If Bruce Wayne Lost All His Money

 I want a piece of pie!

   I'm good for it!  I'm Batman, damn it! 

Hi! I'm your Uber Driver."

"Thank goodness, and not a moment too soon!"

"Say, nice Batman costume."

"It ought to be. I'm Batman!"

"No kiddin'! Where's your Batmobile." 

"It's ... um ... in the shop. That's it, it's in the shop! Carburetor trouble, very tricky to fix." 

"Really? Okay, where to?"

"Gotham City Town Square. The Joker is throwing bombs into the square from the Kropotkin Building!"

"Here we are, Batman!

"Thanks. I’ll give you a good review.”

“I’ll give you one too, Dude.”

“Commissioner Gordon, I’m here."

"Batman! Why are you in an Uber? Where's the Batmobile?"

"I'll be honest with you, Commissioner.  It was repossessed."

"Repossessed! Why?"

"I've had some financial reverses lately. Started with Bernie Madoff and Enron. Lately I invested in Trump University."

"In this booming economy? Only other person I know dumb enough to lose all his money these days is Bruce Wayne. That idiot!"

"Yeah …. what a dunderhead!"

“Batman, the Joker's on the 7th floor. Shoot one of your batarangs and zoom up high and take him down."

"Uh, I have a better idea. You cup your hands together, I'll step in them, and you fling me up."

"We're doing alley oop?"

"Yeah. You see, my batarangs were sold at auction.”   

"Then you'd better take the stairs."

“Okay, it’s only 7 floors. No problem for me.”

“God bless you, Batman!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“OMG! I’m only at the  third floor. I feel sick! I think I’m going to throw up!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Batman! You’re here at the 7th floor! And you’re breathing like a race horse after the Kentucky Derby!”

“Never you mind, Joker … Heeeee! ... I’m taking you down … Hoooo! ... Do you mind waiting 15 minutes or so until I can do that?”

“I guess not. I’ll read the news on my phone until you’re ready.”

“Freeze, Joker!  Great work, Batman, holding off the Joker until we could get here!”

“Yeah ... uh ... just as I planned it, Commissioner! Got any Dramamine on you?”

“No, Batman, but there’s a Rite Aid a couple of blocks from here.”

“I see. Um … do you think I could borrow some money?”

“Sure, Batman, here’s a ten spot.”

“And … uh … do you mind giving me a lift?”

“Where to?”

“The Dairy Queen at Fourth and Cowan Street.”

“Sure, but why? You want ice cream?”

“No. I've got the 10:00 P.M. to 2:00 A.M. shift. I’m in charge of jimmies.”

“I wonder if you could get Bruce Wayne a job there too?”

“I’m afraid he’s already working there, Commissioner.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Adam West at the Pearly Gates

"Yes, next in line, please."

"Hello.  I'm a little confused.  My name is ...."

"Oh, I know who you are!  You're Adam West, television's first Batman!  Welcome, I’m Peter."

“St. Peter?”

“Nah, Just Peter.  That other guy retired years ago.”

"Thank you, Peter. Where am I?"

"Let’s just say this is Superhero Heaven. You don't really need the costume now, Adam.  By the way, great eyebrows! Best of any Batman!"

"Superhero Heaven?  Is that why I’m in a shorter line than the others."

"It's short now, but given all the superhero movies and TV shows these days in 40 or 50 years it's probably gonna be longer than the line for Larry King's ex-wives."

“Who’s inside Superhero Heaven?"

"Actors who've played superheroes, animated superheroes, and panel art superheroes.”

"Artwork too?"

"Yes, legendary comic book artwork. You should see the way Wonder Woman is drawn in here! Makes Gal Gadot look like Perry Block!"

"But you know, I wasn't the only Batman."

"Of course you weren’t.  In time Michael Keaton and Christian Bale will be here as well. If not for Batman, Ben Affleck would have made it too.  George Clooney's being waived in for other reasons."

