The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter

Once it seemed like you were made for each other, you and Twitter.

Yes, Twitter brought you your own little window on the world in 140 characters or less. Suddenly obscure little you became a major league player in the worlds of politics, world affairs, entertainment, and looking at mangy cats. You mixed and mingled with interesting and exotic people from around the world who, were they to have met you in person, would never have deigned to mix and mingle with obscure little you at all.  

But gradually there have come to be issues. Every time you receive an RT you do a victory lap around the room and high five your stuffed bear. You send birthday presents to everyone you are following on Twitter including @KimJongUnDude. Lately as you spend even more and more time on Twitter, you need to be regularly re-introduced to those two diminutive people who live in your house named Kristin and Timmy.

It is close to the breaking point.  Here are:

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter 

10) That huge emoji overhead when you go outside?  That's the sun, asshole!

9) You follow everyone that Twitter recommends you follow even if their profiles include the words "Proud Craigslist Stalker," "Conspiracy Theorist Who Believes You Killed John F. Kennedy,"or "Republican."

8) You named your first born son "Woot!"

7) You are convinced that Kim Kardashian is tweeting just for you!

6) You frequently use the hashtag #HELPMEOMGPLEASEHELPME!

5) Can't get enough dick jokes even if they're just about a guy named Dick.

4) You follow that idiot @PerryBlock.

3) You are fuming that you flunked the tryouts for Team Follow Back.

2)You type LOL after every one of your tweets, even if they're about economic infrastructure and agrarian land reform.

And the Number One Sign You Need To Cool It On Twitter,

1) You're so busy with Twitter that when someone mentions pornography you say "Porn?  Is that on the web too?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Adventures of Super Ass, Internet Breaker!

On the set of the cable reality show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." Kim Kardashian is seen alone in her room.

Kim: This is terrible! (beginning to cry) I was promised they would not show my breasts! Then they print these awful pictures that were meant just for my husband, Usher!

Director:  Kim, that's Kanye West.

Kim: (crying hysterically) Kanye Whatever!  What do they think I am, some kind of blatant and shameless publicity seeker?!  I swear as God is my witness I will never pose naked again!

Director: And that's cut!  Kim, that was wonderful!  How did you manage to bring out the tears in that scene?

Kim: I thought about the fact that some people in the remotest areas of the four corners of the world have never yet seen my tits, and I just lost it! 

Director: Don't worry, Kim. Someday they will. Someday they will.

Kim:  Look! Overhead!

Director:  What is it? That beam of light in the sky?

Kim: It's the Ass Signal! To the Ass Pole!

Kim grabs a bucket of skin oil and ducks into her dressing room as she begins to pull down her pants. The scene shifts to the downtown hotel room of famed comedian Bill Cosby, where Cosby is seen with a young model named Samantha. 

Cosby: Hey, hey, hey,  Samantha!  Let me mix you my special drink.

Samantha: That would be nice, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby:  It's called the Cosby Cock-tail.  It's aptly named.   

Samantha: Bottoms up, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby:  Let's hope so, hey, hey, hey!  

Samantha: Gee, I never had a bubbling drink like this before. 

Cosby:  So then Fat Albert was running down the street in North Philadelphia and he said "throw me the ball" but then he bumped into Old Weird Harold and Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert decided to go the corner store to buy gum, but Fat Albert said that gum would stick to the ball and Old Weird Harold .... 

Samantha:  I'm beginning to get drowsy, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby:  The drugs! They must be starting to work.

Samantha:  It isn't the drugs, Mr. Cosby, it's your boring totally unfunny monologue. I can't fight it, my eyes are closing!

Cosby:  Either way, hey, hey, hey!

Cosby begins advancing on Samantha as she falls to the ground.  Suddenly the window shatters and in flies a huge well-oiled ass, with a big red S on its thighs!

Cosby: Oh, no!  It's  Super Ass, Internet Breaker!  

Super Ass: Hello, Cos. Long time, no see. 

Cosby:  What are you doing here, Super Ass?

