Paul Ryan Goes on a Job Interview Hoping to Remain Incognito

“Send in the next interviewee, please.”

“Hello, sir.  I’m here to apply for the sanitation job at your company.”

“Fine.  Your name is …”

“Paul Ryan. Paul Davis Ryan.”

“Paul Davis Ryan?”

“That’s correct, sir.”

“Do you always emphasize your middle name like that?"

“Always.”

"Why?"

“To distinguish myself from any other person who might happen quite by accident to have the same name as mine - Paul Ryan - so that people will understand I am just one random Paul Ryan out of a multitude of Paul Ryans and not any one specific Paul Ryan.”

“You look familiar to me.”

“No, I don’t!”  

“I beg your pardon.”

“I mean ... you’re probably mistaking me for Butch Patrick from The Munsters!”

“Could be.”

"Here's my resume, sir."

“I see. Now, Mr. Ryan, I appreciate a thorough resume but yours is a bit unusual."

“How so, sir?”

“You’ve given me way too much information about the early part of your career and very little about the rest.”

“I don't understand.”

"It says in the 1980's and early 90's you worked as a waiter, fitness trainer, salesman, marketing consultant for a construction company, driver for Oscar Mayer who once got to drive the fabled Wienermobile, and numerous other jobs all carefully enumerated."

"So?"

"Mr. Ryan, I don’t really need to know that you worked the grill at McDonald's from May 23, 1987 - February 14, 1988 and references are available upon request."  

“Just trying to show the diversity of my work experience, sir.”

“But what have you been doing since 1995?”

“I ... um ... wanted to spend time with my family. I was only seeing my kids on Sundays  and ...”

“You know, that’s sounds kind of familiar to me.”

"No, no, it doesn’t! Hey, maybe I am Butch Patrick!”

“Why, you’re the Paul Ryan that surrendered control of our country to Emperor Donald I!”

“Surrender is a strong word, sir.  How about graciously tendered?”

“You moron! You asshole!”

“So I left a little government service off the resume. I’ll put it back in.”

“Had you started impeachment proceedings during the spring of 2018 when it wasn’t too late we’d still have air you don't need to decant! There wouldn’t be a big, beautiful wall around California!
   

“Yeah, prob’ly.”

“And the national anthem wouldn’t be “O’ Putin Land!”

“But it is catchy.”

“You spineless, pathetic, weak-willed … wait a minute.”

“What, sir?”

“I just realized you are qualified for one position here.”

“What position is that?”

“My assistant.”

“I’m interested!”

“Good, Mr. Davis. You start next week.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you'll love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and you should order your copy right away.  If you hated this post, I hope when the blue wave does come you are swept away into the swirling pulsating waters with only Paul Ryan's balls as a flotation device.

The School for Evil Twins

Good morning, everyone!

This is the first class of your freshman introductory Being a Prick 101 here at the Diablo School for Evil Twins.   

If any of you are now realizing you are in the wrong class, please note that Cackling Malignantly is in Room 672 and Nailing the Good Twin's Girlfriend 201 is  across campus in the Sinestro Builging.

I'm your professor, Damian Malveo.  

Now each of you is the specific one-half of a set of twins who wishes to imperil  humankind to the brink of cataclysmic destruction. All your life you've been an annoying little twit, but by the time you finish your education here you will so wicked and depraved you will be to your good twin like Paul Ryan is to the guy who used to be Paul Ryan!


Now, why be an Evil Twin?

1) Really cool music plays whenever we strut onto the scene.

2) Love the way our dedicated though half-witted lackey Bruno says "Right away, Boss!" 

3) Great fun to explain our evil plot to the good twin after demonically chortling "Now, Dear Brother, that you can no longer do anything to stop me,  ha-ha-ha-ha ...!"  

Class, I'm about to distribute a very special piece of  "Evil Twin Equipment."  Here are your dark black goatees, everyone! Some are flecked with gray, your choice; remember to wear them at all times to distinguish you from the good twin."

"Mr. Domer? You have a question." 

"What if my good twin has a goatee himself?"

"Good question, Mr. Domer. Then we add an eyepatch, jagged scar, or full- face Jack Palance mask.  All that is covered in Being a Prick 201.

Ready, everyone?   One, two, three...ADHERE!

Terrific!  All of you look really evil. Especially the women. 

Now here's a question for all of you to ponder:

Why should an evil twin never bind the good twin to a laser beam or perch them over a tank of piranhas and say "I will take my leave of you now; Goodbye, brother!" and then exit the room?"

"Because they might escape, Professor?"

"Very good, Plotkin!  Many evil twins make this mistake and the prisoner slips  away to thwart their dastardly plans. This will be on the mid-term.

Next question:  Why do evil twins never tie the good twin down and force them to listen to ABBA?"

"Because even we are not that cruel?"

"Absolutely right, Ms. Comstock! Even we are not that cruel."

Now class, we are going to spend the rest of our time today discussing how to fool your good twin into thinking the phrase "I know there is still good left in you, brother!" is actually starting to get to you.

Tomorrow, we'll focus on methods and techniques for Tricking the Good Twin's Dog into Thinking You're the Good Twin. This can be very valuable in getting your face licked to lure multiple characters to their doom!

And remember, everyone: Death Ray Class Monday at 10:00 sharp! Come prepared to destroy the city.  If you don't feel ready to destroy a major American city yet, please see me after class. 

We'll annihilate a small town like Havertown Pa and work up from there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And class, both you and your twin should check out Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  It WILL be on the Being a Prick 101 final!"

Bizarre Eye Ailment Causes Republicans Not to See Elephant in the Room

     












A bizarre visual ailment has stricken Republican members of Congress!

