The Follow-up Questions She Should Have Asked

 

We’ve all seen the public service announcement where the young woman asks her new neighbor certain questions about his household before she will arrange a playdate there for her child.

The spot is laudable but there are a number of follow-up questions she should have asked.

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She: Do you have a pet?

He: Yes, but he’s little.

How little?

Can you be more specific other than bigger than a Chihuahua but smaller than Clifford the Big Red Dog?

Okay, smaller than Clifford, it is. What breed of dog is he?

That’s an unusual mix - a pit bull and Cujo. What’s your dog’s name?

Is there a reason you chose to name your dog ‘Psycho Killer?’

Did the mail carrier ever recover use of their leg?

So that’s why you had to move from your last home?

Your last several homes, you say?

Has Psycho Killer had all his shots?

Dogs can be anti-vaxxers?

Really? Can they also be Republicans?

Don’t answer that!

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She: Do you have a gun?

He: Yes, but it’s safely stored away.

That’s good. Do you ever take the gun out?

When would that be?

Whenever you get a contract? Are you an attorney?

That’s funny? What’s funny about that?

What is the purpose of one of these contracts?

To silence a squealer? What’s a squealer?

Someone who sings to the police? What, like sings at the police person’s ball?

Oh, someone who informs the police about criminal activity. Isn’t that a good thing?

Only if the police are corrupt? Don’t you mean provided the police aren’t corrupt?

I’m funny again? Maybe I should go into comedy?

Don’t quit my day job? What happens to the squealer?

You take him for a walk in the woods? How nice! And what is the gun used for?

To ward off bears? But there are no …. Anyway where is your gun normally secured?

In a locked safe? Excellent, And your child has no access to it?

What do you mean ‘for now?’

Until he gets older and learns what from you?

To crack safes?

Now you’re being funny, aren’t you?

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Do you believe existence precedes essence or that life is essentially absurd?

Can you explicate and expound?

Or would you prefer to submit your answer in writing, no more than three pages long, double-spaced and on my desk by 9:00 AM?

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Now as I understand it, you have a very dangerous and ferocious dog, make your living as a mob hitman, and prefer Sartre to Camus, is all this correct?

Okay, how about Friday?