Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trump Jam!

The long awaited pairing of two great American icons!

Donald Trump        Bugs Bunny

The fun-filled story of a Presidential campaign pitting a mean-spirited bully against a free-spirited bunny!

Debate One:  You're the Puppet

Trump: You're the puppet!

Bugs: No, you're the puppet, Doc!

Trump: No, you're the puppet!

Bugs: No, you're the puppet!

Trump: No, you're the puppet!

Bugs:  No, I'm the puppet!

Trump:  No, I'm the puppet! That's right, I'm absolutely positively the puppet!

Bugs: Okay, Doc, have it your way.  You're the puppet.

Trump:  Well, thank you, Bugs.  I am the puppet for sure, because ..... wait a minute OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!


Bugs: Of course you know this means war! 

Debate Two: His Darling Daughter

Trump: I'm building a wall and the Mexicans are going to pay for it.

Bugs: You'd be lucky to get Ricardo Montalban to pay for it, Doc.

Trump:  I'm bringing back jobs to America!  

Bugs: The only jobs you're bringing back to America are the kind that leave teeth marks.

Trump:  You wascally wabbit!  Now you've got me studderwing!

Bugs: You never sounded so smart in your life, Doc. But I wonder, Doc: don't you at all know the difference between truth and lies? 

Trump:  All twuth is welative, Bugs.  And while we're talking about welatives, have you seen my daughter?  She's weally hot!

Bugs;  Oh, I know,Doc.  I found out all about that last night.

Trump: What?!! What a nasty wabbit!

Bugs: Don't worry, Doc. Her pussy's already been grabbed more times than a shortstop's crotch.


Bugs:  What a maroon! 

Debate Three: Keep America Safe

Trump: I know more about ISIS than the Generals!  

Bugs: You mean the New Jersey Generals, right, Doc?  They're out of business, by the way. 

Trump: Nobody is less misogynistic than me.

Bugs: Good to hear, Doc.  Can you spell "misogynistic?"

Trump:  Spell it?  I don't even know what the fuck it means.  But I, Donald J. Trump, am going to keep America safe.

Bugs: What was that, Doc?

Trump: Keep America safe! 

Bugs:  I didn't hear that. How are you gonna keep America?

Trump: Safe! Safe! I said SAFE!

Bugs: That's what I thought you said!

Acme Safe Company
cuckoo   !!!!SMASH!!!!!  cuckoo 

Bugs:  Ain't I a stinker?

Election Night

Wolf Blitzer:  That's it , folks, Bugs Bunny has swept the electoral vote, the popular vote, and the Chachi vote.  The next President of the United States is Bugs Bunny!

Bugs: Gosh, thanks, Doc.  Any carrots come with that?

Trump:  So unfair!  The whole thing is rigged. The election's been fixed!

Bugs: Did you say fixed, Doc?

Trump:  Right!  I said FIXED!

Bugs:  Fixed I can take care of right now.  Too bad they didn't do it to your father 71 years ago.


Bugs:  What an ignor-a-mus!

Well, that's our picture, folks.  Make sure and come visit me at the White House if ever you're in town. We can discuss infrastructure development and border security and I'll have my man Trump whip you up a nice souffle. 

Hey, Trump, where are you?  Do I have to lock you up? Where is that Loony Tune anyway?   

If you liked this post you might also like like  Scientists Hail Discovery of "Trump is an Asshole" Gene, Donald J. Trump's Guide to Sexual Harassment, and The Most Disliked Nominees in History. If you hated this post, I hope your daughter marries Rudy Giuliani and they have a daughter who looks just like him named Trumpelini who lives in your basement until she's 40! 

Saturday, November 5, 2016

I've Rigged the Vote for Hillary!

Don't worry, folks, I took care of it.  They all say "HILLARY!"

You'll be pleased to know, folks, that I have now pretty much fully rigged the voting for President on Tuesday in Pennsylvania. Whenever anyone in Pennsylvania tries to vote Trump or Johnson, the voting machine will register Hillary Clinton.

