The 60 Minutes Theme Song

Time was most television shows began with theme music that included song lyrics which served to orient the audience to the characters, premises, and events of the show so that no one would be clueless as to which member of the cast was Ozzie and which one was Harriet.

You remember:

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ...

Here's the story of a lovely lady ...

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed  ...

What was so wrong with this trend?  What if you'd never seen the show before? You'd be lost without this vital explanation and explication and you'd wind up doing something self-destructive, like reading.

Let's bring this practice back:

The 60 Minutes Theme

to the tune of

The Patty Duke Show Theme

Here’s Lesley who’s reported most everywhere,

From Zanzibar to Donald Trump’s hair.

But Bill Whittaker's only seen the sights
A guy can see from newbie heights!

What a journalistic pair!                   

But they’re correspondents,

60 Minutes correspondents

All the way.

Just two pairs of three reporters,

We watch each and every Sunday.

Now Charlie Rose used to be the best,

From CBS Mornings to PBS.

But they caught him with his dick aloft,

So now we settle for Steve Kroft.

(Charlie, give it a rest!)

Still they’re correspondents!

60 Minutes correspondents and you’ll find,

With Scott Pelley, Lara, and Oprah too,

What’s the matter,
Not a single Jew?!

It’s a grueling grind!

When 60 Minutes correspondents are six of a kind!

Nah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't think so either.

The School for Evil Twins

Good morning, everyone!

This is the first class of your freshman introductory Being a Prick 101 here at the Diablo School for Evil Twins.   

If any of you are now realizing you are in the wrong class, please note that Cackling Malignantly is in Room 672 and Nailing the Good Twin's Girlfriend 201 is  across campus in the Sinestro Builging.

I'm your professor, Damian Malveo.  

Now each of you is the specific one-half of a set of twins who wishes to imperil  humankind to the brink of cataclysmic destruction. All your life you've been an annoying little twit, but by the time you finish your education here you will so wicked and depraved you will be to your good twin like Paul Ryan is to the guy who used to be Paul Ryan!


Now, why be an Evil Twin?

1) Really cool music plays whenever we strut onto the scene.

2) Love the way our dedicated though half-witted lackey Bruno says "Right away, Boss!" 

3) Great fun to explain our evil plot to the good twin after demonically chortling "Now, Dear Brother, that you can no longer do anything to stop me,  ha-ha-ha-ha ...!"  

Class, I'm about to distribute a very special piece of  "Evil Twin Equipment."  Here are your dark black goatees, everyone! Some are flecked with gray, your choice; remember to wear them at all times to distinguish you from the good twin."

"Mr. Domer? You have a question." 

"What if my good twin has a goatee himself?"

"Good question, Mr. Domer. Then we add an eyepatch, jagged scar, or full- face Jack Palance mask.  All that is covered in Being a Prick 201.

Ready, everyone?   One, two, three...ADHERE!

Terrific!  All of you look really evil. Especially the women. 

Now here's a question for all of you to ponder:

Why should an evil twin never bind the good twin to a laser beam or perch them over a tank of piranhas and say "I will take my leave of you now; Goodbye, brother!" and then exit the room?"

"Because they might escape, Professor?"

"Very good, Plotkin!  Many evil twins make this mistake and the prisoner slips  away to thwart their dastardly plans. This will be on the mid-term.

Next question:  Why do evil twins never tie the good twin down and force them to listen to ABBA?"

"Because even we are not that cruel?"

"Absolutely right, Ms. Comstock! Even we are not that cruel."

Now class, we are going to spend the rest of our time today discussing how to fool your good twin into thinking the phrase "I know there is still good left in you, brother!" is actually starting to get to you.

Tomorrow, we'll focus on methods and techniques for Tricking the Good Twin's Dog into Thinking You're the Good Twin. This can be very valuable in getting your face licked to lure multiple characters to their doom!

And remember, everyone: Death Ray Class Monday at 10:00 sharp! Come prepared to destroy the city.  If you don't feel ready to destroy a major American city yet, please see me after class. 

