If People Begged for Food like Dogs Do

 

Why a picture from SNL?  Because a few weeks ago SNL ran a similar sketch to the one below.  Only difference is I wrote this sketch several years ago but never did anything with it, when the SNL recent sketch brought it to mind.  Oh well .... 

Characters:

Attorney Hochberg

Attorney Wallace

Mr. Phillips

Voice of Receptionist

Voice of Mr. Brackish

 

A lawyer's office somewhere in the heart of New York City. Two lawyers are sitting around a table in a conference room, numerous papers on the table in front of them.

Mr. Hochberg

I'm so pleased at how swimmingly our negotiations have progressed on the 35-million-dollar merger between our two companies, Amanda. All the areas of merger are fleshed out and agreed upon except the valuation of the Little Rock plant.

Ms. Wallace

So true, Jack, it's been a pleasure working with you. We've hammered out the tax, human resources, and environmental responsibilities in near record time. As soon as the real property appraiser Mr. Phillips gets here, we can nail down our Little Rock issue and we're done.

Mr. Hochberg

Good enough. And we're also waiting for a call from our CEO Mr. Brackish to confirm our understandings and we can button the whole thing up.

Ms. Wallace opens a small package of crackers and puts one in her mouth. Mr. Hochberg's eyes light up. He falls to his knees and walks on his hands and knees over to where Attorney Wallace is sitting.

Mr. Hochberg

Ooooohhhh! May I have some? May I have some crackers, Attorney Wallace?

Ms. Wallace

No, Attorney Hochberg, these are my crackers! They're not for you.

Mr. Hochberg

But I want some! They look so yummy! I haven't eaten since I begged some of the Receptionist's Oreo Cookies ten minutes ago on my way in here!

Ms. Wallace

But these are not Attorney Hochberg's crackers, they're Attorney Wallace’s crackers!

Mr. Hochberg

(whining) Oh, all right. Could have some later, puh-lese?

Ms. Wallace

No! Now go back to your seat.

Mr. Hochberg returns to his seat on his hands and knees, sits in his chair, and regains his composure.

Mr. Hochberg

Now, I don’t think our meeting with the appraiser will take long. He comes highly recommended so I doubt we’ll have many questions about his appraisal.

Ms. Wallace

I agree. Our firm has used him many times before and I’ve always heard his work was right on the money.

Receptionist (over the intercom)

Mr. Hochberg, Ms. Wallace, Mr. Phillips the Appraiser is here.

Mr. Hochberg

Ask him to come in, please.

Mr. Phillips enters.

Ms. Wallace

Welcome, Mr. Phillips. I'm Attorney Wallace and this is Attorney Hochberg.

Mr. Phillips enters and shakes hands with both of them.

Mr. Phillips

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hochberg.

Mr. Hochberg

Same here, Mr. Phillips,

Mr. Phillips

Ms. Wallace.

Ms. Wallace

Nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Mr. Phillips goes to his seat and produces a bagel from his briefcase.

Mr. Phillips

I hope you two don't mind. I was hungry so I bought myself a bagel (begins eating)

Mr. Hochberg and Ms. Wallace both perk up, get on their hands and knees and walk over to Mr. Phillips.

Ms. Wallace

Please, Mr. Phillips, I love bagels! May I have some? I'm so hungry!

Mr. Hochberg

And me too, Mr. Phillips. I want a bagel! Please, please, please! Just a bite, one bite, one little bite!

Mr. Phillips

No, Attorney Wallace! I said no, Attorney Hochberg. This is my bagel, not yours. This is Appraiser food, not Attorney food!

Ms. Wallace

I promise I'll get our firm to hire you again, many more times!

Mr. Hochberg

And I’ll roll over and play dead!

Mr. Phillips

I said no! You two have to learn not to beg at the conference table!

Mr. Hochberg & Ms. Wallace

Oh, all right.

Both return on their hands and knees to their seats.

