Sunday, June 24, 2018

A Few Ways for a Restaurant to Strike a Blow for the Resistance Even if They're Not Bold Enough to Outright Refuse Restaurant Service to Huckabee Sanders

“Ms. Huckabee Sanders!  Welcome!  How many in your morally bankrupt political party ... I mean, party."

“Would you like a booth, Ms. Huckabee Sanders? Will that be a restaurant booth or Frank Booth from Blue Velvet? 

“Let me show you to your table, Ms. Huckabee Sanders. Would you like smoking, non-smoking, or special place in hell?

“Your menu, Ms. Huckabee Sanders. We have some specials today including cage-free children.  Ooops, I mean cage-free chicken!”

“Your server Ralph will be right with you as soon as he finishes masturbating in the kitchen.” 

“I’m sorry, Ms. Huckabee Sanders, our restrooms are only for non-customers."

“Water?  Sure.  Would you like tap water, sparking water, or Flint Water?”

"We're not a Jewish restaurant and we have no Jews in our kitchen, but let me recommend to you our delicious Corned Beef Special!"

"So you want French Toast, Canadian Bacon, and German Wiener Schnitzel and last night you tried to eat Mexican food?  You really are clueless, aren't you, Ms. Huckabee Sanders?"

"Here’s your lunch, Ms. Huckabee Sanders. It’s piping hot!  OMG, I’m so sorry!!!”

“Yes, we have the little packets of ketchup. One to a customer."

"By any chance did you find one of Ralph's fingernails in the salad?"

“Here’s your check. What do you mean? Oh, the prices factor in the impact of the recent tariffs.”  

“Hope you enjoyed your meal, Ms. Huckabee Sanders.  By the next time you come in we should have the restraining order in place.”


Can you think of more?

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Remembering Bonanza and The Cartwright Clothing Conundrum

It was a ritual for many Baby Boomers every Sunday night in the late 50’s and early 60’s. First we’d watch Ed Sullivan with his panoply of diverse acts ranging from Elvis and the Beatles to Henny Youngman and Senor Wences to Topo Gigio and the guy who spun dozens of plates in the air with a host of very long thin sticks.

Then came the coup de grace, the fabled horse opera known as Bonanza!

Every Sunday night we thrilled to the adventures of Ben Cartwright, master of the Ponderosa Ranch and the patriarch of the Cartwright clan consisting of his three sons, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe - adventures that today seem as contrived and pedestrian as the walkway across Main Street in the town where you live.

Hoss (Dan Blocker), beaming a wide friendly “golly gee” kind of smile, sometimes doffing his hat, looking as if he’d lick your face if you offered him a beef jerky.

Adam (Pernell Roberts), dressed all in black was the only one of the four to be wearing a serious expression because what he wanted was to be doing Shakespeare, not Shoot-em-up Speare.

Little Joe (Michael Landon), smiling boyishly who would fall in love in every episode only to have his beloved die by episode’s end so he would be available to fall in love again in the next episode, and

Ben (Lorne Greene), the gracious benevolent father figure, perfect judge of any dispute between the brothers, and the best toupee wearer since Frank Sinatra.

What was truly unique about Bonanza, however, was that every member of the Cartwright family always wore the same clothing in every episode – same color and style cowboy hat, shirt, pants, boots and probably underwear too - presumably to firmly establish the personal nature of each of the characters in the viewers’ minds.

The last few seasons, though, the embarrassed writers could take it no more and finally began to address the Cartwright clothing conundrum right in the show's  scripts:

The Cartwright Family about to sit down to one of their family dinners.

Ben:  You know, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe, we’ve a got real problem here in Virginia City with George Gilchrist and his outlaw gang.  They’ve sworn to kill us all for bringing his brother, Cookie Gilchrist, to justice.

Adam: With all due respect, Paw, we’ve got a bigger problem with Hoss here. Hoss, you stink!  I haven’t smelled anything as bad as you since eight year old Little Joe fed beans to ol’ Bessie! Take a shower already, dude!

Hoss: Adam, you know none of us have taken a shower in 14 years! We’re not allowed to change our clothes or take a shower until the show’s cancelled. Or until we die in the show, whichever comes first!

Little Joe:  You should talk, Adam!  You smell like the New York City sewer system!

Adam:  And you Little Joe, with that avalanche of dandruff, I could ski down your back.

Ben:  Boys, boys, stop!   I know we all smell like year old cheese and we’ve all been gagging through the last several seasons. But I think the reason is that the money saved in costuming from wearing the same duds each week is producing a bundle of bucks that will be shared with us later in residuals!

Hop Sing (the cook, entering): You stupid Cartwrights!  That’s not how residuals work!  And they don’t even exist yet either! And it really stink in here!

Adam:  If only George Gilchrest does kill us all, we’ll finally get to shower and change our damn clothes!

And this, kind millennials, was our Sunday night ritual.


Sunday, June 10, 2018

What If You Are Hypnotized to Relive Past Lives & Most of Them Turn Out to Be Boring and Uneventful?

“You are getting sleepy, sleepy, sleepy …”

It was true.

I was feeling pretty sleepy all right.

I was fortunate to have been chosen for an experiment by Dr. Lance Lumpkin, a world-renowned expert in the field of regressing people back to experience past lives through hypnosis. Dr. Lumpkin held aloft a watch which he was swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and soon I was in a deep sleep. 

