Groundhog Day II

II

Cast

Phil Connors                           Rita Hanson

Larry the Camera Man             Ned Ryerson

The Piano Teacher                   Sonny & Cher

Alarm Clock Clicking Sound

SCENE ONE

Phil Connors is in bed asleep in his hotel room in Punxatawney PA. 

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio)

They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow ...

I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

Phil gets up, yawns, and stretches.

PHIL

It's Groundhog Day. I’ve got to get to work.

Phil leaves room, grabs two cups of coffee and Danish, and meets Rita and Larry at Gobbler's Knob.

RITA

Phil, over here, we're setting up for our shot of Punxatawney Phil.

PHIL
Here you go, Rita and Larry! I've brought you coffee and Danish. 

LARRY
Take your coffee and Danish and shove it, Phil!

PHIL

Why, Larry?

LARRY
It took 83 Groundhog Days for you to think to bring it to us, jerk!

PHIL

But, Larry ... Rita ... how do you know that?

RITA
Phil, we know you're living the same day over and over again!  You're able to continuously improve yourself every day and you don't get any older. Who'd you have to shtup to get a deal like that anyway?

PHIL

Well, I didn't actually...

RITA
Why did you get this arrangement?  Why not someone deserving like Abraham Lincoln? Mother Teresa?  Why not Larry and me?!

LARRY

Get the hell out of here, Phil!

Perplexed, Phil goes back to his room and back to bed.  

SCENE TWO

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio):
… I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

PHIL (startled)

Oh! Another Groundhog Day!

Phil gets up, leaves hotel room, and goes into town. 

PHIL

Ned!  Ned Ryerson, the insurance man.  Come on over, buddy!

NED

Fuck you, Phil!

PHIL
Why, Ned?

NED

It took you 126 Groundhog Days until you acknowledged me! And only because you were desperate for insurance against attack by people pissed off by the sweet Groundhog Day deal you got.  

PHIL
All right, Ned, I'll buy more insurance. Life. Health. Pet. I'll insure a boat and I don't even have one, I get seasick!

NED

And when are you going to pay me for the policies you already bought? Let me guess: Tomorrow? Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

PHIL
But ... but... but...

NED
Get the hell out of here, Phil!

Very upset, Phil goes back to his room but almost as soon as he lies down ...

SCENE THREE

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio):

… I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

PHIL (Flustered, hands over his head)

Another Groundhog Day!  They're coming faster than ever!

Phil stumbles out of room, sits down next to piano teacher, and starts playing.

PIANO TEACHER

Mr. Connors, I have to say your piano playing sucks.  Next to you, ABBA sounds good.

PHIL
But this is just my first lesson with you.  I can't be expected to...

PIANO TEACHER

First lesson?  Try 137^th lesson! Everybody knows you repeat Groundhog Day over and over again!

PHIL
But I try to improve myself a little each day.

`

PIANO TEACHER

By playing piano? Why aren't you doing something to benefit humanity! At 1,237 Groundhog Days you should be Batman by now!

PHIL
Well, I tried that, I looked bad in tights.

PIANO TEACHER

Get the hell out of here, Mr. Connors!

Crazed, Phil lurches back into his room. Almost immediately ... 

SCENE FOUR

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio):

… I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

PHIL (exasperated, arms flailing)

No! No! Not another goddamn Groundhog Day!

Phil staggers out of the room to Rita. He shows her a large ice sculpture of her face.

PHIL (hopefully)

Look, Rita, I've made a lovely ice sculpture of your face.

RITA (sneering)
Terrific, Phil.  You've received the greatest gift ever bestowed upon a human being, and you play in the ice and snow!

PHIL

But it's for you!

RITA

2,034 Groundhog Day do-overs and you're building snowmen? Why aren't you at least Batman by now?

PHIL

I may not be Batman, but I did save Brian Doyle-Murray from choking.

RITA

Big deal. What movies has he been in lately? 

PHIL

But Rita, I love you!

