Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Lick the Living, from the Postal Service

Honest Abe:
 Dead, So You Can Count on Him!  

In order to combat seas of red ink, the U. S. Postal Service this week announced it will begin issuing stamps featuring likenesses of  people who are still alive, which will hopefully appeal to collectors and thus spark badly needed sales.  Until now it’s been necessary to be stone cold, six feet under, and as far from your “Happy Place” as it’s possible to be in order to have a postage stamp issued adorned with your kisser.

Frankly, I’m not sure this change is such a good idea.  The great benefit in being someone who’s dead is that the book on you is closed!

Abraham Lincoln, for example, is highly unlikely at this point in time to begin tweeting visual images of his ding-dong to the national membership of the Daughters of the American Revolution.  Were he somehow to begin doing so, the cachet of affixing a stamp featuring his profile upon an envelope addressed to the attorney suing your company for sexual harassment would be greatly diminished.

Once the Postal Service institutes Lick the Living, the viability of our entire postal system becomes at the mercy of the latest celebrity melt-down. Were it already in effect ...

Your son or daughter could kiss presents of any consequence goodbye when the only book of stamps available for sending out over 230 Bar or Bat Mitzvah invitations is a Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome Mel Gibson, circa 1985.

Sending a condolence card? Best not to dispatch it with a stamp bearing the likeness of America’s Numero Uno Executioner, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, circa 2010.

And if you send a billing to anyone in 2011 with a Kevin James stamp, why would he or she even bother to open it, let alone pay it? 

Instead of issuing this new series of stamps, I propose the U. S. Postal Service implement a slogan to promote the strengths it already possesses:

For all  your postal and mailing needs, a dead guy gets you there with all godspeed! 

With a slick tag line like that, the Postal Service could be back in the black in no time!


Sunday, September 25, 2011


Rollin' ... rollin'... rollin' back the changes ....

Seems nothing unites the current GOP Presidential hopefuls like their opposition to the changes implemented under the Obama Administration to that one major program which affects virtually everyone in the United States.

Each of the GOP aspirants strongly asserts that these sweeping changes were forced down the throats of the vast majority of Americans contrary to their express will and desire!

“Day One in office as President,” Governor Rick Perry of Texas pledged yesterday, “I will be working 24/7 to roll back the job-killing, anti-American, Socialist-inspired changes made to Facebook under ObamaFace!”

Widely known as ObamaFace since Barack Obama was in office when they transpired, the recent stylistic and formatting changes to Facebook have drawn the ire and indignation of the rest of the GOP field as well as that of Governor Perry. 

“What’s next? questioned former Senator Rick Santorum. “Will Obama force us to friend filmmaker Michael Moore or poke Rachel Maddow and Professor Cornell West of Princeton University every hour on the hour? 

“Facebook must be returned to its original state,” urged Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, “just as God and Jesus created it some 4,000 years ago!  Until it’s returned to that state, I’m simply going to stare ahead blankly.”

“When people are frittering away their time on Facebook, they tend to order gobs and gobs  of pizza," stated Herman Cain, former Chairman and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza.  "Fewer people on Facebook means a decimated pizza industry and an America ripe for the taking by Socialism!”

“Mr. Zuckerberg, tear down these changes!”

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and President of Facebook, is believed to be Obama’s confederate in the creation and implementation of ObamaFace.

So far, tellingly,  neither Mr. Obama or Mr. Zuckerberg have been available for comment ....


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Perry’s Headline News

Who doesn’t love to see his or her name up in lights? 

Over the years  I’ve been privileged to see mine hit the headlines more often than Rupert Murdoch, without even ever having to get hit in the face by a pie.

