Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Lassie Come Home (FF)

Lassie!  Lassie!  You've come home," shouted out Timmy's mom, Mrs.Martin. "I knew you would, girl, I knew you would!"

Lassie was trotting along the railroad tracks and glimpsing Mrs. Martin, she excitedly ran right up to her.  The old girl looked exhausted and emaciated, her hair and coat filthy and matted.

"Poor girl, what you must been through!" cried Mrs. Martin. "We will take care of you forever and forever more, Lassie."

"With all due respect, Mrs. M," said Lassie, "all I came back for was my toothbrush. I'm hooked up with an ashram in the next county."

"Oh, and tell Timmy everything has been swell, but frankly, I liked Jeff better."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You most likely don't remember, but Lassie enchanted us on the small screen all through the fifties and then some, living with a number of masters and sometimes living without them because she was a lot smarter than you or I.

This is my Friday Fictioneers contribution based on the picture prompt above, and below are Jeff (the first owner) and Timmy (the second) in their heyday.


              Jeff                                                   Timmy
             
Maybe one day Lassie will return to Timmy because Timmy's now about 60 and Jeff, I'm afraid, has passed.Click here for more of our dog and pony show only without the pony as authored by our Fellow Fictioneers.

"Hey Lassie!  Here, girl, I've got your toothbrush! Vibrating too." 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Destination Mars!

Mars, here I come! 

"Perry Block, you've just been chosen to be one of the 100 eligible individuals to fly to Mars! How do you feel?!!"

"All right.  And you?"

"No, no, I'm asking how do you feel about traveling to Mars as part of the Mars One Project?!"

"Oh, yes. It represents the culmination of a lifetime dream."

"To explore the unknown, to travel into space, to benefit humankind?"

"Nah, to finally win something."

"How did you enter the contest?"

"I had this Cheerios Box, it said no purchase necessary ..." 

"But surely you're excited about traveling to the red planet?"

"I'm not even sure I'd like to travel to a red state."

"How did your family and friends receive the news of your impending departure?"

"Oh, very well. Those that took my call said: 


That's great, Perry, you finally won something; oh, I've got a beep."

"Do you worry about the isolation and loneliness of the journey?"

"If you knew anything about my weekends, you'd know I've got that one covered."

"Have you given any thought to the possibility of meeting alien life forms?"

"Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting Michael Rennie from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Boy, could he rock a suit!"

"Yes, but what if what you find is more like Independence Day?"

"That'd be awful. Death by cliche."

"Or like Mars Attacks, directed by Tim Burton."

"Oh, boy, would my autograph book be out!"

"You know, Perry, you really don't express the kind of enthusiasm many of the other candidates express about the mission. Some have called this the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Oh, sure, if you consider the opportunity of a lifetime the opportunity to be eaten by gigantic space worms."

"Others have said they're thrilled not to be living a 9 to 5 kind of life."

"I wonder if those others gave any thought to playing the mandolin in Nepal as opposed to being vaporized into fertilizer to be spread over purple and pink gnarled plants that goose you as you walk by." 

"What do you think you'll be meditating about as you'll gaze fondly back at earth at night while living on Mars."

"Oh, many things: 

  • If Law and Order is still on
  • If what's happening on earth is good for the Jews
  • If Flo has finally had a makeover
  • If the word "boner" is now fully synonymous with Brian Williams
  • If Fox News has become an animated cartoon, and lately
  • If John Travolta has actually gotten goofier

"Finally, how would you sum up what's ahead for you."

"I am about to begin my five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no person ...."

"Perry, excuse me, but this isn't a five year mission. This is for the rest of  your life."

"Holy crap! I better start reading the back of my Cheerios boxes more carefully!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, February 20, 2015

Nearer My God Particle to Me (FF)


 “Professor Kropotkin!” exulted Physicist Heinz Malatest, “we've finally isolated the most basic building block of the Universe right here in our cyclotron.”

"You mean the God Particle?!” 

