Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Better Than He Imagined

This one is almost too easy ...

The date had gone far better than Perry had ever imagined it would.

"Hurry, help me out of this dress!"  Angela cried as they returned to her apartment.

Perry's nervous fingers trembled as he unzipped the back of her dress and fairly well ripped the garment from her body.

"Do it now! Please! Now!" she shouted.

Perry began rubbing and stroking,  ever striving toward full and total satisfaction.   

More!  More!!  Harder!!!  Harder!!!!!

Finally, he was spent. 

"Didja get the ketchup stain out?" called Angela from the next room.

"Yeah, kinda," Perry replied.  "Maybe you ought hang this thing outside now to dry."


My first X-rated post for the Friday Fictioneers!  That is, X-rated as in X marks the spot where the ketchup stain used to be.

Wherever the stain was, the picture prompt is up above and the story's below, and this week I came in (poor word choice!) at a respectable 102 words, two above the prescribed limit. If you're ready to slip into something more comfortable for the other Friday Fictioneers, well, X marks the spot to find them here.

"More!  OMG!  Please More!"   Yep, more Flash Fiction next week.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Facebook for Cats

for cats

News Feed

Tabby Tabbers     
Just look at my human Clarence Weinblatt sleeping so peacefully and beautifully. Couldn't you just eat him up? Humans fill our lives with joy, don't they?

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528  kitty kats like this

Purrfect Prudence  So cute!

Fluffmeister  Simply adorable!

Crystabelle I'd love me a human just like Clarence Weinblatt!

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Purrfect Prudence
I just adopted a new human, Selena Sensual, and she loves to cuddle!  Looks like I've got me a new BFF! LOL!

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971 kitty kats like this.

 Crystabelle  So cute!

Fluffmeister  Simply adorable! 

Tabby Tabbers  I'd love me a human just like Selena Sensual!

Perry Block  So cute! Simply adorable!  I'd love me a human just like Selena Sensual! (And Selena, I love to cuddle too!)

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My humans Herbie and Caspar Stillwater enjoying high spirited hijinks!  Did you two guys get into my catnip earlier?  LOL! LOL! LOL!  What crazy capers!

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9,495 kitty kats like this.

Crystabelle   So cute!

Purrfect Prudence  Simply adorable!                    
 Tabby Tabbers  Herbie!     Caspar     I HEART YOU BOTH!!!  .... and so on and so forth!

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Mr. Gee Whilikers

Look, Facebookers, I know you all love your humans. I know they're all adorable.  But where is the substance?  CONTENT, KITTY KATS, CONTENT!

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Note:  Perry Block was forcibly expelled from Facebook for Cats immediately following his incredibly inappropriate post above.   

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is .... WHERE?

I found myself needing automobile insurance recently and wanted to pick the best company to purchase it from. First I thought of Flo from Progressive, but after suffering third degree makeup burns obtaining a quote,  I decided to look further.

The television commercial of one major insurance company intrigued me.  If you have a claim of any kind whatsoever, all you need do is sing the company's commercial jingle and an agent materializes by your side. Despite the fact that I'm tone deaf, that's the kind of service I can wrap my somewhat accident-prone teeth around!

So, I went out and purchased me some State Farm Automobile Insurance.  Darned if within the next week someone didn't go right through a red light and into my car!  Bashed in the whole right side leaving it undriveable and me with bumps, bruises, and maybe a broken arm.

"Thankfully,  I don't need to worry a thing!"  I thought confidently.  All I have to do is lift my voice in song.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there," I sang out.

Instantly a man in a business suit appeared. 

"Wonderful!"  I exclaimed.  "You must be my State Farm Agent!"

"Agent?" he replied. "No, I'm plainclothes police officer Steve Tompkins, and your reckless driving almost killed this poor woman!  It will take hours to write up all the citations and violations you've committed!"

"But what about my arm?"

"I'd be a lot more worried about my ass if I were you, slimeball!" 

Hauled down to police headquarters, I knew I needed help.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!" I sang again.

A woman in a smartly tailored suit was next to me like magic.

"At last," I sighed. "My State Farm Agent!"

"Agent?  No, I'm plaintiff's attorney Jane Slytherin, and I'm suing you on behalf of my client Agnes Somerville for $8 million dollars!  Here's the paperwork; see you in court slimeball!"

Now I kept singing desperately!

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!" 

"You my agent?"

"No, I'm Judge Howard Appelbaum of Superior Court.  I find for the plaintiff and against you in the amount of $15,000,000!  Pay up, slimeball!"

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!!" 

"My... my ... Agent?"

"No, Sheriff John Lawful. We're repossessing your home, all personal property,  your dental bridgework, and just about everything you've ever touched! Well, almost everything."

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ... !" 

"Agent?  Agent?" 

"No, horse doctor Miles Gallop."

"Could you look at my withered arm please?"

"Yep, looks broken. See ya."

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ...."  with the last ounce of my strength.

"Agent ... agent ... you two guys my agent?"

"No, we've come from the state to take you away.  Now go easy, old fella..."

"Why does he keep singing that stupid song?" I heard one say to another. 

"Poor guy, he's way off key," said the other. "Incredible thing, if you sing the jingle in the key of G Sharp, a State Farm Agent appears IMMEDIATELY!"


Thursday, May 23, 2013

A Find Most Rare

"What is it, Professor?" asked Dr. Kropotkin's young assistant, Maya Majoun.

"Remarkable, Maya!" exclaimed the Professor. "I believe this is an extremely rare fossil find of the extinct species known as Publius Telephonis.  I've never seen one before!"

"Never heard of it, Professor. When did they thrive?"

"They roamed the planet freely throughout much of the 20th and early 21st  centuries, then mysteriously vanished!"

"What happened?"

"We don't know, Maya, but we think an enormous meteor struck Earth, wiping them out." 

"Look over here, Professor!  Smaller variations with the words "I-Phone" and "Samsung" on them!"

"My God, Maya!  Publius eggs!"


Hold the phone, everyone!  With the Friday Fictioneers picture prompt up top and my story below,  I called in with exactly 100 words this week, precisely the amount the Professor (in this case, Rochelle Wisoff Fields) assigned.

You can strike many more finds most rare based on the prompt above if you plant your shovels and other tools of archaeological exploration right here.  Dig in, folks

Have a good weekend, and don't forget to guard your publius eggs! 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Scandal Worse Than Watergate

 WASHINGTON D.C., September 14, 2013  ---  Calling it the worst scandal since Watergate, three prominent Republicans spoke out sharply today against Dunderheadgate, the latest scandal rocking the nation.

"Benghazi, the IRS, the Justice Department --- three brave and decent American scandals are dead and those responsible must be held accountable!" said Rep. Harrison Rye (R-KS).

"The deaths of these scandals are due to the shocking and potentially illegal behavior of the leadership of the Republican Party, including  Lindsey Graham, John McCain, Rand Paul and others," asserted Rep. Karen LaVie (R-OH).  "Instead of hurling baseless accusations, engaging in wholesale demagoguery, and endlessly grandstanding these scandals, they asked legitimate questions sincerely designed to elicit truth which weakened the three scandals to their untimely deaths."

"We have met with President Obama regarding Dunderheadgate," added Rep. Martin Canz (R-ND), "and he has agreed to work closely with us to ensure that a full investigation takes place and all responsible members of the GOP leadership pay the price!"

"With the able assistance of the President of the United States," said Congressman Rye, 
"we will bring down those responsible for the tragic deaths of these scandals and get back to the crucial  business of bringing down the President of the United States."


Monday, May 20, 2013

My Off-Brand GPS

The Voice behind my GPS --- NOT!

I'd never purchased a GPS in all these years since they've had them, dual reasons being I don't generally go anywhere I might get lost and I'm penurious, a euphemism for expressing the fact that I'll bend over to pick up nickels off the sidewalk, if not pennies themselves.

However, of late I'd begun to perceive the value of regularly hearing a pleasant female voice speaking directly to me, a rare enough occurrence in my life.  I found myself frequently using the self check out lines at the supermarket just so I could hear a sultry young woman tell me to "press enter" and then thank me for bagging!

I could just imagine hearing that warm soothing voice talking to me day in and day out, guiding me through life, speaking to me and me alone: 

Perry, that was a masterful and assured parallel parking job!  

Perry, look how long and straight you drove down that hard road, just like I asked you to!

Perry, you are my auto-erotic hero!

So I went out the other day and bought me a GPS.  There's only one problem;  my frugality won out, and I bought myself an Off-Brand GPS. 

"Now, Little GPS," I said as the two of us left the store, "kindly direct me to 489 North Cavendish Street."

"North Cavendish Street?" replied the Little GPS. "That's not such a nice neighborhood, I don't think we should go there."

"Where's your sultry pleasant voice, Little GPS?" I asked. "You sound like actress Fran Drescher from The Nanny!"

"You bought an Off-Brand GPS, sir.  You get what you pay for."

"Alright, but please give me the directions to 489 North Cavendish Street."

"Drive straight for three blocks, then make a left on Buchanan Street. Take that down to Malloy Street and make a right."

"Thank you, Little GPS. Now we're getting somewhere." 

"Then proceed about 100 yards and stop to ask directions from the old guy in the stained blue windbreaker."

"What?! Ask directions? That's what you're for!"

"You bought an Off-Brand GPS, sir.  You get what you pay for."

And so it was for the next several days. The Little GPS was generally disagreeable and almost always unhelpful. Finally it reached a breaking point.

"Little GPS, you've gotten us good and lost!"

"We're not lost at all!  Say,  got a quarter?  Call it in the air:  heads we go left, tails we go right."

"Call it in the air, heads we go .... this is ridiculous!"

"You bought an Off-Brand GPS, sir.  You get ...."

"Don't say that anymore!"

"Well, I say YOU got US lost.  You're the one with the reputation for screwing up!" 

That was it!  Bargain or no bargain, the Little GPS was getting returned!  Fortunately on my way back to the store I found a half dozen pennies on the sidewalk.  Well, this time around I bought myself a Premium GPS featuring the voice of Scarlett Johansson.  I don't even care if it gives decent directions.  

