Monday, July 30, 2018

The Donald J.Trump Illegal Alien Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services Customer Survey





(Translated from the Original Spanish)

Dear Illegal Alien:

You have recently utilized the services of the Donald J. Trump Illegal Alien Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services (“Donald J. Trump”). Thank you for choosing Donald J. Trump.

In order to help us continue to deliver excellent services to illegal aliens from shithole countries around the world like you, we would appreciate your taking a few moments to complete the survey below.

Thank you for your cooperation!

Circle the answer to the following questions most applicable to you and your child or children.

1) Please indicate your country of origin, using five (5) sentences to provide your answer.

a) When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

b) When Guatemala sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

c) When El Salvador sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

d) When Nicaragua sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

2) What did you do in your home country before you illegally entered the United States?

a) Drugs.

b) Crime.

c) Rape.

d) Was Good People.  Among the few.

3) Why did you illegally enter the United States?

a) To take jobs away from honest hard-working Americans.

b) To join MS-13 and kill and rape innocent white people.

 c) To go to a sanctuary city and kill and rape innocent white people.

 d) To be a proud law-abiding resident of the United States. For now.

4)  Why did you illegally bring your child or children to the United States?

a) To spruce up bogus asylum claim.  

b) Cost of tuba lessons prohibitive in Guatemala.

c) Just couldn’t shake ‘em!

d) You expect me to carry all that gear myself?

5) Rate your level of satisfaction with Donald J. Trump Humane Protective Custody Services as required by the heartless Child Separation Laws of the Obama Administration which Donald J Trump had nothing to do with.

a) Extremely Satisfied.  Child’s cage was plush and well appointed.

b) Highly Satisfied. Children got to visit New York City!

c) Very Satisfied. Children got to meet and play with other children similarly scarred for life.

d) Satisfied. Peace and quiet at last!    

6) Rate your level of satisfaction with Donald J. Trump Parent-Child Reuniting Services.

a) Extremely Satisfied. Child was returned by deadline in excellent health despite having totally forgotten about me.

b) Highly Satisfied. Child was returned by deadline although new daughter was returned in place of son. But she’s adorable!

c) Very Satisfied. Child not returned but I have been provided dedicated telephone number for constant updates, although calls from El Salvador do get pricey.

d) Satisfied.  Children not returned although Donald J. Trump searching night and day for them in a place called Mar-a-lago.

7) Would you use Donald J. Trump again to provide you with Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services?

a) Yes, because he’s, like, a smart person.

b) Yes, because he went to Wharton and has all the best words.

c) Yes, because he’s building a wall and I am going to pay for it.

d) Yes, because there was no collusion, no obstruction.

8) Add any additional comments you may have regarding the services of Donald J. Trump, including possible negative comments.  ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 Negative comments?  ________________

Thank you very much for your answers which will be of great assistance to Donald J. Trump Illegal Alien Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services in providing consistently excellent service for valued customers like you.

Now Scram!


Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Another 24 Reasons Why 60 is Not the New 40

Here's another in our continuing series illustrating why the aphorism above, while comforting, is a load of crap.  We've been at this so long I actually was 60 when it began! 

Herewith we present 24 more reasons why 60 is NOT the New 40:

    1) When Somebody who is 40 hears the song “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” they think it’s the Beach Boys.

   2)  Somebody who is 60 experienced a time when people hearing “we'll have a gay old time” in The Flintstones’ theme didn’t think it meant Fred and Barney were married.

   3)  Somebody who is 40 doesn’t know that Bill Cosby won the Emmy for Best Actor in 1966. Somebody who is 60 not only may know that Bill Cosby won the Emmy for Best Actor in 1966 but may also think how prescient awarding the Emmy for Best Actor to Bill Cosby turned out to be.

   4) Somebody who is 60 remembers a time when there was only one Jewish character on network television – Buddy Sorrel as played by Morey Amsterdam on The Dick Van Dyke Show – and they were sort of proud of it. Somebody who is 40 barely remembers a time before Seinfeld.

   5) Somebody who is 40 probably thinks a click dial is an annoying little bug that bites you at night.

   6)  Somebody who is 60 remembers when a fixer was the guy who came to your house to repair your RCA Victor television set, said "I gotta take it into the shop," and you didn’t see it again for two weeks.

   7) "Why? Because We Like You" - Somebody who is 40 probably thinks this is the name of a self-help book that was popular in the 70’s.

   8) Somebody who is 40 grew up in a world that was literally a “boobnanza!” Somebody who is 60 had to sneak a peek at a National Geographic if they wanted to see tits.

   9) Somebody who is 60 grew up without ever talking about the importance of being “hydrated.”

  10) Somebody who is 60 used to go in the school hallway and fold themselves against the wall into a ball during air raid drills. If somebody who is 40 had done this, they would have been about to throw up.

