Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Youth Serum Scam

                                                                                                                      In the style of  the Onion*

Youth Serum a Scam Protests Area Man, Now Only 15 Years Younger

Area Man Perry Block has reported that a so-called "youth serum" he purchased from an infomercial on late night television has turned out to be a scam.   Mr. Block stated to authorities that he only became younger by 14 or 15 years, not the 20 years promised.

"When I saw the infomerical starring former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson," said the formerly 64 year old from Havertown PA who is now 50 years old, "I naturally thought it was credible and 20 years off my age sounded agreeable enough. So I purchased the product for $9.99 and even called within 15 minutes and got the free measuring cup."

"Then I started using the serum and sure enough all my wrinkles vanished and I regrew most of my hair except  for a nickle sized spot in the back and I did look and feel  much better. But then one night I was making passionate love with a  25 year old model and after only about one hour, I simply wore out! 

"Can you imagine what kind of an excuse I would have had to come up with if she hadn't already passed out herself from sheer pleasure?"

Mr.  Block's doctor broke the cold, hard news to him:  Mr. Block was now only 50 years old, not the promised age of 44.

"Sadly, we see scams like this all the time," said consumer fraud attorney Roger Fortis. "I had a woman bought a set of kitchen utensils which promised to make her the gastronomical toast of four continents. Yes, she did become that, but what about New Zealand?  What about New Zealand?!"

"Perhaps saddest of all," said Attorney Fortis, "was the gentleman who bought Kevin Trudeau's book  Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About only to discover to his dismay that once he had read about the cures "they" didn't want him to know about, "they" only beat the crap out of him and left him for dead, but didn't actually kill him!"

Mr. Block is hoping to start a class action suit, but admits it will be difficult  to track down other aggrieved parties to join the suit when most of them are busily climbing Mt. Everest, training for the Decathlon,  and/or having sex with an endless array of supermodels for whom they haven't even bothered to prepare an excuse.

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 *I didn't say as good as the Onion, just in the style of!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

A Day Without Cursing




A day without cursing?  Could I do it?

I wanted to say 'fuck yeah!' but that would have blown it already. And I was determined.

We live in a schizophrenic society.  Put on cable television any hour night or day and seldom is heard a non-four letter word unless you're watching a Frozen marathon.  But out in the real world, you are wise to use four-letter words in reasonable proportion to other lettered ones lest you be judged an ill mannered lout, sex offender, or even worse, comedian Bob Saget. 

My proportions had become anything but proportionate.  The 'f' word and 's' words had begun to rule my vocabulary the way Coca-Cola and coffee ruled my taste buds. The situation had reached its apotheosis just the other day when I endeavored to help a sweet little old day across the street with the words "Need assistance crossing the fucking street, miss?" 

Something had to be done to develop a  way to put the four letter words in their place --- which was in my mouth --- but in my mouth far less frequently.

And I came up with the solution:  Spend one whole day without cursing. If I could do that, I could certainly learn to curse with discretion and judgment all the other days, especially the ones that I wasn't being fired from a job or dumped from a relationship. 

The night before the day selected I read six stories by Charles Bukowski to get the  nasty words out of my system.  Then I watched the first chapter  of Anne of Green Gables all the way through, making sure to cry at every appropriate moment. 

I was ready. 

Showering and shaving the next morning were uneventful. Then on my way to locating my shoes to put them on, I smashed my foot against a bureau.  It hurt.

"You mother ...." I began. 

 And stopped.

"You mother lode of misery!" I yowled.  

Challenge No. 1, met, accepted, and overcome. Points for creativity too.

Settling behind the wheel of my car, I noticed that I needed gas to get to my destination.  I was annoying, because as usual I was late.

"Oh, shi..."  I started.

And "Oh, shine on, shine on havest moon!"  I finished.

So far, so good.  But the mother lode of all challenges was yet to face me.  

Later in the day I was involved in a small fender bender. Who actually was at fault was tough to tell, but the other driver seemed to think he knew.

"You asshole!  You fucking asshole!" he bellowed.

"Now let's not be hasty or rude," I countered.

"Asshole!  Fucking asshole!"  he replied. 

I could take no more!

"You, sir," I fired back, "are a fink."

" A fink?" he said.  "I'm a fink?"

"You are!  A dirty rotten one."

And he stopped in his tracks. "Oh, what the heck, buddy, it's just a scratch anyway."

Challenge No. 3 and Victory! 

Day virtually complete, I returned home and the next day returned to cursing. But maybe from now on I do have a bit of control over the words that issue forth from my lips.  Maybe I can take the high road every once in a while. 

Know what?

Fink yeah!

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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Piece of Work Piece of Art

copyright Douglas MacIlroy

I was and still am her greatest work!”

"Sure, we've heard it all before, Seaside Contours," responded Pastel Princess wearily.

"Multiple times," added Sculpture of a Young Ballerina.

