The New Logo of the Republican Party

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

Formerly known as the Republican Party

Things have changed now, folks. Until every Republican in Congress including those in very red districts stops defending Trump, I consider this to be the new logo of the Republican Party:

Welcome to the United Quisling Party of America

Many Republican Congresspersons and Senators continue to dismiss the connection between Trump and Russia with the same smugness which was somehow indelibly implanted upon the faces of Trump Sr. and Jr. since birth. Talk about the elephant in the room, they choose to ignore the elephant in their underpants!  

Shameless Republicans continue to blithely apologize and rationalize for Trump or talk about how his moronic behavior is "concerning" or "bothersome," but let's continue  on with the Trump show!

Update of 7/16/18:  It is now time for you guys to formally decide whether you side with our country or a foreign adversary. You know where Trump stands. Does it take courage to stand up against the President of the United States? Of course, but you chose to run for Congress and style yourselves worthy to be one of the leaders of the United States of America.

Are you Republicans or ....

                The United Quisling Party of America!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(That's Mr. Quisling above, folks.) 

The Clean Up Crew

"What a mess! Can't believe we've got to clean up this whole place!"

"That's the job. Sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, prying up stuck chewing gum, white-washing "Lock Her Up!" graffiti - most of it misspelled- fumigating women's air spray ...."

"Gee, you'd think by 2016 Republican women would have a developed a little style already."

"Guess not.  Now get to work!"

"Did you watch the convention?  Everything was so one-sided and divisive. You'd think Hillary Clinton was Lucretia Borgia!"

"Hey, you missed a spot!"

"Sorry.  All those religious people sucking up to a guy who's had such a wild life with women. Hey, look at that Melania!"

"Put a little more elbow grease into that mopping, will ya?"

"I'll try. Did you see that strident General practically foaming at the mouth the first night?  That was right out of Dr. Strangelove."

"I didn't see that movie."

"And Trump, he promises all kinds of things but doesn't say how he'll do it!"

"Hey, are you going to work or just yap all day?"

"I'm sorry, guess I'm a little old for this."  

"Look,  Ailes,  you were lucky to get this job!"

"Sorry, sorry, I'll get on it!"

"And one more thing?"

"Yes, boss?"

"When you talk about Melania Trump, take your hand out of your pants!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plagiarism? What Plagiarism? Plagiarism? What Plagiarism?

Melania Trump's speech last night, I have to admit, was an excellent presentation from someone who is not a professional speaker.  She was poised and confident and well expressed the oft unseen human side of Donald Trump and his family. In every respect, it was a positive moment for the campaign and Mr. Trump.

A small issue arose regarding some language that Mrs. Trump used in the course of her speech.  Some thought it was similar language to that used by Michelle Obama in a prior speech of her own.  Well, maybe, but these were common words and phrases, in no way blunting the impact of her fine speech. 

I'm no Trump supporter but Melania won me over last night.

Oh, another thought:  I have to admit that last night Melania Trump, who is not a professional speaker, gave an excellent presentation.  Poised and expressing self confidence, she presented a side of Donald Trump and his family, the human side, that we don't usually see. From every angle, it was a top-notch moment for Mr. Trump and the campaign.

There was a minor issue brought forward regarding some wording that Mrs. Trump used in her speech that certain people thought was similar to words spoken by Michelle Obama in a speech she made. Well, it's possible but mostly balderdash! Common words and phrases in no way minimize the impact of her effective presentation.

I still don't like Mr. Trump but Melania impressed me last night.

Oh, yeah, I meant to say this:  In watching the presentation of Melania Trump last night, I concede that as a non-professional speaker, she presented quite well. Exhibiting poise and confidence of self ... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get Ready for the Republican Convention!

 "... I don't ... I don't feel well ..."

As the Republican convention convenes this week in Cleveland, many businesses and industries throughout the city are expected to benefit economically. But one nationwide industry is expected to pull down the greatest financial benefit of all.

Composed of eight manufacturers from coast  to coat, the American Barf Bag industry is projected to achieve huge profits over the next week.  "We can't keep up with the demand," said Ernie Kropotkin, President of the Revulso Barf Bag Company in Lander Wyoming. 

Many people are expected to upchuck violently and frequently during the convention, especially on the evening the ticket of Donald Trump and Mike Pence take the podium for the first time.  "I can almost hear the gagging right now!" exulted Kropotkin.

The only concern for the Barf Bag industry is that some people will turn off the convention in disgust after their first two or three pukes, which may result in some barf bags being returned to the store. Mr. Kropotkin isn't worried: "I think people will be sick for weeks afterwards no matter how much of the Convention they can stomach watching."

