Suddenly there was a loud scream right outside my living room window and a darkened shape barreled through it, crashed into my coffee table, and came to rest splayed out flat onto my well-worn den carpet.
"I can't believe it," I said, "you're still an incredible klutz!" .
"Guess I can't fly all that well as a vampire bat anymore," replied my unexpected guest.
"I don't recall that you ever could," I laughed.
Yep, it was my friend the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, whom I hadn't seen in many years. We had become friendly years ago after he gave up trying to frighten me in an era in which there were so many vampire movies and TV shows that I found Tracy Morgan to be scarier than he was, but of course nowhere near as funny.
"Perry," said Vlad, "I came as soon as I heard that your country had elected that moron again. How did it happen?"
"Oh, the Democrats blew it."
"What else is new? But there is a truly evil presence in this Administration, one that poses a grave - no pun intended - threat to your nation and to humanity."
"I know who you mean," I muttered.
"None other than my old nemesis," said Vlad in hushed tones, "Count Stephen of Miller!"
"You know, there's a rumor going around that he's not actually a vampire."
"Hah, some people will believe anything!"
"But what can we do?"
"We're going to Washington!" said Vlad, morphing himself back into a vampire bat but not without knocking clean over the coffee table.
"But how will I get there, Vlad?"
"Take a plane, buddy," said Vlad, "but by all that's unholy don't fly out of Newark!"
The next day we entered the office of Count Stephen of Miller, Vlad having used his vampiric powers to put Trump's security detail into a dreamland of orange skin, bloated flesh, and a face that only a mother could love, but not that person's mother.
"So we meet again, Count Stephen of Miller, " snorted Vlad.
"Vlad the Retailer! Damn, I was just about to kick an orphan and then you show up."
"I might have known you'd find a job with Trump," said Vlad. "What, Satan wasn't hiring?"
"Scoff if you will, Vlad," hissed Count Stephen. "I am ruining the lives of hard-working immigrants, destroying Medicaid, and overseeing a major measles outbreak thanks to that useful idiot, Robert F. Kennedy Jr."
"I see you are still giving vampires a bad name, Stephen," said Vlad.
"And that's saying something," I interjected, "since vampires suck the blood and very life out of humans."
Vlad shot me a look.
"But point well taken, Vlad."
"I aim to stop you," shouted Vlad, brandishing a large hypodermic needle.
"You know l don't believe in vaccines," snarled Stephen.
"You'll believe in this one," Vlad shot back. "It contains concentrated wolfbane with a dash of Star of David!"
With that Vlad leaped at Count Stephen and managed to jab the needle into Stephen's thigh, and the sinister Stephen of Miller fell to the ground.
"Did you just kill an immortal vampire?" I asked Vlad.
"No, it will only stun him for a while," Vlad said ruefully, "but at least he'll know that whenever Trump is out of power, we'll be ready for him."
Yep," said I, "notwithstanding Trump Insurrection 2.0."