Thursday, September 29, 2016

A Martian Mission (FF)

FF- Friday Fictioneers
Striding down the long corridor from the Command Center to the Front Hatch of Martian Habitation Headquarters, Commander Kropotkin and Lieutenant Prine felt determined but deeply concerned.

“Commander,” said the Lieutenant, “I’m going to give this mission all I’ve got, but frankly I have my doubts.”

“Me too, Bud,” answered Commander Kropotkin. “But the Drugons have been appearing in force lately, and they’ve got to be stopped before it’s too late.”

The hatch opened and the two officers and friends leaped out of the Habitation Headquarters, weapons spewing poisonous fumes ferociously at every Drugon they could find.

“Know what?” said Prine, breathing a sigh of relief. “These Drugons aren’t half as tough as the weeds on Earth.”


This may be my first post about weed, and hopefully you won't think I am endorsing it.  Because I don't endorse weed --- meaning those pesky things that grow around your house --- but even though I haven't smoked it in over 30 years, I will endorse dope (as we called it back then, although the term "weed" did exist as well) as long as you don't do it too much.

Too much being the degree to which I smoked it, which was every other minute. Better to fill those minutes  with the story offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above which you can get high on by clicking here.

Meanwhile I'm going to go pull out some Drugons. That's the toughest weed I can handle these days.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Hillary Clinton set to Debate Complete Idiot

 This coming Monday evening, September 26, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton is scheduled to debate a complete idiot at 9:00 PM at Hofstra University Hempstead, New York.The debate is considered to be an extremely rare event in the history of American politics as never before has a candidate for president from one of the major two political parties gone one on one with a complete idiot.

The complete idiot in question knows nothing about world and domestic affairs, has no experience in government, and is so ignorant he thinks Merrick Garland is decoration for a Christmas tree.  Not only is he a complete idiot, he is a liar, a megalomaniac, and a fucking asshole.

Initially Clinton was scheduled to debate Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump but it has been decided that any complete idiot will do. The name of the complete idiot has not been released but viewers from coast to coast are not expected to notice any difference. 


The Invited (FF)

FF- Friday Fictioneers

"Look, Jason, there's the mothership at last!  I'd know the sight of it anywhere."

"Me too, Hector!  All year long I've been drawing sketches and building scale models of it, driving everyone nuts with my crazy obsession."

"I even made a full size replica of the ship out of mashed potatoes."

"Incredible, dude! How did that turn out?" 


"There's no question, Hector, we were invited!"

"Yes, we were.  Although I'm a little annoyed the invitation didn't say we could bring a date."

"C’mon,  let’s go run for the mothership!"

"Okay! Wonder who or what we'll find in there, Jason."

"God only knows, dude. I just hope it isn't scrawny little bald guys with bug eyes and no hair.” 

"Yeah, that would be so boring."


From "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

Well, there you have it - you've experienced a close encounter of the third kind, and you weren't even invited! Sorry about the boring derivative aliens.

The stories and posts of the other Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt at the top of the page will appear if you click here.   You should have a close encounter with as many of them as you can. 

Okay, I'm going to go and finish that mashed potato mother ship now. Hey, you got any butter? 

Monday, September 19, 2016

Ginger or Mary Ann, 2016

Ginger or Mary Ann, 2016
A Short Play Based on Gilligan's Island

(Note: Contains some adult content,

even though it was not written by an adult)

Skipper:  Hey, Little Buddy? Little Buddy?

Gilligan:  Yes, Skipper? 

Skipper:  Tell me, Little Buddy: Ginger or Mary Ann?

Gilligan:  Gee, I dunno, Skipper.  How about you: Ginger or Mary Ann? 

Skipper:  I'm not sure either, Little Buddy. But I have a feeling people are going to be asking that question for years to come. 

The Professor walks onto the beach.

Skipper:  Hey, Professor!

Professor:  Yes, Skipper?

Skipper: Which is it for you:  Ginger or Mary Ann?

Professor:  Haven't decided, Skipper. But I have a feeling people are going to be asking that question for years to come. 

Ginger walks onto the beach.

Ginger:  Oh, Skipper?

Skipper: Yes, Ginger? 

Ginger:  Would you please come with me and help me pick some coconuts off a tree?

Gilligan and the Professor look at each other quizzically while Ginger and the Skipper walk off the beach.  Shortly after they exit, Gilligan and the Professor hear:

Ginger: Oh, Skipper, take a gander at these!

Skipper:  Ginger, such big beautiful coconuts!

Ginger:  Grab 'em, Skipper!  Hold them close.

Skipper: I've got them, Ginger!  Oh, they feel wonderful!

Gilligan and the Professor look at each other incredulously. Ginger and Skipper return to the beach. 

