Saturday, May 31, 2014

Enough is Enough on Guns!

Somethings absolutely positively is going to happen this time!

In view of the recent terrible shootings in California, Americans are finally galvanized to stand up to the NRA and demand strong action to stop gun violence right up until the summer gets underway and they're off on vacation. 

Speaking on behalf of a Philadelphia group called "Stop the Killing Before We Lose Interest," activist Burton Gainley stated  "We insist that Washington solve this problem once and for all, and we will work ceaselessly and tirelessly in this regard until later this month when we head to the Shore and start draining them brewskis."

The killing in San Diego seems to have united the movement for sane and reasonable gun regulation more than ever before.  While most Americans who feel strongly about human life and dignity normally get to the point where they forget about the whole thing a couple of weeks after a shooting, it's projected that this time it may take up to an entire month before no one gives a shit any more.

"Enough is enough!"  proclaimed Mr. Gainley.  "We're in it for the long haul provided other stuff like work and family and hobbies don't get in the way.  But should my voice ever be stilled or silenced, rest assured that others will pick up the fight!

At least until the Fourth of July."


In the style of The Onion.  Now I didn't say as good as, just in the style of!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Still Stupid About Smart Phones

Know what? I have no idea what these are.

It happens more and more all the time, someone expressing shock and consternation at my most grievous failing as a human being.

"Didn't you get my e-mail, Perry?" 

"No, I didn't.  I've been away from my PC today."

"Why didn't you just pick it up on your smart phone?" 

"Umm ...  I don't have one of those."

"No smart phone!!!"

"No ... but ...but I am kind to orphans and the homeless ..."

"How do you get your messages, idiot?  By Harry Potter's owl?!"

Yes, it's 2014 and I am still stupid about smart phones.  I have myself a regular dumb ass phone such as you had 5 or 6 years ago.  When someone calls me, my cell phone rings: "Yup, Yup, Yup, Yup, Yup!"  Access the internet?  It barely accesses the person I'm calling.  Touch screen?  If I tried to touch it, it would probably slap me!

It doesn't seem so long ago that I first spotted people on the street walking about with phones without wires held tightly to their ears.  I remember thinking:

"Wow, they must be really important!"

"I'll bet that man in the business suit with the wireless phone is General Secretary of the United Nations! And that pimply 18 year old guy with the neck tattoo and the wireless phone must be CEO of Halliburton!  And  look at that woman with the wireless phone and the beard, I'll bet she's America's foremost woman with a beard!"

Back then a cell phone was the size of a grandfather clock with an antenna.  Many people carried their cell phones in holsters at the waist which made them look like wannabe lawmen in the Old West. I was always tempted to shout "Draw, Cowpoke" whenever somebody's phone went off in my presence. 

And then I too joined the Wannabe Lawmen of America, and got myself a cell phone.

Service was often sporadic in those days and sometimes you'd get so sick of saying "excuse me, could you repeat that?" that you'd fill in the meaning of inaudible words  through the magic of context.  It could be risky. Make a poor interpretative choice and you might wind up engaged to a blood relative, accepting a mining job in a small mid western town,  or signing on to become a rabbi. There were also areas known as dead zones, in such case the term  having nothing to do with my social life. 

Gradually cell phones evolved.  They developed better graphics, became reliable enough that few outside the Ozarks married their cousins, and eliminated the need for a holster by becoming small enough you could almost swallow them.  Now wherever you went you could readily receive crystal clear phone calls from annoying people you could heretofore easily have ducked.

Then phones took the great leap forward.  They became smart. 

So smart they were now way smarter than you and I, especially at subjects that require math.  Cell phones acquired cool new names like the I-Phone, the Android, and the Agnes R. Brockelman and featured a host of new functions like navigation systems, media players, and the ability to turn the lights off in your bathroom when you are in Europe, not that you ever get to Europe.  They all had touchscreens, navigated the web, and came on to your girlfriend when you were not around. 

Cell phones had clearly surpassed me.  After all, I am a man who had a VCR for 14 years which continuously flashed "12:00 ... 12:00 ... 12:00."    I was baffled.  I still am.

