Tuesday, September 29, 2015

The New Guy

A short play on politics of the day in playlet form (mostly). We are in a meeting hall in which presidential candidates are answering questions from reporters.  There is a moderator and two reporters, Sid White and Deborah Stanton.  

Thank you, Governor Huckabee, that was ... uh ... illuminating to learn God and Wayne LaPierre are on a first name basis.

You're welcome, Ms. Stanton! You know, God personally blesses all semi-automatic pistols and assault weapons.  He has guided me in his namesake to purchase Glock weaponry...

Sorry, out of time, Governor Huckabee! We need to bring out the next candidate to speak at this Special Republican Candidates for President Forum.

Governor Huckabee walks off the stage and there is a brief break in the action. 

Deb ... Pretty sad state of affairs with our party's candidates. The only one who has any charisma is Trump and he's a wacko.

I know. I haven't experienced anything as depressing as this since HBO renewed The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow. Who's up next? 

The new guy. I've heard some good things about him. He's plain speaking. He's down to earth. Here's hoping he turns out to be the one to knock off Donald Trump at last.

I hope so.
And the next candidate from the Republican Party for President of the United States, Governor Kent Larson.

Governor Kent Larson, a tall good-looking man, strides up to the podium.

Governor Larson
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor and a privilege to have the opportunity to speak here tonight as part of the Republican Candidates for President Forum. As your newest candidate for the highest office in the land, I am thrilled to share with you some of my ideas to help secure a bright future for the country and the land we all love. 

(talking low to Deb)
Hey, so far, so good. 
(talking low to Sid)
He's smooth! I think I like him.
Deborah Stanton will ask the first question of Governor Larson.

Governor Larson, many of the Republican candidates still oppose same-sex marriage despite the recent holding of the Supreme Court. What is your position on the subject? 

Governor Larson 
My position on the subject? It would be underneath one of the guys.  Or on top, whatever he likes better. I'm not picky.

Sid, Deb, and Moderator all look at each other.

(talking low to Deb)
Say what?  Did I hear that right?
(talking low to Sid)
I'm not sure...
Governor Larson, perhaps there was some confusion about that last question. What I was asking is if you view same sex couples....

Governor Larson
Oh, sure, I like to view same sex couples. In fact, I love it!  Two guys, two girls, doesn't make any difference to me!

Oh ... my ... god!   I mean ...I mean, oh, my.... how illuminating!

Deb and Sid look at each other in sheer dismay. 

(talking low to Sid)
Maybe I had too much to drink at the Reporter's Reception. That's gotta be it, that's gotta be it! 
(talking low to Deb)
Yeah, that would explain it. Except we didn't go to the Reporter's Reception! 

The next question for Governor Larson comes from Sid White.

Thank you ... I think.  Now, Governor Larson ... um ... One of the biggest challenges faced by the civilized world is that of ISIS. What are your thoughts on containing ISIS?

Governor Larson
ISIS certainly must be contained and contained effectively. Generally in a good sized cooler! There's nothing like a brewski on ISIS on a hot summer day!

Sid does a double-take, Deb slaps her hand on her forehead.

No, no, sir, when I say ISIS, I mean the terrorist organization ... the Sunni organization... 

Governor Larson
Oh, well, if it's Sunni out, all the more reason you need plenty of ISIS! Stock up early on a hot day, I always say. 

(talking louder now)
Uhh, didn't anybody vet this guy?

(Talking louder too)
Vetted him? Somebody should have gutted him! I can hear the champagne bottles popping right now at the DNC.

One more question.  From Ms.Stanton.

(responding cautiously)
Okay ... okay... sure, one more. Governor Larson, immigration is a big issue these days, and many are concerned about Mexican Immigration.

Governor Larson
Oh yes, if I may, Mexican Immigration is something I've thought long and hard about!

(to Sid, relieved)
Now we're getting somewhere!

Governor Larson
I love all kinds of Mexican food. Tacos, fajitas, enchiladas, everything!  I've never had immigrations, but I'm sure I'd love them too.

Telephone rings, Deb gets it.
Oh, Mr. Chairman! Yes, Mr. Chairman. No, Mr. Chairman. I see, Mr. Chairman!

It's the RNC Chairman, isn't it? What is he saying? He can't be blaming us, can he? He can't be blaming us, can he?  He's blaming us, isn't he?

Yes, Mr. Chairman!  No, Mr. Chairman! Goodbye, Mr. Chairman.

What did he say about Larson? 

He's shot to the top the polls.

