Written and directed by Perry Block The First Ever Wholly Unauthorized Re-make
of The Wizard of Oz!
For nearly forty years (that is, as of 1939) this story has given faithful service to the Young in Heart; and Time has been powerless to put its kindly philosophy out of fashion.
To those of you who have been faithful to it in return --- and to the Young in Heart --- we dedicate this un-authorized, shoddy, and hastily thrown together travesty. It’ll kill 10 minutes for you.
We hope you enjoy it. Or at least don’t want to break into my house and lynch me!
(Note: This is a really long post. I'd recommend you bring it on a plane, into the men's room, or best yet, get me to read it to you!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cast of Characters
Dorothy (Judy Garland) --- The Legend. You don’t have to be gay to love Judy!
Scarecrow (Ray Bolger) --- Aside from his classic turn here, this great song and dance man is largely unknown to post-Boomers. Hey, millennials: just think of him as Lady Gaga without tits.
Tin Man (Jack Haley) --- Even less well-known today is this funny light leading man who stepped in and mercifully spared us a lifetime of watching Jed Clampett blow smoke out a funnel atop his head!
Cowardly Lion (Bert Lahr) --- A great vaudevillian and comic actor and the only “Member of the Tribe” in the film. For your next version of The Hanukkah Song, Adam Sandler, take note already!
Wizard of Oz (Frank Morgan) --- Jovial and avuncular with that one-of-a-kind voice, he actually played five different roles. Well, only two here; it’s just a dopey parody folks, not the actual movie!
Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton) --- Years later she morphed into Cora the Coffee Lady in a series of nostalgic commercials, always a welcome sight to Boomers and their elders. But I’m still not sure I’d drink any coffee she’d hand me!
Glinda (Billie Burke) --- An unusual bit of casting, sort of like a contemporaneous version of Betty White in the part. Ms. Burke was a bit long in the tooth to play a "beautiful witch," but she pulled it off just fine with her charming voice and a battalion of makeup artists.
Auntie Em (Clara Blandick) --- Perhaps the most iconic character in movie history whose face you can’t close your eyes and picture.
Uncle Henry (Charley Grapewin) --- Perhaps the second most iconic character….
Munchkins (The Singer Midgets) --- Who the hell was Singer? What was his mysterious hold over the Munchkins? Was he the real life Wicked Witch of the West?
The Flying Monkeys --- Over 700 real Flying Monkeys were imported from Borneo to Hollywood by famed naturalist Jack Hanna Sr. for three weeks of shooting at a cost to the studio of over $27,000 in live rats! Not to mention the handful of paternity suits.
Hymie Moskowitz (Fred Armisen) --- I made him up! Whaddya goin’ do about it?
Toto (Toto) --- Probably the only sane one in the bunch!
Scene 1 – Kansas
We first see Dorothy, Toto in hand, as she runs towards the farmhouse where she lives with Auntie Em and Uncle Henry. At this point the movie is in black and white only, serving to represent how the dull windswept Kansas landscape resembles your own miserable boring little life.
No offense now.
Dorothy: She isn't coming yet, Toto. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? Come on – we'll go tell Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And then we’ll put it on Facebook! C’mon, Toto!
Dorothy runs into the farmyard where, through the miracle of Foreshadowing, she encounters three of the farm’s hired hands.
Dorothy: Oh, here you all are! Hunk, Zeke, Hickory: Miss Gulch is after Toto! What can I do!?
Hunk: Dorothy, you have to use your head about Miss Gulch. Your head ain't made of straw, you know. It’s actually made of a gooey bulbous gray matter, floating in a gloppy viscous solution --- actually, straw’s a lot more pleasant!
Zeke: Are you gonna let that old Gulch heifer try and buffalo ya? She ain't nothin' to be afraid of. Have a little courage, that's all. OMG! I just shit myself!
Hickory: I’d use a little heart, Dorothy. Y’know, someday, they're going to erect a statue to me in this town!
Auntie Em: (entering the scene) From what I’ve heard, Hickory, I’d avoid the using the word “erect” if I were you! And Dorothy, I heard all that about Miss Gulch. Stay away from her and find yourself some place where there isn’t any trouble!
Hunk, Hickory, Zeke, and Auntie Em all depart, leaving Dorothy & Toto alone.
Dorothy: Some place where there isn't any trouble. Where? Like the Korean Peninsula? Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It's far, far away, behind the moon, beyond the rain … okay, now a little to the left, a bit higher on the right ... we'll hang this thing yet .... that's it, perfect!
(Singing) Somewhere over the rainbow, when I'm high There's a land that I heard of where life's one big alibi Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue, And the dreams that you dare to dream tell the world "Fuck You!"
Some day I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where George Clooney's crouched behind me! Where troubles melt like lemon drops, And Scotch and Gin will wet my chops, And Miss Gulch will never find me!
Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why, can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly, why oh why, can't I?
(speaking) Well, folks, that was your first song parody and frankly, it wasn't that great. I promise you they'll get better, but like how much did you pay to read this parody anyway?
The scene shifts and Miss Gulch is seen riding her rickety little bicycle up to the farmhouse and knocking on the door, where she is greeted by Ward and June ... I mean, Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. Sorry, iconic character mix-up.
Miss Gulch: I want to see you both. That little dog of Dorothy’s bit me!
Uncle Henry: That poor feller! Think we should have his stomach pumped?
Miss Gulch: No, you nincompoop! I’ve got a court order to take him to the sheriff to be destroyed. Or at least made to listen to ABBA!
Dorothy: (rushing forward) No! Auntie Em, don't let her force Toto to listen to ABBA!
Auntie Em: We can't go against the law, Dorothy. Years ago, I fought the law…. and the law won.
Dorothy: Do me a favor, Auntie Em. Don't sing. (to Miss Gulch) I won't let you take Toto. You go away, you wicked old witch!
Uncle Henry: (to the audience) That’s a bit more Foreshadowing, folks. We're big on that here in Kansas. There's not much else to do.
Dorothy turns away to her room, sobbing.
Auntie Em: Almira Gulch, for twenty-three years I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you. And now... well, being a Christian woman … I can't say it! (pause) That’s why I brought my friend Hymie Moskowitz over today. Go ahead, Hymie, tell her what we think of her!!
Hymie steps out from the corner of the room.
Hymie: Actually, Emmy, I kind of like her. She seeing anybody?
Auntie Em: Hymie! All the way from NYC for this!
In front of the distraught Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, Miss Gulch stuffs Toto into her basket and begins pedaling away. But just a short way down the road, Miss Gulch’s cell phone rings ....
Miss Gulch: (answering) Oh, Hymie! How are you? No, I never dated a Jew before. I hear Jewish men are very sexy! ...
Toto pushes his head out of Miss Gulch’s basket, looks at Miss Gulch incredulous at her last comment, and escapes!
Miss Gulch: Eaten a knish? No, never have, Hymie, but I think I like the sound of that ...
Toto runs back down the road and leaps through the window into Dorothy’s bedroom.
Dorothy: Toto, you’re back! We've got to get away. Uhh, you got any dough? I’m a little short...
Dorothy and Toto flee from the house across the barren Kansas landscape and shortly arrive at a wooden bridge, on the other side of which is a broken down wagon with the sign “Professor MARVEL, Acclaimed by The Crowned Heads of Europe, Let Him Read Your Past, Present & Future in His Crystal. Also he’s a Notary.”
Professor Marvel: Hello, young lady! What are you up to? No, wait, let me guess. You’re running away.
Dorothy: How’d you guess?
Professor Marvel: Professor Marvel never guesses, he knows. Plus we’re here in the middle of T.S. Eliot’s The Wasteland; I hardly thought you were scouting locations for the next Judd Apatow movie!
Dorothy: Can Toto and I go with you and see all the Crowned Heads of Europe?
Professor Marvel: Well, I only get to see the crowned heads, not the whole bodies. That pretty much limits things to Marie Antoinette and Louis the XVI.
Professor Marvel leads Dorothy and Toto into his wagon to read what the future holds for Dorothy by gazing into his Crystal Ball. As Dorothy closes her eyes, Professor Marvel rummages through her basket.
Professor Marvel: I see a woman wearing a polka-dot dress. She's care-worn.
Dorothy: That must be my Auntie Em. What's she doing?
Professor Marvel: Why she's crying. Someone has hurt her, someone she loves very much. She also has very, very thick lips! Why, each one of her lips is thicker than both of Mick Jagger’s!
Dorothy: That’s not Auntie Em, you idiot, that’s Angelina Jolie! What were you doing, Marvel, rifling through my UsMagazine?
Professor Marvel: Angelina Jolie? So much for begging you to fix me up with your Auntie!!
Dorothy: But now I'm homesick for the real Auntie Em, even without thick lips.
Dorothy and Toto begin racing back toward the farm.
Dorothy: Goodbye, Professor Marvel, and thanks. If I ever need anything notarized....
Professor Marvel: You can't beat my rates, kid. (to his horse) Better get under cover, Sylvester, there's a storm blowin' up, a whopper! Poor little kid! I hope she gets home all right. Not that I offered to take her home or anything ...
As Dorothy reaches the farm, a tornado is literally chewing up the scenery, following the example of the actors. Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Hunk, Hickory, and Zeke are frantically trying to get into the underground storm shelter, pushing each other out of the way like the Three Stooges!
Zeke: It's a twister! It's a twister!
Hickory: Hey, that’s a great game! Think we can get Dorothy and Auntie Em to play?
Auntie Em: Cool it, Harvey Weinstein! (I added this joke much later, folks. 10/27/17.) Dorothy, Dorothy, where are you? Damn, she owes me money!
Uncle Henry: Ahh, she borrows from everyone. Even Toto!
