Monday, March 30, 2015

Another 30 Reasons that 60 is Not the New 40


Yep, sounds good.  Feels right.  Guess what?
It's Bullshit!


Over the course of the past several years, I've humbly put together several lists the purpose of which is to demonstrate that unlike most Boomers would like to believe,  60 is not the new 40. The most comprehensive of these lists appears in the Huffington Post dated October 1, 2014 entitled (inaccurately) 60 Signs You're Way Past Middle Age. 

Here's another 30 reasons that 60 is not the new 40 to add to the official cannon:

1) Regardless of whether he or she likes the song Happy, somebody who is 60 thinks Pharrell Williams' hat is stupid.

2) During the years he or she was growing up, somebody who is 40 had heavily impressed upon him or her the critical importance of flossing your teeth, not just brushing. You still don't floss.

3) Somebody who is 60 grew up thinking it was cool that "Davy Crockett kilt him a bar (bear) when he was only three" instead of appalling and disgusting as somebody who is 40 clearly would have.

4)  Somebody who is 60 remembers prayer in the schools.  Somebody who is 40 only remembers prayer in the schools before the Algebra final.

5) Somebody who is 60 watched My Mother the Car.

6) When somebody who is 40 hears that there was once a TV show called Make Room for Daddy,  he or she asks "Make Room for Daddy?  Why? Was Daddy big and fat, like Governor Christie?"

7) Somebody who is 60 could easily fill in the following blank: "If you want shoes with lots of pep, get Keds, - - -, Keds." Somebody who is 40 might be able to fill in the blank, but it would have to be a totally lucky guess. 

8) Somebody who is 40 might watch The Bachelor, although I hope not.

9) Somebody who is 40 may have a toddler.  The only toddler somebody who is 60 has is himself after having one drink too many.

10) Somebody who is 40 would have no way of distinguishing between Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smith.

11) Somebody who is 60 knows precisely how Hertz put you in the driver's seat.
  
12) Somebody who is 40 does not think Father Knows Best is a television show starring actor Robert Young that somebody who is 60 used to watch long ago but one of the most sexist statements he or she has ever heard in their lives! 

13) When somebody who is 40 runs into a friend and tells him he or she is retired, the friend says "That's terrific! How did you do it?!!" When somebody who is 60 runs into a friend and tells him or her he's retired, the friend says "At your age of course you're retired!!"

14) "77 Sunset Strip (snap, snap) ." Okay, somebody who is 40: Explain the (snap, snap).

15)"From out of the blue of the western sky comes Sky King!"  Was Sky King the airplane or the pilot in this 50's TV show?  A breeze for somebody who is 60.

16) Somebody who is 40 grew up with Sesame Street.  

17) If you ask somebody who is 60 and somebody who is 40 to name British Invasion bands, somebody who is 60 could not possibly miss the Dave Clark Five, Freddy and the Dreamers, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Herman's Hermits, Peter and Gordon, and Chad and Jeremy. Somebody who is 40 gotta miss at least one.

18) Somebody who is 60 gets Beck and Jeff Beck mixed up. (You don't, fellow Boomers? I always think Beck means Jeff Beck.) 

19) Somebody who is 60 remembers a time before there was a Super Bowl.

20) Somebody who is 40 doesn't particularly give a crap that James Taylor is bald.

21)Somebody who is 60 remembers the TV spot featuring a hipper-than-hip Robert Lamm of the super group Chicago singing an anti-drug song while his hotter-than-hot girlfriend admiringly gazed at him, while somebody who is 40 wonders why anyone would pay the slightest attention to an anti-drug song by a middling keyboardist from a so-so 70's group that did Saturday in the Park and Does Anybody Know What Time It Is? and who the hell knows what else.

22) When somebody who is 40 gazes into their bathroom mirror, they do not cry out "OMG,  this mirrors on the fritz; I've got to get it into the shop for repairs!"

23) When someone mentions the word "turkey" and it isn't Thanksgiving, somebody who is 40 does not immediately begin rapidly hitting their neck with the back of their hand in a vain attempt to smooth it out.

