Aquaman, Ruler of the Deep State

If there's an annoying term that right wing ideologues bandy about these days, it's the "Deep State."

Some believe this term is used to describe people in government who are trying to hinder the Right’s favorite deranged demagogue from destroying the country, but that turns out to be wrong.

The Deep State is Atlantis.

What state could be deeper!

Atlantis sank beneath the waves because Trump convinced its leader Aquaman that global warming was a hoax created by the Thracians. Everyone in Atlantis survived, however, because Aquaman had the foresight to get roadside assistance. 

Under cover of oxygen, Aquaman and his army of clams, shrimp, and other little fishies in the water attacked the White House. Unfortunately Trump was waiting for them with cocktail sauce, oyster crackers, and little forks.

“Mr. President," said Aquaman calling Trump the next day, “you are too brilliant for me. Please come as my guest of honor to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in Atlantis featuring lobster, crab, and many of my other relatives.”

“Will there be mermaid pussy for me to grab?” asked Trump.

“Will there be mermaid pussy?” replied Aquaman. ”You’ll be grabbing so many flippers they’ll call you the Pinball Wizard!”

“I'm there!" said Trump, and hung up.

“When you leave Atlantis, Trump” laughed Aquaman, King of the Sea and Ruler of the Deep State, “the only crabs you’ll have will be the kind you can’t eat!”

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Wonder Woman Around the House

"Wonder Woman! Wonder Woman!  Wonder, where the fuck are you?"

"Oh, Perry, I'm sorry I'm so late! I had to slay a radioactive monster from one of Jupiter's moons that was attacking New York City.  It could breathe fire and play music by ABBA!"

"So? There's no dinner, the dog isn't walked, and no matter how many times I've told you, you put the toilet seat down again!  

"Honey, I'm so-so-so sorry, but the monster was so incredibly vicious it ate all three of the Baldwin brothers, although it did spit out the goofy one Steven. Finally I had to call on Superman to help me catapult it back into space."

"I know.  I've been watching it all day on CNN.  Bet the only reason you called Superman was because you're interested in his Man of Steel."

"No, Perry, no! I'm fully 100% satisfied with your manhood!"

"Well, that's cause you're Jewish, you've probably seen even smaller."

"What would you like for dinner, Honey?  I can fly to Maine and get you a choice lobster, search the sea for the best oysters, or travel back in time for some awesome meat from a woolly mammoth." 

"I'll take the lobster. But step on it, Wonder!"

"Of course, dear,  and .... oh there's the phone. Honey, it's Aquaman!"

"You mean AquaLame?  Tell him to go bother someone from the Marvel Universe."

"Yes, Aquaman?  A huge oil rig has exploded?  Dozens of workers drowning?! A tidal wave of oil threatens to make obsolete hundreds of ocean species?!!  Japan is about to sink beneath the waves?!!!"

"Could we have sex first before you leave?"

"Oh, Perry, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I've got to go.  As soon as I get back, I'll envelope you in my Lasso of Sex, sometimes wrongly called my Lasso of Truth."

"Bye, Wonder."

"Goodbye, Perry, love of my immortal life!"

"So you see, folks, being married to Wonder Woman is not all it's cracked up to be.  And she's Orthodox to boot so she spends most of Shabbot in shul!"

"I guess that's okay.  I sure can use a break from the many hours of phenomenal sex we have every day but Saturday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Honey, I'm home.  Got your mammoth dinner!"

Note: As many know, Gal Gadot who plays Wonder Woman is a Jewish Israeli. She's the kind of girl I used to knock off by the carload back in the day when I was cute! That carload being a Matchbox carload.

Batman v. Superman v. WTF?

The recent release of a trailer for the upcoming movie Batman v. Superman has gotten a lot of people looking forward to seeing the film, and I guess I’m one of them.

I say “I guess”  because I’m sick of superhero movies.  We've reached the point of such superhero saturation that the new movie will also feature Aquaman, a superhero so insipid his greatest power is the ability to order mackerel to defecate on the bad guys should they happen to fall underwater. 

I've always liked both Batman and Superman, however, but pairing them together in the same movie is kind of strange.* Superman is the most powerful being in all of time and space. Batman?  He has as many super powers as you and I except he looks a lot better in tights. 

Frankly, Batman is only a big cheese in a universe in which there is no Superman.  So what does Batman have to offer the Man of Steel in a world in which they both exist?

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Superman:  Great Scott, Batman!  Lex Luthor has catapulted a huge Kryptonite boulder right in our path!

Batman:  Great Scott, Superman, you're right!  Umm ... are you feeling sick, by any chance?