Professor:  Hey you two! What the hell have you been ...

They notice the Skipper is holding two large coconuts in his hands.

Professor:  Oh.  Never mind.

Mary Ann walks onto the beach. 

Mary Ann:  Professor, could you help me dig out the inside of my canoe for a few minutes?

Professor:  Sure. In fact, I've got a tool here that might help us with that.

Gilligan and the Skipper look at each other quizzically while Mary Ann and the Professor walk off the beach. Shortly after they exit, Gilligan and the Skipper hear:

Mary Ann: I want it deep, Professor. Use your big tool! 

Professor: I can drive it as deep as you want,  Mary Ann!

Mary Ann: Oh yeah! Deeper! Deeper! You're a master with that tool, Professor! 

Professor:  You know, they all say that!

The Skipper and Gilligan look at each other incredulously. The Professor and Mary Ann return to the beach.

Skipper:  Hey, you two!  What the hell have you...

They notice the Professor is holding a metal tool and dragging the canoe. 

Skipper:  Oh.  Never mind.

Mrs. Howell walks onto to the beach.

Mrs. Howell: Oh Gilligan!  I understand you're quite the expert at catching fish in your bare hands.

Skipper: It's true, Mrs. Howell. Fish make out their wills when they see Gilligan coming!

Mrs. Howell: Well, perhaps you can teach me how, Gilligan. 

Gilligan and Mrs. Howell walk off the beach. The Skipper and the Professor react nonchalantly. Soon they hear:

Mrs. Howell:  Gilligan, it's a big one! 

Gilligan:   Wrap your hands around it, Mrs. Howell, it's very slippery! 

Mrs. Howell:  Oh, my hands are sliding
 up and down, up and down, up and down! 

Gilligan:  And later I'll help you eat it!

Gilligan and Mrs. Howell walk back onto the beach.  

Skipper:  So, you two, where's the fish?

Gilligan:  What fish? 

Just then the Professor jumps up.

Professor:  Look, a ship! Finally we're saved.

Skipper:  Can you see the name of the ship?

Professor:  It looks like the SS Lavender!

Gilligan: That's a funny name. 

Ginger:  Here they come!  Gee, they're dressed better than I am! 

Armando: Hello-o-o!   Oh, dear me, looks like you all need an emotional rescue. 

Captain Joseph: I'm  Captain Joseph and this is my First Mate Armando.

Skipper:  I'm the Skipper and this is Gilligan. And this is Ginger, Mary Ann, the Professor, and Mrs. Howell.

Captain Joseph: Well, collect your accoutrements and we'll shove up ... I mean, shove off.

The castaways go off to collect their things.

Armando:  Captain, I just have to ask you.

Captain Joseph: Yes, Armando?

Armando:  The Skipper or Gilligan?

Captain Joseph:  I don't know. But I have a feeling people are going to be asking that question for years to come.


Wednesday, September 14, 2016

It's A Shambles! (FF)

FF- Friday Fictioneers
© Shaktiki Sharma

“I thought this place was going to be ready, Farnum.  It's a shambles!"

"You're right, Kropotkin! Those two new men I hired came highly recommended.  They were supposed to be expert builders and craftsman."

"Yeah, but who recommended them? Donald Trump's doctor?"

"No. But it was the same guy who green lighted Batman v. Superman."

"Well, let's get busy, Farnum, at least we've got to clean up and paint before the boss get here."

“I think I see the problem, Kropotkin.  Those two paddles on the floor."

"Air hockey paddles!  There must be a table nearby."

"Shall we?"

“Why not?  After all, Dr. Bornstein recommended us!” 


Well, with how laissez-fair Trump's doctor is, I might hit him up for a recommendation myself.  I would love to be known as the greatest humorist who was ever elected President because frankly that Warren G. Harding was supposed to be the Sarah Silverman of his time.

I've been away from Friday Fictioneers a while (Oh.  You didn't notice?  Oh. Who the fuck am I?) Well, anyway, I'm glad to see the other Fictioneers,  and here for your enjoyment are all their contributions based on the picture prompt above.

Meanwhile, I wonder what's going on in the Air Hockey Game.  After all these two are the greatest air hockey players the world has ever known!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Happy Birthday, Dear Avatar

It's a special Birthday today, September 12, 2016. 

Let's all sing!

But it's not my birthday I'm talking about. 

Quite frankly I haven’t celebrated my birthday since Haley Joel Osment was cute. 
I’m wishing happy birthday to my Avatar.  You know, the profile picture I use on Twitter, Facebook, and this blog.
I was 54 years old when my profile picture was taken and I’m now 67. If my Avatar were a person, it would have already been masturbating for years now.

