The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

 

                                      

Note:  Here's another sketch everyone hated, so it shares the status of an "unsold

pilot." I think it has sort of a Monty Python vibe, so I'm parking it here.

WTF.   

                                The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

                Cast

                 Dr. Romberg

                 Mr. and Mrs. Rogers

                 Chad, Dr. Romberg's assistant               

                 Premise: Dr. Romberg is totally unable to look at a set of facts and draw                   the obvious correct conclusion.

                  Scene: Dr. Romberg's office.   

                                           DR. ROMBERG

Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Rogers. Nice to see you.

                    MR.ROGERS

 Thank you, Doctor Romberg.

MRS. ROGERS

 Yes, thank you, doctor. You know we've been waiting with baited breath ever since we had our tests taken last week.

MR.ROGERS

We just want to make sure everything's fine and dandy before we try to start a family.

DR.ROMBERG 

Ah yes, your fertility tests, I know how much you want a child. Before we discuss your status I need to speak with my office assistant.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers sit down. Doctor Romberg picks up intercom and speaks.

DR.ROMBERG

 Chad, please hold all my calls while the Rogers are here. That's right, I'll talk to anyone and everyone who calls.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers look at each other in puzzlement.

          DR.ROMBERG

Now, folks, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The two of you will not be able to have children.

MR.ROGERS AND MRS. ROGERS

  OH, NO!

MR.ROGERS

Is it me? Am I the problem?

DR. ROMBERG

 Oh, no, Mr. Rogers. You could father an army!

                    MRS. ROGERS

 Then it's me.

DR.ROMBERG

 No, Mrs. Rogers, you're fine as well.

MR.ROGERS

 Then what's the problem?

DR.ROMBERG

 Well, you see, I'm a terrible fertility doctor. I have absolutely no ability to look at a set of facts and draw the right conclusion.

            MR.ROGERS

Oh!  So then we can have children?

DR. ROMBERG

 Absolutely not, in my professional opinion. Which is based on my total inability to process information and data.

MRS. ROGERS

 Well, that's terrible news. I'm crushed!

DR.ROMBERG

 I'm so sorry. That is, sorry that I have no ability to analyze test results that are as clear as the nose on my face.

MR. ROGERS

 I just got an idea! Why not run the tests again and that will give you another chance to look at the results and get it right?

DR. ROMBERG

 No, no, no, that won't make any difference!

MR. ROGERS

 Why?

DR. ROMBERG

 You'll pass the tests again with flying colors and I'll get everything wrong again! You have to understand that my ability to reason is totally nil.

MRS. ROGERS

 Would this work? You just look at the test results one more time and this time tell us the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever you conclude.

DR. ROMBERG

What are you saying?!  Do you think I  have no ethics, no scruples?                   

MRS. ROGERS

 I'm so sorry, doctor. I apologize.

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we have a lot of faith in you.

DR. ROMBERG

 You shouldn't.

MR.ROGERS 

But ... maybe we should get a second opinion.

DR.ROMBERG

 In my judgment, any other doctor will come to the same conclusion I have. But since my judgment is always wrong, congratulations you two!

MRS. ROGERS

 Thank you, doctor. You've made us very happy!

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we don't know how to thank you!

The Rogers leave. Dr. Romberg speaks into the Intercom.

DR. ROMBERG

 Chad, do I have any more appointments for the day?

CHAD

No, doctor, you have no appointments scheduled for this afternoon.

DR. ROMBERG 

Damn. I was hoping to get home early tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Trans-Generational Newscast

 

Note: My blog generally sits idle these days so I thought I'd just post random shit when the mood strikes me. This is a several years old comedy sketch, never performed, which I updated.  It ain't great, but it ain't terrible either.

This post is only for Baby Boomers.  I know this because I once pitched it to my sketch comedy group made up mostly of 30-somethings and they had no idea what it was about.  If you are under 60, do not read!  

Of course, I don't expect anyone to read it.

The Trans-Generational Newscast

Cast

Guy Greenleaf, Boomer News Anchor

Ellen Dozier, Boomer News Anchor

Jodie Andrews, young woman reporter

Randi Rogers, young woman reporter

Cindy Wexler, young woman reporter

George, the producer

Young Staffer

 

Premise:  Older cable news anchors Guy Greenleaf and Ellen Dozier (in the manner of, say, Wolf Blitzer), are dumbfounded by all the attractive young female reporters on their show and, despite the fact that they are all highly qualified, lament the days when the airwaves were filled with middle-aged white guys like them. Guy – a little bit of a dolt - is more aghast by it all, Ellen is more begrudgingly accepting. She also tends to put down Guy’s pretensions.

Scene:  Two anchors are sitting at a desk.

ELLEN DOZIER

This is CMM, and we welcome you here in the United States and around the world and back again. I'm Ellen Dozier.

GUY GREENLEAF

And I’m Guy Greenleaf.

 

“Breaking     Graphic appears with music. 

GUY GREENLEAF

We have Breaking News!  There's a further development about Trump’s proposed bill to replace the words “Birthright Citizenship” with “Birthright Deportation” in the U.S. Constitution, which has been moving briskly through both Republican houses of Congress.  With more on the story is our Senior White House Correspondent Jodie Andrews.