We'll annihilate a small town like Havertown Pa and work up from there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And class, both you and your twin should check out Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  It WILL be on the Being a Prick 101 final!"

Hamill Town, An American Star Wars Musical

   

            HAMILL TOWN                 AN AMERICAN STAR WARS MUSICAL

Lin-Manuel Miranda has done it again!

What has the creator of one of the hottest shows ever to play Broadway done?

Nothing less than double his remarkable success with the opening of his latest musical, a hip hoppin’ retelling of the Star Wars legend called Hamill Town!

Miranda's second tune-filled masterpiece presents a play within a play as the residents of a small Kansas community named after an actor who was box office poison for 40 years annually presents a thrilling Star Wars pageant.

Opening with a rousing tribute to the town of Hamill Town (Welcome All to Hamill Town), the townsfolk enact the tale of Alexander Skywalker, abandoned by his father and living on the forgotten spot planet of Tatooine. 

Longing for more, Alexander finds himself in the middle of the Revolutionary War against the Empire.  Befriended by the leader of the Revolution, Obie-Wan Washington, Alexander shares adventures with Chewbacca Adams, the Marquis de R2-D2, Jabba the Jefferson and his enigmatic rival Darth Burr, who may actually be his father. 

The play ends spectacularly in a light saber duel between the two as Skywalker sings "Who Lives, Who Dies,George Lucas Tells Your Story." 

Once again the incomparable Miranda stars in the lead role and his voice is as strong and lyrical as ever as he sings:

I'm blasting into space

To save the human race

And through my veins does course

The Mighty Feder-a-list Force!

A revelation in the role of Darth Burr, however, is Nicolas Cage. Who'd have thought he could sing hip hop?  Who'd have thought he could dance? Who'd have thought he could act?

If you've got a trust fund, rich uncle, or are a porn star who's had sex with Donald Trump and recently received your lump sum payoff, get yourself down to the Helen Hunt Theater and marvel to Hamill Town!  

And good news! Word is that before long Lin-Manuel may have a third hit show on his hands, a musical based on the life of one of the beloved stars of the movie The Wizard of Oz.

Personally, I just can't wait for:I TOWN

 HAMILL TOWN

AN AMERICAN STA

 HAMILTON   

AN AMERICAN WIZARD OF OZ MUSICAL     

AN AMERICAN STAR WARS MUSICAL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nels Noodleman is a nationally known and reviled theater critic who writes on the Broadway stage.  Whenever he's discovered writing on the stage, he's usually thrown out of the theater. Over the course of his checkered but mostly plaid career Nels has reviewed all of the major Broadway plays of the last half century. 

Someday he hopes to see them too.

Groundhog Day II

II

Cast

Phil Connors                           Rita Hanson

Larry the Camera Man             Ned Ryerson

The Piano Teacher                   Sonny & Cher

Alarm Clock Clicking Sound

SCENE ONE

Phil Connors is in bed asleep in his hotel room in Punxatawney PA. 

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio)

They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow ...

I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

Phil gets up, yawns, and stretches.

PHIL

It's Groundhog Day. I’ve got to get to work.

Phil leaves room, grabs two cups of coffee and Danish, and meets Rita and Larry at Gobbler's Knob.

RITA

Phil, over here, we're setting up for our shot of Punxatawney Phil.

PHIL
Here you go, Rita and Larry! I've brought you coffee and Danish. 

LARRY
Take your coffee and Danish and shove it, Phil!

PHIL

Why, Larry?

LARRY
It took 83 Groundhog Days for you to think to bring it to us, jerk!

PHIL

But, Larry ... Rita ... how do you know that?

RITA
Phil, we know you're living the same day over and over again!  You're able to continuously improve yourself every day and you don't get any older. Who'd you have to shtup to get a deal like that anyway?

PHIL

Well, I didn't actually...

RITA
Why did you get this arrangement?  Why not someone deserving like Abraham Lincoln? Mother Teresa?  Why not Larry and me?!

LARRY

Get the hell out of here, Phil!

