Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Worst Holiday Ever

(r to l) Out with the Old, In with the New

Welcome to the Worst Holiday Ever!

New Year’s Eve.

It’s that special time of the year that perennially signals the re-realization that the last 365 days have zoomed by like 365 seconds and that not only have you once again failed to achieve your hopes, dreams, and aspirations, you can’t even find your comb.

And this we celebrate with noisemakers and party hats!

New Year’s Eve is a holiday by default. Christmas and Hanukkah have just ended but we’re not yet ready to stop all that fa-la-la-la-la-ing, dreideling, and wassailing, wassailing all over the town we've gotten used to. We want to pretend there is a “Wintry Season of Fun” that continues to keep rockin' on, but realize we need a marker to bring it to a close other than the first White Sale at Macy’s.

Thus, we have collectively commissioned New Year’s Eve as the Hired Hitman for the Holiday Season. After New Year’s Eve, the holidays are found floating in the East River and all tidings of comfort and joy must go at savings of 60% or more.

We celebrate this dubious occasion with three traditional holiday pastimes:

1) The Do I Sit Home Feeling Miserable or Check Out What’s-his-Face’s Likely to be Lousy Party? Guessing Game.

2) The Feign I’m Feeling Festive Now that I’ve Forayed Out into the 8 Degree Wind Chill and Turns Out I Don’t Know a Soul Here Except for That Bastard Weinstein! Charades, and

3) The There’s Got To Be, Just Got To Be, Something Remotely Edible Here Beyond Trail Mix Scavenger Hunt.

All of the above holiday traditions are enjoyed with alcoholic refreshment in the form of champagne which somehow was mis en bouteille in the very town where you live and has a “better if used before“ date and with lively and spirited conversation, which nobody seems to care to make with you!

New Year’s Eve also has the distinction of being the only holiday that dares to replace its patron saint. Dick Clark --- the heart and soul of New Year’s Eve from the time the first dinosaur decided it might look a bit spiffier for the occasion if it began putting on feathers --- has over the past few years seen his annual role shockingly diminished. Could anybody imagine Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Moses the Lawgiver, or any of the other great hallowed figures of the holidays being similarly sacked in favor of Ryan Seacrest?

“It’s that time everybody!” shouts our genial host, flicking on the TV and beginning to pass out champagne that comes from one of those cartons that looks like it ought to contain motor oil. From high above Times Square, the New Year’s Eve Ball begins to drop, along with my stomach. 

“10 --- 9 --- 8 …” jovially calls out everyone in the room.

Another year to be writing the wrong dates on checks until March. Another year of shattered resolutions, were I to ever make any.

“7 --- 6 --- 5 …” continues Carson Daly, Yutz No. 2 who bids fair to unseat the venerable Mr. Clark.

Another year of existence on the planet now forever in the rear view mirror. Another year ahead of bizarre social trends, goofy new words, and uber-tattooed celebrities, and still I can’t figure out the 'poke' feature on Facebook! 

“4 ---3 --- 2 …” chants Mr. Daly and all assembled...

"Don’t do it,” I cry out!   “Please don’t drop! 

Everyone in the room turns and stares.

"Go the hell back up! Climb, climb, climb back up, you son of a bitch!!!

But the damn ball never listens. Never has, never will.

“2 ---1 --- ..." you get the drift.

Much to the relief of my host, that bastard Weinstein, and everyone else at the party, I’m back in the 8 degree wind chill and on my way home. New Year’s Eve is over.

I should be relieved, but I’m not. In a few hours comes the holiday that many think is even worse than the Hired Hitman for the Holiday Season: New Year’s Day.

Happy White Sales, Everybody!


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Two Semi-Seasonal Songs

Originally I wasn’t going to put these two slightly out-of-date songs on the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute blog site, but it’s cold, I’m lazy, and frankly, I’ve got nothing else.

Just think of it this way. I’m going to do a couple of covers for you.

Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah;
It’s so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah.

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights;
Instead of one day of presents, we get eight crazy nights!

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here’s a FOURTH LIST of people who are Jewish,
Just like you and me:

Shia LaBeouf eats his Hanukkah gelt;
So do Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal,
Though they’re both perpetually svelte.

We’ve got Judd Apatow,
Who directs Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd;
Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat was funny,
But Bruno a drek-filled dud.

Scarlett Johansson’s half,
I wish she were a full blood;
But Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman are 100 per cent,
As is the voice of Elmer Fudd (and Bugs Bunny too!)

You don’t need to Deck the Halls
When you got eight nights of bliss;
Cause you can spin the dreidel with Gene Simmons
And the members of Kiss (most Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke, it’s time for Hanukkah;
Even after all these long years,
Howard Stern can still be too moronicah!

O.J. Simpson --- Still not a Jew!
But Jews do most of the voice-overs
On The Simpsons and Family Guy too!

The Good Wife's Julianna Margulies is now a big TV star.
But Noah Wylie --- another Jew ---
also got his start with her on ER.

Some people think that Jews are somewhat driven
(but they’re not); Guess it comes from watching
Entourage with Jeremy Piven!