  11) Somebody who is 40 does not know that she had an owner named Jeff before Timmy. Somebody who is 40 may not even know that I’m talking about Lassie.

  12) Somebody who is 40 probably thinks Winky Dink was another cutesy name for you-know-what.

  13)  “And now the dear boy himself - MERVIN!” Somebody who is 40 couldn’t tell you what that quote refers to, who used to say it, or for that matter, who the hell Mervin was!

  14) Somebody who is 60 remembers the indignation they felt when Star Trek was cancelled. Even the most dedicated Trekkie who is 40 never experienced that feeling and never can or will.

15) Somebody who is 60 grew up without ever hearing the word “meme.”

16)  Somebody who is 60 remembers  cigarette commercials like Winston Tastes Good like a Cigarette Should, LSMFT- Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco, and  You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby as if they last saw them yesterday.  Somebody who is 40 never heard a one of them since Somebody who is 40 was born after cigarette commercials were banned.

17)   Somebody who is 40 grew up without ever hearing the names DwightAdlai, or Dag.

Fill in the missing word:

 Communists     0
 Kids                 0
 Jews                0
 Empiricists       0

Somebody who is 60 doesn’t need the multiple choice. Somebody who is 40 will probably get the answer too but has NO FUCKING CLUE what it means!  

19)  During the years they were growing up, somebody who is 40 had heavily impressed upon them the critical importance of flossing your teeth, not just brushing. You still don't floss.

20)Somebody who is 60 didn't blink an eye at the lyrics to the theme to Green Acres "You are my wife!" "Goodbye City Life!" as Eddie Albert yanked Eva Gabor to the country life totally against her will.

21) When someone mentions the word "turkey" and it isn't Thanksgiving, Somebody who is 40 does not think turkey neck! and begin hitting their neck frantically with the back of their hand.   

22) When Somebody who is 60 was growing up "Super Bowl" might as well have been the name of a new toilet bowel cleaner.

23) Somebody who is 40 thinks J. Fred Muggs was Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 1957.
     24)  Somebody who is 40 perhaps got a chuckle or two from this list. Somebody who is 60 is laughing through their tears. 

     If you enjoyed this list, there's lots more of these in my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and you should buy it.

    If you hated this list, you should still buy it. Why?  

  Because to me, you don't look a day over 40!

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Be My, Be My Platonic Baby

Most guys as they go through life have friends who are mostly guys.

And most guys after they reach a certain age get sick to death of hanging out with all those annoying, boring, loud-mouth guys and wish to hook up with a friendly warm-hearted female friend to whom they are pretty much not at all attracted.

I had had a couple of nice female friends for a number of years but they had both moved out of the area.  So  I began to seek another best buddy  who possessed a higher pitched voice than mine and whose tits I had virtually no interest in seeing. 

I settled on a woman I had met recently in the library named Cheryl.

Unfortunately Cheryl was spoken for.  By my friend, Nate.

“You can’t have her as your female friend, Perry!” he bellowed. “I saw her first and I’m claiming her as my female friend whose lips will never get closer to mine than a yard, give or take.”

“Okay, Nate, so you did see her in the deli dressed in a messy sweatshirt two days before I saw her I in the library with no make-up. Why can't she be both of our platonic friends?”

“That’s ridiculous!  If I want to go for coffee with her one night, she can’t be out bowling with you. If I want to call her in the middle of the night and pour my heart out about a busted romance, she can’t be too exhausted to talk  because she’s been playing scrabble with you all night!”

“Alright!  So how do you plan to ask her if she wants to be you platonic friend?”

“First, I’ll take her out for a lovely dinner. Applebee’s, Olive Garden, wherever she wants! Then when we get to dessert and coffee, I’ll pop the question.”

“What question is that?”

“Cheryl, will you be my non-physical, never get naked with me, best buddy with whom I can discuss the stock market and the only thing going up will be my portfolio."

“Wow, that’s powerful! What if she says yes?”

“Then we’ll go back to my place, and…”

“Yes?  Yes?”

“Play canasta, watch a video, or …”

 “OMG what? What?”

“Make popcorn!”

I heard later that it had all worked out for Nate, and Cheryl had become his new platonic female friend.

I had lost her.

Several weeks later I saw them out at a movie.

‘Hi, Perry, You know Cheryl.”

They were blithely disengaged, a full ten paces apart.    

I was so jealous.

Last week in the library I met another woman who was checking out a book about the metaphysical poets.   Unfortunately she was hot and I was very sexually attracted to her.  

Damn it!

When am I ever going to find my own platonic female friend with whom I can discuss the Eagles and never ever want to have sex with?


If you liked this post, you'll love my book "Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute."  

If you hated this post, you'll still love my book.  That's just the way it works. So order it already!

Friday, July 13, 2018

I was Displeased Because I was Expecting a Full Breakfast and There Were Only Pastries and Cheese and That was the Start of My Long Downhill Slide

I remember so well when it all began. 

