Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Sylvan Three Times Over (FF)

© Dee Lovering

Farnum wasn't much of a writer but he loved to write stories about a young man named Sylvan and the Christmases Sylvan enjoyed from years gone by.

Farnum himself was a rather minor character in a book written by a novelist named Giorgio.  Giorgio for his sake had been created by Cinnamon Klein, a New York City pulp fiction writer and amateur detective.

"And so ends another Cinnamon Klein Mystery,” I typed, closing
the laptop.

The phone rang.  "Yes, who is it?"

"Merry Christmas, Perry!  This is Sylvan."

“Sylvan?  But you're fictional!  You're fictional three times over!" 

"Well, I guess Farnum is a lot better writer than you, Cinnamon, or Giorgio ever gave him credit for, isn't he?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be honest, I really can't figure out this goofy post came out of a Christmas prompt. I think the circular nature of the building got me thinking about layers of stories and how many "levels" away from the author a character in a story within a story might be.

To review:  Farnum created Sylvan, Giorgio created Farnum, Cinnamon Klein created Giorgio, I created Cinnamon Klein, and Russell created me.  There you have it.  And if you click here, you'll also have the takes of the other Friday Fictioneers on the picture prompt above, created just for you.

And should any of you happen to see Cinnamon Klein, please tell I created her, it's not fair she won't return my calls!

Monday, July 20, 2015

Trumped Again!

       
       No matter how outrageous the statements he makes, Donald Trump continues to rise in the polls.  Why? Many voters seem to like the concept of a candidate who speaks his mind, however idiotic, rather than speaking in precise sound bites that say nothing.

So if its working for him, I thought maybe.... just maybe .... it might work for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Hello, young lady, I'm very pleased to meet you."

"Well, uh, hello."

"My name is Perry Block and I'm running ...."

"You're running?  For President?  For political office?"

"No.  I'm running for your body. That is, I'm running to be your pick-up tonight."

"That's ridiculous! I don't know you!  Why would I be your pick-up?”

"Unlike the phony baloney John McCain, I'm a hero!"

"You fought in the Vietnam war?"

"No  ... er ... I had a deferment.  I had flat feet, a high draft number, I’m afraid of bugs.”

"Then how are you a hero?"

"Ever hear of EA Sports NHL 2004? Ha, I scored a hat trick once to win a game, although my opponent did have to leave after the first period to do homework."

"But Senator McCain was in a prison camp for five years!" 

"I was in the penalty box for two minutes."

"I've had enough.  Stop forcing yourself on me, mister!" 

"Wait!  I would never force myself on you, unlike those illegal Mexicans would!"

"You're slandering a whole group of people?"

"No, no! I'm only slandering those Mexicans who are Bill Cosby fans."

"Goodbye, jerk!"

"But you misunderstand me!  After all, I'm a 100% true blue American born right here in the USA, unlike our president who is a foreigner."

"Are you going to start that old myth again?" 
"It's not a myth at all.  I've had my people investigating the situation and it turns out Mr. Obama was born in Kentucky!"

"Kentucky is in the United States."

"Oh.  Maybe that's Kansas.  Yeah, I think its Kansas."

"I'm outta here, loser!"  

"Wait, wait! We haven't discussed transsexuals yet!  Let me show you how I beat China!

“Not interested.”

“I once stiffed a waiter in a Chinese restaurant and I’d ordered off the a la carte..."

Trumped Again!
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where did I fail?  What did I do wrong?  I said ridiculously stupid things in a condescending and ignorant manner, and it didn't work.

Maybe I need a lousier toupee....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The Attack (FF)


"It's been a wonderful time here exploring this strange but beautiful land," said Sporka, sipping the last vestiges of a cup of tea as he sat in the courtyard cafe.

"I've loved it too," replied Manus. "But our mission is now over, and soon the Attack will begin."

"Is there no way to stop it, Manus?  I don't want an Attack!" 

"I’ve tried to find a way, Sporka, but it is as if decreed. The Attack will happen!"

"And as always," muttered Sporka, "there will be untold pain and suffering.” 