Superman:  No, Batman, I'm sitting here playing strip poker with Wonder Woman. Yes, I'm feeling sick! Hurry, remove the Kryptonite and put it in the lead containment box!

Batman:  Of course, Superman.  But first, we've got a few things to discuss.

Superman:  A few things to discuss?  

Batman:  To tell you the truth, Superman, I'm sick of being the junior member in this partnership.  I want a broader role.

Superman:  But, Batman, I only need you whenever there’s Kryptonite around. That's the job: you pick up the Kryptonite, you put it in the box, and then go take study hall.

Batman:  Yeah, for which you pay me the grand sum of Superhero Minimum Wage!

Superman: But that's all the job's worth. Frankly I could get Aquaman to do this. 

Batman:  Aquaman? That's a low blow.

Superman:  Batman, please hurry!  I'm so nauseated I feel like I've just seen a Val Kilmer movie!

Batman:  Cool your pecs, Clark!  I want a raise and a company match in the "Strange Visitor from Another Planet 401 (k) Plan!"

Superman: But Batman, (cough, cough, cough!) aren't you a millionaire as Bruce Wayne?

Batman: Ever heard of Bernie Madoff, Superman?

Superman:  Okay, okay!  What do you want? 

Batman:  Let’s make it 45 bucks an hour, a 6 % match, and a health care plan that covers having the shit kicked out of you by Bane.

Superman:  Sure (cough, sputter) sure, whatever you say!

Batman:  And I want you to help get the Superhero Minimum Wage raised.

Superman:  Great Scott, Batman, that'll ruin the economy and cost superhero jobs! What will Kochman say?

Batman:  Kochman?! Great Scott, Superman, you’re a conservative?

Superman:  I am. For me truth, justice, and the American way is the Second Amendment, Fox News, and "let's impeach the Muslim President."

Batman:  Superman:   I quit. 

Superman:  You quit?  Batman,  where are you going? 

Batman: Maybe you can get Kochman to help you out at Superhero Minimum Wage.

Superman: Great Scott, Batman, I'm turning into a plate of Kryptonian Goulash!!!

Batman:    Great Scott, Superman, I'm sorry!  Looks like maybe I am the hero Earth needs after all.  

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*Back when I was a kid, Superman and Batman were always paired in World's Finest Comics, which was anything but. The stories were silly and the artwork often second tier. Even when I was ten, I didn't buy it.

Superman's New Power

The makers of the soon to premiere motion picture Man of Steel have promised a major reboot reboot of the Superman legend this time around and who can blame them?   The last Superman film, Superman Returns, was a clunker, among its various sins the featuring of an actor so uncharismatic as the Man of Steel that not only were you rooting for Lex Luthor to knock him off with Kryptonite, you wanted to aid and abet Kevin Spacey in doing the deed yourself!

Changes to the Superman cannon in the upcoming film have been closely guarded, but rumors include the non-destruction of the planet Krypton, a "Jenny Olson," and an actress who is actually talented and good-looking in the role of Lois Lane, notwithstanding the best Lois ever, Noel Neill. But we have now learned that the most major change of all is the addition of a dramatic new power in the arsenal of Superman  capabilities!

Starting on June 14, the strange visitor from another planet whose powers are far beyond those of normal men will now also possess the incredible ability to  

Make a great cup of coffee first time, every time!

********

"Superman, incredibly aromatic and delicious as always!  We'll be able to stop Luthor's plan to rule the world easily now,  thank you!"

"UP,  UP and AWAY!"

"Where are you off to now, Superman?"

"Off to make super coffee for SEAL Team Six, the CIA, and the Democratic Party. Of course, to help the Democrats I'm going to have to make several pots!"

*******

"Superman, Starbucks is threatening to take over Metropolis!  They're opening a new franchise here every 15 minutes!"

"Don't worry, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny!  I'm building a new franchise called "Coffee by Krypton" serving  my special Fortress of Solitude blend! There I'm using my X-Ray Vision to create WIFI wherever there is no Starbucks!"

"Hurray, Superman!  Metropolis is saved!"

"Not yet, Jenny! To truly vanquish Starbucks,  I'll need all my strength to serve hip artistic sensibilities along with the coffee!"

*******

"Oh my God, Superman,  these beans have not yet been ground!  How can we fight the alien invasion without great coffee?!"

"Never worry, General!   I can grind the beans with my super strength in an instant. I'll just grab them in the  palm of my hand and squeeze tightly, the same way I take a lump of coal and make ... Damn!

"What's happening, Superman?  

"I keep turning them into diamonds!"

*******

"It's Kryptonite, Mr. White!  It's sapping Superman's strength.  His coffee is weak and tepid, hardly robust at all!"

"Must ... measure better.  Must ... pour longer.   Must ...must ...  scoop stronger!"

