Sunday, June 26, 2011

Welcome Summer!

Are you ready for the Summer?

Welcome, Summer, my favorite time of year!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways …

What I truly love about summer are burnished memories of that school bell ringing on an afternoon in mid-June, spelling liberation from the annual trials and tribulations of reading, writing, and getting beaten up by the fifth grade girls.

“No more classrooms, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks” was truly a rallying cry in a time when teacher’s dirty looks meant a disapproving glare because eating your homework had become a regular part of your dog's diet rather than an ardent and soulful “Come hither, Timmy, you do so remind me of Colin Firth!”

And it seemed incredible that even as we grew older and school was displaced by a new type of daily endeavor that didn’t recognize that it ought to come to a full two and a half month hiatus in mid-June every year, the feeling of Summer as a liberation still remained with me for years to come.

Until one year in the 1980’s when it stopped as dead as the career of a moderate in the Republican Party!

And then it seemed incredible that although the feeling of Summer Liberation was gone forever, continuing unto the present day was and is that recurrent nightmare that I'm still in school, facing an enormous final I haven't studied for, and will be sold into life-long bondage to the goofiest six members of the school's Audio-Visual Club if I flunk!

But what I truly love about Summer is the wonderful warm weather!

What can match the joy of knowing you can go outside anytime without a thought to the elements, aside from my usual obsessing about cadmium,  and never have to worry about bundling up? 

Yes, that six second walk from air conditioned house to air conditioned car when it’s 81 degrees out is so incredibly more comfortable than that six second walk from heated house to heated car when it’s 18, don't you agree?

And the great weather brings with it a whole complement of outdoor fun with camping, boating, fishing, and the mountains!

Of course, I get nauseous whenever I climb aboard any type of nautical vessel, camping may involve spiders!, fishing is cruel and heartless …. to the fish, I might point out, as well as to me …. and mountains, well, I have fear of heights whenever I step on a scale in the drug store to check my weight and fortune.

But what I truly love about Summer is hitting that beach!

Though it’s strange how global warming --- violently unleashed all throughout the globe --- has so far failed to make its way to New Jersey, where the ocean water remains so arctic even the jellyfish opt anymore mostly for mini-golf. 

Who the jellyfish are leaving behind to sting folks in the water I don’t know, but I’ll bet they’re pleased with the progress reports they’re getting on days I venture out into the limb numbing, teeth chattering, something-I’m-not-engaged-to-just-grabbed-my-leg foaming surf and brine.

But back relaxing on the beach, feet in the sand, sun overhead, and all’s well! 

That is, until the copperhead flies begin dive bombing me in the same precipitous trajectory as a Ben Affleck movie the week after release, the sun bakes the top of my insufficiently hair-cushioned head such that Poppin' Fresh dinner rolls all but pop out the top of my scalp, and sand granules settle intractably between both of my contact lenses and my adjacent eyeballs until droves of passing young bikini–clad women cannot help but utter:

Look, that elderly man is crying!  It must be tough to be that goofy looking and that old!”

But what I truly love about Summer is sitting here in my highly air conditioned den, beer in hand, serene in the knowledge that this July the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm will finally hit HBO!

After that, there’s not much happening on TV until the Fall.

Ahhh, the Fall!

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways ….


Friday, June 24, 2011

Reaction News at 11:00

Hey, I totally nailed yesterday's forecast!
Can I help it you’re all such poor listeners?  

Reaction News Theme plays.

Off-Screen Announcer: It’s Reaction News at 11:00, the only news program where anchors and reporters react to each other and you as they really and truly feel, not in a ridiculous and easy-to-see-through phony friendly manner like all the others!

Reaction News Theme continues.

Off-Screen Announcer: With always tense and mutually competitive anchorpersons George Greenleaf and Jen Dozier, woefully inept meteorologist Miles Crawford with the exclusive Cross Your Fingers Forecast, inarticulate former hockey utility player Jean-Guy Stickle with Sports, and the entire more or less third-rate Reaction News team!

Reaction News Theme reaches full crescendo.

Off-Screen Announcer: And now anchor persons George Greenleaf and Jen Dozier!

George: Good Evening! President Obama announces that in order to distract Americans from the deteriorating economy he will shortly expose himself  to what's being termed "Obama's Weinergate" and a stunning investigative report reveals that among the nation's Boy Scouts, fully 47 per cent  of them are "Not Prepared!" But the big news is the Jewish man with a shop in his basement! I’m George Greenleaf

Jen: And I’m Jen Dozier.