Excuse me?

Larson's shot to the top the polls. Voters find him plain speaking and down to earth. He has become...

Sid and Deb together
(looking at each other)
The new voice of the Republican Party!

Who's up next?

And the next candidate for President, Donald Trump.

Thank goodness!  

At last!  Someone sane. 


Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The Night Drive (FF)

copyright The Reclining Gentleman

"Phillip, we've been riding behind this guy for a good five minutes," said Buckley, as he and Phillip drove over the Minsky River.  "Why don't you pass him?"

"I've put my high beams on to signal him to pull over so I can pass," said Phillip, "but he doesn't seem to be getting the message!"

"Phillip" replied Buckley, "that's not the way to do it. Pull around him."

"Really?  Just go around him?"

"Sure.  There are no cars in the lane next to you."

"Just go around him?"


"In the lane next to him?"

"Of course."

"Okay, whatever you say."
"OMG!  No, No, Phillip! NOOOO!  AHHHHHHHH!"

Phillip and Buckley had to be fished out of the Minsky River.  Phillip had gone in the lane to the left, not the right, to get around the car in front of him.  


Though I'm not quite as bad a driver as Phillip, I have been told I have a heavy foot. How do you go about losing weight in your foot? Is there a Jenny Craig for feet?

Anyway you should foot it on over to the responses of the other Friday Fictioneers to the picture prompt above by clicking the word lead foot right here. You don't have to drive, although Phillip is waiting to take you.

I have not have the opportunity to comment on many of your stories lately and I apologize. If I haven't commented on your story, that means I loved it! Now will you take a spin with me, lead foot and all? 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter

Once it seemed like you were made for each other, you and Twitter.

Yes, Twitter brought you your own little window on the world in 140 characters or less. Suddenly obscure little you became a major league player in the worlds of politics, world affairs, entertainment, and looking at mangy cats. You mixed and mingled with interesting and exotic people from around the world who, were they to have met you in person, would never have deigned to mix and mingle with obscure little you at all.  

But gradually there have come to be issues. Every time you receive an RT you do a victory lap around the room and high five your stuffed bear. You send birthday presents to everyone you are following on Twitter including @KimJongUnDude. Lately as you spend even more and more time on Twitter, you need to be regularly re-introduced to those two diminutive people who live in your house named Kristin and Timmy.

It is close to the breaking point.  Here are:

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter 

10) That huge emoji overhead when you go outside?  That's the sun, asshole!

9) You follow everyone that Twitter recommends you follow even if their profiles include the words "Proud Craigslist Stalker," "Conspiracy Theorist Who Believes You Killed John F. Kennedy,"or "Republican."

8) You named your first born son "Woot!"

7) You are convinced that Kim Kardashian is tweeting just for you!

6) You frequently use the hashtag #HELPMEOMGPLEASEHELPME!

5) Can't get enough dick jokes even if they're just about a guy named Dick.

4) You follow that idiot @PerryBlock.

3) You are fuming that you flunked the tryouts for Team Follow Back.

2)You type LOL after every one of your tweets, even if they're about economic infrastructure and agrarian land reform.

And the Number One Sign You Need To Cool It On Twitter,

1) You're so busy with Twitter that when someone mentions pornography you say "Porn?  Is that on the web too?"


Friday, September 18, 2015

Escape from Devil's Island (FF)

Charles hurled himself into the center of the pack of savage dogs!

"Just keep going,” he thought.  “Better to try to blast through them than to fight them.” And he got through with only one ear ripped off. 

"So no one ever escapes from Devil's Island? I'll prove them wrong!"

Charles had climbed through the tunnel he'd been digging for 16 years, swam through the shark infested moat, navigated the minefield, and now came to a low lying fence beyond which was a flower strewn field and a strip of international land.

Racked with pain, he flipped over the fence.

“FREE” he cried. “FREE!!!”

“Ahhh choo!  Ahhh choo!  Ahhh chooo!”

“Nobody escapes from Devil's Island,” said the guard now upon him. “We know everyone's fatal flaw.” 


And my fatal flaw apparently was my last post "Seinfeld, Starring Cookie Monster as Jerry," which received a response not seen before in Western Civilization since the Gallup Polls generating during the Bubonic Plague.

I thought of making myself the prisoner on Devil's Island as a sort of punishment but realized that I'd be as unlikely to throw myself into a pack of wild dogs as to sit through a concert by ABBA, so Charles was designated to plot the escape.  You should plot your escape to the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers on the picture prompt above by clicking here.