“When I snap my fingers,"  Dr. Lumpkin said, "you will regress to your most recent former life.”


“Who are you?”

“I am Herbie Farkman.”

“What year is it, Mr. Farkman?”


“That’s the year in which April 11 is said to have been the most boring day of the 20th Century.”

“Oh. I thought every day was like that."

“What do you do for a living, Mr. Farkman?”

“I make little bundles of pennies at the bank."

Does it pay well?"


“How did you die, Mr. Farkman?”

“I died?”

“Yes, you did.”

“I haven’t noticed anything different.”

“We are now going to regress you back to a life even earlier.”

“What is your name?”

“Otto the Smelly.”

“What year is it?”

“I don’t know. Guys wear armor a lot around here.”

“Ah, the era of knights, fair damsels, and chivalry. Tell me, Otto the Smelly, are you a great king like Alfred the Great or Richard the Lion-Hearted?”

"No, I'm Otto the Smelly.  I shovel dung."

“Surely you must do something else?”

“I produce the dung.”

“Where do you live?”

“In a hovel with 47 other people.  At night I have group sex with toothless, legless, wart-riven hags named Gretel; want to meet some?"

“What caused your death?”

“Extreme old age.”

“How old were you?”


 "We will now regress you further back to experience one more prior life."

‘Who are you?’

“I am Jesus Christ, the One True Son of God, Savior of all Mankind.”

“Wait a minute!  You’re Jesus Christ?”

“Yes, I was born of a virgin in a manger in Bethlehem to bring hope and joy to all the world.”

“How did you die?”

“I was accused of sedition by the Romans and crucified. The Jews are completely blameless, by the way.”

“With all due respect, Jesus, how can you be Jesus Christ and also Otto the Smelly and Herbie Farkman?”

“I have no idea.”

“Is there no way to find out?”

“You would have to speak directly to my Father, God the Almighty, King of the Universe, and Creator of the Heavens and the Earth."

“How is that possible?”

“You must travel a great distance.”


“And hypnotize Sally Mishkin, of Cincinnati Ohio.” 


Tuesday, June 5, 2018

If Trump Can Pardon Himself, Then He Must Be Able To Do These Things All By Himself As Well ...

1. Steady the ladder while he puts up the Christmas lights.
2. Shoot an apple off his head with a bow and arrow.
3. Have a catch.
4. Dance the Tango.
5. Perform both the Abbott and Costello parts of “Who’s on First.”
6. Rub suntan lotion on his back.
7. Flip a frisbee back and forth.
8. Sing as both Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand on “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Any More.”
9. Do an Alley-Oop.
10. Operate a two-man saw
11. Give a leg up.
12. “Swing Your Partner, Do Si Do!”
13. Push himself from behind on a playground swing.
14. Play Mad Libs.
15. Ride a seesaw.
16. Fight a duel.
17. Tickle himself.
18. Have an actual marriage.
Can you think of any more?


Friday, June 1, 2018

When It Comes To Korea, Trump has a Farr Better Idea

I want to tell you, friends, it was a very strange situation. 

One day I was in Hollywood taping some spots for ME-TV and two government men with badges approached me and whisked me away and next thing I know I’m in the White House standing in front of Donald Trump.

“Why have you brought me here, Mr. Trump,” I asked.

“You’re the actor Jamie Farr who played Klinger on the television show MASH, aren't you?"

“That’s correct.”

“I’m going to meet Kim Jong-un tomorrow in Korea and I need an established expert on Korea to help me.”

“Sir, I only played a character on MASH, which took place in Korea. I’m no expert on Korea!"  

"You have to know more than I do! You certainly knew enough to wear a dress to attempt to get out of the army. Hadn’t they invented bone spurs yet?

“Why not Alan Alda, sir?”

“That no-talent liberal! What kind of ratings is he getting lately?"

“But, sir …”

“Did you bring your dress?  I want to make sure Kim Jong-un recognizes you for the Korean expert you are if I’m going to get the Nobel Prize.”

The next day we were in Singapore, standing in the meeting hall about to meet Kim Jong-un.

“There he is with his interpreter, Mr. Trump!”

“Look at that ridiculous hair!  Can you imagine a world leader with such goofy hair, Klinger?”

“Yes, Mr. President, I'm afraid I can.”

“Here he comes!  What do I say, Klinger?" 

“From my limited experience, Mr. Trump, you have to earn his trust.  Don’t begin discussing business right away. Establish a relationship first.”

“Mr. Jong-un, I’m the president of the United States Donald J. Trump, I won the American election in a landslide such as no one has ever seen before, and here’s the terrific deal I have for you!”

“You sure are a quick study, sir.”

“We’re going to flood the North Korean landscape with delicious restaurants such as as McDonald’s, Olive Garden, and Applebees.”

“Mr. President, I thought we were supposed to try to make things better here.”

“We are! The people are starving.”

“Yes, but like I said, I thought we were trying to make things better here.”

“In exchange for that, Mr. Jong-un, you must give up all your nukes, bow before Zod, and ... put on a dress like Mr. Klinger here.”

“I don't think that went over well, Mr. Trump."

“Then I’m going to unleash fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen!”

“You’re going to use nuclear weapons?!”

“No, I’m going to jump up and down like a spoiled child until I find the best scapegoat I can.  Maybe even your terrible low-rated television show!”

“But you can’t do that, Mr.  President. MASH is an American institution.”

“So is the Constitution. And you can see what I’m doing to that.”