Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Dracula 2015 - An Epistolary Novel

Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you!

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor's notes, ship's logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?

Jonathan Harker's Twitter
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Transylvania will be awesome! Dude named Dracula texted me &      I'm off!  Luv u, @Mina_HotChick! ♥ ♥ ♥!!!!  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women here look pretty except when u get near them, they all look like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka! 

 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my  neck!    WTF?  #DontTellRabbiMishkin

 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Woohoo!

 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Place could use work.    Nothing that a coat of paint & 6 wrecking balls couldn't  cure! #WhataDump  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending same-sex wedding w/ Justice Scalia!  :-(    :-(    :-(   

Dracula's Twitter

I am @Fangsalot46.   I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly

Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and pickaxes!  LOL!!!  :-)

How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian's bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie

WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  Wait,  I'm sensing a boy band here ....  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backstreet_Boys

Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Tomorrow there will be breakfast, and since this is Twitter, with bacon & copious amounts of coffee!    

No, I never drink .... coffee.  Just sayin' .   

I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. That's my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?   

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina.  I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count is a Tweethead! What's worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten! 

 Mina Murray's Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is  our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!


Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!

Dracula's  Facebook

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!) 

Jonathan Harker's LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker
Current Position:Solicitor (Living) 
Next Position: Solicitor (?)

Mina, the count is an ardent Facebooker too! I must now communicate through LinkedIn.  Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, especially people who want to get a job.

Dracula's LinkedIn
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Free Lance Blood Sucker (No, not an attorney)

Good Evening, Mr. Harker! Note that I have already endorsed you for European travel, real estate development, and Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck now with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!

Jonathan Harker's Twitter   
   Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 @Mina_HotChick! Had a tete a tete w/ the Count & all is fine. You will be a bite ... I mean, sight ... for sore eyes!  Luv u!  ♥ ♥ ♥!!!! #WannaNeck?


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Trak All The Way (FF)

© Kent Bonham

Trak leaned back in the limo and savored the sweet satisfaction of the moment. He was on his way to the world premiere of his new motion picture, Trak All The Way, his first ever starring effort.  He wondered what that bastard Shrek must be thinking.

Trak and Shrek had gone to drama school together, but while Shrek found fame in a series of Disney pictures, Trak had struggled. Years of undistinguished bit parts had finally led to the second banana role in a series of Mel Gibson movies, but all of them had been stinkeroos, especially Lethal Ogre 3. 

Unfortunately the critics were not kind to Trak All The Way. "Trak carries a movie like other actors would carry a ten ton weight,” mocked Variety.  Next day the phone rang. "It's Shrek,” said Trak's mom. “Says he can’t wait for Lethal Ogre 4."


I don't know about you, but I've never seen any of the Lethal Ogre movies.  I hear the fading Gibson pretty much sleepwalks through each one of them and Trak delivers lines like Comcast delivers services.  Anyway, this tale of Trak represents my take on the picture prompt above for this week's Friday Fictioneers.

The other Friday Fictioneers will give you no Shrek (in Yiddish, it means "fright") and keep you on Trak with their takes on the picture prompt if you grab a big club (optional) and click right here.

Shrek may gloat, but Trak All The Way actually wasn't that bad a movie. I just didn't find the love scenes between Trak and Scarlett Johansson all that convincing.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Brief Encounter

Jeannie?  Perhaps ...

"Perry!" I heard a voice come up behind me. "Perry, is that you?"

I was in a local department trying to purchase a pair of socks that might fit me without creating indentations in my ankles the size of the Grand Canyon when I heard the sweet voice.  I turned around and there she was.  

It was Jeannie, the cute accountant who I'd worked with at my former job. She looked pretty as ever and her reddish hair was feathered and hung casually and attractively to her shoulders.

"Jeannie!" I exclaimed. "How are you?  It's great to see you!" 

I'd had a crush on Jeannie almost since I'd met her, although I'd never acted on it. Aside from the inconvenient fact that she was married, I had never pursued it because of:

1) Proper concern for the company's Anti-harassment Policy
2) Lack of guts, and
3) Did I mention lack of guts?

And now here she was before me. And she was looking ...

"Super! You look super, Jeannie!"

"You're looking well too, Perry," she said.

Shit, I'm only looking well!  Only well?!! 

"Yes... um ... but Jeannie, would you like to see some pictures of me when I still cute?  I have them here."

"No, thanks, Perry. You've shown me those pictures many times, once twice in one day."

"So-o-o,"  I said, "how have you been since the old company?"