Nobody ever escapes from Devil's Island.  And that's nothing to sneeze at!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Seinfeld, Starring Cookie Monster as Jerry

Very few people remember it today. In fact it's been called "The Lost Episode of Seinfeld," primarily because it has been lost, and a great deal of effort has been put into keeping it so. 

Sometime in the mid-nineties Jerry Seinfeld took ill for several weeks. Rather than close down production, Larry David decided to go ahead and shoot an episode with another actor in the role of Jerry. Cookie Monster lobbied hard for the part and nailed it, mostly because he was sleeping with Julia Louis-Dreyfus at the time.

Although the full episode is lost, I have secured a clip.  Enjoy (kind of)!


The Scene is Jerry's Apartment

George: Hey, Jerry, I wonder how Elaine made out on her blind date. What's the deal with blind dates anyway? Are the dates actually blind or do you just generally wish you were blind when you first see them?

Jerry: Me not know, George.  All me know is me want cookie!  

Elaine enters.

George:  So, how was the big date tonight?

Elaine: Oh boy, don't ask!  

George: That bad?

ElaineTurned out he was really handsome with an athletic build, a great sense of humor, and a head full of thick curly brown hair.

George:  I think I must have missed the "don't ask" part in there somewhere! 

Jerry: Me guess he has a real terrible job like he live in a trashcan and shouts mean things to everyone who goes by! 

Elaine: No, he is a partner in a big corporate law firm on Wall Street.

Jerry: Well, then, me bet he can afford a lot of cookies! Om nom nom nom! 

Elaine:  We went to the Soup Nazi for some lobster bisque.  I told him to be careful with what he said, but he mentioned the word "debenture."

George:  So? 

Elaine:  The Soup Nazi thought he said "denture!" The Soup Nazi must have them from the way he reacted, and he banned my date from soup for life!  

George:  Well, that's too bad but that doesn't have to ruin the relationship.

Elaine: A boyfriend I can't go for soup with at the Soup Nazi? Are you kidding me? That's almost as bad as a boyfriend without a penis! 

Jerry: Actually it worse. On days Soup Nazi has cucumber soup, no penis no problem at all!

Kramer blows in. 

Kramer:  Hey!

Jerry: Hey!  Do you have cookie, Kramer?

Kramer:  No, Jerry.  I've been working on my new business: Neckties that tie themselves so you never have the shorter end turning out to be the longer end. Or the longer end turning out to be the shorter end, I'm not exactly sure which it is.

George:  Who would buy that?

Kramer:  You'd be surprised ...

Jerry: What am the deal with neckties anyway? They just hang in front of you, don't do anything, and always get stained with mustard sauce. Unless you eat cookies only, which do not stain!

George: Guys, we're trying to help Elaine! She's got a boyfriend that the Soup Nazi completely shut down.

Jerry: Y'know, Soup Nazi give me no trouble.  He sense me not desperate since soup no big deal to me, unless it cookie soup.   

Elaine:  Hmm, that gives me an idea.

Transition to Soup Nazis' restaurant

Elaine and her boyfriend are in front of the line for soup.

Soup Nazi:  Next!  You?!  No Soup for you! 

Boyfriend:  Oh, no, no,  sorry, I didn't mean to offend you!  You see as much as I like soup, it's cookies I love the most.

Soup Nazi: What kind of cookies?

Boyfriend: Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, Oreos ...

Soup Nazi: All of which get stuck in my dentures!   No soup for you!  And for anybody who knows you!

Boyfriend (to Elaine):  Looks like I blew it again, Elaine.

Elaine:  Do I know you?

Jerry and George enter.

Jerry:  Me back again!  Me really want cookie bad but ... me take lobster bisque as second choice.

Soup Nazi: Didn't I give you soup once before, little blue man?

Jerry: Yes, that am right!

Soup Nazi: You're the one who started this whole cookie thing! No soup for you!

Jerry and George do a double take.

George:  Jerry, I'm not even going to go up now!  I'm going home and figure out the Opposite of what I'd normally do and try that.

Kramer blows in.

Soup Nazi: Kramer! Come right in!  What soup do you want today?

KramerOh, a little of the minestrone, some lentil, and a big bowl of lobster bisque.

Soup NaziComing right up!

Kramer:  You know, I was wondering.  Does anything in these soups ever get stuck in your dentures the way cookies do? Like chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and Oreos for example.

Soup Nazi:  Yes, many do.  Extra bread, Kramer?