Uncle Henry slams the shelter door shut as if he just saw a whole life insurance salesperson coming up the walkway. Seconds later, Dorothy and Toto arrive.
Dorothy: Auntie Em! Uncle Henry! Please let me in! There’s no HBO in the farmhouse and the new season of Curb is on!
Dorothy and Toto rush back into the house where Dorothy gets a clonk on the head. Falling on her bed, her brain begins swimming like Michael Phelps (only a little better looking) as the farmhouse flies into the sky. Out the window she sees:
• an old lady knitting calmly in a rocking chair, • a moo-cow, • all kinds of flotsom and jetsomtfrom the storm, • two gentlemen steadily rowing a boat who politely doff their hats to her, and • Miss Gulch, madly pedaling her bicycle through the air, nightmarishly transforming before our eyes into a cackling witch with a pointed hat and cape on a zooming broomstick!
Is it any wonder why this part of the film reminds us Boomers of the 60's?
Scene II - The Land of Oz
Dorothy awakes and rises from her bed.
Dorothy: Oh! That was cool, eh Toto? Let’s get some cotton candy, get back in line, and do it again!
Dorothy, holding Toto, walks outside the house andbeholds a glorious candy land of joy, happiness, and sunshine! The film is now in full Eastman Color, emphasizing both how fabulous and miraculous things are in Oz compared to how lousy your own miserable boring little life is by comparison!
No offense now.
Dorothy: Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. We must be over the rainbow! Either that or in the United States the way Sarah Palin sees it!
In a large blue bubble --- probably chewed and blown by Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel --- a shimmering figure appears.
Glinda: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.
Glinda: (pointing to Toto) Oh. Well, is that the witch?
Dorothy: Only to Michael Vick.
Glinda: Well, I'm a little muddled. The Munchkins called me because a new witch has just dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. And there's the house – and here you are – and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East.
Dorothy: Now, I get it! Last November, you overdosed on Christine O’Donnell and you’ve got witches on the brain? Is this Delaware?
Glinda: No, no, not at all! I am Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before. Although you’re played by actress Billie Burke who was already 25 years too old for the part and very much looking it in 1939.
Glinda: Only bad witches are ugly and …. what! Hey, what’s that crack supposed to mean?
Dorothy: Oh, nothing … nothing… (begins whistling) Say, who are the Munchkins?
Glinda: They’re the little people that inhabit this land. They’re named after a popular breakfast treat from a chain of coffee shops that will open about 50 years from now. Our idiot director Perry Block thinks the Dunkin' Donuts people are going to pay him something for that shameless plug.
Dorothy: Well, being’s I’m their hero and they’ll probably want to kiss my hindquarters royally, what’s say we meet and greet:
Those crazy Munchkins!
Glinda: (singing) Come out, come out, wherever you are, and meet the young lady who fell from a star. She fell from a star, she’s the Witch-Killing Czar, and Kansas she says is the name of the star!
Dorothy: I'm diggin' it!
From all around the Munchkins come out of hiding to meet Dorothy. There’s Munchkins to the right of her, Munchkins to the left of her, Munchkins to the …. Is that enough referencing for some cash payment, Dunkin' Donuts? No? Damn!
Glinda: (singing) She’s a babe you should know. Or haven't you heard? When they kicked her out of Kansas, a miracle occurred.
Dorothy: It really was no miracle,
what happened was just this:
The wind began to switch;
the Witch was with her boyfriend Mitch;
And suddenly her clothes Mitch started to unhitch.
Just then the Witch - to satisfy an itch -
Handed Mitch her broomstick,
Oh, what a horny Witch!
First Munchkin: And oh, what happened next was kitsch!
All Munchkins: The Witch had on no stitch, As Mitch began to twitch. Then the house landed on Witch & Mitch Who were shtupping in a ditch, Which ended this stealthy situation for the Wicked Witch. And it was no glitch That sleazing round with Mitch Put an end to the Wicked Witch!
Second Munchkin: (to Dorothy) We thank you very sweetly, for offing her so neatly.
Third Munchkin: And to thank you more completely, on Twitter we’ll thank you tweetly!
Glinda: Let the joyous news around us swarm –-- the wicked old witch has bought the farm!
The Munchkins: (singing) Ding Dong, the witch is dead, Which old witch? It rhymes with witch! Ding Dong, the rhymes with witch is dead! Ding Dong the merry-oh, Let’s get high, with lotsa blow! Get out your dough, the rhymes with witchis dead!
Dorothy: Hey, they're good!
Glinda: (whispering) They used to open for Liza Minelli.
Now in a puff of smoke, another figure appears, dark, ugly, and menacing. Hymie Moskowitz would probably have the hots for her too.
Wicked Witch: Who killed my sister? (pointing to Dorothy). Is it you? (then looks over at dead witch’s feet beneath the house.) Say, nice house, good construction, wood siding too. (to Dorothy) What are the schools like? You taking offers?
Dorothy: (to Glinda) I thought you said she was dead!
Glinda: That was her sister, the Wicked Witch of the East. This is the Wicked Witch of the West. She’s worse than the other one!
Dorothy: Worse than the other one? Not that it’s important or anything, but seems to me that’s kind of significant information you left out before, sister!
Glinda: Slipped my mind. What the heck. (to the Wicked Witch) Aren’t you forgetting something? The Ruby Slippers?
Wicked Witch: Oh yeah, thanks, Glinda! You're a peach!
The Wicked Witch approaches the Wicked Witch of the East’s feet and tries to secure her shoes. She screams in pain as she experiences what seems to be a terrific electric shock.
Wicked Witch:AHHHHHHHH!!!!! I experienced a tweet from the vastly over-rated Twitter feed @ShitMyDadSays. It was totally unfunny!!!
Glinda: (to Dorothy) Nobody deserves to suffer like that!
The Ruby Slippers now disappear from the Wicked Witch of the East’s shriveling feet and appear on Dorothy.
Wicked Witch: Where are those slippers? My feet are freezing!
Glinda: (pointing to Dorothy’s feet) There they are and there they’ll stay. Besides, they’re way too small for Dorothy’s clodhopper feet; she wouldn't be able to take them off for a foot massage from George Clooney.
Dorothy: Hey! What’s that crack supposed to mean?
Glinda: Oh, nothing … nothing… (begins whistling)
Wicked Witch: (to Dorothy) Give me those slippers!
Glinda: Hang on to them tight. They must be very powerful or she wouldn’t want them so much. Plus you can’t believe how much they go for in Bloomies!
Wicked Witch: (to Glinda) Very well – I'll bide my time. (to Dorothy) And as for you, it's true I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like, butI'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too! Uhh, what I mean is …. I’ll get you and Toto in my station wagon and take you right over to the Westminster Dog Show!
Glinda: Begone, you have no powder here! Nor do you have any liquid detergent, so you can’t do your wash now. You’ll just have to hit the Laundromat later!
With a cackle of laughter, the Wicked Witch whirls around and vanishes in a burst of smoke and fire.
Glinda: I’m afraid you’ve made quite a powerful enemy! At least it’s not Nucky Thompson from Boardwalk Empire!
Dorothy: Now what do I do? Do you know how I can get back to Kansas, Glinda? You don’t even know how to find a good plastic surgeon!
Glinda: That's true. I .... hey, what's that crack supposed to mean?
Second Munchkin: (to Dorothy) Follow the Yellow Brick Road!
Dorothy: Dude, I’m not deaf!
Third Munchkin: (to Dorothy) Follow the Yellow Brick Road!
Dorothy: I get it! I get it!!!
All the Munchkins: (singing) Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Follow the Yellow Brick Broad! Follow the, Follow the, Follow the, Follow the Yellow Brick Road!
Dorothy: OMG, get me out of here! They’re annoying the shit out of me!
Munchkins: (singing) You're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. We hear they’re testing the Wizard’s whiz, Whenever his whiz is whoz! If ever, oh ever, his whiz is buzzed, The Wizard of Oz will be busted because, Because, because, because, because, because... Of the positive whiz he whoz! You're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
Dorothy: Is that really a word -- whoz?
Dorothy and Toto dance off down the Yellow Brick Road and on to meet… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scene III - The Scarecrow
Dorothy and Toto come to a fork in the Yellow Brick Road, near a cornfield in which hangs a scarecrow. You remember the scene, that's enough description ...
Dorothy: Now which way do we go? Damn Mapquest!
Scarecrow: Pardon me. (pointing) That way is a very nice way.
Dorothy: (to Toto) Who said that?
Scarecrow: It's pleasant down that way too. (pointing) Of course, people do go both ways. Wait a minute, don’t take that wrong!
Dorothy: A talking scarecrow!
Scarecrow: Yes I am, but I can’t be much help on directions --- though more than Mapquest of course --- because I haven’t got a brain! Only straw.
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they? Ever watch Fox News?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.
Scarecrow: Without a brain, I can't even scare a crow! They come from miles around just to eat my fields and laugh in my face. Even Russell Crowe, Sheryl Crow, and Counting Crows!
Dorothy: That’s terrible! Umm, could you get me any autographs?
Scarecrow:Dorothy, focus on the script, okay? Now, let’s start again! …. Oh, I'm a failure, because I haven't got a brain!
Dorothy: Well, what would you do with a brain if you had one? (Killjoy!)
Scarecrow: Why, if I had a brain I could...
(singing) I could while away the hours, discuss Camus & Fawlty Towers, And never be found lame! And I’d be so effectual, as a phony intellectual, If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le, With status or a big name!
Dorothy: (singing) With the thoughts you'll be thinkin' Oh, the hot babes you’d be dinkin'! If you only had a brain.