Super Ass: Your behavior is despicable, Cos.  I've come to stop it! 

Cosby: You mean doping and ravishing young girls?

Super Ass: No, you idiot, I mean getting too damn much attention on the Internet!  Some people are actually posting about you instead of me!

Cosby: Stay back, Super Ass, or I'll blow the Internet sky high with further revelations!

Super Ass: You don't scare me, Cosby! Prepare to die! On the Internet, that is.

Super Ass knocks Cosby to the ground, flies to the sleeping Samantha and snatches her up,  and carries her to safety.  

Super Ass:  See, Cos?  Now you've done nothing disgusting tonight. Nothing to post about.

Cosby:  (seeing the benefit) That's right.  That's .... good!

Super Ass:  Next I'll travel into the past and undo every other sexual outrage of yours so there'll be nothing notable about you in 2014 except your liver spots.  

Cosby: Gee, thanks Super Ass!  Hey, hey, hey!

Super Ass: Don't mention it, Cos.  Removing a pathetic old pervert like you as a rival in my attempt to Break the Internet is my pleasure! 

Super Ass flies into the sky, off for her next Internet Breaking adventure! 

On-Lookers from the Street: 

Look up in the sky!

It's Absurd! 

It's a Shame!

It's ....

 Super Ass, Internet Breaker!  

Have you posted about her today?

The End (no pun intended)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Royal Baby Speaks

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just received some amazing news about the the newly arrived  Royal Baby, the son of Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton.  The as yet unnamed Prince of Cambridge, the heir to the British throne,  has incredibly been born with the power of speech!  This is Anderson Cooper of CNN --- the Certainly Not the News Network --- speaking to you exclusively  from just outside of Princess Kate's vagina!"

"Royal Baby, Royal Baby, can you hear me?"

"Huh?"

"Royal Baby, can you hear me?""

"You talking to me?

"YES, ROY-AL BA-BY!  I WANT-ED TO ASK YOU ..."

"You don't have to shout. I just wanted to make sure  you weren't talking to some evil twin popping out right behind me."

"So you are able to hear all right?"

"Yeah, pretty much all the amniotic fluid has drained out of my ears. Wouldn't hurt if you had a Q-tip though." 

"Tell me, Royal Baby, do  you  have anything to say to the world?"

"Well, two things come to mind --- antiquated and unnecessary."

"What does that mean?"

"Beats me.  I was hoping you knew.

"Royal Baby, how are you feeling?"

"I'm a baby, Mr. Cooper.  I have no frame of reference."

"Of course.  Now that you've been born, Royal Baby, anything you feel like doing?"

"Yes, there is, but I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you."

"Go ahead.  I'm Anderson Cooper of CNN.  You have to tell me!"

"Well, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything."

"Again, I'm Anderson Cooper, Royal Baby."

"Well, I feel like sucking on a woman's breasts.  Weird, huh?"

"No, perfectly normal. You may feel like doing that for the better part of your life."

"OH, THANK GOD!"

"Royal Baby, do you know who you are?"

"From all the  attention I've been getting, I think maybe I'm Kim Kardashian's kid.  Either that or I just married Justin Bieber." 

"No, Royal Baby.  You are the Prince of Cambridge, the heir to the British throne.  One day you will be nothing less than the King of England!"

"Is that as good as being a Kardashian?"

"Almost."

"So if I get to be the king, I'm going to rule a mighty nation?  Wage war, ensure peace, decide the fates of my countrymen?  Go on Crusades, sign the Magna Carta,  order the sea to retreat before me, marry a lot of chicks named Catherine?"

"No, pretty much you'll be playing polo and going on vacations where paparazzi will attempt to take pictures of your mother's breasts with telescoping cameras."

"There's that breast thing again!  Doesn't sound like I'll have much to do."

"Well, you're going to be the subject of the world's curiosity.  All eyes will be upon everything you do for the rest of your life."

"Don't I ever get any privacy?"

"If you want privacy, you might try getting yourself a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network or hanging out with Chevy Chase." 