Ms. Wallace

Now, Mr. Phillips, to the matter of the appraisal of the Little Rock building, equipment, inventory, and real property.

Mr. Phillips

Yes, I've been to Little Rock and carefully ...

Receptionist

Mr. Brackish is on the phone.

Mr. Hochberg

Put him on the speaker please.

Mr. Brackish

Good morning, Amanda and Jack! Is Mr. Phillips with you too?

Mr. Wallace

Hello, Mr. Brackish. Yes, he’s here and we're proud to say the deal is almost all set except for the signing.

Mr. Brackish

Wonderful! As a celebration, I'm taking all three of you to lunch this afternoon.

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips perk up.

Mr. Hochberg

Where did you have in mind, sir?

Mr. Brackish

How would you three like the thickest juiciest steak in town at Morton's?

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips fall to their hands and knees and race for the door.

Mr. Hochberg

Me, me, me, me! Can't wait to have steak!

Mr. Phillips

Big steak, juicy steak, medium rare, gotta have it!

Ms. Wallace

Know what, guys? I think I just evolved. I'm going to skip lunch and get this deal done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Vampire in the Mirror

Note:  This sketch was actually performed, with some decent effect.  But what the hell, Trump is running wild these days, I'm up at night with nothing else going on as usual, so post away!

Characters

Vlad - a narcissistic vampire

Lestat - his friend

 

Scene opens with Vlad looking in a mirror very upset and distraught. 

VLAD

I can’t stand it anymore.  It’s driving me crazy! 

Lestat, another vampire, joins him on stage.

 

LESTAT

OMG!  What’s wrong, Vlad!?  What can be so bad? 

VLAD

I don’t know how I look! I just can’t tell!

 

LESTAT

Of course you can’t tell.  We’re vampires.  We cast no reflection in a mirror.

VLAD

But it isn’t fair, Lestat.  Here I am, 659 years undead and I can’t tell if I’m aging well.  Or not aging well, as it were!

LESTAT

So what?

 

VLAD

Last night I was about to bite a young lady in the neck who was asleep in her bed and she woke up and began screaming. Loud bloodcurdling screams! Why would she scream like that?!!

LESTAT

Because you’re a vampire.

VLAD

Yes, but …

LESTAT

About to bite her in the neck and drain her of all her life sustaining fluids.

VLAD

Well, there is that. But how do I know it isn’t my looks that are turning the ladies off?!  How do I know I’m not turning into the John C. Riley of vampires?

LESTAT

That’s silly, Vlad. What makes you think all this?

VLAD

I ran into Victor recently and I said to him “Victor, I haven’t seen you since the Bubonic Plague.  My, you look great!” And you know what he said to me? 

LESTAT

 No, what?

VLAD

How ‘bout dem Phillies? 

Changes the subject right away.

LESTAT

Maybe he is a big Phillies fan!

VLAD

I happen to know he lives in New Jersey. He’s always talking about how he’d love to sink his teeth into that delicious morsel Chris Christie!!!

 

LESTAT

OMG, he would be delicious!

VLAD

But isn’t there some rule or law that when someone compliments your looks, you have to reciprocate?

LESTAT

Never heard of such a thing. Get a grip, Vlad!

VLAD

But, Lestat, whenever I run into any of my fellow vampires they react as though I was wearing a humongous Christian cross.

LESTAT

Vlad, of course they react that way.  You live in Lower Merion. Most of your vampire friends are Jewish.

VLAD

But I wanna be cute, just like I was during the Spanish Inquisition!  Tell me, Lestat:  am I Brad Pitt or Nosferatu?

LESTAT

I couldn’t say.  You’re just gonna have to forget  about all this Vlad. As a vampire, you’re never going to be able to see how you look.

 

But I want to look good.  I’ve so much at stake!

 LESTAT

Stake?! Don’t say the word “Stake, Vlad!”

VLAD

Sorry, sorry!  Okay, say, wanna grab a quick bite? We can jump on  a couple of dudes in South Philly.

