It’s incredible! I still don’t believe it!
I want to pinch myself, but I’m not going to do that because I don’t want to give myself the wrong impression. I don’t even like me, let alone want to come on to me!
Several months back, I had the honor of winning the coveted Versatile Blogger ‘Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?' Catch-All Category Award presented to me by none other than master thesbian Meryl Streep at Santa Monica's Eggland's Best Eggs Center.*
It was indeed a magical moment when the two of us were together: America’s foremost actress and me, America’s second most foremost actress!
Following the presentation, Ms. Streep took me under her wing and --- except for the disgusting smell emanating from under that 6 foot feathery appendage growing above her left armpit --- I was enraptured and beguiled as we walked back stage hand in hand where she proceeded to beat me about the face and neck and make off with the Versatile Blogger statuette, surrendering it only after being felled by a flying tackle from fellow acting great Robert De Niro!
My trophy secured, I headed straight to the after party where I imbibed so much alcohol that fellow attendee Nucky Thompson of Boardwalk Empire hollered “temperance, man, temperance!” Next thing I knew I awoke in a circus trailer in Kansas City MI in full clown make-up and regalia, having apparently traveled throughout the Midwest for the past three and a half weeks under the name “Squiggles.”
As the scotch and soda haze subsided, however, I realized that I had sadly failed to complete my official duties as winner of this most coveted award and now must make amends. However, being Jewish and not handy, I had to hire an Italian man to make my amends for me.
I want to pinch myself, but I’m not going to do that because I don’t want to give myself the wrong impression. I don’t even like me, let alone want to come on to me!
Several months back, I had the honor of winning the coveted Versatile Blogger ‘Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?' Catch-All Category Award presented to me by none other than master thesbian Meryl Streep at Santa Monica's Eggland's Best Eggs Center.*
It was indeed a magical moment when the two of us were together: America’s foremost actress and me, America’s second most foremost actress!
Following the presentation, Ms. Streep took me under her wing and --- except for the disgusting smell emanating from under that 6 foot feathery appendage growing above her left armpit --- I was enraptured and beguiled as we walked back stage hand in hand where she proceeded to beat me about the face and neck and make off with the Versatile Blogger statuette, surrendering it only after being felled by a flying tackle from fellow acting great Robert De Niro!
My trophy secured, I headed straight to the after party where I imbibed so much alcohol that fellow attendee Nucky Thompson of Boardwalk Empire hollered “temperance, man, temperance!” Next thing I knew I awoke in a circus trailer in Kansas City MI in full clown make-up and regalia, having apparently traveled throughout the Midwest for the past three and a half weeks under the name “Squiggles.”
As the scotch and soda haze subsided, however, I realized that I had sadly failed to complete my official duties as winner of this most coveted award and now must make amends. However, being Jewish and not handy, I had to hire an Italian man to make my amends for me.
So herewith I offer those amends --- thank you, Tony! --- and execute in full my remaining Versatile Blogwinning duties:
1. Share seven things about yourself. I fear this may be kind of boring because my life is so mundane my superego regularly falls asleep when it's supposed to be minding my id. Nonetheless:
1) I have somewhat of an unusual hobby for a Jewish person. Weekends I’m a Catholic Priest.
1) I have somewhat of an unusual hobby for a Jewish person. Weekends I’m a Catholic Priest.
2) I am deathly afraid of spiders. Whenever I find a spider in my house, I immediately call my realtor and put the house on the market. In the last ten years, I’ve moved 37 times!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Make that 38!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Make that 38!
3) Warning: I brake for animists.
4) I have always wanted to be referred to as The Lovely and Talented Perry Block.
5) I believe we have been visited by super intelligent extraterrestrials. But, believe it or not,
they didn’t even bring a bottle of wine, and after five centuries they still haven’t left!
6) I think you’re cute!
7) They threw me out of the University of Heidelberg! They called me mad!
2. Give the award out to other bloggers that you think are fabulous, interesting and deserving. Here's where I ran into a little bit of trouble. I've met many great bloggers that I really enjoy and respect out there on the http://www/, and I didn't want to piss any of them off so they'd unfollow me!
So to everyone else I know and love that I didn’t pick, you are all first runners-up! If any of the winners should be unable to fulfill their official duties over the coming year, you will all be elevated to Miss Versatile Blogger Catch-all Category Award America!
2. Give the award out to other bloggers that you think are fabulous, interesting and deserving. Here's where I ran into a little bit of trouble. I've met many great bloggers that I really enjoy and respect out there on the http://www/, and I didn't want to piss any of them off so they'd unfollow me!
So to everyone else I know and love that I didn’t pick, you are all first runners-up! If any of the winners should be unable to fulfill their official duties over the coming year, you will all be elevated to Miss Versatile Blogger Catch-all Category Award America!
Make no mistake, folks, Marisa Birns --- Out of Order Alice herself --- is such a good writer, you won’t even want to get the Cliff’s Notes. Depth of character, rich atmospherics, and endings to make O. Henry smack his forehead that he didn’t think of them – Marisa masters it all and usually in 500 words or less.
