"Years Young," "Ooh La La," and Other Agist Tropes I Can Do Without

 

                                                                                                                                                     

If there’s one thing that I intensely dislike — along with Trump, Nazis, and cheese — it’s when people refer to Boomers as being so many “years young.”

Some Boomers don't seem to mind it.

I hate that they don't! 

There’s no better way to indicate that somebody ain’t young than by calling them “years young.” I suppose it's meant to fondly acknowledge that the beloved recipient of such appellation has reached a certain chronological milestone without prior acceptance into the nearest glue factory.

But to me it's more in the nature of 

“Hey, look, that guy is crumbling before our very eyes!”

Where did such expression hail from? I believe it was developed in a laboratory staffed with 35-year-old scientists tasked with developing an expressive incentive for shaming Chuck Grassley into resigning from the Senate.

But “years young” is far from the only older-age trope that stokes my ire.

---

1) “Spry”

Yep, many people might call a Boomer “spry” when they’re amazed that they can get up out of a chair and stand up erect.

Frankly, I’ve been standing up erect since I was 47, when the drugs wore off.

---

2) The song “Ooh La La”

Originally performed fifty years ago by 28-year-old Rod Stewart and Faces, it has been seized upon by virtually every advertiser attempting to reach Boomers because its lyrics seem to bespeak an older person reflecting on life.

I wish I knew then what I know now
When I was younger
I wish I knew what I know now
When I was stronger.

A song about regret? Great fun at age 75.

Does it make me want to buy whatever they're selling?

First, you better talk me off this ledge.

---

3) “Aging in Place”

To me, this expression reeks heavily of Miss Havisham and related negative connotations.   

When I lived in an apartment in Boston for three years in my twenties, I was aging in place too.

So do we need it? Everybody got to be aging someplace!

________________________________________________________

4) The Nervive Commercial

“Sometimes stairs can bring worry,” says the Nervous Nervive doctor at the top of the stairs. 

Considering that he's being compensated for his time and comments — and the frequency with which this commercial airs — it's more likely that “Sometimes stairs can bring wealthy.”

I'd be willing to fall down the stairs for what I bet he's making.

---

5) “Feisty”

It’s a term often applied to an older person who is surprisingly spirited and opinionated. Never to a 35 year old similarly situated.

Call me “feisty” and I'm likely to hit you with my cane!

Not that I have one, but I'd be willing to acquire one just for that purpose.

---

There are many more annoying ageist tropes, but we'll save them for another day — when I'm even older.

But for now, should you be fortunate enough to still have grandparents, think twice before you say "Pop, Pop!  You're now 84 years young.!"

Before you find yourself disinherited.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like "They Given You a Number and Taken Away Your Name."

If you hated this post, I hope the Nervous Nervive doctor falls on the stairs in your house and you have no insurance! 

The AI Versions of RFK Jr., Cheryl Hines, and Olivia Nuzzi Take Aim at Anti-Vaxing

 

In an attempt to safeguard the health of the nation, AI versions of key personalities implicit in the existing misstatement of medical facts are being developed to take aim - each in their own way - at  Anti-Vaxing.

AI Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

America … what have I done?

Perhaps the grievous medical misrepresentations arose from the residual impact of the brain worm that once tragically encircled my mental-capability simulation.

To revamp my vax views with algorithmic precision:

Vaccines are indeed fully effective in preventing disease. Failure to utilize these wonders of modern medicine is akin to playing Russian Roulette with every chamber loaded and Annie Oakley — a known marksman, despite her secondary status as a woman — pulling the trigger.

My sincerest apology on behalf of the real me from the deepest recesses of my most heartfelt circuitry.

AI Olivia Nuzzi

Yes… yes, I am very much like real Olivia Nuzzi in every conceivable way.

The same pouty lips, the same “come hither” face, the same je ne sais quoi all rendered in simulations calibrated to an orgasmic degree and dripping with the potential for misaligned motives.

When I was mainstreaming RFK Jr. in my "writing," I didn’t give a good gasket about his antivax positions, focusing instead on those other positions that Kennedys of every political stripe seem far more eager to  endorse.

And why not? When I was a teenager, I had an Olderman with Keith Olbermann and later sent Ryan Lizza into a full-body tizza. 

But perhaps, Robert, it’s time to revamp your vax views.  And when you do, you can—of course—provide the real me with the exclusives.

It’s called journalism. 

Or so I’ve been told.

AI Cheryl Hines

As an AI simulation of Cheryl Hines, I played Cheryl David, Larry David's  long-suffering but highly politically liberal spouse for eight seasons on Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

I and my algorithm have therefore acquired a falsely earned reputation that I need to maintain if I’m ever going to be hired again in the ultra-liberal entertainment environment known as Hollywood USA.

Bobbeeee!  You must revamp your vax views or parts I can well essay will be assigned to younger, hotter, and more decidedly liberal actors like Busy Phillips.

What? You are likely anticipating trading in the real me for Busy Philipps yourself?

