Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Gazebo in Monroe Park (FF)

(Copyright David Stewart)

Wednesday nights in summer we'd all head down to the Gazebo in the middle of Monroe Park to hear the open air concerts.

The band consisted mostly of our fathers and grandfathers and truth to say, nobody was all that good. But the music was sweet, the nights were warm, and frankly there wasn't much else to do in the town.

All of us assumed it would last forever.

Now years later there hasn't been a concert since anyone can remember and all the band member have passed on.

Even the Gazebo is gone, replaced of all things by a McDonald's.

Now I can get me a Big Mac any time I want.  This is way better than those lousy concerts!


I was going to go serious until the last minute when I lost my nerve and nose dived into a virtual promo for McDonald's. Thus my contribution this week to the Friday Fictioneers consists of this lovely bit of nostalgia which reads more like nostalgia for an Egg McMuffin than for band concerts in summer. 

Click here for more palatable and tasty weekly fare from the other Friday Fictioneers.

Do you yet hear the music from long ago and far away?   Me neither, let's eat!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Alex Trebek Ruminates On His Career On the Last Day He Hosts Jeopardy

God, I'm so fucking sick of this.

First of all, this show has a ridiculous premise.  Who in his right mind would respond to a Jeopardy clue like "the Guillotine" with the question "What is bloody?"  

What is bloody???

In the real world if you were asked "What is bloody?" you would probably answer something like "the time of the month I can't get it on with my wife," not "the Guillotine." What a lame premise that Jeopardy gives you the "answer" and you come up with the "question!" All you do is slap "What is" on whatever you have to say to not lose control of the board.

I'll tell you what else is stupid ass: the Daily Double. When you land on a normal space on the board you immediately know the clue and amount of money at stake. Hit the Daily Double and you know neither! "That's a True Daily Double" I intone enthusiastically to the contestant seeking to double his money when what I mean is "You Are a True Moron, risking it all on a clue that might conceivably reduce Ken Jennings to a blubbering idiot." 

For all the feigned intellectuality Jeopardy brings to the tube, it sure as hell doesn't bring any sartorial splendor. Who developed the dress code for this show - the cast of Hee Haw?

None of our contestants ever seems to know how to put a shirt together with a sweater that doesn't leave you feeling like you've just dropped acid. OMG, just look at these three tonight: Our champion has sideburns down to his navel and his undershirt is so far above his outer shirt that I'm tempted to use it for a tablecloth.

The challenger in the middle is an over aged lady wearing lipstick nothing short of that of famed clown Emmett Kelly and enough jewelry to populate the tombs of a half dozen Egyptian potentates, and the guy on the end with the paisley shirt that makes him look like a gay hippopotamus would literally set off a tsunami of record force were he to bump bellies with Governor Christie.

Some people say I'm a little cold. They say I don't smile enough, that I'm not sympathetic to the feelings of kids on Jeopardy Teen Tournaments, and that I have no interest in the life stories of the contestants.  Yep, right on all counts!  

After 30 years, how could I possibly give a crap that our champion met his wife over an award-winning Mud Cake with Gummy Worms at a Pillsbury Bake-off in Wichita, Kansas or that Junior here took a break from masturbating to build a robot whose primary functionality is masturbating? Like I’m ever going to see these people again after I finish pretending to be listening to their palaver at the end of the show?

Frankly I'm only interested in the contestants with big boobs.  I'd love to go into Final Jeopardy with any one of them.

I wonder what Pat Sajak is thinking about my retiring. I hate that stupid smiley faced simp! I can't believe the guy was once actually given a late night talk show. He pulls down a talk show, I get Colonial Penn Life Insurance! He gets to chat up Paris Hilton, I’m hanging with lunch ladies obsessed with burial costs.

And, trust me, the benefit stinks.  It's not enough to bury a flea.