Jodie app

JODIE ANDREWS

Guy, Trump's proposed bill  to enshrine "Birthright Deportation" in the Constitution along with the words “Birthright Citizenship is a Far-Left Woke Democratic Conspiracy Like No One’s Ever Seen Before" has just passed both houses of Congress!”

 

GUY GREENLEAF

(aside to Ellen) My, Ellen, they keep getting younger and younger, don't they? Is there any correspondent or commentator left on cable news today who isn't an attractive woman under 35?

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Yeah. Us.

 

JODIE ANDREWS

And Senator Lindsey Graham has just now broken down in tears exclaiming “the bill is beautiful, reads like poetry!”

ELLEN DOZIER

Thank you, Jodie, for that great update.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

(aside) Gee, how old do you think she is, anyway?

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Old enough to be our granddaughter.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Our granddaughter?!  But we don’t have a …I mean, aside from that one weekend during lockdown … Oh, I see!

 

ELLEN DOZIER

And we have Broken News!    There's been an incredible development just now in the Senate as the "Birthright Deportation" bill has passed. With more  is our Senior Congressional Correspondent Randi Rogers.

GUY GREENLEAF

(aside) Boy, she's even younger, isn't she? How old do you suppose she is?

ELLEN DOZIER

I'm not sure. Maybe 25 or 28.

GUY GREENLEAF

25 or 28? When I was that age, I still had hair.

ELLEN DOZIER

Nah, pretty sure you didn't.

RANDI ROGERS

Ellen, just now Senator Graham has suddenly grown a second head!  Senator Graham says he's delighted that this has happened, stating “Now I can support even the most bat-shit crazy thing President Trump says with one head and with the other - should the wind ever shift away from Trump -  deny I ever liked him or even knew him.” 

GUY GREENLEAF

Two different heads, Randi, has this ever happened before?

RANDI ROGERS

Speaking out of both sides of one’s mouth is not uncommon but two separate heads is something new.  A handy thing for shameless Republicans to have these days in case Trump is ever voted out of office. That is, except for Marjorie Taylor Greene who has just now said “This one head is stupid enough to cover everything.” Ellen?

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Great reporting, Randi, thank you.   Y’know Randi graduated both from the Johns Hopkins School of Political Science and Harvard Law School.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Ellen, every one of these young women is excellent, but where are the middle-aged news folks of yore? Where's Walter Cronkite? Where's Eric Sevareid? Where's Morley Safer? 

ELLEN DOZIER

Dead. Now let’s move on.

GUY GREENLEAF

And  we have Broken to Bits News!  Here's Cindy Wexler with more on the story.

Broke

CINDY WEXLER

Guy, Trump has just announced that he's imposing stiff tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and California. In his announcement Trump repeated his oft quoted words that "the most beautiful word in the dictionary is tariff," to which many Americans have replied "Trump has a dictionary?"

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Gee, she’s the youngest yet!

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Cindy, uhh, just out of curiosity, how old are you?

CINDY WEXLER

I don't know why you're asking that, Uncle Guy, since you were both at my bat mitzvah last year.

 

GUY GREENLEAF

Fourteen! This is nuts. Great as they all are, every correspondent is young and great looking! This is unfair to us middle aged reporters.

ELLEN DOZIER

And even more unfair to us old as shit reporters.

GUY GREENLEAF

Hey, George! George! Mr. Producer, get in here!

GEORGE

Guy, you're in the middle of a broadcast. What the fuck!

GUY GREENLEAF

I've had it, George! Everywhere we look are great locking young women! They're at the White House, at Congress, at the Pentagon, at every mass random shooting anywhere in the United States, which equals at least two more beautiful young women every day.

ELLEN DOZIER

(wistful) ... blondes, brunettes, red heads, shoulder length hair, one side brushed back behind their backs ...

GUY GREENLEAF

Yeah, with actual hair to brush! Why all these young women, George?

GEORGE

Because they appeal to our demographic, Guy. Nobody wants to look at you anymore.

ELLEN DOZIER

I guess I have to agree with that.

GUY GREENLEAF

Well, I don't think it's right we Boomers are discriminated against, and I just might walk right off the set!

GEORGE

You must be reading my mind! You know the contracts for you two are up for renewal and frankly it’s time for a change.

GUY GREENLEAF

How can that be? Our contracts aren't that old.

GEORGE

Guy, they were written with a quill pen!

 

ELLEN DOZIER

Guy, I think George is saying it's time for us to go. At least for you to go.

GEORGE

Nah, it's time for both of you.

GUY GREENLEAF

Well, I’m not leaving.

Young staffer enters and he and George literally lift Guy and carry him off as he’s still spouting news jargon like “This is CMM” and “Breaking News,” “Broken News, etc.” Ellen watches this, shrugs, and hurries off too.

 

ELLEN DOZIER

(to George)

Don’t worry, I’m going too!

Randi and  Jodie and Randi take their places in the anchors’ chairs. .…

JODIE ANDREWS

This is CMM, and we welcome you here in the United States and around the world and back again. I'm Jodie Andrews.

 

RANDI ROGERS

And I’m Randi Rogers.  And we have Breaking News!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Great  MSNBC Reporters:  Nicole Wallace, Andrea Mitchell, Hallie Jackson, Stephanie Ruhl, and Katy Tur.  Even Guy Greenleaf would approve.