Sunday, March 19, 2017

Nothing to Budge About the Budget












Hey, Kid!  Fuck You!


Like you, I was critical at first when I heard the news about draconian cuts in Trump's budget for fiscal year 2018.

But as I review it now in a thoughtful manner I find the budget is far less draconian than I thought. In fact, it's almost conian! Let me explain why there's nothing to budge about the budget.


Meals on Wheels, which was initially slated to be eliminated under the budget, has now been resurrected in modified form.  It seems that all legislators with even the tiniest percentage of a heart (i.e. Average Republican Percentage, 2016 - 22%)  truly understood the critical importance of underprivileged seniors being kept out of sight when they eat instead of having them forage for food. 

The revised program will be called Meals on Feet.  Delivery of some meals may be delayed in states with more than a half dozen residents.

The Breakfast Program for underprivileged children has also been scaled back a bit. Participating children will receive a nourishing breakfast of scrambled eggs scraped off the walls of homes of local dysfunctional families, two small rocks, and a container of milk with an expiration date from during the Obama Administration.

“There is no demonstrated proof that children who pass out in school do any worse than those who do not,” stated Mick Mulvaney, Director of the Office of Management and Budget.

National Public Radio will experience some minor changes in programming. Fortunately every afternoon at five we’ll all still be able to enjoy that venerable bastion of world news and affairs from around the globe All Things Cursorily Perused.  Fresh Air with Terry Gross will now feature Terry Gross interviewing Terry Gross for one hour five times a week, which will be every bit as fascinating as you'd think it would be.

And from now on, we'll just have to wait for Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

At the EPA, budget cuts will be limited only to those affecting the environment. Strong environmental protections remain in the budget including tough regulations regarding the dumping of hazardous waste on alternate Sundays and lengthy prison sentences for cows who damage the ozone layer by farting. Repeat farters will be executed and used for steaks and stuff.

Some other relatively insignificant cuts have been little noticed.

The country’s supply of oxygen will run at full force during the day and be turned off at night. Seminars on “Holding Your Breath in the Era of Trump” will be scheduled for all citizens in red states.  Guys named Ralph are also being dramatically cut back (you can only talk to, hang with, or have sex with a “Ralph” once a year) as are usages of the words "uvula," “antebellum,” and “Democrat.”
  
So are you still worrying about how the new budget will affect you?   I wouldn't worry much at all.

As long as you don't live in the United States, you’ll be fine.

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Saturday, March 18, 2017

My Wonderful Fabulous Marvelous Graphic for You

He may be an artist, 
But I sure ain't!


I've never been much of an artist.

Anytime I've tried to  draw the figure of a human being it always comes out looking like a stick figure, and the sticks are ugly sticks as well.  If I attempt a still life, it's usually dead on arrival.

That's why I always use pictures on the Internet to illustrate the opuses on my blog, breaking dozens of copyright laws in the so doing and opening me up to litigation worth thousands of dollars if anyone ever actually read my blog. Anonymity is my friend, and considering my social life I can use all the friends I can get.

Sometimes I have employed Internet pictures throughout a post to provide a sort of "picture book" for your enjoyment notwithstanding the fact that all of you hate them and I'm lucky to get close relatives, insomniacs, and confirmed masochists to read them. A few of them that I at the very least like are "Oh the Lame Places You'll Go" (a spoof of, well, you know), "The Cream of Wheat" (a spoof of the Internet humor site the Oatmeal) and "Dracula-an Epistolary Novel" (which posits the original novel recast in the age of Twitter, Facebook, and you yourself never coming up for air since 2008.)

Today I offer you a simple such graphic post presenting a message that has significant meaning for our time and even for an hour from now too.  There's no prize if you figure it out, but there is a very big prize for our nation should it come true.   

Unfortunately due to budget cuts that's the end of this post!


My Wonderful Fabulous Marvelous Graphic for You







4






2



THE
















of the






IN






















DUH!





TR +



!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Looking Forward to the Impeachment of the Baby-in-Chief Donald Trump!


1) Woman looking through binoculars
2) 4 - for
3) Ward Cleaver
4) to the
5) imp
6) peach
7) mint
8) of the
9) baby
10) in
11) chief
12) Don Corleone
13) Al Franken
14) Duh, to make "d" sound
14) Tr
15) Ump

And hopefully soon, we can call him out!


