Monday, May 29, 2017

Tamping Down Trump's Tweets

"Good very very early morning, Mr. Trump! I'm Ernest Kropotkin, and I'm here to help you with your Twitter Account."

"I don't need any help. I know more about Twitter than the Kardashians!  My Twitter Account is the No.1 most followed Twitter Account in the world!"

"Actually, Mr. Trump - not to fact check you - but that's false. You're not even in the top 25."

"What do you want, Mr. Kropotkin?"

"I've been sent to help you present a more positive image with your tweets. Look, I've revised a few you've just posted. Here's the first:

Just returned from Europe. Trip was a great success for America. Hard work but big results!

And this is how I've revised it, Mr. Trump:

 Just flew in from Europe and boy are my arms tired! 

"What?!!!  Where's my bullying scowl?! Where's my orange hair?! What is that I'm holding? A tiny human being?"

"That's called a baby, Mr. Trump."

"That picture is as creepy as my son Eric!"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"Hey, why don't you use a picture of Ivanka about 16 years old looking hot and curvy and sitting in my eager lap? That wouldn't be creepy at all!"

"What do you think of the tweet, Mr. Trump?"  

"Oh, it's a great joke! You know I wrote that joke! About the same time I created the expression prime the pump." 

"Here I've revised the second part of your tweet:

"Why would I tweet that?!  Are you going to have me apologize to that loser from Montenegro next for getting in the way of my preening?"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"I'm the most human person you'll ever meet in your entire life!"

"Here's one more of your tweets I've revised. First the original:
8 hours ago

 The Fake News Media works hard at disparaging & demeaning my use of social media because they don't want America to hear the real story!

 ..... and as I've slightly massaged it."

There is no Fake News Media.Though I have issues with the news media, I honor the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press in their efforts to ensure America hears the real story.
"No! I would never tweet anything like that! For me to put something like that out on Twitter, I'd need Vladimir Putin's approval!"
"Mr. Trump, who do you think sent me?"
"Of course. Even he's trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump!"

Friday, May 26, 2017

Interrogating Jared

Siberian cat got your tongue?

Agent Cooper: Bobby, it's time to interrogate Jared Kushner.  Are you ready?

Agent Slick: Sure am. What's he being charged with, Mark?

Agent Cooper:  116 meetings with Russian dignitaries including 19 sleepovers with Vladimir Putin, three games of Twister with Foreign Minister Lavrov, and an evening baking fudge with Ambassador Kislyak.

Agent Slick:  Well, he's already had his Miranda warnings, so let's go.

Agent Cooper:  Good morning, Mr. Kushner,  my name is Agent Cooper, my partner is Agent Slick.


Agent Slick:  What'd did he say?

Agent Cooper:  I don't think he said anything. You know, nobody's ever heard him speak.

Agent Slick:  We just want to ask you a few questions, Mr. Kushner.  Okay?


Agent CooperI guess maybe he's a mime.  Like Marcel Marceau.

Agent Slick: If that's true, he's a very unentertaining one

Agent Cooper:  Mr. Kushner, is it the Jewish Shabbat and you're not allowed to speak?


Agent Slick: No, Mark, you're allowed to speak on Shabbat. Unless God is timing you out.

Agent Cooper: Mr. Kushner, what is your involvement with the Russians?


Agent Slick:  What the fuck?!

Agent Cooper: Okay, Bobby, let's try this. Let's play charades. Mr. Kushner, can you act out your involvement with the Russians?


Agent Slick:  He's pointed to his eye.  Now he's hugging himself.

Agent Cooper:  "I love" ... "I love" what, Mr. Kushner?


Agent Slick:  And now he's running around.  He's rushing!  Russian! "I love Russian..."  

Agent Cooper:  "I love  Russian" what, Mr. Kushner?  What do you love that's Russian?!


Agent Slick:  He's dressing.

Agent Cooper:  He's saying "I love Russian Dressing!!!"  That means .… oh, crap.  That means nothing.

Agent Slick:  I wonder how he feels about vinaigrette. 

Agent Cooper: Kushner, if you don't talk, I'm going to tell your Mommy and Daddy!

Kushner:  No, Puh-leese!  Don't do that!

Agent Cooper: You spoke, Mr. Kushner, you spoke!!!

Kushner: Yes, I did. 

Agent Slick: Why haven't you ever talked before? 

Kushner: Ivanka told me not to.


Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Sid Markowitz Esq, Attorney to Donald Trump

"Mr. Markowitz, there's a man in the waiting room to see you. I had to move all the Hustlers out of the office real fast and throw out Thursday's Taco Bell, but he's still there!"

