Sunday, December 25, 2016

Life's Little Pleasures II

It’s been one hell of a terrible year!

Many beloved celebrities passing away (not that this doesn’t happen every year), the election of a dangerous demagogue as President, and our own personal mishigas have all combined to make year 2016 about as enjoyable as the Bubonic Plague.

    What can we do?  Well, sometimes I try to focus myself upon what I call “Life’s Little Pleasures,” those usually small things in life that tend to make one feel a little bit better.

    So tell me, Maria, what are some of your favorite things?  Well, first off, one favorite thing is you not calling me "Maria." Here are a few of the others, some of which are actually for real and not jokes:


     1) A very personable and attentive waiter or waitress, especially if it's a waitress with big boobs.

2) The Oxford Comma. It is always right, just and appropriate.

     3) Throwing bread to ducks in a creek, especially if you are with a small child, right up until the moment the ducks surround you and start making anti-Semitic quacks.

4) Being caught up and fully up to date in a project, assignment, or major task you’re doing.

5) Yeah, like that's really going to happen …

6) Learning a new word and shortly afterwards reading it or hearing it used a number of additional times and finding it amazing that you had never heard that word before in your entire life, and now it seems to be everywhere!

7) Anybody's smile.   

8) Being told you look like a certain star or performer unless you hate the star or performer, think he or she is goofy looking, or it's Nicholas Cage.

     9) Anticipating Trump's impeachment.

    10) Feeling yourself genuinely affected with emotion at hearing unhappy news or watching a sad story on television and thinking “gee, maybe I’m not such a self-absorbed, vacuous waste of an unfeeling human being as I thought I was after all!” 

    11) Getting at least one of the scrambled words in the “Daily Jumble” figured out quickly, even if it’s only a four letter word and a dippy little four letter word like "boot," to boot!

    12) Fantasizing about what if you had incredible powers like Superman such as flying, bending steel in your bare hands, or being able to get Gal Gadot's phone number. 

13) Sharing a box of popcorn with somebody with whom you feel close enough to eat out of the same box of popcorn with. (But no way buttered!)
    14) Watching a movie on television on a true movie channel that shows the full closing credits (and closing theme music too!) without speeding them up, shrinking them and putting them in the upper left hand corner of the screen to promote some other dopey show on the main part of the screen, or having them abruptly and unceremoniously end to make way for a commercial with Flo. 

15) Being asked by a friend to read something he or she has written and after you read it being able to tell him or her that you truly liked it without having to lie! Or maybe just a teeny bit.

          16) Finding an interesting coin from another country in your change.

    17) Discovering the shampoo that’s absolutely right for you and after using it, feeling like your hair looks thick, full, lustrous, and better than ever before, even though it still looks like shit.

     18) Completing all of the items on your “To Do” List.

    19) Yeah, like that's really going to happen …

        20) The first day you finally feel you are pretty much over your cold.

    21) Being in a room full of hundreds of people at a conference and even though you feel apprehensive about speaking in a group that large, raising your hand and asking a question and hearing the speaker say “that’s a GREAT question!”

    22) Fantasizing about living in another period of time like the Middle Ages but still possessing your current knowledge, sophistication, and liberal views, so you are considered “ahead of your time.”  And not getting burned at the stake for it.

    23) Reconciling your checkbook and getting it to come out perfectly the first time.

    24) Yeah, like that's really going to happen …

    25) Having an opportunity to obtain a celebrity’s autograph and despite feeling reticent about it, going up to the celebrity, finding him or her to be friendly, and getting the autograph.  And a selfie too, if you're not too old to be intimidated by having a picture taken with somebody that way better looking than you. 

    26) Needing gas on a day that’s very cold and being in New Jersey where by law there’s an attendant to pump it for you and you don't have to get out of the car or do a damn thing!

    27) Successfully parallel parking in a narrow space without scraping your tires, banging the car in front and/or behind you, or running over innocent bystanders.

    28) A great cup of coffee that you didn’t expect in a shitty restaurant.

       29) Having a friend of the opposite sex with whom you feel as close as                 with a friend of your own sex.

       30) Any items on this list about which we have written ”yeah,                               like that's really going to happen” actually happening.

Happy Holidays, Maria!


