Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Life's Little Pleasures 2023

I've frequently been accused of being sort of a negative person, but that is totally ridiculous, stupid, and as completely wrong as a thought can be and anyone who thinks it is an idiot not worth associating with.

Okay, it's true.  

But there are some things that I do enjoy, things that I refer to as Life's Little Pleasures, which include:

  1. Discovering it’s safe to say "fuck" around a new friend.
  2. Popping all the large round bubbles in one of those sheets of plastic wrapping stuff that just came to me in a package and then finding an extra sheet of that stuff in the packaging I hadn't noticed before all ready to pop! 
  3. A stimulating intellectual conversation into which I've been able to insert the word "throbbing" at least twice.
  4. Sitting by the shore watching the waves roll in and out on a beautiful summer's day. 
  5. Successfully opening one of those goddamn clear plastic produce bags on the very first try!
  6. Being smiled at by an attractive  woman as I walk down the street even if it's only because there's toilet paper stuck to my shoe.
  7. A great cup of coffee that you didn’t expect in a shitty restaurant.
  8. Getting up extremely early for a special purpose, like going on vacation or a special trip, and thinking how good it feels to be utilizing and experiencing these precious morning hours when normally I wouldn't even be close to getting up. Then going back to bed.
  9. Waving someone into the lane ahead of me, seeing the other person smile broadly, look very appreciative, and wave back. Then ramming them!  (Just kiddin.')
  10. Running into someone I haven't seen in a long time and falsely gushing about how good he looks and when he doesn't return the compliment after numerous tries to lead him straight into it watching a bird take a  big dump right on his head.
  11. Any time I get to use the word "mercurial." 
  12. Meeting someone new and finding out that we both know someone in common and after further conversation finding out that we both think the person we know in common is an asshole! 
  13. Walking in a deep soft snow late at night when no one else is around and running into someone else doing the same as you. 
  14. Finding a pair of jeans that fits really well in the rear because I have such a tiny butt if I were to fall really hard on my ass I would probably die.
  15. Watching the really awful bad guy I've hated all through the movie suffer a truly gruesome, painful, horrible death while screaming "AHHHHHHH!!!," even if the movie otherwise sucked and even if I feel guilty about feeling that way later.
  16. Watching two or three small bunnies cavorting on my lawn.
  17. Me cavorting on my lawn with two or three small bunnies.
  18. Getting lost in a good book, especially if each and every way out of being lost goes past a sex scene.
  19. A day without spilling, were I ever to have one.
  20. Hearing someone who is sort of a jerk use a word like “irregardless,” and when I very nicely correct him he expresses the obnoxious and condescending opinion that he knows he is right and I am obviously wrong and savoring the glorious  thought of the person looking it up later and saying aloud “oh, shit!" 
  21.  The Oxford Comma. It is always right, just and appropriate.
  22.  Being caught up and fully up to date in a project, assignment, or major task you’re doing.
  23.  Yeah, like that's really going to happen …
  24.  Learning a new word and shortly afterwards reading it or hearing it used a number of additional times and finding it amazing that you had never heard that word before in your entire life, and now it seems to be everywhere!
  25.  Anticipating Trump's imprisonment.
  26. Feeling yourself genuinely affected with emotion at hearing unhappy news or watching a sad story on television and thinking “gee, maybe I’m not such a self-absorbed, vacuous waste of an unfeeling human being as I thought I was after all!” 
  27. Sharing a box of popcorn with somebody with whom you feel close enough to eat out of the same box of popcorn with. (But no way buttered!)
  28.  Being asked by a friend to read something they have written and after you read it being able to tell them that you truly liked it without having to lie! Or maybe just a teeny bit.
  29.  Finding an interesting coin from another country in your change.
  30. Completing all of the items on your “To Do” List.
  31. Yeah, like that's really going to happen …
  32.  The first day you finally feel you are pretty much over your cold.
  33.  Being in a room full of hundreds of people at a conference and even though you feel apprehensive about speaking in a group that large, raising your hand and asking a question and hearing the speaker say “that’s a GREAT question!”
  34.  Fantasizing about living in another period of time like the Middle Ages but still possessing your current knowledge, sophistication, and liberal views, so you are considered “ahead of your time.”  And not getting burned at the stake for it.
  35. Having an opportunity to obtain a celebrity’s autograph and selfie and despite feeling reticent about it, going up to the celebrity, finding them to be friendly, and getting the autograph and selfie. That is, if you're not too old or goofy looking to be intimidated by having a picture taken with somebody that way better looking than you. 
  36. Needing gas on a day that’s very cold and being in New Jersey where by law there’s an attendant to pump it for you and you don't have to get out of the car or do a damn thing!
  37. Successfully parallel parking in a narrow space without scraping your tires, banging the car in front and/or behind you, or running over innocent bystanders.
  38. Having a friend of the opposite sex with whom you feel as close to as a friend of your own sex.
  39.  Anybody's smile.   
  40. Any items on this list about which we have written ”yeah, like that's really going to happen” actually happening.

Sunday, October 1, 2023

Thirty Failed Pick Up Lines Baby Boomers Have Tried With Millennials


1. Can you believe I have a granddaughter your age?

    2. Oh yes, I think the Weeknd is one of the best groups around.

    3. Do you know Jim Morrison would be older than I am if he were alive?

    4. “You say goodbye, I say hello.”

    5. Let’s go someplace more comfortable. Like the Emergency Room.

    6. We used to say “far out” back in the day. Now it’s my belt size. That’s a joke!

   7. Want to hear my Dwight David Eisenhower impression?

   8. My wife didn’t understand me. While she was alive, that is.

   9. Super Bowl III. Now that was a Super Bowl!

  10. Can you explain to me exactly what a meme is?

11. It’s called a turkey neck. Wanna touch?

12. Wolf Blitzer: He just speaks to me.

13. So, I said to my ex “Bye, bye Miss American Pie!”

14. Do you like Steely Dan?

15. Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Lana Turner?

16. Yes, I remember the 60’s well. Now that I’m 70. Yes, that’s a joke too!

17. Ever hear of the Strawberry Alarm Clock?

18. Can you fathom how people can mark up their bodies with tattoos?

19. Can you believe some people don’t know the difference between Peter and Gordon and Chad and Jeremy?

20. Who doesn’t love seersucker?

21. For my money, the best comedian ever was Mr. Don Rickles!

22. Wanna know what’s a really good Medicare Supplemental Benefits Plan?

23. I think the only really big star to come out of SNL was Chevy Chase.

24. Did you know Beaver and Wally are on Me TV?

25. Do you like the Stooges?

26. Laugh if you want, those discount meals at IHOP are really good!

27. Wanna see my neat collection of tie-dyed shirts from the 60’s?

28. Can I buy you a drink? A Shirley Temple? That’s another joke.

29. Would you believe I started the day with a colonoscopy?

30. Trump? Oh, he’s not so bad.