"I don't have any appointment scheduled.  What does he look like?"

"Orange hair, believe it or not."

"Sounds like the Joker from Batman.  Okay, Myrtle, send him in but call me in five minutes in case he turns out to be a nut job.  Say, what's his name?"

"Donald Trump, he says."

"Never heard of him. Better call me in three minutes."

"Hello, Mr. Markowitz, I'm Donald Trump. I need an attorney and you come highly recommended by Corey Lewandowski."

"Oh yes, Corey. I  represented him on a BAA rap a few years.  Y'know, Being an Asshole."

"I need to lawyer up fast!  My present attorney Mr. Kasowitz looked at my case and won't return my calls."  

"What line of work you in, Mr. Trump?"

"I'm President of the United States."

"Well, what d'ya know?  Myrtle ... Myrtle, call me in 15 minutes.  And make some coffee. Clean the crud out of the coffee maker first."

"Can you tell me about your expertise, Mr. Markowitz?"

"I can tell you that I'm the best ambulance chaser - I mean personal injury attorney - in the county!"

"I'm suffering a personal injury called Impeachment. I've been accused by a bunch of losers of betraying the United States to Russia but they're lying because they can't accept that they lost the election."

"What part of it is a lie, Mr. Trump?"

"The part where the people accusing me are a bunch of losers who are lying because they can't accept that they lost the election."

"I'll handle your case, Mr. Trump, but  first there's the matter of the retainer and fees."

"My finances are a bit tight. I only have ten billion dollars."

"I need $250 to start and $35 an hour.  Oh, and you have to cover my food bill at Taco Bell."

"I'll make some calls."

"As soon as you come up with the scratch, I'll start researching the personal injury of impeachment."

"Thank you, Mr. Markowitz.  You know, I'm the least anti-Semitic person you've ever seen in your entire life."

"Well, what d'ya know? See you later, Mr. Trump."

"Myrtle, see if you can look up a Donald Trump.  Says he's the President of the United States but I'm not sure he's the real deal."

"Oh yeah, I think he is."

"Know what, Myrtle?  If I play my cards right I might get a job at the White House."

"What job, Mr. Markowitz?"

"Secretary of Education."


Sunday, May 21, 2017

Trump at the Speed of Light

Donald Trump is ruining my second act as a humor writer!

How can that be so?  After all, the guy provides more material than a rash of bankruptcies in the Garment District. He's vastly comical in his ignorance, ineptness, stupidity, and even in his potentially ham-handed betrayal of the United States.

But lately his fuck-ups, gaffes, deceptions, lies, and the consequences thereof have been coming at such warp speed that to calculate the proper timing for a Trump parody you'd have to be Neil deGrasse Tyson! 

I'd just completed a hilarious piece about Trump saying that Andrew Jackson would have prevented the War of 1812 if only he wasn't so busy fighting in it, and I was about to send it to McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the holy grail of hip humor, when ....

Oh, shit!  Trump just fired James Comey! That makes the Jackson piece as stale as the jokes in a 90's sitcom!  Now what?  Okay, got a new idea: Trump is going to name Inspector Clouseau as Comey's replacement!  Ha, ha, ha! Gonna send that right over to .... 

Trump just invited the Russians into the Oval Office and gave away highly confidential intel!  The Clouseau piece is now so out-of-date if it were a person it would be wearing bell bottoms. Okay, new idea: Trump brags that "I'm the best traitor! Nobody can sell out America better than me, certainly not the failing Benedict Arnold," and ....

Damn it! And even before I begin writing there’s news a special counsel’s been appointed, Trump called Comey a "nut job," it's a witch hunt, "No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly," and, and, and ...!

There's only one way to deal with Trump at the speed of light. I've got to make my best guess about fuck-ups and falsehoods of the future and write ahead. So if he's in Saudi Arabia right now:

In Israel, Trump tries to bring Israelis and Palestinians together by hosting a pig roast ...When visiting Pope Francis at the Vatican in the heart of St Peter's Square, Trump asks the Pope "so how do you like living in a starter home?"... To complement his prior creation of the term "prime the pump," Trump dazzles world leaders at the G7 by coining the phrases “To be or not to be,” “if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" and "23 skidoo." 

What's that you say?  Trump did what? I didn't write ahead about anything like that!

Donald J. Trump, you are ruining my second act as a humor writer.

And our democracy.

And doing it at the speed of light.


Friday, May 19, 2017

One is the Loneliest Expression

  Donald Trump thinks you're a nut job.