"Say, what's this white stalk-like thing sticking out of my stomach?"

"That's what left of your umbilical cord, Royal Baby.  It's vestigial now, no longer serves a purpose."

"Gee, that reminds me of those words antiquated and unnecessary again. Not sure why." 

"Royal Baby, do you have a preference for the name you will ultimately be given?"

"Well, I've always been partial to the name Mohammed." 

"You may want to pick out a second best.  Finally, Royal Baby, anything else you'd like to say to the peoples of the world?"

"Yes, there is." 

"What's that?"

"That damn scrawl at the bottom of the screen is really annoying!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Say You Want a Resolution?

You say you want a resolution?

Actually, you don't.  You should want to make a resolution for 2013 about as much as you want discretion lessons from General Petraeus. 

New Year's resolutions are the source of more guilt than a battalion of Jewish mothers.  A 2007 survey showed that 88% of all people who set New Year's resolutions fail to keep them, a figure we know to be reliable because the researcher performing the survey had resolved for 2007 to be slipshod and inaccurate in surveys about resolutions.

And face facts: there's little doubt the 12% of folks who actually succeed with their resolutions have been keeping every one made since birth, unlike you and me who've been breaking them regularly since we first resolved to stop sucking on our pacifiers in the middle of the last century. 

So you still say you want a resolution?  Here's why you don't:

1) Increase your vocabulary. 
Want to start throwing words like indolent and ingenuous around?   Dude, you're not about to be hired by the New York Review of Books and the lazy and simple-minded idiots you hang with wouldn't understand you anyway.

2) Get a better job.
In this economy?  Look, you're putting food on the table.  Granted it's a very small table.

3) Stop your excessive drinking.
Instead, join the Republican Party; you'll learn all about the wasteful federal programs for the 47% who won't take responsibility for their own lives.  Sign up for each one and pretty soon you'll be living better than Mitt Romney.  And you'll still be drinking!

4) Watch less television.
There's a rumor Kim Kardashian might take off her top this year.  You going to miss that? 

5)  Lose weight.
So you get on a scale and it makes a highly audible "BOINGGG" sound and the needle spins like a seismograph in the middle of an earthquake. Sure, you could resolve to lose weight but if you're over 45 nobody's going to want to have sex with you anyway. Relax and enjoy the Swedish meatballs. 

6) Stop procrastinating
I'll come up with a rationalization for this one later.

7) Volunteer to help those suffering through a disaster.  
 Why? What did the victims of Hurricane Sandy ever do for you all the years you were married?

8) Join a gym.
Gyms and fitness centers in January look like the national convention of the American Society of Endormorphs & Ectomorphs. By February they resemble a 3-D audiovisual depiction of your social life.  Why hand money over to a cynical corporation so thoroughly on to you?

9)  Stop Biting Your Nails.
Yeah, you could do this. Odds are you're going to wind up biting something else, like my nails or the nails of the guy on the bus next to you. 

10) Be a Better Person.
You?

Hope all of this is helpful.  But what, after all, is the one true reason that you ought to never say you want a resolution?

That's the one.

Happy New Year! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, the Lame Places You'll Go!

 Oh, the Lame Places  

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You're off to Lame Places!
You're off and away!


You have feet in your head.
You have brains in your shoes.
You can steer yourself  
but any direction, you lose!

You're on you own. And you know what you know.
And it isn't that much, YOU'RE an ignorant shmoe! 

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with ennui.
About some you will say, "too much effort, not me!" 
With your shoes full of brains and your head full of feet, 
you'll stumble and bumble down just about any old street.

And you probably won't find any
you've the gonads to tred.
In that case, of course, 
you'll head straight back to bed!

It's much safer, you'll swear
"On my Beauty Rest so fair!"

Out there,

 Shit Can Happen!

it's invariably true
to people as incompetent
and inept as you!

And when shit starts to happen,
You'll worry. You'll stew.
With perfectly good reason
Because UP you will SCREW!

OH! THE LAME PLACES YOU'LL GO!

Are you on your way up?
Are you seeing great sights?