24) Somebody who is 40 is not at all upset by this list.  Somebody who is 40 is upset by the list  "Another 30 Reasons that 40 is not the new 20," if indeed such a list can be found to exist. 

25) Somebody who is 40 grew up with the word "hydrated."

26)  You have vivid memories of Dwight David Eisenhower. Wait a minute: nobody has vivid memories of Dwight David Eisenhower!

27) Unlike somebody who is 40 would have, somebody who is 60 didn't blink an eye at the lyrics to the theme to Green Acres "You are my wife!" "Goodbye City Life!" as Eddie Albert yanked Eva Gabor to the country life against her will.

28) Somebody who is 40 thinks J. Fred Muggs was Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 1957.

29) "Hold it, I think you're going to like this picture" --- Somebody who is 40 does not recognize this tag line, have any idea what television show it belonged to, and/or know that Ann B. Davis was a regular in a TV show before The Brady Bunch.  (Actually somebody who is 60 may not either!)

30) Somebody who is 60 never talks about memes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Gazebo in Monroe Park (FF)


(Copyright David Stewart)

Wednesday nights in summer we'd all head down to the Gazebo in the middle of Monroe Park to hear the open air concerts.

The band consisted mostly of our fathers and grandfathers and truth to say, nobody was all that good. But the music was sweet, the nights were warm, and frankly there wasn't much else to do in the town.

All of us assumed it would last forever.

Now years later there hasn't been a concert since anyone can remember and all the band member have passed on.

Even the Gazebo is gone, replaced of all things by a McDonald's.

Now I can get me a Big Mac any time I want.  This is way better than those lousy concerts!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was going to go serious until the last minute when I lost my nerve and nose dived into a virtual promo for McDonald's. Thus my contribution this week to the Friday Fictioneers consists of this lovely bit of nostalgia which reads more like nostalgia for an Egg McMuffin than for band concerts in summer. 

Click here for more palatable and tasty weekly fare from the other Friday Fictioneers.

Do you yet hear the music from long ago and far away?   Me neither, let's eat!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Alex Trebek Ruminates On His Career On the Last Day He Hosts Jeopardy


Here I am at my very last show. This is a moment, all right.  Let me compose myself for the occasion.

God, I'm so sick of this fucking gig!

This will be the last time I'll ever hear Johnny Gilbert warble


 "This is Jeopardy!"  

Thank God! The old drunk, how does a guy make a career out of saying three words, and overacting on two of them? And when is he going to retire, when his larynx actually implodes and takes out half the audience?

You know what else I won't miss? The ridiculous premise of the show! Jeopardy gives you the "answer" and you come up with the "question?" REALLY? That's been nonsensical since Art Fleming was in knickers!  All you actually do is slap an arbitrary "What is" on whatever handful of words you have to say in order to not lose control of the board.

If the category is "Revolutionary Adjectives," who would respond to a Jeopardy clue like "the Guillotine" with the question "What is bloody?"  In the real world if you were asked "What is bloody?" you would probably answer something like "the time of the month I can't get it on with my wife," not "the Guillotine." 

Check it out, people!

And I'll tell you what else is stupid: the Daily Double. When you land on a normal space on the board you immediately know the clue and amount of money at stake. Hit the Daily Double and you know neither! "That's a True Daily Double" I intone enthusiastically to the contestant seeking to double his money when what I mean is "That's a True Moron, risking it all on a clue that might conceivably reduce Ken Jennings to a blubbering idiot." 

For all the feigned intellectuality Jeopardy brings to the tube, it sure as hell doesn't bring any sartorial splendor. Who developed the dress code for this show - the cast of Hee Haw?

None of our contestants ever seems to know how to put a shirt together with a sweater that doesn't leave you feeling like you've just dropped acid. Just look at these three tonight: Our champion is wearing a shirt so heavily stained it could be pressed into service as a tablecloth in an Italian restaurant,   t
he challenger in the middle is an over aged lady wearing enough jewelry to populate the tombs of a half dozen Egyptian potentates, and the porky guy on the end is sporting a paisley vest that makes him look like a gay hippopotamus.

