62 Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40
Harry Smith is 60
1) Look at the two numbers in the title of this post above. In one of them, there is a 4 before the 0. In the other, there is a fucking 6 before the 0!
2) You remember Betty White when she was middle-aged. To somebody who is 40, Betty White was always 90.
3) Somebody who is 40 was born in 1972. You don't even remember 1972. Not only because you were smoking dope most of the time, but because you also don't remember 2011.
4) Somebody who is 40 did not grow up longing to be the fourth Cartwright son on Bonanza.
5) Seriously now, did you think you were ever going to have sex again with somebody who is 40?
6) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Senor Wences.
7) Seriously now, did you think you were ever going to have sex again with somebody who is 40, even if it's a fairly bad looking person who is 40?
8) Somebody who is 40 loves the Beatles just as much as you do. Somebody who is 40 loves theBeatles just as much as you do because they are a great nostalgia act.
9) Somebody who is 40 does not have fond memories of Swanson TV Dinners featuring Salisbury Steak, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and Apple Brown Betty. And somebody who is 40 is far less likely than you to have even the slightest clue what Apple Brown Betty is.
10) Somebody who is 40 calls you "Mr. So-And-So." Even if you are a woman.
11) You think of John F. Kennedy as part of "the modern era." To somebody who is 40, John F. Kennedy is as relevant as you are.
12) Somebody who is 40 would never use the phrase "he looks like Walter Brennan" to describe someone perceived to be old-looking.
13) Somebody who is 40 does not long for Bonomo's Turkish Taffy.
14) Somebody who is 40 is not truly feeling the pain that Davy Jones is gone.
15) You remember the 50's. To somebody who is 40, the 50's refers only to the next decade of their lives, which they are dreading.
16) Somebody who is 40 does not watch the Hallmark Channel. Ever.
17 ) Do you really think somebody who is 40 would find the concept of identical cousins credible?
18) Somebody who is 40 does not meet people who look like Wilford Brimley and think "Jesus, I hope I don't look that bad."
19) Somebody who is 40 thinks of Peggy Lipton as some obscure old-time TV actress who is the mother of actress Rashida Jones, not as the hot unobtainable chick sandwiched in between the two no-talented lummoxes on The Mod Squad.
20) Humphrey Bogart died three years before somebody who is 60. Humphrey Bogart had yet to star in Casablanca, marry Lauren Bacall, and become the greatest legend in the history of motion pictures when he was the same age as somebody who is 40.
21) Somebody who is 40 does not necessarily hate everything Elton John has done since 1973.
22) You take comfort in the fact that you are not old because you never liked Lawrence Welk. Somebody who is 40 thinks you are old because you liked Led Zeppelin.
23) Somebody who is 60 does not think that Winky Dink is just another cutesy name for you know what!
24) The picture on the left is Stevie Nicks at 40. The picture on the right is Stevie Nicks at 60.
26) Somebody who is 40 does not look around at people who are 70 and think "Please God, make this decade go slow!"
27) Somebody who is 40 may well think Buffalo Bob is a talking buffalo.
28) I don't see 40 year old people climbing all over each other to hang out with you, do you?
29) Somebody who is 40 does not think it is hilarious when you shout out "I want my Maypo!"
30) Somebody who is 40 does not wonder when the song Hey Nineteen is going to be updated to Hey Forty-Nine.
31) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Crazy Guggenheim.
32) "Welcome to our Show for Hunt's Catsup." Think somebody who is 40 has the slightest idea what that means, let alone that there ever was a word "catsup?"
33) Somebody who is 40 does not live in terror that one day they will turn on television and see Bob Dylan pop up in a commercial for reverse mortgages.
34) You remember a time when Rob and Laura Petrie weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed. Somebody who is 40 does not bat an eyelash at a naked Steve Buscemi having sex on Boardwalk Empire.
35) Somebody who is 40 does not have to be embarrassed that they once bought a Grand Funk Railroad album.
36) You find yourself beginning to use the expression "a young fella." At least one of the times you have used the expression "a young fella," you were referring to somebody who is 40.
37) Somebody who is 40 does not remember your President Nixon. Whether or not they remember the bills you have to pay, or even yesterday, is irrelevent.
38) Somebody who is 40 thinks Cher has always been a solo act.
39) When somebody who is 40 says "let's go to dinner someplace where there's a young and lively crowd," they do not feel out-of-place and uncomfortable when they get there.
40) Huckleberry Hound? Huckleberry Hound?! Even you barely remember Huckleberry Hound!
41) When somebody who is 40 says "let's go to dinner someplace where there's a young and lively crowd," they do not change their minds and go instead to the staid neighborhood family restaurant which they used to make fun of all the old people going to 15 long years ago.
42) Somebody who is 40 does not remember when Bob Hope was considered hip.
43) When somebody who is 40 is wholly unable to establish rapport with the hot twenty-ish waitress where he's having lunch, it is of course depressing, but it isn't the end of the world.
44) Somebody who is 40 is not even today ready to start an argument over whether The Doors should have added horns on The Soft Parade.
45) Somebody who is 40 does not say "boogie on out of here" because they know it sounds idiotic. Somebody who is 60 says "boogie on out of here" because they idiotically think it sounds cool.
46) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Topo Gigio.
47) Somebody who is 40 thinks that 40 is old, just as you did once. Now you realize how wrong you were and how wrong they are. They don't!
48) You're reading this dopey list. Somebody who is 40 is reading a different dopey list called"62 Reasons Why 40 is Not the New 30."
49) If you heard someone say "remember how we used to get out the chains come winter time?," unlike somebody who is 40 you would not think seasonal kinky sex was about to follow.
50) When you meet somebody who is 40, you hope they will find you charmingly avuncular. Somebody who is 40 does not give a shit what avuncular means.
51) Somebody who is 40 does not wonder why Colgate no longer contains Gardol.
52) You find the wives of all your male friends to be frumpy and unappealing and are grossed out by the prospect of having sex with them. Somebody who is 40 fantasizes incessantly about bean-bagging the wives of each and every one of his male friends, without exception!
53) Somebody who is 40 is not unduly upset that Richard Dreyfus and Henry Winkler are playing Jewish grandfathers.
54) Somebody who is 40 likes it when they mention their age and somebody they've just met says "I don't believe it, you look great!," but somebody who is 60 virtually orgasms when they mention their age and somebody they've just met says "I don't believe it, you look great!," even though somebody who is 60 knows the somebody they've just met who says "I don't believe it, you look great!" is lying to the degree that they will probably go to Hell for it.
55) Would you like to trade places with somebody who is 40? Would somebody who is 40 like to trade places with you?
56) Somebody who is 40 does not know or care what Serutan spelled backwards is.
57) Somebody who is 40 does not spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about whether he is more like Beau Bridges than Jeff Bridges.
58) Somebody who is 40 never worries about anybody ever referring to them as "40 years young."
59) Somebody who is 40 does not ever give a fleeting thought as to which of the three among Kukla, Fran, and Ollie was not a puppet.
60) Somebody who is 60 is old enough to be the Boyhood Idol of somebody who is 40, even thoughit goes without saying you are nobody's Boyhood Idol!
61) Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 no longer has the presence of mind to realize that No. 62 below is the same as No.1 above.
62) Look at the two numbers in the title of this post above. In one of them, there is a 4 before the 0. In the other, there is a fucking 6 before the 0!