Thursday, March 16, 2017

Idiot Buys Stupid Gadget That Lets Him Watch TV Channels He Already Receives*


A local area stupid idiot has recently purchased that idiotic gadget they sell on television that enables you to watch the same broadcast television channels that you have always been able to watch for free.  It's difficult to believe anyone could be such a douchebag as to fall for this ludicrous scam.
The television commercial puts forth the ridiculous proposition that there's no need for anyone to purchase cable television because the moronic contraption, which costs twenty hard earned dollars, enables you to enjoy clear crisp reception of the very same broadcast television channels that you already receive in a clear crisp manner unless you are on a spaceship bound for one of those recently discovered seven planets 40 light years away.

"Why pay hundreds of dollars for cable and satellite channels you may never even watch?" says the sleazy pitchman on the television commercial that appeals only to persons of the lowest measurable intelligence quotient (IQ).

"You know he makes a lot of sense," marveled the mental midget just before ordering 6 or 7 of the totally worthless doo-hickeys. "I really miss HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, Starz, and all the other cable channels I used to love," commented the dumb shit, "but like the man on television says I was paying hundreds of dollars for cable and satellite channels I may never even watch, like the Spanish language ones. Now I can watch The Bachelor every week and get crisp clear reception!"

At the time of this posting, the cretin was sitting at home watching Two Broke Girls with a vaguely unsatisfied look on his dumbass face.

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*In the style of The Onion.  No, I didn't say as funny as The Onion, just in the style of!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

On Her Majesty's Secret Toaster Service



















My longstanding toaster finally gave up the ghost - along with the ghost of the toast - and I headed to my nearby Bed Bath & Beyond to seek a replacement. I wasn’t picky and frankly planned to pretty much buy whatever I could as fast as I could.

That is, until I saw out of the corner of my eye a strong silent model sitting by itself. The unit was striking in its dark, rather cruel good looks.

“Sir,” I said to the salesperson, “what is the name of that toaster?”

“Let me check,” he replied. “Oh, yes, it’s … it’s …


What a strange name for a toaster!  But I had to admit I was intrigued. Somehow I knew that James Bond Toaster Serial # 007 could not help but give me great toast, first time, every time.

That night about 2:00 A.M., I heard strange noises coming from the kitchen and I crept downstairs.  There I saw my new toaster burning to a crisp two large screaming hunks of Pumpernickel Bread!

“What the …?”

“Sorry, old chap,” said the Toaster, “had to turn the tables on these two hunks of bread that tried to choke me to death.”

“So it is true what everyone is saying. All kinds of electronic equipment like television sets, hair dryers, and can openers are being used in high level espionage these days.”

“Yes, it’s true," the Toaster replied. "Permit me to formally introduce myself:


“But why were you attacked by hunks of bread, Toaster Bond?”

“They were agents of the despicable villain that I’ve been trailing.”

“Who is that?”


"What does he want?"

“He wants to destroy the world as revenge for being cursed with tiny little fingers!"

The next few nights were uneventful as Toaster Bond continued surveillance of my kitchen. One night I heard my blender making high pitched fervent sounds for hours on end;  next day I couldn't get her to blend long enough to even make a halfway decent black and white shake.

Well, that's my Toaster!  That's my James!

Yet the presence of electronic and other spies throughout my house began to leave me unnerved, although I managed to hang on.  Yes, I was shaken but not stirred.

One morning the door to my refrigerator was ripped off its hinges and incinerated pieces of toast were everywhere!

“You just missed the obligatory last reel destruction of the villain’s secret headquarters!” said Toaster Bond sardonically. 

“Where was the headquarters?” I asked.

“In the meat keeper. You may want to run out and buy some eggs or something later on.”

“Did you catch Drumpfinger?”

“No, but it's only a matter of time. His tiny hands were all over the butter!"

"Are you leaving now, Toaster Bond?"  I asked.

"Yes, old chap.  M is reassigning me to another kitchen. Maybe even Chris Christie's."

“Toaster Bond, I’ve always wondered something.”

“Yes?”

“What does M stand for?”

“Microwave

Ha!  So my 1997 low wattage Sunbeam runs the entire international operation! I'll bet even Kellyanne Conway didn't know that.

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