Yesterday it was an attractive young woman on a bus who noticed my grievous lack of compliance with the nature of the times.

"Excuse me, sir, but you have a non-smart phone, don't you?"

Here we go again, I thought. 

"Well, yes, that's right."

"So you don't feel the need to keep up on your latest e-mails until you can get to a PC?"

"I guess not."

"And you don't care about doing your wash remotely,  corresponding with alien life forms, or time travel to the Coolidge Administration ?"

"I guess I don't."
"Wow, you must be really important!  
Wanna hang out?"

Maybe I'm not so stupid about smart phones after all.


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Those Freshman Days

copyright Jennifer Pendergast

"So how do you like it here at the University, George?"

"I love it,  Mark!  The classes are  stimulating,  I like my professors, and the experience living away from home is cool."

"I feel the same,  George.  Even the food is good.  And you couldn't ask for a more beautiful tree-lined campus!"

"I love the architecture of the residence halls too.  There's only one thing I don't like."

"What's that?"

"The stairs we have to take down to where the classes are.''

"What stairs?  There's a black pole we slide down 200 feet."

"That's what I don't like!"

"George, if you don't like sliding down poles,  don't come to the Red Adair University of Firefighting!"


If there isn't a school of higher learning for firefighters like the Red Adair University of Firefighting, there ought to be.  And considering the great job these guys do for all of us, it ought to actually have stairs as well as a campus that looks like the one in the picture prompt above on which my Friday Fictioneers entry for this week is based.

I don't want to yell "fire" in a crowded theater, but you ought to exit the theater right now and check out the blazing hot contributions of  the other Fictioneers by breaking the glass and sounding the alarm right here

Ready to slide down the pole?   Yeah, I know ... maybe by senior year. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Don't Fence Us In

copyright-Erin Neary

"There, that'll keep the foreigners out," said Ernie . 

"Why do you want to do that?" said his friend Charles, "we were all foreigners once."

"Not from that country!  Not those lowlifes from that country!"

"But how is this short fence - wide open in the middle - gonna keep anyone out?"

"You forget, everybody in that country is fat anymore."

"Oh yeah.  Eating habits really have gone to hell in the United States." 


I'm proud to say my eating habits are exemplary, if exemplary is slightly under one six pack of Coke a day.  In any event, what isn't at all fat is the word count in my contribution to the Friday Fictioneers this week based on the picture prompt above, sveltly striding in at a paltry 75 words.

You'll find yourself in Fat City enjoying the lo-cal offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking above, as you choose, on either the words Fat City or lo-cal above.

"We've never had to put up a wall to keep our people in," said President Kennedy in one particularly memorable moment.  And we don't have to.  If folks around here get any fatter, pretty soon a speed bump will be enough to keep 'em well contained.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

A Dog's Life

One thing is for sure:  She's no Emmett Slobozian!

There's little doubt why so many people like to own dogs.

Every dog on the planet - no matter species, breed, or size - thinks his master is the greatest, smartest, handsomest, most wonderful being ever to walk on all twos, no matter how far down the economic, social, or personal hygienic scale he or she actually is.

Take Napoleon, for example:  

"What a nice day for a walk!  I hope I get to sniff some female dog anus."

Hey, everyone, look at MY master!  I am owned by the greatest human on the planet, Emmett Slobozian!  Look at that great big beautiful protuberance in the middle of his body! See how he's drooling out of his mouth just like I do! don't you just love the way his hand is always in his pants?! 

Oh, most marvelous Emmett Slobozian!  Oh, most excellent Emmett Slobozian!  The stars were in perfect alignment when you became my master!


When he rubs me behind the ears, the earth moves!  When he gives me a dog yummy, my taste buds orgasm!   When he kicks me, he kicks me harder than David Beckham!

Ohhh!  Emmett Slobozian just said "Fuck, shit, piss!"  I don't know what it means, but I hear angels singing! 

Here comes that foxy cocker spaniel with the goofy looking owner.  Yumm,  nice butt!  And know what else ...  nice butt!  And did I mention ...  nice butt!!!

What an idiotic looking human she has for a master!  Long yellow hair, like an Irish Setter! Two big protuberances in her shirt instead of around her waste,  like my marvelous master. Look at those male humans looking at her, thinking how ridiculous she is.