So many Jews are in show biz;
Steven Colbert isn’t a Jew,
But every other damn comedian is!

Tell your friend Veronica,
It's time you celebrate Hanukkah!
I hope I get a harmonica (though most Jews can’t play it)
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah,
And smoke your marajuanic-ah,
If you really, really wanna-kah,

Have a Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Hanukkah!

Just hear those sleigh bells sounding
And shofers resounding, it’s true.
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride
Together with a Jew!

Outside the snow is falling,
And friends are calling "Well, nu?"
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride
Together with a Jew!

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, let's go!
Let's choose a movie show.
We're riding to a wonderland of General Tzo!

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, it's grand!
A Miami Beach tan!
We're gliding along with a song from a simply great Klezmer band!

Our cheeks are nice and rosy,
Picked a movie we’ll mosey to see.
We're snuggled up like big machers*,
Gonna see Little Fochers at half past 3:00.

Let's take that road before us
With Uncle Morris or Cousin Lou.
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride
Together with a Jew!

Thank you very much, and have a Very Belated Hanukkah!


 Not a Member of the Tribe?

    macher - a big shot
    nu -  So?  Whassup? Fill me in.  Ya score last night?  (that kind of thing)   
    drek - pure garbage; something that really sucks

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thanks, Big Guy!

Yep! I'm counting these!

This time of year, many of us stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings we enjoy.

It’s a lovely practice, and one I’d appreciate a lot more if so many people did not stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings they enjoy when they’re driving right the hell in front of me on the expressway!

Nevertheless I have a few things to give thanks for myself, and I’d like to share them with you now --- as if you give a crap!

I am thankful:

1. That clothing was invented. Otherwise every novel ever written would include the words “he averted his eyes” five or six times per page.

2. That Life does not feature a large permanent dunk tank. Imagine being submerged in freezing cold water every time you leave the toilet seat up!

3. That the act of shaking hands does not emit a low farting noise. I have enough trouble meeting people as it is.

4. That even though I’m about as old as Sally Field and my health is generally lousy, I apparently have no need for and don’t even know WTF Boniva is!

5. For those happy times building sand castles on the beach with my son, especially on the days when a guy named Bruno from Building Trades Council No.87 doesn’t come by and flatten them because he’s pissed we use non-union labor!

6. That parking lots were invented, because if there were none --- with my parallel parking skills --- I’d be in the car 17-18 hours a day.

7. That when somebody around the dinner table says “hey, let’s all share together what each of us is most thankful for!” my immediate thoughts about what I’d like to have happen to that person are not acted upon by God.

8. For HBO, without which I would never see a naked woman.

9. That spiders have never developed the capability to enrich uranium.

10. That we are so fortunate to live in those precise time and space coordinates in the history of all of creation and of the entire universe when and where there is Meryl Streep.

And so, for all these wonderful blessings, I hereby tender my most tender and juicy thanks!

Here’s hoping you have similar reasons to give thanks during this festive season, and that you don’t royally screw them all up in 2011.

Happy Holidays, Everybody!



Wednesday, December 15, 2010

What Can Be Done, WILL be Done

With all new Tweet Waiting!

If there’s one thing the WikiLeaks controversy has proven, it’s that a joke with a punch line about Depends is never further away than just 'round the corner.

It has also proven that in today’s technological world, What can be done, WILL be done, usually by a person of enterprising mind and jerky personality. This holds true whether the accomplishment cures dreaded disease, provides needed sustenance for millions, or threatens the future of the free world so that we may all learn that Kim Jong-un is thought of by State Department officials as “kinda pudgy.”

Recently the PC-age magazine Where the Nerds Are reported on several fascinating new features being deployed right now to render the world’s three major social networks more fun, dynamic, and time wasting than ever before!


Now never miss an incoming tweet simply because you’re currently enmeshed in one received earlier which fascinatingly informs you the tweeter is waiting for a bus in Wichita KS. Tweet Waiting provides you with immediate notice of an incoming 140 character or less missive, enabling you to cause the first tweet to freeze faster than you do every time you try to put the moves on a member of the opposite sex.

Flip over to the incoming tweet and see if it’s more interesting or sage than the first one and/or more adroitly employs the word "fuck" such that you think it’s funny even though there’s actually no semblance of a joke there whatsoever!

No? It’s from @Crudface99 with an avatar that looks like a close-up of the love child of comedian Andy Dick and conservative pundit Ben Stein? Well, then click back to that first tweet to see at what street corner in Wichita the first tweeter's waiting for that bus, offending for life @Crudface99, who turns out to be your new boss!


Imagine the fun amongst you and your pals after you stoke up this new standard LinkedIn feature, draft all the human capital for your corporate teams, and PLAY Fantasy L-i-n-k-e-d-I-n!!

”You’re nuts, man! Your Finance and Accounting Department is pure crap! Sure, Accounting Director Myra Kirschbaum had a decent last fiscal year, but she has serious gaps in her GAAP and you desperately need a solid month-end closer!”

“Yeah, dude, but I just drafted a great Director of HR, Lemuel Gustaffson, who went 12-4 last year against the league leading sexual harassment complainants!”

Let the corporate games begin!