"How about Val Kilmer?"

"No fucking way."

"What's Superhero Heaven like?"  

"It's whatever you want it to be. You can chase down the Joker and the Riddler or just play the harp. In time you get born again but we'll go over all that later."

"But I'm not really Batman.  There isn't any Batman."

"Adam, Batman isn't a person.  He's a concept, an ideal.  He stands for decency, self-sacrifice, and helping others, and not being afraid to do it in unorthodox ways if necessary. And that's true whether he's portrayed as goofy, serious, or even troubled and conflicted."

"But I'm not as good as all that!"

"No, Adam, you played the role well. Personally I like it better played straight but you did what you could with the times."

"I agree. I could have done without all the POWs and SOCKs too."  

Go right on in, Batman!

"Peter, about Robin ..."

"Don't worry, Burt Ward isn't coming here. We couldn't stand him either."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you secretly Batman by any chance? 

I'm asking everybody because Cesar Romero is just driving us crazy up here!

Batman v. Superman v. WTF?

The recent release of a trailer for the upcoming movie Batman v. Superman has gotten a lot of people looking forward to seeing the film, and I guess I’m one of them.

I say “I guess”  because I’m sick of superhero movies.  We've reached the point of such superhero saturation that the new movie will also feature Aquaman, a superhero so insipid his greatest power is the ability to order mackerel to defecate on the bad guys should they happen to fall underwater. 

I've always liked both Batman and Superman, however, but pairing them together in the same movie is kind of strange.* Superman is the most powerful being in all of time and space. Batman?  He has as many super powers as you and I except he looks a lot better in tights. 

Frankly, Batman is only a big cheese in a universe in which there is no Superman.  So what does Batman have to offer the Man of Steel in a world in which they both exist?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman!  Lex Luthor has catapulted a huge Kryptonite boulder right in our path!

Batman:  Great Scott, Superman, you're right!  Umm ... are you feeling sick, by any chance?

Superman:  No, Batman, I'm sitting here playing strip poker with Wonder Woman. Yes, I'm feeling sick! Hurry, remove the Kryptonite and put it in the lead containment box!

Batman:  Of course, Superman.  But first, we've got a few things to discuss.

Superman:  A few things to discuss?  

Batman:  To tell you the truth, Superman, I'm sick of being the junior member in this partnership.  I want a broader role.

Superman:  But, Batman, I only need you whenever there’s Kryptonite around. That's the job: you pick up the Kryptonite, you put it in the box, and then go take study hall.

Batman:  Yeah, for which you pay me the grand sum of Superhero Minimum Wage!

Superman: But that's all the job's worth. Frankly I could get Aquaman to do this. 

Batman:  Aquaman? That's a low blow.

Superman:  Batman, please hurry!  I'm so nauseated I feel like I've just seen a Val Kilmer movie!

Batman:  Cool your pecs, Clark!  I want a raise and a company match in the "Strange Visitor from Another Planet 401 (k) Plan!"

Superman: But Batman, (cough, cough, cough!) aren't you a millionaire as Bruce Wayne?

Batman: Ever heard of Bernie Madoff, Superman?

Superman:  Okay, okay!  What do you want? 

Batman:  Let’s make it 45 bucks an hour, a 6 % match, and a health care plan that covers having the shit kicked out of you by Bane.

Superman:  Sure (cough, sputter) sure, whatever you say!

Batman:  And I want you to help get the Superhero Minimum Wage raised.

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman, that'll ruin the economy and cost superhero jobs! What will Kochman say?

Batman:  Kochman?! Great Scott, Superman, you’re a conservative?

Superman:  I am. For me truth, justice, and the American way is the Second Amendment, Fox News, and "let's impeach the Muslim President."

Batman:  Superman:   I quit. 

Superman:  You quit?  Batman,  where are you going? 

Batman: Maybe you can get Kochman to help you out at Superhero Minimum Wage.

