Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Put On Your Hat And Coat, And Hat And Coat (FF)

FF - Flash Fiction
copyright - Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

"Look at the frost on the window, Micah!  How cold out it must be!"

"Yeah, it's like that this time of year, Z.  Makes you hate to go outside."

"Well, we gotta go, Micah. Put on your hat and coat.  And hat and coat.  And hat and coat."

"You too, Z.  Boy that's a thick coat; where'd you get it?" 

"Made it from the wool of half a dozen very hirsute sheep."

“Oh my god, it's freezing out here!  It must be minus 80 degrees!”

 “Sure wish we lived on a planet that only had four seasons, Micah. Like Earth.” 

“Right, Zontar!  Winter's bad enough; schlossertime's a killer!


Yep, next time you think it's too darn cold in winter, just be thankful we don't have schlossertime on Earth. It's so cold then that the holiday that falls during schlossertime features a visit from Old Father Anti Freeze. 

The other Friday Fictioneers' takes on the picture prompt above are available right here. And available for you winter, spring, summer, and schlosser!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my hat and coat.  And hat and coat.  And hat and coat.  

Monday, June 27, 2016

He Ain't Heavy, He's Chris Christie

I used to feel that it was totally wrong and inappropriate to make fat jokes about Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey.  Love him or hate him, his size was something largely beyond his control and jokes about someone's girth can be very cruel and hurtful.

Of course, I made fat jokes about Governor Christie all the time. They were just too hard to resist.  But I at least had the decency to feel like crap about making them and to flagellate myself daily for being such an insensitive boorish lout.

But things have changed. Christie has allied himself with Donald Trump, proving that he is a shameless opportunistic phony who cares more about his own personal advancement than about America and its citizens.  And also he is 
a big fat fucking slob!

Let the fatty jokes roll:

1) What happened for the first time when Chris Christie ran for President. 
He bit off more than he could chew.

2) What happened for the first time when Chris Christie ran for President. 
He ran.

3)What is Chris Christie's favorite sport?

4)Jersey Boys
Describe Chris Christie's man boobs.

5)Why was Chris Christie never indicted in the George Washington Bridge Scandal?
He couldn't fit through Bridgegate.

6)Did you hear the news?  
New Jersey has just declared hot fudge an endangered species!

7)What's the most Chris Christie has ever eaten at one time?
Well, it could be, but we all know what a liar Trump is.

8)What is Chris Christie's favorite desert?
Baked Alaska.

9) How big is Chris Christie's Asshole?
I dunno, how big is Trump?

10)Where would Chris Christie be most comfortable if he were ever elected President?
In the Oval Office. 

11)How do we know that Chris Christie is an environmentalist?
He's doing his best to preserve blubber.

12)In what way is Chris Christie's trying to take better care of himself. 
He's making it a point to drink eight bodies of water a day.

13)How are Chris Christie, a gullible person, and a hooker alike? 
None of them has ever found anything too big to swallow.

14)Why does Chris Christie support Trump?
Trump's hair looks like orange cotton candy to him.

15)What is Chris Christie's belt size?
To infinity and beyond!

16)Why does Chris Christie no longer go to the Jersey shore?
Tired of being harpooned.

17) Why did Chris Christie hug President Obama after Hurricane Sandy?
Thought he felt a Twinkie in Obama's left inside coat pocket.

18)What causes Chris Christie to run screaming from the room? 

Got any more?  You no longer need to feel guilty.  

C'mon, he's got it coming!


Saturday, June 25, 2016

If Automobiles Had Been Invented Before The Wheel

"Excuse me, young lady, I'd like some help please." 

"Of course, sir!   I'm here at the Toyota front desk to help with whatever you need!"

"Why, you're Jan, the pitch person for Toyota!"

"Yes, I am, sir!  And it's my job to make your Toyota shopping experience as pleasant as pleasant can be!"

"Well, then could you send someone else over? You're such a boring advertising construct you make Ted Cruz seem interesting!"

"But I'm the pretty face of Toyota, sir!"

"Sure, but you have all the personality of a 1994 Camry that's still on the road.  Who green lighted your commercials anyway? The same guy who green lighted Alice in Wonderland?"

"Sir, please, I'm here for you with a great big smile!"

"Oh, boy.  Okay, Jan, what Toyota would you recommend for a sports enthusiast like me?

"The Toyota Highlander, sir!"

"What are the particulars?"

"It is a  4-door, 7-seat Sport Utility,  equipped with a standard 2.7L, 4-cylinder, engine automatic transmission and four all season radial boxes."

"Radial boxes, you say?"

"Of course."

"What brand of boxes?"

"Michelin.  Nothing but the best boxes  for the Highlander!" 

"Is there a warranty on the boxes?  How far are they warrantied to go before you a need an emergency appointment with a chiropractor?"

"Either one week or 9 and a half blocks, whichever comes first."

"Now that's impressive!  Does Toyota pay for the first three appointments?"

"Of course, sir, and the first three surgeries too."

"Wow! May I go for a trial "thumpety-thumpety?"


"What a super smooth ride, Jan! I wasn't nauseous at all except for when I turned on the ignition right up to this moment now.

"That's wonderful, sir!  

"I'll bet with these Michelin boxes you could start out one day in Philadelphia and drive as far as you could each day, and be in New York in only one lifetime!"

"Glad you like the car, sir.  Too bad I can't play up to you to induce you to buy it, but that's just how lamely my character is drawn."

"You know, Jan, I'll bet one day somebody is going to invent something other than boxes for cars to ride on and cars will then be able go much further.  Like to the mailbox."

"I hope so, sir."

"Maybe somebody could round the corners  of each box to create a shape somewhat like the number '0'."

"Oh, sir!  Don't you think if that could be done, someone would have done it long ago?"

"I guess you're right, Jan.  Know what else?"


"Finally you're starting to appeal to me!"



Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The Houses Are Getting Bigger Fast! (FF)

Note to the Friday Fictioneers:  Well, I managed to do the wrong picture prompt this week, but I have a good excuse.  I looked at Rochelle's Facebook page and this picture is what shows with the words above it "a particular favorite of mine."  Now what was I to think?  There it all was.  Actually I think all of you are wrong and I'm right! So why don't you guys get with the program?


FF- Friday Fictioneers

Oh, Amelia, you were right this trip has been a waste of time!

I promised I would never leave you to go house hunting on my own but we have to find a new house now if we're going to move by next month.

Bash Brannigan of TFOA Realty promised we’d find many affordable houses here, just like Hank Hudson did, but the houses are big and expensive.  Now I'll have to stay the weekend to keep looking, which seems like eternity away from you and the girls. 

Love ya!

Be strong in your female weightlifting competition Sunday. Tell the girls to be good and cheer you on!

Oh, crap, Bash is driving me to another neighborhood and it isn't promising. The houses are getting!


Poor guy, he hates being away from his wife and kids for the weekend. He's even got to miss Amelia's weightlifting competition.  Hopefully she isn't too mad and decides to bench press him upon his return.

Since I have done the wrong picture prompt this week, forget all about this picture now! The other Friday Fictioneers have done the correct one and their efforts are available by clicking here.

Looks like what I could have used this week to straighten myself out was a Hudson miracle!