Stroll with me now down the Perry Memory Lane .... 
  • Perry Elected to Baseball Hall of Fame!
Didn’t know I had such stuff on the ball , did ya?  Nah,  I still throw like a girl.  It was twice - Cy Young Award Winner Gaylord Perry hitting the HOF in 1991. 
  • Perry Reaps Academy Award Nomination!
Much as I’d like to have directed David and Lisa, I could barely direct you across the street let alone this sensitive ground-breaking film. It was filmmaker Frank Perry behind the lens in 1962.  
  • Perry Snags Three MTV Video Music Awards!
Carry a tune?   Not without a U-haul and movers.  No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe, it was Katy Perry this past August you were lookin’ for, babe!

Yes, vicarious living has its benefits, especially when you can pull down awards and accolades from a Near Oscar to a trip to Cooperstown without even putting down the clicker. It’s one of the virtues of having a first name more popular as the second half of a name than in the misbegotten spot in which I’ve managed to have it begotten in mine.
But now for the first time comes a heady conflict between my headline heaven and everyone else’s hard line reality.   Bursting onto the political scene is GOP Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry from Texas, a man with whom I have about as much in common as do Mel Gibson and the B’nai B’rith.

On the one hand, Gun Totin’, Social Security Deponzi-izin', Obama-Care Bustin' Governor Perry could do more harm to the nation than a canister of outtakes from Shit My Dad Says dumped in the water supply.

On the other hand, folks, I’m digging on the fame!
  • Perry Triumphs over Field in Debate!
Not only don’t I like to speak in public, frankly, I’m not even really all that thrilled with speaking in private.

But now as Winston Churchill, the aptly named Pericles,  and a touch of Elmer Gantry, I’m about to inspire you to great heights, plummet my opponents to greater lows, and give one and all one hell of a great photo op in the doing!

"Fourscore and seven years ago, once more into the breach, and forever unto the end of time, I'm gonna whup your ass!   Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen."
  • Perry's the New Frontrunner!
Yesterday, I'd have lost a foot race to Governor Chris Christie even if he had to carry six or seven hundred Twinkies,  comedy writer Bruce Vilanche,  and an anvil from an old Warner Brothers cartoon.

Today, catch me if you can, y'all!
  • Perry Clearly Leading the Pack!
Now I’m a ferocious feral hero straight out of The Call of the Wild, guarding and protecting my loyal pack of four-legged supplicants from all manner of dangers and hazards of the most rugged, tundra-like out-of-doors, adoring she-bitches all the while a-hewing to me like Scotch Guard!

Frankly I’ve never exactly been an Alpha Male.    Mostly I’m more of an Alfred E. Newman male.

Oh how I do love these headlines and how they soothe my battered ego! 

Or do I love my battered country more?   Is there no way to resolve the conflict?

Wait!    Look!     

Extra,  Extra,  Read All About It ….

  • Perry Drops from Race on News of Sex with Gorgeous Blonde!
Now, there’s one Perry headline I think we can all of us get behind!


Yep! I'm digging the photo ops too!


Monday, September 19, 2011

How to Get Jewish Followers on Twitter

Twitter has truly come of age for the Jewish people.

Once there were hardly enough Jews on the micro-blogging network to form a minyan. Today Members of the Tribe of every denomination and belief, ultra-orthodox as well as secular, rich as well as poor, and young as well as old all waste thousands of potentially productive hours a day sitting in front of their computers tweetin' away like mindless morons!

If you’re one of them, you’d probably like to learn how to increase your Jewish following. Well, look no further; all those Jewish people standing behind me are my Twitter followers!  Even though there’s a few of them that are lawyers I’d frankly prefer to keep strictly in front of me.

If you heed the guidelines below, you’ll soon have more Jewish followers than Moses, without having to part the Red Sea. And if you actually can part the Red Sea, you might wind up with almost as many followers as the least popular of the Kardashians.

Guilt Following. To develop Jewish followers, you must first follow them, a practice referred to as Guilt Following because you’re hoping to guilt them into following you back. If they do not, it will be for one of the following reasons:

1) You followed @Mel _Gibson497. Hopefully by accident.

2) You followed @SaraKSilverman, who frankly just doesn’t need any of us.

3) The person you followed is either (a) not Jewish or (b) totally impervious to guilt. If (b) is correct, (a) is almost certainly correct as well.

