Acting Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

"There's a monster on the wing!   It's a gremlin!"

"What's that, sir?   What's the problem?" 

"There a gremlin on the wing of this aircraft!  We'll have to go to warp speed to destroy it!"

"Wait a minute, Shatner.  True, this episode of  Twilight Zone is about a gremlin, but that line's not in the script."

"Spock .... Bones!  We ... must... stop .... the .... gremlin ... or ... face .... imminent .... doom!"

"Scenery chewing again, Shatner?  Maybe the director can calm you down.

Calling Mr. Roger Kahn!"

"KHAAAAN!!!"

"That's it, Shatner!  Time for you to boldly go...."

" …where no man has ever gone before?"

"NO,  jerk!  To the Unemployment Line!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's the Blog Post up ahead!  

Submitted for your approval is  Nightmare at 20, 000 Feet,  a classic episode of Twilight Zone starring a young, jittery William Shatner frantically trying to convince a plane's passengers and crew there is a deadly gremlin on the wing, and also the source for my Friday Fictioneers entree today.

Apparently Mr. Shatner's outsized ego and overemoting were well known even back in those days. You won't find an outsized ego in the bunch here among the other Fictioneers, however,  you can Takei it from me!

Live long and prosper, dudes.  

I'm Going Freelance!

No Doubt it's Gonna Happen!
It's all up to you

Yes, I'm going freelance!

I realize going freelance has nothing to do with the Who song I've linked above, but the joyful spirit of the song seemed appropriate to express the uptempo feeling I hope to create in you so YOU'LL HIRE ME TO WRITE CRAP FOR YOU!

Let's face it:  my humor site has failed to conquer America.  Even though I'm every bit as unfunny as the guy who writes ShitMyDadSays, he has millions of followers and scored a TV show with William Shatner while I'm so unpopular my blog posts are often returned for insufficient postage. In fact, last year when I was awarded the Nobel Prize for ending world hunger the Facebook post I put up got two likes and one comment: "Sure!  Pick the easy ones!"

So, my freelance website, Humor for Hire, is now up and running and I've placed myself on writer websites like Elance, Guru, and Craigslist,  just in case someone who wants to kill me could also use a brush-up on his resume.

But in the end, though, it's all up to you.  Here's why you should hire me for all your writing needs: 

1) I naturally write at a fifth grade level. 

2) I am always there for you! You'll never find me hanging out in bars, running around with hot women, or carousing til the cows come home (which is about 4:00 to 5:30 A.M, depending upon how udder-whipped the cows are.)  Why?  My life sucks!  You reap the benefit morning, noon, and night!

3) I save you money with plagiarism!  I'm as  lazy as a hound dog in a red state on a Sunday afternoon after a full morning of squirrel chasing, so if I can find something on the web to copy, paste, and slightly rearrange that will meet your needs --- as opposed to writing up new stuff --- you can bet your ass you'll get the worked-over, warmed-up leftovers!   (Legal Disclaimer required.) 

4) Never a charge for the Oxford Comma!

5) I'm generally ignorant of most things. With no expertise of any kind to draw upon in my writing beyond the approximate value of the Showcase on this morning's The Price is Right, it would take mega-hubris on my part to charge you what smart guys do.

6) I'm available at low group rates!  Got a Rotary Group, mess of Shriners, or  a secret society of dudes named Larry? If everyone in the group hires me, I can provide even cheaper rates through the magic  of VOLUME and POOLING!   I have no idea what that means, I think it has something to do with Obamacare.

7) This is 100% American made humor!  All  jokes are conceived by an American, written by an American, and bomb with wreckage for miles around by an American.  Your jokes will never originate from somebody hastily re-named Shecky sitting in a factory in Canton next to a guy working 140 hours a week busily contemplating suicide while assembling your I-Pad. When you get a Jewish joke, you have the comfort of knowing it was written by a duly circumcised Jew --- moi! 

8) Yes, I do bar mitzvahs and weddings!

9) I am a liar who hates conflict. I'll tell you whatever you want to hear whenever you want to hear it. Now you too can have an unvarnished yes-man at your beck and call just like a big company CEO, but at a fraction of the price!

