An Interview with Matthew Mordant, the Warden of Alligator Alcatraz

 

As we all know, Trump has established Alligator Alcatraz, an all-new super maximum security prison nestled deep in the heart of the Florida Everglades. 

It's been designed to incarcerate only the the most craven criminal illegal immigrants, namely those caught jaywalking, running red lights, and ripping the labels off the bottom of mattresses.

I spoke with Warden Matthew Mordant, the newly installed warden of Alligator Alcatraz. He's been toughened up for this job by being force fed movies starring Nicholas Cage for 48 straight hours.   

"This is where we dump a ton of the worst offenders," he said with great pride as he demonstrated one of the facility's holding cells. "It's 4 feet by 8 feet with one toilet that's like an open sewer and air so stagnant pea soup desperately envies it.  We got 475 prisoners stacked up in there"

"My God," I gasped, "what did these pathetic wretches do to deserve this?"

"They're the worst of the worst! They ran yellow lights!"

"But don't get me wrong," he added. "We do treat them very humanely."

"How so?"

"Every Friday night there's a pornographic movie starring Kristi Noem,"

"And the food here?"  I asked

"Food?"

Next he took me to a individual cell where one poor wretch was being held in solitary confinement.

"What did this guy do?" I asked.

"He had the brazen audacity to go to medical school while applying for asylum."

"He's a doctor?!'

"Yes, and he's been practicing medicine for over 40 years.  He had practices in several rural underprivileged communities where there was no other doctor and later became a respected Professor of Medicine and an esteemed researcher whose pioneering research has led to cures for several deadly diseases and for which he won the Nobel Prize. Oh, also he has volunteered in both Gaza and Ukraine."

"And what will happen to him?"

"We're going to deport his ass to El Salvador!" 

I decided I also wanted to speak with a representative of the alligators surrounding the facility and was fortunate to secure a meeting with Fred J. "Snappy"  Morgenstern, the scaly and ridiculously toothy president of the Amalgamated Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Everglades Alligators.

"We hate this job guarding the offensively named named Allegator Alcatraz," he snorted. "We didn't ask for this; I totally get how the National Guard and the Marines must have felt in Los Angeles!

We're more than content eating the local wildlife and have no interest whatsoever chowing down on totally innocent human beings. But ICE agents ---yummy! We'd  love feasting on them!

Oh, BTW,  before you leave would you mind letting me bite off your arm?"

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The Day The Coffee Stood Still or The Day Coffee Mysteriously Vanished From The Face of The Earth

No one knew why.  Perhaps it was some bizarre inter-galactic event. 

Or maybe it had something to do with the Deity espying the revolting nuptials of Jeff Bezos and Whatever the Hell Her Name Is and reacting with violent cosmic rage and vengefulness upon the entire planet.

Or perhaps it was the scheduling at Bryn Mawr Film Institute of a Ben Affleck Film Festival. 

Whatever it was, one morning in late June there was no longer any coffee anywhere in the entire world. 

It was The Day the Coffee Stood Still.

I woke up that day just as I normally do in the years of my retirement.

"Okay, it's 6:10 AM," I thought.  Either (1) Get up now and have a productive day, or (2) Go back to sleep and waste half the morning.

At 11: 27 I got out of bed and tumbled down the stairs to the kitchen.

Oddly enough there didn't seem to be any coffee in the cupboard.  And none in the pantry either since I don't live in England and don't have any idea why I just used the word "cupboard." 

"Yesterday there was a 12 ounce bag of Cafe Verona here," I thought. Where was it now?  Had it literally gone to Verona?

Just then I got a call from my friend Farbman.

"Perry," he screamed, "There's no coffee here in our office or anywhere! Today I don't even care that nobody has washed the office coffee pot since 2017, I've been reduced to drinking tea, and since I don't live in England I hate that fucking bagged leafy shit!"

I switched on CNN.

"There appears to be no coffee remaining on Earth and Trump says it is all Biden's fault," Wolf Blitzer was saying.  He was speaking in the most animated manner he  is capable of ever since they bumped him to mornings and paired him with the eminently more picturesque Pamela Brown.

I left the house to hopefully scare up some badly needed java.

Out on the street it was like Night of the Living Dead, except the sun was out. Haggard and disheveled folks were wandering everywhere about, and a few stumbled up to me:

"Buddy, I got a kilo of great coke if you can get me some joe!"