RITA

Really?  Ever think it might have helped if sometime during all these thousands of Groundhog Days …

PHIL

Yes, Rita?

RITA

You took a fucking shower?!

SONNY & CHER (walking on stage)

I got you, babe!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Man - Trumpian Candidate

Been reminded lately of a great movie we've all seen called The Manchurian Candidate?

Thought so.

Starring Frank Sinatra and Laurence Harvey, The Manchurian Candidate tells a tale in which the Russians plant a clueless operative in the United States to destroy democracy. Same thing in real life, except here the Russians have planted an idiotic douche bag in the United States who's best quality is being clueless to destroy democracy.  

All that’s missing is Angela Lansbury.

Until now.

“You can’t deny me entrance to the Oval Office!  I’m Mrs. Johnny Iselin, Raymond’s, I mean Donald’s mother.”

“But, Mrs. Iselin, President Trump is very busy …”

“Nonsense, you idiot!  He’s probably busy salivating over that tart Erin Burnett on fake news channel CNN!”

“Why, Mother!  What a pleasant surprise!”

“Why, this is a pleasant surprise, Raymond, I mean, Donald!  I thought you were masturbating to fake news, but you’re with your Vladimir Putin blow-up doll. Good!”

“Mother, why must you always put me down?”

"Because you're a stupid, ignorant, boorish, disgusting, narcissistic clown! In a good way. And perfect for manipulation by our Russian handlers."

"Chelsea Handler?"

"Did I mention stupid?" 

"Why are you here, Mother?"

"Because it's time to play a little cards, Raymond, I mean Donald."

"Why?"

"Because you've developed a fantasy I must eradicate before it destroys our plans to destroy America."

"Okay. Solitaire, mother?"

"Heavens no, Donald, you're way too dumb to understand the rules to Solitaire. We're playing Old Maid."

"Okay, deal!  Shit, I got the Old Maid again! And she's so ugly she makes comedy writer Bruce Vilanch look like Scarlett Johansson!"

"Now listen to me, Donald: you will forget this recent fantasy of yours and concentrate on turning America into the Borscht Capital of the World!"

"Whatever you want, Mother. I'll do your bidding ...  that is, your bidding  on The New Price is Right!   Goodbye, Mother."

"Hey, kid!  Hey, 71 year old, kid!  I saw your mother just leaving. I need to talk to you now."

"Why, it's Frank Sinatra, playing Captain Bennett Marco!  Doo Be Doo Be Doo, Frank!

"Oh, man!  Did somebody mention stupid?"

"What do you want to talk about, Frank?" 

"Let's play a little cards, kid."

"As long as it doesn't require reading."

"Let's see what we can do, kid." 

"Look at the cards, Raymond ... I mean, Donald: 52 ugly old maids. They make comedy writer Bruce Vilanch look like Scarlett Johansson. And each one of these old maids is telling you "you grab my pussy, you'll get a knitting needle up your ass.’ 

They're also telling you it’s over!  The links are smashed. Which is a shame because I felt like hitting the links and playing golf tomorrow!" 

"Why, Frank, I see it all clearly now!  I will resign tomorrow!" 

"Good, kid, good!"

"And I will resign like no one has ever seen before! Under prior administrations our resignations were the laughing stock of the world but not anymore."

"I'll say it again: Did somebody mention stupid?" 

“And I will turn the White House over to Crooked Hillary, who’ll probably force her way in before I've even finished caressing, kissing, and packing up all my pictures and false Time covers of myself. " 

“Okay, kid, just great! Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go suck up to future president Ronald Reagan.”

“But, Frank, there’s one condition. You gotta help me realize a fantasy that, well, only you can help with."

"Anything, kid!" 

"I wanna hang with the Rat Pack."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And don't forget, folks, it may not like be catching a performance of the Rat Pack in their prime, but I guarantee it's funny, that is, my book Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. 

And absolutely no collusion, no obstruction!

Brandon Block IS the Graduate

My son Brandon Block is The Graduate.  