Some people say I'm a little cold. They say I don't smile enough, that I'm not sympathetic to the feelings of kids on Jeopardy Teen Tournaments, and that I have no interest in the life stories of the contestants.  Yep, right on all counts!  

After 30 years, how could I possibly give a crap that our champion met his wife over an award-winning Mud Cake with Gummy Worms at a Pillsbury Bake-off in Wichita, Kansas or that Junior here took a break from masturbating to build a robot whose primary functionality is masturbating? Like I’m ever going to see these people again after I finish pretending to be listening to their palaver at show's end?

Frankly I'm only interested in the contestants with big boobs.  I'd love to go into Final Jeopardy with any one of them.

I wonder what Pat Sajak is thinking about my retiring. I hate that stupid smiley faced simp! I can't believe the guy was once actually given a late night talk show. He pulls down a talk show, I get Colonial Penn Life Insurance! He got to chat up Paris Hilton, I’m hanging with lunch ladies obsessed with burial costs.

And, trust me, the Colonial Penn benefit stinks.  It's not enough to bury a flea. 

I guess the funniest thing is the way so many people think I know all the answers on Jeopardy.  Ha!  Except for Potent Potables, I hardly know any.  My mustache is smarter than I am; when I shave it I can barely make it to the studio and back.

I wonder what retirement is going to be like.

The Jeopardy Clue: A
nother reason I can't believe I ever found that shrew appealing before I wound up home all the time!


The correct Jeopardy Question: What is "Leave the goddamn toilet seat down, jerk!"