Scarecrow: (singing) Oh, I could tell you why, I’m a pompous strutting bore! Faking insights like you never heard before, A bon vivant of highest Haute Culture.
I would write a hack best seller, Sell more copies than Old Yeller. The New York Times will sing my fame. I would drink and be merry, Life would be a What-me-Worry, If I only had a brain.
Dorothy: That was wonderful! Say, can I go to swank parties with you, hang out with Jessica Simpson, and guzzle gin ‘til I pass out?
Scarecrow: I could get you on the A-list faster than Charlie Sheen can trash a hotel room! But …. I don’t have a brain.
Dorothy: I’m going to see the Wizard of Oz to get myself back to Kansas. Why don’t you come along with me? I’ll bet he could give you a brain.
Scarecrow: What if he won’t give me one when we get there?
Dorothy: Nah, he’s a big stoner. He’ll be easy.
Scarecrow: Then, to Oz?
Dorothy: No, to Havertown PA, genius! Of course, to Oz! Boy, you do need a brain!
Dorothy and Scarecrow: (singing) We’re off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. We hear they’re testing the Wizard’s whiz, Whenever his whiz is whoz! Oh, we’re off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Scarecrow: Dorothy, is that really a word --- whoz?
Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and Toto dance off down the Yellow Brick Road and on to meet …. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Scene IV - The Tin Man
Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and Toto are walking down the Yellow Brick Road when Dorothy stops and reaches to pick an apple from an apple tree. Unexpectedly, the tree grabs the apple back and slaps her hand.
Apple Tree: What’d’ ya think you’re doing? I’ve heard of tree hugging, but you better at least buy me dinner before taking liberties like that!
Dorothy: We’ve been walking a long ways and I was hungry and ... did you say something?
Apple Tree: (sarcastic) She was hungry! Don’t grab my apples, girly, unless you’re ready to make a serious commitment!
Dorothy: Oh dear! I keep forgetting I’m not in Kansas!
Scarecrow: (whispering) Here Dorothy, I’ll show you how to get apples! (to the Apple Tree) You know Roy Halladay just won the NL Cy Young, and you don’t even have a decent change up!
Apple Tree: Are you trying to say I couldn’t get Ryan Howard to look at a third strike in the ninth inning of the final game of the NLCS?
Scarecrow: No, I’m trying to say you couldn’t locate the strike zone on Brad Garrett!
Apple Tree: Oh yeah! I’ve got a great fast ball and slider, and I’m not a bad hitter either!
The Apple Tree begins throwing a varied assortment of apple pitches at Dorothy and the Scarecrow which they quickly collect. One fastapple --- clocked at 92 mph --- sails into the forest and when Dorothy goes to retrieve it she finds….
Dorothy: Why, it’s a man! A man made out of tin! Hmmm, I wonder if he …. (to audience) Hey, you’re going to judge me? The only other guy I’ve got here is made of straw!
Tin Man: (almost inaudibly) Oil can! Oil can!
Dorothy: Oil can? That means lubrication! Now, we’re talking! (to audience) Again, folks, walk a mile down the Yellow Brick Road in my shoes, then see what you think!
Scarecrow: Here’s the oil can, Dorothy! Hey, don’t yank that out of my hand so fast! And squirt it all over his body, not just his ….. Dorothy!
Tin Man: (coming to life) Oh, thank you, thank you! At last I can put down my.....hey, watch it, young lady! Y'know, the apple tree warned me about you!
Dorothy: Sorry. How'd you get this way?
Tin Man: About a year ago, I was chopping down a tree --- it's sort of an initiation they put you through when you join the Republican Party --- when it began to rain and I rusted solid.
Dorothy: Well, you’re perfect now…. At least, I’m hoping so.
Tin Man: Perfect? Bang on my chest! Go ahead, bang on it.
Scarecrow: Huh, it sounds just like banging on Levi Johnston’s head.
Tin Man: The tinsmith forgot to give me a heart. And that’s not all, he also forgot ….
Dorothy: Not exactly what I wanted to hear!
Tin Man: Let me tell you about it.
(singing) When a man’s an empty kettle, And he can’t be sentimental, Romcoms just make me fart. I can’t watch a simple chick flick, It's no better than borsch belt shtick, If I only had a heart.
I’d be tender, I’d be gentle I could sit through all of Yentl, And memorize every part, But I’m left playing with my rattle, While you watch Sleepless in Seattle If I only had a heart.
Picture me in the theatre balcony, Wathing a sappy romantic show.
Sweet Girl Voice: A reg'lar 12-plex Romeo!
Tin Man: (singing) I hear a beat. SWEET!Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion And dig Nora Ephron’s art. You would never see me tarry While watching When Harry Met Sally,If I only had a heart.
Dorothy: Tin Man, Scarecrow and I are going to see the Wizard of Oz and you should come too. Bet he could give you a heart. And you could share tolls.
Suddenly the Wicked Witch appears with a cackle on the rooftop of a nearby cabin! This appearance of the Wicked Witch is brought to you by Valvoline.
Wicked Witch: Helping the little lady along are you, my fine gentlemen? Here Scarecrow, want to play ball?
Scarecrow: No, thanks, I just got my fill catching warm-up for the Apple Tree! I'll toss around a frisbee....
The Witch hurls a ball of fire at the Scarecrow, setting him aflame!
Scarecrow: Sorry, Witch, this is a smoke-free forest! (to Tin Man & Dorothy) You guys wouldn't want to step in here, would you?
The Tin Man beats out the flames and the Witch vanishes, cackling away! Thank you, Valvoline!
Scarecrow: I'm not afraid of her! (to Dorothy) I'll see you get safely to the Wizard now, whether I get a brain or not. Uhh, there will be a nominal charge.
Tin Man: (to Dorothy) I'll see you reach the Wizard, whether I get a heart or not. Err, she cooks for us, right Scarecrow?
Dorothy: Oh, you're the best friends anybody ever had. And it's funny, but I feel as if I'd known you all the time, but I couldn't have, could I?
Scarecrow: (to audience) What is this called? Post Shadowing?
Tin Man: (to audience) It isn't Foreshadowing, we left that back in Kansas. Any English majors out there?
Dorothy: I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?
Tin Man: That's right, we do. To Oz?
Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man:(singing) Oh, we're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
We hear they're testing the Wizard's whiz,
Whenever his whiz is whoz!
We're off to see the Wizard!
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
Tin Man: BTW, that's the stupidest word I've ever heard --- whoz! And it's not that funny either! End of Part I ofFlying Monkeys in the Mist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next in Part II: The Cowardly Lion, Emerald City, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz himself, the Wicked Witch’s Castle, and of course, those Fabulous Flying Monkeys!~~~~
FLY! FLY! FLY! (Oh, alright, here's money for ice cream.)
Written and directed by Perry Block
The First Ever Wholly Unauthorized Re-make
of The Wizard of Oz!
The Story Thus Far: We’re up to the part where Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man are about to meet the Cowardly Lion. We’ll take it from there.
Note: This is a very long post. Read it with someone you love; you won’t even like them by the time it’s over!
Scene 5 - The Cowardly Lion
As they travel down the Yellow Brick Road, Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man enter a dense and foreboding forest. There is an alternate route to Emerald City but it’s lights all the way.
Dorothy: I don't like this forest. It's dark and creepy...
Scarecrow: If only it were just dark. Or just creepy. It’s the synergistic nature of the two that scares the crap out of me!
Dorothy: Do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals? Like Jack Black?
Tin Man: Mmm, we might.
Scarecrow: Animals that eat straw?
Tin Man: (nonchalantly) Uh, some. Probably the same that eat at Olive Garden. But mostly lions and tigers and bears.
Scarecrow: And tigers?
Dorothy: Oh! Lions and Tigers and Bears. Oh my!
Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tin Man: Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! Lions and...
Dorothy: Hey, that new advertising jingle for the Philadelphia Zoo is really catchy! Let’s do another commercial!
Tin Man: Yeah, let’s do one of the Geico lizard ones!
Scarecrow: Oh, I am so damn sick of him. But we could try….
Suddenly a ferocious-looking Lion leaps out towards them!
Lion:Rrowrrrr!!! Put 'em up, put 'emuuuuuup!
Scarecrow: Talk about inducing performance anxiety!
Lion: Which one of you first? I'll fight ya both together if you want. I'll fight ya with one paw tied behind my back. I'll fight ya with both paws tied behind my back suspended from a rope attached to the top of the Flatiron building in New York. Although I expect a piece of the gate if we do that!
Tin Man: (shivering) Go away and leave us alone!
Lion: Scared, huh? Afraid, huh? How long can you stay fresh in that can? Ha-ha-ha-ha. (to the Scarecrow) Put your hands up, ya lopsided bag of hay!
Scarecrow: (quaking) Now watch the ethnic stereotypes, Lion!
Lion: (turning to Toto) I'll get you anyway, pee wee! And just like with the other Pee Wee, I don’t mean "get you" as in pick you up so we can sit in the movies together!
The Lion runs after Toto, while Dorothy shouts to Toto to “go long!” After the Lion manages to deflect Dorothy’s pass, Dorothy steps between the Lion and Toto and slaps the Lion on the nose.
Dorothy: Shame on you! And on that other Pee Wee too!
Lion (sobbing): What did you do that for? I didn't bite him.
Dorothy: No, but you tried to!
Lion: Well, you didn't have to go and hit me! Truth is I’d be lucky if I could even take him. You see, I’m Jewish! Is my nose bleedin’? And no nose jokes please!
Dorothy: My goodness! What a fuss you're making! Stop whining and complaining! Boy you are Jewish, aren’t you? (pause) Why, you’re nothing but a great big coward!