Content. On Twitter, Content is King.

That’s notwithstanding the fact that the person tweeting incessantly about Justin Bieber’s tattoo has enough followers to invade the nearest galaxy while the guy who tweets cogent and thoughtful concepts and ideas about solving the budget crisis can’t get @crudface99 to follow him.

To attract Jewish followers, however, you must provide Jewish-oriented tweets with insight and intelligence, such as:

 •  While “thou shall attend a motion picture and eat Chinese on Christmas” is more a guidance than a commandment, were we to add commandments, this would have to be either 11 or 12.

• Why is this night different from all other nights? Because on this night when Elijah visits our home, Mom doesn’t complain that he should have called first!

• Thou shalt honor thy father and mother but understand that this doth not require eating brisket more than once a week.

Abbreviations.  With only 140 characters in which to get your message across and no ability to gesture with your hands, Jewish tweeting has no space to spare. Hence abbreviations are employed for oft-used familiar expressions, some of the most popular being:

1. IMHO --- In my Hebrew opinion.

2. LOL --- Latkes or Lox?

3. SAHM  --- Saul and Harry Mandelbaum

4. LMAO --- Little mayo (on my sandwich)

5. BTW --- By the waters (of Babylon)

6. ROTFL --- a female character in Fiddler on the Roof

Hashtags. These are used to link together tweets with common themes so they can all be accessed together. Frequently used hashtags include:





Emoticons. Emoticons are a couple of keystrokes of letters and punctuation which usually form a smiling face denoting an amused or happy response to something tweeted.

I rarely use emoticons because they seem to me to be Twitter’s version of a laugh track. Instead of using emoticons, I prefer to perform my tweets in front of a live audience of typewriter symbols. But were I to use an emoticon to express laughter or happiness in Jewish oriented tweets, it would look something like this:   
תי :
For the Hebraically challenged, that is a colon followed by the Hebrew letters het and yud, which together make a chai.  The chai represents L'chaim, which means to life. And if you use our little friend L'chaim, you’ll be on your way to attracting all the Members of the Tribe and all the other great folks you’d ever want to meet on Twitter.    
You'll be a modern day Moses in no time!


Not a Member of the Tribe?

   minyan - ten Jewish adults required for certain religious observances.
   Elijah - legendary Biblical prophet who "visits" Jewish homes during the Seder guzzling free wine wherever he can.
   kvelling - bursting with pride.
   Letter het - well, it may actually be a tav I used up above. But it makes a cuter emoticon than a het.  Just look at it!   ( : תי )   Awwwww!
   By the Waters of Babylon - Biblical psalm in which the Hebrews in captivity in Babylon yearned for their homeland of Israel.
   @SaraKSilverman -  Twittername for Sara Silverman, Jewish- American comedian, who truly doesn't need any of us.  

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Whatever Became of Oprah Winfrey?

Where is she now?

You probably remember the name.

Once she was the Queen of American Media.

But the Oprah Winfrey story is yet another in the long line of sorry McLean Stevenson/ David Caruso/Shelley Long Gonna Blow This Popsicle Stand and Become a Big Star scenarios.   Sadly it takes just one show business flop for even the highest and mightiest to join these less than illustrious ranks.

For Oprah Winfrey, it was Reach for the Skies, a television show in which she starred as a City of Chicago vice cop who’s also an angel. Despite a high-rated premiere episode in which special guest Tom Cruise played someone who is not gay, the show sank faster than Governor Chris Christie in a bottomless dunk tank.

The highly touted special effect in which Ms. Winfrey’s feathery wings punched out pimps and pushers, comforted weeping crime victims, and reached for a Snickers --- often all in one take --- failed to find favor with viewers.  Similarly the syrupy Mitch Albom-crafted dialogue often did not go down well, especially when thrust into the mouth of acerbic frequent guest star Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel

And a weekly episode-ending epilogue in which Ms. Winfrey sat around humorously mulling over the night’s adventures and drinking coffee with God had to be scrapped when God demanded to be paid “at least as much as Steadman.”

