Monday, March 2, 2015

The Verdict on Brian Williams

DATELINE L.A. FOR 
PEOPLE COOLER THAN YOU

A Shocking Lack of Credibility!

June 14, 2015 ....  Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You has learned that NBC has completed a comprehensive investigation regarding  former NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams which has proven categorically that Mr. Williams has "misremembered" far more about his past than the incident in which he claimed to have been riding in a helicopter under fire in Iraq.

The NBC Investigation has revealed a staggering number of additional events Mr. Williams has "misremembered" including:
  • Upon birth, Mr. Williams immediately spoke French, German, and Czech, though his use of the idiom in Czech was so-so.
  • As quarterback of the high school football team,  Mr. Williams' mighty passing arm and expert play calling led his team to four straight undefeated seasons. With typical modesty, he credited the guys who "block on the line" and the scrawny equipment manager with making the sole difference that led to the championships.
  • As a political science major at George Washington University,  Mr. Williams developed the concepts of divided government, separation of Church and state, res ipsa loquitur, corpus juris secundum , veni vidi vici, and Pig Latin.  
  • Mr. Williams once threw himself on a live grenade to save a busload of children in Pakistan. That he was in New York at the time is notable.
  • At a convention of Supermodels in Las Vegas at which he spoke in July 2009, Mr. Williams made passionate love to over 14 such models,  all of whom were quoted as saying that not only did Mr. Williams make the earth move, he made it twerk.
  • Mr. Williams did in fact storm the Normany Beaches in France on June 6, 1944 by virtue of a time machine that he himself had fully conceived and single-handedly built in 2004.  He received both the Purple Heart and the Crayola Heart, which represents such valor it encompasses every color there is. 
  • Mr. Williams gives 100% of his income to charity and lives in a small cardboard box under US I-95

The key finding of the NBC Investigation is that at the very time as all these actual and fully verified events were taking place, Mr. Williams was stating to others that he had been shopping for dental picks at Walmart! 

Based upon the investigation, President of NBC News Deborah Turness has stated that "Mr. Williams' shocking lack of credibility in claiming to be in Walmart while actually performing world-class heroic feats is certainly cause for immediate termination, but I have decided instead to reassign him to the position of announcer on the Jimmy Fallon Show, where night after night he will have to pretend that Mr. Fallon is funny." 

Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You thinks this is apt punishment indeed for this phony baloney!  And BTW, Brian, ummm, you got any numbers left over from that time in Vegas?

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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Lassie Come Home (FF)

Lassie!  Lassie!  You've come home," shouted out Timmy's mom, Mrs.Martin. "I knew you would, girl, I knew you would!"

Lassie was trotting along the railroad tracks and glimpsing Mrs. Martin, she excitedly ran right up to her.  The old girl looked exhausted and emaciated, her hair and coat filthy and matted.

"Poor girl, what you must been through!" cried Mrs. Martin. "We will take care of you forever and forever more, Lassie."

"With all due respect, Mrs. M," said Lassie, "all I came back for was my toothbrush. I'm hooked up with an ashram in the next county."

"Oh, and tell Timmy everything has been swell, but frankly, I liked Jeff better."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You most likely don't remember, but Lassie enchanted us on the small screen all through the fifties and then some, living with a number of masters and sometimes living without them because she was a lot smarter than you or I.

This is my Friday Fictioneers contribution based on the picture prompt above, and below are Jeff (the first owner) and Timmy (the second) in their heyday.


              Jeff                                                   Timmy
             
Maybe one day Lassie will return to Timmy because Timmy's now about 60 and Jeff, I'm afraid, has passed.Click here for more of our dog and pony show only without the pony as authored by our Fellow Fictioneers.

"Hey Lassie!  Here, girl, I've got your toothbrush! Vibrating too." 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Destination Mars!

Mars, here I come! 

"Perry Block, you've just been chosen to be one of the 100 eligible individuals to fly to Mars! How do you feel?!!"

"All right.  And you?"

"No, no, I'm asking how do you feel about traveling to Mars as part of the Mars One Project?!"

"Oh, yes. It represents the culmination of a lifetime dream."

"To explore the unknown, to travel into space, to benefit humankind?"

"Nah, to finally win something."

"How did you enter the contest?"

"I had this Cheerios Box, it said no purchase necessary ..." 

"But surely you're excited about traveling to the red planet?"

"I'm not even sure I'd like to travel to a red state."

"How did your family and friends receive the news of your impending departure?"

"Oh, very well. Those that took my call said: 


That's great, Perry, you finally won something; oh, I've got a beep."

"Do you worry about the isolation and loneliness of the journey?"

"If you knew anything about my weekends, you'd know I've got that one covered."

"Have you given any thought to the possibility of meeting alien life forms?"

"Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting Michael Rennie from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Boy, could he rock a suit!"

"Yes, but what if what you find is more like Independence Day?"

"That'd be awful. Death by cliche."

"Or like Mars Attacks, directed by Tim Burton."

"Oh, boy, would my autograph book be out!"

"You know, Perry, you really don't express the kind of enthusiasm many of the other candidates express about the mission. Some have called this the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Oh, sure, if you consider the opportunity of a lifetime the opportunity to be eaten by gigantic space worms."

"Others have said they're thrilled not to be living a 9 to 5 kind of life."

"I wonder if those others gave any thought to playing the mandolin in Nepal as opposed to being vaporized into fertilizer to be spread over purple and pink gnarled plants that goose you as you walk by." 

"What do you think you'll be meditating about as you'll gaze fondly back at earth at night while living on Mars."

"Oh, many things: 

  • If Law and Order is still on
  • If what's happening on earth is good for the Jews
  • If Flo has finally had a makeover
  • If bald guys named J.K. are now considered sexy
  • If the word "boner" is now synonymous with Brian Williams
  • If Fox News has become an animated cartoon
  • If John Travolta has actually gotten goofier

"Finally, how would you sum up what's ahead for you."

"I am about to begin my five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no person ...."

"Perry, excuse me, but this isn't a five year mission. This is for the rest of  your life."

"Holy crap! I better start reading the back of my Cheerios boxes more carefully!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, February 20, 2015

Nearer My God Particle to Me (FF)


 “Professor Kropotkin!” exulted Physicist Heinz Malatest, “we've finally isolated the most basic building block of the Universe right here in our cyclotron.”

"You mean the God Particle?!” 

"Yes, the final root building block of all life, of all matter, and even of all Governor Christie, should there turn out to be enough of them. Here, take a look through this high strength microscope powered by my Apple IPhone 6."

"Why .... Wow! The God Particle is so colorful! It looks like a cape Liberace would have worn!"

"Exactly! You see, the Universe is not organized according to mathematical principles as once thought, but according to the tastes and styling of Mr. Showmanship himself, Liberace!”

“I guess the Universe could do worse.”

“Indeed so.  Provided you like ermine and gold lame."

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I have no explanation whatsoever for this one, other than that I was in a silly mood and I've never liked math, so why not organize the Universe under a more flamboyant standard such as that of Mr. Showmanship, the late Lee Liberace?

I'm sure the many other Friday Fictioneers have done better and more credible with the picture prompt above, so I hope you'll quickly click here and be transported to universes far far away and long long ago possessing much much better stories.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to figure out how the God Particle came to have the word "Exxon" written on it, along with all its normal sequins and streamers.