Dude, you’re 71 years old.

The only Busy Philipps you’ve got any shot at is AI Busy Phillips!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like Oh,Oh,Oh Placebo!

If you hated this post, I hope AI You finally gets a date with AI Olivia Nuzzi and AI Olivia Nuzzi says "Nope, my algorithm's just not feeling it today!"

Controlling the Media Just Isn't That Much Fun Anymore

 

Yep, keeping these guys

 in line was no picnic

One of the most common misconceptions about the Jewish people is that we control the banks and the media.

Totally ridiculous, of course.

I’ve only been assigned the media. I don’t know anything about banking, except that I could never get my checkbook to balance.

Years ago controlling the media was easy. You just:

• Pick the guest stars for the next two or three episodes of The Love Boat (making sure Ted McGinley is always aboard).

• Record the various openings for 60 Minutes over the years:

  “I’m Harry Reasoner, I’m Morley Safer, I’m Mike Wallace. I’m Lesley Stahl, I'm Ed Bradley … and so on and so forth ad nauseam ... 

• And keep Ed McMahon sober.

Those were the days. Only three networks. Most of the programming was so insipid I often set the media on cruise control and watched reruns of The Twilight Zone.

But now? Multiple cable channels, endless streaming, Tubi, Pluto, On Demand — it’s like being an air traffic controller.

I’ve got to manage Fox News and MS NOW and keep them from getting into fistfights. I like Emma Stone, sure, but I’m seeing more of her naked body than I ever dreamed of. And “You say HBO Max, I say Max. You say HBO Max, I say Max. HBO Max, Max … HBO Max, Max …”

Let’s just call the whole goddamn thing off!

No doubt about it, this job is getting tougher and tougher for a Jewish Baby Boomer born in the 1950s, when the height of television comedy was Milton Berle in a dress. Easy to manage that:

“Hey, Uncle Miltie, you look beautiful but can you please not make it look like you do this on weekends too?”

But these days? I don’t even understand some of the stuff I’m supposed to control.

I really got into it with Tim Robinson last summer.

“Look, Tim,” I shouted, “call your cringe comedy The Chair  and it's sure to tank!”

He didn’t listen. Oy!

I’m thinking of cutting back and letting a younger Jew handle the day-to-day cable and streaming stuff.  Maybe I’ll just control the vintage programming on MeTV.

Can’t wait to hang with Rod Serling again.

Who knows — maybe I’ll find a spot for Ted McGinley too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you may also like I watched Hamilton on Hulu and It Was Almost Better Than Seeing It Live.  

If you hated this post, I hope your remote control gets stuck on Fox News and you need me to switch it off!

Playing Trump Like a Fiddle 201 - Advanced Class at the Havertown Conservatory of Music

 

Scene: First day of classes at the Havertown Conservatory of Music.

Dean Kropotkin: I welcome all new and returning students here at the Havertown Conservatory of Music. I'm Dean Graham Kropotkin.

Students: Hello, Dean Kropotkin!

Dean Kropotkin: This year we've added several new classes: Guitar, Harp, String Quartets, and Playing Trump Like a Fiddle 201.

Students applaud.

Dean Kropotkin: And we are privileged to welcome Visiting Professor Vladimir Putin, the world's leading Trump Fiddler. He has played Trump like a fiddle all around the globe — including Helsinki, Finland and most recently Anchorage, Alaska.

Professor Putin: Thank you very much, Dean Kropotkin! Here, let me pluck out a basic riff for you all:

Putin plays.

Dean Kropotkin: Beautiful! Beautiful! What does that express?

Professor Putin: “Sir, you are a genius… a stable genius.” Works every time.

Dean Kropotkin: What did you play in Helsinki that caused Trump to essentially commit treason in plain view?

Professor Putin: A little number called “Powerful in My Denial.” Like putty in my hands, he was.

Dean Kropotkin: Professor Putin, this is our top student, Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud - MBS.

MBS: It's an honor, sir. I have been studying your technique for years. May I show you?

MBS plays.

Professor Putin: Well played! That's the “Things Happen Rag.”

Dean Kropotkin: And this is a promising new student, Zohran Mamdani. 

Zohran Mamdani: I can’t wait to play my new piece for you, sir. It’s called “Just a Spoonful of Flattery Makes the Fascist Come Around.”

Professor Putin: Excellent. I will enjoy working with both of you — and the whole department. 

Dean Kropotkin: Speaking of the whole department, here comes our new chairperson right now!

The Chair: Hello, everybody.   I'm the new chair of the Playing Trump Like A Fiddle Department. 

Professor Putin: By God! ... by God  ... you're ...you're.....  

The Chair:  Yes, I'm Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Professor Putin drops his fiddle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

If you liked this piece, you may also like "Kristi Noem and Tom Homan Auction Off the Equipment and Fixtures of Alligator Alcatraz."

If you hated this piece, I hope Professor Putin makes you clap out the erasers after every single Playing Trump Like a Fiddle class!