Nah, you're watching the tube,
It's Kardashian Nights.

C'mon, don't lag behind,  if you must take some speed,
and some downers and cocaine and hashish and weed.

Wherever you fly, you'll think life's a big bash,
But wherever you go ... BOOOM!!! my friend, you will crash!

Except from now on you don't.
Eight trips to Rehab say you won't.

Still I'm confident to say so
and, verily, it's true
that Car Bang-ups

and Phone Hang-ups

will happen always to you!


Life will have you all strung up
It can sting like a birch.
And the gang will fly on
You're less popular than Lurch!

That's the Addams Family's Lurch,
You dumb ignorant chump!
And the chances are finally 
You've caught on you're a Shlump!

And when you're a Shlump
you're not in for much fun.
Un-shlumping yourself
by a Shlump's never been done!

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Told you not to use Mapquest! You're surrounded, it's dark!
Six fullbacks are pummeling your head, face, and chin!

And there's nary a cop out. When you need 'em, they're in. 
How much can you lose? All you got, Gunga Din! 

Now, if you go in, should you turn left or right ...
or right-and-three-quarters? 

At SEX, you're a fright!  

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Your date will cry "Foul!" and no doubt you will find,
She will mind-maker-upper to dump your behind!

You can get so confused
you go out and buy Mace,
and spray it on peaceful protesters right in the face!

And the world will brand you a disgusting disgrace!
Better hurry right back to your favorite place ...


                          THE WHINING PLACE ... 

...for people just whining.

Whining like a pain, you know
annoying all so they wish you'd go,
whining about all that rain, all that snow,
or why you didn't ding-a-ling Marilyn Monroe,

or about what you'd do if your Big Chance would show,
or why your scant hairs just won't grow.


Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.

Whining that the fish don't bite,
or whining that your date's a repulsive sight, 
or whining why your house is such urban blight,
or whining why you don't have Body by Jake,

or some pot to smoke, or a theatrical leg to break,
or teeth like pearls or expensive implants,
or a string of girls with your great big shvantz.


Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.   

SHUT THE HELL UP!

KNOW!

That's so you!

The only way you'll escape
all that wailing and braying
is if I drag you out somewhere,
anywhere, long as ABBA's not playing!

With your fly flip-flapping,
once more you'll squeak by,
messing up everything under the sky.
Stepping in elephant poop cause you're a poop-steppin' guy!

Oh, the Lame Places you'll go!  There's seeds unsown to bemoan!
There are points you won't score. There are games to be blown. 
And the marginal things you can do with that ball

will make you the losing-est loser of all.
Lame! You'll be a lame-ass as lame-ass can be, 
with the whole wide world watching you scratch your nuts on TV. 

Except sometimes you won't 
Because make the team, mostly you don't! 

And, yes, there'll be times
you'll play lonely games too,
like solitaire on the PC
and the loser'll always be you. 

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
When those sexual urges hit
you'll be alone quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll need websites and videos to get off neath your pants! 
Hot babes? Yeah, right, loser, go you hither and yon,
you'll be lucky to nail a female Elton John! 

But on you will go.
"Nah, the weather's too foul."
On you will go.
"Nah, can't miss A Night with Simon Cowell."

On you will go.
"Nah, our neighbors, the Hakken-Kraks, might howl."
Onward up many channels,
you lame TV freak,
though your arms may get sore
from clicking something even dumber to seek!

On and on you will hike.
... from your TV not far.
and succumb to your problems
however lame-o they are!

You're get mixed up, of course,
you'll be readily whacked.
You'll get mixed up
with strange turds like the GOP Presidential pack.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care, watch for shit,
and remember that Life's
one Piece of Crap SNL Bit!

And never forget though you're sad and bereft,
That everyone's nuts on the far right and far left!

And will you succeed?
Are you kidding, dickweed?
You'll wind up in the toilet,

On you Life will have peed!

So ...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray


AHHH ... I'm just having some fun in my typical way!


Yes, you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting

so .... 

Good Luck and Oy Vay!

the end
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~