Thursday, August 23, 2018

A World in Which Everyone is Named Fred

“Morning, Fred.”

“Morning to you, Fred.”

“Lovely day, isn’t it, Fred?”

“Sure is, Fred.  Say, have you seen Fred lately?”

“No, but I did bump into his wife.”

“What’s her name again?”


“That’s right.  Got a busy day at the office ahead, Fred?”

“Oh god, yes!  I have a meeting with Fred first thing. Then I’ve got a client meeting with Fred and Sons. Old man Fred is such a bastard!”

“I've heard. Y’know, I know one of the sons and he's very nice. Name’s Fred.”

“Say, Fred, how about you and I get together with Fred and Fred soon and play some golf at Fred’s Hollow."

“Sound great, but shouldn’t we also invite Fred?  He loves golf as much as Fred.”

“Nah, he’ll hold us up.  His short game is even worse than Fred’s.”

“Hey, Fred, look who’s coming! And who’s that with him?”

“Hiya, Fred! Greetings, Fred!" 

“Hello, Fred! Who’s your friend?”

“Oh, this is a professor of mine from St. Frederick's College, Fred. We’ve stayed friendly, Fred, and he’s visiting for a couple of days.”

“Hi, Professor! I'm Fred and this is Fred. Didn't catch your name."

"My name?"



"Oh! Nice to meet you, Moonglow.”

"I'm pleased to meet you too, Moonglow."

"Moonglow and I are going to visit another former student of his, name of Fred, and we're late. Sorry, Fred and Fred, no time to chat."

“Okay, see you, Fred. Moonglow.”

“Bye, Fred.  So long, Moonglow."

“Say, Fred? Wonder how Fred’s professor got a name like Moonglow.”

“I’m not sure, Fred, but I can guess.”


“He must have been born in the 60’s”


Sunday, August 19, 2018

Your Five Minutes of News without Trump!

Much as I like to watch CNN and MSNBC, neither station provides anything resembling comprehensive news of the world.
These days it’s All Trump All the Time from the earliest morning recap of Trump’s outrages of the day before to the midday report on his up-to-the-minute daily disgraces to the late night review of the further deterioration of democracy wrought by Trump within the last 12 hours.
 Important stuff, but what about the rest of the news?
“This is Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. 
Today we’re introducing a new feature. Each hour on the hour we'll have Your Five Minutes of News without Trump! Exclusively on CNN. 

Let's begin.
In India today at least 324 people have been killed in flooding in the southern Indian state of Kerala in what local officials say is the worst flooding in 100 years. Rescuers are battling torrential rains to save residents, with more than 200,000 people left homeless in camps.

This is Sanjay Ray, a 78 year old grandmother.  Everything she owns has been swept away in the rampaging waters.

'What can I do?  It is almost as bad as if I had to live under Donald Trump! Did you see his latest idiotic tweet? 

The FAKE NEWS MEDIA is the Opposition Party.  It is very bad for our Great Country ... BUT WE ARE WINNING!

Go to the United States? No thank you, I'll rebuild here!'

And there is revolution in the African country of Bhatta where King Leopold the III has been unseated in a bloody coup by General Ralph Bakshi.

'There is so much we must do to restore basic order and decency to our country after years of misrule, corruption, and pillage by King Leopold,' said General Bakshi, speaking to victorious throngs in Bhatta Square.

'Fortunately, things are not as horrible as they would have been under Donald Trump! Did you see his latest moronic tweet?

The Failing New York Times wrote a story that made it seem like the White House Councel (sic) had TURNED on the President, when in fact it is just the opposite - & the two Fake reporters knew this. This is why the Fake News Media has become the Enemy of the People. So bad for America!

We must count our blessings!'

And finally earlier today, I spoke with Elinore Brotman, 8 year old musical prodigy known around the world who is in New York for a special concert tonight.

"Hello, Ms. Brotman, we’re delighted to have you here in New York.”

“Thank you, Mr. Blitzer.”

“I must ask you, Ms. Brotman: it's rumored there's a secret agreement among many in the musical community to keep it quiet that you have an intestinal blockage which may prevent you from performing tonight.

“That’s not true, Mr. Blitzer.”


“There was no collusion, no obstruction.”

And that’s  Your Five Minutes of News without Trump.” Now back to 55 minutes of All Trump All the Time here on CNN.

This is Wolf Blitzer.

If you liked this post, you'll like my book Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.

If you hated this post, WTF, try it anyway!

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Still Stoking and Revoking Brennan

Several days ago in an attempt to quash the free speech of former government officials who have criticized him, President Trump rescinded the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan.

