Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Over the Hill Hero




"Bruce, what are you doing?"

"I've got to save this poor individual trapped beneath a barrage of falling pillows, Selena!"

"Bruce, that's a doll with striped socks.  No one is in any danger whatsoever."

"Oh, I see!  Well, perhaps I'll just check to see if ....."

"The Bat Signal is on?  It hasn't been on in years!  And why that ridiculous nautical headgear?"

"The mask isn't for you.  It's for those you love."

"Oh, Selena, this is terrible!" said her neighbor Sarah. "What happened?"

"He's been this way ever since he turned 55, the Joker beat him in thumb wrestling, and Bane finally succeeded in blowing up Gotham City."

"Can anything be done for him?"

"Don't worry; Superman is coming over to play checkers. That always perks him up."

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I doubt anyone could help but wonder how a superhero like Batman, someone who is used to contending with arch villains and routinely saving the planet,  manages to make the transition to contending with bird poop on his favorite park bench and routinely saving string.  This is the theme of my post today in response to the picture prompt above for this week's Friday Fictioneers

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's the other Friday Fictioneers flying high with their own interpretations of the same prompt. No telling where they'll land, so do yourself a favor and ride along by clicking above.

It's good that Batman and Superman will at least have each other to reminisce about old times together with.  Not to mention a stimulating talk or two about prune juice. 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

You're Such a Lovely Audience



Thank you, Everyone! 

Your applause is wonderful!  Let's bring out that terrific cast again ... Meryl, Meryl, my sensational co-star, take an extra bow!

Y'know, folks, it's great to be back in my home town of New York starring in Broadway's latest smash hit,  Kinky Boobs! You were all fantastic tonight, a truly phenomenal audience! You're such a lovely audience I'd like to take you home with me, I'd love to take you home!

In fact, I will take you home!

I've had 14 buses dispatched directly outside the Helen Hunt Theater to transport all of you to my condo at 87th street.   Ladies, rest assured there are bathrooms on each bus with much shorter wait times than at the one Ladies Room here in the Helen Hunt Theater in the mezzanine.  So you should all be able to stop dancing around like Native Americans preparing for war by the time you get to my home.

We have ordered trays of food from the Plotkin Deli including corned beef, swiss cheese, roast beef, cole slaw, white fish, herring, chopped liver, baklava, cheese cake, and many other delicatessen delicacies guaranteed to give you reflux for the next week. Our Jewish audience members are going to feel like they're at a shiva but with the added bonus that no one's dead.

Now please all file out by section into the buses.  Orchestra seats go first, then the mezzanine, next the balcony, and last the abysmal seats slammed against the rear wall but you good folks are plenty used to that.  

When we get to the condo, feel free to throw your coats on my bed.   Remember that many coats look alike, so when you leave and you're parsing through 600 coats, give or take 150 or so,  be careful to take yours and not one of the other audience members or you'll be going through life as a 34 short London Fog from Woodbridge New Jersey when you're actually a 38 long Burberry  from  Greenwich Connecticut.  

I want you to feel totally at home in my home. Traipse through each and every room, admire the artwork - especially my paint-by-numbers --- and peruse my photo albums. You'll notice that my first wife was exceedingly hot but about as stable as the lower half of the periodic table, and my second wife had a great ass but the personality of the love child of Martha Stewart and Martha Stewart if Martha Stewart could mate with Martha Stewart. And I know Martha Stewart!

I'm looking forward to meeting all of you and spending quality time.  I want to hear about children, grandchildren, new jobs, retirements, divorces, operations, accidents, and existential angst and/or weltschmerz that may have you close to pondering ending it all. If necessary, I'll hug you through the night after the others have left.

Remember I don't give autographs.   

Why am I inviting an audience into my home after all my years in show business?

Frankly,  this is something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I had to wait for a truly responsive, enthusiastic,  and appreciative  audience --- a lovely audience. Tonight, folks, you were at long last that lovely audience.  

You applauded loud and long for our very marginal show, laughed at even at the stupidest and most unfunny jokes we padded out the script with, and hummed along with the utterly forgettable score.  If every theatrical audience were as naive and undiscriminating as all of you, Kinky Boobs would run forever and I could extend my waning career at least another ten years, at which time I'll be the BIG 8-5!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Remember to take off your shoes at the door, or I'll never hear the end of it from my third wife!

Hope you like the chopped liver.

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Scariest Low-Budget Monster of All



"Roger, I can tell you're about to do it again."

"Do what again, Anthony?"

"Deliver another low budget masterpiece! This is going to be your scariest movie since Revenge of the Blood Sucking Zombies from Cleveland!"

"Thanks!  Y'know, that one did win  Monster Picture of the Year 1955."

"Not to mention Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman with Large Breasts and 50 Million Miles to Earth and Up Your Shorts!" 

"Yes, guess I've always known how to scare audiences on the cheap."  

"And this new picture has the scariest low-budget monster of all!"

"What do you mean?  What monster?"

"The cheesy one right above us."

"But I haven't designed the monster yet for ....."

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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There's nothing like a 1950's monster picture when you're up in the middle of the night with a bowl of vanilla fudge ice cream until you realize you are old enough to have seen the movie when it opened in theaters and that you shouldn't be eating vanilla fudge ice cream in the middle of the night because now you're going to have reflux until dawn!

Otherwise there's nothing like a 1950's monster picture, especially when it's the subject of your contribution to the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above.  It's almost scary how many other interpretations there are of the prompt by the other Fictioneers, and may you be chased by the Blood Sucking Zombies from Cleveland if you don't click here to check them out!

And what of the scariest low-budget monster of all?   It's right above you!    

Knew I shouldn't have tried that one again.  

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Top Ten Reasons It Was Time For David Letterman To Go



The announcement that David Letterman is to resign in 2015 took by surprise only the most out-of-touch brain dead individuals, that is, Republican members of the House of Representatives. 

It was more than time.  Once the hippest thing on television since the advent of Saturday Night Live, Dave's brand of "so silly it's funny" humor has become about as exciting as sex with your wife following an anniversary dinner at Olive Garden.

There's no shortage of reasons that it's time for Dave to ride off into the sunset.  Herewith we present just a few of them, but these few happen to be:  

 The Top Ten Reasons It Was Time
 For David Letterman To Go

10) Wanted to spend more time with his son while he could still throw a ball and remember what one is. 

9) Sets things up for CBS to hire a new host with greater appeal to the youth audience, comedian Norm Crosby.

8) Leaked Rupert G./Kristen Chenoweth sex tape about to blow sky high!

7) Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra making too damn much money playing Bar Mitzvahs to stick with this dead end gig.

6) Late Night writers jumping at the chance to leave the show for Duck Dynasty.

5) Dave's gap tooth appears to be closing, wreaking havoc on his entire charisma. 

4) Remember when Connie Chung used to be on the show all the time?  Who's Connie Chung?  Exactly my point!


3) Abe Vigoda constantly asking everyone he sees "I don't look anywhere near as bad as Dave, do I?"

2) Because Baby Boomers aren't depressed enough about our icons hitting the dust.


And the Number One Reason 1 It Was Time For David Letterman To Go

1) Let's face it; do you even watch him any more?


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Note: Even though he's a bit past his prime, David Letterman is an American original and comedy legend.  I hope he'll be around in other contexts for years to come ...