Tuesday, December 12, 2017

My Rocky Raccoon Eyes



I’ve often wondered why I still have long eyelashes at age 67. 

What once served as a somewhat pleasing complement to my blue eyes (ahem) and youthful appearance today provides me with little more than the capability to flick away dust and the occasional errant fly.

Long eyelashes do not turn one into Elizabeth Taylor at 67 years old.

It’s a different story with respect to that which lies under my eyes.  There reside circles so dark and deep-set one would think a deranged bartender had attacked my face with two shot glasses.

Unlikely my vestigial eyelashes, the dark circles under my eyes do indeed serve a purpose in the current day—making me look like former talk show host Larry King. After a couple more of his weddings.

A few days ago I ran into Farbman in the city.  He took one look at me and began singing:

"Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon"


“Why are you singing ‘Rocky Raccoon,’ Farbman?” I asked. 

“Your dark circles, dude. You’re looking like a raccoon these days!”

“Thanks! Lovely to see you too.”

But Farbman’s boorish song was a clarion call to action.  I marched myself to the nearest department store and straight to the Elliot Arpeggio make-up counter. Behind the counter was a stylish and very attractive young woman---the kind who would have roundly rejected me even when I was young and cute.

“Miss, I’m looking for…”

“Oh, I can tell what you’re looking for, sir.  Y’know, I’m reminded of an old Beatles song…”

“Alright, I’ve heard it already today!”

“My name is Greta, sir, and I can help you find just the right shade of eye cream for your Rocky Raccoon eyes.”

She managed to get it in after all.

Greta and I went through many different shades of cover-up.   Dark Tan with Yellow Undertones.   Light Flesh with Green Highlights.  George Hamilton Super-tan with Flecks of Melanoma. 
 
 “This is the right one,” shouted Greta, “we’ve found it!”

“What is it, Greta?”

 “Medium Pink with Essence of Jew!

“Do I really look younger?” I asked.

“You sure do, sir!”

“How much younger?”

“About 30 dollars younger. With tax, $33.80 younger.”

Taking my newly concealed circles out into the sun, I felt a new confidence radiating within me.  Were women actually looking at me?

That hadn’t happened since the Reagan Administration.

I called Farbman to meet me to show off my new found eye-opening return to youth.

"Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon"

“Farbman, you’re still singing?  But my circles are gone!

“Your circles are gone all right, Perry, but ...”

“Yes?”

"They’re replaced by enough Medium Pink with Essence of Jew for an attic full of raccoons!”

So maybe I do have 67 year old Rocky Raccoon eyes, and maybe  there’s only so much that cover-up can do. Despite Greta's best efforts.

But my eyelashes?

God bless ‘em!  At least they’re still 32.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Saturday, November 18, 2017

Park, He Said

 
Nothing like a Self-Parking Car!

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials on television about cars that park themselves.

Which is amazing considering that I can barely park a car at all.

I've been known to be unable to successfully pull into a spot just vacated by Godzilla. In moving back and forth within a parking spot to try to park in a manner so I don’t need to take an Uber to the curb, I frequently hit another car. 

Not a car in front of or behind me, but across the street.

So, enthusiastic about the new self-parking vehicles I’d seen so much about, I went to Kropotkin Motors and was greeted by a very smiley dude named Guy Greenleaf.

“Mr. Greenleaf, I’d to check out your self-parking cars," I said. “You see, my parallel parking is so bad I refer to it as perpendicular parking.”

“Self-parking cars should be perfect for you, then, Mr. Block.  They can greatly benefit people with lousy motor skills and terrible depth perception who are well along in years such as yourself."

I guess when a car is in demand polite sales technique is not.

“Now, Mr. Block,’ Mr. Greenleaf said “it’s important that you get into one of our special cars and do some parking so we may take extensive data of you pathetic parking techniques.”

“I see. You want to understand all the parameters of my substandard parking skills so that you may best correct them.”

“No, not exactly.”

“What then?”

“We want to understand all the parameters of your substandard parking skills so we can best duplicate them.”

“What?!”

“The technology doesn’t enable the car to park better than you, Mr. Block. All it can do is imitate you! If you can’t successfully park within a berth for the QE2, neither can the car!”

“But what good is that?!”

“You don’t have to expend effort to park. And when the car does a shitty park job, everyone around will think the car is an idiot, not you!”

“That is something after all.”

“And sometimes the car will park itself pretty well. Just like you do … once in a  while even a loser like you lucks out.”

“How about that?  Know what, Guy?  I may want to check out a self-driving car too.”

“Sorry, Mr. Block, not going to happen.”

“Why?”

“Warren Buffett couldn’t afford the insurance” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, November 11, 2017

If Bruce Wayne Lost All His Money

 I want a piece of pie!
   I'm good for it!  I'm Batman, damn it! 



Hi! I'm your Uber Driver."

"Thank goodness, and not a moment too soon!"

"Say, nice Batman costume."

"It ought to be. I'm Batman!"

"No kiddin'! Where's your Batmobile." 

"It's ... um ... in the shop. That's it, it's in the shop! Carburetor trouble, very tricky to fix." 

"Really? Okay, where to?"

"Gotham City Town Square. The Joker is throwing bombs into the square from the Kropotkin Building!"

"Here we are, Batman!

"Thanks. I’ll give you a good review.”

“I’ll give you one too, Dude.”

“Commissioner Gordon, I’m here."

"Batman! Why are you in an Uber? Where's the Batmobile?"

"I'll be honest with you, Commissioner.  It was repossessed."

"Repossessed! Why?"

"I've had some financial reverses lately. Started with Bernie Madoff and Enron. Lately I invested in Trump University."

"In this booming economy? Only other person I know dumb enough to lose all his money these days is Bruce Wayne. That idiot!"