"Well, not good at first. There were money problems, then marital problems.  Then I got divorced."

DIVORCED!!! Fantastic!  Fireworks!! Marching Bands!!! The Fourth of July!!!!

"Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Jeannie.  I'm genuinely sorry."

"That's okay, Perry.  It's better now."

Here at long last was my Golden Opportunity!  Onward, Jewish soldier! Guts, man, guts!

"Jeannie, would you like to get a cup of coffee?"

"Why, I'd love to."

She said YES!!!  In my mind, we were already gazing longingly into each others' eyes, in bed exploring every position imaginable in the Kama Sutra, applying for social security online together ....

"Oh, wait a minute," she said.  "I won't have time. I'm meeting Charlie at 5:00." 

"Uhh ... who's Charlie?"

"My fiance.  He got me through the divorce and we fell for each other."

Fell for each other?! Like from a building? Hope he broke something!!!

"He's wonderful," rhapsodized Jeannie. "Say, how's Brandon?"

"He's ... he's... going to college or something. Something or other."

"Goodbye, Perry," she called as she scurried away. "Loved seeing you," 

"Loved seeing you too," I choked. "Best to good ol' Charlie!"

Well, at least my trip to the department store wasn't a total loss.

At least I got socks.


Friday, June 19, 2015

The Phantom (FF)

@Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

"Look, up above!"cried the audience members at the Paris Opera House. "It's the Phantom of the Opera swinging on the chandelier!"

"Please, Mr. Phantom, don't drop the chandelier upon us!" shouted the people in the audience. "Many of us have families.  This being France, many of the men have two families!" 

The Phantom stopped rocking the chandelier, regarded the audience below, and spoke.

"Folks, I mean no harm. I'm just here to stop them from putting on this godawful Phantom of the Opera musical, I'm so sick of it!"

The audience gave a sigh of relief.

"Everybody, my wife Christine has cooked up a spread for us down in our cave beneath the Opera House!  Join us; she makes one mean Jewish apple cake!"


So I cleaned up the Phantom legend a bit in this offering for the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above! Hope you can join us at Erik and Christine's for some Jewish apple cake. No mater how bad it might be, it's gotta beat having a chandelier dropped on your head! 

If you're not interested in the music of the night, click here for the music of the other Friday Fictioneers.

What does the Phantom look like? So he ain't pretty, he sure knows how to put out a great spread!

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Beach Blanket Boomer

If there's one thing I love about the summertime, it's hitting that beach! The sand, the sun, the surf, riding the waves, relaxing by water's edge, there's nothing like it.

Except lately, something seems a little different.

"Sir, this is where you buy the beach tags," said the young guy at the entrance to the beach.

"Okay," I replied, "I know you gotta maintain the beach.  How much?"

"Oh, for you, the senior rate is only 6 dollars."

"The senior rate?!!  How do you know ...um ... I qualify for the senior rate?"

"Oh, you more than qualify, sir. The senior rate starts at age 65."

"I see. I have a question."

"Yes, sir."

"What's the best location in the surf to have the undertow carry me out to sea forever?"

I purchased the tag and, loaded down with beach chair, bag of food, and suntan lotion in a protection factor the number of which approaches the temperature on the surface of the sun, I hit the beach. Gee, the ocean seemed so much further away than it used to. As I trekked forward through the hot and shifting sand, I began to feel like Lawrence of Arabia, only without the heroics. 

No doubt about it, I realized: I am now a Beach Blanket Boomer!

Oceanside at last, I set up shop. Here's where you see hot young girls in their revealing bikinis frolicking about, lying on blankets with their tops undone soaking up the sun, and splashing about in the ocean, the waves caressing their taut young bodies.

And here's where you also see hot young girls in their revealing bikinis frolicking about with muscled blond tanned surfer types, lying on blankets with their tops undone soaking up the sun next to muscled blond tanned surfer types, and splashing about in the ocean, muscled blond tanned surfer types caressing their taut young bodies.

Okay, I realize I haven't been in the running for girls like this since Barry White was on the charts, but the pain of that realization lingers on like a fever blister. But c'est dommage, I still love riding those waves, I have since I was 12.

So, frothy brine, here I come. In a moment I'll be off splashing and swimming my way out to where the big waves break and grabbing me  some invigorating rides to shore.

I dipped my foot in the ocean water, and ....


Maybe I'll go in a little later.

Returning to my chair, I began slathering on my nuclear powered suntan lotion when I heard a voice behind me.

"Care to join us in a game of horse shoes?"

Horse shoes?!!