Superman: Great Scott, Batman, I'm turning into a plate of Kryptonian Goulash!!!

Batman:    Great Scott, Superman, I'm sorry!  Looks like maybe I am the hero Earth needs after all.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Back when I was a kid, Superman and Batman were always paired in World's Finest Comics, which was anything but. The stories were silly and the artwork often second tier. Even when I was ten, I didn't buy it.

If Batman Had a Jewish Mother, or My Son, the Dark Knight

  

As the scene opens, high above Gotham City, the Bat Signal cuts through the evening sky.

Mrs. Wayne: Bruce ... Bruce? 

Bruce:  Yes, Mom. 

Mrs. Wayne: Come see what I made special for you. 

Bruce:  Matzoh Ball Soup!  Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Wayne:  You're welcome, darling.  You're looking frightfully thin, Bruce, have another matzoh ball.  Light as a feather, aren't they? 

Bruce:  Mom! Look outside!  In the sky!

Mrs. Wayne:  I don't see anything. Here I'll close the drapes so you won't be bothered ....

Bruce: No, no!  It's the Bat Signal.  I must switch to my alter ego, the Batman!

Mrs. Wayne: Now, darling, you know you have to wait 45 minutes after eating before you change into Batman. Even longer if you're going to have to swim as Batman!

Bruce: I can't wait for that, Mom. Gotham City needs Batman!

Mrs. Wayne: Gotham City needs to kiss my tuchas!  And I expect you home by 12:00 sharp or you're grounded! 

Bruce: Aww, Mom!   I can't promise that.

Mrs. Wayne:  Then I'm coming with you.  Somebody's got to keep Mr. Dark Knight out of mischief!

Off into the night roars Batman's supercharged vehicle across the Bat Cave waterfall and towards Gotham City.

Mrs. Wayne:  Bruce, Bruce, slow down for crying out loud! You'll give your mother a heart attack!

Batman:  But, Mom, Commissioner Gordon is counting on me.

Mrs. Wayne:  Counting, schmounting!  He put a coat around you one night, you weren't even cold and I wasn't even dead! Say, darling, did you remember to bring your inhaler?

Batman:  Oh, shit!  I did forget it.  Well, we're not going back for it now!

Mrs. Wayne: Suit yourself, bubbeleh!  And watch your mouth.  

Batman:  Sorry!   That reminds me, Mom, when I'm dressed up like this, please remember to call me Batman!  You screwed up twice last week and called me Bruce right in front of Jim Gordon.

Mrs. Wayne: You think he doesn't know who you are, Mr. Big Shot?  You think he doesn't have a brain?  That husky voice wouldn't fool a four year old sitting in Santa's Lap.

Leaping from a tall building, Batman glides down to confront the Joker.

Batman:  Hand me the detonator, Joker.  I'm going to stop you from destroying Gotham City!

Joker:  But destroying Gotham City is my hobby, Batman.  What do you want me to do,  take up Mah Jong?

Mrs. Wayne: Did I hear my favorite hobby mentioned? 

Joker:  Who are you?

Mrs. Wayne:  I'm Bruce's Mom.

Batman:  No, you're Batman's Mom!  Batman's Mom!

Mrs. Wayne: Sure, darling.  Mr. Joker, look at you!  This is how you come to destroy the city? You look like Flo from Progressive.

Joker:  How should I look, Mrs. Batman?

Mrs. Wayne: Go home, wash your face, put on a nice suit, and then turn yourself in to Commissioner Gordon.

Joker: I will!  Thank you, Mrs. Batman.  If I'd had a mom like you, I'd be a successful dentist by now.

The Joker departs.

Mrs. Wayne:  All done!  And it isn't even 9:00 P.M. yet.

Batman: I have to admit you're right, Mom.  But I have a question.

Mrs. Wayne: Yes, Bruce?  I mean, Batman.

Batman:  Is there any more soup? 