Kramer takes his soup outside to eat and the others, totally amazed, follow him. 

Jerry: How you get soup, Kramer, even after you mention cookie?

Elaine:  Yeah, Kramer, what's the secret?  I'm going through boyfriends faster than Seinfeld goes through writers!

Kramer:  What's the secret, you ask?

Soup Nazi (sticks head out of restaurant): Oh, and Kramer!  Thanks for the tie that ties itself. I never have the shorter end turning out to be the longer end any more. Or the longer end turning out to be the shorter end, I'm not exactly sure which it is.

Kramer: You know, me neither.

Soup Nazi:  Either way, it's great!

Jerry:  Know what, Elaine? 

Elaine:  What, Jerry?

Jerry:  Me go for cookie right now!

Elaine:  Wait, I'll join you!

Freeze frame, episode ends.


As noted, this experiment was not repeated again after the ratings for this episode were so low even Jewish people didn't watch.  Jerry Seinfeld shortly rejoined the cast and Seinfeld returned to its former status of pure comedy gold for the rest of its run. 

Cookie Monster soon broke up with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and returned to Sesame Street. He didn't do badly there either. But Cookie Monster never again played a character other than himself.

And his dream to one day direct has remained as of now sadly unfulfilled.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

The Natural Attraction (FF)

© Jennifer Pendergast
Mulford had a dream.

He wanted to build a small vacation hotel in the little town of Philaberg nestled quietly along the banks of Lake Kitchiekoo. The townspeople agreed but worried there were no natural attractions in the area to bring tourists.

That Sunday Mulford rowed out to the center of the lake to scout locations. He was thinking maybe a nice rock garden could be an attraction when suddenly there was a mighty swell and swirling water slammed against the side of the boat. It was then that the head of an enormous sea creature surfaced. 

"Damn it, Nessie!"cried Mulford, “Can't you ever cool it? If outsiders find out about you, we'll never get anyone to come here!" 


Poor Mulford!   He's right, of course.  Who in their right mind would want to go visit a small town just  to see a dinosaur thought extinct for 60 million years cavort joyfully in a lake?  Can you imagine how that would interfere with water skiing?
Maybe the townsfolk can convince Nessie to tone it down a bit while they put in a cheese slicing museum. Or maybe we'll find some better ideas for the hapless Philaberg folks by checking out the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking here to see what they've done with the picture prompt above.

By the way, Nessie also juggles and does impressions. Yep, he's box office poison, all right.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Fare Thee Well, We Tweet

It's true. Whenever a celebrity or dignitary wishes to express his condolences, grief, or appreciation regarding a colleague or friend who has passed away anymore, he or she does it via Twitter.

Many of us, however, remember a time when people had to come forward and appear in public to express their feelings upon the death of someone who mattered to them. In those days you actually saw and felt true emotion and the impact of loss.

It's kind of not the same when bereaved individuals can tweet how upset they are while sitting on the crapper. And frankly, the rather childish word “tweet” doesn't have sufficient gravity to convey emotions as serious and important as grief and sorrow.  If you can tweet your grief, shouldn't you also be able to twinkle your condolences or bebop your angst?  

Apparently in the very near future, you can.

Former Secretary of State

 Harry Truckman Dies
Obituary - March 23, 2018

It was announced today that Former Secretary of State Harry S. Truckman, who served three United States Presidents and is credited with being the first Secretary of State to successfully locate Burkina Faso on the map, has died.

"I am greatly saddened by the death of my dear friend Harry Truckman," President Donald Trump merrymounted today on the social network Merrymount. "All of us owe Harry Truckman a great debt for his stellar service to the nation," President Trump additionally tweeted as well as flamboozled on Flamboozle. 

Praise for Harry Truckman was tweeted, merrymounted, and flamboozled from round the world.   "Michelle, Malia, Sasha, and I are truly distraught over the passing of our friend Harry," flamboozled former President Barack Obama, with whom Mr. Truckman also served.

"He was a man of faith and principle,” deedled Pope Francis on the official Vatican social network Deedledop, and Queen Elizabeth flamboozled, merrymounted, tweeted, and deedled her condolences as well.

It was Mr. Truckman's widow, Mrs. Mary Truckman, however, who best summed up the feelings of the nation Harry Truckman loved:

"There will never come another like him this way again," Mrs. Truckman gigglefarted on Gigglefart. 

Truer words were never gigglefarted.


This post is a re-working of an earlier version of Fare Thee Well, We Tweet to remove some relatively stale social references.  The subject manner, however, remains as fresh as the day it was written!