LESTAT

No, thank you.  I … uh … the folks there eat so much spicey food they all have garlic breath.

VLAD

Okay, see you soon, I’m off.

 

VLAD leaves the stage.

LESTAT

Thank God he left!  Having to eat and look at the guy at the same time would disgust just about everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

If You Build It

 

Note:  Here's another unsold pilot of mine, a sketch nobody really liked so I'm parking it here. Most people will recognize this movie though some Gen Zers may not. But who the hell am I kidding? The chance the a Gen Zer might wander into here is as likely as Scarlett Johansson leaving Colin Jost for me.

Actually probably even less likely.

Characters:

The Voice

Perry

Herbie

VOICE

(Whispering)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

I’m sorry … I can’t hear you.

VOICE

(Louder; sarcastic)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

Better!  But who … who … are you?

VOICE

I’m the Voice from the movie Field of Dreams that encourages Kevin Costner to build a baseball diamond from which Shoeless Joe Jackson appears and touches his life in unique and miraculous ways!

PERRY

Oh, of course, I love that movie! I guess what you’re saying is you want me to build a baseball diamond too.

VOICE

Nah, I nailed that one the first time.  Let’s try something new.

PERRY

Okay.  Then … a football stadium?

VOICE

You’re going to build a football stadium?   I’m sure the Linc is just worried sick about the competition!

PERRY

Basketball court then?  

VOICE

I already had a guy build one of those. 

PERRY

And after he built it, who came?

VOICE

Wilt Chamberlain.   

PERRY

Oh, damn!  Sorry to miss that one.

VOICE

Yeah, it was epic.

PERRY

So then, a hockey rink?

 VOICE

No way I’m springing for a Zamboni.

PERRY

Fussball Table?  

VOICE

No! No! No!  Though I do love those spinners on Fuss ball.

 

PERRY

What then?

VOICE

 A pickleball court.

 

PERRY

A pickleball court?  Why?

 

VOICE

It’s getting really popular these days. Build it, and he will come.

 

PERRY

Who will come?

VOICE

Sorry, I never give that away this early.

 

PERRY

But how do I build it?  I don’t know anything about it.

 

VOICE

Google it.

PERRY

How could I go wrong? After all, Field of Dreams was a heck of a movie.

 

BLACKOUT

 

PERRY

(Banging with a hammer, stops, and sighs as he finishes)

Well, it’s taken me a year but I googled it, ordered the tooling, supplies, and I got me a pickleball court here.  You hear me, Voice?

 

VOICE

Great! You have built it and he will come.

 

PERRY

Super!

 

A slovenly figure appears.

 

GUY

Hey, how youse doin’?

 

PERRY

Who are you?

 

GUY

Herbie Blitzstein.

 

PERRY

Voice? Hey, Voice!

 

VOICE

Yes?

 

PERRY

What’s the deal? Who is this guy?

 

VOICE

That’s my brother-in-law Herbie.  Anything to get that bum outta the house.

 

PERRY

That’s who I built it for?! That’s the “if you build it, he will come” guy?!!

‘

VOICE

You do everything some random disembodied voice asks you to?

 

PERRY

But it all worked out so well in Field of Dreams!

 

VOICE

Yeah, well, I like to see who’s gullible enough to build these things.  It’s fun.

 

PERRY

Now what do I do with him?!

 

VOICE

You’ll be fine as long as you have a guestroom and an endless supply of beer. Well, dude, I’m off.

 

PERRY

Where ya goin’?

VOICE

Off to con some poor sucker into building me a Fussball Table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dope About Alcohol

 

Recently the government has advised us that even a modest amount of alcohol consumption may increase one's chances of developing cancer and contracting a host of other health problems.  

Of course this was before the CDC came to be run by a man who doesn't know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid, between vaccines and vacillating about vaccines, and between his ass and his elbow.