No matter who you friend or how you friend, the result’s the same: you’re only getting the tip of the iceberg. You experience the apparent wit, intelligence, and cool of your Facebook companion, but not the depth and richness of the flesh and blood human being just an electronic impulse away.

With Warts 'n All Surround, special censors provide you with every negative, disgusting, and/or abhorrent trait or habit lurking within your Facebook friend --- from his rancid breath to her latent anti-Semitism --- giving you the full interpersonal experience that Facebook has until now so sorely lacked.

And just wait until your Facebook friend gets dumped by his girlfriend and the special Complaint Control feature automatically shuts down! As the hours pass, you’ll find yourself with three sensitive clickable responses:

*** Yes, I’m here for you, buddy! Though it would be nice if I could briefly get off line for my son’s Bar Mitzvah. As a point of reference, he’s now 7…

*** Okay, I got it, I got it!  She's one goddamn, no good C-word bitch!!! Can we move on .... please?

*** No question about it, you were just too good for her all along! Uhh, mind if I ask her out?

Yep, all these exciting new social networking features are coming to you courtesy of the overarching technological principle that What can be done, WILL be done.

Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got Fantasy LinkedIn draft in a couple of minutes.

And guess what? I’m drafting Julian Assange!

After all, if it can be done, he WILL do it!


Friday, December 10, 2010

Flying Monkeys in the Mist II

FLY! FLY! FLY! (Oh, alright, here's money for ice cream.)
Written and directed by Perry Block
The First Ever Wholly Unauthorized Re-make
of The Wizard of Oz!

Part II

The Story Thus Far: We’re up to the part where Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man are about to meet the Cowardly Lion. We’ll take it from there.

Note: This is a very long post. Read it with someone you love; you won’t even like them by the time it’s over!


Scene 5 - The Cowardly Lion

As they travel down the Yellow Brick Road, Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man enter a dense and foreboding forest. There is an alternate route to Emerald City but it’s lights all the way.
Dorothy: I don't like this forest. It's dark and creepy...

Scarecrow: If only it were just dark. Or just creepy. It’s the synergistic nature of the two that scares the crap out of me!

Dorothy: Do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals? Like Jack Black?

Tin Man: Mmm, we might.

Scarecrow: Animals that eat straw?

Tin Man: (nonchalantly) Uh, some. Probably the same that eat at Olive Garden. But mostly lions and tigers and bears.

Dorothy: Lions?

Scarecrow: And tigers?

Tin Man: And bears.

Dorothy: Oh! Lions and Tigers and Bears. Oh my!

Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tin Man: Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! Lions and...

Dorothy: Hey, that new advertising jingle for the Philadelphia Zoo is really catchy! Let’s do another commercial!

Tin Man: Yeah, let’s do one of the Geico lizard ones!

Scarecrow: Oh, I am so damn sick of him. But we could try….

Suddenly a ferocious-looking Lion leaps out towards them!

Lion: Rrowrrrr!!! Put 'em up, put 'em uuuuuup!

Scarecrow: Talk about inducing performance anxiety!

Lion: Which one of you first? I'll fight ya both together if you want. I'll fight ya with one paw tied behind my back. I'll fight ya with both paws tied behind my back suspended from a rope attached to the top of the Flatiron building in New York. Although I expect a piece of the gate if we do that!

Tin Man: (shivering) Go away and leave us alone!

Lion: Scared, huh? Afraid, huh? How long can you stay fresh in that can? Ha-ha-ha-ha. (to the Scarecrow) Put your hands up, ya lopsided bag of hay!

Scarecrow: (quaking) Now watch the ethnic stereotypes, Lion!
Lion: (turning to Toto) I'll get you anyway, pee wee! And just like with the other Pee Wee, I don’t mean "get you" so we can sit in the movies together!

The Lion runs after Toto, while Dorothy shouts to Toto to “go long!” After the Lion manages to deflect Dorothy’s pass, Dorothy steps between the Lion and Toto and slaps the Lion on the nose.

Dorothy: Shame on you! And on that other Pee Wee too!

Lion (sobbing): What did you do that for? I didn't bite him.

Dorothy: No, but you tried to!

Lion: Well, you didn't have to go and hit me! Truth is I’d be lucky if I could even take him. You see, I’m Jewish! Is my nose bleedin’? And no nose jokes please!

Dorothy: My goodness! What a fuss you're making! Stop whining and complaining! Boy you are Jewish, aren’t you? (pause) Why, you’re nothing but a great big coward!

Lion (still slobbering): You're right. I am a coward. I haven't any courage at all. Look at the circles under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks.

Tin Man: Why don't you try counting sheep?

Lion: That doesn't do any good. That puts me in the mood for something else ……

Tin Man: Okay, I got it, I got it!

Dorothy: Well, we’re on our way to see the Wizard of Oz with a shopping list of things we want. I’m sure we could add 'courage' to the list, although we don’t have a coupon for it.

Lion: Well, wouldn't you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly lion? I would.

Scarecrow: Dude, I used to hang with Bruce Vilanche. You do the math!

