If Bruce Wayne Lost All His Money

 I want a piece of pie!

   I'm good for it!  I'm Batman, damn it! 

Hi! I'm your Uber Driver."

"Thank goodness, and not a moment too soon!"

"Say, nice Batman costume."

"It ought to be. I'm Batman!"

"No kiddin'! Where's your Batmobile." 

"It's ... um ... in the shop. That's it, it's in the shop! Carburetor trouble, very tricky to fix." 

"Really? Okay, where to?"

"Gotham City Town Square. The Joker is throwing bombs into the square from the Kropotkin Building!"

"Here we are, Batman!

"Thanks. I’ll give you a good review.”

“I’ll give you one too, Dude.”

“Commissioner Gordon, I’m here."

"Batman! Why are you in an Uber? Where's the Batmobile?"

"I'll be honest with you, Commissioner.  It was repossessed."

"Repossessed! Why?"

"I've had some financial reverses lately. Started with Bernie Madoff and Enron. Lately I invested in Trump University."

"In this booming economy? Only other person I know dumb enough to lose all his money these days is Bruce Wayne. That idiot!"

"Yeah …. what a dunderhead!"

“Batman, the Joker's on the 7th floor. Shoot one of your batarangs and zoom up high and take him down."

"Uh, I have a better idea. You cup your hands together, I'll step in them, and you fling me up."

"We're doing alley oop?"

"Yeah. You see, my batarangs were sold at auction.”   

"Then you'd better take the stairs."

“Okay, it’s only 7 floors. No problem for me.”

“God bless you, Batman!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“OMG! I’m only at the  third floor. I feel sick! I think I’m going to throw up!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Batman! You’re here at the 7th floor! And you’re breathing like a race horse after the Kentucky Derby!”

“Never you mind, Joker … Heeeee! ... I’m taking you down … Hoooo! ... Do you mind waiting 15 minutes or so until I can do that?”

“I guess not. I’ll read the news on my phone until you’re ready.”

“Freeze, Joker!  Great work, Batman, holding off the Joker until we could get here!”

“Yeah ... uh ... just as I planned it, Commissioner! Got any Dramamine on you?”

“No, Batman, but there’s a Rite Aid a couple of blocks from here.”

“I see. Um … do you think I could borrow some money?”

“Sure, Batman, here’s a ten spot.”

“And … uh … do you mind giving me a lift?”

“Where to?”

“The Dairy Queen at Fourth and Cowan Street.”

“Sure, but why? You want ice cream?”

“No. I've got the 10:00 P.M. to 2:00 A.M. shift. I’m in charge of jimmies.”

“I wonder if you could get Bruce Wayne a job there too?”

“I’m afraid he’s already working there, Commissioner.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Adam West at the Pearly Gates

"Yes, next in line, please."

"Hello.  I'm a little confused.  My name is ...."

"Oh, I know who you are!  You're Adam West, television's first Batman!  Welcome, I’m Peter."

“St. Peter?”

“Nah, Just Peter.  That other guy retired years ago.”

"Thank you, Peter. Where am I?"

"Let’s just say this is Superhero Heaven. You don't really need the costume now, Adam.  By the way, great eyebrows! Best of any Batman!"

"Superhero Heaven?  Is that why I’m in a shorter line than the others."

"It's short now, but given all the superhero movies and TV shows these days in 40 or 50 years it's probably gonna be longer than the line for Larry King's ex-wives."

“Who’s inside Superhero Heaven?"

"Actors who've played superheroes, animated superheroes, and panel art superheroes.”

"Artwork too?"

"Yes, legendary comic book artwork. You should see the way Wonder Woman is drawn in here! Makes Gal Gadot look like Perry Block!"

"But you know, I wasn't the only Batman."

"Of course you weren’t.  In time Michael Keaton and Christian Bale will be here as well. If not for Batman, Ben Affleck would have made it too.  George Clooney's being waived in for other reasons."

"How about Val Kilmer?"

"No fucking way."

