Thursday, August 9, 2012

Super Mitt, Olympics Savior!

Kristi Yamaguchi:   Mitt Romney brought a huge sense of hope to the 2002 Olympics. If it weren't for him, today I'd be waiting tables at some dive in a nondescript suburb of Philadelphia,  getting groped by overage losers like Perry Block. 

Jimmy Shea:  Mitt gets things done. He changed my life.  If it weren't for him,  I'd be pimping, dealing crack, and making loud inconsiderate noises in the public library.

Yes, when the 20o2 Olympics Games were in great danger, the call went out to: 

Faster than a speeding bullet!

More Powerful than a locomotive!

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!
(And then purchase them and lay off half the workforce.)

Look up in the sky!  It's a bird!  It's a plane!  
(No, it's a dog on top af a car.)

It's Super Mitt!

Yes, it's Super Mitt, strange visitor from another planet.
(You can say that again!)

Who came to Earth with powers far beyond those of mortal men.
(Especially the power to buy and dismember companies like mortal men buy and dismember fish.) 

Who can bend steel in his bare hands.
(And invest in it too, at distressed prices.)

Change the course of mighty rivers! 
(And decry the New Deal, whose dam building made changing the course of mighty rivers an unnecessary dumb ass power.) 

And who, disguised as Mitt Romney, anything but mild-mannered CEO of a great metropolitan equity investment firm, fights a never-ending battle for 

Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
(As interpreted by a vocal and lunatic fringe of the Republican Party.)


"Super Mitt, thank God you're here!" 

"No need to thank God.  Just thank me - Super Mitt!  It's the same thing."

"Super Mitt, the Olympics are mired in debt!  What can you do?"

"If there's debt, we have to make draconian cuts in the budget.  We'll eliminate certain Olympic events." 

"Which events, Super Mitt?"

"Skiing, skating, ice hockey, ski jumping,  and snowboarding.  That's about it."

"What does that leave us with?"

"Curling.  Everybody loves Curling!"

"But, Super Mitt, that'll fly about as well as any one of your typical public statements."

"Okay, then we'll have to pare down the number of Olympians."

"Who can we pare down?"

"Well,  that annoying Kristi Yamaguchi for one.   Oh, and Jimmy Shea - what a moron!"

"No, Super Mitt, people want to see them."

"Well, we're not going to raise taxes on any millionaires to host the Olympics!"

"No one's suggesting that, Super Mitt."

"See that?  Super Mitt to the rescue!  Of millionaires!"

"Super Mitt, do you want to save the Olympics or not?!!"

"Yes.  And no."

"But you're talking out of both sides of your mouth!

"That is my greatest super power!" 

Despite all this, Super Mitt flew into action and did apparently  do a pretty decent job of getting the Salt Lake City Olympics back on track.

But why not?  He's a strange visitor from another planet.
(You can say that again!)



Winonah said...

I see the problem. Super Mitt is way more direct and honest than Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. People must think you're talking about another Mitt Romney.

Perry Block said...

I wonder if some people read the headline and saw the picture at the top and thought it was a pro-Romney piece!

Thanks for writing, Winonah.

And in a word, HOT!