Lion: My life has been simply unbearable. Let me tell you about it:

When your mood is always prissy,
Without the stones to kick some butts.
But I could show my moxie, nail some chicks who’re awfully foxy,
If I only had da guts.

I'm afraid not just implyin’,
I'm a wuss there’s no denyin’,
My fate to be a klutz.
I'd be brave as Mel Gibson

Tin Man: I'd be gentle as Marge Simpson.

Scarecrow: I'd be clever as Henrik Ibsen

Dorothy: If the Wizard is a wizard who’s not a putz,

Scarecrow: Then I'm sure to get a brain.

Tin Man: A heart.
Dorothy: A home.

Lion: Da guts!

All Four: (singing)
Oh, we’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
We hear they’re testing the Wizard’s whiz,
Whenever his whiz is whoz!
Oh, we’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Lion: Dat’s a funny word ----whoz! Is that Yiddish?
Scene 6 – The Suburbs of Emerald City
High up in her castle, the Wicked Witch and Nikko (Captain of the Winged Monkeys) are cautiously optimistic as they view the four friends' progress toward Emerald City in the Witch’s crystal ball.
Witch: (stirring her cauldron brew) Now, something with poi-son in it, but attractive to the eye and soothing to the smell. Damn, If I’d just shut up about poison, I could have been the next Giada de Laurentis on Food Network! But poppies will put them to sleep. Sle-e-e-p. Now they'll sle-e-e-p.

Wicked Witch: What’s that, Nikko? Why not just have them watch Tracy Morgan: Black and Blue on HBO? Nikko, I’m not that cruel!

Meanwhile, Dorothy and the others approach Emerald City.
Dorothy: (gazing ahead) There's Emerald City. Oh, we're almost there at last! It's beautiful, isn't it? Well, maybe not beautiful, but above average with a great personality!
Tin Man: (motioning) Come on, come on. Let’s hurry! All that singing about whizzing has made me ….
Lion: Yeah, me too! I’m anxious to mark off territory!
Dorothy: (becoming sleepy) I can't run anymore. Just a quick power nap, OK, guys?
Lion: Come to think of it, 40 winks wouldn't be bad. And how ‘bout setting the snooze alarm for a total of 45 winks?
Scarecrow: This is a spell, this is. Help! Help! I mean, from a good script doctor. Help! Carrie Fisher! Carrie Fisher!
A giant, superimposed image of Glinda appears, Carrie Fisher apparently away talking about her parents again. Glinda is shot through a gauze to conceal her advancing age, just as they regularly do at ABC for Barbara Walters. Although the effect works, Glinda resembles an enormous impressionist painting. Glinda waves her wand and a light snow begins falling.
Scarecrow: Snow! Maybe that will help. Maybe we’ll even get a snow day!
Lion: (awaking) Unusual weather we're having, ain't it?
Tin Man: Yes, and typically, not predicted by a single one of the local weathercasters!!
Witch: Curses, curses! Somebody always helps that girl. What’ll they do next? Give her a telethon?
The four link arms again and happily skip towards Emerald City, arriving at the City’s huge gate and ringing the bell.
Gateman: (sticking head out of porthole) Who rang that bell? Can’t you read the sign? “BELL OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE KNOCK."
Scarecrow: Dude, in a word --- lame! Now, open up, we want to see the Wizard!
Gateman: The Wizard? But nobody can see the great Oz. There’s that pungent aroma ..... he wants to keep a lid on it. A lid! That’s funny! Ha-ha-ha!
Scarecrow: This is great, come all this way, we got Tommy Chong at the door!
Dorothy: But I was sent by the Good Witch of the North. See, I’m wearing the ruby slippers! And if you want, I can (whispering) even tell you how old Glinda is in dog years!
Gateman: Well, bust my buttons! That's a horse of a different color! Dorothy Gale, come on down!
Scene 7 - Emerald City

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, and Toto enter into the hustling, bustling, colorful wonderland of Emerald City, Capital of the Land of Oz! Clearly no recession here...

Coachman: (pulling up in a horse-drawn carriage) Hello, folks! Why don’t I take you somewhere to freshen and tidy up?

Dorothy: (to the Coachman) What kind of a horse is that? I've never seen a horse change color like that before!

Coachman: Why, he's the horse of a different color you've heard tell about. No matter what color he is at any given moment, there’s always someone who hates him!

The carriage takes the four to an Oz spa, where each one of them receives the deluxe treatment you and I will only ever get if somebody gives us a gift card. Everybody sings:

Ha ha ha, Ho ho ho

And a couple of tra la las
One guess what those words are code for
In the merry old land of Oz

Masseurs working on Scarecrow:
Pat, pat here, Pat, pat there,
And a couple of brand new straws.
Ev’rything but a happy end-ing!
In the merry old land of Oz.

Mechanics working on Tin Man:
Rub, rub here, Rub, rub there,
Whether you're tin or bronze.
(looking under sheet) Gee, seems like there’s no there there!
In the merry old land of Oz.

Woman working on Dorothy:
We can make a dimple smile out of a frown!

Dorothy: Can you even supply me ups as well as downs?

Woman: Uh-uh!

Dorothy: Jolly old town!