"Yeah …. what a dunderhead!"

“Batman, the Joker's on the 7th floor. Shoot one of your batarangs and zoom up high and take him down."

"Uh, I have a better idea. You cup your hands together, I'll step in them, and you fling me up."

"We're doing alley oop?"

"Yeah. You see, my batarangs were sold at auction.”   

"Then you'd better take the stairs."

“Okay, it’s only 7 floors. No problem for me.”

“God bless you, Batman!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“OMG! I’m only at the  third floor. I feel sick! I think I’m going to throw up!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Batman! You’re here at the 7th floor! And you’re breathing like a race horse after the Kentucky Derby!”

“Never you mind, Joker … Heeeee! ... I’m taking you down … Hoooo! ... Do you mind waiting 15 minutes or so until I can do that?”

“I guess not. I’ll read the news on my phone until you’re ready.”

“Freeze, Joker!  Great work, Batman, holding off the Joker until we could get here!”

“Yeah ... uh ... just as I planned it, Commissioner! Got any Dramamine on you?”

“No, Batman, but there’s a Rite Aid a couple of blocks from here.”

“I see. Um … do you think I could borrow some money?”

“Sure, Batman, here’s a ten spot.”

“And … uh … do you mind giving me a lift?”

“Where to?”

“The Dairy Queen at Fourth and Cowan Street.”

“Sure, but why? You want ice cream?”

“No. I've got the 10:00 P.M. to 2:00 A.M. shift. I’m in charge of jimmies.”

“I wonder if you could get Bruce Wayne a job there too?”

“I’m afraid he’s already working there, Commissioner.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Friday, November 10, 2017

And Now, Once Again, Sixty is Not the New 40

(But it ain't)

Sixty is the New 40 - I've written about this subject a number of times before, and though I'd love to believe it's true, it ain't.

Here's 30 more quick reasons that Sixty is Not the New 40:

1) Somebody who is 40 thinks the Low Spark of High Heeled Boys is about those little kids' sneakers that light up in the back.

2) Somebody who is 40 never worries about anybody ever referring to them as “40 years young.”
3) Somebody who is 40 has never heard the phrase “That’s two down, eight to go, Mr. Cerf.”
4) Check out the response you get when you sing Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh” by Allan Sherman to Somebody who is 40.
5) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Crazy Guggenheim. 
6) When Somebody who is 40 runs into an old friend, they never hear the words “Your liver still on the fritz?"

7) “Welcome to our Show for Hunt’s Catsup!” Think Somebody who is 40 has the slightest idea where that phrase comes from, let alone that "ketchup" was ever called “catsup."
8) Somebody who is 40 thinks Winky Dink is another cutesy name for you know
what!
9) Unlike Somebody who is 60, Somebody who is 40 has no idea why the Doors sing "Stronger than Dirtat the end of "Touch Me"


10) Somebody who is 40 has no idea what this means:
Jane Kean!
Sheila MacRae!!
ARRRRT CARNEEEE!!!
GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!!!!


But you do.
11) Somebody who is 40 would have no way of knowing that “Kukla, Fran, and Ollie” is not a law firm.
12)Somebody who is 40 may have learned to draw when they were young but they did not learn to draw  with Jon Gnagy.
 13)  When someone mentions the word "turkey" and it isn't Thanksgiving, Somebody who is 40 does not begin rapidly hitting the bottom of his neck with the back of his hand.
14) Somebody who is 40 grew up with the word "hydrated."

15) Unlike Somebody who is 40, Somebody who is 60 never blinked an eye when they heard the lyrics in the theme to Green Acres "You are my wife!" "Goodbye City Life!" as Eddie Albert yanked Eva Gabor to the country life totally against her will. 

16) Somebody who is 40 thinks 
J. Fred Muggs was Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 1957.
17) Somebody who is 40 has never said "I'm letting my freak flag fly." 
18) You think that Somebody who is 40 who likes you likes you because you're a cool guy, when in actuality Somebody who is 40 who likes you likes you because you remind him of his dad.
20) Who the hell is that young person hosting SNL this week?

21) When Somebody who is 40 is wholly unable to establish rapport with the hot twenty-ish waitress where he's having lunch, it is of course depressing but it isn't the end of the world!
22) Until quite recently Somebody who is 60 thought the word “selfie” referred to what they’ve pretty much been doing all their life.

23) Remember Sandler and Young?  Somebody who is 40 thinks they're a contracting firm.

24)  Somebody who is 40 probably thinks that Jack Paar, with a name like that, must have been even better than Arnold Palmer.

25)  Being that Carol Channing is a woman and Tatum O’Neal is a woman, Somebody who is 60 in all likelihood thinks Channing Tatum is a woman.

26) Somebody who is 40 does not meet people who look like Wilford Brimley and think “Jesus, I hope I don’t look that bad.”

27). Somebody who is 40 would have no way of distinguishing between Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smith.
28). Somebody who is 40 is not at all amused by this list.  Somebody who is 40 is amused by the list “30 Reasons 40 is Not the New 20,” if indeed such a list even exists.

29) "I'd rather fight that switch" - okay, Somebody who is 40, for what product was this the slogan?  Tell 'em, Somebody who is 60!
30). Somebody who is 60 is old enough to be the boyhood idol of Somebody who is 40, even though it goes without saying you are nobody’s boyhood idol!



If you had rollicking  fun with this list, you really have to find a better concept of of "rollicking fun."  But if somehow you did rollick, you will find many more of these "Sixty is Not the New 40-isms" in my upcoming book "Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly  Cute."

Watch for it in early 2018! Watching is good, but buying is even better. You could do both! 

It'll make you feel like you're 40 all over again!*  

*(Void where prohibited and impossible.)

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute