My Own Personal Mt. Rushmore of Comedy

 

It was an incredible discovery and I am the one who discovered it!

I’d heard talk amongst certain old-timers in the comedy world (Yes, even older than I am) of a fabled Mt Rushmore of Comedy nestled away in the remote Tanggula Mountains in China near the Tibetan Border.

Because I am retired with nothing better to do than watch Jeopardy and hate-watch Bill Maher I thought to make the pilgrimmage. After an arduous seven-week journey by air, bus, oxcart, and yak I reached the remote village of Altecocka, where there’s so little to do it reminded me of my weekends.

It was here that I located my sherpa, Ali Bushma, who came highly recommended as one who had thrown up on each and every peak in the Tanggulas.

And so, Ali and I began the perilous climb up all 27,772 feet of Mt. Geladaindong.

“What do the peasants here do with their time?” I asked Ali.

“Dig each other out from avalanches, ” he replied.

Everybody’s gotta have a hobby.

Weeks passed. We climbed so high the air was as thin as the premises of most of my jokes.

And then, we were at the summit.

It was exactly as I had envisioned:

Jack Benny - the quintessential radio and early television comedian, he created a universe of characters around him who routinely confounded his sometimes befuddled but always good-natured self. Among them was Rochester who was treated as his often smarter equal; Benny was famous for refusing to stay in any hotel that wouldn’t let Rochester stay there as well. Should Benny be on the Mount Rushmore of Comedy? I don’t have to think it over!

Johnny Carson - literally created the late night talk show. Others came first but he perfected the genre, made it his own, and treated us to it night after night. Monologue, funny desk pieces, and a parade of who’s who in show business (frequently along with who would be who) were all served up with Johnny’s undeniable wit. Every talk show comes in his wake, especially Letterman who took the format and gave it a hip modern attitude. But grinning Johnny pioneered it all.

George Carlin - other comedians had been topical before him - from Lenny Bruce to Mort Sahl to Robert Klein and David Steinberg - but George Carlin was the first to rip off his suit, leave the hippy dippy weather man far behind, and embrace the counter-culture. He spoke to a new generation and became the voice of refreshingly hip political irreverent comedy. Practically any topical comedian you love today will tell you this guy inspired him. And nobody was better at clever word play.

Jerry Lewis - Some may wonder “why this guy?” but when I was growing up we waited for the next Jerry Lewis movie like people used to wait for the next Star Wars opus. Many of his movies were funny as hell and not just for kids; I defy anyone to watch The Nutty Professor and not laugh. Whenever you watch any movie with a goofy protagonist - be it early Steve Martin or Jim Carey - you’re watching Jerry’s progeny. Now let’s say it one more time: OH LADEEEYYY!

So as Ali Bushma and I descended the mountain, I wondered if you would disagree with any of the faces carved upon Mt.Geladaindong.

If you do, well, no problem.

Find your own damn mountain and start climbing!

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 Mt.Geladaindong

(I didn't make that up, that really is the mountain's name!)

I am the Retired Doctor in the Nervive Commercial Who is Afraid of the Stairs but Somehow I Have Been Sent Back in Time to Kill Baby Hitler

 It seems I have been sent back in time to kill Baby Hitler.

Well, okay, killing Baby Hitler is a laudable enterprise. I fully support it.

And somebody’s got to do it.

There’s only one problem. I am the retired doctor in the Nervive commercial who is afraid of the stairs, and Baby Hitler is on the first floor and I am on the third!

Madam Hitler couldn’t have been nicer when I materialized suddenly in a room on the third floor of her home in Austria — Hungary in early April 1889.

“I’m happy to rent this room to you, Herr Doctor” she said, “but please keep it down because I have a baby sleeping on the first floor.”

My first night at the Hitler household I crept to the top of the stairway, hunter’s knife in hand, and steadied myself for the deed that would change the course of human history!

But as I attempted to descend the stairs my head began to swivel from side to side — like it does in the commercial — and a terrible truth struck me:

“Sometimes stairs can bring worry.”

Yes, the lives of almost a hundred million people hung in the balance. But what if I should fall and twist my ankle, or even worse, break it? Then where would those hundred million people be?

Who knows how long it would take for my broken ankle to heal? And how much rent would I owe Madam Hitler by then?

Then I remembered: I had packed a bottle of my precious Nervive. I resolved to take a dose, “get my freedom back,” and complete the task before me.

And so the next night, knife again in hand, I downed half a bottle of Nervive and headed once more for the stairs and the good of all humanity!

Only one problem.

Nervive works about as well as you’ve always suspected it does.

Fate works in mysterious ways, but sometimes it can just plain screw up.

I hope Fate will correct its mistake, return me to the present to continue cashing checks from the good folks at Nervive, and send someone else back in time to kill Baby Hitler.

Someone braver and stronger.

Someone not afraid of the stairs.

Maybe you?

Good luck!

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If a Raccoon Can Sell T-Shirts, Why Can't I?

 

Jimothy, a raccoon with a spinal condition, has become an internet phenomenon and now a national celebrity. He’s even selling t-shirts.

Hey, I also have a spinal condition.

Why can’t I be selling some merch too?

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Note: Please don’t actually order. Hopefully nobody reading this is so high as to think it’s legit.

I am the Eyes of Nostradamus

 

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Predictions, of course, by none other.