Groomers working on Lion:
Clip, clip here, Clip, clip there,
We clip the roughest claws.

That certain air of blown-dry mane hair
In the merry old Land of Oz.

All: With a ha ha ha, ha ha ha,
ha ha ha, Ha ha ha, ho ho hoh, ha ha ha .....

Suddenly, the Wicked Witch rockets across the sky on her broomstick, writing the words "SURRENDER DOROTHY." BTW, her broomsmanship stinks!

Townspeople: Surrender Dorothy? The Wizard will explain it! Or at least give us cites to original source material so we can research it ourselves.

Wizard’s Guard at the Gate: (to townspeople) Everything is all right. The Great and Powerful Oz has got matters well in hand. (aside) The only thing that pot-head has in hand is..... Well, I’m not going there!

As the townspeople recede, the four approach the gate.
Dorothy: Sir, we’ve come to see the Wizard.

Guard: Orders are nobody can see the Great Oz. NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW! Well, maybe Julian Assange - he already knows everything anyway.

Scarecrow: But she's Dorothy!

Guard: The Witch's Dorothy? Uhh, you got a note from the witch to that effect? Just wait here.

Lion: (optimistic) In no time I’ll have my courage, and I’ll finally be the King!

Tin Man: Yes, the King of Beasts!

Lion: What are you talking about? No, the one true king .... Larry King!

(singing) If I were King of the TV Forest! Not queen, not duke, not prince.
My regal robes of the TV Forest, would be suspenders, red tie, and a blintz.
I'd interview each thing, be it fish or fowl,
With a woof, great modulation, and a raspy growl.
As I'd click my heel, all the guests would kneel.
And the bullsh*tters bow and sponsors kowtow!
And Piers Morgan would take wing. If I - If I - were King!

Each anchor babe would show respect to me.
My seven brides would genuflect to me.
Though my tongue would lash, I would show compash
Where appropriate for each interview-ling!
If I - If I - were King! Just King!

Dorothy: If you were King, you wouldn't be afraid of interviewing anyone?

Lion: Not nobody, not no how!

Tin Man: Not even the great Bob Costas?

Lion: Imp-oceros!

Dorothy: How about the late comedian Danny Thomas?

Lion: Why I'd question him from top to bottom-us!

Dorothy: Supposin' you had on Allison Krauss and Robert Plant?

Lion: I'd wrap their spots up in cellophant!

Scarecrow: What if it were high-powered sports agent Scott Boras?

Lion: I'd show him who's King of the TV Forest!

All: How?

Lion: How?
What makes Larry King the one networks crave?
What makes the flag on his mast still wave (so to speak)?
What makes Fleetwood Mac for Larry sing “Tusk” in the misty mist or the dusky dusk?
What makes this meeskite emit such sweet, sweet musk?
What makes a man old as the Sphinx, the Seventh Wonder?
What makes women named Dawn feel his thunder?
What makes this alte cocker so hot? What puts the flying ape in ape-ricot? What has Larry King got that I ain't got?

Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man: Courage! Women! Money! And he might even be a little younger!

Lion: You can say that again!

Palace Guard: (returns to gate) The Wizard says “Go away.'" I think it’s his day to whiz in the cup!

Dorothy: (crying) Now I’ll never get home. Oh, Auntie Em was so good to me. Always loaning me whatever I needed, with only Toto as collateral!

Palace Guard: (choking up) Please don't cry anymore. I had an Auntie Em myself once, soaked her for thousands too! I’ll get you in to the Wizard somehow.

He opens the doors to the palace and the four slowly march down the long hallway toward the inner sanctum of the Wizard! Excited now?

Lion: Wait minute, fellas. I was just thinkin'. I really don't want to see the Wizard this much. Maybe there’s something like a “training wizard” I could see. Or a wizard expressly for insecure members of the Jewish faith?

Dorothy: C’mon, Lion!

Lion: AHHHHH!!!!!
Scarecrow: What happened?

Lion: Somebody pulled my tail!

Scarecrow: You did it yourself! Oh no, sorry, I’m wrong. It was Jack Nicholson from The Shining! Hey, Jack! My bad!

Just then, the doors to the Wizard’s inner sanctum open!

Wizard: (Booming) Come Forward!!! Advance five spaces, do not skip a turn, and roll again!

A huge disembodied head appears before them, bathed in fire and brimstone, hovering above a giant throne! This is turning into no walk down the Yellow Brick Road in the park!

Tin Man: OMG, that’s the most bizarre thing I’ve seen since Joaquin Phoenix’ first appearance on Letterman!

Wizard: Knock off the chatter! I AM OZ!!! The Great and Powerful! And also a notary, serving all your documentary needs. Who are you?

Dorothy: (stepping forward) I am Dorothy, the small and meek. You’re also a notary? That’s interesting because back in Kansas ...

Wizard: Silence! The Great and Powerful Oz knows why you are here! And for this much work, he would have preferred an appointment!

All shake their heads understandingly.

Wizard: Step Forward, Tin Man! You dare to come to me for a heart, you clinking, clanking, clattering collection of Classic Moments of the Dean Martin Comedy Roasts, never before available and not available in stores!