I turned around and drank in a big beer belly above Speedos, gray chest hairs matching a grey toupee resembling a golf divot, and nipples so big I would have been turned on were they on a woman.

"Join us," he said. "We got five guys, we could use another." 

Please don't relate to me, I thought!  Please think I'm younger than you.

"C'mon, friend, it's the perfect thing to do on the beach for guys our age. What are you gonna do --- chase women?"

I'll tell you what -  I don't think I like being a Beach Blanket Boomer.   

Maybe I'll rinse the sand off, check for gray chest hair, and hit the casino.


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Hillary Clinton's Race for the White House Board Game

               Ready, Everyone?  Let's Play!

Just hangin' with Bill one day, giving him shit, and then it occurred to me that ...

I think it might be fun to run a country!

Spin: Announce candidacy with idealistic words "Everyday Americans need a champion. And I want to be that champion."   Advance directly to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway! 

Spin: Land on Bernie Sanders. Agree that he is a principled, hard working, and caring individual who truly wants the best for America.  Thank God he is un-electable! Spin again. 

Spin:  Land on Rick Perry. Stop to explain his own programs to him.  Lose five turns before giving up.

Spin:  Land on Climate Change. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

                          Enter FOX NEWS FOREST

Spin: Land on Benghazi. "Lies! Treason!  Ignored pleas from consulate for more security including request for a large bald ogre with a club!  Unanswered Questions, many in easy multiple choice format! Told forces to stand down and have a nice lunch! Lies! Treason!
Benghazi!     BENGHAZI!      Benghazi!!!"

(Ah, shut up already, you jerks. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!)

Spin: Land on Scandal Smorgasbord. "Whitewater, Rose Law Firm, missing files, favoritism, Travelgate, financial  irregularities, unexplained firings, money lost, money made, yada yada, yada" ... Alright, who knows, maybe there is something somewhere. Okay, lose a turn.

Spin: Land on Sean Hannity. If this were a golf course you would now be in the biggest sand trap in history!  Must spin a 7 to get out. Hurry!  And as soon as you are out, don't forget to rake his face!


Spin: Land on Scott Walker. This guy posed naked and thinks he has the stones to stand up to Putin?! Well, he does have stones anyway.  Lose a turn to ogle him because you probably haven't seen a naked dude in a long time.

Spin:  Land on Rick Santorum.  Stop to explain that Transgender does not refer to train which runs from Europe to Asia as in Transgender Express. Advance 5 

Spin: Land on Ted Cruz. Wait a minute! This guy went to Princeton and Harvard?!!  You're incredulous? Go back 3 spaces for being Incredulous!

Spin: Land on Monica Lewinsky.  Lose a turn for Scratching her Eyes Out

Spin:  Land on Evolution. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

Spin:  Land on Marco Rubio.  This is the true Watergate!  Spin twice while he's still drinking.

Spin: Land on Bill Clinton.  Advance 25 spaces for standing by him publicly while Scratching his Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Jeb Bush, who makes valiant effort to convince nation he is an only child.  Epic Fail.  Advance 10 Spaces.

Spin: Land on Pantsuit Palace to refuel campaign wardrobe. Ogle yourself but lose two turns. 
Spin:  Land on Mike Huckabee. Carelessly mispronounce his name. Return to Sean Hannity!  (Only kidding ... return to Marco Rubio.) 

Spin: Land on Jeb Bush, this time making ill-conceived effort to attract female voters. History making fail.  Spin three times.

Enter E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Invitations Sent to Play Candy Crush.  Lose two Turns and Go Play the Stupid Game already.

Spin: Land on E-Mails to Unknown Wealthy Nigerian. Deduct 22 million dollars from campaign war chest and get butt back to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway ASAP!

Spin: Land on E-Mails with Raunchy Jokes to and from Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.  No penalty provided you share some with us.

Depart E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Rand Paul. Trip over toupee blown off by his own hot air. Treat skinned knee,  return to Pantsuit Palace to buy new pantsuit.

Spin: Land on White House Vestibule, 3 spaces away from White House.  Must spin exact number to enter White House, become President, and win the game.

Spin: Too bad, you spun a 4. Oh, I forgot  to mention if you spin above the correct number, you Return to Start. Well, there's no reason to call me that, Hillary! Gee, you are a bitch!

Spin:  Okay,  okay, you're in, you're in!  Congratulations and ....

Hail to the Chief!


Home Sweet Home
Once More.

"Bill!  Bill!  Is that vacuuming and dusting done yet? Did you iron my pantsuit?
And did you hire the new intern?  Yeah, Scott! Who the fuck else?"