And who is Mr. Kropotkin voting for in the election itself?

"Me, I'm voting for Hillary because I'm not crazy.  But God bless Trump and Pence!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New Guy

A short play on politics of the day in playlet form (mostly). We are in a meeting hall in which presidential candidates are answering questions from reporters.  There is a moderator and two reporters, Sid White and Deborah Stanton.  

Deb

Thank you, Governor Huckabee, that was ... uh ... illuminating to learn God and Wayne LaPierre are on a first name basis.

Huckabee

You're welcome, Ms. Stanton! You know, God personally blesses all semi-automatic pistols and assault weapons.  He has guided me in his namesake to purchase Glock weaponry...

Moderator

Sorry, out of time, Governor Huckabee! We need to bring out the next candidate to speak at this Special Republican Candidates for President Forum.

Governor Huckabee walks off the stage and there is a brief break in the action. 

Sid

Deb ... Pretty sad state of affairs with our party's candidates. The only one who has any charisma is Trump and he's a wacko.

Deb

I know. I haven't experienced anything as depressing as this since HBO renewed The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow. Who's up next? 

Sid

The new guy. I've heard some good things about him. He's plain speaking. He's down to earth. Here's hoping he turns out to be the one to knock off Donald Trump at last.

Deb

I hope so.

Moderator

And the next candidate from the Republican Party for President of the United States, Governor Kent Larson.

Governor Kent Larson, a tall good-looking man, strides up to the podium.

Governor Larson

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor and a privilege to have the opportunity to speak here tonight as part of the Republican Candidates for President Forum. As your newest candidate for the highest office in the land, I am thrilled to share with you some of my ideas to help secure a bright future for the country and the land we all love. 

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Hey, so far, so good. 

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

He's smooth! I think I like him.

Moderator

Deborah Stanton will ask the first question of Governor Larson.

Deb

Governor Larson, many of the Republican candidates still oppose same-sex marriage despite the recent holding of the Supreme Court. What is your position on the subject? 

Governor Larson 

My position on the subject? It would be underneath one of the guys.  Or on top, whatever he likes better. I'm not picky.

Sid, Deb, and Moderator all look at each other.

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Say what?  Did I hear that right?

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

I'm not sure...

DEB

Governor Larson, perhaps there was some confusion about that last question. What I was asking is if you view same sex couples....

Governor Larson

Oh, sure, I like to view same sex couples. In fact, I love it!  Two guys, two girls, doesn't make any difference to me!

Deb

Oh ... my ... god!   I mean ...I mean, oh, my.... how illuminating!

Deb and Sid look at each other in sheer dismay. 

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

Maybe I had too much to drink at the Reporter's Reception. That's gotta be it, that's gotta be it! 

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Yeah, that would explain it. Except we didn't go to the Reporter's Reception! 

Moderator

The next question for Governor Larson comes from Sid White.

Sid

Thank you ... I think.  Now, Governor Larson ... um ... One of the biggest challenges faced by the civilized world is that of ISIS. What are your thoughts on containing ISIS?

Governor Larson

ISIS certainly must be contained and contained effectively. Generally in a good sized cooler! There's nothing like a brewski on ISIS on a hot summer day!

Sid does a double-take, Deb slaps her hand on her forehead.

Sid

No, no, sir, when I say ISIS, I mean the terrorist organization ... the Sunni organization... 

Governor Larson

Oh, well, if it's Sunni out, all the more reason you need plenty of ISIS! Stock up early on a hot day, I always say. 

Deb

(talking louder now)

Uhh, didn't anybody vet this guy?

Sid

(Talking louder too)

Vetted him? Somebody should have gutted him! I can hear the champagne bottles popping right now at the DNC.

Moderator

One more question.  From Ms.Stanton.

Deb

(responding cautiously)

Okay ... okay... sure, one more. Governor Larson, immigration is a big issue these days, and many are concerned about Mexican Immigration.

Governor Larson

Oh yes, if I may, Mexican Immigration is something I've thought long and hard about!

Deb

(to Sid, relieved)

Now we're getting somewhere!

Governor Larson

I love all kinds of Mexican food. Tacos, fajitas, enchiladas, everything!  I've never had immigrations, but I'm sure I'd love them too.

Telephone rings, Deb gets it.

Deb

Oh, Mr. Chairman! Yes, Mr. Chairman. No, Mr. Chairman. I see, Mr. Chairman!