See, folks?  There's another example of the ridiculous premise of the show!

~~~~~~~~~
Note: This is a humor piece only and is not meant to actually depict or convey the true thoughts and/or opinions of the real Alex Trebek.  However, if I've actually hit it perfectly, that is so damn cool!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

On the Trail of the Blobbit (FF)



As they arrived in the clearing, Hayes and Biggins were certain they had at long last found what they sought.

"We've done it, Biggins!" said Hayes. "We've finally succeeded in tracking the Blobbit's lair by following his nightly call."

"And to think," replied Biggins, "neither you nor I has ever actually seen a Blobbit." 

"I'm going to inspect his dwelling place," ventured Hayes, as he cautiously approached the dwelling's entrance and entered.

"No, no, Hayes!"  cried Biggins.   

It was too late.  The entrance closed around Hayes, fully enveloping him.

"Blobbit!  Blobbit!  Blobbit!"

"Darn it," said Biggins, "another second and I'd have recognized the Blobbit's eyes and mouth!  But I'll bet you Friday Fictioneers saw this contrived ending coming a mile away."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, this is kind of your standard issue "wild creature or alien unexpectedly turns out to eat people" story.  I think it's registered as Lame Storyline No. 37A in the annals of "Friday Fictioneer Desperation," last published Feb, 2013.

But what do you want from me?  I haven't had my laptop in a week. I'm lucky I still remember how to type!  At least you have about 100 other stories to chose from, none of them hopefully mentioning the Blobbit or any fascimile thereof, by clicking here.

"Blobbit!  Blobbit!  Blobbit!"  I gotta say that Hayes was tasty!

Monday, March 16, 2015

"Bye, Future Car," Part II

                                            "Bye, Future Car"
A New Version of a TV Commercial You've No Doubt Seen

The guy from the first commercial and his wife are standing in front of their lovely suburban home about to get into their late model Audi. As he climbs into the driver's seat he gives his wife a kiss on the cheek, upon which a strange man comes up behind them.

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Of course, she's my wife.  Who are you?"

"Oh, hi, I'm the Second Husband."

"What do you mean?  We just got married."

"Correct.  You're the first husband, and I'm the second.  One, two." 

"Honey, get in the car!"

"Funny how I'll be saying the exact same thing to her in eight years.  Five if you count the three years we'll be messing around behind your back."

"Messing around behind my ...?!!" 

"I hope you're not the kind of guy who likes to do things around the house. Because I'm so lazy I can't be counted on to flush the toilet, let alone put the toilet seat down."

"No, I like to do lots of ..."

"And what about Mudbone? I hope you make First Wife take care of him because he's always throwing up around leather and the only thing that mutt is good for is humping your leg!" 

"No, no, I love taking care of ..."

"Well, cut it out! You should think about me, and all the other husbands after me!"

"Husbands after you?!  How many are there?"

"Who knows? You know how relationships go these days, First Husband."

"I don't get it. Why would she ever dump me for you?"

"I should think you wouldn't have to ask that.  I have a lot of Italian blood."

"You're crazy!  Honey, let's get out of here!"

"Bye, Future Wife!"

"Don't talk to him, honey. Roll up the window!"

"Bye, Future House. Bye, Future Huge Chunk of First Husband's 401 (k) Account.  Bye Future Prestigious Country Club Membership First Husband Can No Longer Afford."

"Shut up!!  Leave us alone!!!"

"Oh, I forgot. There's one more thing."

"What's that?"

"Bye, Future Car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Now I, Mudbone, am the star of two Audi Commercials!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

To The Hunt! (FF)

copyright Sandra 
Crook
"To the Hunt!  To the Hunt!"

"I love it every year, Chauncey:  the annual "Shot to Smithereens Fox Hunt."

"Yes, what great sport, Maximilian!  Did you see my new hunting rifle? It's a double speed triple axle Kill the Little Sucker Mangler." 

"Good show. Look Chauncey, a small fox right now, running through the meadow!"

"He's about to feel the wrath of our mighty thunder."

"Wait!  What's that he's got in hand?"

"It looks like a semiautomatic assault rifle.   Wherever could such a creature secure one of those in the United States without ID and back ground check?"

"He's firing rapid rounds!"

"That's so unfair, Maximilian. Why doesn't he pick on someone his own size?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For some reason the Friday Fictioneer picture prompt above made me think of fox hunts, so I thought I'd take a potshot (as opposed to a rifle shot) at what would seem to be the cruelest sport since bullfighting.


Hopefully most of you will not go "to the hunt," but as far away from it as you can. Better to go instead to the offerings of the other Fictioneers by clicking here.


I am without a functioning laptop this week, so I fear I will do an exceptionally poor job of reading other people's stories this time around instead of my usual poor job of reading other people's stories. Sorry, but I'll be sure to hunt for your stories next week!


Saturday, March 7, 2015

Never Too Old for Details



Are you too old for Details?

I’m referring, of course, to that special rite of passage in the life of the male when he attains the age and maturity at which the giving to and receiving from male peers of explicit verbal descriptions of recent sexual encounters (formally known as Details) is officially outgrown.

But unlike, say, a Bar Mitzvah, the Rite of Passage of the Passing of Details does not arrive for all at the same time. For some it may come at age 23, for others at 33 or even 45, and for a few straggling others, it may arrive ... well ... even later still. 

"Hi, Stan, this is Perry."

"Hey, Perry!  How are you?"

"It isn't how I am that's important