"Dude, I will perform any bizarre contortionist sex act you want for even a droplet of coffee!" said another.  "And from the looks of you, you need that bizarre contortionist sex act even more than I need coffee."

"Please deport me, I beg you, sir! Maybe there's coffee in El Salvador."

Now I was feeling desperate! To Starbucks in search of some precious percolated beans!

"Should I leave space for milk or cream in your thin air?" said a  hapless barista to a hapless patron.

"Here, just take any of our dry vastly overpriced pastries!" cried another. "Take them all!!!"

"You ... um ...have a great day!" offered another barista to a departing customer, apparently her normal farewell to store patrons. "No, I'm sorry, please don't strangle me for having said that!"

Jittery as hell now for lack of hot liquid essence, I ran to Whole Foods hoping the Deity had not reacted with violent cosmic rage and vengefulness upon the touchy-feely foodery after espying the revolting nuptials between Jeff Bezos and Whatever the Hell Her Name Is. 

The place was wringed with an angry mob facing off against the National Guard, and a massive contingent of Marines.

"Is Trump sending ICE agents here?" I asked a burly guy nearby .

"Nah, those fuckers are guarding the tea!" he cried out. "We all despise tea because we don't live in England but what ya gonna do? We're storming the damn place to liberate every last teabag of Sleepy Time and Orange Pekoe!" And he barreled forward along with the entire angry throng.

"I guess in this case," I thought, "Pete Hegseth has done the right thing." 

Fairly well jumping out of my skin now I staggered home and leaped into bed hoping to erase the  many horrors of the day. Fortunately I quickly fell into my first wet dream in many years  in which I was performing a bizarre contortionist sex act with a sack of Mrs. Folgers' Finest.

The next day, as mysteriously as it had vanished, coffee returned. 

There was a collective audible sigh of relief that could be heard in deep space. And there it was, the 12 ounce bag of Cafe Verona back from Verona and restored to my pantry. 

Or cupboard, if you please. 

But who cares what you or I might call it?

The Day the Coffee Stood Still had ended.

         

     
                      

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Your Primo Primer for Product Labeling

Poor guy!  He needs our Primo Primer for Product Labeling below.

Going to the store?  Confused by product labeling? 

You needn't be.  Here's everything you need to know translated into plain English for you and me:

• Made under the Strict Supervision of the Union of Orthodox Rabbis 

• Made under the Blase Supervision of the Union of Extremely Lax Rabbis 

• Made under the Strict Supervision of the Union of Rabbis So Orthodox They Are Judging You Right Now

• No Sugar Added

• Some Sugar Added Because Without It This Would Taste Pretty Much Like Stale Cardboard 

•  A Sugar Cane in Every Bite

• A Taste The Whole Family Will Love, But Not Your Family

• A Taste of Italy!

• A Taste of France!

• A Taste of the Next Random Country Eva Longoria Will Pretend to Know Something About!

 

• Orange Juice, No Pulp

• Orange Juice, Some Pulp

• Orange Juice,  Lotsa Pulp 

• Just Eat an Orange, Asshole

• Best if Used Before June 15 

• Bleh if Used On or About June 15  

• BLAAAHHH! If Used After June 15 

• Not a Low Calorie Product

• Not a Low Calorie Product, So Sit-Ups?   

• Not a Low Calorie Product, So Ozempic? 

• Picture of  Cereal Enlarged for Clarity

• Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity And Also Air Brushed to Look More  Appetizing

• Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity So Please Ignore Now Clearly Visible Insects

• Keep Out of Reach of Children 

• Keep Out of Reach of Children and Adults  

• Keep Out of Reach of Children, Adults, Jews, Gentiles, Dogs, Cats, Mormons, Rosicrucians, Seventh Day Adventists, and Anyone and Everyone All At Once. Except Republicans. 

 

• Now: New and Improved!

• Now: Even More NEW AND IMPROVED!

• Now: WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT KIND OF CRAP WERE WE TRYING TO HAND YOU ALL ALONG?

• Olive Oil, Virgin

• Olive Oil, Extra Virgin

• Olive Oil, Story of Perry's Life

• Plastic Bags (unopenable)

• Plastic Bags, (fully unopenable)

• Plastic Bags, (hand us five bucks, we'll open one for you)

• This is not the face a guy makes when opening a box of Ritz Crackers.  This is the face a guy makes when Scarlett Johansson knocks at his front door and announces "I've just left Colin Jost and I WANT YOU NOW!" 