"What's Superhero Heaven like?"  

"It's whatever you want it to be. You can chase down the Joker and the Riddler or just play the harp. In time you get born again but we'll go over all that later."

"But I'm not really Batman.  There isn't any Batman."

"Adam, Batman isn't a person.  He's a concept, an ideal.  He stands for decency, self-sacrifice, and helping others, and not being afraid to do it in unorthodox ways if necessary. And that's true whether he's portrayed as goofy, serious, or even troubled and conflicted."

"But I'm not as good as all that!"

"No, Adam, you played the role well. Personally I like it better played straight but you did what you could with the times."

"I agree. I could have done without all the POWs and SOCKs too."  

Go right on in, Batman!

"Peter, about Robin ..."

"Don't worry, Burt Ward isn't coming here. We couldn't stand him either."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you secretly Batman by any chance? 

I'm asking everybody because Cesar Romero is just driving us crazy up here!

Wonder Woman Around the House

"Wonder Woman! Wonder Woman!  Wonder, where the fuck are you?"

"Oh, Perry, I'm sorry I'm so late! I had to slay a radioactive monster from one of Jupiter's moons that was attacking New York City.  It could breathe fire and play music by ABBA!"

"So? There's no dinner, the dog isn't walked, and no matter how many times I've told you, you put the toilet seat down again!  

"Honey, I'm so-so-so sorry, but the monster was so incredibly vicious it ate all three of the Baldwin brothers, although it did spit out the goofy one Steven. Finally I had to call on Superman to help me catapult it back into space."

"I know.  I've been watching it all day on CNN.  Bet the only reason you called Superman was because you're interested in his Man of Steel."

"No, Perry, no! I'm fully 100% satisfied with your manhood!"

"Well, that's cause you're Jewish, you've probably seen even smaller."

"What would you like for dinner, Honey?  I can fly to Maine and get you a choice lobster, search the sea for the best oysters, or travel back in time for some awesome meat from a woolly mammoth." 

"I'll take the lobster. But step on it, Wonder!"

"Of course, dear,  and .... oh there's the phone. Honey, it's Aquaman!"

"You mean AquaLame?  Tell him to go bother someone from the Marvel Universe."

"Yes, Aquaman?  A huge oil rig has exploded?  Dozens of workers drowning?! A tidal wave of oil threatens to make obsolete hundreds of ocean species?!!  Japan is about to sink beneath the waves?!!!"

"Could we have sex first before you leave?"

"Oh, Perry, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I've got to go.  As soon as I get back, I'll envelope you in my Lasso of Sex, sometimes wrongly called my Lasso of Truth."

"Bye, Wonder."

"Goodbye, Perry, love of my immortal life!"

"So you see, folks, being married to Wonder Woman is not all it's cracked up to be.  And she's Orthodox to boot so she spends most of Shabbot in shul!"

"I guess that's okay.  I sure can use a break from the many hours of phenomenal sex we have every day but Saturday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Honey, I'm home.  Got your mammoth dinner!"

Note: As many know, Gal Gadot who plays Wonder Woman is a Jewish Israeli. She's the kind of girl I used to knock off by the carload back in the day when I was cute! That carload being a Matchbox carload.

Everybody's a Hero

Just another day in small town America

It all happened in the first part of the 21^st Century.

Sparked by an intense barrage of superhero movies, graphic novels, and television shows, superheroes with amazing powers became more popular than chocolate sprinkles. Soon virtually everyone in America who did not already possess powers beyond those of mortal men began devising whatever cockamamie scheme they could to acquire them now.

People stood in pools of hydrochloric acid in lighting storms, drank volumes of random chemicals while clasping on to frayed electrical wiring, blasted off to distant planets where complicit aliens might blast them back imbued with whatever powers one may possess from birth on Planet Shmoolu, and slept with their heads in the microwave.

