Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Put On Your Hat And Coat, And Hat And Coat (FF)

FF - Flash Fiction
copyright - Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

"Look at the frost on the window, Micah!  How cold out it must be!"

"Yeah, it's like that this time of year, Z.  Makes you hate to go outside."

"Well, we gotta go, Micah. Put on your hat and coat.  And hat and coat.  And hat and coat."

"You too, Z.  Boy that's a thick coat; where'd you get it?" 

"Made it from the wool of half a dozen very hirsute sheep."

“Oh my god, it's freezing out here!  It must be minus 80 degrees!”

 “Sure wish we lived on a planet that only had four seasons, Micah. Like Earth.” 

“Right, Zontar!  Winter's bad enough; schlossertime's a killer!


Yep, next time you think it's too darn cold in winter, just be thankful we don't have schlossertime on Earth. It's so cold then that the holiday that falls during schlossertime features a visit from Old Father Anti Freeze. 

The other Friday Fictioneers' takes on the picture prompt above are available right here. And available for you winter, spring, summer, and schlosser!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my hat and coat.  And hat and coat.  And hat and coat.  

Monday, June 27, 2016

He Ain't Heavy, He's Chris Christie

I used to feel that it was totally wrong and inappropriate to make fat jokes about Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey.  Love him or hate him, his size was something largely beyond his control and jokes about someone's girth can be very cruel and hurtful.

Of course, I made fat jokes about Governor Christie all the time. They were just too hard to resist.  But I at least had the decency to feel like crap about making them and to flagellate myself daily for being such an insensitive boorish lout.

But things have changed. Christie has allied himself with Donald Trump, proving that he is a shameless opportunistic phony who cares more about his own personal advancement than about America and its citizens.  And also he is 
a big fat fucking slob!

Let the fatty jokes roll:

1) What happened for the first time when Chris Christie ran for President. 
He bit off more than he could chew.

2) What happened for the first time when Chris Christie ran for President. 
He ran.

3)What is Chris Christie's favorite sport?

4)Jersey Boys
Describe Chris Christie's man boobs.

5)Why was Chris Christie never indicted in the George Washington Bridge Scandal?
He couldn't fit through Bridgegate.

6)Did you hear the news?  
New Jersey has just declared hot fudge an endangered species!

7)What's the most Chris Christie has ever eaten at one time?
Well, it could be, but we all know what a liar Trump is.

8)What is Chris Christie's favorite desert?
Baked Alaska.

9) How big is Chris Christie's Asshole?
I dunno, how big is Trump?

10)Where would Chris Christie be most comfortable if he were ever elected President?
In the Oval Office. 

11)How do we know that Chris Christie is an environmentalist?
He's doing his best to preserve blubber.

12)In what way is Chris Christie's trying to take better care of himself. 
He's making it a point to drink eight bodies of water a day.

13)How are Chris Christie, a gullible person, and a hooker alike? 
None of them has ever found anything too big to swallow.

14)Why does Chris Christie support Trump?
Trump's hair looks like orange cotton candy to him.

15)What is Chris Christie's belt size?
To infinity and beyond!

16)Why does Chris Christie no longer go to the Jersey shore?
Tired of being harpooned.

17) Why did Chris Christie hug President Obama after Hurricane Sandy?
Thought he felt a Twinkie in Obama's left inside coat pocket.

18)What causes Chris Christie to run screaming from the room? 

Got any more?  You no longer need to feel guilty.  

C'mon, he's got it coming!


(Again I apologize if anyone is offended. Christie deserves this; no one else does. This does not reflect any negative views about anyone else whatsoever.)

Saturday, June 25, 2016

If Automobiles Had Been Invented Before The Wheel

"Excuse me, young lady, I'd like some help please." 

"Of course, sir!   I'm here at the Toyota front desk to help with whatever you need!"

"Why, you're Jan, the pitch person for Toyota!"

"Yes, I am, sir!  And it's my job to make your Toyota shopping experience as pleasant as pleasant can be!"

"Well, then could you send someone else over? You're such a boring advertising construct you make Ted Cruz seem interesting!"

"But I'm the pretty face of Toyota, sir!"

"Sure, but you have all the personality of a 1994 Camry that's still on the road.  Who green lighted your commercials anyway? The same guy who green lighted Alice in Wonderland?"

"Sir, please, I'm here for you with a great big smile!"

"Oh, boy.  Okay, Jan, what Toyota would you recommend for a sports enthusiast like me?

"The Toyota Highlander, sir!"

"What are the particulars?"

"It is a  4-door, 7-seat Sport Utility,  equipped with a standard 2.7L, 4-cylinder, engine automatic transmission and four all season radial boxes."

"Radial boxes, you say?"

"Of course."

"What brand of boxes?"

"Michelin.  Nothing but the best boxes  for the Highlander!" 