, Stan. It's how you are!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, didn't you have a first date last night with the woman you met at that adult education course Cooking with Leeks?"

"Oh yeah, Samantha. Sure did."

"Well-l-l-l..."

"Well, what?"

"Details!  Details!"

"Details?"

"Of course!  Details, man, Details!"

"Perry, I’m 54 years old, and you're 64. We outgrew giving Details in the last century!"

"Well, Stan, I can't exactly say I outgrew giving Details.  I lost touch with them." 

"Lost touch with them?"

"Yeah, I lost touch with having them to give."

"Aren't you ashamed, Perry, a grown man to be asking for Details?"

"I dunno.  I'll let you know after you float me a few."

"Forget it, Perry!  My kids are too old for Details!"

"And what you implying?  That mine are not?!"

"Perry, how would you like it if I asked you to give me Details about your last date?"

"Not so much, seeing that the closest I've come to a date lately was a tryst with Slutsoversixty.com. Even I'd be disgusted to hear the Details."

"All, right, Perry, all right!  I met Samantha for coffee, we discussed movies, world affairs, and our common love of leeks and agreed to get together for dinner on Thursday. Happy now?"

"Thank you, Stan, I am."

"Good. We can put this stupid Details business behind us?"

"Of course.  Just one thing."

"What?"

"How early may I call you Friday morning for Details?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, folks, this is just a dopey comedy post and I am way too old for and in no way interested in Details.  I hope you enjoyed ... oh, you didn't read it?  You were out last night on a date?

Tell me everything!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Five Daisies in Search of a Movie (FF)

PHOTO PROMPT - © Erin Leary

"Judging from the five of us here," said Lily, "it looks like we're in one of those post-apocalyptic movies."

"I think you're right," said Petals. "All life on earth has been destroyed except for us, the last five plants on earth!"

"But what killed us?" asked Stig.

"Probably overwatering," said Floret.

"But why a post-apocalyptic movie about daisies? What kind of adventures could we have?"

"I have no idea, Petals" replied Floret.  "But  you know, that's quite some thick stem you got there!"

"And Iris,  I never knew you were packing such pistils!"

"OMG, guys! I just realized what kind of movie we're in." 

"What's that, Floret?"

"Post-Apocalyptic Plant Porno."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing like a good post-apocalyptic movie starring Denzel Washington, Mel Gibson, or a bunch of daisies.  Yes, they're the stars of the upcoming film I'm putting on Kickstarter this week .... at least according to my Friday Fictioneers entry based on the picture prompt above.

Why not daisies starring in a movie? Their salary demands are low and I've certainly seen actors less animated. You guys happen to experience Hayden Christensen in that second round of Star Wars films?

There's no Hayden Chistensen in the other Friday Fictioneers' offerings, I promise. Wander through the daisies, don't pick any because there's only five left, and click here and enjoy ...

Monday, March 2, 2015

Verdict: Brian Williams!

DATELINE L.A. FOR 
PEOPLE COOLER THAN YOU

A Shocking Lack of Credibility!

June 14, 2015 ....  Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You has learned that NBC has completed a comprehensive investigation regarding  former NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams which has proven categorically that Mr. Williams has "misremembered" far more about his past than the incident in which he claimed to have been riding in a helicopter under fire in Iraq.

The NBC Investigation has revealed a staggering number of additional events Mr. Williams has "misremembered" including:
  • Upon birth, Mr. Williams immediately spoke French, German, and Czech, though his use of the idiom in Czech was so-so.
  • As quarterback of the high school football team,  Mr. Williams' mighty passing arm and expert play calling led his team to four straight undefeated seasons. With typical modesty, he credited the guys who "block on the line" and the scrawny equipment manager with making the sole difference that led to the championships.
  • As a political science major at George Washington University,  Mr. Williams developed the concepts of divided government, separation of Church and state, res ipsa loquitur, corpus juris secundum , veni vidi vici, and Pig Latin.  
  • Mr. Williams once threw himself on a live grenade to save a busload of children in Pakistan. That he was in New York at the time is notable.
  • At a convention of Supermodels in Las Vegas at which he spoke in July 2009, Mr. Williams made passionate love to over 14 such models,  all of whom were quoted as saying that not only did Mr. Williams make the earth move, he made it twerk.
  • Mr. Williams did in fact storm the Normany Beaches in France on June 6, 1944 by virtue of a time machine that he himself had fully conceived and single-handedly built in 2004.  He received both the Purple Heart and the Crayola Heart, which represents such valor it encompasses every color there is. 
  • Mr. Williams gives 100% of his income to charity and lives in a small cardboard box under US I-95

The key finding of the NBC Investigation is that at the very time as all these actual and fully verified events were taking place, Mr. Williams was stating to others that he had been shopping for dental picks at Walmart! 

Based upon the investigation, President of NBC News Deborah Turness has stated that "Mr. Williams' shocking lack of credibility in claiming to be in Walmart while actually performing world-class heroic feats is certainly cause for immediate termination, but I have decided instead to reassign him to the position of announcer on the Jimmy Fallon Show, where night after night he will have to pretend that Mr. Fallon is funny." 

Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You thinks this is apt punishment indeed for this phony baloney!  And BTW, Brian, ummm, you got any numbers left over from that time in Vegas?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~