Plus exotic ports of call! Yeah, sure ...
I frequently get that call you might have also have received, the one with the recorded female voice telling me I have just won a super fantastic prize.
"Hellooo! I am very happy to tell you that you have been selected to receive an all-expenses paid two week cruise to the Caribbean!"
"Here we go again!" I always say under my breath. What's the catch?
"There is no catch. You'll chart a course from New York City aboard a luxury liner that makes the Queen Mary 2 look like it belongs on the U.S. Navy target practice range. You'll enjoy a private state room with Jacuzzi, fully stocked bar, and 3-D television with screen the size of actor Brad Garrett."
Do they think I was born yesterday? Not that I wouldn't prefer to be born yesterday, as opposed to when I was born.
"We do not think you were born yesterday. Aboard ship you'll enjoy four star dining, three Olympic size swimming pools, a Robert Trent Jones Championship Golf Course, and private Observatory with the ship's resident physicist Neil deGrassse Tyson. You will meet and greet members of the Philadelphia Phillies baseball team and another team to be announced, which we promise will be a contender."
Hah, sure! If I'd really won such a fantastic prize, wouldn't an actual person be handling the call, not a programmed voice? I'll bet there's an ocean of hidden charges!
"There is no ocean of hidden charges. But there are exotic ports of call like the U.S. Virgin Islands, St. Kitts, St. Martins, Barbados, and more, many featuring topless and nude beaches, favorite havens of supermodels from around the world.
That when I always slam the phone down in disgust. "Ought to be a law against this kind of thing!" I practically shout. Gotta get myself on the No-Call List.
A couple of weeks ago I ran into my friend Farbman at the bank. He looked tanned and rested.
"Farbman!" I exclaimed. "You look great!"
"Well, I just got back from an all-expenses paid Caribbean cruise!"
"Wait ... you mean ... from the phone call?"
"Sure, got the call last month. Fantastic food, great islands, met the Yankees. That Neil deGrasse Tyson is such a card!"
"But ... but it all sounds so bogus."
"It's made to sound that way. It's paid for by a billionaire who loves trusting, positive, non-judgmental people. If you're patient enough to listen to the message to the part about ports of call, a live person comes on and signs ya right up!"
"But that's the point when I ... I mean that's when I … when I usually…,,"
"Yeah, he doesn't want any negative, doubting, impatient jerks ruining the trip."
“But, but, but ...”
"If you're lucky enough to get the call, Perry, hang on for dear life!! Oh, those topless beaches are incredible!"
Since then I haven't received the call. Not even once. Though I pretty much don't leave the house waiting for it.
Is there such a thing as a "Please Call List?"