Perplexed, Phil goes back to his room and back to bed.  

SCENE TWO

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio):
… I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

PHIL (startled)

Oh! Another Groundhog Day!

Phil gets up, leaves hotel room, and goes into town. 

PHIL

Ned!  Ned Ryerson, the insurance man.  Come on over, buddy!

NED

Fuck you, Phil!

PHIL
Why, Ned?

NED

It took you 126 Groundhog Days until you acknowledged me! And only because you were desperate for insurance against attack by people pissed off by the sweet Groundhog Day deal you got.  

PHIL
All right, Ned, I'll buy more insurance. Life. Health. Pet. I'll insure a boat and I don't even have one, I get seasick!

NED

And when are you going to pay me for the policies you already bought? Let me guess: Tomorrow? Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

PHIL
But ... but... but...

NED
Get the hell out of here, Phil!

Very upset, Phil goes back to his room but almost as soon as he lies down ...

SCENE THREE

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio):

… I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

PHIL (Flustered, hands over his head)

Another Groundhog Day!  They're coming faster than ever!

Phil stumbles out of room, sits down next to piano teacher, and starts playing.

PIANO TEACHER

Mr. Connors, I have to say your piano playing sucks.  Next to you, ABBA sounds good.

PHIL
But this is just my first lesson with you.  I can't be expected to...

PIANO TEACHER

First lesson?  Try 137^th lesson! Everybody knows you repeat Groundhog Day over and over again!

PHIL
But I try to improve myself a little each day.

`

PIANO TEACHER

By playing piano? Why aren't you doing something to benefit humanity! At 1,237 Groundhog Days you should be Batman by now!

PHIL
Well, I tried that, I looked bad in tights.

PIANO TEACHER

Get the hell out of here, Mr. Connors!

Crazed, Phil lurches back into his room. Almost immediately ... 

SCENE FOUR

CLICKING SOUND 

SONNY & CHER (on the radio):

… I got you babe, I got you, babe... 

PHIL (exasperated, arms flailing)

No! No! Not another goddamn Groundhog Day!

Phil staggers out of the room to Rita. He shows her a large ice sculpture of her face.

PHIL (hopefully)

Look, Rita, I've made a lovely ice sculpture of your face.

RITA (sneering)
Terrific, Phil.  You've received the greatest gift ever bestowed upon a human being, and you play in the ice and snow!

PHIL

But it's for you!

RITA

2,034 Groundhog Day do-overs and you're building snowmen? Why aren't you at least Batman by now?

PHIL

I may not be Batman, but I did save Brian Doyle-Murray from choking.

RITA

Big deal. What movies has he been in lately? 

PHIL

But Rita, I love you!

RITA

Really?  Ever think it might have helped if sometime during all these thousands of Groundhog Days …

PHIL

Yes, Rita?

RITA

You took a fucking shower?!

SONNY & CHER (walking on stage)

I got you, babe!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"None of That Ever Happened, Melania" or Bobby Ewing in the Shower

It's the Dallas Bobby Ewing in the Shower Syndrome, Melania!

“Donald? … Donald?! … Oh my god, Donald!!!"  

“What, Melania?”

“What are you doing in the shower?!!”

“Washing my enormous girth, what else?”   

“But you’re supposed to be at the White House, not the shower at Trump Tower!”

“What are you talking about?”

“If you’re here at Trump Tower, who’s polarizing the country? Who’s tweeting about fake news? Who’s destroying democracy as we know it?”

“Melania, who do you think I am?  President of the United States?”

“Of course you are! And I’m First Lady, no matter what Ivana says.”

“Melania, Crooked Hillary creamed me in the election last year. I finished fourth, behind Jill Stein and Gary Johnson."

“That can't be! You've been President for a year!"

“I think I get it now.”

“Get what?”

“It’s Bobby Ewing in the Shower Syndrome!”

“The what?"

“In the 80’s on a TV show called Dallas actor Patrick Duffy playing a character named Bobby Ewing wanted to leave the show. So Ewing was killed off at the end of the season."

