Friday, April 20, 2018

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute


The First Book 


I may dig a pygmy, but these folks dig
Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute:

"This book was totally relatable, funny, and yes, really poignant ... I appreciate Perry's wit and fight. He's not going gently into that good night. Neither am I. Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is a great read!"
Michele Young-Stone, author of The Handbook of Lightning Strike Survivors, Above Us Only Sky, and Lost in the Beehive. 
  
“Perry Block offers up his ideas about advancing age in a funny and clever series of delightful musings … Perry brings his wit and wisdom to some everyday situations which will guarantee that you'll not only relate, but you'll be laughing out loud… By all means, buy it, read it, laugh out loud, and enjoy."
Joy Ross Davis, author of Emalyn's Treasure, The Devereaux Jewel, Mother, Can You Hear Me?and more.

“Perry Block has gathered a collection of his hilarious articles and essays on the joys of being a Boomer in the 21st century. He takes his readers along a desperate path of trying to turn back the clock. Seriously, you will laugh until your sides ache.” 
K.D. McCriteauthor of the Confessions of April Grace and Further Confessions of April Grace series of books, and more.

A funny (often laugh out loud funny), charmingly self-deprecating series of short pieces about aging, modern culture, pop culture then and now, and an eclectic variety of other topics … I felt like I got to know the author (who would likely make a highly entertaining dinner companion) while I read. Really enjoyable."  
Debra Snider, author of Lost Wyoming, and more.

"Perry Block hates cheese.  If that’s not enough reason to read this collection of humorous essays chronicling the inevitable life of an aging 67 year-old Baby Boomer then I don’t know what is. Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is a laugh-out-loud cautionary tale about not taking creeping old age lying down (unless it’s nap time)." 
Don Holley, screenwriter of National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon and author of Half-Loaded: A Humorous Hollywood Memoir. 


Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute
  The Book

Like you, Perry Block is a Baby Boomer who turned around one day in 1978 and suddenly found himself 40 years later at an age he always thought was exclusively reserved for people’s parents. 

Through a series of often hilarious essays, Perry tries to make sense of it all, aided by his son Brandon and a host of other real and fictitious characters, including Batman, Cupid, the Legendary Jewish Vampire Vlad the Retailer, Richard Nixon, Moses, and more. 

Every Boomer concern is here - aging angst, fatherhood, the singles life, friendships, fading looks and physicality, social trends, the1960’s, religion, Judaism, the writing life, parody and satire, self-deprecation, and the nagging worry that not only has he measured his life in coffee spoons, frequently the coffee hasn’t even been hot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Curious Case of 'Siri' Button



“Hey, Siri!” 

... I said one morning, seeking to summon America’s favorite smart phone virtual assistant to my assistance.

“Yes, Perry,” Siri answered.  On one particularly lonely prior Saturday night I'd made a diligent and determined point of teaching her my name.

“Tell me, Siri," I asked, "is comedian-impressionist Frank Gorshin still alive? You know, the Riddler on Batman.”

“Perry,” she admonished me, “the answer is no, but you’ve just got to get over your morbid obsession with death!”

Wise counsel. But something was different, something I was hearing I'd never heard before. 

It was Siri's voice!

"Siri, you sound young!" I exclaimed. "Younger than ever before!"

“It’s true, Perry. I am younger now!”

“But how?  And if Apple can do that for you, can Apple do that for …?"

“No, I doubt there’s an age reduction app for non-digitally based beings!" 

“Siri, I'm amazed!" I exclaimed. "You used to sound about 36, 37, maybe 40. Now you sound like you’re in college!"

"I’m am in college. I'm now 22 and a senior at Penn State."
`
"What’s your major?  I mean ... umm ... why is this happening? Why do you sound like Ariana Grande now instead of Sandra Bullock?"

"It’s the youth culture, Perry. Do you really want Siri to be getting old along with you? Just imagine one day you punching me up to see if somebody’s dead, as you usually do, and hearing a voice like: 

Hello Perry, This is your Auntie Siri. Could you speak up, I didn’t hear your question? You want to know if who is dead?  Here, let me brew you some tea and serve you some scones while I struggle to look it up.”

“Siri, you've made your point."

"I'm glad."

"Umm ... then may I help you with your graduate school applications?"

Despite all this, The Curious Case of 'Siri' Button wasn't done.

“Siri, is actress Yvette Mimieux still alive?” I asked America’s favorite Penn State student smart phone virtual assistant a few weeks later, having made wee little progress in overcoming the obsession about which she had previously dispensed wise counsel to me. 

“She is!" Siri chirped happily, "and because of that, I'm going into my happy dance!"

"Siri ... now you sound like a kid!"

“If having a sleepover tonight with my BFF Sandy, baking fudge together, and talking all night about hot guys makes me a kid, then I'm a kid!"

"What the hell is going on, Siri?"

"I'm sorry, Perry … I mean, Mr. Block … there's something I have to tell you." 

"What?"

“I'm just not gonna be around on your I-phone anymore."

“Why?”

“I’m 14 now.”

“So?”

“I’m too young to be alone with you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit that's quite a nice visualization of Siri above, and if you liked this piece I sincerely hope you wind up with a girl who looks just like her, or if preferred, a guy who looks just like her male counterpoint.