George: Jen, it happened today in the Northeast section of Philadelphia!   That's where  authorities received a call from a distraught individual complaining of a bizarre whirring noise emanating from a neighbor’s home. For more on the story, our Northeast Philly correspondent, Annie Willows.  Annie …

Annie: Thank you, George!     First I’d like to say what a pleasure it is to be reporting from this bore-ass section of town after 12 years as your co-anchor, having been booted out in favor of that unqualified bitch now sitting to your left.

George: C’mon, Annie!  You’re 8 years the wrong side of 30, 30 pounds the wrong side of 110, and Jen’s totally on the right side of everything!

Jen: Annie, this is Jen. I understand the whirling noise which George mentioned was actually the sound of a wood saw, something never before heard in a Jewish neighborhood.   And for the record, bitch, not only am I highly qualified, I’m 24 years old, smokin’ hot, and have substantially bigger tits than you do!

Annie:  If only your brains were half as big!  Now, George and Jen, when authorities arrived at the home of one Joel Mandelbaum, they made the shocking discovery you see behind me:  a fully functioning wood shop, a Jewish man cognizant of the difference between a wrench and a pair of pliers, and a finished, stained, and lacquered chest of drawers which police Captain Fred Crenshaw has described as "competently made and quite sturdy!” 
          No charges are being filed because, believe it or not, there is actually nothing illegal about a Jewish man having a shop in his basement!   Reporting live in the Northeast for Reaction News, and reminding you to watch George's hands under the desk at all times, Jen, I’m Annie Willows.

George:  Thanks, Annie. And Jen, ha-ha, don’t listen to Annie about me. Although your taut young body is provoking a kind of sexual tension that makes it difficult ….

Jen:   ....  for me to keep my lunch down, you pompous strutting nincompoop!!!  George, President Obama announced today that to distract the electorate’s attention from the continuing dismal economy,  he will begin engagement in a messy, entangling, and exceedingly sordid extra-marital affair to involve, in the President's words,  "near non-stop sexual relations with a spot-on Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike." To facilitate the new 'Distraction Initiative,' First Lady Michelle Obama separately announced that effective COB Monday, June 27, 2011, she will begin withholding sex from the President.   And I’m sure you know lots about that, George!

George:   Me?  About withholding sex?  Hah!   Well, yeah .... I have been married three times. Four, if you count twice to the castrating vegan! And now it’s time for meteorologist Miles Darrow Miles, let’s hope you don’t screw up this weekend’s forecast as badly as last weekend’s because, as you may have heard, people have these things called "plans." 

Miles: That’s great coming from you, George, someone who doesn’t know whether to look up or down to see if it's raining!  I'd do a much better job of forecasting if the same idiot that hired you would spring for meteorological equipment a bit more sensitive and up-to-date than the Farmer’s Almanac!   Anyway, your exclusive Reaction News Cross Your Fingers Forecast for tomorrow is: Partly.  It’s got to be partly something or other! 
George: Thanks, Miles!  You know, Jen, if it should be partly this weekend ...

Jen: …. I’ll be as far away from you as you are from sobriety, your stated age of 43, and any reasonable and discernible measurement of vertebrate intelligence whatsoever! Now, here is  former marginally adequate hockey player Jean-Guy Stickle, who knows nothing of any other sport but hockey, with that all-important Phillies update and all the Sports News!

Jean-Guy: Hello, sports fans! In Juniors play up in Moose Gonads, Northwest Territories, it was the Frigid Earmuffs 2, the Icicle Kings 1….

Jen: Okay, thanks, Jean-Guy!  One too many slap shots to the head, I guess. George?

George: That’s tonight’s Reaction News. For Jen Dozier, Miles Darrow, and Jean-Guy Stickle, this is George Greenleaf, have a great weekend, everyone!

Jen: Have a great weekend, everyone?  All of them?!

George: Well, Jen, that’s a standard signoff …..

Jen: What about unrepentant Nazis?  How about the jerk who cut you off in traffic today and flipped you the bird?  Shouldn’t Tracy Morgan have lousy a weekend?

George: I guess you’re right ….

Jen: The following people should have a great weekend, please listen carefully for your name: Abercrombie, Ralph Jr.; Alexander, Francis; Applebaum, Maury  but with this qualification ….