Now he has taken further action against Director Brennan.

“Due to his irresponsible and erratic statements about the president’s policies, “White House Spokeswoman Sandra Huckabee Sanders said at her daily press briefing today," President Trump is today revoking Director Brennan’s library card. 

"Effective immediately, Mr. Brennan will be barred from taking out books, periodicals, and/or videos from the library system local to him, the Herschel Garfunkel Public LibraryThe President is taking this action because Mr. Brennan has wantonly attacked the leadership of President Trump through the use of facts."

"Curtailing access to the library," she added, "will severely limit his ability to obtain these facts.”

Director Brennan has already struck back through Twitter.

“This heinous politically motivated act of the president will not stop me from obtaining facts,” Brennan tweeted today. “I can still spend a pleasant afternoon in the Herschel Garfunkel Public Library reading at my leisure and even enjoying a coke and a Snickers from the vending machines in the reading room."   

"And if I really want to take a book out, I’ll ask my wife to take it out on her card," Director Brennan added in a follow-up tweet.

"And should it be a long book over 300 pages on more, I’ll renew it ... yes, Mr. President! … also on her card!”


Sunday, August 12, 2018

Another Visit from Vitiligo

How does this picture from a 50's television show fit into a post about a medical condition called vitiligo?  Read on!

About 20 years ago I acquired a medical problem known as vitiligo.

Vitiligo is a condition in which some of your skin loses pigment and causes you to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost. Except there's nothing friendly about vitiligo.

I sure didn’t need another medical problem when I got vitiligo.  The older I get the more afflictions I seem to acquire; I’m up to double figures now and that’s not even counting the sexual ones.

Vitiligo is especially perplexing because it can rest dormant for a bunch of years and then suddenly return with a vitiligo vengeance.  On its most recent vitiligo  visit I literally woke up and found my left arm looking like it had been dipped in white paint!

I knew this had to be vitiligo because I’m a Jew and I’m not handy enough to even dream I’ve been painting.      
That day I went out in short sleeves to pick up some items at the supermarket.
Why not long sleeves to hide the condition?

It was 90 degrees at eight in the morning.   It was predicted to be 105 degrees by noon.  Incineration of the planet by fire and brimstone was scheduled for 6.

So I went with the short sleeves in hopes I would not run into anyone I knew.

My hopes, however, were dashed.

“Umm... hi, Farbman, how I are you, “I stammered as I entered the store.

“Hi, Perry… HOLY SHIT!”

“Oh, yes, you’re probably referring to my vitiligo. It’s a minor skin condition wherein a bit of pigment is absent from my skin.”

“A bit of pigment!  You left arm looks like an Oreo cookie dunked in milk.”

“Oh, I don’t think it’s that bad.”

“Are you kidding?  "You remind me of 101 Dalmatians only without the dalmatians."

"Thanks, Farbman."

"Remember the TV show Father Knows Best in which Robert Young wore arm patches with all his suits. Your arms look like his, only without the suit!”  (See picture above.)

When someone's willing to date themselves back to the 50's to make a joke at my expense, I'm clearly not about to be enjoying the conversation.

I went to see my skin doctor, Dr. Joy Davis.

“I knew you’d be back,” smirked Dr. Davis.  “They all come back.”

“But you said some people don’t get any worse and don’t need to come back.”

“Some people, sure.  But you?  A specimen such as yourself who has afflictions in double figures…"

“Hey, just barely in the double figures!”

“Aren’t you’re forgetting something?”


“The sexual ones.”

Dr. Davis prescribed a cream that can sometimes improve the condition.  I skulked home with my short sleeves and the known world visibly gawking at me and slathered on the cream like I was basting a turkey.

So we’ll see what happens. Hopefully I don’t wake up one day, look in the mirror and see the Joker staring back at me.

As I said, there's nothing friendly about vitiligo.


Father knows Best -  If I haven't ruined my chance to connect with millennial humor before, I sure have now. Even I can't believe I'm old enough to remember a time that a television show could have such a sexist title as this.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Comment Allez-Vous? Pas du Tout!*

It is said that there are only three constants in life:

1) Death,
2) Taxes, except for rich friends of Trump, and
3) That I will get no comments to my posts.

It's true. 

I get comments about as often as the Katherine Heigl Fan Club meets. If you were to look at the end of most of my posts you will  see the big bold words "NO COMMENTS,"  which translated into blog language means "Why are you here, idiot, go read a better blog!""

