"Yeah, but as artificial adult theme parks built on hype and illusion go, it's hard to beat Vegas!"

"Dad, I was thinking someplace south."


"Even further."

"Miami Beach?   I never knew you wanted to visit our ancestral homeland." 

"No, Dad, I want to go to Costa Rica!  I've been reading up on it and talking to a few kids who've been there. It's got everything!" 

"Costa Rica!  Everything?!  Sure, there's revolutions, insurrection, dysentery!"

"Dad, Costa Rica is one of the safest countries in Latin America.  It has a long-standing stable democracy and even dissolved its army in 1948.  And you get a complete ecological experience because it has both a Pacific and a Caribbean coast."

"Half Caribbean, eh?  That's not totally unappealing.  In much of the Caribbean, they have  that really good ..."

"Dad, the purpose of the trip is for us to explore new things, not for you to make another lame attempt to relive the 60's."

"Do they have snakes there?"

"Maybe one or two, Dad."

"No snakes in Disneyworld." 

"Yeah, but on the whole ..."

"I see.  You know, Bran,  there's an old song that goes Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker...."

"'.... you can drink all the liquor down in Costa Rica, ain't nobody's business but my own.  That's Taj Mahal, Dad."

"So it is.  Okay.  Sounds all right by me." 

Can we afford it?

"Of course not!"  


"So let's get started planning already."

And so,  later this year Brandon and I are off to Costa Rica.  And  I'm good with it.  Just one question. 

Anybody know if they got spiders in Costa Rica?


Monday, February 13, 2012

A Sage Suggestion for Saget

I've never particularly been a fan of the comedian Bob Saget.

Even though he comes from near where I live, I never quite bought into the all American guy-next-door humor he used to  personify on Full House or as the host of America's Funniest Home Videos.   In recent years, of course,  he's sought to dramatically change his image into that of a "blue" comedian. 

Blue? This guy's so blue the sky is considering infringement litigation.   Blue?  He's so blue that ... well, let's just watch him in action at a morning meeting with his writers just the other day:

Saget:  Morning, Ted.  Morning, Janie.
Ted:  Hi, Bob.  Afraid I’m a bit tired this morning.   I was up  all night with my mother, who’s quite ill.
Bob: Sorry, Ted.  Best of luck with that.  How are you, Janie?
Janie:  Doin’ great, Bob. Thanks.
Saget:  Well, guys, I really like this new line you came up with.  Very funny!
Janie:  Thank you, Bob.  I’d like to hear how you do it.
Saget:  Sure thing.   Here goes:  “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck.”
Janie and Ted: Ha, ha, ha, ha!  
Saget:  What do you think though?   Is it better this way:  F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck?”   Or this way: “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck?”  
Ted:  I think  “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck”  resonates more.  You,  Janie?  
Janie:  Oh, no question!   It’s “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck”  all the way!
Saget:  Good, that’s settled. Now I’ve got a new bit to run past you guys.   It’s about how whenever you're in the supermarket & you're in a hurryyou always seem to wind up in the slowest checkout line!
Janie:  Yeah, isn't that the darnedest thing?

Ted:  Really slick concept, Bob!  Let’s hear it!
Saget“F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck!”
Janie:  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  Hilarious! 

Ted:  I love it, Bob!  But isn't a bit too much like the line you used to do about how whenever you're in the car and you're in a hurry, you always seem to wind up behind a slow driver in a hat! 
Saget:  What line was that?
Ted:  Oh, y’know:   “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck,  F*ck!”
Saget:   Forgot that one.  Nah, nobody'll notice a thing.  Now, you guys got anything new for the meeting tomorrow?
Ted:  Yes, Bob, I'm working on a bit  about how whenever  you're in a store waiting for customer service,  you always seem to  wind up behind a guy who's returning bedding! Here’s a taste:  “F*ck, F*ck, F*ck,  F*ck, F*ck!”
Saget Ha, ha, ha, ha!  You got anything for tomorrow, Janie?
Janie:   I’m working on a bit about the Olson Twins.   Goes like this:  “F*c..."
Saget:  No, no, that one can wait!    Okay, that's it for now.  Ted, I do hope your mom will be okay.
Ted: Thank you, Bob.
Saget:  Oh, and guys?
Janie:  Yes, Bob?
Saget: F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck!
Janie and Ted: Ha, ha, ha, ha!  Bob, you kill us!