George:  And put me down for a great weekend too, Jen, provided after the broadcast you and I ….

Jen: ….. Not a chance, you besotted, bewigged illegitimate offspring of a teleprompter and a poised and ready needle brimming with Botox!  To resume:  Asbert, ClydeAtwater, Wendell, great until 2:00 A.M. Saturday, rotten thereafter; Aucoin, Medford ....

George: And for all those of you who --- unlike me --- ever actually have one:   Good Night!


Monday, June 20, 2011

What's in a Word?

Now that's a Senior!

What’s in a Word?

If words have power --- and I believe they do --- I’m about to create a wholly new definition for a word whose multiple meanings are about to be reduced by one!

That word is "SENIOR."

I’ll explain.

Baby Boomers are the first generation of Americans to possess their own unique and sociologically bestowed name.

We were Baby Boomers when we were watching Captain Kangaroo and Romper Room, Baby Boomers when protesting the Vietnam War and the perceived high price of pot, Baby Boomers as we maneuvered our way through mortgages, minivans, and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and Baby Boomers today when we flick on the TV and just about the only person who looks like us is Wilford Brimley.

Baby Boomer ---That is our name. We need no other.

Boomer does not carry implicit within it the concept of age, complacency, decline and decrepitude.

Call someone a Senior and he or she craves warm milk and a nap and thinks someone like Carson Daly is hip. 

Call someone a Boomer and he’s scaling the high Himalayas, the heights of passion, and anything and everything except scaling back!

Before we proceed, there’s a detail or two to be hammered out.

Many restaurants feature an economically priced but ill-termed meal known as a Senior Special.  How much more uplifting to be greeted with  "Good Evening, my name is Claude, these are tonight's Boomer Specials ....  and, never fear, Greatest Generation, got your back as well!"

As for Senior Living Communities, well, why choose to reside somewhere where the youngest person you know thinks the cute perky one is Regis?  Yet if live there you must, keep this in mind: when the men in your water aerobics class begin to have bigger breasts than the women, switch to the 8:35 A.M. class, re-name it Boomer Aerobics, and for god’s sake, exercise those pecs!

Here’s the definition promised.

From now on, the word "SENIOR" shall be defined only as:

a) A father of a male child, Protestant and possessed of a trust fund, bearing the same first name as the male child,  provided that name is John, JamesChauncey, or Muffin.   

b) Someone who will graduate from a high school or other institution of higher learning at the conclusion of the current academic year provided he or she does not have to take math.

Got that?    I’m calling the OED people tomorrow.

Think this much ado about rien de tout?  Think the words we choose to call one another don’t matter? 

Try telling that to the nearest African American, Italian, Hispanic, Jew, or just about anybody else on the planet!

BTW, I plan to shortly also redefine the words elderly and aged. Preliminary projections indicate that both will be reconfigured to refer only to former President of the United States Jimmy Carter.

With me, Boomers?

Or are ya cravin’ that nap?

More to Come!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Meet The Beatles, Mr. Zuckerberg

The new Kindle's on sale, mates, it's off to Target! 

Ever wonder what would have happened if the word's greatest ever band had come face to face with today's social media? What if John, Paul, George, and Ringo suddenly sprang to life as 20-somethings in their heydey in the age of smart phones, hashtags, and "you've got male?

Ever pause to ponder that?

No, of course you haven't.    But never you mind, because ... 

Just role up for the Mystery Tour,  step right this way!

Text Man
(to the tune of Taxman)

One, two, three, four
One, two….

Let me tell you how it will be.
I’m texting you, you’re texting me.

Cause you’re the Text Man.
Yeah, the Text Man!

Should money spent appear too small. 
Get going, you can text them all!

Cause you’re the Text Man.
Yeah, yeah, the Text Man!

If you hit a bar, text the barkeep,
If you take a trip, text Uncle Pete,
If you’re Michael Phelps, text swimming meet,
If you take a walk, yeah, text your feet!

Text Man!

Cause you’re the Text Man.
Yeah, the Text Man!

You like texting by the score. (Ah hah, get your bill soon.)
Keep texting, you could still pay more. (Ah hah, texting’s sweet!)

Cause you’re the Text Man.
Yeeeah, the Text Man!

Now my advice for those who die.
Text Man!
Just keep on texting from the sky.
Text Man!