I'm not the first person to notice that right wing pundit Tucker Carlson, Fox News heir to the deposed Bill O'Reilly, has only one expression on his prep school graduate face. 

Whenever he receives information from a guest that liberals and "the Deep State" have been sabotaging the otherwise gloriously successful President of the United States Donald Trump by spreading the vicious, scurrilous, and wholly malignant falsehood that Trump is a douchebag, Carlson evinces a sort of perplexed incredulity.

Haven't watched Carlson? Wouldn't stoop to watching Fox News? You can pat yourself on the back as you are wise, discerning, and true blue American! But then you won't understand this bit, so ...


Tucker,  Barack Obama just fucked your wife.

Tucker, know why liberals are yanking Andrew Jackson off the twenty? 
So President Trump will think Jackson is still alive and go batshit crazy that Jackson hasn't called him. 

Tucker,  President Trump thinks you're cute.

Tucker, Barack Obama is not a Muslim after all.  
He's an alien from the planet Krengie and 

Tucker, what kind of dumbass name is Tucker?

Tucker, one day President Trump will be on Mount Rushmore.
He plans to visit there first thing after he gets out of jail.

Tucker,  liberals are spreading the ridiculous lie that President Trump knows nothing about U.S. History.  Believe me, he knows all about how President Ford was shot in Lincoln Theater!

 Tucker, you've been listening to me like I'm not insane. 
 I don't know the difference between Deep State and Deep Fat!

zip up that fly.

Tucker, about that video with President Trump and the hooker and the peeing? 
When he sees that thing, even Vladimir Putin throws the hell up!

I can't wait to see Tucker's one and only expression in full display tonight when he listens to his guests parsing over today's news .... and all the news to come.


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

President Trump's International Itinerary, As Booked By Mario Perillo Tours

Statement from the Press Secretary on President Donald J. Trump’s Upcoming International Travel:

("Remember my Dad?  He'd have been proud that we've added custom designed Italy vacations ....")

President Trump has insisted that all travel for the White House be booked by Perillo Tours because he's seen this commercial way too many times and he does remember Steve Perillo's dad. The following is the Perillo Tours itinerary developed for Trump for his upcoming international trip. 

May 19: President Trump departs.  Biding him farewell are Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan who will wave handkerchiefs, blow kisses, and otherwise betray their responsibilities as elected officials of the United States to millions upon millions of people worldwide. 

May 20: President Trump will visit King Salman bin Abd Al-Aziz in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. The visit will reaffirm the strong partnership between the United States and Saudi Arabia as the two leaders discuss efforts to defeat terrorist groups and discredit radical ideologies, such as the one espoused by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

May 22: President Trump will next visit President Reuven Rivlin and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel where he will make use of the opportunity to further demonstrate his total lack of understanding of even the most elemental and rudimentary aspects of the Arab-Israeli conflict beyond “maybe Israel should institute a Muslim ban?” 

They will also discuss ways to achieve A Great Deal! between the Israelis and Palestinians to resolve this millennia old conflict which will be "so easy even my evidently mute unqualified son-in-law could do it" and include a warranty to Israel on the West Bank of Two Years or 2,000 Terrorist Attacks, Whichever Comes First.

May 23: President Trump will next accept the invitation of President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority to meet to discuss ways to achieve A Great Deal! between the Israelis and Palestinians to resolve this millennia old conflict which will be "so easy even my evidently mute unqualified son-in-law could do it" and include a warranty to the Palestinians on the West Bank of Two Years or 2,000 Israeli Incursions, Whichever Comes First.

May 24:  Traveling next to Italy, President Trump will meet with His Holiness Pope Francis at the Vatican to discuss cooperation between the United States and the world’s great religions and the Pope will explain to President Trump why references to “what would Jesus do?” will not be particularly helpful in resolving the Arab-Israeli Conflict. 
May 26: From Rome, the President will continue on to previously announced visits to Brussels for the NATO summit and to Sicily for the G7 meeting during which Mr. Trump will be presented with an acrostic to help him remember the names of the nations in the G7.  If he proves able to master it, Mr. Trump will be presented with the Jerry Lewis Announcer's Test.*
May 28: The President will return home to find a man with a well-groomed head of short white hair living in the White House.  Following a period of intense consternation, President Trump will call Steve Perillo for a reasonable place to stay for the night in Washington.

Steve Perillo's dad - Mario Perillo, Mr. Italy - would have been proud! 

*Some Boomers may remember this.  I've been able to do it since I was ten. I doubt Trump would get past "one hen" or "one hen, two ducks," and certainly not past "one hen, two ducks, three squawking geese."  

No way past "squawking geese."

