Saturday, February 25, 2017

235 Trillion Miles to Earth (So Better Fill Up)

Lena?  Is that you?

Last week the world’s scientific community was ablaze with excitement as it was announced that seven planets which might possibly harbor life had been located in a nearby solar system some 40 light years from Earth.

Okay, so 40 light years from Earth may not sound all that nearby, but in terms of distances in the universe it’s little more than Sunday in the Park with Zontar.  So, I called my friend Stan Stellar, head of the Planetarium at the University of Havertown PA, to find out what's next following this amazing discovery.

"Next we train our most ultra-sensitive telescopes upon the seven planets,” he said.

“How sensitive are the telescopes?”

“The most advanced of them cry whenever they’re shown An Affair to Remember.”

“That is sensitive!  But what are we hoping to find?”

“We are attempting to determine if the essential building blocks of life are present on any or all of planets.”

“What are the essential building blocks of life?" I asked.

"Oxygen, hydrogen, and pornography."

"Gee, I guess it must be really difficult to locate the pornography."

“Oh, no, not at all, especially for those planets which we suspect may be populated with teenage boys. It's the oxygen and hydrogen we have difficulty with."

“So, Stan, if you locate the building blocks of life, does that mean there is life as we know it?”
"No, Perry, we can only make that determination definitively if we detect that somebody there has put out the recycling.”

My curiosity was really engaged now. 

“What kind of beings would exist on such a planet?”  I asked.

“We don't know.  They may be 
beings similar to us or monstrously grotesque creatures from out of your most horrific nightmares.  Sort of like Lena Dunham, for example, but dressed.”

“One more question, Stan:  Is it possible that there’s a parallel Donald Trump on any of these planets?”

“We can’t rule that out, but we don’t think so.”

“How come you don't think so?”

“We haven't seen any mass migration of terrified aliens from any of the planets with their green 12-fingered hands all over their ears."

“Well, then sign me up!”

"Perry ... it's 235 trillion miles away."

"I'll make us some sandwiches!  You like mustard or mayo?" 


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Trump Costing Jewish Comedy Writers Thousands of Jobs

Donald Trump has claimed emphatically that he is “the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever seen in your entire life.”

Yet Trump has now been unmistakably identified by all 17 United States Intelligence agencies as the direct cause of the loss of thousands of jobs held by Jews throughout the United States and the world.

Since Trump’s election, talk show hosts and stand-up comics have directed their mirth-making attention towards the President because the jokes practically write themselves.  And with the emergence of self-writing jokes, Jewish comedy writers have become obsolete and are now being fired by the tens of thousands.

Jews working for The Late Show Starring Steven Colbert, Late Night with Seth Meyers, The Daily Show, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and Full Frontal with Samantha Bee have all been sacked.  (No writers have lost jobs with The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon because the show sucks and had employed no Jews.) Judd Apatow, Woody Allen, and Mel Brooks have all filed for bankruptcy and Larry David has gone into hiding to escape irate creditors

And what does President Trump have to say about all this misery and strife being visited upon the Jewish people? Today Trump tweeted:

The "intelligence" services and Fake News have said I caused all these problems, but as usual they lied.  It wasn't me.  It was ....

The Jews!


My thanks to Samantha Bee, whose original line "Jokes don't write themselves. Jokes are written by Jews" inspired this post.

Monday, February 20, 2017

The Least Anti-Semitic Person You've Ever Seen

I was watching Donald Trump’s impromptu press conference last week, and I heard a young Orthodox reporter ask the President a question about anti-Semitism.

"Number one,” replied Mr. Trump, ”I am the least anti-Semitic person you've ever seen in your entire life.”

How about that? Mr. Trump is the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life!   I never knew that.   

But wait a minute.  That must mean everybody else I‘ve ever seen in my entire life is anti-Semitic!  At least somewhat.   

I came downstairs to the kitchen and my son Brandon was sitting at the table.

“Just what anti-Semitic schemes are you busily hatching, kid?” I snarled.

“What are you talking about, Dad?” 

