The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, Battles the Evil Count Stephen of Miller

 

Suddenly there was a loud scream right outside my living room window and a darkened shape barreled through it, crashed into my coffee table, and came to rest splayed out flat onto my well-worn den carpet.

"I can't believe it," I said, "you're still an incredible klutz!" .

"Guess I can't fly all that well as a vampire bat anymore," replied my unexpected guest.

"I don't recall that you ever could," I laughed. 

Yep, it was my friend the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, whom I hadn't seen in many years.  We had become friendly years ago after he gave up trying to frighten me in an era in which there were so many vampire movies and TV shows that I found Tracy Morgan to be scarier than he was, but of course nowhere near as funny.

"Perry," said Vlad, "I came as soon as I heard that your country had elected that moron again. How did it happen?"

"Oh, the Democrats blew it."

"What else is new?  But there is a truly evil presence in this Administration, one that poses a grave - no pun intended - threat to your nation and to humanity."

"I know who you mean," I muttered.

"None other than my old nemesis," said Vlad in hushed tones, "Count Stephen of Miller!"

"You know, there's a rumor going around that he's not actually a vampire."

"Hah, some people will believe anything!"

"But what can we do?"

"We're going to Washington!" said Vlad, morphing himself back into a vampire bat but not without knocking clean over the coffee table.

"But how will I get there, Vlad?"

"Take a plane, buddy," said Vlad, "but by all that's unholy don't fly out of Newark!" 

The next day we entered the office of Count Stephen of Miller, Vlad having used his vampiric powers to put Trump's security detail into a dreamland of orange skin, bloated flesh, and a face that only a mother could love, but not that person's mother.

"So we meet again, Count Stephen of Miller, " snorted Vlad. 

"Vlad the Retailer! Damn, I was just about to kick an orphan and then you show up."

"I might have known you'd find a job with Trump," said Vlad. "What, Satan wasn't hiring?"

"Scoff if you will, Vlad," hissed Count Stephen. "I am ruining the lives of hard-working immigrants, destroying Medicaid, and overseeing a major measles outbreak thanks to that useful idiot, Robert F. Kennedy Jr."

"I see you are still giving vampires a bad name, Stephen,"  said Vlad.

"And that's saying something," I interjected, "since vampires suck the blood and very life out of humans."

Vlad shot me a look.

"But point well taken, Vlad."  

"I aim to stop you," shouted Vlad, brandishing a large hypodermic needle.

"You know l don't believe in vaccines," snarled Stephen.

"You'll believe in this one," Vlad shot back. "It contains concentrated wolfbane with a dash of Star of David!" 

With that Vlad leaped at Count Stephen and managed to jab  the needle into Stephen's thigh, and the sinister Stephen of Miller fell to the ground.

"Did you just kill an immortal vampire?" I asked Vlad.

"No, it will only stun him for a while," Vlad said ruefully, "but at least he'll know that whenever Trump is out of power, we'll be ready for him." 

Yep," said I, "notwithstanding Trump Insurrection 2.0."

Now some people may ask: How can I be friendly with Vlad the Retailer?

Sure, Vlad is one of the Walking Undead, and I wouldn’t want to be too close to him after sundown on Yom Kippur.

But for a blood-sucking creature of the night, turns out he's a mensch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But Don't You Have a Phone?

 

                        A Comedy Sketch for Modern Times. Whether or not                                                  it's funny is wholly another matter. 

                        Cast

                             Matt – middle-aged man reading a book on a train

                             Bobby – younger man, early 30s, a passenger on the train

                             Amber – a bit younger woman, mid 20s, also on the train

 

                        Scene – an Amtrak train, headed maybe to Philadelphia

                        

                       The Time - slightly in the future

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                             BOBBY

        Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

 

MATT

        Yes?

                                          BOBBY

        I don't mean to be pushy or anything like that but                                               don't you have a  phone?

                                            MATT

         Yes, of course I do.

BOBBY

But you're not reading anything on your phone.

                                            MATT

          Oh, I'm reading a book. It's The Great Gatsby by                                               F. Scott  Fitzgerald.

                                           BOBBY

          I remember.   I read that in high school 

MATT

        The Great Gatsby?

 

BOBBY 

        No, a book.

 

MATT

        Here, would you like to hold it?

BOBBY

                I don't know. Is it safe? Do we need to put in a Password? 

Does the Password need to be case sensitive?

 

MATT

         No, no password necessary. you just take one hand like this and         the other one like this.  BTW, my name is Matt, nice to meet you.

 BOBBY

        I'm Bobby, likewise.  Umm, I can’t quite figure out… 

Matt tries to place Bobby’s hands on the book, but Bobby twists the book to the side and gets it upside down. Matt flips it around. 

MATT

                       Hold it like this. Good. Now you flip it around like this.                   

BOBBY

        Wow! Words. Sentences.    

 

MATT

        Now just read them. 

   BOBBY

        This is something! But why is there no click bait in the 

        margins? Like all Steven Seagal movies rated from                               Awful to God-Awful. 

 

MATT

           No clickbait in a book. Now read to the bottom of the 

           page and then go to the next one. 

                                        BOBBY

           Okay, but what the …  I can’t scroll down.

 

    Bobby tries to scroll down with his hand, swiping down. Meanwhile Amber,             who's been sitting nearby, approaches the two.

 

MATT

No, you don’t scroll down. You just flip the page. Like this.

  

AMBER

Excuse me, guys. Don’t either of you have phones?

                                BOBBY

Of course we do, but we're reading a book here. The Great

Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

                                 AMBER

May I take a look.  Hi, I'm Amber.  

 

    Bobby  tries to turn the page but awkwardly grabs a clump of pages                          instead of one  while Amber eagerly observes what he's doing.  Bobby                      finally turns his clump of pages and smooths it all down.

                                                                MATT

                             Sure you can, Amber. Bobby,  since you've kind of                                                        jumped to the end of the book, why don't you read the last                                          sentence.    

 

BOBBY (reading)

        “So, we beat on, boats against the current, borne back 

        ceaselessly into the past.”

 

MATT

        What do you suppose that means? 

 

BOBBY

                          Well, umm, I think it means if we're sailing in a boat to go forward we may need to fight the current backward. 

                                                            MATT                                                                                          That's exactly it. Very good, Bobby! 

AMBER

       Gee, F. Scott Fitzy is really shredding it, isn’t he?

 

MATT

        He is! (amused by Amber's word choice) Well, this is                                my stop.

 

BOBBY

        Here’s your book. (hands it to Matt)

 

MATT

        No, tell you what; You take it. I’ve read it many times                             and I have   another copy at home.

 

BOBBY

        Hey, thank you!

 

MATT

        I’d be happy to know you read it. Goodbye, Bobby.                                  Amber. 

 

AMBER

        So cool!  He left it with you. But now what do we do                               with it? 

BOBBY

        I’m not sure. Maybe there’s a You-Tube video.

AMBER

        Great. Let’s Google it. But what do we Google?  The Great ....?

 

BOBBY

        No. I think maybe we Google ....“Reading a Book.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

You Don't Hardly Hear Anyone Saying This So Much Anymore

 

You Don't Hardly Hear Anyone Saying This So Much Anymore:

1) "Did anybody remember to bring a camera?"

2) "Excuse me, sir, can you give me the directions to ...?"

3)  "Why would I ever want or need cable TV?" 

4) "Hard to believe that the oldest Boomers are turning 60."

5) "Don't you just love those long CVS receipts with all the coupons?"  

6)  "What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?"

7) "Y2K is going to be a disaster!"

8) "What's a meme?"

9) "Why would I ever want or need premium cable TV?"

10) "That Liberty Mutual commercial with the emu is very funny."

11) "Want to go see the "The Beaver" with Mel Gibson?"

12) "Young people getting tattoos is a fad that'll blow over."

13) "... the girls in the office ..."

14) "Boy, seems like every other car in New York City is a taxicab."

15) "Y2K is going to be a big nothing."

16) "Why would I ever want or need streaming TV?"

17) "I never miss Bill Maher on Friday night."  

18) "How could Gayle King and Charles Barkley not have great chemistry together?"

19) Twitter will never be as big a deal as Facebook."

20) "Remember Y2K?"

These are just the ones that I thought of, but there are obviously many more. If you think of any, please let me know. 

It would be a mitzvah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To a Brave New World

   

There's no question about it: We're driving fast from a dream of the past to a Brave New World.  