"And now they’re breaking up the collection, I with my sensuous mustache and alarm clock eyes am headed for MoMA! The Big Apple!"

"We know," sighed Pastel Princess.

"Where you going, Pastel?"

“Baltimore Museum of Art.”

"Baltimore? Great town if you like muggings! You, Sculpture?"

"Philly Museum of Art."

"Philly? Run up the steps you’ve seen the whole place!

"Psst, Sculpture:  Don’t worry, he's not just going to MoMA.”

"No?"

"He's going into storage at MoMA. He'll have nobody to yak to for 75 years!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Not all art is ennobling. I took one look at this week's prompt and saw a very obnoxious piece of art with a handlebar mustache and a mouth that never shuts.  If you're going to the Museum of Modern Art in NYC, make sure he's safely tucked away in the basement before you venture forth.

Very ennobling, however, are the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers, works of art all. Enable the ennobling by clicking here.

Oh, hello, Seaside Contours, what are you doing at my house?  OMG, willed to whom?!!! 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

If Moses Had a Goofy Sidekick
















And Moses spake unto the Lord his God, "who am I to go onto Pharaoh and tell him to let thy people go, Lord?  I am not a man of words. Mayest I have a little help here, please?"

And the Lord didst send a whirlwind, and didst send it Federal Express to boot, and from the whirlwind there emergest the rough, crude, and unformed figure of a man. And the man from the whirlwind didst thereupon take full human shape - even with an extra pound or two, a loud tie, and a silly walk -  and didst traipse up to Moses in a comical manner and asketh him to borrow five bucks.

"Who is this oddball, Lord," saith Moses, "and why didst thou not even give him cab fare?"

And the Lord saith, "This is Farky Noodleman."

"Yes, and who is ... "

"He is thy goofy sidekick." 

"Is he funny?"

"Is he funny? He slayeth more people than I ever did!  Now go!"


And Moses and Farky Noodleman came before Pharoah, and Moses spake unto Pharoah: "Thus saith the Lord, the God of Israel, Let My People Go!"

"And Pharaoh saith "Go? Go where?"

And Farky Noodleman spake unto Pharoah,"We're talking about Jews, Pharoah. Obviously to the Catskills or to Miami Beach!"

"Ha, ha, ha," laugheth Pharoah.  

"Pharoah," saith Moses,"if thou doth not let my people go, the Lord God will visit many plagues upon the land of Egypt."

"And he will visit," chortleth Farky Noodleman, "without so much as bringing a bottle of Chardonnay or even an Entenman's cake."

"Ho, ho, ho," laugheth Pharoah, and Moses joineth in too "he, he, he, he!"   But Pharoah still wouldst not let the people go.

And Moses didst smote the waters and the waters turned to blood all throughout the land of Egypt, and if thou wast in the mood for anything other than a V8, thou wast out of luck.  And Moses and Farky Noodleman didst appear again before the Pharoah to beseech him to let the people go.

"Say Pharoah, know what they call a Jewish boy who can't stand the sight of blood?"

"I knoweth not, Farkster."

"A lawyer!"

And Pharaoh didst laugh mightily because the jests of Farky Noodleman had found favor in his eyes.  But Pharaoh's heart was hardened.  

"Gosh," sayeth Farkey Noodleman, "if the Lord God couldst performst the hardening four feet lower, every man on earth wouldst worship him!"

And both Pharoah and Moses didst guffaw and even poketh each other in the ribs, but Pharoah still didst not let the people go. And then God didst unleash His plagues upon Egypt, each of which Farky Noodleman hadst a bit of shtick ready for .....

There were wild animals running in the streets.  "And just when I renewed my membership to the Zoo for another year!"

Frogs.  "This is how God rubs it in that I flunked biology?!" 

Darkness.  "What, doesn't anybody have stock in the electric company any more?"

 ...and more and finally: "Death of the First Born!"

"I dunno about you Egyptians, but I'd start lying about my age ASAP!"

"I canst stop laughing!" saith Pharaoh.  "You even maketh plagues fun, Farky. Okay, Moses, I will let thy people go."

And so Moses and Farky Noodleman led the Hebrews out of Egypt, but when they camest to the Red Sea, there wast a dilemna. "Look, Moses," saith Farkey Noodleman with much alarm, "Pharaoh's chariots are following us and we are blocked by the sea!"

And Moses didst raise his staff and parteth the Red Sea, just as pretty as you pleaseth.  You hadeth to be there.

"Walketh this way," saith Moses to all the Hebrews.

And so, the children of Israel didst walkest this way just like Moses onto freedom, and it cameth to pass that this wast the first time in all the history of the world that this gag wast performeth.  

"Whaddya know?" sigheth Farky Noodleman.  "When all is said and done,  count on Moses to get the biggest laugh of all!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And coming soon: "If Henry David Thoreau had a Goofy Sidekick," "If Abraham Lincoln had a Goofy Sidekick," and "If You and Me had a Goofy Sidekick."