Tin Man: (stepping forward) Yes, sir, yes, sir. You see, a while back, we were walking down the Yellow Brick Road, and....

Wizard: Quiet! Geez, are you boring! Maybe you’d like to write a novel, be the next Joseph Conrad?

Tin Man: (retreats backward) Whoa, that’s boring!

Wizard: And you, Scarecrow, have the effrontery --- not to mention the ebackery --- to ask for a brain. You fugitive from a whisk broom factory!

Scarecrow: Yes, your honor! I mean, your Excellency! I mean, your Wizardry. I mean, your King of all Media!

Wizard: Stern fan too? Now you’re getting with the program! And you, Lion?

The Lion faints dead away.

Dorothy: (to Wizard): You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Picking him last in the group! He was probably always picked last in gym class and you just made it worse!

Wizard: Silence, whipper-snapper! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests! But first you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West!

Scarecrow: Mr. Wizard, sir? Not to appear ungrateful, but don’t you have anything that involves maybe directing traffic, lunch room monitoring, something like that?

Wizard: No! Now go! I want to eat my afternoon 80 pound bag of Reese’s Pieces in peace! Say that fast five times!

In terror, the Lion runs back down the hallway and jumps through a window, shattering the glass.
Wizard: Oh and when you come back with the broom, guys? Sweep up that broken glass from the damn Lion jumping through my window!
Scene 8 - The Witch’s Castle
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, and Toto are making their way through the creepy eerie Haunted Forest towards the Castle where the Wicked Witch lives. Trust me; even though there is a Hampton Inn with an indoor pool, you don’t want to book a weekend here.....
Tin Man:
(pointing) What does that sign say?
"Witch’s Castle -- 1 mile. I'd Turn Back If I Were You."
A large site area map with a “you are here” arrow would have been much more helpful! (sarcastic) Hah! Our tax dollars at work!
Suddenly Tin Man is lifted high into the air and dropped to the ground with a clatter!
Tin Man: Cool! Y‘know, that’s probably as close as I’ll ever get to being the groom at a Jewish wedding!
Lion: I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks! I also believe that children are the future, I believe when I fall in love it will be forever, and I believe in magic in a young girl’s eyes, but mostly I do believe in spooks!
Meanwhile, back at the Witch’s Castle, more or less adjacent to the Hampton Inn…
Witch: (to Nikko) Take your army to the Haunted Forest and bring me that girl and her dog! Do what you want with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed. No, I don’t care that you’re an endangered species, who do you think I am --- the Oz version of Dian Fossey? Now fly – Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly!
Nikko looks at the Wicked Witch.
Witch: Oh, all right, here’s $17,000 for ice cream!
The winged monkeys fill the sky and soon swoop down upon the four friends. They snatch Dorothy and Toto and carry them off to the Witch’s Castle, tear apart Scarecrow, pummel Lion, and read the poem “Trees” by Joyce Kilmer to Tin Man in a very cautionary manner. As they withdraw ….
Scarecrow: (to Lion and Tin Man) It was awful! They tore my legs off and they threw them over there. Then they took my chest out and they threw it over there.

Tin Man: Well, that's you all over.
Lion: Such a stale old joke and it still works every time. Go Figure!
Meanwhile at the Witch’s Castle...
Witch: (snatching up Toto) What a nice little dog! Yes, you are a cutie-wootie, you are! And you, my dear, it's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness.

Dorothy: Well, I would have brought you an Entenmanns, but they were all out of the Wart Hair-Flavored Bundt Cake. Now give me back my dog!

Witch: All in good time, my little pretty. Besides, he’s a real doll baby! First give me those slippers!

Dorothy: You can have your old slippers; they’re giving me bunions anyway.
The Witch attempts to take the slippers off Dorothy but as before, is zapped by what appears like a huge electrical shock.
Witch: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dorothy: What caused that? Another over-rated Twitter feed? One more over-hyped unfunny HBO special?
Witch: No, that actually was an electric shock! Ouch!!!
Dorothy: Shame. Okay, now fork over Toto and we’ll be going...
Witch: No, I’ve already changed his last name to “of the West” and am setting up a 529 Plan for college tomorrow. But fool that I am, those slippers will never come off as long as you're alive! But that's not what's worrying me, it's how to do it.
While Dorothy and the Witch discuss alternate ways to turn Dorothy into human guacamole dip so the Witch can secure the slippers, Toto escapes.
He got away! He got away! (Witch gives her a look.) What’s that for? Toto’s my dog; you’re trying to kill me! What do I look like - Switzerland?

Witch: Well, no matter. I would never have been able to get up early enough to walk him anyway. Here! (holds up a large hourglass timer) That's how much longer you've got to be alive, my pretty. Oh, BTW, when its half way down would you call me? I’ve got a cake in the oven, because you were rude enough to come without bringing me an Entenmann’s!

Dorothy: I'm frightened, Auntie Em. I'm frightened. Why, Auntie Em, there you are in the crystal ball!

Auntie Em: Dorothy...where are you? Please, it's Auntie Em, we're trying to find you. I need that 45 bucks right away, or I’m foreclosing on Toto!

