You say you want a resolution?
Actually, you don't. You should want to make a resolution for 2013 about as much as you want discretion lessons from General Petraeus.
New Year's resolutions are the source of more guilt than a battalion of Jewish mothers. A 2007 survey showed that 88% of all people who set New Year's resolutions fail to keep them, a figure we know to be reliable because the researcher performing the survey had resolved for 2007 to be slipshod and inaccurate in surveys about resolutions.
And face facts: there's little doubt the 12% of folks who actually succeed with their resolutions have been keeping every one made since birth, unlike you and me who've been breaking them regularly since we first resolved to stop sucking on our pacifiers in the middle of the last century.
So you still say you want a resolution? Here's why you don't:
1) Increase your vocabulary.
Want to start throwing words like indolent and ingenuous around? Dude, you're not about to be hired by the New York Review of Books and the lazy and simple-minded idiots you hang with wouldn't understand you anyway.
2) Get a better job.
In this economy? Look, you're putting food on the table. Granted it's a very small table.
3) Stop your excessive drinking.
Instead, join the Republican Party; you'll learn all about the wasteful federal programs for the 47% who won't take responsibility for their own lives. Sign up for each one and pretty soon you'll be living better than Mitt Romney. And you'll still be drinking!
4) Watch less television.
There's a rumor Kim Kardashian might take off her top this year. You going to miss that?
5) Lose weight.
So you get on a scale and it makes a highly audible "BOINGGG" sound and the needle spins like a seismograph in the middle of an earthquake. Sure, you could resolve to lose weight but if you're over 45 nobody's going to want to have sex with you anyway. Relax and enjoy the Swedish meatballs.
6) Stop procrastinating
I'll come up with a rationalization for this one later.
7) Volunteer to help those suffering through a disaster.
Why? What did the victims of Hurricane Sandy ever do for you all the years you were married?
8) Join a gym.
Gyms and fitness centers in January look like the national convention of the American Society of Endormorphs & Ectomorphs. By February they resemble a 3-D audiovisual depiction of your social life. Why hand money over to a cynical corporation so thoroughly on to you?
9) Stop Biting Your Nails.
Yeah, you could do this. Odds are you're going to wind up biting something else, like my nails or the nails of the guy on the bus next to you.
10) Be a Better Person.
Hope all of this is helpful. But what, after all, is the one true reason that you ought to never say you want a resolution?
That's the one.
Happy New Year!