Thursday, December 15, 2016

Sometimes in Winter (FF)

FF- Friday Fictioneers
Copyright - Rochelle Wisoff Shields  

I own a very small piece of property somewhere in a place you've probably never heard of. Despite its size, it is large enough for me to keep and care for several horses.

There's Ramrod, the former race horse who’s won fewer races than Hillary Clinton, Thunder Clap who loves mayonnaise on his hay, and Jokester, the one who manages to fart whenever you get behind him. 

Despite all this, I love riding each one of them, especially in the frequently falling snow.

But we can't go very far.  You see, I live in a snow globe which rests on the shelf of a little boy in Cleveland.

That's what I get for making fun of Harry Potter's scar.


Y'know, a snow globe is not a bad place to live after all.  To visit your nearest neighbor you have to travel to infinity, the schools aren't great or even existent, and you can't get a good corned beef sandwich anywhere. But at least there's a half dozen Starbucks.

Sure, I  wish some of the other Friday Fictioneers would come visit but they're busy writing posts based on the picture prompt above, which you can access by clicking here.

Hey, don't shake me!  Ramrod and I get nauseous.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Fatty Did It, After All

In a daring pre-dawn raid, an elite force of Donald Trump transition team members has stormed the one room New Jersey apartment of Ralph Plumpkin and seized the 400 pound Mr. Plumpkin, the man responsible for the recent massive hacking of  the Democratic National Committee.

"We got 'em!" bragged commando leader and soon-to-be National Security Advisor General Michael "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, "and now we can Lock Him Up! You know, fear of fatties is RATIONAL."

President-Elect Trump stated that he knew Plumpkin was a danger to America as far back as the days when he was vigorously opposing the Iraqi War. “That’s because I know more than all the intelligence agencies put together,” noted Mr. Trump, “I have a good brain, and I know all the best words, like amazinghuge, and so important!” (which is two words.)

General Flynn exclaimed that it was ridiculous to think Russia had anything to do with the hacking because Plumpkin is a master of cyber espionage far more capable and advanced than anyone in the Russian secret services. Democrats doubt that Mr. Plumpkin is a master of cyber espionage far more capable and advanced than anyone in the Russian secret services as it has been learned that he still uses AOL dial-up. 

“As soon as I am sworn in I will have Plumpkin promptly water boarded,” added Mr. Trump. “That is, if we can find a large enough board and anywhere near enough water.”


Saturday, December 10, 2016

Stayin' with the Schmatas (FF)

  © Lucy Fridkin
FF - Friday Fictioneers

Last weekend I booked myself a couple of days at Hotel Eloi in Weena Bay.  

It's quite inexpensive because across the Bay from the hotel lives a race of creatures known as the Schmatas. With their gruesome faces and sharp claws, the Schmatas scare away many potential hotel guests.

I was sitting on the beach when the Schmatas began swimming across the bay towards the hotel. A mad panic ensued and soon the beach was emptied. Except for me.

A huge Schmata emerged from the water and approached me.

"Be a dearie and rub some suntan lotion on my back, will you?"  I asked. "And get me a Coke.”

Although they are gruesome looking indeed, the Schmatas provide excellent guest services for the hotel.


I've been missing in action lately so I thought I might wade back into the water with the post above.  Hopefully the water's not too full of Schmatas because they can be a bit raggy sometimes, not that I even know what that means.

There's nothing raggy, however, about the other Friday Fictioneers, and their takes on the picture prompt above may be found by clicking here.  One story of particular note is by the inimitable Russell Gayer and I'd recommend you read it forthwith

Or at least fifthwith. Happy Holidays, everybody!

Friday, December 9, 2016

Love to Walk in the Rain

 That's me, another Gene Kelly.  Only I can't sing or dance.
  I do own an umbrella
I love to walk in the rain.  
Soft droplets of water gently caressing my brow and body relax and entrance me. Alone in the mist I feel truly alive and at one with nature.
Sometimes I stroll on the spacious grounds at Haverford College, a bastion of higher learning which is nestled among the enclaves, boroughs, and villages known as the Philadelphia Main Line. My abode, but minutes away, is humble but close enough to Haverford College to enable me to pick up much needed status points. 

I tell out-of-towners and naive locals that I live over there, where dudes have a lot more money.

But nevertheless I am fortunate indeed to possess at hand such a lovely and enchanting arborous environment in which to walk in the soft and gentle rain. 