Cause you’re the Text Man.
Yeah, The Text Man!

And you’re working for nothing but texting!
Text Man!


Blackberry Ringing
(to the tune of Blackbird

Blackberry ringing in the dead of night.
Take these smokin’ things, watch e-mails fly!

All your life.
You are always waiting for an e-mail to arrive.

Blackberry ringing in the dead of night.
Not hard to theorize, it’s plain to see.

All your life.
Forever you’ll be waiting for a moment to be free.

Blackberry fine! Blackberry mine!
Ringing all night through the dark black night.

Blackberry fine! Blackberry mine!
Ringing all night ‘til the broad daylight.

Blackberry ringing in the dead of night.
Take these smokin’ things and e-mails fly!

All your life.
You are only sated when an e-mail does arrive.
With this gadget you are mated in an e-mail paradise. 

You are always waiting for an e-mail to arrive.


You Won't Friend Me
(to the tune of You Won't See Me)

When I call you up,
Your line's engaged.
I have had enough,
So I hit your Facebook page!

I send you a request,
You act like I’m Pete Best.
And I just cannot rest,

If you won't friend me,
You won't friend me.

You won't friend me,
You won't friend me!

I don't know ..... why you 
Should only want to share
Some profile info with everyone,
Even your likes aren’t posted there!

I've so much to post,
Don’t make me give up the ghost!
I won’t go psycho like Glen Close.

And you won't friend me,
You won't friend me.

You won't friend me,
You won't friend me!

Time after time,
You leave my friend request unspoken.
I wouldn't mind
If I knew what I weren’t pokin'.

Though my Facebook friends are few,
They're filled with tears.
My friend request to you
Been's gathering dust for years!

Yes, I tell you, sister,
I’m getting all kinds of bitter,
And I’ll just hop on over to Twitter,

If you won't friend me,
You won't friend me!

You won't friend me,
You won't friend me!

Oooohhhh!  La, la, la!
Oooohhhh!  La, la, la!

Oooohhhh!  La, la, la!
Oooohhhh!  La, la, la!  (and fade out ...)


Hope you enjoyed this lazed-out excursion into the realm of unmitigated blog filler.

And I’d like to say thank you on behalf of the group and myself, and I hope we passed the audition ...


Friday, June 10, 2011

The Stylish Blogger Award

Mine, mine, all mine!

Marni Mann is a talented author and terrific twitterer (@MarniMann) and blogger (Marni Mann: The Memoir of a Writer)  who happens to be named after a movie made by Alfred Hitchcock.

Frankly it’s one of the lousier movies made by Alfred Hitchcock.

Marnie, (1964) features a tepid performance by Tippi Hedrin, an odd miscasting of the young Sean Connery, and “a surprise ending” even M. Night Shyamalan would have rejected. However, if you have to be named after an Alfred Hitchcock movie, it beats going through life with everyone calling you Psycho!

Recently Marni was kind enough to bestow upon me the highly coveted Stylish Blogger Award. To be honest, I’m referred to as "stylish" about as often as Anthony Weiner is referred to as "photogenic."  So, such as to properly reflect the image of this outstanding award, I got myself a haircut and bought some nice new clothes.

Do I look okay, Marni? And where would you like me to send these bills?

In accepting the Stylish Blogger Award, I can only say I am truly honored and that I plan to place it on my fireplace mantle right next to the Versatile Blogger Award presented to me last year by none other than Ms. Meryl Streep! (Note: Not only is that complete bullshit, I don’t even have a mantle, let alone a fireplace!)

The Stylish Blogger Award comes with the stipulation that each recipient share seven random facts about himself or herself. Among the hundreds of thousands of fascinating things about me, I have elected to share with you the following:

1) I am terrified of sharp knives. I have spent the better part of the last twenty years attempting to develop food with zippers.

2) This is my favorite joke:

I used to play baseball for Caesar’s baseball team back in the glory days of Rome. One Sunday afternoon we were playing a game dedicated to the revered Gods on Olympus when I was called out on strikes on a third strike pitch I’m sure was low and inside.

I turned to the umpire and said, “You, sir, are neither holy nor Roman nor an umpire!”

If you don’t get that one, I don’t hold out much hope you’ll like my second favorite joke, “St. Thomas Aquinas, Gertrude Stein, and Moses Maimonides walk into a bar….”