From every corner of America there sprang up mighty heroes like Amazo (able to read minds, but only up to a third grade level), Spin Cycle (power to dry anything really fast), Womb Woman (capable of transporting arch villains back to their mother's wombs, where they could do no harm), Mighty Minion (ten shapeshifting Jews), Nose Rider (possessing the power to smell spills and messes that have long since been cleaned up), Cyclone Woman (she who controls the elements, especially cadmium), and Captain Chipmunk.

By the year 2032 the Chairman of the US Department of Federal Statistics, Wonder Man, estimated that over 45% of the entire population of the United States consisted of superheroes, 27% were sidekicks, and 19% were cutesy human friends to the hero with names like Scooter, Maxie, and Li’l JoJo. Even at noon the skies were so filled with costumed and caped crime fighters that pigeons couldn’t fight their way through to shit on cars and remaining non-superheroes.

Business reaped a bonanza. Skilled costume designers and tailors couldn’t pump out fresh costumes, logos, and identity concealing headgear fast enough. It wasn’t uncommon for dry cleaners to have dozens of crime fighting costumes marked for special delivery on Thursday, creating a massive back-log as most dry cleaning personnel were off battling Dr. Mephisto, leaving only Zebra Man behind to clean and press.   

Arch villains also benefited. Whenever the Bat Signal shattered the night sky so too did the sky signage of every other resident superhero within the surrounding multi-state area.

 "This burglar’s mine, Ocular Hombre!”

“I saw him first, UltraDick!”

“No fair! You have X-Ray vision.”

“And you have a Macro-Extended Penis! You could have nabbed him all the way from Cleveland!”

“Gangway, Guys!”

"Who the fuck are you?”

"I’m the Kantian Kid!  I’ll bore all three of you with a lecture on “The Critique of Pure Reason” and grab the burglar while you two are busy taking the quiz!”

And in the resulting melee, the burglar would routinely get away.

There did remain some Americans who were not superheroes, approximately  30% of the population as computed by Wonder Man and his chief assistant, Kid Speedy. One such person was Lyle Lumpkin of Dinkleville, Kansas.

"I’m happy being a regular guy,” Lumpkin was wont to say. “Y’know, if we get word that Lex Luther is about to blow up the town’s bicycle shop or 7-11 - Luther comes here occasionally when he can’t get a reservation to blow up Metropolis, what with all the superheroes there - the missus (I mean, Danger Dame), Teen Terrific, and Commander Baby leap into action while I sit here and watch “The Chew.”

Unfortunately the three of them have to take their turns with the other superheroes - we got three Green Lanterns in Dinkleville alone - which makes it tough for them to get a superpower in edgewise!”

Gradually as times changed interest in superheroes waned and a new generation opted for other professions, becoming doctors, lawyers, and apologists for the Trump Administration.

“Business is lousy these days, Electric Chick,” said the Joker when he appeared on Fox Business Channel’s Market Mornings with Electric Chick, whose ratings were steadily declining.

“How can you get away in a melee anymore when no more than 7 superheroes show up whenever you’re trying to murder Batman’s girlfriend?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Transformed! (FF)

copyright Sean Fallon

"Yo, Dude! Could you reach into the battery jar and get me a C battery? I just can't open the lid."

"Sure, dude. OOMPH!!! Got it open. Okay, here’s the battery!"

"Impressive, dude."

“Thanks, I …. OMG! I just felt a shock right to the core of my being!  I’m tingling, dude!  I'm feeling transformed!”

"Your hand is glowing!!"

"What the hell is happening?!”

"I think we are witnessing the origin of a new superhero, dude! I think you are now….

"Electric Man!  Yes, I'm Electric Man, who can send bolts of electricity from his fingers and who fights for truth, justice, and the American Way, as long as we don't elect that idiot!"

"Not exactly, dude."

"No? Who then?"

"Jar Opening Guy, who can twist the lids off glass jars no matter how darn stuck they are."

“Even better.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gotta admit between Electric Man and Jar Opening Guy,  JOG may be the more important superhero to have around.  So next time you reach into a jar of batteries, twist hard on that lid, grab yourself a C, and wait for the transformation!

