Friday, September 12, 2014

You Can't Go Home Again or It's Always Smokey in Philadelphia

"By the way," I was telling my son Brandon over the phone yesterday, "Philadelphia is about to decriminalize marijuana. Gonna just be a fine.

Brandon goes to college in nearby Baltimore.

"Wow, Dad, that's terrific!"  he said.

"Well,  yes, it's a good thing," I replied in measured tones.  "Years ago, I might have been very pleased, but in this day and age ..."

"You know, Dad," said Brandon,  "I've been thinking of coming home for a visit soon."

"Oh, no, no, there's no need for that!  You ... uh ...  have your classes and homework to attend to."

"Sure, but I've got all that pretty much under control.  I'd like to come see you."

"I look exactly the same.  A month or two older."

"Yes, but I miss everybody in Philadelphia.  I have a lot of friends in college there I'd like to visit."

"They're all busy!  Many of them have moved.  I'm afraid, Brandon,  some don't even like you anymore."

"Hey, Dad, what's this all about?  You think I want to come home to do drugs?"

"Of course not!   It's just that your life is in Baltimore now.  Baltimore Maryland.  Where nothing's decriminalized."

"You've told me you did more than your share of weed back in the day." 

"You don't want to turn out like me!"

"Come on, Dad, you have your flaws, but you didn't turn out all that bad."

"Are you kidding?  I have demons!  DEMONS!"  

"Well, I'll certainly come home for the Jewish holidays."

"Umm,  I forgot to tell you.  I'm converting.  Love that Jesus!"

"What about Thanksgiving?"

"I'd hold off 'til Christmas. Maybe President's Day."  

"May I ever come home, Dad?"


"When's that?"

"Whenever they decriminalize marijuana in Baltimore!"


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Mirror Sprite

Janet Webb copyright

Every mirror, it seems, is inhabited by a tiny sprite who operates the mirror.  Without the mirror sprite, there's no image to behold, only vacant glass.

Each mirror is a little different from all the others.  Some make you look thinner and some heavier.  Some show objects with a reddish caste, others show more blue, and still others favor shadows.  

It's all at the behest of the mirror sprite who resides within.

I got me a second-hand mirror at an antiques store in Philadelphia. It reflected the image of my bathroom, all pinks and flowers and lace and happiness.

I live over a garage in the seediest part of town.  I thanked the mirror sprite for my new room, though I've never seen him, and never will.


Went a little serious for some reason this week in my Friday Fictioneers entry, probably because my humor writing has been about as funny of late as a colonoscopy performed by a deranged proctologist.  Hope I haven't freaked anybody out with this.  

You can go to the mirror, boy, to see what the other Fictioneers have done with the prompt by clicking right here.

Meanwhile I'm still looking for that mirror sprite.  Frankly I really don't like pink all that much!

Your Ray Rice News Network

Let's look at it once more, Ladies & Gentleman, but this time Ray
 and Janay will be dressed as Shriners!

This is CNN - Your Ray Rice News Network

Hello, this is Erin Burnett and this is CNN. 

We're delighted to announce that effective immediately and for the forseeable future CNN is going to ALL RAY RICE/ALL THE TIME COVERAGE!  

Consider CNN your one-stop shop for all the news about Mr. Rice and the fabled pummeling and dragging of his comatose soon-to-be wife Janay Palmer out of an elevator at the Revel Casino in Atlantic City. If it's about Ray Rice, it will be here, it will be up-to-the minute, and it will be sensationalized as much as humanly possible!

Our  pledge to you: there will never be any annoying interference with our 24/7 Ray Rice coverage by other news, even if it's important.  You can count on it! 

Wolf Blitzer! 

Thank you, Erin. 

With CNN's new ALL RAY RICE/ALL THE TIME COVERAGE!,  you'll get more than just surface headlines about Ray Rice.  You get 3-D enhanced versions of the pummeling and dragging elevator videos presented from a wide variety of angles including that of a rodent who might be lurking about the ceiling of the elevator! 

You'll also experience the elevator videos as reenacted by an  array of Hollywood's most talented actors and also by Hollywood's most untalented actors,  including Nicholas Cage and Hayden Christiansen from the unnecessary fifth and sixth Stars Wars movies.

And we'll examine the  Ray Rice videos against videos of people in elevators who are not pummeling or dragging anyone, with insightful analysis as to the differences between them by our own legal expert Jeffrey Toobin.

Brooke Baldwin!

Thank you, Wolf!

And now you can order Ray Rice products and memorabilia, direct from CNN!

Here's the official "I survived the Elevator at Revel Casino" Ray Rice Sweatshirt in gray, blue, and blood red, refrigerator magnets with the words "Not stickin' with Rice," and the Ray Rice and Janay Palmer Rock'em Sock'em Robots!

CNN operators are standing by. 

To you, Anderson Cooper!

Thank you, Brooke!

CNN has long been recognized  --- over the past day and a half --- for the best coverage anywhere of the Ray Rice saga.

And we will continue in that proud tradition by providing you with insightful opinion and commentary into the motivations behind Ray Rice's pummeling and dragging presented by our panel of distinguished experts: the minimally qualified Dr. Phil McGraw, opportunistic weasel Dr.Drew Pinsky, and of course,  Oprah.


Trust us, nothing else is really happening in the world until we tell you it is!

This is CNN - Your Ray Rice News Network


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Fahrenheit 451 Again & Again

Montag was aghast!   All his books were to be burned. 

"Please, Captain, no!  Don't destroy my books!"  

"Is this your favorite book?" sneered the Captain. "It's got to be burned with all the others!"

Montag lunged at the Captain to grab the book, but the Captain snatched it away and flung it on the fire!

"Curse you!" cried Montag.  All that he had loved, all that he prized, all that had ever warmed his soul was now a mass of flaming cinders. 

"But why, Captain?  Why?!!"

"Montag, you know burned books are better for barbecue than charcoal briquettes."

"But my favorite book!"

"It's just The Jennifer Lawrence Nudie Collection.  It's all over the Internet anyway."


This is my third parody of Fahrenheit 451, which means two things:  (1) this is a heckuva good novel to parody, and (2) I better read some more novels. My favorite of the three parodies is here, the other one is here.  I wouldn't waste my time with either.

While there may not be quite 451 Friday Fictioneers yet, there are plenty of Fictioneers offering takes on the above picture prompt if you click here. I'd recommend you do it.

Oh, no, now they want to burn this post!    Pretty good idea, I'd say.