Reach for the Skies lasted six (6) episodes. When Ms. Winfrey came out to do her tearful farewell on the final show, even Gayle King was watching America’s Best Staring Contests on Fox.

To be sure,  Ms. Winfrey tried other ventures. She started a television network named OWN, which somehow failed to attract expected viewership with programs like  Oprah Winfrey Presents: My Favorite NotaryAnyone I’ve Ever Met Has Loved Me, and Best Memos I Ever Wrote to Tom Cruise, Who is Not Gay.  Soon viewers began abandoning OWN in record numbers, often moving great distances at severe hardship to areas where the cable company declined to carry it.

Meanwhile Ms. Winfrey's cash-strapped magazine --- named O because she couldn’t afford additional letters in the title --- was forced to resort to scandalous tabloid journalism, all of which was about Ms. Winfrey since it was cheaper than paying reporters to make up scandalous tabloid journalism about anybody else.  Ms. Winfrey sued O Magazine for libel  seven (7) times, continually getting away with it until courts started catching on that she herself was the one who made up the headline Oprah Winfrey Has an Alien Baby; Now You Can Too!

Over the next several years, Oprah Winfrey was largely forgotten.  The public, you see,  has a short memory.  

Don’t believe that? Quick, what did I just say the public has a short one of?

Ah, crap! Thanks for helping me prove my point, jerk!

One day Ms. Winfrey was accidentally caught on YouTube in the process of shop lifting, trying to bench press an entire Pier 1 Imports.  Out of this came remembrance, redemption, and a small nonspeaking part in the upcoming Here’s Shelley Comedy Hour!”

I hope many of you will be watching.

Cause I won’t.

Gayle, Steadman, and me just love us our America’s Best Staring Contests on Fox.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Beware the LOJM! II


Today is Monday, September 12, 2011.

It is my 61st Birthday.

I am expecting a visit from that most unwelcome of guests, the mythical Jewish creature known as the LOJM!

For those who do not know, the LOJM (pronounced “LOW-JIM”) is a fearsome monster born of the history and mythology of the Jewish people, every bit as dreadful as the Golem of Prague, the Dybbuk, or any random movie featuring Adam Sandler

The LOJM, more formally known as the “Little Old Jewish Man,” stalks male members of the Chosen People beyond a certain age. Among its acts most foul, the LOJM maliciously destroys any and all record of the true handsome, youthful, and virile appearance of the people it torments.

People like me. Virile people like me!

Whenever a camera is brandished and about to be utilized to take a photograph of the LOJM’s prey, the fakockt fiend flings itself in front of the lens, blocking the true face of its victim and replacing it with its hideous own! Moving at hyper–speed, the monster arrives and departs undetected, leaving only the surrogate image of its gruesome visage as evidence of its foul and deceitful visitation.  

And sometimes a few mints.

The LOJM, it’s said, was created by God in partnership with the Jim Henson Company to assure that all Jewish men would act with humility. Here again the Big Guy managed to err on the side of overkill as when he cooked up that over-the-top lesson in male Jewish humbleness prominently featuring a scalpel.

How to defeat the LOJM? 

 My son Brandon and I devised a plan.

A picture of moi was to be taken. To confound the LOJM, the room was sprinklered with the odor of white milk and Little Debbies, said to be repugnant to the creature. Instead of saying cheese, I’d say Wonder Bread. 
All was executed as planned.

And then Brandon and I gazed at the image on the digital camera screen.

Those sunken cheeks. That near bald head. That shriveled and decayed flesh!

There before us was not me, but the protagonist from a joke by the late comedian Myron Cohen

“There was this lid-dle old Jew-ish man by the pool at the Fountainbleu Hotel in Miami Bitch….”

Do you not miss a trick, you Meshugana Monster?

Once more, let me warn all male members of the Children of Israel of a certain age in every place and time!  Let me sound the clarion call!
Or at least hire a guy who knows what a clarion is and how to sound it. 
Beware the LOJM!

