Thursday, May 24, 2018

How to Work Effectively from Your Home Office When Godzilla Attacks

Working from home has become a regular part of the American business landscape, and there are an abundance of books and articles dealing with how to establish an efficient work practice from where you live.

Few however have provided effective guidance for successfully working from home when Godzilla attacks.  That is, few until now.

The cardinal rule for working from home or apartment is of course to set up a separate area for sleep and a separate area for work.  Godzilla doesn't care about this, but a  healthy body does.  So make sure to do it!
Once your home office is established, you must be continuously prepared for the possibility that Godzilla may attack and disrupt your daily workflow. Get in the habit of watching the local news regularly; the distractingly attractive weather and/or traffic person in the morning will often provide tri-state Godzilla sightings and updates. Another excellent source of information is, which tracks the giant lizard around the world and even features Anderson Cooper reporting evenings at 11:00.

When organizing your work assignments for the next day, always factor in the risk that Godzilla may be on the rampage. Every to-do list should at the very least contain:

  •                            Wear asbestos suit.
  •                            Check level of Oxygen Destroying Tablets.
  •                            Organize survivors into cave-dwelling foraging community to begin civilization anew (if applicable).

Another important rule:  Always stay in close contact with your corporate office throughout the day.  This helps you to remain perceived as a regular and essential part of the ongoing conduct of business despite your working remotely, and also facilitates your cries for help being readily heard by co-workers should Godzilla be chewing on your internal organs at the moment.

If you are skyping with co-workers at the corporate office and you hear anguished screams and see jetties of blood spurting across your computer monitor, it’s likely the corporate office has been demolished and your co-workers digested or decapitated. Check with any other locations of the company to see if colleagues are available there to pick up the slack and work remotely with you on current projects.

Even when you have a very busy schedule and/or Godzilla is slamming down buildings one or two blocks away, it is important to take regular breaks.  Go out and meet a friend, take a nice walk, or give badly-needed blood at the nearest makeshift clinicA bit of me-time will help you fight off the kind of afternoon letdown that makes you want to nap. And fire-breathing behemoth massacring hundreds of people or not, succumbing to a nap can be a notorious time waster.

What do you do if Godzilla should poke his face right into the window where you are working?
Plan A: Sometimes Godzilla actually turns out to be a man in a lizard suit. Look for a zipper around his neck and if you find it, try to unzip it. 

Plan B: If Godzilla bares his teeth and they are sharp and menacing, forget the zipper.  Pack up your essential devices, scurry down the steps of your building and out into the street, raise your arm upward, point, and shout:
  “Look, Godzilla!” 

This is de rigueur.

Then find a Starbucks. They’re never very far away, and provided you order a cappuccino or espresso you can tap into their free WIFI, set up a home-away-from-home office, and stay there all day. (Exceptions may apply.) 

By now U.S. Air Force jets have hopefully blasted Godzilla back into the sea, so with a bit of perseverance you may make up any time lost and still wrap up by 5:00 or 5:30. Once you have neatly crossed every item off your to-do list, sign off for the day, pack up all your equipment and devices and head home at last.

Assuming there is a home to head home to.


Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Despair, a Dark Testament of the Soul

Perry Block stumbled out of bed and made his way into the bathroom. 

Everything was getting so out of hand, he thought!

After grabbing his slippers and robe to put them on to head into the bathroom, everything was now out of Perry’s hands.  And on his person.

It was exactly 6:00 A.M Thursday morning.  Lingering for a moment in the bathroom, Perry paused to take a long hard look in the mirror.

He didn't like what he saw! 

There was a smudge on the mirror's lower left-hand corner.  He took a towel and wiped it off.

Perry sat on the corner of the bed and thought of Angelique.  He knew she would soon be bidding him "goodbye" and "farewell."

Perry had told her he found her habit of saying "adios" extremely annoying, and she'd promised from now on she'd always say either "farewell" or "goodbye" instead.

True, Angelique wasn't pretty. 

She was gorgeous. 

And yes, the two of them had gone through some serious sexual problems together.  But now that Angelique had gotten used to having fantastic sex with Perry 6 or 7 times a night, those problems had faded away.

Perry's professional's life had lately been fraught with emotional strifegut-wrenching conflict, and a horrific major disaster!

As a top Hollywood producer, Perry’s pictures covered a wide range of genres, all of which earned him millions of dollars.  In the last year he had concentrated on serious drama, and his disaster movie, Pee Wee's Big Poseidon Adventure, had been especially profitable.

The phone rang.  Perry picked up the receiver.

"Perry Block?"

"Yes, that's me."

"This is Death."

Anguish.  Despondency.  Hopelessness.

"Perry," whimpered Death, "I am in anguish!  BTW, I'm despondent and hopeless too."

"Why's that, Death?"

"Because you've beaten me! You'll never die!"  

"You've got to get a hold of yourself, Death!" said Perry. "It isn't as if somebody didn't die.  Except me."

"Perry, would you - kind of - take me under your wing?"

Perry penciled Death in for a half hour appointment a week from Friday, right before he was scheduled to go snorkeling with Scarlett Johansson, and hung up.

On the other end of the phone, Death felt reassured that he'd soon be seeing Perry Block.

At long last his bitter despair - the dark testament of his soul - began to lift.


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

The Book of Genesis as Condensed and Revised for Humanists

1) In the beginning a burst of intense energy and an explosion of particle matter created the Sun and the Earth among billions of other celestial bodies throughout the known universe.

2)  And the Earth was without form and void and the Rotation of the Earth around the Sun, as personified such that it hypothetically possessed the capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let there be light” and there was light.

3) And the Rotation of the Earth metaphorically saw it was good: and the Rotation of the Earth divided the light from the darkness. And the Rotation of the Earth metaphorically called the light Day, and the darkness Night.

4) And the evening and the morning of countless eons upon eons as condensed into one week for the purpose of understanding the proportionality of time were the first Suppositional Day.

5) And the operating principles of Geology, Hydrology, and Rock and Soil   
Erosion, as personified such that they hypothetically possessed the  capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together unto one place (Editor’s Note: “one place” was originally used for simplicity's  sake; actually ”multiple places”), and let the dry land appear, and metaphorically called the dry land Earth and the gathering together of the waters called Seas.

6) And the Operating Principles above metaphorically saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the second Suppositional Day. 

7) And the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Botany, Zoology, Cetology, Ichthyology, and Ornithology), as personified such they hypothetically possessed the capabilities of speech, sight, and the blessing of  living things, metaphorically said, “Let the earth and the waters bring forth grass and the fruit tree, the moving creatures that hath life, fowl that  fly above the earth, and beasts of the field and metaphorically blessed them, metaphorically saying “Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas and multiply on the earth.”

8) And Process of Evolution above metaphorically saw that it was good. And the evenings and the mornings were the third, fourth and fifth Suppositional Days.

9) And on the sixth Suppositional Day, the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Psychology, Sociology, and Human Sexuality as researched by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, as personified such that they hypothetically possessed the capabilities of creation, speech, sight, and the blessing of living things, metaphorically created man and woman in an image patterned after no one in particular, metaphorically blessed them, and metaphorically said onto them:“Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Earth!” 

10) And on the seventh Suppositional Day, all the above forces, as personified such that they all hypothetically possessed the capability to rest, metaphorically got all comfy, shut their eyes, and went to sleep.

11) Which particular concept, even metaphorically, is nuts!


And for more expert Biblical commentary, please turn to Page 1 in your Prayer Books and read silently while I read aloud.

Monday, May 14, 2018

"Even More Ways that I, Donald J. Trump, am Better than Obama"


"Even More Ways I'm Better than Obama"

"Kim Jong-un likes me best."

"My hands are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Has Obama ever given Putin a sponge bath?"