Gee, the rain's kind of picking up now and larger droplets of water are pelting upon my brow and body.  It’s a bit colder too, shucks, guess I should have taken a sweater or light jacket.

But no matter.  Say, a lovely cottage ahead!  Must be the home of a Haverford professor, probably one in liberal arts whose students will graduate to live in their parents’ basements.  It looks so warm and inviting inside; mmmm, is that a blueberry pie they’re baking?

Ah, but I’m forgoing any such epicurian comforts today as I walk in the rain rejoicing in the solitude of its now rapidly quickening pace and intensity.

Look at the young sapling!  Bursting from the earth and burgeoning skywards.  Observe the gentle movement of the chipmunk, the bunny, and the many diseased rats all about me.  Regard those gnarled tree roots right in my path.

Shit, I fell right over them!   Right into the goddamn mud!

Fucking tree roots, what are they doing out here in nature!?

It’s pouring now.   I’m freezing!  And gooey mud is seeping into my underwear!

I think it might be time to hightail it home, I hear the howling wind making a sound somewhat like the word “Katrina!”  I think this is the way out of the woods right past this thorn bush, and ….

OWWWWW!  My left arm looks like the moo goo gai pan at Sam Lo’s! 

And I forgot my first aid kit!  Actually I could only afford a third aid kit, which wouldn’t have done much good anyway. I’m bleeding and soaked and this is turning into a hurricane on steroids!

Look!  Two nearby gentleman are advancing through the downpour. Perhaps they are friendly college students coming to my aid. 

No, through the tempestuous monsoon I see they are both heavily tattooed and one young man has the words “I eat Jews’ emblazoned on his neck and he’s the less scary of the two.

HELP!  Get me outta this goddamned rain drenched hell!  

Ah, here’s the opening! Concrete and buildings and fast food!  I’m saved.

Well, finally I’ve made it home.  I might dry out by next Thursday and I'd love some blueberry pie, but - damnit!- I don't got bupkis in the fridge!

But today soft droplets of water gently caressed my brow and body to relax and entrance me as alone in the mist I felt truly alive and at one with nature.

I love to walk in the rain.  


Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trump Jam!

Note:  This is a very silly post.
  Not recommended for those who are not Bugs Bunny fans.
 Or for the most part, anyone else.)

The long awaited pairing of two great American icons!
Donald Trump        Bugs Bunny

The fun-filled story of a Presidential campaign pitting a free-spirited bunny against a mean-spirited bully!

Debate One:  You're the Puppet 
(Based on this classic Bugs/Daffy bit) 

Trump: You're the puppet!

Bugs: No, you're the puppet!

Trump: No, you're the puppet!

Bugs: No, you're the puppet!

Trump: No, you're the puppet!

Bugs:  No, I'm the puppet!

Trump: No, I'm the puppet!
Bugs:  No, I'm the puppet!

Trump:  No, I'm the puppet!

Bugs: No, I'm the puppet!

Trump:  No, I'm the puppet!  I'm absolutely positively the puppet! 

Bugs: Okay, Doc, have it your way.  You're the puppet.

Trump:  Well, thank you, Bugs.  I am the puppet for sure, because I don't know shit and  ..... wait a minute OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!


Bugs: Of course you know this means war! 

Debate Two: His Darling Daughter

Trump: I'm building a wall and the Mexicans are going to pay for it.

Bugs: You won't even get Salma Hayek to chip in for it.

Trump:  I'm bringing back jobs to America!  

Bugs: The only jobs you're bringing back to America are the kind that leave tooth marks on  your pecker.  I wonder, Doc, do you at all know the difference between truth and lies? 

Trump:  All truth is relative. And while we're talking about relatives, have you seen my daughter?  She's really hot!

Bugs:  I know, Doc. Your daughter's pussy's been grabbed more times than a shortstop's crotch!


Bugs:  What a maroon! 

Debate Three: Keep America Safe

Trump: I know more about ISIS than the Generals!  

Bugs: Yeah, that's a set of General Tires.

Trump: Did you know I have all the best words because I went to Wharton?

Bugs: What does "cat" mean?

Trump:  I'll Google it later. I'm busy keeping America safe.

Bugs: What was that, Doc?

Trump: Keeping America safe! 

Bugs:  I didn't hear that. What are you gonna keep America?