Meanwhile, Toto runs through the forest and finds Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion and barks at them so loudly and shrilly you begin to sympathize with Miss Gulch.
Scarecrow: Why, don't you see? He's come to take us to Doro-thy.
Tin Man: You know that kind of rhymed, very lovely. Did you ad lib that or was it in the script?
Scarecrow: (modestly) Ad libbed.
Tin Man: Ray Bolger, you do have rhythm!
Following Toto, the three travel through the forest, climb up the side of a mountain, and finally arrive at a rocky mountaintop ... good ole Rocky Top, Rocky Top Tennessee, that’s Rocky Top Tennessee!

Lion: (gazing down at the Witch’s Castle) Who’s them? Who’s them?
Guards of the Witch’s Castle: O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum! O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum!
Scarecrow: What does that mean? “O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum! O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum?” Ever since we first made this movie, I don’t know what “O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum! O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum!” means.
Tin Man: Beats me.
Lion: (to audience) Anybody know? Operators are standing by.
Tin Man: (looking at Castle) Gee, I hate to think about Dorothy in a place like that. Although better her than me!
Scarecrow: I’ve got a plan! (to Lion) And you’re going to lead us!
Lion: Alright, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch. Guards or no guards, I'll tear 'em apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm goin' in there. There's only one thing I want you fellas to do ....... I want ½ share of the gross of the picture designated for the three of us. That means I get ½, you each get ¼. Final offer!
Tin Man: Well, what do you think, Scarecrow?
Scarecrow: Why not? He’ll probably get killed in the fighting anyway!
You know what happens next, and frankly I’m getting sick of describing to you things you’ve known about since you were four! Clad in the uniforms of the three guards they’ve subdued, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion enter the Castle and are led by Toto to the room where Dorothy is imprisoned. Tin Man chops down the door and he-e-e-e-re’s Dorothy!
Dorothy: Oh, thank goodness it’s you! I thought it might be Auntie Em, looking for her 45 bucks!
Dorothy hugs each one of the three, grinding a bit more into Scarecrow than the others. Then the three race down the stairs of the Castle only to find the front door closing in front of them as if they were members of the Jehovah’s Witnesses whom the Witch saw coming all the way.
Witch: (with Nikko and Guards in tow) Going so soon? Why, my little party's just beginning. Sorry, it’s a cash bar.
Noticing that a huge chandelier overhead is suspended by rope, Scarecrow uses Tin Man’s axe to cut the rope and bring the chandelier crashing on the heads of the guards but also sadly killing one Erik Claudin, who at the time was stealthily lurking above the chandelier in an opera cape.
Witch: (to the guards) Half of you go this way, half of you go that way, half of you come with me. Damn it, I have the worst math skills of any wicked witch I know!
After a merry fun-filled chase, our wacky heroes are cornered at the top of the Castle.
Witch: WELL, ha ha ha ha! I have you now! The last to go will see the first three go before her … ah, that’s better math! How about a little fire, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow: No thanks. I suppose some like it hot, but I prefer …….Yeoww!! That’s hot all right!