Eat your heart out,  Ms. Cocker.  Emmett Slobozian's taken!

Ohhh!  Emmett Slobozian just said "I'd like to bang her silly!"  I don't know what it means, but I believe it comes from Shakespeare!  


Why, hello there, Ms. Cocker! ... sniff ... sniff ... sniff!!!   YUMMEEE!  Hah, what a couple of studs we are, Emmett Slobozian!  Me with this bitch and you with that hot mama you take out of the closet every night who is so captivated by you she doesn't speak or even move. 

Here we go, paws up top, I'm swinging for the record books! 

WOOF!  WOOF!  YES!  YES!  YES! ... WTF?!

What are you doing, Emmett Slobozian?  Pulling me away?!  Hey, Emmett Slobozian, stop!! I was sniffin' her!! I was just about to score!!  Stop  Pulling!!!  Where the hell are we going?!!!   Stop, Stop, Stop!!!  

You stupid douche-bag Emmett Slobozian!   You are the worst owner since Donald Sterling!

Okay.  Sniffin' a hydrant here ... sniffin' some dog turds there....

What a nice day for a walk!  I hope I get to sniff some female dog anus.

Hey everyone, look at MY master, Emmett Slobozian!"


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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Baa Baa Black Sheep

"Baa Baa Black Sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full.
One for my master
And one for my dame
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

Baa Baa Black Sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full."

"Quick, we'll have to escape on foot, they've disabled the car!"

"It's no use, we're surrounded!"

"Who knew when you get kidnapped by a flock of  sheep they make you sing that wretched song over and over and over again!"

"Look out!  Here comes the leader!"

"Baa Baa Black Sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full ...."


I think you folks will have to admit that this tidy tale of terror rates right up there with the classic horror stories of the great Kz Morano.  Let's hope you never find yourself schlepped away by sheep, or taken on the lam by lambs, or fleeced by the fleecy - or something or other like that - as in my contribution to this week's Friday Fictioneers  based on the picture prompt above.

I wouldn't try to chop my way out either or you'll get a good swift kick by a leg of lamb. Maybe the other Fictioneers have some ideas how to get us all out of this stew. Click here to check it out.

The shear audacity of these sheep!    OMG, it's time to sing everybody .... 

Monday, May 12, 2014

Considering the Alternative

The Alternative

There's an old line you've probably heard about a person getting along in years complaining to his friend about his exasperation with the aging process.

"Don't you hate getting older too?" says he to the friend. 

"Not when I consider the Alternative!" says the friend.

I've always thought this was kind of stupid.   As if the Alternative isn't also gonna happen?!!!  As if you have a choice between aging forever and the Alternative!

Wait a minute  ... what if you did?


"Perry .... Perry .... Perry."

"Who said that?   Oh my God, it's a process server!"

"No, Perry, it's me.  The All-Knowing One." 


"Well, not exactly.  But rest assured, I'm on the team."

"What is this about, All-Knowing One?"

"Perry,  soon you'll  be required to decide:  Do you want to keep getting older for all time, or do you want the Alternative?"

"What's the Alternative, sir?"

"Let me put it this way:  Got yourself a bucket list yet?"

"Oh, that Alternative!   You mean ... you mean .... I can  choose between getting older and older and not dying  and the Alternative?"

"Yep, it's a special this month. Better jump on it!"

"Well,  I sure don't want the Alternative! Tell me , sir, how will I look as I get older?  Say when I'm over age 200?"

"You've seen Keith Richards?"


"If he married Larry King, their child."

"AHHH!!! Well, how do the women who are that age look?

"Their child."

"AHHHH!!! Aren't there any women in their 50's or 60's who will date a guy over 200?"

"Are you kidding?  They're all looking for guys in their 50's and 60's with loads of money who are headed for the Alternative!"

"Well, what would I do as I get older?"

"Ya like shuffleboard?  Horseshoes is popular too.   Then after the first 10,000 years or so, things slow down a bit."

"Slow down a bit?!   How much is slow down a bit?"

"To something like your typical Saturday night, Perry."