"So?"

“Next year Duffy wanted to come back. In that season's first episode Bobby Ewing reappeared fully alive and fully unclothed in the shower in front of the actress playing his wife, and Dallas wrote off the entire prior season as a year-long dream by the wife!”

“That's a terrible cheat on the audience.”

“You're not kidding. And it's happening all over again, right down to the naked man in the shower. Although this time the naked man is Trump!"

“I’ve had a year-long dream?”

“Yes. Not that I was dead, but that I was President of the United States!”

“You‘re not?”

“Of course not! Once I stopped Putin from meddling in the election, I had no chance.”

"You didn’t put through a huge tax cut for the rich?”

“Why would I do something that sleazy to the American people?”

“You haven’t called Kim Jong Un ‘Rocket Man?’”

“That would be hugely irresponsible. It could touch off nuclear conflagration!”

“You haven’t bragged about how you can grab women’s pussies whenever you want?”

“Well … maybe that one.”

“I dreamt all that?”  

“Of course you did. Nobody could act that way as President and not be  impeached.”

“Really?”

“Do you think the Republican Party could possibly be such a bunch of spineless wimps as to allow anyone behaving like that to remain  President!”

“Yet it all seemed so real … so real.”

“None of that ever happened, Melania.”

“Donald, if it was all a dream, what have you actually been doing this past year?”

“Going bankrupt. As usual.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you're too young to know about The Bobby Ewing in the Shower Situation on Dallas, here's a good review of one of the greatest, if not the greatest, storytelling fails in the history of television.

If the Lone Ranger had a Jewish Faithful Friend, or Hi-Ho Hyman Silvers!

Like every child of the fifties, I returned to those thrilling days of yesterday whenever I heard:

“A fiery horse at the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty Hi-ho Silver! The Lone Ranger!”

But things have not gone so well for the Lone Ranger since then.

A few years ago, the Ranger's long-time Faithful Friend Tonto walked out on him - claiming he wanted to do a "single" - and began dating Cher. The Masked Man hastily started interviewing for a new Faithful Friend.

Then the bombshell that rocked the nation:  

 The Ranger was refusing to interview anyone who wasn’t wearing feathers! 

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) swiftly intervened and the Masked Man agreed to embrace diversity and reach out to white guys.  

And now, we children of the fifties may once again return to those thrilling days of yesteryear whenever we hear:

"A fiery horse at the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty Hi-ho Hyman Silvers! The Lone Ranger!"  

 The Ranger hired 57-year-old Hyman Silvers, an accountant from Queens NY, as the new Faithful Friend. Mr. Silvers had done well in the personal interview, making the Ranger laugh when he answered the question "Where do you see yourself in five years?" with “Buried deep within the arms of a young shikseh, Mr. Ranger."

 At first there were problems along the trail.

“This is where we go to the bath room, CHHemosabe?” asked Hyman. “A cactus?”

“Just don’t lean into it," said the Lone Ranger. “And that’s kemosabe, not CHHemosabe!”

 “Hyman,” said the Lone Ranger, “help me make camp.”

 "I can't really help you make camp, Lone, but I'll be glad to help you make reservations."

 Ambushed by the Butch Cavendish Gang, the Ranger had to make a run for it, calling out “Faithful Friend, cover me!” 

 “Here’s 15 bucks, Lone,” said Hyman. “Does that cover you?”

 Gradually Hyman Silvers developed into a worthy Faithful Friend, trusted and appreciated by the Lone Ranger himself.

“Hyman has introduced me to some delicious grub called herring,” beamed the Ranger, “and he knows so many great jokes about guys in the garment district named Ginsberg!”

“Plus he came up with idea of my ditching this idiotic mask! I don’t have a secret identity and this mask does nothing but get people shooting at me thinking I’m an outlaw!”

 “That mask is totally farcacta, Lone!” added Hyman Silvers.

“That’s right, Faithful Friend,” agreed the Lone Ranger. 

“Now get the hell out of here and make camp, you schlemiel!"  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~