With your luck, you'll probably get turned into Electric Man.

If you'd like to check out the responses of the superheros of the Friday Fictioneers to the picture prompt above, click here.  If you're killing yourself trying to open a jar of stewed prunes,  well then better get busy building yourself a Jar Opening Guy Signal!    

Batman v. Superman v. WTF?

The recent release of a trailer for the upcoming movie Batman v. Superman has gotten a lot of people looking forward to seeing the film, and I guess I’m one of them.

I say “I guess”  because I’m sick of superhero movies.  We've reached the point of such superhero saturation that the new movie will also feature Aquaman, a superhero so insipid his greatest power is the ability to order mackerel to defecate on the bad guys should they happen to fall underwater. 

I've always liked both Batman and Superman, however, but pairing them together in the same movie is kind of strange.* Superman is the most powerful being in all of time and space. Batman?  He has as many super powers as you and I except he looks a lot better in tights. 

Frankly, Batman is only a big cheese in a universe in which there is no Superman.  So what does Batman have to offer the Man of Steel in a world in which they both exist?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman!  Lex Luthor has catapulted a huge Kryptonite boulder right in our path!

Batman:  Great Scott, Superman, you're right!  Umm ... are you feeling sick, by any chance?

Superman:  No, Batman, I'm sitting here playing strip poker with Wonder Woman. Yes, I'm feeling sick! Hurry, remove the Kryptonite and put it in the lead containment box!

Batman:  Of course, Superman.  But first, we've got a few things to discuss.

Superman:  A few things to discuss?  

Batman:  To tell you the truth, Superman, I'm sick of being the junior member in this partnership.  I want a broader role.

Superman:  But, Batman, I only need you whenever there’s Kryptonite around. That's the job: you pick up the Kryptonite, you put it in the box, and then go take study hall.

Batman:  Yeah, for which you pay me the grand sum of Superhero Minimum Wage!

Superman: But that's all the job's worth. Frankly I could get Aquaman to do this. 

Batman:  Aquaman? That's a low blow.

Superman:  Batman, please hurry!  I'm so nauseated I feel like I've just seen a Val Kilmer movie!

Batman:  Cool your pecs, Clark!  I want a raise and a company match in the "Strange Visitor from Another Planet 401 (k) Plan!"

Superman: But Batman, (cough, cough, cough!) aren't you a millionaire as Bruce Wayne?

Batman: Ever heard of Bernie Madoff, Superman?

Superman:  Okay, okay!  What do you want? 

Batman:  Let’s make it 45 bucks an hour, a 6 % match, and a health care plan that covers having the shit kicked out of you by Bane.

Superman:  Sure (cough, sputter) sure, whatever you say!

Batman:  And I want you to help get the Superhero Minimum Wage raised.

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman, that'll ruin the economy and cost superhero jobs! What will Kochman say?

Batman:  Kochman?! Great Scott, Superman, you’re a conservative?

Superman:  I am. For me truth, justice, and the American way is the Second Amendment, Fox News, and "let's impeach the Muslim President."

Batman:  Superman:   I quit. 

Superman:  You quit?  Batman,  where are you going? 

Batman: Maybe you can get Kochman to help you out at Superhero Minimum Wage.

Superman: Great Scott, Batman, I'm turning into a plate of Kryptonian Goulash!!!

Batman:    Great Scott, Superman, I'm sorry!  Looks like maybe I am the hero Earth needs after all.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Back when I was a kid, Superman and Batman were always paired in World's Finest Comics, which was anything but. The stories were silly and the artwork often second tier. Even when I was ten, I didn't buy it.

If Batman Had a Jewish Mother, or My Son, the Dark Knight

As the scene opens, high above Gotham City, the Bat Signal cuts through the evening sky.

Mrs. Wayne: Bruce ... Bruce? 

Bruce:  Yes, Mom. 

Mrs. Wayne: Come see what I made special for you. 