Sid

It's the RNC Chairman, isn't it? What is he saying? He can't be blaming us, can he? He can't be blaming us, can he?  He's blaming us, isn't he?

Deb

Yes, Mr. Chairman!  No, Mr. Chairman! Goodbye, Mr. Chairman.

Sid

What did he say about Larson? 

Deb

He's shot to the top the polls.

Sid

Excuse me?

Deb

Larson's shot to the top the polls. Voters find him plain speaking and down to earth. He has become...

Sid and Deb together

(looking at each other)

The new voice of the Republican Party!

Sid

Who's up next?

Moderator

And the next candidate for President, Donald Trump.

Deb

Thank goodness!  

Sid

At last!  Someone sane. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting to Know You

"Getting to know you, 
Getting to know all about you"

"Paul, welcome to the team!  I know you're going to add a great deal to our campaign."

"Thank you, Mitt.  I appreciate your confidence."

"It's not exactly that.  How could you possibly detract?  Nothing from nothing leaves nothing."

"Mitt, I won't let you down.  By the way, not sure I like the name Mitt."

"Yeah, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't.  As with everything else with me."

"Now, you said you wanted to discuss some of my ideas for dramatically reducing the budget?"

"Yes, Paul.  I love your ideas for getting rid of Obamacare and slashing Medicare,  social programs for the lowest income Americans, food stamps, and the tires on Chris Matthews' car.  Especially repealing Obamacare.  What moron would ever think a program like that could work?!! "

"Clearly someone wholly unfit for office, Mitt.   BTW,  now that I have to say it all the time, Mitt does seem like a goofy name."

"Yeah, I'm feeling that way right now too.  Paul, what I want to understand more thoroughly are your ideas for shrinking Big Government." 

"Well, first up we're going to cut each Congressional Representative's staff by one aide.  The bottom level aide doesn't usually do much besides tweet pictures of the Representative's private parts to constituents anyway."

"Sure, that makes sense. What else?  

"I will be making some cuts to the Executive Branch as well." 

"That's only fair. Wait, let me guess:  You're reducing the number of Presidential bodyguards by one, just like the Congressional aides."

"Well, not exactly."

"What then?"

"We're reducing the number of Presidential bodyguards by all of them. From now on,  you'll be protected by the Sloman Shield."

"Oh ....er .... sure.  That ...  umm ... makes sense.  What else?

"About Air Force One ...."

 "Wait, let me guess: we'll be turning Air Force One into Privatized President's Plane One .... ha, ha, ha."

"Well, not exactly."

"What then?"

"Turning Air Force One into Volkswagen One."

"Oh ....err .... sure.  That ...  ummm ... makes sense.  Guess you'll also be turning the White House into the White Bungalow .... ha, ha,ha."

"Well, not exactly."

"What then?"

"Turning the White House into Volkswagen Two."

"Oh ... errr .... sure ...  sure.   That ...ummmm ... makes sense .... that makes .... Paul, these Executive Branch changes are ridiculous! How will you ever put them through?!!"

"That's not my problem, Mitt."

"Why not?"

"Because once we're elected I'm eliminating the position of Vice-President.  Day One you're in office, first thing you do is repeal me!"  
"But what about Obamacare?!"

"That' s Day Two, right after you repeal the Presidential Chief of Staff, the Cabinet, and air conditioning for both Volkswagen I and II.  And boy, Mitt sure is one goofy name!

"Actually, right now I like it."

"Why?"

"Because once I'm in office, it's the only thing I'm gonna have left!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saving the Earth with Brooke

Talk about Global Warming!

Although my middle name will never be "Green," I do my best to be a competent environmentalist most of the time.

I recycle dutifully, always stop to admire the beauty of nature on my way to the fast food joint, casino, or honky-tonk bar, and never throw an empty coke can into the trash rather than the recycling whenever there's a mouthy 11 year old anywhere about.

But for the last several years, my efforts to save the planet have been put to the test.  It all began the day that tall, blonde, and beauteous actress Brooke Alexander became the spokesperson in a serious of memorable TV spots for the American Petroleum Institute (API)  a/k/a "The People of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry."

You've seen them, I'm sure.  

Stylishly clad in a well-tailored and handsomely fitting black business suit, Ms. Alexander strides regally across a map of the United States and deftly weaves between images of modern industry,  wheat fields, and dedicated professionals while informing us that today's Oil and Gas Industry supports almost as many American jobs as William Shatner has had since Star Trek was cancelled in 1969. 