10) I can write a little.

So whether your writing needs involve all humor, a sprinkling of humor, or no humor at all (I'm probably best at that one), check out Humor For Hire and call me today!

Or tomorrow or the next day or last week in August, as  you prefer.   It's okay.

As I said, I'm awfully lazy too.

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This Bad This Fast

"My God, sir!  I never thought it could have gotten this bad this fast!"

"Well, the question is:  can we clean her up for what we're planning to do with her?"

"No way, sir!  It would take years.  We'll have to start from scratch on a new one."

"Then start from scratch we will.  You know,  I have a new-found respect for the guy, scenery chewing and obvious hair piece notwithstanding."

"You're right, sir.  Ten years after Captain Kirk steps down, who'd ever expect the Enterprise to look like this?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Picture prompt above, story below, 90 words and I'm under the limit!  I've boldly gone where no Schizophrenic Blogger has ever gone before as well as returned to humor after last week's sojourn in Alfred Hitchcock Presents, yet another vintage TV program.  

This is my week's contribution to the Fabulous Friday Fictioneers and Flying Federation Starship Society. Click here for lots more from lots of talented folk. 

Live Long and Prosper, dudes.  And beam me out of here, Scotty!    

Saving the Earth with Brooke

Talk about Global Warming!

Although my middle name will never be "Green," I do my best to be a competent environmentalist most of the time.

I recycle dutifully, always stop to admire the beauty of nature on my way to the fast food joint, casino, or honky-tonk bar, and never throw an empty coke can into the trash rather than the recycling whenever there's a mouthy 11 year old anywhere about.

But for the last several years, my efforts to save the planet have been put to the test.  It all began the day that tall, blonde, and beauteous actress Brooke Alexander became the spokesperson in a serious of memorable TV spots for the American Petroleum Institute (API)  a/k/a "The People of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry."

You've seen them, I'm sure.  

Stylishly clad in a well-tailored and handsomely fitting black business suit, Ms. Alexander strides regally across a map of the United States and deftly weaves between images of modern industry,  wheat fields, and dedicated professionals while informing us that today's Oil and Gas Industry supports almost as many American jobs as William Shatner has had since Star Trek was cancelled in 1969. 

Ms. Alexander explains that although alternative forms of energy like solar panels,  hydro-generation, and harnessing Donald Trump's mouth are important,  oil and natural gas have the capacity to provide energy to heat millions of homes and power millions of cars for the next 60 years, and after 60 years we'll all be dead anyway. 

Luminous smile ablaze, Ms. Alexander adds that most people favor that governmental policies regulating of oil and natural gas be changed.  Though left unsaid, the impression created is that "changed" as utilized here may well be interpreted as "taken for a ride and dumped in the East River." 

It isn't just that Brooke Alexander is drop dead gorgeous that makes me want to believe everything she says, even if she says we should all ingest lumps of coal or seed the clouds with premium gasoline charged to my own personal Visa card. The reason I want to believe each and every word that flows from the mouth of Brooke Alexander like oil from BP into the Gulf of Mexico is because in addition to being gorgeous,  she's frankly kind of old! 

She's not as old as I am, of course.  But in the world of television, anyone onscreen over the age of 30 is usually either the brother-in-law of the producer or someone loitering on the set whom Security carelessly failed to whisk away before the cameras began rolling. 

The 48 year old Brooke Alexander, obviously chosen in part because her quasi-advanced age makes her appear mature and credible, is one of the few older TV pitch persons not shilling for arthritis medication or Cialis for the man in her life's daily use. And at age 48, Ms. Alexander is somewhat in my market, assuming my market consists of beautiful, accomplished, and successful women who are in no other conceivable way in my market other being within 13 years of my age. 

 So what am I to do? 

I want to save the environment, but I want Brooke Alexander in that environment.

I am concerned about the polar ice cap melting.  But talk about melting, just look at that smile!

Fracking?   Write your own joke.  

But suffice it to say that if Brooke Alexander were to look in my eyes and simply say the word "fracking," I'd probably join the Republican Party on the spot!