We Baby Boomers have entered a Brave New World, a world with which most of us are more than a bit ill at ease.  Movies, TV, and certainly technology have advanced far beyond the land of black and white television, John F. Kennedy, and Doris Day & Rock Hudson, even though Rock was blazing trails back in the day of which we were then not the slightest bit aware.

So how am I faring in this brave new world, which has such people in it?

A  couple of thoughts on a couple of subjects:

Modern Celebrities

When we were young celebrities had clearly discernable names.  Names Like Frank Sinatra. Or, as I bend the knee, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

Nowadays celebrities' names can be puzzling. The first time I heard the name "Kendrick Lamar," I thought it was an insurance company. I wondered if at Kendrick Lamar, they make you pay for more than what you need.

Then somebody mentioned  "The Weeknd," and I said "I hope you had a good time, the Hamptons?" And when I heard someone exclaim "Shaboozey!" I said "Gesundheit."  However, now that I've listened to some of Shaboozey's music  I've found I like it almost as much as I like saying:  

Shaboozey!

It took me longer than it should have to be able to distinguish Ryan Reynolds from Ryan Gosling.  That shouldn't have been so hard but it was in part fueled by my Baby Boomer proclivity towards temporarily blanking on the names of people and celebrities I actually know well.  Right now I can't even remember the names of the two celebrities I just mentioned. 

Then I come to the matter of "Walton Goggins," star of "The White Lotus" and other popular TV shows. Can you imagine a celebrity going by the name "Walton Goggins" back in the day?  Such an individual would have given his name a face lift to something like "Kirk Stirling" long before kicking off his acting career.

Actually I kind of like the name "Kirk Stirling." Is it too late for me to change my name to that?  Actually I kinda like Walton Goggins too.

My Advice on Names:  Watch the SNL Opening Monologue and at least one performance by the musical guest and pay careful attention to the names of the progenitors.  Then you can safely ignore the rest of the show, funny or as most likely, not. 

Modern Expressions

Yep, modern expressions sure have transcended the "far out" and "right on" from days of yore.  Here's my compendium, woefully incomplete, of those expressions I can say without looking sheepish and those I cannot:

"I'm down with that." One might think this was a negative as in "I'm voting thumbs down on that," but in actuality it means "I'm voting thumbs up." It may seem a little counterintuitive, but I  am fully down with saying "down with that." 

"Oh Snap." I think "oh snap" is the Gen Z version of "oh wow,"  but "oh wow" is still perfectly good, so it was a snap for me to decide not to say "oh snap!"

"Merch" - a shortened form of "merchandise" now so firmly entrenched in the language I can readily toss it out as I purchase Phillies cap, jersey, and other merch. But has all this merch ever helped the Phils win?  No, not "merch."   

"Rizz" - meaning "charisma" is too cute for words and too cute for me and most other Boomers.  You either got or you haven't got "rizz" but if you're fortunate enough to got it, I'd flaunt it, fellow Boomers, charismatically speaking.  

"It's lit" - the first time I heard this I thought "I didn't realize it was Hannukah."  But if it isn't Hannukah, then I thought "for God's sake, call the fire department!"  But it actually means that something is really, really good, but frankly if it isn't Hannukah and nothing's on fire, it's not an expression I feel really, really good about using. 

"Dope" - it meant pot to us, but now it's used to describe something that's very cool.  But if you think smoking dope is still very cool then you're probably not cool enough to use the expression "dope" to mean very cool. So I'd stick with the original usage, whether or not you want to light up or leave me alone.

"Shredding it" - I thought this had to do with making salad, but it actually means being really good at something. I'll have to give it some thought before deciding if I can be shredding it at saying "shredding it."

"Fetch" - Apparently originating from the movie "Mean Girls" it means "awesome." But with all due respects to Tina Fey, if you go fetch a pail of water and come back saying "fetch" for "awesome," I'm going to go fetch one myself and not come back. Awesome!        

My Advice on Expressions:  Feel free to say whatever you're comfortable with. But I'd do my best to avoid saying "Boujee."

Modern Commercials

Nah, I'm done for now.

So, keep driving fast from your dreams of the past, fellow Boomers.  

See you in the Brave New World.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~