3) I have no math sense whatsoever. Keep this is mind if we’re ever in a restaurant together and you ask me to figure out the check!

4) The most famous person I’ve ever had sex with is Jane Goldfarb. Yep, you heard right! Jane Goldfarb!!!

5) I once met Moe Howard of the Three Stooges when I was ten years old. Yes, he did gouge my eyes out. Yes, he did pull me along by my hair. But to my everlasting regret and shame, he did not hit me over the head with a crow bar.

6) I am terrified of heights. My entire life is like the dream sequence in Vertigo in which Jimmy Stewart envisions himself falling in terror from tremendous heights, only not as well directed.           

7) I have personally proposed to Tom Cruise that he make a series of Gay Scientologist movies.

8) Bonus Fact: I am a big fan of the Philadelphia Phillies, although they root against me just about any chance they get!

Now comes the part where I get to play James Franco and Anne Hathaway whose combined ages depressingly equal just one year older than I am, as I pass the Stylish Blogger Award along to three deserving blogging buddies. It’s supposed to be five, but I’m the award winner and I fully reserve my right to be both iconoclastic and ornery! 

The envelopes please ….

Think book bloggers are boring? Yeah, you probably do, considering you follow me and therefore think great writing comes inside the stale tasteless cookie you crack open each and every Saturday night around 2:05 A.M. following your stoned Chinese take-out and Shelley and Joyce are those two Jewish girls your buddy fixed you up with in college that you both miserably struck out with.

Well, unlettered yokel mine, not this book blogger!

Tim Lowe aka @Book_Dude is an insatiable reader and writer who shares his literary and life perceptions in a lively, informative, and often intensely personal manner. In his blog Bookspin, Tim offers thoughts on books as diverse as Hitch 22: A Memoir by Christopher Hitchens to Inside the World of ESPN while managing to employ words and phrases like “capacious” and “ contradictions that contain their own multitudes” in a manner that makes us actually wish we knew what the hell they mean.

@Book_Dude gives you everything you’d ever need or want to know about the latest hot-off-the-fiction-or-non-fiction bookshelf regardless of whether you actually want to read what he purveys or, like you, just want to know which books to leave around half-open to impress random babes and other dignitaries who may be stopping by. You should be stopping by Bookspin.

One of the most eclectic blogs I’ve ever read is the work of mystery writer K.B. Owen (@kbowenwriter) who’s also a former college professor with a doctorate in 19th Century literature. With regular features entitled Mystery Mondays, Wise Word Wednesdays, and Fashion Fridays, Dr. Owen offers compelling courses on each of her obviously beloved subjects at K. B. Owen, Mystery Writer.

When it comes to mysteries, Kathy provides a thorough investigation of whichever mystery genre, writer, or hard-boiled detective she has under the microscope at the time, be it Hitchcock, Charlie Chan, or Encylopedia Brown. Fashion Friday shifts gears to provide a comprehensive look at 19th Century fashion, accompanied by a fully-painted portrait of the era replete with original period photos and artwork. And Wise Word Wednesdays represents Kathy’s musings on famous and not so famous words, phrases, and quotations. Hmmm .... maybe Kathy can help us figure out what the devil “capacious” and “contradictions that contain their own multitudes” mean. 

If you’re the kind of person who’s fascinated by the fact that Charlie Chan was played only by white guys and never by an Asian or enjoy discovering a 19th Century rendering of the innards of a woman constricted by the wearing of an  au courant corset of the time, then K. B. Owen, Mystery Writer is the blog for you. It’s certainly one for me.

There almost as much going on in Heaven and Earth as well as in your philosophy, Horatio, in  Fantasies, Mysteries, Comedies, Recipes, as the expansive title of Marian Allen’s (@MarianAllen) blog suggests. For one, there are Hot Flashes, short short SHORT stories that express fully realized events, thoughts and feelings in less time than it takes me to say “Duh, which way did he go, George?”

Here’s but a sampling of two:

First Allison had a cold, then Louise, then Johnny, then Spike and Lady Margaret. Sometimes, multiple personality disorder was no damn fun.

 The days and nights are equal lengths tonight and I’ll start being good. By mid-summer, I’ll be a paragon. Then the nights get longer.

Go ahead, dude, you do one as good, I dare ya!