Meanwhile there are no shortage of humor blogs where each post regularly garners 47 laudatory comments such as:
  • Janice, you always tickle my funny bone!
  • You're too funny, Osgood!
  • Bruce, you are much funnier than that schmuck Perry!
Now  in truth there is something of a problem in posting on Blogger. I'm told that sometimes people type out a post only to have it vanish before their eyes. Sometimes they also receive a small electric shock and/or the song "You Get What You Give" starts playing.  

If so, Blogger's comment function needs an oil, filter, and lube at minimum  .

Even so,  when I was in a Flash Fiction group a year or so ago where members comment on each other's posts, I routinely received dozens of comments. Then again almost all of them were negative, which proves there must be a serious distortion in the system!

I called my friend Russell, one of the few people who does comment on my posts, to get his thoughts.

"Russell, you haven't been commenting lately on my posts."

"I know.  I've been busy working, doing community service ..."

"Yeah, right!  You've probably been busy commenting on Janice's posts that tickle your funny bone!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why aren't you commenting on my stuff?"

"Maybe you haven't been that funny lately.  Your post on The Lighter Side of Double Entry Bookkeeping wasn't exactly a howler."

"But what about some of the recent better ones?"

"What recent better ones?"

"But what about everybody else who reads my posts?"

"Everybody else who reads your posts? 



That Russell, what a kidder! 

I hope.

So what about you, Dear Reader?  I'd love it if you would comment on this post.  C'mon, this very post! 


Or are you hurrying over to read the latest gem by Osgood?  

Yeah, I know.  It's Too Funny!

*In French it means "How are you? Not at all." 
 Which doesn't mean anything.  I just thought the words "comment, not at all!" sounded right here.

Be the first to comment on this post.  
Don't worry, you won't have much competition!   

Thursday, August 2, 2018

I Need Me A Course in Writing Millennial

I may not be the greatest humor writer in the history of the world, but I’m not exactly the ABBA of humor writers either.

But today in 2018 I am facing an inconvenient truth. 
I am a Baby Boomer.

Please someone:  I need me a course in how to write millennial!

Just as styles do in clothing, automobiles, and music, styles of humor change and evolve over time  too.

I was born in the Milton Berle era of the 1950’s when  Uncle Miltie got laughs just by putting on a dress. Then came the “Here’s Johnny” era, and I loved staying up late with Carnac the Great, the Tee Time Movie, and the slick show bizz banter grinning Johnny Carson purveyed along with folk like Sammy Davis, Steve & Eydie, and sometimes, yes, even the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra.

As I trotted off to college, humor morphed again with the emergence of cerebral social and political commentary from the likes of Robert Klein, David Steinberg, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and (like him or not) Woody Allen, all of whom were perfect to get stoned to and marvel at our very hipness with.

Seemed just an eye blink later and David Letterman - a guy considered so off beat at the time he was passed over for host of the all-American Tonight Show - ruled the CBS eye with his top ten lists, tossing bowling balls off the top of buildings, and his patented "it’s so stupid it’s funny brand of comedy."

And I was totally down with all of this.

Then the millennials cometh.

And now I've been down so long it looks like up - way up over my head! - to me.

What is millennial humor?  I think it's kind of absurdity married to hipness married to modern and obscure  cultural references expressed though memes.  Lots and lots of memes.

I have no idea what I just wrote.

No millennial is ever going to author posts like:

 "How I Beat Last Summer's Crab Grass," "Don't Leave the Toilet Seat Up! and Other Wacky Tales of Modern Marriage," or "Oh, that Trump!"

What they will author are:

15 UNIQUE things you could say to James joyce if you met him on Bloomsday on your way home from a festival of david lynch movies about passover

if jane austen didn’t take her medicine and learned to firewalk but not particularly well until she had a torrid affair with alan cranston, who taught her how to yodel

running backwards dog first bite holy mechanic furbank norbert keehuby OHCOKC BYGOS

I have no idea what they just wrote.

Millennials have their own words and phrases as well, like:


It's lit - must refer to joints, I guess.

Throw Shade -  a beach umbrella?  Or to be politically incorrect, former NJ Governor Christie?

Woke - Nah, Boomers don't wanna be this until at least 11:00 A.M. each day.

bae - Somebody bet on the bay!

Kendrick Lamar - Is that firm as good as Progressive? I'm going to call them right away and get a quote on car insurance.


So, please someone:  I need me a course in how to write millennial!

Until then, I'll be over here in the corner, putting on a dress.


And you can see me in the dress in Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!
(Not really, but you'll still like it.)