Trump: Safe! Safe! I said Safe!!! 

Bugs: That's what I thought you said!

Acme Safe Company


**cuckoo**   **cuckoo**

Bugs:  Ain't I a stinker?

Election Night

Wolf Blitzer: That's it, folks, Bugs Bunny has swept the electoral vote, the popular vote, and the Chachi/Duck Dynasty vote.  The next President of the United States is Bugs Bunny!

Bugs: Gosh, thanks, Doc.  Any carrots come with that?

Trump:  So unfair!  The whole thing is rigged. The election's been fixed!

Bugs: Did you say fixed, Doc?

Trump:  Right!  I said FIXED!

Bugs:  Fixed I can take care of right now.  Too bad they didn't do it to your father 71 years ago.


Bugs:  What an ignor-a-mus!

Well, that's our picture, folks.  Make sure and come visit me at the White House if ever you're in town. We can discuss infrastructure development and border security and I'll have my man Trump whip you up a nice souffle. 

Hey, Trump, where are you?  Do I have to lock you up? Where is that Loony Tune anyway?   

If you liked this post you might also like like  Scientists Hail Discovery of "Trump is an Asshole" Gene, Donald J. Trump's Guide to Sexual Harassment, and The Most Disliked Nominees in History. If you hated this post, I hope your daughter marries Rudy Giuliani and they have a daughter who looks just like him who lives in your basement until she's 40! 


(Sorry for the lame special effects, especially the dropping of the safe, but that's the best I can do. And once again, that's all, folks!)

Saturday, November 5, 2016

I've Rigged the Vote for Hillary!

Don't worry, folks, I took care of it.  All ballots say "HILLARY!"

You'll be pleased to know, folks, that I have now pretty much fully rigged the voting for President on Tuesday in Pennsylvania. Whenever anyone in Pennsylvania tries to vote Trump or Johnson, the voting machine will register Hillary Clinton.

You're welcome very much!

I couldn't manage to figure out how to rig things in a similar manner with respect to Stein, but that's only 3 or 4 votes. So, let the Green Party honcho have a thrill or two!

I'm honored the Democratic Party chose me to be the one to rig things for Hillary in Pennsylvania. To think that right here in the Birthplace of American Democracy I've been specially selected to undermine democracy brings a tear to my eye, a warm feeling to my chest, and many wads of illicit cash to my bank account in the Cayman Islands.

Why was I selected? I believe it was because I am someone who flies under the radar. The last significant act I did to distinguish myself in the realm of politics was to scream at Wolf Blitzer "Goddamit, ask a decent follow-up question already!" and "Wolf, dye the beard. It's aging."

I have to laugh at that idiot Trump. He blathers on about how the vote in Pennsylvania is going to rigged even though he knows the vote in Pennsylvania is not going to be rigged except it really is going to be rigged. By me. Sex with Putin this weekend is going to be really strange for both of them.

Now, folks, this is crucial: we have to keep this information strictly confidential!

So don't send it to Hillary.

And, by the way, get set for a Philadelphia Phillies World Series. Now that I've got the hang of rigging stuff, you ain't seen nothing yet!


Thursday, November 3, 2016

Down Old Route 66 (FF)

© Jean L. Hays
FF-Friday Fictioneers
“How can I help you folks?” said kindly old Russell Gayer as he approached the young couple just stopping at his service station.

“Excuse me, sir” said the young man, “but is this really Route 66? That’s not what my map or GPS says.”

“Oh, yes, sir, it is Route 66!  Say, would you folks like some APCO gas?  I’ve also got APCO Oil, APCO Spark Plugs, APCO …”

“Oh, no, thank you, we just needed directions.”

The young couple continued down the road. When they were out of sight kindly old Russell Gayer planted his hands on his hips and laughed.

“Two more souls for my master Lord APCO, son of Satan! Been much easier to trap them since I removed the third 6 from the sign.”


Sorry to introduce such a terrifying character in this story and I didn't mean to cause you nightmares, but that kindly old Russell Gayer is awfully scary when he's badgering you about buying APCO products.  I don't know about you, but  I came away with an APCO raincoat and APCO chocolate candy with raisins.

Well, let's all calm down by reading the tales based on the picture prompt above by the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking here.

Oh, no, here comes kindly old Russell Gayer again! Okay, okay, I'll take the APCO underwear!