Mrs. Wayne: Of course, darling!  Nothings too good for my boy who just single-handedly saved Gotham City from the Joker!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will The Real Dark Knight Please Rise?

Bane: Greetings and welcome, my fiends!

I'd like to call to order the monthly Board of Directors meeting of the League of Arch Villains Who Think Batman Sucks.  I'm your chairperson, Bane.  

With us today are five longstanding Board members:  the Joker, Two-Face,  Ra's al Ghul, the Riddler, and the Penguin.  A no-show again for the fourth month is Selena Kyle.  I sure hope she hasn't turned on us because I have a DVD of Les Miz at home and that chick always make me cry.

Joker: Me too.  Don't get me started!

Bane:  Now, gentlemen,  we decided  that today would be a brain-storming session on the subject of Batman's secret identity.  The topic was suggested by Two-Face, who has some very interesting thoughts to share with us.  Two?

Two-Face:  Thanks, Bane.  It occurred to me the other day that Batman in his everyday life probably makes a pretty good buck.  Well above the minimum wage.

Ra's al Ghul:  How do you figure?

Two-Face: Where d0 all those gadgets come from?  The car,  the hover craft, the motorcycles, that totally unnecessary flare with the Bat logo in the last movie?  You can't get 'em at Goodwill! 

Penguin: True. Bet he has a decent benefits package too. Wonder where he works.

Two-Face:  No, Penguin, I don't think Batman works anywhere!  Let's say the Dark Knight has a job selling lingerie at Target,  and one day one of us decides to destroy Gotham City. Can't you just hear him:

 "I know the Bat Signal's been shining for half an hour, Commissioner Gordon, but I don't get off work until 10:00!  And my supervisor's been riding my ass hard all day!"

Riddler: Maybe he works for Sam's Club?

Two-Face:  No, he doesn't work for Sam's Club, you moron!  He's a multi-millionaire! 

All:  Ohhh!  Never thought of that.

Two-Face: So who has some suggestions as to who he might be?

Ra's al Ghul:  Well,  how about Warren Buffett?  I've always admired him.

Bane:  Me too!  

Two-Face:   Hello: Earth to Ra's al Ghul and Bane  ....  Earth to Ra's al Ghul and Bane!

Ra's al Ghul and Bane:  Yes, Two?

Two-Face:  Warren Buffett  is 83 years old!

Ra's al Ghul: Oh.  Well how about Bill Gates?

Riddler:  Nah, too nerdy.

Joker:  I was thinking maybe the Koch Brothers.  One of them could be out there as Batman while the other lobbies the hard-core Republicans, then they could switch off.  Very efficient!

Bane:   Are you kidding?

Joker:  What do you mean?

Bane: Those two guys are way more evil than we are!  The Koch Brothers are about as likely to be Batman as they are to be lunching this week with Dr. Cornel West. 

Two-Face:   Guys, I'm leaning toward Mark Zuckerberg.  He's young,  he's brash, and he's done wonders for the popularity of kittens. 

Ra's al Ghul:   I think I just heard the sound of ten thousand Jewish grandmothers kvelling!  But could Batman really be Jewish?

Riddler: He looks to me like the kind of Jewish guy who can't stand the sight of blood.  So, no.

Joker:  How about Donald Trump?

Bane:   Joker!   Much as we all hate the Dark Knight,  Batman cannot be the world's biggest asshole!  

Penguin: Say, what about Bruce Wayne? 

Joker:  Bruce Wayne? He's an idiot!  He burned down the family mansion and didn't even notice when his girlfriend morphed from looking like Katie Holmes to Maggie Gyllenhaal! 

Penguin: Too bad, because he's the only multi-millionaire living in Gotham, his parents' murder could have sparked a life-long battle against injustice, and he spent years in the Himalayas studying the deadliest and most secretive form of martial arts in existence.

Joker: Sure.  Now moving right along ....