Although male pattern deterioration had already set in for me at age 54, I was still somewhat marketable. Nobody threw up when they saw me coming and attractive women meeting me for the first time could conceivably have thought “if a horrible catastrophe wiped out all of the men on earth, I could probably get drunk enough to consider mild petting with him.”

None of my facial features had as yet been placed on life support.

The picture was taken on a beautiful warm summer's  day which turned out to be one of my best hair days in a decade, in Disneyworld. Hard to imagine more optimal circumstances under which to muster a decent enough photo of myself to later press into service as my official internet emissary.  

For seven straight years.`

C’mon, don’t play so innocent, fellow Boomer! 

You can’t tell me you’re not rocking an online picture that's been around so long it might have been cropped from a selfie with Kaiser Wilhelm or one in which you’re wearing enough makeup for it to accompany your application to clown school.  


Next year, my Avatar will celebrate its Bar Mitzvah.  Mazel tov!  

And in another 13 years or so we may all be together to celebrate its wedding. 

You better believe if I’m still here, my Happy Birthday Avatar will be too!


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

What Clinton Doesn't Know About Cyber Stuff

It's just after Labor Day 2016 and the latest political polls don't look so good for Hillary Clinton. 

Because of her sometimes casual acquaintance with the truth regarding her e-mails, a megalomaniac who lies more frequently than he draws breath even when he's hyperventilating is leading in the polls, even though the only polls he should be leading in are the ones he uses to regularly vault over the truth.

Why has Clinton stumbled so badly with respect to her e-mails? 

Hillary Clinton is a Boomer, just like you and me.  When we were growing up the only mail we got was delivered by a middle aged man named Clifford who picked his teeth with our parents' telephone bill. Sure, we work our PCs and our cell phones today, but our understanding of their ins and outs equals our understanding of Justin Bieber's appeal. 

Unless America wakes up and gets this, we'll soon wind up with a man in the Oval Office whose most intelligent executive act will be to spin around in his desk chair, shout "WHEEEE!," and declare war on Pennsylvania. 

What Clinton Doesn't Know About 
Cyber Stuff

1) Thinks "C" marking on documents means "Crap." 

2) Believes "Bill Gates" is the name for proposed barrier to be built around her husband, and Monica Lewinsky will pay for it.

3) Constantly losing to Putin at Madden 2017.

4) Asked Russians to hack her e-mails so she can confirm date she unsubscribed to "Friends of NAFTA Weekly."

5) Has directed staff to remove suggestive "Insert" key from Bill's PC.

6) Not sure if "Spell Check" will determine accuracy of Hermione's and Ron's 's spells as well as Harry's.

7) Believes purpose of "Shift" key is to provide political wiggle room.

8) Has directed staff to remove suggestive "Enter" key from Bill's PC.

9) Still using dial-up. 

10) Thinks reboot means a change in footwear to go with latest pantsuit.

11) "Let's see, point and click, point and click, click and point .... Damn, I'll never get this right!"

12) Preparing critical outreach to emoji community.

13) Believes cloud computing is counting the clouds overhead to see how many look like pussycats.

14) Thinks Instagram is a website for drug dealers in a hurry.

15) "Delete" key, she understands.


Sunday, September 4, 2016

Taking A Stand By Not Standing

Civil Disobedience at its Finest:
Havertown's Ernie Frump

In a protest strikingly similar to that of professional football player Colin Kaepernick, Ernie Frump of Havertown PA is also taking a stand by refusing to stand to voice his opposition to an America he claims is fraught with bigotry and discrimination. 

“I am protesting the oppression and discrimination we night owls face at the hands of morning people," Frump announced. "Until it ends, I refuse to stand ... and get out of bed ...  when the alarm goes off.” 

Mr. Frump began his protest last Monday when he took to his bed at 3:30 A.M, set the alarm for 7:00 A.M., and then refused to stand when it went off.  

“America is rife with bigotry against those who hate mornings,” Frump asserted as he rolled over once or twice while addressing a media delegation from the Sleep Ez and Sealy Posturepedic companies. 

"Employers unfairly discriminate against night people because we show up late, yawn all day long, and distract hard working employees from doing their jobs. I will not stand in a country that values morning people over night owls just because they are viewed as - and actually are - way more productive and conscientious than we are.” 

“Until the plight of we night owls has been fully addressed," Frump vowed,  I will not stand!  Until at least 11 or 12." 

"Now leave me alone," he added. "It’s only 10:35 AM! I will not stand until lunchtime.”


(This post is not intended to ridicule or criticize the stand - or lack thereof - of  San Francisco Quarterback  Colin Kaepernick. I am only ridiculing Ernie Frump.)