"Yes, the final root building block of all life, of all matter, and even of all Governor Christie, should there turn out to be enough of them. Here, take a look through this high strength microscope powered by my Apple IPhone 6."

"Why .... Wow! The God Particle is so colorful! It looks like a cape Liberace would have worn!"

"Exactly! You see, the Universe is not organized according to mathematical principles as once thought, but according to the tastes and styling of Mr. Showmanship himself, Liberace!”

“I guess the Universe could do worse.”

“Indeed so.  Provided you like ermine and gold lame."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have no explanation whatsoever for this one, other than that I was in a silly mood and I've never liked math, so why not organize the Universe under a more flamboyant standard such as that of Mr. Showmanship, the late Lee Liberace?

I'm sure the many other Friday Fictioneers have done better and more credible with the picture prompt above, so I hope you'll quickly click here and be transported to universes far far away and long long ago possessing much much better stories.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to figure out how the God Particle came to have the word "Exxon" written on it, along with all its normal sequins and streamers. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

I'll Never Be Hungry Again! (FF)

Copyright - Rochelle Wisoff Fields


Fade out, music plays, first part of movie is over.

Intermission

Fade In, music plays.

"Oh Rhett, how thoughtul .... Olive Garden!"

"Eat as many bread sticks as you like, Scarlett." 

"As God is my witness, I swear I'll never be hungry again! But what about the bill, Rhett?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankly, my friends, one would wonder whether Scarlett might have preferred to starve under this scenario.  However, at least I've cut to the chase and brought our protagonists together far more quickly then ever before and saved you an hour and a half of the more boring parts of this movie in the doing.

And yes, as my Valentines's Day Friday Fictioneers present to you, I have brought you Rhett and Scarlett and soggy breadsticks, which you'll find strikingly similar to your actual Valentine's Day except without Rhett and Scarlett. You can check out the Valentine's Day presents from the other Fictioneers by clicking here. 

You'll never be hungry for flash fiction again.

(Note: I just changed the name of this piece because everyone was focusing on bread sticks, not Gone with the Wind. This is a GWTW spoof with an ancillary joke about Olive Garden food.  I hope this is more clear.) 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Platonically Incorrect

 Until Now ....

I've been buddies with my good friend Ellen for almost 30 years.  

Our relationship has always been platonic.

But my last engagement in non-platonic activity was a long time ago, and when I say a long time ago I'm talking presidential administrations, not weeks.

And so it came to pass that in winter this old man's fancy turned to behavior that was platonically incorrect.

"It’s good to see you, Perry.  Did you bring the movie page?"

"Yes, Ellen, but it's cold outside and they're talking flurries.”

"But I want to go to the movies."

“How about we stay in, get cozy on the couch, and maybe watch something romantic?"

"Romantic? Us? Like what?"

"Romantic like ... the sexiest show with the most nudity we can find on 
HBO!"

"No way! I'm not watching a bunch of overly tattooed guys pretend to have sex with vacuous coked out blondes with big tits."

"You just described half a dozen of my favorite movies."

"Perry, I want to go out."

"Hey, Ellen ... I brought wine! And glasses.

“What?”

"Here you go, kid!  To your health!  And your stamina!"

"What is going on with you, Perry?!"

"Ellen, did you ever hear of the expression 'friends with benefits?'"

"Now I get it. You're feeling horny."

"That's not true! What I happen to feel is the need for a night of closeness, true bonding, and deepening ties between us. And yeah … I'm feeling horny."

"So you want to enroll in benefits, eh, mister?"

"Beats TrumpCare."

"I'm sorry, Perry, I'm not having sex with you!  We're good friends, and I want to keep it that way."

"You know we're not really such good friends. We have nothing in common."

"We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, mythology, and hating ABBA.”

“Is that all?”

"Perry, I’m not going to screw you."

"One time. Just one time! Pretty please?"

"Not going to happen."

"Fine, Ellen. What movie do you want to see?"

