Wednesday, October 29, 2014

That's It!

"But why does it have to be over, Jane?   Why?"

"For one thing, Jack, I don't like a bald man. Plus you have terrible breath,  you're too short for me, and speaking of short ..."

"But, what else?"

"You regularly blow your nose in the dinner napkin, you announce your farts, and  you're drunk most of the time on Ripple."

"But, what else?"

"You're not very smart, you think Ebola and ISIS is a comedy team,  your posture is scarcely better than Quasimodo's, and you're not even Jewish!"

"But ... but, what else?"

"That's it."

"That's it???"

"Yeah, that's ... that's ... it.  Huh.  Know what, Jack?"

"What, Jane?"

"I love you!  Be mine!"

("The old 'that's it???,' folks. Works every time!")


And that's it for this week's Friday Fictioneers story based on the picture prompt above. Tuck away this little technique should you ever need it if you are the kind of person who announces his farts and blows his nose in the table napkin.

Clearly none of the other Friday Fictioneers will ever need this technique, not even Russell, who probably comes the closest.  Check out their various and sondry story techniques by clicking here.

Well, Jane just called;  wonder what it could be?  Another glass of Ripple and I'm off!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

Halloween isn't just for kids.

Ghouls, monsters, vampires, and all manner of children of the night enjoy what music they make on Halloween because once a year they may mingle incognito among humans without anyone chasing  them with a stake, a silver bullet, or a boxed set of ABBA's greatest hits.

But how do you tell whether that becloaked or be-bloodied figure at your door on Halloween is hoping to cop a mini-butterfingers or chop off your butterfingers all the way up to your arm pit?

Here's how:

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

1)  That horrible, cackling, hideous old crone?  Probably your wife.

2) Are there mindless corpse-like creatures shrieking "brains, brains, we need brains!" stumbling up the street?  They're not zombies, they're 14 year olds coming out of the latest Adam Sandler movie.

3)  If the 6 year old at your door asks if he can have an extra chocolate bar for the Invisible Man who is standing right next to him, you have just met the world's youngest con artist or the world's shyest Invisible Man.

4)  If a 4 foot 3 inch Godzilla in a phony looking costume comes to your door, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block.

5) If a 400 foot Godzilla rips off the front of  your house, breathes fire and incinerates your family, and bites you in half with razor sharp six foot long teeth and ingests every bloody part of  you, it is not Godzilla but Maxie Farbman from the next next block, Herschel's older brother. There is no real Godzilla, idiot!

6) Did a little old lady get mutilated late last night?  Yep, Werewolves of London.

7) If you see a man coming down the street with a blood stained chainsaw and a horrific expression on his face, he is not the maniac from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he's a Jewish guy who just came from trying to do home repair.

8) Star Wars characters you see on Halloween are definitely kids in costumes.  The actual characters are way too busy to be trick or treating.  However, any Luke Skywalkers are Mark Hamill.

9) If a skeleton comes to your door, eats a Milky Way, and you can watch it travel all the way down his alimentary canal and drop out his rear end, that's a real skeleton.  And, for God's sake, clean up that disgusting Milky Way turd on your doorstep already!

10) If  Batman comes to  your house and talks your ear off about how bad it sucks that  Ben  Affleck is  playing him in the upcoming movie, it's really Batman.

11) If the vampire at the door recoils at the sight of a cross, casts no reflection in a mirror, and looks admiringly at the nape of your neck, you might want to cancel any beach trips for the next 800 years.

12) That lumbering, inarticulate, growling hulk?  Probably your husband.

13)  If the guy dressed all in red with a tale and horns asks if he can exchange the mini-size Milky Way for your immortal soul, he is either the Devil incarnate or Wayne La Pierre of the National Rifle Association.

14)  If a child comes to your door and says "Trick or Treat for UNICEF" and you're a ring-wing Fox News-loving survivalist, that child would be the scariest creature of all!

15) Was his hair perfect?  Yep, Werewolves of London again.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

An Authentic Scots Restaurant

Copyright The Reclining Gentleman
(w/ Nessie courtesy of Douglas McIlroy)

“Well, we gave it our all these six long months."

"I know, Amy. You and I combed every square inch of that lake and still no Nessie!"

"Don't berate yourself, Henry. It wasn't a total failure.  At least we did find the lost city of Atlantis."

"So what?  They were nothing but an impediment with their attempts to contact us about their stupid immortality ray!" 

"You're right, they did get in the way.  Want to take one last look at the lake?"

"What's the point? It'll just bum us out.  Let's go eat."

"Where to?"

"How about an authentic Scot's restaurant?   McDonalds!"

My first instinct when I saw this week's Friday Fictioneers' picture prompt was to have one of the two characters sitting on the bench turn to the other and say "Boy, Amy, Renee Zellweger really looks different this time!" 

But ultimately I opted for the more traditional tale of the search for Nessie, especially since I was able to bring it home for an uber-respectable 102 words. BTW, you can bring home some uber-entertaining stories from the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking right here.

Now if you don't mind, I'm taking me a deep breath and checking out that immortality ray. God, I hope I don't run into Nessie ... or Renee Zellweger!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Youth Serum Scam

                                                                                                                      In the style of  the Onion*

Youth Serum a Scam Protests Area Man, Now Only 15 Years Younger

Area Man Perry Block has reported that a so-called "youth serum" he purchased from an infomercial on late night television has turned out to be a scam.   Mr. Block stated to authorities that he only became younger by 14 or 15 years, not the 20 years promised.

"When I saw the infomerical starring former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson," said the formerly 64 year old from Havertown PA who is now 50 years old, "I naturally thought it was credible and 20 years off my age sounded agreeable enough. So I purchased the product for $9.99 and even called within 15 minutes and got the free measuring cup."

"Then I started using the serum and sure enough all my wrinkles vanished and I regrew most of my hair except  for a nickle sized spot in the back and I did look and feel  much better. But then one night I was making passionate love with a  25 year old model and after only about one hour, I simply wore out! 

"Can you imagine what kind of an excuse I would have had to come up with if she hadn't already passed out herself from sheer pleasure?"

Mr.  Block's doctor broke the cold, hard news to him:  Mr. Block was now only 50 years old, not the promised age of 44.

"Sadly, we see scams like this all the time," said consumer fraud attorney Roger Fortis. "I had a woman bought a set of kitchen utensils which promised to make her the gastronomical toast of four continents. Yes, she did become that, but what about New Zealand?  What about New Zealand?!"

"Perhaps saddest of all," said Attorney Fortis, "was the gentleman who bought Kevin Trudeau's book  Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About only to discover to his dismay that once he had read about the cures "they" didn't want him to know about, "they" only beat the crap out of him and left him for dead, but didn't actually kill him!"

Mr. Block is hoping to start a class action suit, but admits it will be difficult  to track down other aggrieved parties to join the suit when most of them are busily climbing Mt. Everest, training for the Decathlon,  and/or having sex with an endless array of supermodels for whom they haven't even bothered to prepare an excuse.


 *I didn't say as good as the Onion, just in the style of!