Lion (still slobbering): You're right. I am a coward. I haven't any courage at all. Look at the circles under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks.
Tin Man: Why don't you try counting sheep?
Lion: That doesn't do any good. That puts me in the mood for something else ……
Tin Man: Okay, I got it, I got it!
Dorothy: Well, we’re on our way to see the Wizard of Oz with a shopping list of things we want. I’m sure we could add 'courage' to the list, although we don’t have a coupon for it.
Lion: Well, wouldn't you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly lion? I would.
Scarecrow: Dude, I used to hang with Bruce Vilanche.
Lion: My life has been simply unbearable. Let me tell you about it:
But I could show my moxie, nail some chicks who’re awfully foxy, If I only had da guts.
I'm afraid not just implyin’,
I'm a wuss there’s no denyin’,
My fate to be a klutz. I'd be brave as Mel Gibson
Tin Man: I'd be gentle as Marge Simpson.
Scarecrow: I'd be clever as Henrik Ibsen
Dorothy: If the Wizard is a wizard who’s not a putz,
Scarecrow: Then I'm sure to get a brain.
Tin Man: A heart.
Dorothy: A home.
Lion: Da guts!
All Four: (singing)
Oh, we’re off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. We hear they’re testing the Wizard’s whiz, Whenever his whiz is whoz! Oh, we’re off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Lion: Dat’s a funny word ----whoz! Is that Yiddish?
Scene 6 – The Suburbs of Emerald City
High up in her castle, the Wicked Witch and Nikko (Captain of the Winged Monkeys) are cautiously optimistic as they view the four friends' progress toward Emerald City in the Witch’s crystal ball.
Witch: (stirring her cauldron brew) Now, something with poi-son in it, but attractive to the eye and soothing to the smell. Damn, If I’d just shut up about poison, I could have been the next Giada de Laurentis on Food Network! But poppies will put them to sleep. Sle-e-e-p. Now they'll sle-e-e-p.
Wicked Witch: What’s that, Nikko? Why not just have them watch Tracy Morgan: Black and Blue on HBO? Nikko, I’m not that cruel!
Meanwhile, Dorothy and the others approach Emerald City.
Dorothy: (gazing ahead) There's Emerald City. Oh, we're almost there at last! It's beautiful, isn't it? Well, maybe not beautiful, but above average with a great personality!
Tin Man: (motioning) Come on, come on. Let’s hurry! All that singing about whizzing has made me ….
Lion: Yeah, me too! I’m anxious to mark off territory!
Dorothy: (becoming sleepy) I can't run anymore. Just a quick power nap, OK, guys?
Lion: Come to think of it, 40 winks wouldn't be bad. And how ‘bout setting the snooze alarm for a total of 45 winks?
Scarecrow: This is a spell, this is. Help! Help! I mean, help from a good script doctor! Help! Carrie Fisher! Carrie Fisher!
A giant, superimposed image of Glinda appears, Carrie Fisher apparently away talking about her parents again. Glinda is shot through a gauze to conceal her advancing age, just as they regularly do at ABC for Barbara Walters. Although the effect works, Glinda resembles an enormous impressionist painting. Glinda waves her wand and a light snow begins falling.
Scarecrow: Snow! Maybe that will help. Maybe we’ll even get a snow day!
Tin Man: Yes, and typically, not predicted by a single one of the local weathercasters!!
Witch: Curses, curses! Somebody always helps that girl. What’ll they do next? Give her a telethon?
The four link arms again and happily skip towards Emerald City, arriving at the City’s huge gate and ringing the bell.
Gateman: (sticking head out of porthole) Who rang that bell? Can’t you read the sign? “BELL OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE KNOCK."
Scarecrow: Dude, in a word --- lame! Now, open up, we want to see the Wizard!
Gateman: The Wizard? But nobody can see the great Oz. There’s that pungent aroma ..... he wants to keep a lid on it. A lid! That’s funny! Ha-ha-ha!
Scarecrow: This is great, come all this way, we got Tommy Chong at the door!
Dorothy: But I was sent by the Good Witch of the North. See, I’m wearing the ruby slippers! And if you want, I can (whispering) even tell you how old Glinda is in dog years!
Gateman: Well, bust my buttons! That's a horse of a different color! Dorothy Gale, come on down!
Scene 7 - Emerald City
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, and Toto enter into the hustling, bustling, colorful wonderland of Emerald City, Capital of the Land of Oz! Clearly no recession here...
Coachman: (pulling up in a horse-drawn carriage) Hello, folks! Why don’t I take you somewhere to freshen and tidy up?
Dorothy: (to the Coachman) What kind of a horse is that? I've never seen a horse change color like that before!
Coachman: Why, he's the horse of a different color you've heard tell about. No matter what color he is at any given moment, there’s always someone who hates him!
The carriage takes the four to an Oz spa, where each one of them receives the deluxe treatment you and I will only ever get if somebody gives us a gift card. Everybody sings:
Ha ha ha, Ho ho ho
And a couple of tra la las
One guess what those words are code for
In the merry old land of Oz
Masseurs working on Scarecrow:
Pat, pat here, Pat, pat there,
And a couple of brand new straws.
Ev’rything but a happy end-ing!
In the merry old land of Oz.
Mechanics working on Tin Man:
Rub, rub here, Rub, rub there,
Whether you're tin or bronze.
(looking under sheet) Gee, seems like there’s no there there!
In the merry old land of Oz.
Woman working on Dorothy:
We can make a dimple smile out of a frown!
Dorothy:Can you even supply me ups as well as downs?
Dorothy:Jolly old town!
Groomers working on Lion:
Clip, clip here, Clip, clip there,
We clip the roughest claws.
Lion: That certain air of blown-dry mane hair
In the merry old Land of Oz.
All: With a ha ha ha, ha ha ha,
ha ha ha, Ha ha ha, ho ho hoh, ha ha ha .....
Suddenly, the Wicked Witch rockets across the sky on her broomstick, writing the words "SURRENDER DOROTHY." BTW, her broomsmanship stinks!
Townspeople: Surrender Dorothy? The Wizard will explain it! Or at least give us cites to original source material so we can research it ourselves.
Wizard’s Guard at the Gate: (to townspeople) Everything is all right. The Great and Powerful Oz has got matters well in hand. (aside) The only thing that pot-head has in hand is..... Well, I’m not going there!
As the townspeople recede, the four approach the gate. Dorothy: Sir, we’ve come to see the Wizard.
Guard: Orders are nobody can see the Great Oz. NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW! Well, maybe Julian Assange - he already knows everything anyway.
Scarecrow: But she's Dorothy!
Guard: The Witch's Dorothy? Uhh, you got a note from the witch to that effect? Just wait here.
Lion: (optimistic) In no time I’ll have my courage, and I’ll finally be the King!
Tin Man: Yes, the King of Beasts!
Lion: What are you talking about? No, the one true king .... Larry King!
With a woof, great modulation, and a raspy growl. As I'd click my heel, all the guests would kneel.
And the bullsh*tters bow and sponsors kowtow!
And Piers Morgan would take wing. If I - If I - were King!
Each anchor babe would show respect to me. My seven brides would genuflect to me. Though my tongue would lash, I would show compash Where appropriate for each interview-ling!
If I - If I - were King! Just King!
Dorothy: If you were King, you wouldn't be afraid of interviewing anyone?
Lion: Not nobody, not no how!
Tin Man: Not even the great Bob Costas?
Dorothy: How about the late comedian Danny Thomas?
Lion: Why I'd question him from top to bottom-us!
Dorothy: Supposin' you had on Allison Krauss and Robert Plant?
Lion: I'd wrap their spots up in cellophant!
Scarecrow: What if it were high-powered sports agent Scott Boras?
Lion: I'd show him who's King of the TV Forest!
What makes Larry King the one networks crave?
Courage! What makes the flag on his mast still wave (so to speak)?
Courage! What makes Fleetwood Mac for Larry sing “Tusk” in the misty mist or the dusky dusk? What makes this meeskite emit such sweet, sweet musk?
Courage! What makes a man old as the Sphinx, the Seventh Wonder? Courage! What makes women named Dawn feel his thunder? Courage! What makes this alte cocker so hot? What puts the flying ape in ape-ricot? What has Larry King got that I ain't got?
Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man: Courage! Women! Money! And he might even be a little younger!
Lion: You can say that again!
Palace Guard: (returns to gate) The Wizard says “Go away.'" I think it’s his day to whiz in the cup!
Dorothy: (crying) Now I’ll never get home. Oh, Auntie Em was so good to me. Always loaning me whatever I needed, with only Toto as collateral!
Palace Guard: (choking up) Please don't cry anymore. I had an Auntie Em myself once, soaked her for thousands too! I’ll get you in to the Wizard somehow.
He opens the doors to the palace and the four slowly march down the long hallway toward the inner sanctum of the Wizard! Excited now?
Lion: Wait minute, fellas. I was just thinkin'. I really don't want to see the Wizard this much. Maybe there’s something like a “training wizard” I could see. Or a wizard expressly for insecure members of the Jewish faith?
Dorothy: C’mon, Lion!
Lion:AHHHHH!!!!! Scarecrow: What happened?
Lion: Somebody pulled my tail!
Scarecrow: You did it yourself! Oh no, sorry, I’m wrong. It was Jack Nicholson from The Shining! My bad!
Just then, the doors to the Wizard’s inner sanctum open!
Wizard: (Booming) Come Forward!!! Advance five spaces, do not skip a turn, and roll again!
A huge disembodied head appears before them, bathed in fire and brimstone, hovering above a giant throne! This is turning into no walk down the Yellow Brick Road in the park!