I guess, after all, I'm not about to be saving the Earth with Brooke any time soon.  Or despoiling it with her either.  But at least one good thing's come of it all:  Brooke Alexander has motivated me to write a letter to my Congressperson. And I'm going to do it right now!

Dear Mr. Meehan: 

I am writing to urge you to support strong and effective environmental regulation wherever and whenever warranted. 

Although the concerns and competitiveness of  American business must always be taken into consideration, the most important consideration must always be the safety of all Americans and the future well-being of our planet.

Thank you.

Perry Block

P.S.  Any chance you can get me a date with Brooke Alexander?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Trouble with Mr. Serling

Rod Serling is rightly regarded as one of the true giants of television, a genius who conceived, innovated, and earned respect for a whole new type and genre of American entertainment.

There are few people today who don't cherish the classic television show he created and the legacy he left behind.  But in the early days, it seems, not everyone had the same positive view of the somewhat enigmatic Mr. Sterling.

Vance:  Oh no, Zane!  We're just trying to sit in peace here in the CBS Commissary and grab a late afternoon snack and look who's coming!

Zane:   Oddball Serling?  Well, what can you do? 

Rod:   One Zane Bernstein.  His close associate Mr. Vance Koslow.   Submitted for your approval: May I sit with you guys?

Vance:  Umm ... sure, Rod.  What've you been up to?

Rod:  A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of the imagination.    Cleveland.   For the weekend.  With the missus. 

Vance:  Sounds ... uh ... really fun.  Okay, let's order, guys.   Gail, we're ready!

Gail:  What'll you fellas have?

Rod:  You're here To Serve Man?

Gail:  And women too sometimes, Mr. Serling.  

Vance:  I really like the food here. Wonder where they get their recipes from?

Rod: It's a cookbook!

Gail: And we always use ample seasoning in all our food.

Rod: Yes. Thyme Enough at Last.

Zane:  Rod, see those two women hobnobbing and stopping at every table?  You know them, right?  Now they're coming over here!

Rod:  Next stop?  Willow, Bea?

Bea:  Nice to see you, Rod.  Love to talk, but Willow and I have to go.  Later!

Zane:  I think one of your friends was checking me out, Rod.  The one who I believe keeps bees?

Rod:  Yes, you caught The Eye of the Bee-holder.

Vance:  Think I'm gonna run to the Men's Room before we eat.  Either of you guys see where ....

Rod: There's the signpost up ahead!  

Vance:  Thanks, Rod.

Zane:  So, "Mr. Professor," I hear you're working on some kind of science fiction show. School us about it.

Rod: Lesson to be Learned:  the show is.... oops just realized I've got to be home by nightfall!*

Zane: What's your rush?  At least tell us the name of the show.

Rod:  It's already Twilight, Zane!

Vance:  He's gone! Boy, that is one weird dude!  He's never gonna make it in show business.

Zane:  Damn straight!  The day he makes it, Vance, I'll believe in time travel, gremlins wrecking airplanes, and that William Shatner guy ever amounting to anything!  

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

* This phrase is heard at the end of The Eye of the Beholder and several other episodes. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you'll like my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  If you hated this post, then you don't deserve the Twilight Zone!  But you probably still deserve me, so you should still buy my book!

The Tribe Hits the Tube

                                      

Beam us to Boca, Scotty!

Back in the 1950’s and early 60's, there were very few Jewish characters on commercial TV.

In fact, there was one --- Buddy Sorrell, the fast-talking, joke-a-minute, actually kind of annoying comedy writer working with Rob Petrie and Sally Rogers on The Dick Van Dyke Show, as played by Morey Amsterdam.

And we were kind of proud of him.

Then came Seinfeld, Will and Grace, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and many more,  and now Jewish folks are as plentiful on TV they are on a Sunday morning in Murray’s grabbing a shmear!

Next season’s no exception.  Here’s a few of the new Jews on the Tube you'll be tuning in to  this fall: 

Jersey Shnorrer. From Hackensack to Haddonfield,  Mike “The Insinuation” Tsooristino charms his way into nice Jewish homes  throughout the Garden State without so much as opening his wallet or bringing a bottle of Manischewitz!