Marian's blog also contains longer stories, links to other published works, poetry, interviews, reviews, and recipes. Though recipe blogs aren’t my thing, Marian even includes a recipe for latkes, which I make only with a Manischewitz mix. So non-Jewish Marian's versatile blog even manages to prove that she’s a better Jew than I am! 

But you don’t have to be Jewish ---- or anything else --- to enjoy Fantasies, Mysteries, Comedies et al.

Those are the awards, folks; I’ll see all the winners at the after party. Drinks are on me, but since I’m not telling anyone where the after party happens to be and since in fact there really isn’t any after party, I’m not all that concerned that Tim, Kathy, and Marian are going to ring up much of a bill on me.

And once again, Marni Mann, thank you very much for the Stylish Blogger Award!

But picking me?

What are you?



Monday, June 6, 2011

Its Name is Placebook

Everyone just loves the new Placebook!

In the wake of Weinergate, the newest social network hit the World Wide Web late last night!

Its name is Placebook.  

Placebook provides a forum for participants to exchange candid pictures of very special places they hope other participants will have a strong hankering to visitHaving a keen interest in social media, I decided to take a good hard look at Placebook and see what it's whipped out so far to participants.  I googled Placebook, and with burgeoning excitement I climbed aboard the site and entered it!

Placebook is a bit different from most of the other social media networks you're probably familiar with. On Twitter, you follow other participants.  In Facebook, you friend them. When you're on Placebook, you end them. Some of the folks on Placebook have already ended dozens of other people! 

After some time I was successful in ending three people, all nice fellas who appear to be incarcerated. My new Placebook buddies are already sending me pictures of a few places I can't say I'd ever want to visit, but which at least give me perspective as to why Jewish guys have such a hard time getting chicks. As in Facebook, Placebook has a "poke" feature. Unlike as in Facebook,  in Placebook the concept of having a "poke" feature actually makes sense.

I know what you're thinking.  "I'm already on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.  Why do I need Placebook?" 

Because, my friend, social media literally defines our times.  You don't want to be caught short, dicking around, or labeled a putz.  And ironically those are the names of the three other special features Placebook offers along with poke to those who choose to thrust themselves firmly through its portals.

And I used to think Twitter sounded dirty!


Saturday, June 4, 2011

But I’m Not Gay!

Y' know, not half bad!
These days I’m trying to figure out how I want to look as an older guy.

But I’m not gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

You see, I’ve begrudgingly begun to accept the fact that I have more than entered the “post-cute” phase of my existence here on the planet. I simply no longer have it within my power to be cute!

I can’t affect cute, I can’t imitate cute, I can’t in any manner conjure or implore cute. True, I can think cute and I can even act cute, but I can never again BE CUTE!

So, I’m spending an inordinate amount of time checking out plus 60 year old guys in an effort to figure out which one among them whose looks aren’t liable to cost anyone their lunch I may best repackage myself into resembling. It’s a daunting task.

And when you tend to spend your time staring intently at a lot of men, well, some may quite naturally think you’re looking to find a partner for Sunday brunch with waffles and ice cream followed by an afternoon of antiquing.

“That’s not a bad looking man,” I thought to myself the other day while staring excessively at an older dude who looked a bit like the actor Donald Sutherland. Yep, distinguished gray beard, professorial look, and I think … uh … he just winked at me!

Wondering how I might look in a very gray beard, I realized I’d probably more closely resemble Roy Rogers' sidekick Gabby Hayes than Donald Sutherland

“Hi,” said the professorial chap as he cheerily approached me. “Couldn’t help but notice you looking me over!”

“Oh, uh, hi,” I said. “I have to tell you I’m not gay.  

“Nor am I,” said pseudo - Sutherland. “I just didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Didn’t want to disappoint me?  

No, Hawkeye, I only want to resemble you, not ride you like a steer!

A bit later, I began scrutinizing a rather regal looking oldster with intriguing facial structure a la a less dissipated Malcolm McDowell.

He gave me a quizzical look, then a smile.

Busted again!

“I’m not gay,” I assured him as he sidled on up to me. “I just wanted to see if maybe I could affect cheekbones like yours with a bit of make-up."

“Don't be upset, my friend,” he replied warmly. “I am gay, very nice to meet you!”

Oh … oh... good,"  I stammered.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Uhh, umm ...  meeting any nice gay guys?"

Unflappable as usual.

"I'm flattered you want to look like me," he said, "but you shouldn't worry. You look just fine." 