Oh, Ladeees!  Boy, does that guy Trump have an ego!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Tea for Rex Tillerson

I reworked this song a bit.  (Okay, Yusuf?)

Bring tea for Rex Tillerson,

He can't be that dumb.

"Whine" goes the Orange Man, Rex is under his thumb!

Republicans fling their (so-called)hearts away! 

Cause while "the winner" wins,  the big child plays!

Oh Lord, how he plays and plays!

Until that happy day

(when the fucker's impeached)
 What a Happy Day!!!


Rex Tillerson lamely attempted to explain why the issue of Russian interference in the presidential election wasn't even brought up in recent meetings with the Russian foreign minister.  That's what you get when you pick a Secretary of State with the same name as your dog when you were 12!

Bring tea for the Tillerman
Steak for the sun
Wine for the woman who made the rain come
Seagulls sing your hearts away
'Cause while the sinners sin, the children play 
Oh Lord, how they play and play
For that happy day, for that happy day

Friday, May 12, 2017

The Course Guide to Trump University of Fake History

Trump University of
 Fake History
Course Guide

Why study fake history?

Anybody can study actual history if they want to spend time reading!  But what’s the point of  staring at all those dizzying words if the best you can do for yourself is wind up some loser who knows that the dude buried in Grant's tomb has an unpronounceable first name starting with "U?"

I’m rich, folks!  I’m really rich!  And I think the dude buried in Grant’s Tomb is Cary! So what have you got to lose?  

All the professors at Trump University of Fake History are hand-picked by me. Some female professors are also hand-pulled by me.  

Our course offerings for fall 2017 are as follows:


Russia: Terrific Country, Terrific Bunch of People
Instructors: Dr. Carter Page and Dr. Sergey Kislyak. 

Take a tremendous tour of a nation that's twice as large as the USA and filled from sea to landlocked land mass with a great bunch of people, amazing people! Give a huge hello to Boris Godunov, named for a character from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, saddle up with Catherine the Great, and meet Czars and Czarinas who couldn't be keener. Serf's up, folks, this course puts the Putin in Rasputin! 

A History of the Jews
Instructor: Jared Kushner (taught in mime)

A sweeping history of this remarkable people from their founding by Abraham to their liberation by Moses to the discovery of money by all the rest of them. Prominent Jewish leaders are studied including Carl Icahn, Gary Cohn, Rod Rosenstein, Mr. Goldman, Mr. Sachs, and the smoking hot Jewess Ivanka Trump.

The First Crusade
Instructor: General Michael Flynn

The original and the still the greatest.  When Pope Urban called upon Christians to retake the Holy Land for purposes of Urban Renewal, Crusaders converged upon Jerusalem and applied for visas. But the Muslims' vetting process was a joke - a total disaster - and Crusaders poured into the country and  moved the Israeli embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. 

The American Civil Rights Movement
Instructor: Alexander T. Wentworth III

For almost 100 years since the founding of the United States it was legal in the nation for one man to own another man. Thanks to former President Andrew Jackson who lived to be 94 years old, it still is. Could there be an American Civil Rights movement in our future? Guest lecturers include Dr. Ben Carson, a number of very worried white guys, and Frederick Douglass, who is now 199 years old. 

Legacy of the American Revolution
Instructor: Eric "Doris Kearns Goodwin" Trump

You know the names:  Jefferson, Hamilton, Franklin, and Adams --- traitors all!  Thank God they were each hanged and proper autocratic rule restored by King George the … the ... some Roman numeral or other! And it’s a good thing Nathan Hale only had one life to lose for his country because 9 or 10 of them could have fucked up everything. 

The Wonderful World of Shakespeare
Instructor: Hamlet Queeg

“Ahh, but the strawberries that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist and …”

Not certain that’s Shakespeare, but it sounds like somebody I know. 

Pinup Strongmen of World War II
Instructor: V. Putin

Aside from the Holocaust and the brutal starvation and deaths of countless millions throughout the world, WW II wasn’t all bad. Wartime featured an amazing array of powerful strutting strong men who ruled with an iron fist and took no shit. Imagine them all joining me on the veranda at Mar-a-Lago, each  of us topless, tanned, and oiled up from head to toe! Winning! 

Foundations of Western Civilization
Instructor: Donald Trump

An in depth analysis of the scope of European history focusing on events and ideas that have shaped modern notions of western civilization from the birth of democracy in ancient Greece to the rise and fall of the Roman Empire and ensuing Christianization of Europe to the Medieval World and the cultural and spiritual rebirths of the Renaissance and Reformation.

What? You thought I was a dumbass at everything?