First up, the Insinuation ensconces himself for two weeks at a Ventnor oceanfront villa frolicking on the beach with the family’s 18 year old daughter all the while the dad under the impression he’s from Comcast there to restore the family’s Lifetime. 

 Watch out, Snooki!  A new reality star is born! 

Meet the Putz. Each week a panel of Jewish journalists questions a prominent, influential, and totally full-of-crap newsmaker who attempts to evade the panel's  every question by commenting excessively on how much he or she loves Seinfeld, Marc Chagall, and the Jewish vote. 

The distinguished panel of questioners includes Barbara Walters, Andrea Mitchell, and Gilbert Gottfried (he needs the work) who will weekly demonstrate the wide variety of styles, cadences, and tonalities in which to pose the question "But is it good for the Jews?"

Moderator Geraldo Rivera will close each program with commentary as to why anyone who’s not meshugah would hire him as the moderator for a news and affairs program in 2011 and why his mustache is indeed good for the Jews. 

This Old House for Jews. The popular PBS program returns in a new format chosen especially for the Chosen People. Host Bob Vilaberg explains how to select carpenters, electricians, and painters to accomplish those home repair and remodeling jobs that you and I could perform about as readily as cloning, nuclear fission, or explaining what the hell's  going on in a movie by the Coen Brothers.

Using the phone book to find non-Jewish contractors, asking sage questions about complex equipment such as a hammer (learn how to pronounce it, click here: http://www.dictionary.reference.com/browse/hammer), and passing the time while waiting for the contractor to show up, if ever, are presented in clear monosyllabic English even we woefully unhandy Hebrews can understand. 

How I Met Your Mohel.  For hard-working but shy mohel Sidney Snipberg,  the single life is about as exciting as the eighth night of Hannukah until he meets dynamic Rabbi Saul Mellow, a spiritual leader so good with the ladies male congregants touch their prayer books to him!

Together the two head for the Promised Land --- Las Vegas --- for 40 days and 40 nights of fun-fun-fun, as Sidney and Saul  set out to disprove the old adage that all Jews "have a little dreidel."    It's the Hebrews meet "The Hangover," and when it comes to laughs, it ain't chopped liver! 

Star Shlep. It’s “steady as she goes” once more as out of retirement shlep William (Oy,  I’m too old for Warp Speed!) Shatner as Admiral James T. Kirk and Leonard Nimoy as the half Vulcan/half Jewish Mr. Spock, whose new credo is “Live Long and Prosper and Never Shop Retail.” The ship’s crew will boldly go where no Jew has ever gone before --- K-mart!

The multi-ethnic but mono-religious cast features George Takei as newly converted (to Judaism, that is!) Lieutenant Sulu and new Jewish cast members in the roles of Dr. Bones McCoy, Lieutenant Uhuru, and Engineer Montgomery “Scotty” Scott, the world’s first Jew to speak with a Scottish brogue.

The intrepid crew aboard the Enterprise will battle Klingons, Romulans, and the Deadly Race of Jewish Mothers, which has Scotty crying out in the premiere episode “We need more power! She's going into a MACH 7 Why Can't You be More Like Your Cousin Joel The Harvard Man Who's President Of The Campus Hillel!”

The Dick Van Dykeberg Show is a program which hearkens back to a classic situation comedy of the late fifties and early sixties. Working for the Alan Bernstein Variety Show are writers Rob Petrowitz, Sally Ruggulah, and Buddy Sorrell, the one gentile member of the writing team.

Buddy’s a fast-talking, joke-a-minute, actually kind of annoying guy, but isn’t it refreshing to have a non-Jewish character on national television these days?

Bet it will be a real source of pride for gentiles from coast to coast!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not a Member of the Tribe?

     Shnorrer - a user, a moocher.

     Mohel - person who performs ritual Jewish circumcision on male infants.  Ouch!

     Touch prayer books to him - actually they are touched to the Torah, not the rabbi.

     Shlep - to drag along.

     Shul - synagogue.

     Putz - Come on!  You know that one.