But just prior to that time the government was newly advising us  that the Big Three causes of cancer were now Smoking, Obesity, and that up-and-comer Alcohol. It was even suggested that warning labels should be placed on bottles of your favorite alcoholic drink similar to those that appear on a pack of cigarettes.

In fact, we could combine all the warnings into one, like ..

Don't Smoke

Don't Eat

Don't Drink

Face It, Buddy, You're Fucked!

And I don't disagree with any of this.

I never smoked tobacco and I've alway been thin, but I have been known to hoist a pint or two in my day, and my day hasn't been that many days ago and those pints haven't always skidded to a stop at two.

In my early twenties I was addicted to pot (we called it dope back then), and yes, I did enjoy it but mostly I was trying to escape from those things in life that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

In my late twenties I was addicted to quaaludes, and yes, I did enjoy  them but mostly I was trying to escape from those things in life that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

In my early seventies I was addicted to alcohol, and yes, I did enjoy it but mostly I was trying to escape from Demon Regret over those things in life I escaped from that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

Whew!

You get the drift.

All of which has nothing whatsoever to do with whether alcohol or dope or quaaludes cause cancer or not. 

Maybe it's wanting to escape that ought to come with a warning label.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

 

                                      

Note:  Here's another sketch everyone hated, so it shares the status of an "unsold

pilot." I think it has sort of a Monty Python vibe, so I'm parking it here.

WTF.   

                                The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

                Cast

                 Dr. Romberg

                 Mr. and Mrs. Rogers

                 Chad, Dr. Romberg's assistant               

                 Premise: Dr. Romberg is totally unable to look at a set of facts and draw                   the obvious correct conclusion.

                  Scene: Dr. Romberg's office.   

                                           DR. ROMBERG

Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Rogers. Nice to see you.

                    MR.ROGERS

 Thank you, Doctor Romberg.

MRS. ROGERS

 Yes, thank you, doctor. You know we've been waiting with baited breath ever since we had our tests taken last week.

MR.ROGERS

We just want to make sure everything's fine and dandy before we try to start a family.

DR.ROMBERG 

Ah yes, your fertility tests, I know how much you want a child. Before we discuss your status I need to speak with my office assistant.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers sit down. Doctor Romberg picks up intercom and speaks.

DR.ROMBERG

 Chad, please hold all my calls while the Rogers are here. That's right, I'll talk to anyone and everyone who calls.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers look at each other in puzzlement.

          DR.ROMBERG

Now, folks, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The two of you will not be able to have children.

MR.ROGERS AND MRS. ROGERS

  OH, NO!

MR.ROGERS

Is it me? Am I the problem?

DR. ROMBERG

 Oh, no, Mr. Rogers. You could father an army!

                    MRS. ROGERS

 Then it's me.

DR.ROMBERG

 No, Mrs. Rogers, you're fine as well.

MR.ROGERS

 Then what's the problem?

DR.ROMBERG

 Well, you see, I'm a terrible fertility doctor. I have absolutely no ability to look at a set of facts and draw the right conclusion.

            MR.ROGERS

Oh!  So then we can have children?

DR. ROMBERG

 Absolutely not, in my professional opinion. Which is based on my total inability to process information and data.

MRS. ROGERS

 Well, that's terrible news. I'm crushed!

DR.ROMBERG

 I'm so sorry. That is, sorry that I have no ability to analyze test results that are as clear as the nose on my face.

MR. ROGERS

 I just got an idea! Why not run the tests again and that will give you another chance to look at the results and get it right?

DR. ROMBERG

 No, no, no, that won't make any difference!

MR. ROGERS

 Why?

DR. ROMBERG

 You'll pass the tests again with flying colors and I'll get everything wrong again! You have to understand that my ability to reason is totally nil.

MRS. ROGERS

 Would this work? You just look at the test results one more time and this time tell us the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever you conclude.

DR. ROMBERG

What are you saying?!  Do you think I  have no ethics, no scruples?                   