"Obama comes from Kenya while I, a true blue American, don't even know where on the map of South America Kenya is!"

"A family of egrets is living in my hair. Obama only has some mild dandruff."

"I'll bet Obama doesn't even look at pictures of porn stars!"

"Not only did I insult John McCain I insulted every POW in history. Obama never even insulted John McCain."

"Obama's only had one wife. I've had three!"

"Rodrigo Duterte likes me best."

"My ears are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Did Obama ever get birdies back to back on Martin Luther King Day?" 

"Obama couldn’t manage a Russian Reset. I’m going to pull off a Russian Regret!"

"Wait til you hear me sing Amazing Grace!"

"Everything about me is smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Obama ever found a University named after him?"

"Have you ever heard Obama say anything as bi-partisan as There were very fine people on both sides?"

"I know how to have WAY more fun in Moscow than Obama does." 

"Sean Hannity likes me best.  But you knew that."


Saturday, May 12, 2018

Podcast Perry II

I’ve found that one of the most effective ways to gain exposure to sell my book Perry Block – Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute is by appearing on podcasts.

Recently I was privileged to do three podcasts in one day.


“Howdy folks, this is Farm, Fields, and Manure, your podcast about the milkin' cow life.  I’m your host, Clem Fairweather. We's have a special guest today Mr. Perry Block, a city feller, who's gonna tell us about a book he's written."

"Thanks, Clem.  Its' a pleasure to be here.  Uhh, what's that smell, Clem?" 

"Horse shit.  It's a common smell around a farm."

"How..uh .. nice."

"You get to like it when you grow up on a farm.  Now here's a present we give to all guests on our show, Peery."

"Thank you. An ear of corn. With bites taken out of it."

"Ha! I didn't notice Ol' Betsy took a few bites.  Heh-heh-heh."

"Ol' Betsy. Your horse?"

"No, me wife! Now Peery you're the first JEW! we ever had on Farm, Fields, and Manure.  Lemme ask you something I've always wondered about."


"Where are your horns?"


From there it was over to You're in Focus, a podcast run by photographer Marv Clickson, who took my photograph for the back cover of my book.

"Perry Block is here to talk about his new book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute," said Marv.  "Welcome, Perry!"

"Thank you, Marv."

"You know, folks, I took Perry’s picture for the cover of his book.”

"Actually it was the back cover, Marv.  Anyway, my book is about a Baby Boomer who's struggling to deal with the advancing..."

"Excuse me, Perry, but looking at you again, I'm just amazed at the job I did making you look palatable!"

"Yeah, you did great.  Now my book is kind of a ..."

"You have those sunken eyes, enormous nose, blotches all over your skin. Fixing you up is a tribute to my photographic skills!"

"Umm ... getting back to my book."

"Let me explain the technique I used, folks. I had to use a new kind of filter called "Aging Douche Control"“...

Finally I was scheduled for a podcast the promised a true opportunity to wax eloquent about my book and maybe pot a few sales. It was called Book Blatherings. 

"This is Matthew Stephenson for Book Batherings. A warm hello to book lovers everywhere. And a warm hello to Perry Block, who is our guest today.

"Thank you Matthew, I very much look forward to discussing my book today on your very book-centric show.

"Who are your favorite authors, Perry?"
"I like Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Joyce, and of course Shakespeare."

"Ah Shakespeare! Shakespeare the Bard! Will of Avon!

"What plays do you love?"

"Umm ... I very much like Julius Caesar.  King Lear next.   But aren't we here to talk about my book?”

“Let’s recite some Shakespeare together, Perry, shall we?  How about some King Lear?”

  “But … but … but…”

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.

   “Great, Matthew… but ... but ... ”

   “And now Act I, Scene I of Julius Caesar!” 


Well, folks, maybe not today,  but tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, I’ll give it all another shot.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial

The Steering Wheel Dial.