This spring he's graduated from Johns Hopkins University where he has done quite well and is now back home for a time over the summer.  I'm a little concerned, however, that he may be taking his role as The Graduate just a bit too much to heart.

Lately the kid's been kind of listless, mostly just lying around the pool and drinking beer.

"Brandon," I said, "what's going on?  It's perfectly understandable that a young man who's done excellent work might want to relax a bit, but you're taking this to extremes."

"I'm a little concerned about my future, Dad," said Brandon.

"I am, too," I replied, "especially considering we don't have a pool."

"Some guy at the graduation party suggested I go into plastics."

"Plastics!  This isn't 1967. You’ll lose your shirt!"

Brandon's odd behavior continued.  One day soon after, he walked into the kitchen with a startling announcement.

"I hope you won't be too shocked, Dad, but I'm having an affair with Mrs. Robinson, the wife of your business partner."

"Frankly, Brandon, I am shocked.  Because I don't know anybody named Mrs. Robinson, and I don't have a business partner!"

"Nevertheless, I'm having an affair with Mrs. Robinson.  It began one night in a hotel where I also had an amusing interaction with a desk clerk played by actor/writer Buck Henry."

Now I was really concerned!  I was so concerned I discussed the situation with my psychiatrist, Dr. Kropotkin, but what he said was not all that reassuring, especially when he asked me if I could get him Buck Henry's autograph.

Then came the bombshell.

"Dad, I'm going to marry Elaine Robinson."

"Isn't that kind of a half-baked idea, son?"

"No, it's completely baked."

"No, Brandon, I mean it's half-baked in that  She's a fictional character! None of these people are real, they're characters in a movie!!! 

"Nevertheless, I am going to marry Elaine Robinson."

Two days later, I received a phone call that was the final straw.

"Who is this?  Dustin who?  I don’t know anybody named Dustin; nobody Jewish was ever named Dustin!”

Brandon did what?!  Disrupted Elaine Robinson's wedding and ran off with her?!!  He wants me to meet him where?!!!"

I sped to the address the man had given me, ran into the house, and incredibly there they all were: the late Anne Bancroft as Mrs. Robinson, the late Murray Hamilton as Mr. Robinson, the young Katherine Ross as Elaine Robinson, and even Buck Henry!

"Brandon, how is this possible?!" I exclaimed. "How can you actually be The Graduate?"

"Everybody's The Graduate at some time or other, Dad.   Life's like that.  And then we move on to another movie."

"I think I get it," I said.  "And this is your time to be the Graduate. What movie's next for you?"

"Who knows? That's all part of the deal."

"Hey, Bran, if it turns out to be Casablanca?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Can you get me Bogey's autograph?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brandon & older brother Brian, also a recent graduate from Fordham University with an MBA. Hard to believe I have such smart kids when I literally kept the Cliff's Notes company in business from years 1968 - 1972.
  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you may also like The Cosmic Case of Role Reversal,  He's Leaving Home, Bye-Bye,  and Riding in Cars with Boys.  If you hated this post,  I hope you never get Buck Henry's autograph!

Drumpfinger!

DRUMPFINGER!

He's the man, the man with the mindless touch

A spiteful touch,
Such a short finger
Beckons you to become his Wife No. 4

Better to marry Al Gore!

All the "best words" he will pour in your ear

But his serial lies can't disguise what you fear
For a Wharton grad who's certainly no brainiac,

With orange hair, he's a major megalomaniac!

DRUMPFINGER!

Better run from this man real quick

This guy’s a dick!

He loves only him

Only Him

HE LOVES HIM!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James Bond will be back in Drumpfinger.  Watch him battle Drumpfinger and his henchmen, Chris "Bodjob" Christie and Newt "Necks" Gingrich!

Three in One Hundred (FF)

FF-Friday Fictioneers

Copyright: J Hardy Carroll 

It was a cold and stormy night and although soaked to the bone, my spirits rose when I saw a light shining in the decayed castle ahead.

“Walk this way" said the hunchback greeting me at the door, and although it seemed silly I obliged, dragging my left leg in the self-same manner as the pitiable fellow.