Tin Man: OMG, that’s the most bizarre thing I’ve seen since Joaquin Phoenix’ first appearance on Letterman!
Wizard: Knock off the chatter! I AM OZ!!! The Great and Powerful! And also a notary, serving all your documentary needs. Who are you?
Dorothy: (stepping forward) I am Dorothy, the small and meek. You’re also a notary? That’s interesting because back in Kansas ...
Wizard: Silence! The Great and Powerful Oz knows why you are here! And for this much work, he would have preferred an appointment!
All shake their heads understandingly.
Wizard: Step Forward, Tin Man! You dare to come to me for a heart, you clinking, clanking, clattering collection of Classic Moments of the Dean Martin Comedy Roasts, never before available and not available in stores!
Tin Man: (stepping forward) Yes, sir, yes, sir. You see, a while back, we were walking down the Yellow Brick Road, and....
Wizard: Quiet! Geez, are you boring! Maybe you’d like to write a novel, be the next Joseph Conrad?
Tin Man: (retreats backward) Whoa, now that’s boring!
Wizard: And you, Scarecrow, have the effrontery --- not to mention the ebackery --- to ask for a brain. You fugitive from a whisk broom factory!
Scarecrow: Yes, your honor! I mean, your Excellency! I mean, your Wizardry. I mean, your King of all Media!
Wizard: Stern fan too? Now you’re getting with the program! And you, Lion?
The Lion faints dead away.
Dorothy: (to Wizard): You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Picking him last in the group! He was probably always picked last in gym class and you just made it worse!
Wizard: Silence, whipper-snapper! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests! But first you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West!
Scarecrow: Mr. Wizard, sir? Not to appear ungrateful, but don’t you have anything that involves maybe directing traffic, lunch room monitoring, something like that?
Wizard: No! Now go! I want to eat my afternoon 80 pound bag of Reese’s Pieces in peace! Say that fast five times!
In terror, the Lion runs back down the hallway and jumps through a window, shattering the glass.
Wizard: Oh and when you come back with the broom, guys? Sweep up that broken glass from the damn Lion jumping through my window!
Scene 8 - The Witch’s Castle
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, and Toto are making their way through the creepy eerie Haunted Forest towards the Castle where the Wicked Witch lives. Trust me; even though there is a Hampton Inn with an indoor pool, you don’t want to book a weekend here.....
Tin Man: (pointing) What does that sign say? Lion: "Witch’s Castle -- 1 mile. I'd Turn Back If I Were You." Scarecrow: A large site area map with a “you are here” arrow would have been much more helpful! (sarcastic) Hah! Our tax dollars at work!
Suddenly Tin Man is lifted high into the air and dropped to the ground with a clatter!
Tin Man: Cool! Y‘know, that’s probably as close as I’ll ever get to being the groom at a Jewish wedding!
Lion: I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks! I also believe that children are the future, I believe when I fall in love it will be forever, and I believe in magic in a young girl’s eyes, but mostly I do believe in spooks!
Meanwhile, back at the Witch’s Castle, more or less adjacent to the Hampton Inn…
Witch: (to Nikko) Take your army to the Haunted Forest and bring me that girl and her dog! Do what you want with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed. No, I don’t care that you’re an endangered species, who do you think I am --- the Oz version of Dian Fossey? Now fly – Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly!
Nikko looks at the Wicked Witch.
Witch: Oh, all right, here’s $17,000 for ice cream!
The winged monkeys fill the sky and soon swoop down upon the four friends. They snatch Dorothy and Toto and carry them off to the Witch’s Castle, tear apart Scarecrow, pummel Lion, and read the poem “Trees” by Joyce Kilmer to Tin Man in a very cautionary manner. As they withdraw ….
Scarecrow: (to Lion and Tin Man) It was awful! They tore my legs off and they threw them over there. Then they took my chest out and they threw it over there.
Tin Man: Well, that's you all over.
Lion: Such a stale old joke and it still works every time. Go Figure!
Meanwhile at the Witch’s Castle...
Witch: (snatching up Toto) What a nice little dog! Yes, you are a cutie-wootie,you are! And you, my dear, it's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness.
Dorothy: Well, I would have brought you an Entenmanns, but they were all out of the Wart Hair-Flavored Bundt Cake. Now give me back my dog!
Witch: All in good time, my little pretty. Besides, he’s a real doll baby! First give me those slippers!
Dorothy: You can have your old slippers; they’re giving me bunions anyway.
The Witch attempts to take the slippers off Dorothy but as before, is zapped by what appears like a huge electrical shock.
Dorothy: What caused that? Another over-rated Twitter feed? One more over-hyped unfunny HBO special?
Witch: No, that actually was an electric shock! Ouch!!!
Dorothy: Shame. Okay, now fork over Toto and we’ll be going...
Witch: No, I’ve already changed his last name to “of the West” and am setting up a 529 Plan for college tomorrow. But fool that I am, those slippers will never come off as long as you're alive! But that's not what's worrying me, it's how to do it.
While Dorothy and the Witch discuss alternate ways to turn Dorothy into human guacamole dip so the Witch can secure the slippers, Toto escapes.
Dorothy: He got away! He got away! (Witch gives her a look.) What’s that for? Toto’s my dog; you’re trying to kill me! What do I look like - Switzerland?
Witch: Well, no matter. I would never have been able to get up early enough to walk him anyway. Here! (holds up a large hourglass timer) That's how much longer you've got to be alive, my pretty. Oh, BTW, when its half way down would you call me? I’ve got a cake in the oven, because you were rude enough to come without bringing me an Entenmann’s!
Dorothy: I'm frightened, Auntie Em. I'm frightened. Why, Auntie Em, there you are in the crystal ball!
Auntie Em: Dorothy...where are you? Please, it's Auntie Em, we're trying to find you. I need that 45 bucks right away, or I’m foreclosing on Toto!
Meanwhile, Toto runs through the forest and finds Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion and barks at them so loudly and shrilly you begin to sympathize with Miss Gulch.
Scarecrow: Why, don't you see? He's come to take us to Doro-thy.
Tin Man: You know that kind of rhymed, very lovely. Did you ad lib that or was it in the script?
Scarecrow: (modestly) Ad libbed.
Tin Man: Ray Bolger, you do have rhythm!
Following Toto, the three travel through the forest, climb up the side of a mountain, and finally arrive at a rocky mountaintop ... good ole Rocky Top, Rocky Top Tennessee, that’s Rocky Top Tennessee!
Lion: (gazing down at the Witch’s Castle) Who’s them? Who’s them?
Guards of the Witch’s Castle: O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum! O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum!
Scarecrow: What does that mean? “O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum! O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum?” Ever since we first made this movie, I don’t know what “O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum! O-Lee-Oh, Le-Oh-Lum!” means.
Tin Man: Beats me.
Lion: (to audience) Anybody know? Operators are standing by.
Tin Man: (looking at Castle) Gee, I hate to think about Dorothy in a place like that. Although better her than me!
Scarecrow: I’ve got a plan! (to Lion) And you’re going to lead us!
Lion: Alright, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch. Guards or no guards, I'll tear 'em apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm goin' in there. There's only one thing I want you fellas to do ....... I want ½ share of the gross of the picture designated for the three of us. That means I get ½, you each get ¼. Final offer!
Tin Man: Well, what do you think, Scarecrow?
Scarecrow: Why not? He’ll probably get killed in the fighting anyway!
You know what happens next, and frankly I’m getting sick of describing to you things you’ve known about since you were four! Clad in the uniforms of the three guards they’ve subdued, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion enter the Castle and are led by Toto to the room where Dorothy is imprisoned. Tin Man chops down the door and he-e-e-e-re’s Dorothy!
Dorothy: Oh, thank goodness it’s you! I thought it might be Auntie Em, looking for her 45 bucks!
Dorothy hugs each one of the three, grinding a bit more into Scarecrow than the others. Then the three race down the stairs of the Castle only to find the front door closing in front of them as if they were members of the Jehovah’s Witnesses whom the Witch saw coming all the way.
Witch: (with Nikko and Guards in tow) Going so soon? Why, my little party's just beginning. Sorry, it’s a cash bar.
Noticing that a huge chandelier overhead is suspended by rope, Scarecrow uses Tin Man’s axe to cut the rope and bring the chandelier crashing on the heads of the guards but also sadly killing one Erik Claudin, who at the time was stealthily lurking above the chandelier in an opera cape.
Witch: (to the guards) Half of you go this way, half of you go that way, half of you come with me. Damn it, I have the worst math skills of any wicked witch I know!
After a merry fun-filled chase, our wacky heroes are cornered at the top of the Castle.
Witch: WELL, ha ha ha ha! I have you now! The last to go will see the first three go before her … ah, that’s better math! How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
Scarecrow: No thanks. I suppose some like it hot, but I prefer …….Yeoww!! That’s hot all right!
In desperation Dorothy throws a bucket of water at Scarecrow. However, since she throws like a girl, most of the water hits the Witch and…
Witch: Ohhh! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! What a world! What a world! (Singing, parodying Louis Armstrong) And I think to myself, what a wonderful world! Oh, I see seas of green.... Oh yes, I think to myself .....
All Four: (hands over ears) All right, all right, melt already!
Witch: Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness! And any chance to star in the remake of Wicked! Ohhh – Ohhhh!
Captain of the Guard: (to Dorothy) You killed her!
Dorothy: I didn't mean to, but she she got me so POed!
Captain: Oh that’s all right. She wears on you after a while anyway.
Scene 9 -The Wizard of Oz
Again, the four enter the inner sanctum of the Wizard of Oz.
Wizard: Oh, you liquidated her, eh? Hope you got at least 70 cents on the dollar, the economy’s a little better here than where you come from.