Bruce:  Matzoh Ball Soup!  Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Wayne:  You're welcome, darling.  You're looking frightfully thin, Bruce, have another matzoh ball.  Light as a feather, aren't they? 

Bruce:  Mom! Look outside!  In the sky!

Mrs. Wayne:  I don't see anything. Here I'll close the drapes so you won't be bothered ....

Bruce: No, no!  It's the Bat Signal.  I must switch to my alter ego, the Batman!

Mrs. Wayne: Now, darling, you know you have to wait 45 minutes after eating before you change into Batman. Even longer if you're going to have to swim as Batman!

Bruce: I can't wait for that, Mom. Gotham City needs Batman!

Mrs. Wayne: Gotham City needs to kiss my tuchas!  And I expect you home by 12:00 sharp or you're grounded! 

Bruce: Aww, Mom!   I can't promise that.

Mrs. Wayne:  Then I'm coming with you.  Somebody's got to keep Mr. Dark Knight out of mischief!

Off into the night roars Batman's supercharged vehicle across the Bat Cave waterfall and towards Gotham City.

Mrs. Wayne:  Bruce, Bruce, slow down for crying out loud! You'll give your mother a heart attack!

Batman:  But, Mom, Commissioner Gordon is counting on me.

Mrs. Wayne:  Counting, schmounting!  He put a coat around you one night, you weren't even cold and I wasn't even dead! Say, darling, did you remember to bring your inhaler?

Batman:  Oh, shit!  I did forget it.  Well, we're not going back for it now!

Mrs. Wayne: Suit yourself, bubbeleh!  And watch your mouth.  

Batman:  Sorry!   That reminds me, Mom, when I'm dressed up like this, please remember to call me Batman!  You screwed up twice last week and called me Bruce right in front of Jim Gordon.

Mrs. Wayne: You think he doesn't know who you are, Mr. Big Shot?  You think he doesn't have a brain?  That husky voice wouldn't fool a four year old sitting in Santa's Lap.

Leaping from a tall building, Batman glides down to confront the Joker.

Batman:  Hand me the detonator, Joker.  I'm going to stop you from destroying Gotham City!

Joker:  But destroying Gotham City is my hobby, Batman.  What do you want me to do,  take up Mah Jong?

Mrs. Wayne: Did I hear my favorite hobby mentioned? 

Joker:  Who are you?

Mrs. Wayne:  I'm Bruce's Mom.

Batman:  No, you're Batman's Mom!  Batman's Mom!

Mrs. Wayne: Sure, darling.  Mr. Joker, look at you!  This is how you come to destroy the city? You look like Flo from Progressive.

Joker:  How should I look, Mrs. Batman?

Mrs. Wayne: Go home, wash your face, put on a nice suit, and then turn yourself in to Commissioner Gordon.

Joker: I will!  Thank you, Mrs. Batman.  If I'd had a mom like you, I'd be a successful dentist by now.

The Joker departs.

Mrs. Wayne:  All done!  And it isn't even 9:00 P.M. yet.

Batman: I have to admit you're right, Mom.  But I have a question.

Mrs. Wayne: Yes, Bruce?  I mean, Batman.

Batman:  Is there any more soup? 

Mrs. Wayne: Of course, darling!  Nothings too good for my boy who just single-handedly saved Gotham City from the Joker!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will The Real Dark Knight Please Rise?

Bane: Greetings and welcome, my fiends!

I'd like to call to order the monthly Board of Directors meeting of the League of Arch Villains Who Think Batman Sucks.  I'm your chairperson, Bane.  

With us today are five longstanding Board members:  the Joker, Two-Face,  Ra's al Ghul, the Riddler, and the Penguin.  A no-show again for the fourth month is Selena Kyle.  I sure hope she hasn't turned on us because I have a DVD of Les Miz at home and that chick always make me cry.

Joker: Me too.  Don't get me started!

Bane:  Now, gentlemen,  we decided  that today would be a brain-storming session on the subject of Batman's secret identity.  The topic was suggested by Two-Face, who has some very interesting thoughts to share with us.  Two?