We entered Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory.

“Fortuitous!” exclaimed Frankenstein. “I am just in need of a brain for the monster.”

How about that, folks? Three clichés in 100 words.  Not bad for a guy who had no earthly idea what to do with the prompt!  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, I certainly took the low road this week, slinging a ragtag bunch of cliches at you instead of coming up with a real story.  If I were you, I wouldn't even lower myself to read it! 

I just remembered how few of you ever do. 

You can read actual stories by the other Friday Fictioneers, however, by clicking here. They're all pretty good, but just try to find "a dark and stormy night" in the bunch!

Presidential Psychopath

And the nominees for Best Picture for 2016 are:

• ·    Birth of a Superhero; Jar Opening Guy 
• ·    Magnolias for Marybeth
• ·    Love, Look at the Three of Us
• ·    Contact:  a Story of Phlegm

and

• ·    Presidential Psychopath, 

And the Winner is:

Presidential Psychopath!

Great Applause

Accepting the Award for Presidential Psychopath is the Star and Co-writer, Donald J. Trump:

“Thank you everyone, this is just AMAZING!

Exactly two years ago I conceived of the idea that I could do an amazing service for the American people by showing them how readily a demagogue could come to power in this country.  After all, I’ve been lucky to make some money in this amazing country, and this would represent my chance to give back.

So I put together the concept for Presidential Psychopath with the amazing theme of someone well known in America with a dash of charisma achieving political power --- even becoming President of the United States --- although he is amazingly depraved, deplorable and damnable in every way. It’s happened in other countries and it could happen here in this amazing country unless we are amazingly vigilant.

Now I needed someone to fit the bill for the lead character. I guess I’ve been a little guilty of immodesty in the past in putting my name on buildings and such, and I thought to use that amazing but regrettable trait --- and I am in therapy to correct it --- to show how the main character is familiar to the public before he begins his nefarious and amazing drive to the Presidency.

So after a lot of amazing coaxing by my family and liberal Hollywood friends I agreed to play the lead character. I’m no actor … I hope ... I hope I wasn't too short of amazing in the role ... was I?

Encouraging Audience Applause

I want to thank so many people who helped make Presidential Psychopath such an amazing success:

Thank you, Dr. Ben Carson, for pretending to be a clueless loser so I could ridicule you right from the start of the campaign to establish fictional Trump’s amazing pattern of name-calling; Megyn Kelley --- dear sweet Megyn Kelly --- for putting up with so much offensive invective; Megyn, you are an amazing class act all the way!; all the other Republican candidates for playing their parts so amazingly well and agreeing to sacrifice their campaigns in order to make Presidential Psychopath happen so amazingly.  And I cannot forget to thank the members the press for not questioning the character’s amazingly vast store of lies and hypocrisies until it was too late.

I mean, Trump University?  Really? Can you believe what an amazing moron I am sometimes?

I want to thank our amazing writers;  I wrote very little, they did it all: for the early funny segments, Tina Fey, Amy Pohler with contributions by the amazing Woody Allen,  and the writers of the later darker segments --- including all those terrible lies and slanders --- the amazing Coen Brothers and Quentin Tarantino.  

They are all amazing writers!

And of course, you cannot say enough about our amazing director Alejandro G. Iñárritu!  

Three straight wins, Alejandro!  Amazing!  And Bravo Mexico!

Amazing Applause and Cheers

Next, I don’t want to forget to thank my amazing friends and business associates, too numerous to mention, my agent Herbert Lipschutz, and my amazing wives, also too numerous to mention.

And finally, thank you to the American people ---I love you all! --- for contributing the ending of Presidential Psychopath in which all of you amazing people catch on to the maniacal plans of the fictionalized Trump just before March 15, 2016, and 300 million people rise up to beat the amazing daylights out of him!

And oh yes, one more thing.

The only thing that was true about my bogus campaign?

I do have one AMAZING dick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note:  Donald Trump says "amazing" a lot.