Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Steinmetz and Jurgen had trekked nearly 2,000 miles. Hopelessly lost and out of water and food, they despaired that they would ever see civilization again.
"There up ahead!" cried Jurgen. "There's greenery on that plateau! Could be an oasis! Could be an answer to our prayers!"
Shedding their gear, the two raced toward the plateau, As they rounded the jutting rock before it, the gazed upon an incredible sight!
"Actor John Travolta!" exclaimed Steinmetz. "What are you doing here?"
"After that performance at the Academy Awards," said Travolta, "I had to find some way to make money. Got me a refreshment stand here."
"What are you selling?" asked Jurgen.
"Snwo cenos, oht gods, and monleade," replied Travolta.
That's snow cones, hot dogs, and lemonade, to help Mr. Travolta out a bit. Remember when he was the hottest thing in show business (some of you)? Now his toupee gets more attention than he does.
Anyway, I thank John Travolta for his special appearance in my Friday Fictioneers offering this week. To see what guest stars and other excitements the other Fictioneers have in store for you, click here.
Hope you have a happy and healthy week, with no Saturday Night Fever.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
According to the weather forecast this weekend, the old adage "March comes in like a lion" is about to be proven true. A big snowstorm is predicted for the Northeast on March 2.
But after that, everything's changed. Forecasters have advised that instead of "going out like a lamb," March this year is set to go out "like a badly scuffed pair of brown wingtips which need repair but are not yet ready to be disposed of."
Why? It's the impact of climate change. Many predictors think that next year March will come in "like comedian and actor Tracy Morgan" and go out "like somebody talented." Others believe March will come in "like a plate of cold lasagna" and go out "like sex with Renee Zellweger," which may not represent that much change.
"It's anybody's guess what happens," says Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel. "All the computer models differ based on the flow of the Gulf Stream, the dew points on the Equator, and the number of Baby Boomers who think Channing Tatum is a girl. It's my personal belief that we're due for a succession of years in which 'March comes in like a set of Louis Vuitton Luggage and goes out like my cousin Milt Vanderberg, who hasn't held a steady job in years.'"
And what has happened to the Lion and Lamb?
"Looks like they've laid down together and gone to sleep," says Cantore. "And next year it's quite possible 'March will come in like a wholly new breed of animal and go out like the Lamb's attorney chasing the Lion as fast as he damn well can!'"
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The Long Awaited Sequel
The untimely loss of writer/director/actor Harold Ramis this week has caused many of us to take another look at many of this films, and in my view none is greater than Groundhog Day.
This intensely original and perfectly rendered motion picture tells the story of self-centered weatherman Phil Connors who finds himself living the same day over and over again - Groundhog Day - and eventually comes to use his plight as an opportunity to better himself and those around him.*
All of us dream of the chance to do over those things we've messed up, but somehow if given the opportunity I doubt things would turn out as well for you and me as for Bill Murray in the film. Let's check out a few scenes from the long awaited sequel to Groundhog Day entitled ....
"Perry, over here, we're setting up for the shot of Tawneykitaen Bill."
"Here you go, Rita and Larry! I've brought you coffee and danish!"
"Take your coffee and danish and shove it, Perry!"
"It only took you 83 Warthog Days to think to bring it, jerk!"
"But, Larry ... Rita ... how do you know that?"
"We know you're living the same day over and over again! Say, who'd you have to shtup to get that deal?"
"Well, I don't know, Rita ..."
"Why you? Why not us?! Why not Abraham Lincoln?!! Why not Elvis?!!!"
"Ned Ryerson, the insurance man! Come on over, buddy!"
"Perry Block? Gotta go."
"But why, Ned?"
"126 Warthog Days until you finally acknowledge me! And only because at this point most people in the town are sick to death of you!"
"All right, Ned, I'll buy insurance! Life. Health. Pet. I'll insure a boat and I don't even have one, I get seasick!"
"Yeah, and when are you going to pay me for the policies, creep? Tomorrow?"
"Here you go, old timer. Hope this helps."
"Two bucks, fifty! What kind of lousy cheapskate are you, Block?"
"How do you know who I am?"
"Everybody knows you! I suppose I should be grateful, you didn't give me a damn dime for the first 253 Warthog Days!"
"You're choking me! You're choking me!"
"I got a lot of strength left in me when I get riled up! Who did you shtup to get this do-over deal? Satan?!"
"I have to say your piano playing is terrible, Mr. Block. It makes ABBA sound almost like music."
"But this is just my first lesson with you. I can't be expected to..."
"First lesson? Try 347th lesson, schmuck! Everyone knows you get to repeat Warthog Day over and over again."
"Yes, but I'm trying to better myself each day by...
"By playing lousy piano? Why aren't you at least Batman by now?"
"Well, I tried that, I looked bad in the tights."
"Look, Rita, I've made a lovely ice sculpture of your face!"
"Terrific, Perry. You've received the greatest gift ever bestowed upon a human being in all of eternity ... and you play in the ice and snow."
"But it's for you! I love you!"
"Pathetic. 1258 Warthog Day do-overs! Why aren't you at least Batman by now?"
"Swell. What's he been in lately?"
Well, I was right. Sure doesn't look like things are going to turn out as well for you and me as they did for Phil Connors. Or that Warthog Day is going to be nearly as big a hit as Groundhog Day.
Of course, there's a reason for that.
We need Harold Ramis.
Yeah, maybe for Bill Murray.
But for you and me, dude, ...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
"It's the best fertilizer in all England, and we're proud it's produced right here in Lloyd's Crossing!"
"You should be, Mr. Watkins! We wouldn't purchase any other for our string of nurseries. What's your secret?"
"It's a bit unusual, Mr. Soames. Every day all the townsfolk in Lloyd's Crossing are required to scrape up and carefully collect everything they've dumped out of their ..."
"As I was saying, every man, woman, and child must take their dumpings and store them, usually in a box kept in their bedrooms."
"But that can't be!"
"Why not? And at the end of the week, the family lumps it all together, wraps it in a big package often with a pretty bow, and walks it over to the company."
"Think I'm gonna be sick ...."
"You ... you ... collect all your shit to make fertilizer?!!"
"No, spare change we dump out of our pockets. To buy supplies."
I hope you won't poo poo my little tale this week for the Friday Fictioneers. I've tried very hard not to make it stink.
If you do think it smells a bit, however, please feel free to click on this highly sanitized link for the other Friday Fictioneers, who may greet you with blood, mayhem, and gore, but hopefully very little BM. Or Number 2. Or doo-doo. Or whatever other discrete and more socially acceptable term you prefer to call it.
Hope your week ahead isn't a shitty one! Bye.