Dorothy: Please sir, we've done what you asked and brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. Now could you please hurry up and do us? We’ve got theatre tickets and lunch at Sardi’s.
Wizard: Not so fast. NOT SO FAST! I’ve got a heavy day, meetings with auditors, and an Excedrin headache. Go away and come back tomorrow!
Meanwhile Toto runs forward and pulls away a green curtain that covers a booth in which a white-haired man is furiously pulling levers and switches while simultaneously puffing on a joint the size of Rhode Island.
Wizard: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! OMG, he’s doing drugs! I’m shocked, shocked to find pot-smoking going on here! (Wow, that's some yummy looking reefer!)
Dorothy: (pulling aside the curtain) Who are you?
Wizard: (stuttering) I, I, I am the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz….
Dorothy: Why, you’re just a man --- nothing more and nothing less.
Wizard: Yes, you’re right. Though I resent that comment about “nothing less.”
Dorothy: Oh, great! After all this, we get Milton Berle for a wizard. You're a very bad man!
Wizard: No, no, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very stoned-out wizard! But Dorothy, I can handle all your problems. Just watch Mr. Wizard! (The only thing I can't do is explain that joke to non-Boomers.)
Wizard: (To Scarecrow): Scarecrow, your problem is a real no-brainer - as it were! You’re smarter than just about anybody who’s ever lived on the planet! You don’t need a diploma; you need to stop hanging with these guys. Here’s a letter of introduction to a major multinational oil corporation.
Scarecrow: (reading) I hereby wish to recommend Scarecrow…. (puts hand to temple) Wow! Astronomical Salary, Big Time Bonus, Stock Options, Deferred Compensation Plan! Look at all those zeroes! Joy! Rapture! Now, I’ve really got a brain!
Wizard: Lion, your problem is that you’re a victim of disordered thinking. You’re under the impression that because you’re a lion, you have to be a courageous risk taker. You don’t need a medal; you need a government job. Here, take this pocket protector; use it wisely!
Lion: (excited) Shucks, folks, I'm speechless. I’m a G-man now, ain’t it the truth?
Wizard: And you, Tin Man, forget the testimonials. You want to get in touch with your feminine side? Here’s the DVD of one of the great chick flick weepers of all times: An Affair to Remember. Watch it six or seven times in a row, but please skip over the idiotic scene with the children’s choir.
Tin Man: Cary Grant! Deborah Kerr! I can feel my heart beating already!
Wizard: And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you can be taken advantage of by others.
Dorothy: This is all wonderful, but I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
Wizard: You force me into a cataclysmic decision, my dear! Y’see, I’m an old Kansas man myself, and I’m going to personally take you back home in a huge air-filled balloon. Now let’s go hit that reservation at Sardi’s, I’m famished!
Dorothy: Know what, Wizard? For a guy who reminds me of the Ted Danson character in Bored to Death, you done good!
Next Day, Emerald City Square is filled with well-wishers as Dorothy and the Wizard prepare to depart.
Wizard: In my upcoming absence, my friends, I’m leaving in charge the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion. Please keep an eye on all three: The Scarecrow’s shortly going to be working for BP, the Tin Man is a touchy-feely Republican and a real Tea Party risk, and the Lion works for the Federal Government.
At the moment the balloon begins to lift off, Toto takes off after a Siamese cat with Dorothy in hot pursuit ....
Dorothy: Come back! Come back! Don't leave without me!
Wizard: I can't come back! I don't know how this thing works, and I’m too wrecked to figure it out! Good-bye folks!
Dorothy: Now I’ll never get home to Kansas, will I Scarecrow? Uh, think you can find me something at BP?
Scarecrow: Well, Dorothy, there’s, um, kind of a hiring freeze! (changing the subject) Look, here's someone who can help you.
Glinda appears, again looking like a painting by Camille Pizzaro.
Glinda: (to Dorothy) You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas, though why you’d want to...... You just had to learn it for yourself.
Scarecrow: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I think that it if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Although I might check out Vegas a time or two!
Glinda: That’s all it is! Especially the Vegas part. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy: And Toto too?
Glinda: Toto too. He may have to ride in baggage.
Dorothy: It's hard to say goodbye. I love you all too. (to Tin Man) Now don’t cry and rust. Valvoline's expensive as hell.
Tin Man: Now I know I've got a heart because I really wanted to watch the stupid Deborah Kerr movie with you.
Dorothy: (to Lion) I know it isn’t right, Lion, but I’'m gonna miss the way you used to holler for help before you found your federal job.
Lion: I would never be working 9:00 to 4:30 if it hadn't been for you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: (to Scarecrow) I think I'll miss you most of all.
Scarecrow: See, guys, told you I know how to handle the Midwestern babes! Dorothy: I’m ready now.
Glinda: Then close your eyes and tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, 'There's no place like home. Auntie Em does my laundry, I usually get my way, Uncle Henry always has the best dope!'
Dorothy: There’s no place like home! Auntie Em does my laundry, I usually get my way, Uncle Henry always has the best dope! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
Everyone --- Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Hickory, Hunk, Zeke, and Professor Marvel --- all beam radiantly as they lean in affectionately towards their darling little girl, home at last, home to stay. Dorothy: Oh, and Auntie Em ....... get me my damn dinner! THE END ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Yes, Ilsa, we'll always have Paris. And there'll be rude waiters for us wherever we go."
Directed by Perry Block
This highly “watered-down” version of Casablanca was taken from the original tweeted version ofCasablanca I experimented with several months ago on my Twitter site. Y’know, the experiment which has since been come to be known as my own personal Gigli.
Here I have “de-tweeted” the tweets and turned Return to Casablanca --- But Not for the Waters into cinematic form. I’ve also added some extra dialogue and stage directions here and there, ostensibly to bridge originally disjointed tweets. So if you see some phrases or brief sequences clearly not from the actual movie or a bit out of order, please don’t get all hot and bothered that I’m not a Casablanca “purist!”
Hey, I live vicariously through this movie; you have a real life! So who’s the bigger Casablancafan?! Huh?! Huh?!
Please be advised that this post is pretty long. You may want to bring your lunch and/or be prepared for a rest stop somewhere between Scene VI and Scene VIII.
So now, settle back, forget about all the constructive things you should be doing, and Return to Casablanca --- But Not for the Waters!
Cast of Characters:
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) --- What can I say? Every guy on the planet wants to be either Bogey, Superman, or Bugs Bunny. In my case, all three! Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman) --- What can I say? I’ve seen the lady.
Inspector Louis Renault (Claude Rains) --- The quintessential oily opportunist who becomes a hero, as portrayed by one of the greatest character actors of all time!
Victor Lazlo (Paul Henreid) --- No, not Hans Conreid, Boomers. Paul Henreid!
Ugarte (Peter Lorre) --- Always so cool, off-beat, and one-of-a-kind. Here in his young, thin, and out of the picture too quickly days.
Ferrari (Sydney Greenstreet) --- Corpulent, inscrutable, and also out of the picture too quickly. Want to have fun? Catch him in Three Strangers, also with Peter Lorre.
Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt) --- Further proof that aging sucks. Twenty -three years earlier he’s the young sleepwalking murderer in The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Here he’s alreadyNouveau Old!
Sam (Dooley Wilson): Probably the only sensible one in the bunch! ___________________________________________________
Land of mystery .... intrigue .... romance. I never been there, have you?
Upstairs at Rick’s Café Américain. Richard Blaine, owner of Rick’s and American ex-patriot, and Inspector Louis Renault, corrupt but cute as all get out, are conversing.
Louie: Rick, I've often speculated why you don't return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Run off with a senator’s wife? I like to think you killed a man, it’s the romantic in me.
Rick: Actually, Louie, it had more to do with ripping a label off the bottom of a mattress!
Louie: Why did you come to Casablanca?
Rick: I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Louie: What waters, we’re in the desert?
Rick: I was misinformed. That and I heard there was a great sale on Deer Park!
Louie: Last night, two German couriers were killed. They were carrying two Letters of Transit that were stolen. I tell you this because you should know that Victor Lazlo is in Casablanca.
Rick: Victor Lazlo?!
Louie: Rick, you seem impressed!
Rick: Victor Lazlo’s succeeded in impressing half of the world. Too bad it’s the same half that thinks Bob Saget is funny. But why would you think I would help Lazlo?
Louie: Because, Ricky, I suspect at heart you’re a rank sentimentalist! I’m familiar with your record. In 1935, you ran guns to Ethiopia. In 1936, you fought in Spain, on the Loyalist side.
Rick: I got well paid for it on both occasions.
Louie: The winning side would have paid you much better.
Rick: Now you tell me!
Louie: Rick, there are many exit visas sold in Rick’s Café Américain, but we know that you've never sold one. That is the reason we permit you to remain open.
Rick: Oh? I thought it was because I let you win at roulette.
Louie: You let me win? Uh-oh! I just mortgaged my house to get in on Ferrari’s Wide World of Roulette Sweepstakes!
Rick: So what are your political sentiments, Louie?
Louie: I have no convictions. I blow with the wind, and the prevailing wind happens to be from Vichy. Should the wind shift and start coming from Philadelphia, I’ll root for the Phillies. After all, they have Ryan Howard!
Rick: I see. So you think I might sell a Letter of Transit to Lazlo?
Louie: He’ll need two exit visas. He is traveling with a lady.
Rick: He'll take one.
Louie: I think not. I have seen the lady. Actually he’ll need …. three! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Rick: Louie, your sense of humor …. Well, you’re no Claude Rains!