"Quick, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny!  Wrap the Kryptonite in lead or the earth is doomed!  Or at least stuck drinking Lex Luthor Latte from now on!"  

*******

"What is it, Lois?"

"You know,  Jenny,  Clark's never around when Superman shows up and he looks exactly like Superman with glasses.  Also I've had sex with both of them and neither was exactly good to the last drop, if you catch my drift."

"Lois, that's ridiculous! Clark doesn't even post about coffee on Facebook, unheard of for a writer!" 

"Well, I'm going to try something right now.  Clark, get me a cup of coffee, will you?"

"Sure, Lois!  Sanka, Maxwell House, or freeze-dried?"

"Next time I talk such nonsense, Jenny,  trade me to Aquaman!

************************

Of course whether movie audiences will readily wrap themselves up in the Man of Steel's mighty red cape is yet to be seen,  but one thing is for sure, Jimmy ... I mean, Jenny: whether the new Superman truly is more powerful than a locomotive or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, he certainly will have the power to make us all go faster than a speeding bullet! 

And for those of us who love coffee, that's nothing less than Super, man!

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If you liked this post, you might also like Why Superman Hasn't Saved You Lately From Marauding Aliens,  Why Superman Doesn't Need a Secret Identity, and The Next Dark Knight Rising.

If you hated this post, I hope Superman serves you Sanka first time, every time.

What Do You Give the Superhero Who Has Everything?

In Brightest Day, In Darkest Night

Scarlett Johansson is my Ex-Delight.... 

What do you give the Superhero Who Has Everything?

 In the case of Green Lantern, it’s a big budget 3D mega-movie promising to be one of this summer’s biggest blockbusters and starring Scarlett Johansson’s ex-husband,  a man whose any one orgasm with his former wife would probably serve to satisfy the sexual needs of the entire male population of a pretty good sized Midwestern city.

Talk about having everything!

But you’d also have to give the guy in the form-fitting green stretch top and black leotards a Kryptonite-like vulnerability to go along with the awesome capabilities of the power ring he wields. Because Green Lantern is the one superhero actually more powerful than Superman because with his mighty power ring, he could make a Superman!

Superheroes are as omnipresent these days as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s progeny. The array of mythic men and women who’ve been portrayed on stage, screen, and all but enacted live in your living room include Superman, Batman, Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Green Hornet, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Watchmen, Catwoman --- draw deep breath! --- Supergirl, Captain America, the Phantom, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Spirit, the Crow, and Spin Cycle, whose superpower is the uncanny ability to locate missing socks from the dryer. (OK, so I made up Spin Cycle!)

What a far cry from the way it was when I was a super-starved superhero-loving small fry in the Fifties!

Back then superheroes were thought of as strictly kid’s stuff, something you’d magically grow out of as soon as you hit puberty and began to think of Lois Lane not as Superman’s wise-cracking girl friend but as the secluded narrow country road to which you fantasized you’d one day squire off Nicole Halaylos!

The only contact an adult was supposed to have with a superhero flick was the flickering cognizance that he was sitting through one when his 11 year old woke him up to go get the popcorn.

If a superhero movie or TV show got made at all back in that day, the best level star it could muster would be some blandly handsome actor whose greatest claim to fame was having been briefly elevated to the rank of playing Ronald Reagan’s rubbed-out-in-the-first-reel best buddy, the dialogue would have all the depth and conviction of a phone number written on the back of a match book cover, and it would have all been shot on a budget equal to or less than Beaver Cleaver’s annual allowance.

Mostly we kids had to content ourselves with the Adventures of Superman. But although the show did feature George Reeves, the best actor ever to play the Man of Steel, the Adventures of Superman in truth was about as exciting as a Vice-President Richard M. Nixon pin-up calendar.

Week after week, the most malevolent villain Adventures of Superman presented was a bald, weasily, Damon Runyoneque actor named Ben Weldon whose plans for world domination didn’t extend much beyond knocking over the corner Fanny Farmer outlet and making off with the nonpareils. Aside from its passable main effect of Superman flying, other special effects were largely limited to the Man of Steel showing off his super speed by standing in place and saying to the bad guys “want to see it again?”

And that’s why, Gen X and Y’ers, you never see a big budget A-movie superhero flick any earlier than the late 70’s. Why do you think Humphrey Bogart, the greatest tough guy of all time, never played Batman? “You know, Robin, this could be the shtart of a beautiful friendship” does have a certain ring to it, but not to mainstream movie audiences of the 1940’s and 50’s.

Jimmy Stewart would have made a wonderful “aw shucks, turning that lump ‘a coal into a diamond weren’t nuthin'” kind of Superman, but then every Christmas we’d have all been forced to endure:

“Clarence, I don’t know how you know these things.  But tell me, what became of Lois?”