As does its lack of popularity with readers. 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

The Return of the LOJM

The  LOJM? 
Of all the fearsome creatures that walk the Earth, none is more terrifying than the legendary beast known as the LOJM! (pronounced LOW-JIM) 

For the uninitiated - as well as the un-Jewish - the LOJM, also known as the "Little Old Jewish Man," is the monster that stalks Jewish males of a certain age. It's evil mission: to convince youthful good-looking sexually dynamic Jewish men that they incredibly appear 60 years old or more!  

And to my eternal damnation, I am one of its victims!

Although no one has ever seen the LOJM, it is theorized it looks like a cross between actor Mickey Rourke, the guy at the synagogue who probably knew Moses, and Nosferatu on a bad hair day. Whenever its victim looks in the mirror or has a picture taken, the LOJM leaps at blinding speed in front of the poor victim and completely obscures his handsome young face, replacing it with its hideous own!

And this is exactly what happens to me.  Whenever I try to get a picture taken, my naturally boyish grin, sultry sensuous features, and smoldering sexuality are nowhere to be seen.  In their place is the vile visage of the LOJM!

And even after completing this foul deception, the LOJM is still not finished. Somehow the creature has found a way, perhaps through mass hypnosis , to convince others that the picture actually looks just like the victim instead of like the grotesque distortion that it is!
Beware the LOJM!

All of this is of special concern to me because on September 12 I will be having a birthday. I will be 35 years old, the age I always am and ever will be. Someone will want to take a picture, however, and the LOJM will make sure to ruin it all!

Last year I had a unique idea. It seemed to me that the best way to fight one legendary Jewish creature was with another, so I called on the Golem of Prague. The Golem is a mighty giant constructed out of clay to protect the Jewish people in historical times of trouble, such as when gentiles would seek to force us to eat Jimmy Dean Pork Sausages. Not only would the Golem pound them into guacamole dip, but being a Reform Golem he would also eat up all the pork sausages.

"I cannot help you, Perry," said the Golem. "But next time you're being drawn and quartered by rabid mobs of anti-Semites, ring me up."

"But this is the LOJM, damn it!"

"Now that you mention it," muttered the Golem, "I haven't had a decent woodcut made since the turn of the 17th Century."

And so I convinced the Golem to show up at my small birthday celebration. The stage was now set:  one legendary Jew v. another, neither of which was a lawyer or in show business.  It was probably a first.

At the appointed moment, my son Brandon took the picture.

"Say no cheese," he  pronounced, taking into account my life-long food aversion.

At once the Golem leaped high in the air as if to swat the LOJM to the ground, banged his head on the ceiling, and dropped onto the floor.

"Did you see him?" I shouted. "Did you get him?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure I'm hemorrhaging Play-Doh."

The Golem and I now crowded around the picture. 

"Y'know, Perry, it does look just like you! Especially the dark circles, bulbous nose, and the comb over hair."

"Some defender of the Jews you are, Golem!"  I cried.

And the Golem was gone.

Hope he's more effective combating blood libel.

So how about you, Jewish men of a certain age?  Before you know it, it will be your 35th Birthday too (and again), just as it is about to be mine.  And the LOJM will be there, of that you can be assured.  The LOJM will always be there.

Be ready. Be prepared.
Beware the LOJM!

And don't expect much help from the Golem.  Unless you've brought Jimmy Dean Pork Sausages. 


Thursday, September 3, 2015


© Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Roger stood right on the edge, his heart pounding, his will beginning to waver.  

"JUMP! JUMP!"  shouted the voices that seemed to come from all around him. 


"Who are these people?!" wondered Roger. "What do they want?"

Roger was not going to disappoint them.  He said a quick prayer, leaned forward, and arms flailing at his sides, he jumped.

"Fourteen feet, two inches!" exclaimed the referee.  "A new world record in the standing broad jump!"

The crowd cheered.  Now Roger knew who they were: good folks of all kinds, whether sitting in the bargain seats or the brick enclosed skyboxes, whose inspiration had made him a champion.


Serves me right.  No sooner do I write this piece than it turns out nobody does the broad jump anymore.  So if we all shout "Jump! Jump!" these days we're more likely to hear Van Halen than see any great feats of "broad jumpitation."

However, if you click on the word Jump! right here, you will see the great feats of the other Friday Fictioneers relative to the picture prompt above. So say a quick prayer, lean forward, and click "Jump!"

Glad I could inspire you.