Superman's New Power

The makers of the soon to premiere motion picture Man of Steel have promised a major reboot reboot of the Superman legend this time around and who can blame them?   The last Superman film, Superman Returns, was a clunker, among its various sins the featuring of an actor so uncharismatic as the Man of Steel that not only were you rooting for Lex Luthor to knock him off with Kryptonite, you wanted to aid and abet Kevin Spacey in doing the deed yourself!

Changes to the Superman cannon in the upcoming film have been closely guarded, but rumors include the non-destruction of the planet Krypton, a "Jenny Olson," and an actress who is actually talented and good-looking in the role of Lois Lane, notwithstanding the best Lois ever, Noel Neill. But we have now learned that the most major change of all is the addition of a dramatic new power in the arsenal of Superman  capabilities!

Starting on June 14, the strange visitor from another planet whose powers are far beyond those of normal men will now also possess the incredible ability to  

Make a great cup of coffee first time, every time!

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"Superman, incredibly aromatic and delicious as always!  We'll be able to stop Luthor's plan to rule the world easily now,  thank you!"

"UP,  UP and AWAY!"

"Where are you off to now, Superman?"

"Off to make super coffee for SEAL Team Six, the CIA, and the Democratic Party. Of course, to help the Democrats I'm going to have to make several pots!"

*******

"Superman, Starbucks is threatening to take over Metropolis!  They're opening a new franchise here every 15 minutes!"

"Don't worry, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny!  I'm building a new franchise called "Coffee by Krypton" serving  my special Fortress of Solitude blend! There I'm using my X-Ray Vision to create WIFI wherever there is no Starbucks!"

"Hurray, Superman!  Metropolis is saved!"

"Not yet, Jenny! To truly vanquish Starbucks,  I'll need all my strength to serve hip artistic sensibilities along with the coffee!"

*******

"Oh my God, Superman,  these beans have not yet been ground!  How can we fight the alien invasion without great coffee?!"

"Never worry, General!   I can grind the beans with my super strength in an instant. I'll just grab them in the  palm of my hand and squeeze tightly, the same way I take a lump of coal and make ... Damn!

"What's happening, Superman?  

"I keep turning them into diamonds!"

*******

"It's Kryptonite, Mr. White!  It's sapping Superman's strength.  His coffee is weak and tepid, hardly robust at all!"

"Must ... measure better.  Must ... pour longer.   Must ...must ...  scoop stronger!"

"Quick, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny!  Wrap the Kryptonite in lead or the earth is doomed!  Or at least stuck drinking Lex Luthor Latte from now on!"  

*******

"What is it, Lois?"

"You know,  Jenny,  Clark's never around when Superman shows up and he looks exactly like Superman with glasses.  Also I've had sex with both of them and neither was exactly good to the last drop, if you catch my drift."

"Lois, that's ridiculous! Clark doesn't even post about coffee on Facebook, unheard of for a writer!" 

"Well, I'm going to try something right now.  Clark, get me a cup of coffee, will you?"

"Sure, Lois!  Sanka, Maxwell House, or freeze-dried?"

"Next time I talk such nonsense, Jenny,  trade me to Aquaman!

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Of course whether movie audiences will readily wrap themselves up in the Man of Steel's mighty red cape is yet to be seen,  but one thing is for sure, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny: whether the new Superman truly is more powerful than a locomotive or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, he certainly will have the power to make us all go faster than a speeding bullet! 

And for those of us who love coffee, that's nothing less than Super, man!

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If you liked this post, you might also like Why Superman Hasn't Saved You Lately From Marauding Aliens,  Why Superman Doesn't Need a Secret Identity, and The Next Dark Knight Rising.

If you hated this post, I hope Superman serves you Sanka first time, every time.

Why Superman Doesn't Need A Secret Identity

 Superman, cut that crap out!

It's an issue that's been hotly debated since he first burst upon the scene in Action Comics # 1 in 1938.  Why does Superman need a secret identity? And where did he come up with the goofy name "Clark?"

A multiplicity of reasons  have been advanced for Superman's possessing a secret identity over the years, including:

1)   There's only one Superman costume and the guy can't exactly hang around in his underwear until pick up on Thursday (Wednesday, on fast service), can he?

2)   He likes lookin' smart, lookin' sharp in a three piece suit, and  

3)   He actually is nearsighted, which means we're all in grave danger 50% of our lives because Superman can't tell Jimmy Olson from the Olsen Twins!

But forget all that!  Truth is Superman doesn't need a secret identity at all.  In fact, by hanging on to the Clark Kent alter ego he's squandering precious time he could be using to make life a hell of a lot better for you, me, and the entire planet!

Batman needs a secret identity.  It was Bruce Wayne who witnessed his parents' murder, who devoted his life to fighting evil and injustice, and who hangs around Sunday afternoon watching football, drinking beer, and yelling at the television.  Batman is the fiction, Bruce Wayne the legitimate guy. 

But Superman began life as Ka-El from Krypton, not Clark Kent. Superman is the real deal, and Clark Kent the figment of our imaginations.  

And it's about time somebody clued this Super-Dense Super-Dolt Superman in! 

"Clark ... umm ... something I wanted to mention. Not that it's important or anything ..."

"Yes, what is it, Jimmy?"

"Lex Luthor is destroying all of Metropolis this afternoon.  There's wars in the Middle East and starvation in Africa.  There's crime, pestilence,  and disease raging throughout the world,  and three more Nicolas Cage movies have just come out."

"So?"

"You're Superman, you idiot!  Get on it!"

"What?!!  How do you know who I am?!!!"

"Clark,  ever since 1938 those ridiculous glasses haven't fooled a soul." 

"Well, do you think if I went to that glasses, nose,  and mustache ensemble, it would  make me look too Jewish?"

"Clark, aliens are right now crating up the blue states for transport to their home planet!  Can we get cracking here?"

"Sorry, Jimmy, I've got a couple of articles to finish first.  These stories about the new zoning laws won't write themselves."  

"Please, Clark ... Rick Santorum is about to get the nomination for President!!!"

"I'm backed up with filing too." 

"Clark, you don't need a secret identity!"

"Yes, I do, Jimmy.  Without a secret identity, my friends would be in great danger if my enemies knew I was Superman."   

"Clark, you hang out with the same three people as Superman as you do with Clark Kent! Everybody knows who we are.  Somebody tries to kill us every week!"

"Sorry, I've got a lunch date with Lois.  Y'know, if I play my cards right ..."

"Clark, you've been shtupping Lois as Superman for the last 17 years!"

"Sorry, Jimmy, I've got reservations.  Say, did you call Batman?"

"Can't get him either."

"Why not?"

"Bruce Wayne's at NASCAR all week." 

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