Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The Library at Emmetsville

The Library at Emmetsville had been the center of this small New England town since the 18th Century.  Folks from far and wide congregated there to read, learn, and discuss ideas.

But in the early 21st Century most people stayed home, glued to the Internet. And after a number of cutbacks, it was decided the library would close.

Then a massive virus struck the Internet, wiping out half of all the books ever written, over 80% of existing cat videos, and dinner reservations at Olive Gardens nationwide.

Confidence in the Internet extinguished, people turned back to books and the Library once more became the center of Emmetsville.  And the Internet, well, there would always need to be a home for cat videos.


So a computer virus saves the books of the world. Great!  But most importantly, if you have a reservation at Olive Garden anywhere in the United States, it also saves you!

That's the story today according to my Friday Fictioneers response to the prompt above.  The responses of the many other Fictioneers are available by clicking here, so please click away and then how about we meet over at the Library at Emmetsville to discuss them? 


Monday, November 24, 2014

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is one holiday that tends to get lost in the shuffle, and that's a darn shame. 

This is one of the few holidays that truly commemorate a meaningful event in American history, a special day when English settlers and Native Americans sat down together to carve up a turkey between them.  For the next 300 years thereafter, most of the carving between them would be of each other.

So let's take a moment this Thanksgiving, preferably after we're overdosed on tryptophan, and give thanks for whatever we're most thankful for, such as: 

I am thankful that ....

1) I am thankful for all of you who read my blog. May you never acquire better taste in reading.

2) I am thankful that I do not have a sign on my back that says "kick me" that is left over from high school. The one I have is from Law School. 

3) I am thankful that I have never been drugged and used for sex by Bill Cosby, but then again, how would I know?

4) I am thankful that turkey and stuffing do not have an overt sexual relationship, because getting through Thanksgiving dinner is tough enough.

5) I am thankful we do not have a loudmouth racist uncle at our Thanksgiving dinner table, although I am getting rather sick of our loudmouth racist aunt

6)  I am thankful that the Zombie Apocalypse has never come on Thanksgiving because it would be a shame to waste an entire turkey on the holiday.  Brains you can eat anytime!

7) I am thankful for giblet gravy, mostly because I just love saying the word "giblet."

8) I am thankful to President Obama for pardoning a turkey so that I don't have to feel guilty about ripping the living shit out of the one I've got here.

9) I am thankful that HBO's The Newsroom is back on the air because after an hour or so of listening to Aaron Sorkin dialogue I just naturally feel smarter, even if I have no idea WTF anybody's talking about.

10) I am thankful that I have the opportunity to live in the greatest country in the world, and once I figure out where it is, I'm so there!

11) I am thankful for literature, poetry, and art. Without being able to fake an interest in them, I'd almost never have any dates.

12) I am thankful that I do not know even one person prone to shouting "Hurrah for the Pumpkin Pie!" because given what Pumpkin Pie actually tastes like, I would have to shoot them.

13) I am thankful that women about whom I have fantasies are not telepathically able to link into them because then only women over 350 pounds would talk to me.

14) I am thankful that spiders do not carry handguns. 

15) I am thankful that my name is not Bluesette.

16) I am thankful actor James Franco is not a member of our family because I already feel inferior enough what with the most accomplished member of our family being a reasonably well-trained schnauzer.

17) I am thankful that dogs do not burst into flames when you pet them.

18) I am thankful for Thanksgiving, one of the best holidays there is.  May it nevermore get lost in the shuffle.

So what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?  

Spill it, dudes!

But remember if it's pumpkin pie, I might just have to shoot you.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

Oh, Pardon Me!

Speaking jointly today, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner blasted President Obama for his announced intention to utilize Executive Authority to accomplish one of his major stated goals before the end of 2014.

"Here we are witnessing another shameless power grab by this Imperial President," said Speaker Boehner. "Nowhere in the Constitution is authority given to the President of the United States to pardon a turkey!  Not on Thanksgiving, not on Ronald Reagan's Birthday, not on any day."

"If he can pardon a turkey without Congressional action,"  added Mr. McConnell, "can he pardon a chicken?  What about shellfish?  There's no end to it!"

Both men were adamant that the pardoning of any form of wildlife must be approved by Congress after the selected animal has first been thoroughly vetted by the House Wildlife and Fisheries Committee.  "Prior to any pardon being granted,"  said Mr. McConnell,"Congress must be satisfied that the turkey is not a socialist, a Communist, or especially tasty."

"If the President persists in his current reckless behavior,"  Mr. Boehner and Mr. McConnell warned "he and the turkey are in for a very rude awakening!"

By day's end former Republican governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had weighed in on the controversy as well.  "From the window of my house," said Palin, "I can see Turkey." *


*In fairness, Palin never said she could see Russia from her house in Alaska. What she said was "you can actually see Russia from an island in Alaska," which is accurate.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Michelin Man Comes to Mewly (FF)

Once a thriving small town in the middle of Kansas, Mewly had fallen on hard times, and nothing symbolized the town's decline more than the shuttered Middleham Motors.

Old battered tires were strewn throughout the site.

But one day an excited Mayor Jane Sibly announced she had found a buyer for Middleham.

"Who is the buyer?" asked the residents of Mewly.

“You won’t believe this:  it’s the famous Michelin Man! He’s coming tomorrow.”

But everyone was worried.  There was no time to clean up the site.

The next day the Michelin Man flew into Mewly.  As he arrived at Middleham Motors, everyone held their breaths.

“Mom! Dad!” he cried, ”You’re here!”  

Today, Mewly is the Tire Capitol of the World.


That's quite a tender and poignant reunion between the Michelin Man and his folks I closed with here, and for those of you who don't think I can write tender and poignant, you're right.  I paid Russell plenty to write that sequence.

To kick the tires of other Friday Fictioneers' entries on this week's prompt, please kick ... I mean, click here.

Say, need any tires while you're here in Mewly? We got a great sale going on the Michelin Man's Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Bud.