Thursday, May 17, 2018

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute


The First Book 


I may dig a pygmy, but these folks dig
Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute:

"Perry has the wit, wisdom, voice timbre and cadence of a young Dick Cavett. (To call Perry a "young" anything is my gift to Perry.) I knew this about Mr. Block 40 years ago when we first met. And his writing reconfirms it." - Andy Cowan, comedy writer for Seinfeld, Cheers, 3rd Rock from the Sun, and author of the soon-to-be-released comedy memoir Banging My Head Against the Wall: A Comedy Writer's Guide to Seeing Starsforeword by Jay Leno.  

"This book was totally relatable, funny, and yes, really poignant ... I appreciate Perry's wit and fight. He's not going gently into that good night. Neither am I. Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is a great read!" - Michele Young-Stone, author of The Handbook of Lightning Strike Survivors, Above Us Only Sky, and Lost in the Beehive (selected by Oprah's Book Club) 
  
“Perry Block offers up his ideas about advancing age in a funny and clever series of delightful musings … Perry brings his wit and wisdom to some everyday situations which will guarantee that you'll not only relate, but you'll be laughing out loud… By all means, buy it, read it, laugh out loud, and enjoy." - Joy Ross Davis, author of Emalyn's Treasure, The Devereaux Jewel, Mother, Can You Hear Me?, and more.

“Perry Block has gathered a collection of his hilarious articles and essays on the joys of being a Boomer in the 21st century. He takes his readers along a desperate path of trying to turn back the clock. Seriously, you will laugh until your sides ache.”- K.D. McCriteauthor of the Confessions of April Grace and Further Confessions of April Grace series of books, and more.

A funny (often laugh out loud funny) charmingly self-deprecating series of short pieces about aging, modern culture, pop culture then and now, and an eclectic variety of other topics … I felt like I got to know the author (who would likely make a highly entertaining dinner companion) while I read. Really enjoyable." - Debra Snider, author of Lost Wyoming, A Merger of Equals, and more.

"Perry Block hates cheese.  If that’s not enough reason to read this collection of humorous essays chronicling the inevitable life of an aging 67 year-old Baby Boomer then I don’t know what is. Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is a laugh-out-loud cautionary tale about not taking creeping old age lying down (unless it’s nap time)."- Don Holley, screenwriter of National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon and author of Half-Loaded: A Humorous Hollywood Memoir.   


Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute
  The Book

Like you, Perry Block is a Baby Boomer who turned around one day in 1978 and suddenly found himself 40 years later at an age he always thought was exclusively reserved for people’s parents. 

Through a series of often hilarious essays, Perry tries to make sense of it all, aided by his son Brandon and a host of other real and fictitious characters, including Batman, Cupid, the Legendary Jewish Vampire Vlad the Retailer, Richard Nixon, Moses, and more. 

Every Boomer concern is here - aging angst, fatherhood, the singles life, friendships, fading looks and physicality, social trends, the1960’s, drugs, religion, Judaism, the writing life, parody and satire, self-deprecation, and the nagging worry that not only has he measured his life in coffee spoons, frequently the coffee hasn’t even been hot.


Available at Amazon & Barnes & Noble

Now also Available at the Narberth  Bookshop
in beautiful Narberth PA

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Ready for Your Close-up, Mr. DeMillions of Readers?
Perry's Interview is clickable here.

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You Can Also Follow Perry On
Twitter and Facebook

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The Book of Genesis as Condensed and Revised for Humanists




1) In the beginning a burst of intense energy and an explosion of particle matter created the Sun and the Earth among billions of other celestial bodies throughout the known universe.

2)  And the Earth was without form and void and the Rotation of the Earth around the Sun, as personified such that it hypothetically possessed the capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let there be light” and there was light.

 3) And the Rotation of the Earth metaphorically saw it was good: and the Rotation of the Earth divided the light from the darkness. And the Rotation of the Earth metaphorically called the light Day, and the darkness Night.