If the term hasn’t been coined yet, let’s coin it now.
We’re all familiar with the Pocket Dial when your cell phone bumps against the side of your pocket and embarrassingly dials the number of one of your friends who is annoyed as hell because it’s 3:30 AM!
And who doesn’t like you enough to want to hear from you any time of day!
The Steering Wheel Dial takes embarrassment a step further, occurring when your hands knock against the buttons on your steering wheel linking your Bluetooth phone to the car’s audio. Unlike the relatively innocent Pocket Dial, a Steering Wheel Dial is all your fault! 

“Hello, Perry?"
“Oh, gee Farbman, I didn’t mean to call you.”
“Oh, it was a Pocket Dial? Well, they happen, don’t they?”
“Yes, they do. But this one … um … happened to be a Steering Wheel Dial.
“Steering Wheel Dial!  That you should be able to avoid.”
“Of course!  Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel is all.”
“My hands do tend to slide a bit."
“Please be careful! I’m trying to take a nap.”

Fifteen minutes later:
“You again?!!” 
“Yeah, uh, Farbman, I had a sharp right turn around train tracks and …”
“Just keep your hands high on the steering wheel like I said!”
“I tried, but my hands slide!”
“Don’t let them!  Have some self-control!”
“I’ve never been good at that.”
“Look, dude, a Pocket Dial is inadvertent, not your fault. But you should be able to control your hands long enough so you don’t Steering Wheel Dial me every five minutes!”
“Actually it’s more like every 15 minutes.”
“Keep your hands still.  You’re not milking a cow!”

Wanting no more embarrassment from my Steering Wheel Dial  I reviewed Farbman’s counsel over and over in my mind:
"Keep my hands up high. Don’t let them slide.  I'm not milking a cow.”

Fifteen minutes later:
“Goddamnit, Perry! Again with the fucking Steering Wheel Dial!!!
“Farbman, I was just in a terrible accident!”
“Terrible accident, you say?”
“Yeah, they freed me with the jaws of life! I’m being taken away now in an ambulance!”
“You’re in an ambulance now?”
“There’s no telling how badly I’m hurt!”
“But your hands, Perry. Tell me about your hands!”
“They’re all bloody and throbbing and I can’t feel …”
“But they are off the steering wheel, right?”
“Good.  I’ll call you after my nap.”


And so, folks: 

Keep your hands up high. Don’t let 'em slide.  You're not milking a cow. 
That is, if you want to avoid ...

The Sheer Embarrassment of the Steering Wheel Dial!


Tuesday, May 1, 2018

You Can Skip Ad in Five Seconds, But Why Would You?

Here's why, by percentage:
7.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it makes them feel gutsy even though they still sleep with a night light.

5.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because there is no Premium Option  to skip ad in four seconds.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because to the best of their ability to  determine in five seconds of watching there are not going to be any tits in the ad. 

13% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is narrated by Susan Sarandon who refused to support Clinton. Happy Now, BITCH? 

2.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have to pee. 

2.7% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Applebee's and you do not believe anyone has ever said "Y'know, there's an Applebee's a couple of blocks from my new house; I'm gonna be Eating Good in the Neighborhood!" 

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering in the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and the ad isn't very interesting anyway.

2% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Scientology and Scientology just ain't any fun anymore without Leah Remini. 

7.4% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they do not want to become any more sexually transfixed by Mike Rowe than they already are. 

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they also skip to my Lou.

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is almost time for shul.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have been commanded to skip ad in five seconds by Lord Sandor, the Ruler. 

8.5% -  People who skip ad in five seconds because given the luck they have had throughout their entire lives there is just no way there are going to be tits in the ad, even if they did watch it all the way through.

0.7 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because what are you going to do about it, Pilgrim?

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering in the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and even though they are Jews just like us, why not check it out? 

24% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they are impatient assholes.

.2 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because a sexual partner is waiting for them. In other words, not you.

Note: Total of percentages above may not equal 100% because of rounding and very poor math skills.