MRS. ROGERS

 I'm so sorry, doctor. I apologize.

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we have a lot of faith in you.

DR. ROMBERG

 You shouldn't.

MR.ROGERS 

But ... maybe we should get a second opinion.

DR.ROMBERG

 In my judgment, any other doctor will come to the same conclusion I have. But since my judgment is always wrong, congratulations you two!

MRS. ROGERS

 Thank you, doctor. You've made us very happy!

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we don't know how to thank you!

The Rogers leave. Dr. Romberg speaks into the Intercom.

DR. ROMBERG

 Chad, do I have any more appointments for the day?

CHAD

No, doctor, you have no appointments scheduled for this afternoon.

DR. ROMBERG 

Damn. I was hoping to get home early tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Trans-Generational Newscast

 

Note: My blog generally sits idle these days so I thought I'd just post random shit when the mood strikes me. This is a several years old comedy sketch, never performed, which I updated.  It ain't great, but it ain't terrible either.

This post is only for Baby Boomers.  I know this because I once pitched it to my sketch comedy group made up mostly of 30-somethings and they had no idea what it was about.  If you are under 60, do not read!  

Of course, I don't expect anyone to read it.

The Trans-Generational Newscast

Cast

Guy Greenleaf, Boomer News Anchor

Ellen Dozier, Boomer News Anchor

Jodie Andrews, young woman reporter

Randi Rogers, young woman reporter

Cindy Wexler, young woman reporter

George, the producer

Young Staffer

 

Premise:  Older cable news anchors Guy Greenleaf and Ellen Dozier (in the manner of, say, Wolf Blitzer), are dumbfounded by all the attractive young female reporters on their show and, despite the fact that they are all highly qualified, lament the days when the airwaves were filled with middle-aged white guys like them. Guy – a little bit of a dolt - is more aghast by it all, Ellen is more begrudgingly accepting. She also tends to put down Guy’s pretensions.

Scene:  Two anchors are sitting at a desk.

ELLEN DOZIER

This is CMM, and we welcome you here in the United States and around the world and back again. I'm Ellen Dozier.

GUY GREENLEAF

And I’m Guy Greenleaf.

 

“Breaking     Graphic appears with music. 

GUY GREENLEAF

We have Breaking News!  There's a further development about Trump’s proposed bill to replace the words “Birthright Citizenship” with “Birthright Deportation” in the U.S. Constitution, which has been moving briskly through both Republican houses of Congress.  With more on the story is our Senior White House Correspondent Jodie Andrews.

Jodie app

JODIE ANDREWS

Guy, Trump's proposed bill  to enshrine "Birthright Deportation" in the Constitution along with the words “Birthright Citizenship is a Far-Left Woke Democratic Conspiracy Like No One’s Ever Seen Before" has just passed both houses of Congress!”

 

GUY GREENLEAF

(aside to Ellen) My, Ellen, they keep getting younger and younger, don't they? Is there any correspondent or commentator left on cable news today who isn't an attractive woman under 35?

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Yeah. Us.

 

JODIE ANDREWS

And Senator Lindsey Graham has just now broken down in tears exclaiming “the bill is beautiful, reads like poetry!”

ELLEN DOZIER

Thank you, Jodie, for that great update.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

(aside) Gee, how old do you think she is, anyway?

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Old enough to be our granddaughter.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Our granddaughter?!  But we don’t have a …I mean, aside from that one weekend during lockdown … Oh, I see!

 

ELLEN DOZIER

And we have Broken News!    There's been an incredible development just now in the Senate as the "Birthright Deportation" bill has passed. With more  is our Senior Congressional Correspondent Randi Rogers.

GUY GREENLEAF

(aside) Boy, she's even younger, isn't she? How old do you suppose she is?

ELLEN DOZIER

I'm not sure. Maybe 25 or 28.

GUY GREENLEAF

25 or 28? When I was that age, I still had hair.