"Is there a warranty on the boxes?  How far are they warrantied to go before you a need an emergency appointment with a chiropractor?"

"Either one week or 9 and a half blocks, whichever comes first."

"Now that's impressive!  Does Toyota pay for the first three appointments?"

"Of course, sir, and the first three surgeries too."

"Wow! May I go for a trial "thumpety-thumpety?"


"What a super smooth ride, Jan! I wasn't nauseous at all except for when I turned on the ignition right up to this moment now.

"That's wonderful, sir!  

"I'll bet with these Michelin boxes you could start out one day in Philadelphia and drive as far as you could each day, and be in New York in only one lifetime!"

"Glad you like the car, sir.  Too bad I can't play up to you to induce you to buy it, but that's just how lamely my character is drawn."

"You know, Jan, I'll bet one day somebody is going to invent something other than boxes for cars to ride on and cars will then be able go much further.  Like to the mailbox."

"I hope so, sir."

"Maybe somebody could round the corners  of each box to create a shape somewhat like the number '0'."

"Oh, sir!  Don't you think if that could be done, someone would have done it long ago?"

"I guess you're right, Jan.  Know what else?"


"Finally you're starting to appeal to me!"



Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The Houses Are Getting Bigger Fast! (FF)

Note to the Friday Fictioneers:  Well, I managed to do the wrong picture prompt this week, but I have a good excuse.  I looked at Rochelle's Facebook page and this picture is what shows with the words above it "a particular favorite of mine."  Now what was I to think?  There it all was.  Actually I think all of you are wrong and I'm right! So why don't you guys get with the program?


FF- Friday Fictioneers

Oh, Amelia, you were right this trip has been a waste of time!

I promised I would never leave you to go house hunting on my own but we have to find a new house now if we're going to move by next month.

Bash Brannigan of TFOA Realty promised we’d find many affordable houses here, just like Hank Hudson did, but the houses are big and expensive.  Now I'll have to stay the weekend to keep looking, which seems like eternity away from you and the girls. 

Love ya!

Be strong in your female weightlifting competition Sunday. Tell the girls to be good and cheer you on!

Oh, crap, Bash is driving me to another neighborhood and it isn't promising. The houses are getting!


Poor guy, he hates being away from his wife and kids for the weekend. He's even got to miss Amelia's weightlifting competition.  Hopefully she isn't too mad and decides to bench press him upon his return.

Since I have done the wrong picture prompt this week, forget all about this picture now! The other Friday Fictioneers have done the correct one and their efforts are available by clicking here.

Looks like what I could have used this week to straighten myself out was a Hudson miracle!

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The Bearded Lady is Next (FF)

FF-Friday Fictioneers
Copyright - John Nixon

Times had been rough for the Spangling Brothers- Farnum & O’Reilly Circus. 

With the loss of its elephant act and the ability of folks in even the farthest reaches to view spectacles of all sorts via TV and internet, the need to cut costs became paramount.

“Oh, Scruffles,” called out Russell Gayer, wily manager of the circus, to his number 1 clown, “I have lost a contact lens in the piano. Would you go get it please?"

As Scruffles climbed into the piano, Gayer laid off his first employee.

“One down,” he cackled.  “The Bearded Lady is next.”


What a bastard!  What kind of person chooses to lay out .... I mean lay off an employee like this?  Then again it ain't too shabby to save on severance, unemployment, and extended benefits when you're laying off an employee and you've got to keep costs low.

So we'll give Russell the benefit of the doubt.  If you click here, you can give Russell and all the other Friday Fictioneers the benefit of the doubt too with respect to their takes on the picture prompt above.

Just keep away from the piano.

Monday, June 13, 2016

60 is Not the New 40 (Again)

Recognize these guys? 
Just another reason that 
60 is not the new 40

60 is Not The New 40.  

It's a sobering truth, Boomers, but nonetheless it's one we have to face.   I've written several of these lists before proving that 60 is not the new 40 which have been posted on my blog and elsewhere. This is the latest list and my first for Humor Outcasts. 

Then again, folks, we always have ...


It's a very handy tool and one of my favorites. Let me know if you can make it work for you cause I'm having a bit of trouble making it work for me.

Okay now, on to Humor Outcasts ....

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Second Remake of The Fly (FF)

FF-Friday Fictioneers
copyright:  Douglas M. Macilroy 

"Again, Andre?"

"Afraid so, Helene.  I just can't seem to get that bug out of the system … so to speak."

"Oh, Andre, every time you transport yourself in the disintegrator-integrator, you come running out here with that contraption over your head saying 'here we go again!'"

"I know, I know.  That pesky fly keeps getting into the chamber with me and our atoms get mixed and I wind up with a fly's head …”

"And I have to catch the fly with the human head so we can reverse the process. Well, better get going."

"Helene, this time it's ... um ...a little different."