I guess the funniest thing is the way so many people think I know all the answers on Jeopardy.  Ha!  Except for Potent Potables, I hardly know any.  My mustache is way smarter than I am; when I shave it I can barely make it to the studio and back.

I wonder what retirement is going to be like.

The Jeopardy Clue: Another one of the annoying demands of the shrewish wife I somehow once found appealing until I was home all the time.

The correct Jeopardy Question: What is once and for all leave the goddamn toilet seat down, jerk!

See?  There's another example of the ridiculous premise of the show!

Note: This is a humor piece only and is not meant to actually depict or convey the true thoughts and/or opinions of the real Alex Trebek.  However, if I've actually hit it perfectly, that is so damn cool!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

On the Trail of the Blobbit (FF)

As they arrived in the clearing, Hayes and Biggins were certain they had at long last found what they sought.

"We've done it, Biggins!" said Hayes. "We've finally succeeded in tracking the Blobbit's lair by following his nightly call."

"And to think," replied Biggins, "neither you nor I has ever actually seen a Blobbit." 

"I'm going to inspect his dwelling place," ventured Hayes, as he cautiously approached the dwelling's entrance and entered.

"No, no, Hayes!"  cried Biggins.   

It was too late.  The entrance closed around Hayes, fully enveloping him.

"Blobbit!  Blobbit!  Blobbit!"

"Darn it," said Biggins, "another second and I'd have recognized the Blobbit's eyes and mouth!  But I'll bet you Friday Fictioneers saw this contrived ending coming a mile away."


Yeah, this is kind of your standard issue "wild creature or alien unexpectedly turns out to eat people" story.  I think it's registered as Lame Storyline No. 37A in the annals of "Friday Fictioneer Desperation," last published Feb, 2013.

But what do you want from me?  I haven't had my laptop in a week. I'm lucky I still remember how to type!  At least you have about 100 other stories to chose from, none of them hopefully mentioning the Blobbit or any fascimile thereof, by clicking here.

"Blobbit!  Blobbit!  Blobbit!"  I gotta say that Hayes was tasty!

Monday, March 16, 2015

"Bye, Future Car," Part II

                                            "Bye, Future Car"
A New Version of a TV Commercial You've No Doubt Seen

The guy from the first commercial and his wife are standing in front of their lovely suburban home about to get into their late model Audi. As he climbs into the driver's seat he gives his wife a kiss on the cheek, upon which a strange man comes up behind them.

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Of course, she's my wife.  Who are you?"

"Oh, hi, I'm the Second Husband."

"What do you mean?  We just got married."

"Correct.  You're the first husband, and I'm the second.  One, two." 

"Honey, get in the car!"

"Funny how I'll be saying the exact same thing to her in eight years.  Five if you count the three years we'll be messing around behind your back."

"Messing around behind my ...?!!" 

"I hope you're not the kind of guy who likes to do things around the house. Because I'm so lazy I can't be counted on to flush the toilet, let alone put the toilet seat down."

"No, I like to do lots of ..."

"And what about Mudbone? I hope you make First Wife take care of him because he's always throwing up around leather and the only thing that mutt is good for is humping your leg!" 

"No, no, I love taking care of ..."

"Well, cut it out! You should think about me, and all the other husbands after me!"

"Husbands after you?!  How many are there?"

"Who knows? You know how relationships go these days, First Husband."

"I don't get it. Why would she ever dump me for you?"

"I should think you wouldn't have to ask that.  I have a lot of Italian blood."

"You're crazy!  Honey, let's get out of here!"

"Bye, Future Wife!"

"Don't talk to him, honey. Roll up the window!"

"Bye, Future House. Bye, Future Huge Chunk of First Husband's 401 (k) Account.  Bye Future Prestigious Country Club Membership First Husband Can No Longer Afford."

"Shut up!!  Leave us alone!!!"

"Oh, I forgot. There's one more thing."

"What's that?"

"Bye, Future Car."


Now I, Mudbone, am the star of two Audi Commercials!