It was late October, I was a sophomore in college, and I had an exam at 10:00 in the morning.

Earlier that morning I went to the cafeteria intent on eating a nourishing breakfast to carry me through what promised to be a quite busy day. My day included the test, afternoon football practice, my tutoring of Zack – an underprivileged child I’d be working with for several years - and a late date with Lola Montenegro, my fashion model girlfriend.

“Good morning, Ethel,” I said to the cafeteria lady to whom I talked and kidded around with every day.

“Hi, Perry,” she smiled ‘What would you like today?”

“A full breakfast, Ethel -  Juice, scrambled eggs, home fries, rye toast, coffee, and – oh, of course, bacon too.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Perry,” said Ethel. “Today we only have pastries and cheese.”

This was the start of a downhill slide that had brought me finally to this cheap hotel room staring down the barrel of a gun and wondering if I should end this long descent into madness known as my life.

In the absence of proper nutrition I failed my organic chemistry exam that day, even though I had studied diligently.  Realizing I hadn’t done well I missed the rest of my day and got drunk in a nearby bar which was raided for underage drinking. When I got out of jail I was hopelessly behind in my work and flunked out of the pre-med program, losing my 100% football scholarship.

My new-found drinking habit continued unabated and Lola Montenegro left me for a guy named Clarence Lumpkin with whom she spent long hours in the school library studying Macro-economics together.

I was forced to transfer from pre-med to Metaphysical Poetry, but upon graduation there were no jobs available as a Metaphysical Poet and I spent the next 11 years in my parents’ basement, which proved awkward when they moved out after 7 years.

For the next few years I drifted, town to town, job to job, hope to shattered hope. I worked for fast food joints and factories, drifted into crime, and finally sunk so low I became manager of the rock group ABBA. I rode the rails for the next 8 years always with my trusty harmonica which unfortunately I couldn’t play very well and typically got force fed to me by my boxcar mates.

Finally I landed here in this cheap hotel, pistol in hand.

“Perry… no …” came a voice from the hallway.

It was Father Gilhooley.

“I found you at last!” he said entering the room. “Put down the gun.”

 “But why, Father?”

“Because life is worth living!”

 “How, Father?  How is it worth living?”

“I’m going to take you out for a full breakfast, not just pastries and cheese!”

Slowly I withdrew the gun from my temple.

“Bacon too, Father?”

“Bacon too.”

As we strode out into the broad sunlight and towards the Applebee’s down the street, I began to feel my spirits lift.

Yes, I had been displeased because all those years ago I was expecting a full breakfast and there were only pastries and cheese.

But now – at long last - everything was about to be all right.


Monday, July 9, 2018

A Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute Exclusive: Trump Reads a Book!

Oh boy, this isn’t going to be easy.

In fact, this may be the toughest thing I have to do in all 13 years of the two terms I serve as the President of the United States, Leader of the Free World, and very smart person who went to Wharton.

I am going to read a book.

Ivanka left me three books but I’m only going to read one because as Commander in Chief of the greatest military force in the history of the world, I’m much too busy for reading unless it’s reading my scorecard at Mar-A-Lago.

Okay, let’s take a look at the first … 

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …”

Wait a minute! What does that mean? That makes about as much sense as any of my tweets.

Oh, I see.

What he means to say is: 

“It was the best of times that anyone had ever seen before because Trump was President, although the Failing New York Times wrote that it was the worst of Times because Trump was President, which was Fake News."

That's much better, but this Dickens guy had the right idea. 


This one is called The Great Gatsby.

Bet he’s not as great as me!  He’s probably just a Fair to Middling Gatsby. Hmm, he is a rich guy, though.  But this is silly what he does!  He actually pays for stuff!

This Middling Gatsby calls everyone Old Sport.  I like that!

“Hello, Kim-Jong-on, how are you, Old Sport?   How’s the denuclearization going, Old Sport?”

“Roderigo Duterte!  Murder any un-convicted drug dealers lately, Old Sport?”

“Vlad, Old Sport, why …

Oh, you read that too? Don't ever fucking call you that again?"

<"You'd think after all these years I wouldn't still have to call him "Sire!">


Here’s the last one, Ulysses by Joyce.

Look at how long it is! How many tweets did it take for this Joyce chick to write all this?  I’ve heard this one is sleazy, got itself banned in Boston!

"Stephen Dedalus, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase ..."

Who’s this dude Stephen Dedalus?  What kind of name is Stephen Dedalus?  It’s all Greek to me!

Let’s jump to the end.

“When he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him … Now we’re getting somewhere!…yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes And his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.“
And then?  Where’s the rest of it?  

What? No pussy-grabbing?

“Rudy, get in here! Bring me my jammies and get me a drink of water!

Then read me this book by the Joyce woman and see if you can find the dirty parts!”


If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  If you hated this post, you'll still love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

Why is that? 

It's just the way it works.