"AHHHHH!!!   Tell me, if I never die, what happens if ... say ... the Earth blows up?"

"You mean like in 3728 when every surviving non-Alternative Earthing becomes a slave of the Darquinians?"

"I ...I guess.  Say, All-Knowing One?"

"Yes, Perry?"

"What do Darquinian women look like?"


"All-Knowing One, I've made up my mind."

"Put you down for eternal life, Perry?

"Not when I consider the Alternative to the Alternative!"


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Mighty Flood (FF)

And with a wave of his mighty hand, he hath sent waters to cover the Earth.

And the waters swept away oxen and sheep,  grain and all manner of crops, every type of abode and homestead, and men and women too.

Why hath he done such?  Because he looketh about and did not like what he saw.

"Dang it!" said Big Ed Furley,  Afternoon Superintendent at the County Reservoir. "The setting on Switch No. 3  looked wrong, I did not like what I saw, so I pulled the switch!"

"Now how are we ever gonna get all that water back into the reservoir?"


Here's hoping this doesn't offend anyone.  Look at it as newspaper copy written by an overzealous intern of an unfortunate occurrence in a nearby township. Look at it as my contribution to this week's Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above. 

The other mighty Fictioneers offer a flood of other interpretations on the prompt by clicking here.

Here's something that is major news for the overzealous intern to write up:  I brought this baby in at 94 words, a rarity for me.  You can thank Big Ed Furley .... and malfunctioning Switch No.3.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Why You Never See An Attractive Female Weather Person on Television

Nah, who'd  ever want to see this?

"Welcome to the 25th Annual Men & Women in Local Television News, Weather, and Sports Convention here in beautiful Orlando!  

I'm your president, Bob Nessman. 

We're thrilled that the workshops we are offering you this year are bigger and better than ever. Now I'd like to take a few questions from our wonderful audience before we formally open the proceedings.

 Yes, you in the striped blue tie! 

Good question! We get that one a lot.  Ladies and gentlemen, the question is: Why Do You Never See An Attractive Female Weather Person on Television?

The weather forecast is a sacred trust that we in television take very seriously and whose integrity we must ensure.  As every TV station manager in the country realizes, an attractive well-dressed female would be a major distraction to the viewers at home, men focusing upon the female's face and figure and women upon her makeup, jewelry, and  clothing and nobody nowhere focusing upon the weather. 

The results would be catastrophic!

Let's say a Nor'easter is coming tomorrow and you've watched weather with the attractive female weather person the night before. Consequently you go out the next day in Bermuda Shorts and wind up in Bermuda!

Or you need to know how to dress the children for the following day.  But instead of watching Mel Blotstein's Five Day Forecast on Channel 9, you've tuned in to the attractive female weather person on Channel 14.  

The result: your children go to school bundled up for a blizzard and weather 6 degrees below zero and it's June 8 and they suffer heat stroke while playing color war!

And what if the female weather person is particularly shapely? Standing in front of a weather map, her ample bosom might block out Doppler Radar!  Her firm buttocks could wipe the barometric pressure where you live completely off the map!  

Critical information lost!

Some surveys have even indicated that certain male members of the audience would be so significantly distracted by an attractive female weather person that they might imagine in their mind's eye having sexual relations with her!

Yes, sexual relations!!!

Think that such a guy will ever have an umbrella with him on a day it rains?  

And that's why all weather persons will always be either middle-aged balding men with glasses or bad looking women with acne.

Another question, folks?   Yes, over there, third row ...  The question is: Isn't it unfair for attractive females to be discriminated against in this way?

No, of course not.  Certain occupations are just no place for attractive females.  Can you imagine an owner of a reputable restaurant hiring an attractive waitress? Not only would proper gustation be impossible,  but a well-endowed server would constantly be poking diners with her large breasts right while they were trying to eat!  

Yes, one last question.   Yes,  you with blue blouse ... Do I think we'll ever see changed thinking that would  allow an attractive female to be hired as a weather person on television?

Well, let me put it this way:   

The day an attractive female is hired as a weather person anywhere in the United States is the day CNN hires attractive female anchors, a gray-haired gay man,  and completely forgets about the news.

Does that answer it for ya?