Ms. Alexander explains that although alternative forms of energy like solar panels,  hydro-generation, and harnessing Donald Trump's mouth are important,  oil and natural gas have the capacity to provide energy to heat millions of homes and power millions of cars for the next 60 years, and after 60 years we'll all be dead anyway. 

Luminous smile ablaze, Ms. Alexander adds that most people favor that governmental policies regulating of oil and natural gas be changed.  Though left unsaid, the impression created is that "changed" as utilized here may well be interpreted as "taken for a ride and dumped in the East River." 

It isn't just that Brooke Alexander is drop dead gorgeous that makes me want to believe everything she says, even if she says we should all ingest lumps of coal or seed the clouds with premium gasoline charged to my own personal Visa card. The reason I want to believe each and every word that flows from the mouth of Brooke Alexander like oil from BP into the Gulf of Mexico is because in addition to being gorgeous,  she's frankly kind of old! 

She's not as old as I am, of course.  But in the world of television, anyone onscreen over the age of 30 is usually either the brother-in-law of the producer or someone loitering on the set whom Security carelessly failed to whisk away before the cameras began rolling. 

The 48 year old Brooke Alexander, obviously chosen in part because her quasi-advanced age makes her appear mature and credible, is one of the few older TV pitch persons not shilling for arthritis medication or Cialis for the man in her life's daily use. And at age 48, Ms. Alexander is somewhat in my market, assuming my market consists of beautiful, accomplished, and successful women who are in no other conceivable way in my market other being within 13 years of my age. 

 So what am I to do? 

I want to save the environment, but I want Brooke Alexander in that environment.

I am concerned about the polar ice cap melting.  But talk about melting, just look at that smile!

Fracking?   Write your own joke.  

But suffice it to say that if Brooke Alexander were to look in my eyes and simply say the word "fracking," I'd probably join the Republican Party on the spot!

I guess, after all, I'm not about to be saving the Earth with Brooke any time soon.  Or despoiling it with her either.  But at least one good thing's come of it all:  Brooke Alexander has motivated me to write a letter to my Congressperson. And I'm going to do it right now!

Dear Mr. Meehan: 

I am writing to urge you to support strong and effective environmental regulation wherever and whenever warranted. 

Although the concerns and competitiveness of  American business must always be taken into consideration, the most important consideration must always be the safety of all Americans and the future well-being of our planet.

Thank you.

Perry Block

P.S.  Any chance you can get me a date with Brooke Alexander?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Openly Gray/Bi-Positional Candidate

Out of the Closet at last!

In a stunning public announcement made just yesterday,  all-but-assured Republican candidate for President of the United States Mitt Romney came out of the closet, declaring himself the first ever  "Openly Gray/Bi-Positional"  candidate for President in the history of the nation.

Speaking before an astonished crowd of supporters at the Fragrance Counter at Neiman Marcus in Greenwich Connecticut, Mr. Romney stated "I decided to come out as gray/bi-positional because I can no longer in good conscience deny my true nature.  After all, I didn't choose this lifestyle.  I was born this way."  

Mr. Romney explained that as an openly gray man,  he inevitably sees the "shades of gray" surrounding every political issue, constantly causing him to be "bi-positional," taking positions on both sides of each issue. 

Despite the shock waves set off from coast to coat, many seasoned observers said they had long suspected Mr. Romney of being gray and/or bi-positional. "I used to work Broadway, " remarked  political reporter Nels Noodleman, "and I can spot 'em a mile a way.  It's the dyed hair -  so delicately greased -  the effete manner;  why, just look at how he flip flops!"

Although Mr. Romney is the first ever openly gray/bi-positional  candidate for public office, he is the far from the first ever gray/bi-positional person in American politics.  Many experts conservatively estimate that among members of federal, state, and local government throughout the country, approximately 100% are gray and/or bi-positional, plus or minus  Ron Paul.

Four years ago, the citizens of the United States of America went to the polls and  elected the country's first black president. Are these same voters ready to this year return to the voting booths and  elect the nation's first openly gray/bi-positional president?

"I firmly believe so," said Mr. Romney.  "It's not as if I am asking for the right to marry another gray and/or bi-positional president or anything off the wall  extreme like that."

"I am proud to stand up today for the rights of the gray and bi-positional," added Mr. Romney.

"What happens tomorrow, well,  I'm gray and bi-positional.  We'll see."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fat Chance

When Governor Christie sits around the house,

he sits around the house....

If there's one thing that members of the Republican Party establishment agree on,  it's that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is THE MAN! 