“You're not going to like it, Clark!”

“It’s all right, Clarence.  Just as long as she isn’t an old maid who never married who’s about to close up the library.  Anything but that!”

“What the hell would be wrong with that, you 1940’s superhero chauvinist pig!  No, Clark, she’s Lex Luther’s mistress, she’s about to close up his zipper!”

Would Katherine Hepburn have made a great Wonder Woman? Actually it’s a better question if Wonder Woman, invisible plane and all, would have been up to playing Kate!

But all these attitudes, all these inhibitions, all these limitations --- everything --- changed when the kids of the fifties and sixties grew up and somehow didn’t grow out of superheroes. And now we once super-starved superhero-loving small fry are superhero-saturated!

Even so, I think I might yet check out the Superhero That Has Everything when he opens this summer. Even now, I get a small thrill every time I realize that what would have been so untenable and unthinkable to movie moguls and audiences not so long ago is daily happenstance today.

And as for Green Lantern’s vulnerability? For those of you amongst the great unwashed who know not, it’s the color “yellow.” That’s right; the greatest power in the universe can’t handle the color of bananas.

Hey, even I’m not afraid of bananas!

Scarlett, call me!!!

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Aquaman: Pull Out The Plug

Broadway Beat

 by Nels Noodleman  

It’s been quite an amazing spring on Broadway, folks!

South Park iconoclasts Trey Parker and Matt Stone have scored the season’s biggest hit with a musical called The Book of Mormon, and the much bally-hooed Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark continues to languish with multiple creative changes, reviews worse than your Aunt Matilda's breath, and a price tag that refers to the National Debt as “Squirt.”

Famed Broadway impresario and notary public Perry Block leaned back in his chair and smiled. “When my new musical opens,” he told me on the QT, “we’ll run them all out of town …. or at least into the lobby where they can enjoy an orange drink and a 35 minute wait for the Ladies Room!" 

That new musical is Aquaman: Pull Out the Plug, based on the superhero comic book Mr. Block used to get beaten up regularly for reading in grade school.

“My musical will shatter the myth that Aquaman is the superhero so boring you’d rather spend an evening with Alan Greenspan,” Mr. Block told this reporter. “Let’s say the late Jacques Yves Cousteau had become deranged and sought to destroy the entire universe! Who else you gonna call in? True, we’ve slightly beefed up Aquaman's powers for his Broadway debut. In addition to talking to fish, he can now also talk to vegetables, such as some parsley!”

I asked about the intriguing new villain the play refers to as "the brilliant but demonically fiendish" Dr. Moriarty.

“Yeah, we snaked him from the Sherlock Holmes books and movies,” readily offered the sly Mr. Block, "since the most exciting villain in the original Aquaman comic books was a mackerel.  Frankly we're also considering swapping out AquaLad for Dr. Watson since they're so busy retooling the franchise with Robert Downy Jr. they'd hardly notice that  Holmes’ sidekick suddenly spends the better part of his time gill breathing at the bottom of the Thames.”

Mr. Block is no stranger to Broadway audiences. In recent years he has produced such classics as Jesus Christ Superstar performed entirely by Hassidic Jews; Enter Slapping, a musical based on the life of Three Stooges centerman Larry Fine; and last season’s musical comedy smash Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady starring Newt Gingrich.

“We have a wonderful musical score with music and lyrics written by the legendary Rogers and Hammerhead (Ouch, folks!)," Mr. Block beamed.  "Among the ‘sure to be a hit’ numbers are If I were a Fishman, the haunting ballad High Tide, Low Tide, and the rousing show-stopper Hello Dolphins!”

“What about safety problems such as those that have plagued the production of Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark?” I queried Mr. Block. “We have had very, very few such issues,” he informed me. “Two or three actors experienced cramps on one occasion they went into rehearsal less than 45 minutes after eating, and our lead actor briefly came down with a very mild case of wrinkly fingertips.”

“I’m thrilled to be able to present a dynamic hard-swimming, singing and tap-dancing Aquaman to a new generation of fans,” Mr. Block enthused as he graciously excused himself and headed out to a 6 or 7 martini lunch at Sardi’s.

Having been around the Great White Way ever since it was called the Pretty Good White Way, this Broadway vet thinks Aquaman: Pull Out the Plug will make one great big SPLASH at the Box Office!  

Break a Fin, Aquaman!

After all, folks, what other superhero can all at once command an army of sharks, swim faster than Michael Phelps, and taste absolutely scrumptious in a butter sauce?

From your very own Broadway Buddy,


Mr. Nels Noodleman

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