“Send in the next interviewee, please.”
“Hello, sir. I’m here to apply for the sanitation job at
your company.”
“Fine. Your
name is …”
“Paul Ryan. Paul Davis
Ryan.”
“Paul Davis Ryan?”
“That’s correct, sir.”
“Do you always emphasize your middle name like that?"
“Always.”
"Why?"
“To distinguish myself from any other person who might
happen quite by accident to have the same name as mine - Paul Ryan - so that
people will understand I am just one random Paul Ryan out of a multitude of
Paul Ryans and not any one specific Paul Ryan.”
“You look familiar to me.”
“No, I don’t!”
“I beg your pardon.”
“I mean ... you’re
probably mistaking me for Butch Patrick from The Munsters!”
“Could be.”
"Here's my resume, sir."
“I see. Now, Mr. Ryan, I appreciate a thorough resume but yours is a bit unusual."
“How so, sir?”
“You’ve given me way too much information about the
early part of your career and very little about the rest.”
“I don't understand.”
"It says in the 1980's and early 90's you worked as a waiter, fitness trainer, salesman, marketing consultant for a construction company, driver for Oscar Mayer who once got to drive the fabled Wienermobile, and numerous other jobs all carefully enumerated."
"So?"
"Mr. Ryan, I don’t really need to know that you worked the grill at McDonald's from May 23, 1987 - February 14, 1988 and references are available upon request."
"Mr. Ryan, I don’t really need to know that you worked the grill at McDonald's from May 23, 1987 - February 14, 1988 and references are available upon request."
“Just trying to show the diversity of my work experience, sir.”
“But what have you been doing since 1995?”
“I ... um ... wanted to spend time with my family. I was only seeing my kids on Sundays and ...”
“You know, that’s sounds kind of familiar to me.”
"No, no, it doesn’t! Hey, maybe I am Butch Patrick!”
“Why, you’re
the Paul Ryan that surrendered control of our country to Emperor Donald I!”
“Surrender is a strong word, sir. How about graciously
tendered?”
“You moron! You asshole!”
“So
I left a little government service off the resume. I’ll put it back in.”
“Had
you started impeachment proceedings during the spring of 2018 when it wasn’t too
late we’d still have air you don't need to decant! There wouldn’t be a big, beautiful wall
around California!
“Yeah,
prob’ly.”
“And the national
anthem wouldn’t be “O’ Putin Land!”
“But it is catchy.”
“You spineless, pathetic, weak-willed …
wait a minute.”
“What, sir?”
“I just realized you are qualified for one position here.”
“What position is that?”
“My
assistant.”
“I’m
interested!”
“Good, Mr. Davis. You
start next week.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you liked this post you'll love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and you should order your copy right away. If you hated this post, I hope when the blue wave does come you are swept away into the swirling pulsating waters with only Paul Ryan's balls as a flotation device.