• But you and me, we gonna hafta settle for the box of crackers.

•      From Our Growers Direct to Your Table. So Was it Asking Too Much that Someone Somewhere Along the Way Would Have Rinsed Them Off?

• A Full Day's Supply of Vitamin C

• A  Full Day and a Half's Supply of Vitamin C

• Enough Vitamin C to Cover You and All Your Progeny

• Product of Guatemala

• Product of Honduras

• Sorry, all products from Guatemala and Honduras Have Been Deported by Trump

• Shake Vigorously Before Using, 

• Shake Vigorously Before Using, We Mean the Product, Not You

• Shake Vigorously, the Product and You If You Feel Like Twerking

• Trusted Since 1947

• Trusted Between 1947 to 1963

• Trusted for a Couple of Months During the Bush Administration

• No High Fructose Corn Syrup

• Some High Fructose Corn Syrup

• Just call us Freddy Fructose!

• No Artificial Flavors or Coloring

• No Artificial Flavors, Coloring, Hair, or Teeth

• As Artificial as Kristi Noem's Face

• Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +, Like You

• Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +, Like you: Yeah, We Mean You!

• Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +  Like You: Yeah We Mean You, Who Are You Kidding, You Look Every Day of It!

• Clinically Proven

• Clinically Proven, But At What Clinic You May Ask

• Clinically Proven, But By Research Scientists Personally Selected by RFK Jr. 

•   To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com 

•   To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com, But Don't Bother, It's All Lies Anyway 


• To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com. But Like You Actually Give a Shit!

  

And so on and so on!

Maybe next time we'll tell you what all these labels really mean.

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Rabbi Debbie King Explains Her Whole New Branch of Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh," and Why It May Be For You

 

Rabbi Debbie King is perhaps the last person you'd expect to devise a whole new branch of Judaism. 

She's the first rabbi ever to provide multiple choice answers to the Four Questions, which she thereupon grades on the curve with even two correct answers deemed sufficient to pass. 

Nevertheless her new branch of Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh" has elicited a large amount of interest among liberal American Jews but not so much among the AIPAC crowd, which is otherwise too busy subverting the basic tenets of Judaism to pay it much mind.

I had the privilege of recently interviewing Rabbi King in a desperate attempt to class up the "Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" blog which for over 15 years has  provided mostly schlock humor to an audience of practically no one.

"It is my firm belief that God doesn't want us to always be kissing his ass," said Rabbi Debbie. "Actually what he wants is for us to give it a good swift kick." 

"So we don't get into praising God unless we feel he truly deserves it," she said.  "And his recent performance considering the re-emergence of Trump, the general state of world affairs, and those Liberty Mutual commercials with the emu is hardly praiseworthy."

"Quite frankly, we treat the Supreme Ruler of the Universe like Jerry Seinfeld treated Newman until he further earns our respect."

I asked Rabbi Debbie to briefly describe how "Hello Yahweh" services are conducted.

"We begin each service with a special greeting for the divinity,"  explained the Rabbi. "The Congregation in unison chants: 

"Hello, Yahweh," 

just like Jerry Seinfeld says to Newman. And  God responds: 

"Hello, Jewry!" 

"He doesn't actually say this," quickly added the Rabbi, "or we'd all get a shrek! It's just in the liturgy. The point is we're holding Hashem accountable; when he acts like a schlub, we treat him like Newman. If he does better, more like George and so forth."

"I notice you use the pronoun he," I asked Rabbi Debbie. "Does God have a gender?"

"Of course not," she replied. "We just use he as a convenience. God  is as gender fluid as comedian Eddie Izzard, but without the garish fingernail polish." 

And what if there is no God?

"Obviously a distinct possibility," she answered, "as the universe has been here for over 15 billion years and Judaism for only about 4,000.  But maybe, just maybe, he likes to sleep late."

"But so what? We've brought Jews and other friends and allies together to discuss the state of the country and the world - and our own lives - and how we all can strive to do better with whatever we do. Even if there's nobody steering the ship but us."

Can't argue with that.

And then Rabbi Debbie recited the call to prayer, which is at the center of "Hello, Yahweh," the newest branch of Judaism. 

"Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One Tough Son of a Bitch!" 

Can't argue with that either.

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