Or you might just want to sleep through your birthday instead. 


Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Cruelest Month

Ah, the Beauty of the Fall.  Know what?
Shut the hell up!

"April is the cruelest month," once wrote the poet, revealing himself to have been woefully ignorant of the true nature of the seasons of the year as well as of the concerns of one Perry Block, regardless of how good he might have been at personification and bowling over the ladies at parties. 

No, that cruelest of all months is the one underway.  September, for me, is the Simon Cowell of the Gregorian calendar.

September marks the end of Summer. It’s the time I realize that not only did I fail to do all those outdoorsy things I hoped to during the last three months,  the one time I made it to the beach the water was 58 degrees, the top of my head got so sunburned I resembled a human flashlight, and the only attractive woman who talked to me on the beach asked if she could bury me .... that is, completely.

With September comes the Fall.  So this is your favorite time of year, huh?  To me, September marks the beginning of a season characterized by the impending death of all things green, growing,  and alive, with the one exception of the Incredible Hulk. 

That nip in the air?  It spells animals scurrying for cover as if the Luftwaffe were approaching and leaves and plants beginning to sag and shrivel like your Aunt Hilda's face before she had the work done,  and meanwhile all you can talk about is where to get cider.

Those shortening days? In a couple of months, Nature will  be throwing its leafy little hands up to its dainty neck and doing a command performance of the final scene from Camille, and there you go hopping on a hayride. 

September sets this all up as coolly and deliberately as a bartender at 4:00 P.M.  All while you're busy bobbing for apples.

September marks the annual return to reading, ritin', n' 'rithmetic.  Doesn't matter how long it's been since I've been in school, every September I walk about inquiring of everyone if they got their books yet, who they have for homeroom, and if that hot Nicole Halaylos is in any of their classes.

It's a compulsion I cannot control. How about you?

Oh, I forgot.  You're still slurping cider.

And worst of all, for the 41st year in a row seems I’ve gotten Miss Kretchmer in Geometry.  She's still mean, she still doesn't grade on the curve, and OMG! she just called on me in class!

And September presents the anniversary of my birth. This year I will be 61 years old on September 12th.  

That's right --- my freshness seal expired deep into the last century.  I am "better if used before September 12, 1982," although few now would rightly want to use me anyway.

Nevertheless, every year the date September 12 sees fit to drop another unwanted digit on the mass of digits it has already mercilessly deposited upon me.  I am annually being rung up like a cash register by the month of September itself!  

This is indeed the cruelest part of the cruelest month of the year.

“Try to remember the kind of September,” once wrote the songwriter, revealing himself to be have been woefully ignorant of the true nature of the seasons of the year as well as of the concerns of one Perry Block, regardless of how good he might have been at rhyming three syllable words and bowling over the ladies at parties.

Try to remember the kind of September?

There’s 21 days ahead of me I’d like to forget!


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Impossible Dream

 "My Boy Bill, I will see that he's named ...."
He’s explained it all at last.  And who'd ever have guessed?

In an interview appearing in this week’s Newsweek/Parade/High Times Magazine, Former Vice–President Dick Cheney has finally explained the reason for his trademark obnoxious and offensive manner which has rendered him the last person on earth you'd ever want to hang with unless you have a full-blown death wish and hope to be accidentally shot.

“It’s my love of Broadway musical theatre,” Mr. Cheney revealed in the interview. “I always longed to be a song and dance man but my parents said I should do something practical, that I didn’t have the looks for show business. I told them Jason Alexander doesn’t have the right looks either and he sings and dances, but they told me that was years ago, he's so typecast as George Costanza now he can't even get a Rolled Gold Pretzel deal anymore!'”

“So I entered politics,” said Cheney,” but it was torturous for me to sit in meetings discussing NATO alliances and Middle Eastern oil rights when all I could hear over and over in my head was  'My Boy Bill, I will see that he’s named after me .... I will!'

"Wait a minute!  Could it be?  What if he ...."

"As Vice-President, I knew we had to invade Iraq the moment I learned Sadam Hussein had made it mandatory that all Iraqis attend at least one performance of Momma Mia!   A brutal monster like that had to be destroyed!"

“The conflicts I had with Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice all stemmed from the horrible things they said about my favorite musical,  Avenue Q,  and the song  It Sucks to Be Me.  Their comments even made several of the puppets in the show cry,” said Mr. Cheney, his voice choked with emotion.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been out of sorts at times,” said Mr. Cheney “but I’m going to be a sweetheart from now on.  You see, I’m finally following my dream and next week I open on Broadway in the revival of Paint Your Wagon! I hope Condi and Colin will come to the opening as my guests, because I’m singing the show stopper They Call the Wind Mariah!  

And I’ll be singing it, America,  just for YOU!


Oh way out West, they got a name

For rain and wind and fire,

The rain is Tess, the fire's  Joe

And they call the Wind  ....



Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Mystery of Adnan and Evie


It falls to me this evening to set down in writing the strange discovery made by my archeological party and me during our dig last month in a region of the Middle East which lies comfortably within the historically defined area known as the Fertile Crescent.  

I sense that what we have discovered may be without precedent. Indeed I have never seen anything like this, and I --- Professor Lance Lewitsky of the for-profit Community College of Burford Montana --- have been studying archeology for over 35 years, ever since I first learned that there was no gym class required.

It was on the fourth day of our expedition that we made the discovery.  As our dig moved near to an unusually large tree of indeterminate fruit, we unearthed a gigantic fossil in the shape of an enormous human-like hand.  The hand was outstretched with its index finger pointing at something … or someone.

It was the biggest hand any one of us had ever seen, and I used to have season tickets to the Lakers. Furthermore the finger nails were finely manicured, the cuticles were unbitten, and the life line extended all the way from the wrist around the palm onto the back of the hand and back to the wrist. Several hundred times. 

Whoever this hand was attached to, he or she may hardly ever die!

We took several photographs of the hand fossil. Each one of them shows all 15 members of our team fitting comfortably within its palm with ample room remaining for the hand to have reached over and grabbed a generous helping of popcorn, probably buttered.  Subsequent carbon dating of the hand fossil has revealed it to be about 6,000 years old, however, slightly before the advent of buttered popcorn.

But the giant hand was just the beginning. Several days later, we made an even more unique discovery.

Approximately 25 feet away from the spot where the index finger of the huge hand had been pointing, we uncovered the fossils of a nude man and woman. Both of them appeared to be staring at the giant hand, each bearing the same incredulous facial expression as if to be saying “What the fuck is this?”

For convenience sake, I have named the two figures "Adnan and Evie," two arbitrary names I picked out of a hat at random for no particular reason whatsoever.

Although Adnan appears to have suffered a small injury to the abdomen and may have even been missing a rib otherwise both Adnan and Evie appear to be in prime physical condition. Frankly Evie, preserved there as she is in the buff, is nothing less than smokin’ hot! 

From my observations I believe these two may have spent much of their lives cavorting joyfully in a secluded magical garden abounding with lush flora, fauna, and all of the glorious flowing wonders of the heavens and the earth.  It is my hypothesis that this idyllic existence continued until some judgmental being of undetermined origin apparently showed up and ruined everything. I surmise that this malignant entity was so unyielding that it would not even permit them to ingest the juicy appearing fruit from the nearby tree.

But let’s get back to the enormous hand. What could be the relationship between the giant hand and Adnan and Evie? One theory posits that the huge hand might have broughtest them forth unto the earth, fashioningest them from the dust, and/or even createsting them out of nothingness altogether.  Or perhaps it was merely tickling them or giving them the largest ever “got your nose” in human history.

It would be helpful if we could undertake further research on these discoveries, but funding is so difficult to come by.  I am constantly surprised by how many funding sources are controlled by politically and religiously conservative Republicans who are anti-science. I won’t even bother approaching them.

I was glad that we were able to return to the United States both on time and on budget at the end of our expedition. Due to a fortunate occurrence, the Atlantic Ocean parted in two so that our party could swiftly get across.

I’m not sure there is precedent for that either.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Why Do I Do It?

Are these why I  do it?

I’ve been writing this blog now for a little over 1 ½ years and just recently polished off my 90th post.

Why do I do it …. besides the desire to bring a smile to the lips and a song to the heart of my fellow men and women?

Well, there’d better be another reason I do it because frankly I don’t give a crap about a smile to the lips and a song to the heart of my fellow men and women unless that smile to the lips of my fellow man is accompanied by huge handfuls of cash and that song to the heart of my fellow woman means my fellow woman's heart is beating one hell of a lot faster than it was just a few seconds ago without the both of us jogging.

Why do I do it?

Maybe mulling over a few things about myself might help me figure it out:

• I like to write in the nude. 

• However, I prefer to write fully dressed.  I only like to write in the nude when all my clothes are in the wash. And by “like to write it in the nude,” I mean “whaddya gonna do?”

• I believe that I have lived before. But it couldn’t have been that exciting; I don’t remember a thing! 

• I just can’t make up my mind whether it’s possible to Petition the Lord with Prayer.

All you folks on Twitter:  Please follow @cubbysobe. For my money, the best tweets anywhere on Fractal Geometry and its Ultimate Reconciliation with the Euclidean Paradigm!

• The secret of my humor writing?  The juice of two whole lemons.

• If you ask me, I will come to your house and read some of my humor pieces to you in person. But NO funny business!

•  I'm frequently mistaken for Jewish. 

• To me, the Beatles were the predominant force in music, culture, and all human self-expression of the second half of the 20th Century. They influenced the way we look, act, think, and feel.  Even though I hate Paul McCartney, I would still die for him!

• And Ringo Starr as a former Beatle is to me royalty on the order of William and Kate. Had he not been one of the Beatles I would still readily give him the time of day, but if he wanted it to be accurate, I would charge him something for it.

Petition the Lord with Prayer ..… Petition the Lord with Prayer….. Petition the ... hmmm…. 

• I’ve often wondered if it will go something like this when they break it to Alex Trebek that it’s time for him to hang it up as host of Jeopardy:

“Uh, Alex, we’re testing a clue for the show here, mind trying it out? It’s TV Hosts for a thousand, and the clue is “He’s boring, over the hill, and outta here.” Oh, there’s the buzzer, you didn’t get it! The answer is “Who is …..”

Things I Find Highly Overrated: Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, the twitter feed @ShitMyDadSays, bright copper kettles, Tracy Morgan, and warm woolen mittens.

• Wanna slip out and meet me for a drink? Oh, you’re terrible!

I make a darn good friend.  I'm always there for you when it's not much trouble, and I make it a definite point to pay back relatively promptly any money I’ve managed to guilt you into letting me borrow.

  I will never in my writing employ cutesy phrases like Best. Movie. Ever. Why? Because they’re Lame. Annoying. And. Douche. Bagging.

You cannot Petition the Lord with Prayer!  (Nailed it!)  

• I am a big fan of the long-running television program Dr. Who,  but I just don’t understand why they keep changing lead actors? Okay, I get it when you’re forced to make a strategic change once as in switching Darrens on Bewitched.  But 11 friggin’ times!!!?

• I have from time to time voted for principled and ethical Republicans in elections where I felt an individual Republican was the best available choice for the office in question. But I have always thrown up afterwards.

• I brake for animals. But I’d speed up for you.

I hope you found these things about me interesting and provocative --- although I can’t imagine why you would!

I guess it goes to show you  that someone can be both annoyingly self-deprecating and disgustingly self-absorbed at the same time.

Hey, how about that? There you go ….

That's why I do it!

TV Hosts for a thousand,  Alex, and the clue is “Your replacement, loser.”  Oh, there’s the buzzer, you didn’t get it!  The answer is “Who is ….."