Rick’s Café Américain later that evening. Stench of smoke and bourbon in the air, intrigue 'round every corner. (Actually I’m feeling kind of nauseous myself.) Rick is talking to Ugarte, who - like Inspector Renault - is kind of adorable in a sleazy, oily, disgusting way.
Ugarte: You despise me, don’t you, Rick?
Rick: If I paid you any mind, I probably would. Know what? I actually manage to despise you even without paying you any mind!
Ugarte: Rick, I hope you're more impressed with me now!
Rick: You're right, Ugarte. I am more impressed now that I know you played Center for Duke on the 2001 NCAA winning team! Ugarte: No, no, Rick! I’m talking about the dead German couriers, these two Letters of Transit.
Ugarte: I know many people in Casablanca, but somehow because you despise me, you are the only one I trust! Here, please hold these two Letters of Transit for me.
Rick: Yeah, swell, wonderful. Hey, ever meet Alan Iverson??? Police enter, looking for Ugarte.
Ugarte: Hide me, Rick, hide me!
Rick: Don’t be a fool, Ugarte! It’s my turn to hide and your turn to seek!
Ugarte is taken away and we hear a shot.
Concerned By-Stander: I hope when they come for me, Rick, you’ll be of more help!
Rick: I stick my neck out for nobody. Except Oprah!
Rick's,even later that same evening. Stench of smoke and bourbon still fill the air, intrigue still 'round every corner. (And I'm still feeling nauseous ... as if you even care!) Inspector Renault is introducing Rick to Major Strasser of the Third Reich.
Major Strasser: Ah, Mr. Richard Blaine. Cannot return to his home country.
Rick: Yes, Major Strasser, I have one lousy sense of direction. I'm so bad, I make MapQuest look reliable!
Major Strasser: Are you one of those people who cannot imagine the Germans in their beloved Paris?
Rick: It's not particularly my beloved Paris. I 'belove' Vegas, baby! What happens there stays there!
Major Strasser: Can you imagine us in New York?
Rick: Well, there are certain sections of New York I wouldn't advise you to try to invade. Those Yankees fans will eat you alive!
Rick leaves (a wee-wee?) and Victor Lazlo and Ilsa Lund enter.
Louie: (greeting them) Welcome to Casablanca, Mr. Lazlo! By the way, do you find Bob Sagetfunny?
Victor: That is a nice welcome, thank you, Inspector Renault! I have not seen this Bob Saget, but I have it on good authority from my friends in the Underground that he sucks.
Louie: And you, Miss Lund, I was informed that you were the most beautiful woman ever to visit Casablanca. That was a gross understatement! As opposed to my girlfriend, who's more of a gross statement!
Ilsa: You're very kind, Inspector Renault. Although the second part of your statement was very unkind. However, if that's your girlfriend at your table, it was also very accurate!
Ilsa spots Sam and approaches him.
Ilsa: Hello, Sam. It's been a long time.
Sam: Hello, Miss Ilsa. (to himself) Oh, crap! Not only is the Boss about to go psycho on us, it's gonna be that damn song again!
Ilsa: Play it, Sam. For old time's sake.
Sam: I can't remember it, Miss Ilsa. Yes, that's it. I can't remember it.
Ilsa: Play 'As Time Goes By.' I'll hum it for you.
Sam: Oh my God! Stop it, Miss Ilsa, your singing is bad enough, now you’re mixing in 'If I were a Rich Man!' Okay, I'll play it, I'LL PLAY IT!
Sam begins tentatively playing and singing 'As Time Goes By.'
Sam:"You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is still a sigh ...." Oh, Miss Ilsa, please! Compared to this, ABBA is like the Beatles!
Rick enters, incensed.
Rick: I thought I told you never to play it again, Sam! That putt is a gimmee. Pick it up Sam. You don't need to play it again!
Rick spots Ilsa and does a double-take. Actually it's more of a triple-take. Even if there isn't such a thing, if anybody could do it, it'd be Bogart!
Ilsa: Rick, I wasn't sure you were the same. Let's see, the last time we met ....
Rick: .... was La Belle Aurore! Sort of a cross between Olive Garden and Applebee's , only without the great food!
Ilsa: How nice, you remembered! But of course, that was the day the Germans marched into Paris.
Rick: I remember that day in every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue. I wore a little pink thing with ribbons --- I was very uspet about the Germans!
Victor Lazlo enters and Ilsa introduces him to Rick.
Rick: Mr. Lazlo, I congratulate you on your work.
Victor: Thank you. I try.
Rick: All of us try, you succeed! What is it --- the Cliff's Notes?
Victor: Yes, Monsieur Blaine, I always use Cliff's Notes.
Shortly, Victor and Ilsa leave Rick's.
Victor: Ilsa, I think this time the Nazis really mean to stop me!
Ilsa: What did you think they were trying to do before, Victor? Give you a five minute time out?
Hours later in Rick's, now closed and darkened. Only Rick and Sam remain. (Me, I'm still nauseous. In fact, I think I'm gonna be sick ....)
Rick: You played it for her, you can play it for me! Play it, Sam!
Sam: Oh, no, not again! Tell you what, Boss: I'll pay you 'Feelings' as sung by Mr. Glenn Campbell. "Feelings, nothing more than feelings ...."
Rick: No, no, Sam! Haven't I suffered enough?
Sam begins playing 'As Time Goes By' again.
Rick: Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. And she's a contractor too! Sam, let's get a quote to paint the place!
Sam has a long flashback about the happy days in which he fell in love with Ilsa in Paris. You and I should only have such flashbacks instead of the ones in which we're being yelled at by the ninth grade gym teacher for not being able to touch our toes!
Ilsa furtively enters Rick's. (Hope you know what furtive means. I have no clue.)
Ilsa: Rick, I have to talk to you!
Rick: Ilsa! Well, Sam, you can go!
Sam: If Miss Ilsa's going to sing again, Boss, you better believe I'm going!
Rick: Why did you have to come to Casablanca? There are other places. Havertown PA, for example. It has two --- count 'em --- two Wawa Convenience Stores!
Ilsa: Can I tell you a story, Rick?
Rick: I know a story too, one with a wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain whose insides had been kicked out! Even worse, after my insides were kicked out, they went wide of the goal posts and we lost by two points.
Ilsa: I know. I bet on your team too. But Rick, please let me tell you this story!
Rick: Okay. But first I want to jump in my jammies and grab Rupert Bear. Can you get me a drink of water? Deer Park?
Ilsa: It's about a girl who at the house of some friends met a man about whom she’d heard her whole life. A very great and courageous man. He opened up for her a whole beautiful world full of knowledge and thoughts and ideals. Everything she knew or ever became was because of him. And she looked up to him and worshiped him… with a feeling she supposed was love.
Rick: And then?
Ilsa: And then he got her drunk on Ripple, and the rest is history! Rick: Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Lazlo, or were there others in between? Or aren't you the kind that tells?
Ilsa: Oh, I'm the kind, Rick. Others in between. Ever hear of the Philadelphia Eagles?
Rick's, the next evening. Rick, sitting alone, is approached by an attractive young woman (Annina). Rick is about to show his benevolent side. Even if I had a benevolent side, I'm sure it would photograph just as badly as all my other sides!
Annina: Monsieur Rick, what kind of man is Inspector Renault?
Rick: Oh, he's just like any other man, only more so.
Annina: More so?!!!W-e-e-l-l-l, maybe this won't be so bad after all!
Rick: I beg your pardon, young lady?Annina: Oh, no, no, no, I was ... um ... kidding! What I meant to say is oh, Monsieur Rick, you are a man. If someone loved you so much your happiness was everything to her, but she did a bad thing, could you forgive her?
Rick: Nobody ever loved me that much! Well, there was that tattooed skank who's now boffingJesse James.
Annina: My husband is trying to make money for our exit visas by playing Scissors, Paper, Stone. Of course, he's losing. He's got a mean Paper, but he has trouble moving effectively to his left with Scissors.
Rick: You want my advice?
Annina: Oh yes, please.
Rick: Go back to Bulgaria!
Annina: We came from Detroit, Monsieur Rick.
Rick: I know. Bulgaria's nicer! Well, everybody in Casablanca has problems, yours may work out.
Annina: (a bit crestfallen) Thank you, Monsieur Rick.
Rick gets up and walks over to the Scissors, Paper, Stone table to where Annina's husband is sitting.
Rick: Buddy, have you tried Stone today?
Croupier: And the House puts out Scissors, the Monsieur wins with Stone!
Rick: Now put it all on Paper.
Croupier: And the House puts out Stone. The Monsieur wins again!
Rick: Cash those winnings and don't come back! On second thought, you can come back for our special 'Thursday All-You-Can-Eat Wings Night!"
Annina runs over to Rick.
Annina: Oh, Monsieur Rick, I don't know how to thank ....
Rick: Ahh, he's just a lucky guy! But he's GOT to work on moving effectively to his left withScissors!
Inspector Renault saunters over to Rick with a "naughty-naughty" look.
Louie:Just as I thought! A rank sentimentalist! I'll forgive you this time but I'll be in tomorrow night with a breathtaking blonde, and it'll make me very happy if she loses! So tomorrow night please:
Upstairs at Rick’s. Rick and Victor Lazlo are chewing the fat about, oh, any old thing.
Rick: Do you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.
Victor: Know how you sound, Monsieur Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart.
Rick: Well, if not in my heart -- which is my second favorite organ -- my first favorite organ believes it!
Victor: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.
Rick: Well, sounds like I’ll soon be sitting shiva with the world’s mishpocha then! Got the address? Should I pick up some cold cuts from Murray's for everyone?
Germanic music begins playing from the café, and Victor storms downstairs and addresses the band.