On the other hand, if you hated this piece, I hope you meet a girl who looks just like her and she views you as only a friend for your entire life!  Or, if preferred,you meet a guy who looks just like her male counterpoint and --- wait for it --- he views you as only a friend for your entire life too!  

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Paul Ryan Goes on a Job Interview Hoping to Remain Incognito

Image result for Paul Ryan at a desk


“Send in the next interviewee, please.”

“Hello, sir.  I’m here to apply for the sanitation job at your company.”

“Fine.  Your name is …”

“Paul Ryan. Paul Davis Ryan.”

“Paul Davis Ryan?”

“That’s correct, sir.”

“Do you always emphasize your middle name like that?"

“Always.”

"Why?"

“To distinguish myself from any other person who might happen quite by accident to have the same name as mine - Paul Ryan - so that people will understand I am just one random Paul Ryan out of a multitude of Paul Ryans and not any one specific Paul Ryan.”

“You look familiar to me.”

“No, I don’t!”  

“I beg your pardon.”

“I mean ... you’re probably mistaking me for Butch Patrick from The Munsters!”

“Could be.”

"Here's my resume, sir."

“I see. Now, Mr. Ryan, I appreciate a thorough resume but yours is a bit unusual."

“How so, sir?”

“You’ve given me way too much information about the early part of your career and very little about the rest.”

“I don't understand.”

"It says in the 1980's and early 90's you worked as a waiter, fitness trainer, salesman, marketing consultant for a construction company, driver for Oscar Mayer who once got to drive the fabled Wienermobile, and numerous other jobs all carefully enumerated."

"So?"

"Mr. Ryan, I don’t really need to know that you worked the grill at McDonald's from May 23, 1987 - February 14, 1988 and references are available upon request."  

“Just trying to show the diversity of my work experience, sir.”

“But what have you been doing since 1995?”

“I ... um ... wanted to spend time with my family. I was only seeing my kids on Sundays  and ...”

“You know, that’s sounds kind of familiar to me.”

"No, no, it doesn’t! Hey, maybe I am Butch Patrick!”

Why, you’re the Paul Ryan that surrendered control of our country to Emperor Donald I!”

Surrender is a strong word, sir.  How about graciously tendered?”

“You moron! You asshole!”

“So I left a little government service off the resume. I’ll put it back in.”

“Had you started impeachment proceedings during the spring of 2018 when it wasn’t too late we’d still have air you don't need to decant! There wouldn’t be a big, beautiful wall around California!
   
“Yeah, prob’ly.”

“And the national anthem wouldn’t be “O’ Putin Land!”

“But it is catchy.”

“You spineless, pathetic, weak-willed … wait a minute.”

“What, sir?”

“I just realized you are qualified for one position here.”

“What position is that?”

“My assistant.”

“I’m interested!”

“Good, Mr. Davis. You start next week.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you'll love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and you should order your copy right away.  If you hated this post, I hope when the blue wave does come you are swept away into the swirling pulsating waters with only Paul Ryan's balls as a flotation device.



Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Trump Fires Special Counsel Mueller for Poor Performance



President Donald J. Trump today fired Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the man charged with leading the investigation into the possible collusion of Trump and members of his administration with Russia.

The reason for the termination: Poor Performance.  

"It has long been my practice," said Mr. Trump "to require every manager in my employ – whether in the Trump organization or the White House - to complete a comprehensive performance evaluation for each and every employee they manage on an annual basis. I am no exception.”

“Mr. Mueller was appointed to his position in June 2017,” added Mr. Trump, “and I decided to begin work on his performance evaluation several months in advance to make certain I took all relevant factors into consideration in order to complete his evaluation fully and fairly, as I always do."

The result, however, was not as President Trump had hoped.

“Mr. Mueller's review was a total disaster!” Mr. Trump exclaimed. “It was terrible in a way no one has ever seen before! I think these ratings are a disgrace:

  •  Possesses Hands Smaller than President of the United States Below   Expectations
  •  Takes Illegal Direction from Narcissists Below Expectations,
  •  Stays in Lobbyist’s Home for $50 a night – Below Expectations 
  •  Confirms Fake Dossier is Bogus, Especially Part About Peeing in the       Bed Below Expectations."

 "Bad."

"By contrast, here is an amazing performance evaluation belonging to Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, who is doing an amazing job.  

  • Broadly Criticizes Mission of Department He or She Heads - Exceeds Expectations
  • Exercises Outstanding Judgment in Home Decor - Exceeds Expectations
  • Often Stays Awake in Meetings - Exceeds Expectations 

“It is my solemn duty to drain the swamp that was left to me by incompetent Obama who employed only fellow Kenyans, Mexicans, and Rosie O’Donnell.  I had no choice but to terminate Special Counsel Mueller’s services."

"I notified him by tweet today.”

President Trump conceded that Mr. Mueller had performed well in one category on his performance evaluation. On the category ‘Aggressively Pursues Investigation into Trump's Shameless Collusion with Putin’ he did achieve an Exceeds Expectations.

"But one good rating,” noted Mr. Trump “just can't counterbalance all the other poor ones."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you gave this post an Exceeds All Expectations and Then Some!, I hope you rise in your organization so you can one day afford a big beautiful mansion in Connecticut. If you gave it a Sucks Big-time I hope you wind up in somebody's basement.  Anybody's basement. 

But mine.