You're welcome very much!

I couldn't manage to figure out how to rig things in a similar manner with respect to Stein, but that's only 3 or 4 votes. So, let the Green Party honcho have a thrill or two!

I'm honored the Democratic Party chose me to be the one to rig things for Hillary in Pennsylvania. To think that right here in the Birthplace of American Democracy I've been specially selected to undermine democracy brings a tear to my eye, a warm feeling to my chest, and many wads of cash to my bank account in the Cayman Islands.

Why was I selected? I believe it was because I am someone who flies under the radar. The last significant act I did to distinguish myself in the realm of politics was to scream at Wolf Blitzer "Goddamit, ask a decent follow-up question already!" and "Wolf, dye the beard. It's aging."

I have to laugh at that idiot Trump. He blathers on about how the vote in Pennsylvania is going to rigged even though he knows the vote in Pennsylvania is not going to be rigged except it really is going to be rigged. Golf with Putin this weekend is going to be really strange for both of them.

Now, folks, this is crucial: we have to keep this information strictly confidential!

So don't send it to Hillary.

And, by the way, get set for a Philadelphia Phillies World Series. Now that I've got the hang of rigging stuff, you ain't seen nothing yet!


Thursday, November 3, 2016

Down Old Route 66 (FF)

© Jean L. Hays
FF-Friday Fictioneers
“How can I help you folks?” said kindly old Russell Gayer as he approached the young couple just stopping at his service station.

“Excuse me, sir” said the young man, “but is this really Route 66? That’s not what my map or GPS says.”

“Oh, yes, sir, it is Route 66!  Say, would you folks like some APCO gas?  I’ve also got APCO Oil, APCO Spark Plugs, APCO …”

“Oh, no, thank you, we just needed directions.”

The young couple continued down the road. When they were out of sight kindly old Russell Gayer planted his hands on his hips and laughed.

“Two more souls for my master Lord APCO, son of Satan! Been much easier to trap them since I removed the third 6 from the sign.”


Sorry to introduce such a terrifying character in this story and I didn't mean to cause you nightmares, but that kindly old Russell Gayer is awfully scary when he's badgering you about buying APCO products.  I don't know about you, but  I came away with an APCO raincoat and APCO chocolate candy with raisins.

Well, let's all calm down by reading the tales based on the picture prompt above by the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking here.

Oh, no, here comes kindly old Russell Gayer again! Okay, okay, I'll take the APCO underwear!

Monday, October 31, 2016

Dystopia 1950's!

A Tale of the Future Told Through
 Advertising Slogans of the Past 
 (Slogan List Below)

John stumbled through the wreckage that was his basement and pushed aside the shattered door to the outside.  All around him was devastation and rubble. Where were the colors of nature, the green, the red, the yellow? 

He wondered where the yellow went.

John found a package of cigarettes in the dirt and lit up. The cigarette tasted good like a cigarette should. Down the road he saw a young woman approaching.

"Please, sir, I beg you," said the young woman. "May I have a cigarette?"

John extended the pack toward her. "You've got your own cigarette now, baby. You've come a long long way."

"I have come a long way indeed," she replied. "I feel like I've seen the whole USA on foot! Frankly I'd rather see the USA in my Chevrolet." 

"What has happened?" John asked.

"It was that maniac President Trump," the girl shouted.He let his fingers do the walking on the nuclear button!"

"Oh, no!  And Snap, Crackle, Pop, everything was gone?"

"Yes, but I did my part. I voted for Hillary."

"Me too," said John.  "If only Hillary had won we could have doubled our pleasure, doubled our fun."

"May I travel with you?" asked the girl. "I'm Allison." 

"Yes, Allison," said John, "but I have no means of transport either.  In fact I'd walk a mile for a camel."

"A camel?" Allison laughed. “I’d be willing to take a greyhound, and I'd drive it too."

"That way we could Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us."

John and Allison set out on an arduous journey in search of any others who may have survived. Suddenly a storm kicked up!  