ELLEN DOZIER

Nah, pretty sure you didn't.

RANDI ROGERS

Ellen, just now Senator Graham has suddenly grown a second head!  Senator Graham says he's delighted that this has happened, stating “Now I can support even the most bat-shit crazy thing President Trump says with one head and with the other - should the wind ever shift away from Trump -  deny I ever liked him or even knew him.” 

GUY GREENLEAF

Two different heads, Randi, has this ever happened before?

RANDI ROGERS

Speaking out of both sides of one’s mouth is not uncommon but two separate heads is something new.  A handy thing for shameless Republicans to have these days in case Trump is ever voted out of office. That is, except for Marjorie Taylor Greene who has just now said “This one head is stupid enough to cover everything.” Ellen?

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Great reporting, Randi, thank you.   Y’know Randi graduated both from the Johns Hopkins School of Political Science and Harvard Law School.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Ellen, every one of these young women is excellent, but where are the middle-aged news folks of yore? Where's Walter Cronkite? Where's Eric Sevareid? Where's Morley Safer? 

ELLEN DOZIER

Dead. Now let’s move on.

GUY GREENLEAF

And  we have Broken to Bits News!  Here's Cindy Wexler with more on the story.

Broke

CINDY WEXLER

Guy, Trump has just announced that he's imposing stiff tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and California. In his announcement Trump repeated his oft quoted words that "the most beautiful word in the dictionary is tariff," to which many Americans have replied "Trump has a dictionary?"

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Gee, she’s the youngest yet!

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Cindy, uhh, just out of curiosity, how old are you?

CINDY WEXLER

I don't know why you're asking that, Uncle Guy, since you were both at my bat mitzvah last year.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Fourteen! This is nuts. Great as they all are, every correspondent is young and great looking! This is unfair to us middle aged reporters.

ELLEN DOZIER

And even more unfair to us old as shit reporters.

GUY GREENLEAF

Hey, George! George! Mr. Producer, get in here!

GEORGE

Guy, you're in the middle of a broadcast. What the fuck!

GUY GREENLEAF

I've had it, George! Everywhere we look are great locking young women! They're at the White House, at Congress, at the Pentagon, at every mass random shooting anywhere in the United States, which equals at least two more beautiful young women every day.

ELLEN DOZIER

(wistful) ... blondes, brunettes, red heads, shoulder length hair, one side brushed back behind their backs ...

GUY GREENLEAF

Yeah, with actual hair to brush! Why all these young women, George?

GEORGE

Because they appeal to our demographic, Guy. Nobody wants to look at you anymore.

ELLEN DOZIER

I guess I have to agree with that.

GUY GREENLEAF

Well, I don't think it's right we Boomers are discriminated against, and I just might walk right off the set!

GEORGE

You must be reading my mind! You know the contracts for you two are up for renewal and frankly it’s time for a change.

GUY GREENLEAF

How can that be? Our contracts aren't that old.

GEORGE

Guy, they were written with a quill pen!

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Guy, I think George is saying it's time for us to go. At least for you to go.

GEORGE

Nah, it's time for both of you.

GUY GREENLEAF

Well, I’m not leaving.

Young staffer enters and he and George literally lift Guy and carry him off as he’s still spouting news jargon like “This is CMM” and “Breaking News,” “Broken News, etc.” Ellen watches this, shrugs, and hurries off too.

 

ELLEN DOZIER

(to George)

Don’t worry, I’m going too!

Randi and  Jodie and Randi take their places in the anchors’ chairs. .…

JODIE ANDREWS

This is CMM, and we welcome you here in the United States and around the world and back again. I'm Jodie Andrews.

 

RANDI ROGERS

And I’m Randi Rogers.  And we have Breaking News!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Great  MSNBC Reporters:  Nicole Wallace, Andrea Mitchell, Hallie Jackson, Stephanie Ruhl, and Katy Tur.  Even Guy Greenleaf would approve.