Two-Face:  Thanks, Bane.  It occurred to me the other day that Batman in his everyday life probably makes a pretty good buck.  Well above the minimum wage.

Ra's al Ghul:  How do you figure?

Two-Face: Where d0 all those gadgets come from?  The car,  the hover craft, the motorcycles, that totally unnecessary flare with the Bat logo in the last movie?  You can't get 'em at Goodwill! 

Penguin: True. Bet he has a decent benefits package too. Wonder where he works.

Two-Face:  No, Penguin, I don't think Batman works anywhere!  Let's say the Dark Knight has a job selling lingerie at Target,  and one day one of us decides to destroy Gotham City. Can't you just hear him:

 "I know the Bat Signal's been shining for half an hour, Commissioner Gordon, but I don't get off work until 10:00!  And my supervisor's been riding my ass hard all day!"

Riddler: Maybe he works for Sam's Club?

Two-Face:  No, he doesn't work for Sam's Club, you moron!  He's a multi-millionaire! 

All:  Ohhh!  Never thought of that.

Two-Face: So who has some suggestions as to who he might be?

Ra's al Ghul:  Well,  how about Warren Buffett?  I've always admired him.

Bane:  Me too!  

Two-Face:   Hello: Earth to Ra's al Ghul and Bane  ....  Earth to Ra's al Ghul and Bane!

Ra's al Ghul and Bane:  Yes, Two?

Two-Face:  Warren Buffett  is 83 years old!

Ra's al Ghul: Oh.  Well how about Bill Gates?

Riddler:  Nah, too nerdy.

Joker:  I was thinking maybe the Koch Brothers.  One of them could be out there as Batman while the other lobbies the hard-core Republicans, then they could switch off.  Very efficient!

Bane:   Are you kidding?

Joker:  What do you mean?

Bane: Those two guys are way more evil than we are!  The Koch Brothers are about as likely to be Batman as they are to be lunching this week with Dr. Cornel West. 

Two-Face:   Guys, I'm leaning toward Mark Zuckerberg.  He's young,  he's brash, and he's done wonders for the popularity of kittens. 

Ra's al Ghul:   I think I just heard the sound of ten thousand Jewish grandmothers kvelling!  But could Batman really be Jewish?

Riddler: He looks to me like the kind of Jewish guy who can't stand the sight of blood.  So, no.

Joker:  How about Donald Trump?

Bane:   Joker!   Much as we all hate the Dark Knight,  Batman cannot be the world's biggest asshole!  

Penguin: Say, what about Bruce Wayne? 

Joker:  Bruce Wayne? He's an idiot!  He burned down the family mansion and didn't even notice when his girlfriend morphed from looking like Katie Holmes to Maggie Gyllenhaal! 

Penguin: Too bad, because he's the only multi-millionaire living in Gotham, his parents' murder could have sparked a life-long battle against injustice, and he spent years in the Himalayas studying the deadliest and most secretive form of martial arts in existence.

Joker: Sure.  Now moving right along ....

Ra's al Ghul:  I've got it!

All:  Who?

Ra's al Ghul:  OPRAH!

All:    OPRAH!  Of Course! 

Ra's al Ghul:  We all know Oprah can do anything.  No doubt she can save Gotham from any one of us, look absolutely stunning in the doing, and still be home in time for dinner with Stedman.  

Bane:  Oprah it is!  Now who's up next to destroy Gotham City?

Two-Face:  That's me.  I'm scheduled for October 8, 9, and 10.

Bane: Great!  I'm marking it in my book.  Penguin, you are assigned to approach Oprah and tell her we will expose her secret if she dare oppose us.

Penguin: What secret?  That she and Gale ....

Bane: Not that secret!

Penguin:  I'll do it!  I'll do it on behalf of Arch Villains Who Think Batman Sucks everywhere!

Bane: Terrific.  And Penguin?

Penguin: Yes, Bane.

Bane: Get me an autograph.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~