Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Trump Costing Jewish Comedy Writers Thousands of Jobs

Donald Trump has claimed emphatically in two recent press conferences that he is not Anti-Semitic, famously stating that he is “the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever seen in your entire life.”

Yet despite this, Trump has now been unmistakably identified by all 17 United States Intelligence agencies as the direct cause of the loss of thousands of jobs held by Jews throughout the United States and the world.

Since Trump’s election, talk show hosts and stand-up comics have directed their mirth-making attention towards the President because the jokes practically write themselves.  And with the emergence of self-writing jokes, Jewish comedy writers have become obsolete and are now being fired by the tens of thousands.

Jews working for The Late Show Starring Steven Colbert, Late Night with Seth Meyers, The Daily Show, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and Full Frontal with Samantha Bee have all been sacked.  (No writers have lost jobs with The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon because the show sucks and employed no Jews.)  Judd Apatow, Woody Allen, and Mel Brooks have all filed for bankruptcy and Larry David has gone into hiding to escape irate creditors

And what does President Trump have to say about all this misery and strife being visited upon the Jewish people? Today Trump tweeted:

The "intelligence" services and Fake News have said I caused all these problems, but as usual they lied.  It wasn't me.  It was ....

The Jews!


My thanks to Samantha Bee, whose original line "Jokes don't write themselves. Jokes are written by Jews" inspired this post.

Monday, February 20, 2017

The Least Anti-Semitic Person You've Ever Seen

I was watching Donald Trump’s impromptu press conference last week, and I heard a young Orthodox reporter ask the President a question about anti-Semitism.

"Number one,” replied Mr. Trump, ”I am the least anti-Semitic person you've ever seen in your entire life.”

How about that? Mr. Trump is the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life!   I never knew that.   

But wait a minute.  That must mean everybody else I‘ve ever seen in my entire life is anti-Semitic!  At least somewhat.   

I came downstairs to the kitchen and my son Brandon was sitting at the table.

“Just what anti-Semitic schemes are you busily hatching, kid?” I snarled.

“What are you talking about, Dad?” 

“I never realized you disliked Jews, Brandon.  What have the Chosen People ever done to you?"

“What are you saying? I’m Jewish just like you.”

“Well, you may be Jewish, but you’re not as not anti-Semitic as President Trump.  President Trump is the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life."  

“Dad, you’re crazy.”

“No wonder you always get three out of the Four Questions wrong every Passover," I snapped, and stormed out of the house. 

But as soon as I got outside I noticed something I never realized before.

Everywhere I looked there were people who were not less anti-Semitic than Donald Trump! My neighbor Mr. Lieberman, the lady down the street Mrs. Schwartz, young Danny Feldman on his way to school, the Reisman’s dog Hymie ---- virulent Jew haters all!

Now I was truly terrified.  I drove directly to the synagogue, I desperately needed to see Rabbi Debbie King.

“Rabbi King!   Rabbi King!” I shouted running into the Temple Building.

She heard me and came out of her office.

“Yes, is that you, Perry Block?”

 “Yes, it is, Rabbi.”

“How can I help you, Perry?”

“Rabbi, everywhere I look I see ….


“Everywhere I look I see ….


“Why, Rabbi King, you anti-Semitic bastard you!”

The world is and has always been a perilous place for us Jews. Thank goodness for Donald Trump, the least anti-Semitic person I’ve ever seen in my entire life.


Friday, February 10, 2017

Trump Furious that Circle Got the Square

"I'll take Jake Tapper to block, Peter." 

President Donald Trump today lambasted cable news channel CNN for adopting a Hollywood Squares format and taking FAKE NEWS to an all-new level when Trump picked Paul Begala in the Center Square to win.

"The CNN panels look a bit different than on the original Hollywood Squares," said Trump, "but that's not the bigly problem.  When Paul Begala was asked true or false 'The decision on Trump's immigration ban was the worst legal decision in history' and he answered 'False' and the host agreed, I knew the answers were coming straight from the failing New York Times!"

"I should have gotten my circle in the square to win the game. Terrible!  Dumb!" 

Trump also tweeted that the panels were stacked with people known to be liars like Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer, and Harvard Law Professor Alan Dershowitz.

“Then I picked Gloria Borger to block," added Trump "and she was asked true or false 'there were millions of fraudulent and illegal votes against Donald Trump in the last election' and she said 'False' and Anderson Cooper agreed. The real Hollywood Squares never lied to the American people like that!"

"I loved that show," said Trump wistfully.  "Where are Charley Weaver and Paul Lynde when you need them?" 


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Trump Attacks Terrorist Nordstrom Founder

President Trump lashed out today at Nordstrom’s for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s clothing and accessories line, placing the blame directly on an 1887 immigrant to the United States named John W. Nordstrom. 

“Had there been a brilliant statesman almost as smart as myself back then to impose a ban on immigrants into the United States from the outlaw nations of Iraq, Somalia, Iran, Libya, Sudan, Syria, Yemen, and Sweden,” Trump stated, “Ivanka would not have been treated as horribly as she has been by Nordstrom’s. Because there never would have been a low-life shit store like Nordstrom’s!"

“Instead, bad actors like John Nordstrom flooded into the United States, making fortunes through hard work instead of by inheriting them and founding department stores for the express purpose of committing acts of terror against owners of fine clothing and accessory lines like the one owned by my beautiful and sexy daughter Ivanka.  BAD!"

"If they had had Donald J. Trump Extreme Vetting back then, a dishonest loser like Nordstrom would have been exposed for his hatred of truth, justice, and fine clothing and accessory lines and returned to Sweden to found Ikea."

Trump next introduced a young man who joined him at the podium.

"By the way, this is Skippy Cumberson, a bad high school student from Rochester, New York," said Trump. "He failed French and Shop Class. I am now appointing him to the open Supreme Court seat instead of that big mouth Neil Gorsuch."