“I never realized you disliked Jews, Brandon.  What have the Chosen People ever done to you?"

“What are you saying? I’m Jewish just like you.”

“Well, you may be Jewish, but you’re not as not anti-Semitic as President Trump.  President Trump is the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life."  

“Dad, you’re crazy.”

“No wonder you always get three out of the Four Questions wrong every Passover," I snapped, and stormed out of the house. 

But as soon as I got outside I noticed something I never realized before.

Everywhere I looked there were people who were not less anti-Semitic than Donald Trump! My neighbor Mr. Lieberman, the lady down the street Mrs. Schwartz, young Danny Feldman on his way to school, the Reisman’s dog Hymie ---- virulent Jew haters all!

Now I was truly terrified.  I drove directly to the synagogue, I desperately needed to see Rabbi Debbie King.

“Rabbi King!   Rabbi King!” I shouted running into the Temple Building.

She heard me and came out of her office.

“Yes, is that you, Perry Block?”

 “Yes, it is, Rabbi.”

“How can I help you, Perry?”

“Rabbi, everywhere I look I see ….


“Everywhere I look I see ….


“Why, Rabbi King, you anti-Semitic bastard you!”

The world is and has always been a perilous place for us Jews. Thank goodness for Donald Trump, the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life!


Friday, February 10, 2017

Trump Furious that Circle Got the Square

"I'll take Jake Tapper to block, Peter." 

For once President Donald Trump was pleased with cable news channel CNN.

"I was delighted that CNN is adopting a Hollywood Squares format," said Trump "even though the CNN panels look different those on the original show with the great Peter Marshall."

But then Trump picked Paul Begala in the Center Square to win.

"When Paul Begala was asked true or false 'The decision on Trump's immigration ban was the worst legal decision in history' and he answered 'False' and host Anderson Cooper agreed, I knew the answers were coming straight from the failing New York Times!"

"I should have gotten my circle in the square to win the game. Terrible!  Dumb!" 

“Then I picked Gloria Borger to block," added Trump "and she was asked true or false 'there were millions of fraudulent and illegal votes against Donald Trump in the last election' and she said 'False' and Anderson Cooper agreed.

The real Hollywood Squares never lied to the American people like that!

"Where are Charley Weaver and Paul Lynde when you need them?" 


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Trump Attacks Immigrant Nordstrom Founder

President Trump lashed out today at Nordstrom’s for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s clothing and accessories line, placing the blame squarely on immigration to the United States.

"It was all the fault of an 1887 immigrant to the United States named John W. Nordstrom!" said Trump. 

“Had there been a ban back then on immigrants into the United States from the outlaw nations of Iraq, Somalia, Iran, Libya, Sudan, Syria, Yemen, and Sweden, “Ivanka would not have been treated as horribly as she has been by Nordstrom’s because Nordstrom's would have been a true-blue American store like Armstrong's or Trump's!"

“Instead, bad actors like John Nordstrom flooded into the United States, made fortunes through hard work instead of by inheriting them, and founded department stores for the express purpose of committing acts of terror against beautiful and sexy owners of fine clothing and accessory lines like my daughter Ivanka!  


"If they had had Donald J. Trump Extreme Vetting back then," added Trump, "a dishonest loser like Nordstrom would have been exposed and returned to Sweden to found Ikea."


Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Punxsutawny Phil's Bold Prediction


It’s February 2, 2017, and as usual all eyes today are on the small town of Punxsutawny PA. Every year folks flock to this hamlet in central Pennsylvania to get a good look at America’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawny Phil. 

Yes, it's Groundhog Day, the day Punxsutawny Phil pokes his head out of his burrow and makes a prediction as to what all of us are going to experience in the days and weeks ahead.

If the groundhog sees his shadow, there will be four more years of Trump.  If he does not, there will be an early impeachment.

As hopeful crowds converge on Punxsutawny this morning, rumors circulate that the town's city fathers have been piping MSNBC into Phil's burrow. Why not encourage the most favorable result possible?

Okay, now, here comes Phil.  SHIT!  

He's wearing a "Make America Great Again" cap.