Ra's al Ghul:  I've got it!

All:  Who?

Ra's al Ghul:  OPRAH!

All:    OPRAH!  Of Course! 

Ra's al Ghul:  We all know Oprah can do anything.  No doubt she can save Gotham from any one of us, look absolutely stunning in the doing, and still be home in time for dinner with Stedman.  

Bane:  Oprah it is!  Now who's up next to destroy Gotham City?

Two-Face:  That's me.  I'm scheduled for October 8, 9, and 10.

Bane: Great!  I'm marking it in my book.  Penguin, you are assigned to approach Oprah and tell her we will expose her secret if she dare oppose us.

Penguin: What secret?  That she and Gale ....

Bane: Not that secret!

Penguin:  I'll do it!  I'll do it on behalf of Arch Villains Who Think Batman Sucks everywhere!

Bane: Terrific.  And Penguin?

Penguin: Yes, Bane.

Bane: Get me an autograph.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the Hill Hero

"Bruce, what are you doing?"

"I've got to save this poor individual trapped beneath a barrage of falling pillows, Selena!"

"Bruce, that's a doll with striped socks.  No one is in any danger whatsoever."

"Oh, I see!  Well, perhaps I'll just check to see if ....."

"The Bat Signal is on?  It hasn't been on in years!  And why that ridiculous nautical headgear?"

"The mask isn't for you.  It's for those you love."

"Oh, Selena, this is terrible!" said her neighbor Sarah. "What happened?"

"He's been this way ever since he turned 55, the Joker beat him in thumb wrestling, and Bane finally succeeded in blowing up Gotham City."

"Can anything be done for him?"

"Don't worry; Superman is coming over to play checkers. That always perks him up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I doubt anyone could help but wonder how a superhero like Batman, someone who is used to contending with arch villains and routinely saving the planet,  manages to make the transition to contending with bird poop on his favorite park bench and routinely saving string.  This is the theme of my post today in response to the picture prompt above for this week's Friday Fictioneers. 

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's the other Friday Fictioneers flying high with their own interpretations of the same prompt. No telling where they'll land, so do yourself a favor and ride along by clicking above.

It's good that Batman and Superman will at least have each other to reminisce about old times together with.  Not to mention a stimulating talk or two about prune juice. 

The Greatest Invention Ever

It may be a bit of hyperbole to call it that, but Superman couldn't think straight without it,  and without it  Batman might as well call himself Bruce and fight crime in a tuxedo.  And its inventor is  indeed one of the richest men in American.  

Who is he?

Wayne Blitzstein, the inventor of the comic book "thought balloon."

Prior to Blitzstein's dazzling innovation, all characters in comic books thought in the same manner in which they spoke.  A word balloon coming to a sharp point directed straight at each character's head was used for both thought and speech.  Consequently every character in every comic book knew exactly what each other was thinking!

Pandemonium ensued. Commissioner  Gordon, the  Joker, the Penguin, and every other resident of Gotham City knew Batman's secret identity, rendering him far less effective as a crime fighter.  Mostly he just gave out parking tickets and posed with Dorothy Lamour. Superman, for his part, was constantly being slapped by Lois Lane whenever he gave her the once-over with his ex-ray vision, causing her to break her hand in every edition of Action Comics until the early sixties!

The worst impact of the so-called Uni-Balloonular System of Comic Art was visited on the romance genre of the comic book. Since characters kissing passionately had to think in the same word balloons they were speaking, their thoughts could consist of nothing more than: 

"Mmm-Wahhhh! Mmmm-Wahhhhhh!"

Gradually romance comic books became almost as sappy and infantile as CNN's approach to news reporting.

Assigned to work on Wonder Woman in the late 1950's, Wayne Blitzstein was rapidly becoming sick of drawing uni-balloons with the words "stop thinking about my tits!" One night while chewing bubble gum and thinking "maybe if I took her down a cup size or two," Blitzstein blew a bubble and made a connection:  thoughts could be separately depicted by a series of bubbles leading to a word balloon, and the sharp pointed balloon reserved for speech! 