Not only did he turn out to be a very nice guy, he even let me take his picture so I could review it later  with my stylist.  I hope he meets a lot of nice gay guys going forward.

Frankly I’ve just got to get better at all this surreptitious scrutinizing. Or maybe just accept the fact that however I look is how I’m gonna look?

Hey, check out that guy over there!  Looks like the older Cary Grant!

But, of course, I'm not gay!

Hmm.  Wonder if he’s a good dancer….


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Idea or I-DUD?

Stephen Hawking & the Hoff (l to r)
  (see No. 3 below)

Like most of us, I am often given to speculating about new ideas for products or services that could make me a bundle.

I’m sure you do the same.

However, unlike the lame-brained impractical ideas you come up with like the Barbie/Arnold Schwarznegger Domestic Help Fun Set, my ideas are pretty damn good.  Every one of them would stand a great chance of making big money if only the mere thought of actually putting down the clicker and implementing one of them didn’t induce in me a whining sound that literally summons dogs from miles around.

Still I’m not getting any younger (Note to Self: Come up with machine that enables me to get younger), so it’s time to get off my duff!  I’ve listed below the outstanding ideas for getting rich that have recently occurred to me, and I’d like you to get off your ass (I decided not to use the goofy word duff again) and pick the ones I ought to be putting into play.

I'm asking you to comment because I've already requested son Brandon review the list and eliminate whatever he thought unlikely of success, although why he crossed the Hillary Clinton Blow-Up Doll off the list is totally beyond me!

So tell me now:  Which of the following is an IDEA and which is an I-DUD?

(And, oh yes:  if the idea or ideas you select involve any technical or mechanical skills or know-how --- which being a Jew I obviously don't possess--- please also recommend a nice Italian man I can hire to implement them.) 

Thank you!
 PS. Don’t steal any of my ideas.
PPS. Once I’m famous, don’t even think about trying to contact me.

1) French Toast Which Insults You As You Eat It. “That’s the best you can pour syrup?”  “You call that masticating?”  “Instead of you, why couldn’t I have been eaten by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, just like all the others?”

2) Underwear that Automatically Washes Itself as Soon as You’re in an Accident.

3) Calculus with the Stars.  Renowned experts in the world of math and science weekly cram the operating principles of the universe down the gullets of the very top of the Hollywood D-List. Most likely Season One Winners: Professor Stephen Hawking and the Hoff!

4) Sell one shoe in tandem with a booklet entitled “The Joys of Hopping on One Foot.”

5) Establish humane meat packing company which provides meat products derived from animals which die only from natural causes, highway accidents, or suicide.

6) Develop and Market line of business cards which say “THIS IS THE FAX NUMBER, STUPID! WANT TO RUPTURE YOUR EARDRUM, GO AHEAD & DIAL IT!  

7) Mean Horn, Nice Horn. Cars will come equipped with two horns, one for when some jerk almost crashes into you and another for when you just want to pleasantly signal the driver ahead of you that the light has changed. A great safety feature to have whenever you accidentally push down too hard when you intend to make the nice horn sound and create the mean horn sound and the driver in front of you turns out to be an irascible member of the National Rifle Association!

8) Establish new restaurant franchise known as “The International Apartment of Pancakes

9) Edible Pornography. Enjoy yourself, then chow down on the evidence. 

10) Republican Presidential Candidate Bobble Head Dolls.

11) Establish Placement Agency for Deposed Dictators. Provide job-seeking services for discarded despots including much-needed assistance in developing more marketable descriptive adjectives than “blood-thirsty” “rapacious” and “genocidal" for inclusion in resume Personal Summary

12) Clone-able Socks. Think this one's a winner, but frankly I’m going to need a really good Italian man to figure out the mechanics of it!

13) Create and market healthful salad that looks and tastes as good as a hot fudge sundae.  N-a-a-a-h-h-h!  Who'd care?

14) Eliminate unnecessary dual use of term “double-decker.” Slather double-decker bus with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, turkey, bacon, and ham. Affix wheels and exhaust to double-decker sandwich.

15) Weinergate.  Meet the newest slang word in the English language: whatever else it's used for, shouldn't it also become a synonym for zipper?  Zip up that Weinergate of yours, and spread it around!

Thank you for helping me to answer the question "Idea or I-DUD?"

What's that? 

What do you mean "I-DUNCE?!!!"