It may be hubris on my part,  but nevertheless here’s my sage suggestion for Saget:
Image change has its virtues, but not change for the purpose of spouting low-rent unfunny material that's dirty just for the sake of being dirty.  True, George Carlin successfully changed careers mid-stream, but  he transformed himself into who he was, not who he thought it was cool to be.
It would behoove you to develop an intelligent observational approach to comedy that provokes thought along with laughter rather than cheap laughs based on four letter words.  
And,  Mr. Saget?
F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, F*ck, you fucking moron!


Friday, February 10, 2012

Walk Like a Comedian

I have always been a fan of the legendary film, radio, and television comedian Jack Benny.  I realize that many of you of the Generation X and Generation Y persuasion don't know jack about Jack.

I have also been a fan of having good posture, since good posture tends to indicate health, confidence, and a greater ability to get chicks.  Unfortunately, my actual posture is often utilized in mathematical textbooks nationwide as Fig. 15-8, which illustrates the geometric form known as a parabola. 

Little did I dream that my old-time comedy hero would provide the inspiration for me to finally conquer my posture problem. 
Jack Benny  --- known as the Old Skinflint for his comedic image of cheapness ---walked onto the stage on his television show in the 1950's in a unique manner all his own.  Hands swinging at his sides, he strode across the stage to the tune of his theme song Love in Bloom in a manner that could best be described as quasi-pseudo-grandiloquent, or something like that, sort of

Well, Gee!

Whatever it was, I found that effecting his walk naturally caused me to stand up straighter. 
Using my Jack Benny Walk, I go anywhere secure in the knowledge that America's beloved comedian is with me, ensuring my outstanding posture. 

"Hi, Perry, nice to see you," said Len Farbman as I arrived at his home for a small party last Saturday.

"Hello, Len, and Welcome to our Program for State Farm Insurance!" I replied. 

Unfortunately the Walk Like a Comedian Posture Strategy does sometimes also feature a certain blurring of identities.

Once inside I spied my friend Blitzstein.

"Oh, Fella!" I said to Blitzstein. 

"Oh, hey, Perry, what's up?"

"What's up?   No, you're supposed to say "Y-e-e-e-e-s-s-s!" in the manner of Jack Benny's longtime foil, Frank Nelson. 

"Oh, I didn't know there was a script." 

"Now cut that out!"

I left the pagan Blitzstein and glided across the room, arms swinging at my sides,  Love In Bloom resonating in my head,  posture immaculate.  And incredibly I walked right into the best looking woman at the party!

"W-e-e-e-e-l-l-l!" I said,  crossing my arms,  putting one hand up to the side of my face,  and turning my head to one side.

And then, unfortunately, I got nervous.

"Hello, I don't believe we've met," she said. "What's your name?"

"Oh, Rochester!"

"You're from Rochester?"

"No, no, no!  Oh, Don!  Don Wilson!  Ladies and gentlemen, our announcer Don Wilson!"

"Your name is Don Wilson?  You're weird!  And why are you slumped over like that?"

"Your money,  or your life?  


"I'm thinking it over!"

"Well, I don't have to think anything over, loser, I'm outta here!  And stand up straight for heaven's sake!"

The rest of the evening I'm afraid my posture was like that of an apt candidate for a finishing school run by Quasimodo.  I guess there's a few bugs yet to be worked out of the Jack Benny Walk Like A Comedian  Posture Strategy.  

But I'll fix 'em. Because Mr. Benny, the Old Skinflint, and I have a lot in common.
You see, folks, both of us are 39! 


Note: If you don't know Jack Benny, Gens X & Y,  you should.  Not only will you understand the above jokes (which may not necessarily be worth understanding), you'll meet a great American entertainer.  You can also catch the famous walk at the link above.