Flamboyant and outspoken, Governor Christie seems to possess the twin virtues of calling 'em as he sees 'em and then living up to how he calls 'em and sees 'em, regardless of whether you agree with everything he's calling and seeing.  These days in politics, those are two rather rare commodities. But will the current fair-haired boy of the GOP ever be their Presidential standard bearer? 

Fat Chance!

That's because whenever most of us see the corpulent Mr. Christie we just can't help making jokes about his size, after which we feel guilty about how insensitive we are.  And nobody but nobody wants to elect a President, no matter how capable, who winds up making us all feel worse about ourselves ....

"As we all know, last week Governor Chris Christie made the decision not to run for President.  Instead he plans to waddle for President.  I'd sure like to see him get elected because that would bring new meaning to the term 'Oval Office!'"

What kind of insensitive person am I? That wasn't nice.

"Did you hear the news?  New Jersey has just declared hot fudge an endangered species!"

Why the hell did I say that?  I must really be a jerk!

"Bono announced today that he's planning a superstar fund raiser to benefit starving dinner guests at Chris Christie's mansion."

No doubt at all;  I am a worthless piece of crap!

"I understand Chris Christie's trying to take better care of himself.  He's making it a point to drink eight bodies of water a day!"

Asshole!  Shmuck! Douchebag!

"How are Chris Christie, a gullible person, and a hooker alike?  None of them has ever found anything too big to swallow."

Great.  Now I'm adding pornography to the mix.

"Too bad.  At the press conference he held in 2015 to announce his candidacy for President,  Governor Christie blew the first question.  It was:

 'What is a salad?' "

I am going to rot in hell.  Here, Satan, I brought you the marshmallows too!

Poor Governor Christie! Thanks to yahoos like us, he'll most likely wind up in a totally irrelevant, unimportant, obscure political office where nobody will ever see him, think about him,  or make stupid and insensitive jokes about him.

Like Vice-President.

Now fellow low-lifer,  what new Chris Christie jokes ya got for me?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Open Letter to the Non-Millionaires of America

       

                          Senators Gillibrand and Landrieu

If you'd like to talk about them, just call.  
 Because we care! 

We, the members of the Republican Party of the United States of America, truly care about each and every one of you.

Especially when we’re on the back nine.

Because we care, we’re letting you know that shortly we’ll be slashing to ribbons every single wasteful spendthrift social entitlement program in the United States budget, including Medicare, Social Security, and Free Giveaways of Government Surplus Cardboard. There will not even be any ribbons left after we slash them to ribbons because we plan to slash the ribbons to ribbons as well. 

But don’t worry, dear underfunded friends.  You won’t be hurt in the least!  All you need do is become a millionaire before the cuts take effect.

You could:

 1) Have passionate and repeated sex with a member of the Obama Administration or a Democratic member of Congress, then blackmail him or her for millions of dollars. Even without a Clinton, Kennedy, or Edwards around, every Democrat is a seething, slobbering, cesspool of a pervert just waiting to pounce on pure, innocent and unsuspecting Republican women, if only there were any attractive ones.

Note: If you’re a guy and you manage to pull this off with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand of New York or Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu and you’re indiscreet and feel like talking,  please give a call.  A sex tape would be heaven!

2) Start yourself up a business. Design an innovative product no one’s ever thought of before, arrange the necessary financing with the investment banker of your choice (we recommend J.P. Morgan Chase, Bank of America, or Royal Bank of Scotland), and set up a non-union manufacturing plant, preferably in a southern state. Or go off-shore, the costs are even lower!

3) Gamble!  No casinos where you live? Solicit your professional organization such as the American Medical Association (AMA),  the Committee of Unctuous  Lawyers (CUL), or the National Alliance for Nepotism (NAN) to hold its annual convention in Las Vegas or Atlantic City. Or better yet, join the National Rifle Association (NRA) and we’ll get our buds to hold their convention somewhere in a red state that has legalized gambling. Bring lotsa quarters! And bullets!

For more great ideas on earning plenty quicker than you can say Pawlenty, please see Perry Block’s perceptive piece “Idea or I-Dud,”  but forget the suggestion about Republican candidate bobble-head dolls because we’ve already been there, done that. 

Jiggle on, Newt!

And once you’ve become a millionaire, you won’t even have to pay taxes! We’re taking care of that for you too --- because we care.

We, the members of the Republican Party of the United States of America, can’t wait to welcome each and every one of you aboard the Yacht of State of our great country!

Just don’t ever expect us to play golf with you.

~~~~~~~~