Manus paid the café bill and Sporka and Manus beamed up to their hotel room, Sporka beaming right into the bathroom.

"OOOHHH!” he moaned.  “Always whenever I travel to Earth!" 

“The Attack has begun," sighed Manus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one is so cheap and exploitative even I feel like hiding in the bathroom. Nevertheless this is my crude and tasteless response to this week's lovely picture prompt above from ace Friday Fictioneer Sandra Crook.

You won't be moaning and groaning like Sporka if you check out the work of the other Fictioneers by clicking here; in fact, you'll be oohing and aahing!

And now, if you'll pardon me, I'm off to signal my masters on Pluto to begin the Attack.
  

Monday, July 13, 2015

Help! I'm Being Stalked By Joseph R. Blank


Online Advertising?  I wonder what that's all about.
Hey, nice suit!

It was plain as the nose on my face, which by all accounts is way more than exceedingly plain. My navy blue sport coat which I'd owned for many years had developed a moth hole in the left shoulder of such magnitude it seemed as if the moth had seized upon the sport coat first thing following sundown on Yom Kippur.

Yep, my sports jacket needed replacement, and so I looked online to the site of a well-known and respected men's clothing store in my area known as Joseph R. Blank.  And indeed, Joseph R. Blank was having a sale on sport coats, with selected jackets as low as $50 as long as you also bought a matching pair of suspenders with special design resembling humpback whales copulating.

I went to Joseph R. Blank that very day and did secure a nice blue sport coat which fit me well and even complimented the nose on my face. Mission one and done.  I thought.

Later that day I went on Facebook, and there in the right hand column was an ad for Joseph R. Blank.  "What a coincidence,” I thought.  

"NECKTIE SALE AT JOSEPH R. BLANK!  Three neckties for $10 provided one is striped, one has a stain, and the third frankly doesn't suit you!" 

Amazing!  Oh, well, I wanted to check something on Wikipedia, and so I clicked out of Facebook and over to the America's favorite free encyclopedia.

"And so, Hitler marched into the Sudetenland and there he found ...."

"70% OFF SALE AT JOSEPH R. BLANK!   Suits, Sport Coats, Pants, Shirts, Any Other Article of Clothing that Might Yet be Invented!"  

What the ....?!! 

I clicked over to a site called "Who Unfollowed Me On Twitter," which shows you what crass & unfeeling tweeps have cut you loose lately.  There I discovered that, unlike the twitterers listed on the site, apparently following me for life was .... 

"JOSEPH R. BLANK! SALE ON SUITS!  Buy one men's suit for regular price, get another for only one pint of blood!"  

In the days and weeks that followed, Joseph R. Blank followed me like Mary's Little Lamb.  It was no coincidence:  I was being targeted, stalked. Who was this Joseph R. Blank?  What did he really know about me?

"Dear Overage Balding Boomer," the email began." While there's only so much that clothing can do for the likes of you, THERE'S A SALE ON SOCKS AT JOSEPH R. BLANK!" 

Now the Joseph R. Blank ads appeared anywhere and everywhere.  On YouTube, on my desktop, on my screensaver, in pornography, in the sky above, in my breakfast cereal, on the faces of people on the street, in my fitful tortured dreams!

“WAKE UP, PERRY! JOSEPH R. BLANK is having a sale on polo shirts! Buy three polo shirts and get a free polo pony!

The internet has majorly changed marketing as we know it. It used to be we could turn off television commercials and/or decline to read the ads in newspapers and magazines, but now advertising tracks us down like Colombo. The only hope is that this strategy will ultimately backfire, advertisers will get the message, and finally we'll get some relief.

I hope you're listening, Joseph R. Blank! 

Or better yet I'll tell you in person this afternoon.  Those copulating whale suspenders ads on Craigslist are really starting to appeal to me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(The name of the actual establishment referenced in the piece above has been slightly changed to protect the guilty.) 

And I'd like to welcome four new followers to the blog: Eve Gaal @EveGaal, Kate Konigisor @KateKonigisor, Deb Stewart @DeborahStewart, and Ilil Arbell @ILILARBELThank You, Guys! The usual riches and emoluments to follow.