4) And the evening and the morning of countless eons upon eons as condensed into one week for the purpose of understanding the proportionality of time were the first Suppositional Day.


5) And the operating principles of Geology, Hydrology, and Rock and Soil   
Erosion, as personified such that they hypothetically possessed the  capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together unto one place (Editor’s Note: “one place” was originally used for simplicity's  sake; actually ”multiple places”), and let the dry land appear, and metaphorically called the dry land Earth and the gathering together of the waters called Seas.

6) And the Operating Principles of Geology, Hydrology, and Rock and Soil Erosion metaphorically saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the second Suppositional Day.



7) And the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Botany, Zoology, Cetology, Ichthyology, and Ornithology), as personified such they hypothetically possessed the capabilities of speech, sight, and the blessing of  living things, metaphorically said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit whose seed is in itself, upon the Earth," and it was so.

8) And Process of Evolution metaphorically said, “Let the waters bring forth  the moving creatures that hath life, fowl that may fly above the earth, great whales, cattle, and beasts of the field and that creepeth on the earth, and metaphorically blessed them, metaphorically saying “Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas and multiply on the earth.”

9) And the evenings and the mornings were the third, fourth and fifth Suppositional Days.


10) And on the sixth Suppositional Day, the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Psychology, Sociology, and Human Sexuality as prominently researched by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, as personified such that they hypothetically possessed the capabilities of creation, speech, sight, and the blessing of living things, metaphorically created man and woman in an image patterned after no one in particular, metaphorically blessed them, and metaphorically said onto them:“Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Earth!”


11) And on the seventh Suppositional Day, the Rotation of the Earth around the Sun, the Principles of Geology, Hydrology, Rock and Soil Erosion, and the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Ecology, Botany, Zoology, Cetology, Ichthyology, Ornithology, Psychology, Sociology, and Human Sexuality as prominently researched by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson), as personified such that they all hypothetically possessed the capability to rest, metaphorically kicked back and relaxed.

12) Which concept, even metaphorically, is kind of wacky!

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And for more expert Biblical commentary, please turn to Page 1 in your Prayer Books and read silently while I read aloud.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

He's the Lone Lawyer, Masked Man!

  

"Kemosabe, the Butch Cavendish Gang is coming!  We’ve got to open fire now. Oh no, Kemosabe is talking to….”

“Michael Avenatti, Masked Man!  Pleased to meet you."

“Why are you here, partner?”

"I'm an attorney from the future, and I'm everywhere."

"But why here with me and Tonto?"

“Ranger, I’ve come to tell you that a man named Michael Cohen is claiming to Russian oligarchs that he owns your silver mine!” 

“That’s plumb wrong! But how did you get here from the future?”

“There isn’t time to explain, I’ve got something called The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson to appear on next."

“Excuse me, kemosabe, but we must stop Cavendish now!”

“Tonto, this fella is telling me that some bad man named Michael Cohen claims he own my silver mill.”

“Me know.  Me talk to Michael this morning."

“You did?"

“Yes, Ranger, I appeared with Jake Tapper, then Lawrence O'Donnell, then traveled back in time to appear with Tonto and then you to inform you both about a horrible president named Trump. Next to him Andrew Johnson was a pussycat!"  

“And Michael explain that this Trump have sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, and Michael Cohen use your silver mine to funnel hush money to Ms. Daniels.”

“Tonto, what is a porn star?”

“You been alone on prairie too long, kemosabe.  Me explain birds and the bees later.”

“Ranger, you’ll have to take it from here.  After the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson I’m appearing at a Bar Mitzvah to explain money laundering to young Seth.”

“Thank you, Mr. Avenatti. What can I do for you?”

“I could use some transportation to the future, Masked Man.”

“You can borrow my horse!”

“Here come Butch Cavendish!”

“Masked Man, Tonto, I’m a reformed man!”

“How did that happen, Cavendish?”

“Michael Avennati told me about this disgusting man named Trump.  No way I want to be like him!”

“Mr. Avenatti talked to you too?!”

“Yes, on the Butch Cavendish Hour. He appeared along with Horace Greeley.”

“Farewell now, Mr. Avenatti!”

“Godspeed.”

“I’m off, everyone. Too bad you won’t get to see me on Sesame Street tomorrow!”

“Tonto, Cavendish, who is Michael Avenatti anyway?”

“Don’t you know, Ranger?”

“No.”

 “He’s the Lone Lawyer, Masked Man!”

“Hi–ho Silver away!!!”

“But, Kemosabe, he never alone for very long.”

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Monday, May 14, 2018

"Even More Ways that I, Donald J. Trump, am Better than Obama"


  

"Even More Ways I'm Better than Obama"



"Sean Hannity likes me best."

"My hands are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Has Obama ever given Putin a sponge bath?"

"Obama comes from Kenya while I, a true blue American, don't even know where on the map of South America Kenya is!"

"A family of egrets is living in my hair. Obama only has some mild dandruff."

"I'll bet Obama hasn't even banged one porn star!"

"Not only did I insult John McCain I insulted every POW in history. Obama never even insulted John McCain."

"I've aged so much better than Obama."

"My ears are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Obama's only had one wife. I've had three!"

"Rodrigo Duterte likes me best."

"Did Obama ever get two birdies back to back on Martin Luther King Day?" 

"I've banged Melania one more time than Obama has."

"Obama failed at Middle East peace, but my move of the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem couldn't have gone better!"

"Obama couldn’t manage a Russian Reset. I’m going to pull off a Russian Regret!"

"Wait til you hear me sing Amazing Grace!"

"Everything about me is smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Kim Jong-un likes me best.  I just know he will!"

"Obama ever found a University named after him?"

"Have you ever heard Obama say anything as bi-partisan as There were very fine people on both sides?"

"I know how to have WAY more fun in Moscow than Obama does." 

"Sean Hannity likes me best. Oh shit, I used that one already!

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Saturday, May 12, 2018

Podcast Perry II



I’ve found that one of the most effective ways to gain exposure to sell my book Perry Block – Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is by appearing on podcasts.

Recently I was privileged to do three podcasts in one day.

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“Howdy folks, this is Farm, Fields, and Manure, your podcast about the milkin' cow life.  I’m your host, Clem Fairweather. We's have a special guest today Mr. Perry Block, a city feller, who's gonna tell us about a book he's written."

"Thanks, Clem.  Its' a pleasure to be here.  Uhh, what's that smell, Clem?" 

"Horse shit.  It's a common smell around a farm."

"How..uh .. nice."

"You get to like it when you grow up on a farm.  Now here's a present we give to all guests on our show, Peery."

"Thank you. An ear of corn. With bites taken out of it."

"Ha! I didn't notice Ol' Betsy took a few bites.  Heh-heh-heh."

"Ol' Betsy. Your horse?"

"No, me wife! Now Peery you're the first JEW! we ever had on Farm, Fields, and Manure.  Lemme ask you something I've always wondered about."

"Sure."

"Where are your horns?"

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From there it was over to You're in Focus, a podcast run by photographer Marv Clickson, who took my photograph for the back cover of my book.

"Perry Block is here to talk about his new book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute," said Marv.  "Welcome, Perry!"

"Thank you, Marv."

"You know, folks, I took Perry’s picture for the cover of his book.”

"Actually it was the back cover, Marv.  Anyway, my book is about a Baby Boomer who's struggling to deal with the advancing..."

"Excuse me, Perry, but looking at you again, I'm just amazed at the job I did making you look palatable!"

"Yeah, you did great.  Now my book is kind of a ..."

"You have those sunken eyes, enormous nose, blotches all over your skin. Fixing you up is a tribute to my photographic skills!"

"Umm ... getting back to my book."

"Let me explain the technique I used, folks. I had to use a new kind of filter called "Aging Douche Control"“...
  
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Finally I was scheduled for a podcast the promised a true opportunity to wax eloquent about my book and maybe pot a few sales. It was called Book Blatherings. 

"This is Matthew Stephenson for Book Batherings. A warm hello to book lovers everywhere. And a warm hello to Perry Block, who is our guest today.

"Thank you Matthew, I very much look forward to discussing my book today on your very book-centric show.

"Who are your favorite authors, Perry?"
"I like Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Joyce, and of course Shakespeare."

"Ah Shakespeare! Shakespeare the Bard! Will of Avon!

"What plays do you love?"

"Umm ... I very much like Julius Caesar.  King Lear next.   But aren't we here to talk about my book?”

“Let’s recite some Shakespeare together, Perry, shall we?  How about some King Lear?”

  “But … but … but…”

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.

   “Great, Matthew… but ... but ... ”

   “And now Act I, Scene I of Julius Caesar!” 


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Well, folks, maybe not today,  but tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, I’ll give it all another shot.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial



The Steering Wheel Dial.

If the term hasn’t been coined yet, let’s coin it now.
We’re all familiar with the Pocket Dial.
That’s when your cell phone bumps against the side of your pocket and embarrassingly dials the number of one of your friends who is annoyed as hell because it’s 3:30 AM.

And he doesn’t like you enough to want to hear from you any time of day.
The Steering Wheel Dial takes embarrassment a step further, occurring when your hands knock against the buttons on your steering wheel linking your Bluetooth phone to the car’s audio rather than when you inadvertently shift your weight a half centimeter in your seat.
In other words, unlike the relatively innocent Pocket Dial, a Steering Wheel Dial is all your fault! 

“Hello, Perry?"
“Oh, gee Farbman, I didn’t mean to call you.”
“Oh, it was a Pocket Dial? Well, they happen, don’t they?”
“Yes, they do. But this one … um … happened to be a Steering Wheel Dial.
“Steering Wheel Dial!  That you should be able to avoid.”
“Really?” 
“Of course!  Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel is all.”
“My hands do tend to slide a bit."
“Please be careful! I’m trying to take a nap.”

Fifteen minutes later:
“You again?!!” 
“Yeah, uh, Farbman, I had a sharp right turn around train tracks and …”
“Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel like I said!”
“I tried, but my hands slide!”
“Don’t let them!  Have some self-control!”
“I’ve never been good at that.”
“Look, dude, a Pocket Dial is inadvertent, not your fault. But you should be able to control your hands long enough so you don’t Steering Wheel Dial me every five minutes!”
“Actually it’s more like every 15 minutes.”
“Keep your hands still.  You’re not milking a cow!”

Wanting no more embarrassment from my Steering Wheel Dial  I reviewed Farbman’s counsel over and over in my mind:
"Keep my hands up high. Don’t let them slide.  I'm not milking a cow.”

Fifteen minutes later:
“Goddamnit, Perry! Again with the fucking Steering Wheel Dial!!!
“Farbman, I was just in a terrible accident!”
“Terrible accident, you say?”
“Yeah, they freed me with the jaws of life! I’m being taken away now in an ambulance!”
“You’re in an ambulance now?”
“There’s no telling how badly I’m hurt!”
“But your hands, Perry. Tell me about your hands!”
“They’re all bloody and throbbing and I can’t feel …”
“But they are off the steering wheel, right?”
“Right.”
“Good.  I’ll call you after my nap.”


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And so, folks: 


Keep your hands up high. Don’t let them slide.  You're not milking a cow. 
That is, if you want to avoid The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial!

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Tuesday, May 1, 2018

You Can Skip Ad in Five Seconds, But Why Would You?





Here's why, by percentage:
                                                                                       
7.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it makes them feel gutsy even though they still sleep with a night light.

5.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because there is no Premium Option  to skip ad in four seconds.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because to the best of their ability to  determine in five seconds there are not going to be any tits in the ad. 

13% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is narrated by Susan Sarandon -  like the one for Tylenol -  whose dogged support of Bernie and failure to embrace Clinton once he was out of the race helped stick us with Trump and therefore she is a fucking bitch! 

2.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have to pee. 


0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and the ad isn't very interesting anyway.

2% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Scientology and Scientology just ain't any fun anymore now that Leah Remini isn't there.

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they also skip to my Lou.

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is almost time for shul.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have been commanded to skip ad in five seconds by Lord Sandor, the Ruler. 

8.5% -  People who skip ad in five seconds because given the day they are having there is just no way there are going to be tits in the ad even if they watch it all the way through.

0.7 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because what are you going to do about it, Pilgrim?

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and they're a  wee bit curious about it, even though they are Jews like us. 

24% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they are impatient assholes.

4.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they've finally had it with Flo from Progressive.

5.2% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is for Wayfair and they find it unsettling that some people dance around like idiots because they ordered a sofa.

.2 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because a sexual partner is waiting for them. In other words, not you.


Note: Total of percentages above may not equal 100% because of rounding and very poor math skills.


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Monday, April 30, 2018

Next, Michelle Wolf Headlines at the Bar Mitzvah of Elliot Grossman















It is a pleasure to have been invited to headline this evening at the Bar Mitzvah of young Elliot Grossman. I’m comedian Michelle Wolf.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Robert Grossman for having watched me at the White House Correspondents dinner and deciding that my brand of humor was just perfect for a group of Jews spanning the age bracket from 6 to 97.  I can’t decide if you two are admiringly liberal or just plain nuts.

And there they are the two of them at the head table: the proud parents, Robert and Estelle Grossman! Getting a little paunchy there, aren’t we Robert?  And Estelle, judging by your hair and make-up I take it you’re the one in the family who has the money.  Am I right?

Robert’s secretary Annie Aimsworth is also with us too. Where are you Amy?  Ahh, yes!  Conveniently seated toward the back of the room with your clearly gay co-worker Ralph, pretending he’s your boyfriend. You two look very unconvincing.

Are Robert Grossman and Amy having an affair, you ask. Those two have been under the desk more often than well-chewed gum. But one thing I have to say for Mr. Grossman; he’s the best at delivering fake news since Sandra Huckabee Sanders.

 “I never collude with my wife anymore,” he’s told Amy. Sure. I was walking by their house last night and judging by all the squealing I heard those two were either colluding like Trump and Putin or eating some unbelievably under-cooked roast pig, which I doubt because they’re Kosher.

Then he told her “I love you.” Sure, he loves her!  He loves her like he loves the Philadelphia Eagles: he gets very excited once a week and the rest of the week he spends thinking about who he can acquire who’s younger.

I can’t get into the third instance of Robert’s fake news to Amy because it's so gross it wouldn’t even be appropriate for a White House Correspondents dinner!  You might be able to guess it.

And now let’s talk about Elliot who is today participating in a Jewish tradition that dates back thousands of years in which a 13 year old Jewish boy gets to say “Today I am a man.”  Looking at this kid, I’d say it’ll probably be another thousand years before he actually is a man. Did you ever she such acne? He’s far more likely to attract a dermatologist than a nice Jewish girl.

What’s that, Uncle Morris?”

Didn’t Elliot do a great job chanting his haftarah? Look, Morrie ... May I call you Morrie? ... Cher he’s not. His voice cracked more than the ice on a pond you blunder onto in winter. Talk about paunchy,  your belly could serve as a fun trampoline for the entire Trump Administration!

Well, folks, that brings me to the end of my set. I know some of you might complain that I went over the top and was offensive.  But then this isn’t our nation’s politics I’m screwing with here, it’s just one Jewish family!

Speaking of Jewish families, would you like to hear some material about Jared “Peace in the Middle East” Kushner and Ivanka “Fake Tits” Trump?

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