Victor: Play the 'La Marseilleise!' Play it!!! Oh, you don’t know it! Okay, 'Frere Jacques' will do!
Rick nods the OK and the band begins to play. Following the song, the entire café erupts in patriotic fervor! Ilsa looks fondly at Victor, just as you are probably looking not so fondly at me wondering when this damn parody will end!
Major Strasser: You see, Inspector Renault? If Lazlo’s presence here can cause such a disruption, can you imagine the damage from ‘Victor Lazlo, the Home Game?’ I order you to close Rick’s!
Louie: But I have no excuse to close it. My mommy forgot to write me one before I came to school.
Major Strasser: Find one!
Louie: (announcing to all) This restaurant is now closed! Thank you very much and don't forget to tip your bartenders and servers!
Rick: How can you close me up, Louie? On what grounds?
Louie: I'm shocked .... shocked to find that gambling is going on in here! Although not as shocked as I was to find gambling going on in a place like Chester PA, but still pretty shocked!
Croupier: Your winnings, sir. Louie: Oh, thank you very much!
Nobody can ever improve on that classic exchange. I won’t even try!
Later that night at Rick’s apartment. As Rick enters the apartment, he finds Ilsa also there. She has previously entered furtively. (What! You haven’t looked up “furtive” yet?)
Rick: Your unexpected visit isn't connected by any chance with the Letters of Transit. It seems as long as I have those letters, I'll never be lonely.
Ilsa: No, I'm here for Phillies tickets.Of course, it's the Letters of Transit!
Rick: Sorry, Ilsa, it's no deal! Or is it "Deal or No Deal?" Say, Howie Mandel might be perfect for a show with a name something like that!
Ilsa: I know how you feel about me, but I'm asking you to put your feelings aide for a cause far more important. It was once your cause too.
Rick:I'm the only Cause I'm interested in! By the way, care to make a donation to myCause? Or co-host my telethon? Y'know, I just fired Jerry Lewis.
At the end of her rope, Ilsa pulls a gun on Rick.
Ilsa:All right, I tried to reason with you. I tried everything. Now I want those letters!
Rick: Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor!
Ilsa: Really? Well, if you put it that way ....
Rick: Wait! Wait! Can't you take a little joke, Ilsa?
Ilsa drops the gun.
Ilsa: Rick, I can't fight it anymore! I tried to stay away. You see, Rick, Victor is my husband andwas even when you knew me in Paris!
Ilsa throws herself passionately into Rick's arms.
Rick: Well, okay. If you put in that way....
Ilsa: I ran away from you once. I can't do it again. Oh, I don't know what's right any longer! You have to think for the four of us! I mean the three of us, counting Victor. Or is it the two of us? Yes, in addition to not knowing what's right any longer, I have no math skills either!
Rick: All right, I will.
Rick: (turning to audience) You see, folks, it’s 1942, and it’s SOP to have women in the movies - even Ingrid Bergman - act like they’re dependent morons. The only flaw in this otherwise great movie!
Rick tenderly kisses Ilsa, and then .... Thank God Casablanca wasn’t made in 2010, because as much as I love Bogart, we'd have seen a lot more of him next than even I ever wanted to! Ingrid Bergman --- well, that would have been an offsetting factor. But I will follow the discretionary tastes of the 40's and show younada! Rick: Here’s lookin’ at you, kid! Yes, you’re right, Ilsa: I am one of the men who stare at goats!
At the Blue Parrot, another Casablanca nightclub, Rick and Senor Ferrari, the proprietor, are having a pow-wow. How’s that for a totally inappropriate expression under the circumstances?
Ferrari: As leader of all illegal activities in Casablanca, I am an influential and respected man. Just think, if I were 375 pounds lighter, watch out, Brad Pitt!
Rick: Well, 'Brad,' let's conclude our business then. I wouldn't want you to keep 'Angelina'waiting!
Ferrari: I assume a handshake is satisfactory for our deal on Rick's?
Rick: It certainly is not! But given the time we've got, let's just make it a pinkie shake!
Ferrari: Oh, yes, I like a good pinkie shake!
Rick: Now, Sam, Sasha, and Karl stay with the place or I don't sell!
Ferrari: Of course they do, it wouldn't be Rick's without them. What do you think, I'm buying your dump for the veal cordon bleu?
Rick: And Sam gets 25% of the profits.
Ferrari: I happen to know he gets 10%, but he's worth 25%. And for the iconic star of a classic movie, Rick, you are one hell of a cheapskate!
Having discussed with Inspector Renault his supposed plan to entrap Victor into arrest for attempting to purchase the Letters of Transit and take off with Ilsa for America, Rick and Inspector Renault lay in wait for Victor and Ilsa in the closed, darkened Rick's.
Louie: Still not sure why you’re doing this, Ricky. Miss Lund is very beautiful, but you were never interested in any woman.
Rick: You’re forgetting that tattooed skank who’s boffing Jesse James.
Louie: Ricky, I'm going to miss you. Apparently you're the only one in Casablanca with less scruples than I.
Rick: Yes, Louie, but today they had a deal on scruples at Staples. I’ve stocked up! Hmm, "stocked up on Scruples at Staples!" Say that fast five times!
As Victor and Ilsa enter and receive the Letters of Transit from Rick, Inspector Renault attempts to arrest Victor, but Rick pulls a gun on him instead.
Boy is this getting good!
Louie: Rick, have you lost your mind?
Rick: I have. Sit down.
Louie: Put that gun down!
Rick: I wouldn't like to shoot you, Louie, but I will if you take one more step! And certainly if you take several steps and do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around! Louie: Under the circumstances, I will sit down. And I'm sure as hell not going to do the hokey-pokey, even if it's ladies choice!
Rick: Louie, remember this gun is pointed right at your heart.
Louie: That is my least vulnerable spot.
Rick: Well, then I’ll just re-direct it due south!
Off to the Airport for the denouement (finally!) At the airport, Rick tells Inspector Renault to put Victor and Ilsa’s names on the Letters of Transit, ensuring their safe departure.
Ilsa: Richard, no! I want to go with you! You’re a much bigger star than Hans Conreid.
Rick: Ah, shut up, Louie! Only Boomers will get that joke anyway!
Ilsa: But Richard, please ....
Rick: Look, Ilsa, you’re getting on that plane! Someone has to sit next to Kevin Smith!
Ilsa: But I love you, Rick! More even than the Philadelphia Eagles!
Rick: If you’re not on that plane, someday you’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life - definitely no later than Hump Day! Look, Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble. But the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. (Actually maybe they do, considering the stink beans produce!) Someday you’ll understand that.
Rick: (turning to audience) Yes, folks, it’s still 1942 and it’s still SOP to talk to women – even Ingrid Bergman – like they’re dependent morons!
Rick: (to Ilsa) We’ll always have Paris. And there’ll be rude waiters for us wherever we go.
Ilsa: And I said I would never leave you. Well, okay, I’ll leave you. Here’s the number where I’ll be, make sure the sitter gets it!
Rick: Here’s lookin’ at you, kid! I’m saying it again because the stupid goat movie sort of tanked and I’m using up any excess dialogue!
Victor approaches to squire Ilsa onto the plane.
Rick: (to Victor) There's something you should know. Ilsa was at my place last night. She did everything she could to try to get the letters of transit. She even pretended to still be in love with me. For my sake, I let her pretend.
Victor: I understand. Since no one is to blame I ask for no explanations.
Rick: Geez, are you easy! If I'd have known that, we would have done a hell of a lot more pretending, including the one where I pretend to be the Orthodox Rabbi and she's the humongous pig roast!
Victor: Welcome back to the fight! This time I know our side will win --- or at least finish in the money!
Victor and Ilsa board the plane as Rick and Inspector Renauld look on.
Louie: I suppose you realize this isn't going to be very pretty for either of us. Especially you.
Rick: Yeah, but I do plan to do my bunk at the concentration camp in a light mauve with pinkish overtones.
Louie: You know I'll have to arrest you.
Rick: As soon as the plane leaves, Louie. Maybe also wait until the boring in-flight movie with Nicholas Cage starts.
As the plane taxis down the runway, Major Strasser arrives and tries to stop it. He reaches for a nearby phone to order it halted.
Rick: Step away from that phone! You know it's too expensive to call Information. Look up the number instead!
Major Strasser persists.
Rick: I said stop! I was willing to shoot Inspector Renault and I'm willing to shoot you. I kind of want to see if when I hit you it makes a clanging noise and you turn about and start immediately going in the opposite direction.
Major Strasser pulls a gun and BANG! BANG! BANG! (I am so juvenile!) Rick shoots Major Strasser and he falls dead to the ground. Louie's deputies drive up in a jeep. Louie: Major Strasser’s been shot!
There follows a pregnant pause as Rick and Inspector Renault cautiously regard each other. No, they're not literally pregnant, you idiot! Louie: (to his men) Round up the usual suspects!
Rick, quite relieved, half smiles knowingly at Inspector Renauld.
Louie:What?!! Who took Rick's name off the “Usual Suspects List?" Ha-ha-ha, just a little joke, Ricky!
Rick: You’re still no Claude Rains, Louie.
Louie: You know, Rick, you’re not only a sentimentalist, you've become a great patriot!
Rick: Seemed like a good time to start.
Louie: I think perhaps you’re right.
Inspector Renault drops a bottle of Vichy water into a trash can and kicks it. And it goes through the uprights for a winning three point conversion, unlike Rick’s guts earlier in the movie!
Rick and Louie walk off together into the dense airport fog.
Rick: You know, Louie, this looks like the start of a beautiful friendship!
Louie: You're right, Rick! You follow me on Twitter, and I follow you back.
Rick: And you’d better ….. or I’ll unfollow your ass!