"How's that?"

"This time I was in the Chamber with Uncle Herby."

"OMG! Help me! Help me!"


In remaking The Fly as my contribution to this week's Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above, I faced a daunting task. Both of the previous versions of The Fly made in 1958 and 1986 were quite good and very successful, and I had a budget of $2.25, no actors, and only 100 words to work with, although I always cheat on the words.

So I hit on the idea of introducing a new character:  Uncle Herby.  Hopefully you loved him.  If not, I'm sure you'll love the takes on the prompt by the other Friday Fictioneers which are materializing right now in the disintegrator- integrator if you click on it here.  

Now will somebody please get Uncle Herby's sexual organs off my forehead?

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Annual Convention of The Association of Corrupt, Depraved, and Biased Judges

Official Insignia:
The Association of Corrupt, Depraved,
 and Biased Judges

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the Fifth Annual Convention of The Association of Corrupt, Depraved, and Biased Judges.

I'm Perry Jury, President of the Association, and I'm happy that you were all able to take time off to attend our convention from your busy schedules of cooking evidence, issuing bogus rulings, and buying off witnesses and jurors.

We have a packed schedule of programs for you over the next three days although you'll notice that a number of them are not worth the money you paid for them.  Don't ya just love us!  Some of our newest seminars include "How to Laugh without Laughing Derisively," "What's the Deal with Honest Witnesses?" and "Screwing New York Businessmen."

After our guest speaker this morning, we're going to break into special subgroups as follows:

Jewish Judges Against Muslims will meet in Conference Room A.

Irish Judges against the English will meet in Conference Room B.

Italian Judges Against Anyone Who Doesn't Eat Pasta At Their Mother's House on Sunday Night, Conference Room C, and

Muslim Judges Against the Jews, Except Paul Rudd.  Gee, I guess nobody can help liking Paul Rudd.    This group will meet...

What's that, Mohammed? You and the Jewish judges want to have a joint meeting? You have a lot in common and always have a great time together? Sure, no problem!

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our special guest speaker. He will discuss with us today how each one of us must unite to defeat the greatest threat our profession has ever faced, the man who has been on to us all along, that tireless champion of judicial reform and honesty, Mr. Donald J. Trump!  

Our guest speaker needs no introduction. He's been screwing non-Hispanic plaintiffs and defendants for many years now, God bless him! Please welcome.....

Judge Gonzalo Curiel!

Judge Curiel, please teach all us corrupt,depraved,and biased judges how to build a wall around Mr. Trump.


Saturday, June 4, 2016

You Mean to Tell Me I'm Typecast Forever as the Actor in the Actor Portrayal who has Gout?

Look, Sammy, I know you've been my agent for almost 15 years now, and, yes, you've done an awesome job!  

You got me that series with Paul Reiser and Steve Guttenberg about two Jews running a farm, Hebrew Hoe-Down, and I loved playing the wise-cracking Amish neighbor. And I was truly devastated when the show was cancelled in the middle of the second episode.

But, Sammy, in the last five years all you've gotten me is the actor portrayal of the guy with gout whose life is turned around after he asks his doctor about Jobomin!  All I ever get to say is "With Jobomin, Gout is Gone!"

What do you mean "get used to it?" Why?

You mean to tell me I'm typecast forever as the actor in the actor portrayal who has gout?

But I am an act-or, Sammy! I can act any disease you want including a full range of phobias, especially fear of being an unemployed actor!  

What's that?  Nobody will accept me in any other role ever again? People will lose faith in Jobomin if they see me playing golf with Arnold Palmer or singing “tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow?” with my last dying gasp to a baby? 

How do you know this? All those actors tried it, you say? Took roles unrelated to their actor portrayals, you say?  Out of the business now, you say? 

Selling siding, you say?  
But I played Hamlet in college!  I electrified them with "To be or not to be!" 

Better get used to electrifying them with "If you can handle the vomiting, sexual dysfunction, and high probability of painful hemmorhoids, Jobomin may be right for you?"

Funny, Sammy!

Hey, I heard there's a Jennifer Love Hewitt project that's ... nobody will ever buy me in a love scene with Jennifer Love Hewitt?  Unless she's comforting me about my gout? Well, how about with somebody flat-chested then?  Damn!

A cop show?  Maybe as a corpse, you say? As long as he had gout?
I can't believe this!  Look, Sammy, I'm not asking for Broadway. I'm not asking you to get me into Hamilton! Umm ... could you get me into Hamilton?

Only if they write in a character who has gout and goes to an 18th century physician and instead of leaches gets Jobomin?  

This is terrible! I can't spend my life only playing guys who have gout. I can't keep saying over and over "Ask your doctor if Jobomin is right for him, let alone you."

Hey, what if they bring back My Mother the Car?

As the radiator, you say?  And no gout necessary?

Well, one can always hope.