"Allison, let's find cover.  When it rains, it pours!

"If only we'd brought an umbrella, John," Allison cried.

"You're right.  From now on don't leave home without it!"

"So much water everywhere, Allison!"

"You know, you're soaking in it!"

"Look, it's finally slowing down!"

"Oh, that's good! Good to the last drop.”

As the storm ended, the two continued on their way.

"Did you know, John, before the cataclysm there was a train used to regularly travel through here?"

"Yes, I do. Once upon a time there was an engineer. Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear."

"He had an engine and he sure had fun. He used GOOD & PLENTY candy to make his train run."

"Talk about alternative energy!" said John.

Allison and John continued their journey through the barren landscape.
The longer they were together, John began to wonder "Does she or doesn't she?"  Although he was embarrassed about his frankly small size, one night he could take it no longer and made his move.

"Where's the beef?" asked Allison.

"Trust me," said John. “A little dab'll do ya.  

"M’m! M’m! Good! Allison moaned.

“It melts in your mouth, doesn't it?” said John, “not in your hand!”

How did you get to be so wonderful at sex, John?” cooed Allison.

"We try harder."

"Well, everything was finger lickin' good!"

The next day the two set off again.  After they’d walked a number of miles, John turned to Allison and said “I’ve a feeling we’re going to come to a village full of very nice people.”

“Do you promise me?” she said.

“Yes, I promise, but I don’t yet know the name of the village.”

A few miles later they saw a sign that said “Arpege.”

I promised you anything, but I gave you Arpege,” said John.

As they approached the village a tall friendly man came to greet them.

“My name is Marlboro," he said. "Welcome to Arpege, also known as Marlboro Country."

“How have you and your people survived, Mr. Marlboro?” asked John.

"Only those morons that voted for Trump were destroyed.
When that idiot Trump pushed the nuclear button, every person who was stupid enough to vote for him perished!"

 “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!" added Marlboro.

“Now we can rebuild civilization," Marlboro continued. "Our motto is LSMFT.”  

“Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco?”

“No. Let’s Start Making a Future Together.”

"May we help you?" asked Allison."

"Yes, of course.  But first I must ask what you two think of our plans for a future without Trump?" 

John and Allison looked at one another and then raised their voices as one:

“They’re Grrrrrreat!”

The End

List of Slogans

Most of the commercial slogans in the story above are from the Fifties with a smattering from the 60's and/or 70's.   In order, they are:

1) You'll wonder where the yellow went, when your brush your teeth with Pepsodent. 

2) Winston Tastes Good Like a Cigarette Should.

3) You've got your own cigarette now, baby. You've come a long long way.  Virginia Slims cigarettes.

4) See the USA in your Chevrolet

5) Let your fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages.

6) Snap, Crackle, Pop, Rice Krispies

7) Double your pleasure, double your fun. Double Mint Gum. 

8) I'd walk a mile for a Camel.  Camel Cigarettes.

9) Go Greyhound and Leave the Driving to Us. Greyhound Buses.

10) When it rains, it pours. Morton's Salt.

11) Don't leave home without it. American Express

12) You're soaking in it. Palmolive Liquid with Madge the manicurist.

13) Good to the last drop. Maxwell House Coffee

14) Once upon a time there was an engineer. Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear. He had an engine and he sure had fun. He used GOOD & PLENTY candy to make his train run. Good and Plenty

15) Does she or doesn't she? Clairol

16) Where's the Beef?  Wendy's

17) A little dab'll do ya. Brylcreem

18) M’m! M’m! Good!  Campbell's Soup

19) It melts in your mouth, not in your hand! M&M's

20) We try harder. Avis Rent-a-Car

21) Finger Lickin' Good. Kentucky Fried Chicken

22) Promise her anything but give her Arpege. Arpege Perfume.

23) Come to Marlboro Country. Marlboro Cigarettes

24) Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.  Alka-Seltzer  

25) LSMFT.  Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. 

26) “They’re Grrrrrreat!”  Tony the Tiger.  Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.