Just read one of her stories; it’s like a Lay’s Potato Chip, you can’t read just one. And if I’m dating myself with that reference, you get the point anyway, Nimrod. This chick rocks!
If I had her talent and could write like her, you better believe I wouldn’t even talk to the likes of you. So c’mon and start reading Marisa before she decides not to talk to you either!
2) Peevish Penman.
2) Peevish Penman.
Peevish Penman is a compendium of short fiction, commentary, insights about writing, author interviews, and lots of other stuff that’s neat-o and groovy. In the words of site ringmaster Ms. Penman herself (Carrie Bailey), Peevish is an exercise in and about “futility, charming, international league of antiquarian booksellers, kumquat, mature, and octagon.” I couldn’t agree more.
A representative offering from the Pen of Peevish is The Nine Parts of Speech, an invaluable guide on optimal usage of the English language for writing excellence, which will simultaneously impart in you an intense appreciation for the talents of its inventive writer along with an equally intense longing to wash her mouth out with soap.
3) K.D. McCrite, Author.
K.D. McCrite, Author features the words of Kathaleen McCrite (a/k/a kd McCrite), a talented novelist and short story writer who has given birth (well, not literally, you idiot!) to one of the internet’s more intriguing characters in Mae B, the writer who doesn’t write.
3) K.D. McCrite, Author.
K.D. McCrite, Author features the words of Kathaleen McCrite (a/k/a kd McCrite), a talented novelist and short story writer who has given birth (well, not literally, you idiot!) to one of the internet’s more intriguing characters in Mae B, the writer who doesn’t write.
That’s not oxymoronic. Mae B is a procrastinator and ditherer who knows she’ll achieve great things if only she could get around to stop procrastinating and dithering.
In other words, she’s just like every one of us, if a bit more colorful and acerbic. One of these days, Mae B. will shock the world and actually take pen in hand. Who knows what will come out? The tripe we expect? Or a masterpiece? Either way she’ll hopefully inspire us to sit down and do the same. Really good stuff, kd!
4) Gonepausal.
Gonepausal, with Gail Maria Forrest as major domo, is not so much a blog site as a full-scale cottage industry tending to the needs of those generations of women (and men) who would like to shave a year or two off their ages. (I need to shave an entire Zach Galifianakis off mine!)
Gonepausal, with Gail Maria Forrest as major domo, is not so much a blog site as a full-scale cottage industry tending to the needs of those generations of women (and men) who would like to shave a year or two off their ages. (I need to shave an entire Zach Galifianakis off mine!)
Gail has a deep understanding of the hopes, dreams, and generally thwarted desires of those of us who’ve been coming around the mountain ever since the mountain first formed from volcanic rock. Whether serving up relationship insights for the gray-haired or clueing us in on the sex life of a post Ward-June Cleaver, Gonepausal should be required reading for any one of us who's ever looked in the mirror and wished we hadn’t.
It’s hard to fathom how Gail --- who is only 27 herself --- understands all us Boomers and other post 30-ites so well!
5) Melinda Roos --- Understanding the Human Condition.
Melinda Roos is a writer’s writer. I was going to say she is a writer’s writer’s writer, but you know what? That doesn’t make any sense!
What does make sense, however, is Melinda’s gift for inviting us to join her in reflections on the human condition and the simple yet energizing life experiences most of us seem to miss. Whether she’s writing about the intricacies of modern marriage or contemplating the miracle of riding a horse on a gray country morning, it’s difficult not to be transported into Melinda’s world, if only for a moment.
There’s one other thing you ought to know about Melinda. She loves the “rock group” ABBA! But before you gasp too loudly, maybe it’s just part of her overall love for life. And you don’t have to like ABBA to like and appreciate Understanding the Human Condition.
It’s hard to fathom how Gail --- who is only 27 herself --- understands all us Boomers and other post 30-ites so well!
5) Melinda Roos --- Understanding the Human Condition.
Melinda Roos is a writer’s writer. I was going to say she is a writer’s writer’s writer, but you know what? That doesn’t make any sense!
What does make sense, however, is Melinda’s gift for inviting us to join her in reflections on the human condition and the simple yet energizing life experiences most of us seem to miss. Whether she’s writing about the intricacies of modern marriage or contemplating the miracle of riding a horse on a gray country morning, it’s difficult not to be transported into Melinda’s world, if only for a moment.
There’s one other thing you ought to know about Melinda. She loves the “rock group” ABBA! But before you gasp too loudly, maybe it’s just part of her overall love for life. And you don’t have to like ABBA to like and appreciate Understanding the Human Condition.
Congratulations to each and every one of you guys on winning The Versatile Blogger Award!
Now, think there's any booze left at that after party?
I hope so, because my superego's sound asleep and my id is in the clear!
Now, think there's any booze left at that after party?
I hope so, because my superego's sound asleep and my id is in the clear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Not really. The Versatile Blogger Award, as it is in fact named, was actually given to me by author Julie Musil in her blog Writing and Blogging Between Carpools. Thank you again, Julie, for your kindness and your incredible lapse in judgment bordering on temporary insanity.