In desperation Dorothy throws a bucket of water at Scarecrow. However, since she throws like a girl, most of the water hits the Witch and…
Witch: Ohhh! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! What a world! What a world! (Singing, parodying Louis Armstrong) And I think to myself, what a wonderful world! Oh, I see seas of green.... Oh yes, I think to myself .....
All Four: (hands over ears) All right, all right, melt already!
Witch: Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness! And any chance to star in the remake of Wicked should that idiot Perry Block ever get around to making it! Ohhh! I'm going! Ohhh – Ohhhh!
Captain of the Guard: (to Dorothy) You killed her!
Dorothy: I didn't mean to, but she she got me so POed!
Captain: Oh that’s all right. She wears on you after a while anyway.
Scene 9 -The Wizard of Oz
Again, the four enter the inner sanctum of the Wizard of Oz.
Wizard: Oh, you liquidated her, eh? Hope you got at least 70 cents on the dollar, the economy’s a little better here than where you come from.
Dorothy: Please sir, we've done what you asked and brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. Now could you please hurry up and do us? We’ve got theatre tickets and lunch at Sardi’s.
Wizard: Not so fast. NOT SO FAST! I’ve got a heavy day, meetings with auditors, and an Excedrin headache. Go away and come back tomorrow!
Meanwhile Toto runs forward and pulls away a green curtain that covers a booth in which a white-haired man is furiously pulling levers and switches while simultaneously puffing on a joint the size of Rhode Island.
Wizard: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! OMG, he’s doing drugs! I’m shocked, shocked to find pot-smoking going on here! (Wow, that's some yummy looking reefer!)
Dorothy: (pulling aside the curtain) Who are you?
Wizard: (stuttering) I, I, I am the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz….
Dorothy: Why, you’re just a man --- nothing more and nothing less.
Wizard: Yes, you’re right. Though I resent that comment about “nothing less.”
Dorothy: Oh, great! After all this, we get a Milton Berle wannabe for a wizard. You're a very bad man!
Wizard: No, no, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very stoned-out wizard! But Dorothy, I can handle all your problems. Just watch Mr. Wizard! (The only thing I can't do is explain that joke to non-Boomers.)
Wizard: (To Scarecrow): Scarecrow, your problem is a real no-brainer - as it were! You’re smarter than just about anybody who’s ever lived on the planet! You don’t need a diploma; you need to stop hanging with these guys. Here’s a letter of introduction to a major multinational oil corporation.
Scarecrow: (reading) I hereby wish to recommend Scarecrow…. (puts hand to temple) Wow! Astronomical Salary, Big Time Bonus, Stock Options, Deferred Compensation Plan! Look at all those zeroes! Joy! Rapture! Now, I’ve really got a brain!
Wizard: Lion, your problem is that you’re a victim of disordered thinking. You’re under the impression that because you’re a lion, you have to be a courageous risk taker. You don’t need a medal; you need a government job. Here, take this pocket protector; use it wisely!
Lion: (excited) Shucks, folks, I'm speechless. I’m a G-man now, ain’t it the truth?
Wizard: And you, Tin Man, forget the testimonials. You want to get in touch with your feminine side? Here’s the DVD of one of the great chick flick weepers of all times: An Affair to Remember. Watch it six or seven times in a row, but please skip over the idiotic scene with the children’s choir.
Tin Man: Cary Grant! Deborah Kerr! I can feel my heart beating already!
Wizard: And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you can be taken advantage of by others.
Dorothy: This is all wonderful, but I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
Wizard: You force me into a cataclysmic decision, my dear! Y’see, I’m an old Kansas man myself, and I’m going to personally take you back home in a huge air-filled balloon. Now let’s go hit that reservation at Sardi’s, I’m famished!
Dorothy: Know what, Wizard? For a guy who reminds me of the Ted Danson character in Bored to Death, you done good!
Next Day, Emerald City Square is filled with well-wishers as Dorothy and the Wizard prepare to depart.
Wizard: In my upcoming absence, my friends, I’m leaving in charge the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion. Please keep an eye on all three: The Scarecrow’s shortly going to be working for BP, the Tin Man is a touchy-feely Republican and a real Tea Party risk, and the Lion works for the Federal Government.
At the moment the balloon begins to lift off, Toto takes off after a Siamese cat with Dorothy in hot pursuit ....
Dorothy: Come back! Come back! Don't leave without me!
Wizard: I can't come back! I don't know how this thing works, and I’m too wrecked to figure it out! Good-bye folks!
Dorothy: Now I’ll never get home to Kansas, will I Scarecrow? Uh, think you can find me something at BP?
Scarecrow: Well, Dorothy, there’s, um, kind of a hiring freeze! (changing the subject) Look, here's someone who can help you.
Glinda appears, again looking like a painting by Camille Pizaro.
Glinda: (to Dorothy) You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas, though why you’d want to...... You just had to learn it for yourself.
Scarecrow: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I think that it if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Although I might check out Vegas a time or two!
Glinda: That’s all it is! Especially the Vegas part. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy: And Toto too?
Glinda: Toto too. He may have to ride in baggage.
Dorothy: It's hard to say goodbye. I love you all too. (to Tin Man) Now don’t cry and rust. Valvoline's expensive as hell.
Tin Man: Now I know I've got a heart because I really wanted to watch the stupid Deborah Kerr movie with you.
Dorothy: (to Lion) I know it isn’t right, Lion, but I’'m gonna miss the way you used to holler for help before you found your federal job.
Lion: I would never be working 9:00 to 4:30 if it hadn't been for you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: (to Scarecrow) I think I'll miss you most of all.

Scarecrow: See, guys, told you I know how to handle the Midwestern babes!

I’m ready now.

Glinda: Then close your eyes and tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, 'There's no place like home. Auntie Em does my laundry, I usually get my way, Uncle Henry always has the best dope!'

Dorothy: There’s no place like home! Auntie Em does my laundry, I usually get my way, Uncle Henry always has the best dope! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
Scene 10 – No Place Like Home
Dorothy awakens lying on her bed. All her friends from Kansas are there, even Professor Marvel.
Auntie Em: Wake up, honey. You got a bad bump on the head.
Uncle Henry: We kinda thought there for a minute you were gonna leave us.
Dorothy: But I did leave you, Uncle Henry! And I tried to get back for days and days....
Auntie Em: We dream lots of silly things when we’re as emotionally unstable as you are, dear...
Dorothy: No, Auntie Em. This was a real place and in color --- in 1939 yet! And all of you were there. I remember that some of it wasn't very nice, but most of it was beautiful. Doesn't anybody believe me?
Everyone chuckles and rolls their eyes.
Uncle Henry: Of course we believe you, Dorothy. (makes a goofy face, points to it, and spins his finger around and around.)

Dorothy: Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home – home! And this is my room --- although I don’t see why Auntie Em changed the color scheme and took in boarders --- and you're all here. And I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all! Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home!

Everyone --- Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Hickory, Hunk, Zeke, and Professor Marvel --- all beam radiantly as they lean in affectionately towards their darling little girl, home at last, home to stay.
Dorothy: Oh, and Auntie Em ....... get me my damn dinner!