Changes to the Superman cannon in the upcoming film have been closely guarded, but rumors include the non-destruction of the planet Krypton, a "Jenny Olson," and an actress who is actually talented and good-looking in the role of Lois Lane, notwithstanding the best Lois ever, Noel Neill. But we have now learned that the most major change of all is the addition of a dramatic new power in the arsenal of Superman capabilities!
Starting on June 14, the strange visitor from another planet whose powers are far beyond those of normal men will now also possess the incredible ability to
Make a great cup of coffee first time, every time!
********"Superman, incredibly aromatic and delicious as always! We'll be able to stop Luthor's plan to rule the world easily now, thank you!"
"UP, UP and AWAY!"
"Where are you off to now, Superman?"
"Off to make super coffee for SEAL Team Six, the CIA, and the Democratic Party. Of course, to help the Democrats I'm going to have to make several pots!"
*******"Superman, Starbucks is threatening to take over Metropolis! They're opening a new franchise here every 15 minutes!"
"Don't worry, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny! I'm building a new franchise called "Coffee by Krypton" serving my special Fortress of Solitude blend! There I'm using my X-Ray Vision to create WIFI wherever there is no Starbucks!"
"Hurray, Superman! Metropolis is saved!"
"Not yet, Jenny! To truly vanquish Starbucks, I'll need all my strength to serve hip artistic sensibilities along with the coffee!"
"Never worry, General! I can grind the beans with my super strength in an instant. I'll just grab them in the palm of my hand and squeeze tightly, the same way I take a lump of coal and make ... Damn!
"What's happening, Superman?
"I keep turning them into diamonds!"
"It's Kryptonite, Mr. White! It's sapping Superman's strength. His coffee is weak and tepid, hardly robust at all!"
"Must ... measure better. Must ... pour longer. Must ...must ... scoop stronger!"
"Quick, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny! Wrap the Kryptonite in lead or the earth is doomed! Or at least stuck drinking Lex Luthor Latte from now on!"
"You know, Jenny, Clark's never around when Superman shows up and he looks exactly like Superman with glasses. Also I've had sex with both of them and neither was exactly good to the last drop, if you catch my drift."
"Lois, that's ridiculous! Clark doesn't even post about coffee on Facebook, unheard of for a writer!"
"Well, I'm going to try something right now. Clark, get me a cup of coffee, will you?"
"Sure, Lois! Sanka, Maxwell House, or freeze-dried?"
"Next time I talk such nonsense, Jenny, trade me to Aquaman!
Of course whether movie audiences will readily wrap themselves up in the Man of Steel's mighty red cape is yet to be seen, but one thing is for sure, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny: whether the new Superman truly is more powerful than a locomotive or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, he certainly will have the power to make us all go faster than a speeding bullet!
And for those of us who love coffee, that's nothing less than Super, man!
If you liked this post, you might also like Why Superman Hasn't Saved You Lately From Marauding Aliens, Why Superman Doesn't Need a Secret Identity, and The Next Dark Knight Rising.
If you hated this post, I hope Superman serves you Sanka first time, every time.