"‘Carnal Knowledge.’"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Maze Maker (FF)

 copyright Melanie Greenwood

"Did you create this maze?  It's incredible!"

"Thank you very much.  Carving out mazes is a hobby of mine."

"Well, you sure are good at it.  I've been in here almost 15 minutes and I'm just now finding my way out!"

"15 minutes?  Hey, that's not bad at all!"

"Ha! I was beginning to think I should have ... ha, ha ...brought dinner and a flashlight."

"Yeah, I've frequently thought that too."

"Frequently thought that too? How long have you been in here?"

"Two years and four months, ever since I carved it. Thank God you found me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankly I'm not particularly good at mazes either.  The last time I went through a maze by the time I came through the other end Morlocks and Eloi were running the operation.

You won't need a time machine, however,  to check out the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers relative to the picture prompt overhead, but you will have to contend with the weekly mazelike grid of Fictioneers that Russell calls the Hollywood Squares Authors Block.

To read them all won't quite take you two years and four months.  Bring dinner and a flashlight though.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award


We've got a winner!

Carrie Bailey is perhaps the most inspiring person I've never met.

That is, never met in person. 

I know Carrie Bailey through the Internet, Facebook, and Twitter. In her 30 plus years of life she has lived on multiple continents, raised a son to adulthood, authored short stories and poems, become a painter, and earned a graduate degree in New Zealand. During that same period of time, what I have done is put down the clicker, stand up, and go from the den to the kitchen for snacks.

Carrie has been kind enough to tag me for the highly coveted Very Inspiring Blogger Award, and I must say that I am truly delighted to walk off with an award this year that even Michael Keaton didn't get. Thank you, Carrie.

As part of the gestalt of winning this award, it is now incumbent upon me to share seven facts about myself.  Some of what follows may not be suitable for children or for that matter, suitable for anyone.

1) I was born and raised a Buddhist and went to Buddhist School until I was 13 to prepare for the Coming-of-Age Buddhist Ritual, in which you get a lot of presents. To this day, older Buddhist women are constantly coming up to me and saying "Have I got a nice Buddhist girl for you!"

2) I regularly fill in for Bruce Wayne as Batman on weekends and holidays, but mainly I just hand out parking tickets and pose for pictures with Cameron Diaz. 

3) I did successfully get though law school many years ago (there were far fewer laws back then) but my legal career began its rapid downhill slide when I identified "jurisprudence" on the Bar Exam as "some chick who came over on the Mayflower."

4) I am deathly afraid of spiders.  Many people say I should appreciate spiders because they eat other bugs. Well, I'm rooting for the other bugs!

5) I have always wanted to be referred to as "The Lovely and Talented Perry Block."

6)  I am terrified of sharp knives. I have spent the better part of the last twenty years attempting to develop food with zippers.

7) I have scoliosis (curvature of the spine). But on the bright side I charge Zorro a ton of money to use my back for practicing the "Sign of the Z." 

Bonus Fact: I'm not particularly good at parallel parking.  I have been known to be unable to pull into spaces Godzilla has just vacated.

As I begin the glorious year ahead as A Very Inspiring Blogger, I will keep in mind that if I cannot complete my duties for any reason whatsoever --- and not just the ones that involve people pointing at me and giggling --- the first runner up will take over the responsibilities of my crown. Therefore I am designating the entire list of folks below as first runner-ups.

They are also not coincidentally those folks I am personally tagging as Very Inspiring Bloggers.  They need feel no obligation to designate other people as inspiring bloggers if they prefer not to, because I have that power!

Russell Gayer - Very funny & that's why I hate him
Janet Webb -  Sensitive & poetic 
Alicia Jamtass - Unique takes on life
Amy Reese - Quirky & original

I might have named many more, especially among the flash fiction group known as the Friday Fictioneers, but I must begin my reign. I plan to do some major league inspiring later today.

But first, I'm gonna get me a nap.


This is where Carrie Bailey comes from.  
I'll be posting a picture of where I come from with the
 above ground pool and clothesline soon.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~