Comics were revolutionized! Batman was able to think about how he hated his implausible runt of a sidekick while beating the crap out of the Joker, Lois Lane's hand healed and she grew neurotic and unstable over whether or not Superman dug her, and romantic comic book leads could finally smooch while thinking more mature plot-driven thoughts, such as ....  

She: "I wonder if he knows I'm cheating on him with  fully two-thirds of the Green Bay Packers?"

He:   "I wonder if she knows I'm cheating on her with  fully two-thirds of the Green Bay Packers?"

Wayne Blitzstein became fantastically wealthy and today lives mostly on a private island he owns off the eastern coast of Europe known as England.  A bit of a recluse, he does not like to talk about his billions or his days as the struggling comic book artist who sounded the death knell for the Uni-Balloonular System of Comic Art.

How does he feel about his place in the history of  the comic book?

Who knows?  He always thinks in thought balloons. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mmm-Wahhhh! Mmmm-Wahhhhhh!" no more 

Bedtime Story II

"And then Plastic Man stretched out his arm dozens of feet to snatch the child out of the path of the runaway bus!"

"That's a boring superhero, Uncle Phil."  

"But don't you see, Billy?   He could bounce himself like a ball, mold himself into any shape."

"Phooey!  Tell me a good bedtime story about Superman or Batman, not some lame nobody hero!!!"

"This is a good story. Plastic Man saves the city from Disastro, the Evil Accounting Major."

"NO! And I wanna glass of water too!"  

"Okay, Billy.  Coming right up."

"Good, because .... Wow, Uncle Phil, how'd you do that?!!!"

"Never you mind.  Y'see, Billy, Superman doesn't happen to be your uncle. Now do you want to hear the story or not?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Picture prompt above, story below, and not too horribly off the prescribed 100 word limit at a precise count of 124.  The reason this post is called Bedtime Story II is to distinguish it from Bedtime Story, a piece about my futile attempts to roll my  teenage son back to age 6 and me along with him back to --- well, younger --- by reading him one last bedtime story.   

This is my weekly contribution to the Fabulous Friday Fictioneers and Plastic Man Fan Club for this Friday, February 15, 2013.  I could read you a story now, but you'd be better off bouncing on over to the other fictioneers' talented offerings by clicking the link above.

Goodnight, everybody.  No, you can't have a drink of water!

The Next Dark Knight Rising

   
Who will be the next Dark Knight Rising?

As moviegoers flock like winged creatures of the night this weekend to see "The Dark Knight Rises," a question is already rising in the minds of the fans of the Dark Knight himself.  With the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale trilogy complete, when and where will we see Batman again?  And who will fill the cape and cowl of the Caped Crusader?  

You're in luck.  Casting begins now .....   

Send in the Applicants! 

                                

Wrong Type Entirely.

NEXT!

                       
                    
              Too Short, Too Nuts.

                      NEXT!

Has filled in for another actor before. May have to create new character "Bat-Nurse."   

                         NEXT!

Isn't it enough to fuck up ONE

  superhero movie?

                            NEXT!

         Let me get this straight:

You consider 'Jack and Jill' a 

resume piece for playing

                    Batman?

                          NEXT!

But how can you be both for

   Batman AND the Joker

          at the same time?

                        NEXT!

                         

NEXT!

                
                      Your Highness!

Of course you'd be brilliant!

                            NEXT!

  

Oh, Reg, we've missed you 

                 so much!

                             NEXT!

  Great, we can get Clooney! What? He did what before? 

He did What?!!!         

                     NEXT!

                   
                                  AT LAST!

     The Fresh Face we've

           been looking for!

  Ka-POW!     Ka-BAM!   CRASH!!!

The next Dark Knight has risen! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~