Frankly I don't take it out of the house ...


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Leaves of Grass

"Place sure looks deserted to me," said Floyd. "Why's Old Man Gardner paying us to check it out?"

"He wants to see if anyone's still living there," answered Calvin, "so let's get going."

Swatting at flies and mosquitoes, Calvin and Floyd trudged through the high grass and overgrown weeds up to the broken down porch of the 100 year old faded Southern Belle of a home.

"Anybody in there?" shouted Calvin. "Anyone at all?"

The pair heard a rustling noise from within the house that grew louder until the door cracked open and a pair of eyes peeked out.

"Yes?" said the eyes.

"You livin' here?" said Calvin.

"Yes," said the eyes once more.

"Well, Old Man Gardner's got a message for ya.  Says he ain't mowing the lawn again until somebody pays up what's owed!" 


With the picture prompt above and my story based upon it below, Old Man Gardner's got a message for me too, which is:

"Perry, you came in at 137 words this week in your Friday Fictioneers entry.  Don't look at me to mow it down to a proper 100!"

A lush garden of other Fictioneer entries based on the prompt above blooms by clicking this link.  

Happy Spring, Y'all!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

McDonald's --- Your Great Gatsby Headquarters!

“I’ll have a Quarter Pounder, small fries, and a coke, please.”

“Why, you’re the callow Nick Carraway from the hit film The Great Gatsby!”

“And I’ll have a Big Mac with all the fixin’s, Old Sport!”

“And you’re The Great Gatsby! Welcome to McDonalds!”


Yes, this summer, McDonald’s is your Great Gatsby Headquarters!

All summer long every Happy Meal comes with an action figure from the new hit movie “The Great Gatsby,” overdirected by Baz Luhrman and starring a miscast Leonardo DiCaprio.


Tom, the racist asshole,

Myrtle, the blowsy tramp,

Meyer, the oily Jewish gambler,

Daisy, the pretty but essentially worthless airhead,

Nick, the closeted gay man, and

The Great Gatsby, the endearing but grandiloquent phony baloney himself!

Collect ‘em all!  But you better hurry, because just like the lean spare prose of the novel, this offer is limited!

So, beat on, boats against the current …. 

to  McDonald's!


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Greatest Invention Ever

It may be a bit of hyperbole to call it that, but Superman couldn't think straight without it,  and without it  Batman might as well call himself Bruce and fight crime in a tuxedo.  And its inventor is  indeed one of the richest men in American.  

Who is he?

Wayne Blitzstein, the inventor of the comic book "thought balloon."

Prior to Blitzstein's dazzling innovation, all characters in comic books thought in the same manner in which they spoke.  A word balloon coming to a sharp point directed straight at each character's head was used for both thought and speech.  Consequently every character in every comic book knew exactly what each other was thinking!

Pandemonium ensued. Commissioner  Gordon, the  Joker, the Penguin, and every other resident of Gotham City knew Batman's secret identity, rendering him far less effective as a crime fighter.  Mostly he just gave out parking tickets and posed with Dorothy Lamour. Superman, for his part, was constantly being slapped by Lois Lane whenever he gave her the once-over with his ex-ray vision, causing her to break her hand in every edition of Action Comics until the early sixties!

The worst impact of the so-called Uni-Balloonular System of Comic Art was visited on the romance genre of the comic book. Since characters kissing passionately had to think in the same word balloons they were speaking, their thoughts could consist of nothing more than: 

"Mmm-Wahhhh! Mmmm-Wahhhhhh!"

Gradually romance comic books became almost as sappy and infantile as CNN's approach to news reporting.

Assigned to work on Wonder Woman in the late 1950's, Wayne Blitzstein was rapidly becoming sick of drawing uni-balloons with the words "stop thinking about my tits!" One night while chewing bubble gum and thinking "maybe if I took her down a cup size or two," Blitzstein blew a bubble and made a connection:  thoughts could be separately depicted by a series of bubbles leading to a word balloon, and the sharp pointed balloon reserved for speech! 

Comics were revolutionized! Batman was able to think about how he hated his implausible runt of a sidekick while beating the crap out of the Joker, Lois Lane's hand healed and she grew neurotic and unstable over whether or not Superman dug her, and romantic comic book leads could finally smooch while thinking more mature plot-driven thoughts, such as ....  

She: "I wonder if he knows I'm cheating on him with  fully two-thirds of the Green Bay Packers?"

He:   "I wonder if she knows I'm cheating on her with  fully two-thirds of the Green Bay Packers?"

Wayne Blitzstein became fantastically wealthy and today lives mostly on a private island he owns off the eastern coast of Europe known as England.  A bit of a recluse, he does not like to talk about his billions or his days as the struggling comic book artist who sounded the death knell for the Uni-Balloonular System of Comic Art.

How does he feel about his place in the history of  the comic book?

Who knows?  He always thinks in thought balloons. 


"Mmm-Wahhhh! Mmmm-Wahhhhhh!" no more