The nation’s premier vision specialists seem powerless to diagnose or treat it.The strange affliction causes GOP lawmakers to be partially blind, wholly unable to see an enormous African elephant in the room holding a flag in its trunk proclaiming:

This Guy is Fucking Nuts!

Speaking to reporters, House Majority Leader Paul Ryan stated "What are you talking about, I don't see an elephant in the room!" when questioned about the enormous pachyderm in the room blowing water jetties directly into his face.

At yesterday’s Daily White House Briefing, Sean Spicer repeated over and over that he was sick and tired of answering questions about the "so-called" elephant in the room, even though the elephant was sitting on his chest causing Mr. Spicer to speak like the Christian Bale Batman.

Mr. Spicer eventually expelled several of his internal organs right into Jim Acosta's lap.

There is rumor that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell may be immune to this malady and has seen the elephant in the room. Despite denials, Mr. McConnell was caught on at least one occasion attempting to hide the elephant in the room in his neck jowls.

Oddly enough this terrible visual affliction has not affected Democratic lawmakers, who can all clearly see the elephant in the room and have reported the flag it is holding is now worded:

“Boy oh boy, is this guy fucking nuts!”

Meanwhile the nation waits for our suffering Republican lawmakers to recover the ability to see everything again, including the three ton elephant in the room. 

Will no Republican ever be able to see it?

We’re all waiting … and waiting ….

And waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Greatest Hits of Mitt Romney

For almost two years, he was a part of our lives.
Now he's gone...

Don't forget him the way he's forgotten you! 

Especially if you're one of the 47%.

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  You get these great Mitt classics:

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It 
With Groucho Marx' classic song playing throughout, Mitt explains
how he manages to be against everything and for nothing ... with hilarious results!

You're No Ronald Reagan 
Co-starring Newt Gingrich, two feisty GOP candidates scramble all over each other to prove who's more like Ronald Reagan until the Great Communicator himself has to intervene from the Great Beyond to settle the score!

Super Mitt, Olympics Savior!
Mitt dons his red cape to save the Olympics and bend steel in his bare hands --- a hapless steel company Bain Investments buys and dismantles, that is!

Plus the Crowd-Pleasing Favorite

The Openly Gray/Bi-Positional Candidate
Mitt comes out of the closet as openly gray and bi-positional, always taking both sides of every issue. But even though he's openly gray, he's hardly the first ever bi-positional candidate!

And there's even more!
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The Impossible Dream 
Dick Cheney has long harbored an Impossible Dream; 
 now at long last he's going to become the true Dick he's always longed to be!

Fat Chance
He may be the rising star of the Republican Party but it's his rising moon that's the problem.  Here's the skinny on Governor Christie! 

An Open Letter to the Non-Millionaires of America
The GOP begins its outreach to a class of voters it's never reached out to before.
 No argyle sweater?  We'll wait while you buy one!


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 without subjecting yourself for minutes at a time 
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And there's even more!
Act in the next ten minutes and you also get this
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That President!
Though conservative pundits may call him "this President," the rest of the world loves the cute, spunky, totally adorable head of state known as "That President!" 

This offer is not available in any store.
And if it were, it would be in a bin in the back
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Bird, Eight Years Hence

I fairly well couldn't believe it!

Hurrying through the East Concourse of Suburban Station in downtown Philadelphia, I almost tripped over him.

"Big Bird!  What the hell happened to you?!!

"It was that damn first debate ... yes, it was that first debate ... that's when it all started, that first ...."  

"Talk sense, Big Bird.  That' s when what started?"

"Day One of his presidency, Mitt Romney swept through Sesame Street with a gang of street toughs.  Two big guys held Elmo on either side while Paul Ryan beat the .... it wasn't a pretty sight!"

"Oh, Big Bird, I didn't know."'

"That's nothing, what happened to David McCullough was even worse!"

"What could possibly be worse?" 

"You've seen Pulp Fiction?"

"But where's everyone who used to live on Sesame Street?"

"Romney and his thugs dispersed us to the four corners of the Earth.  It became known as The New Diaspora, only instead of with Jews it was with hand puppets."

"Why couldn't you get some kind of  job?"

"I'm an eight foot bird with the mind of a child,  genius!  The only thing I got offered was  Greeter in Vegas."

"Couldn't you have gone on the government dole like the other members of the 47%?"

"Are you nuts? President Romney talks all the time about how he hates our guts!"

"Yes, but isn't there something you could ...?

"Buddy, the only social program left is AFDCEO,  Aid to Families with  Dependent CEOs."

"Here, Big Bird. Take this."

"Seventy-five cents?  Thanks, Diamond Jim!"

"Now where are you going ?"

"Over to the West Concourse."

"Why?"

"More Republican riders there, way better handouts!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elmo have multiple contusions, broken bones,

 and a very battered ego.

Getting to Know You

"Getting to know you, 
Getting to know all about you"

"Paul, welcome to the team!  I know you're going to add a great deal to our campaign."

"Thank you, Mitt.  I appreciate your confidence."

"It's not exactly that.  How could you possibly detract?  Nothing from nothing leaves nothing."

"Mitt, I won't let you down.  By the way, not sure I like the name Mitt."

"Yeah, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't.  As with everything else with me."

"Now, you said you wanted to discuss some of my ideas for dramatically reducing the budget?"

"Yes, Paul.  I love your ideas for getting rid of Obamacare and slashing Medicare,  social programs for the lowest income Americans, food stamps, and the tires on Chris Matthews' car.  Especially repealing Obamacare.  What moron would ever think a program like that could work?!! "

"Clearly someone wholly unfit for office, Mitt.   BTW,  now that I have to say it all the time, Mitt does seem like a goofy name."

"Yeah, I'm feeling that way right now too.  Paul, what I want to understand more thoroughly are your ideas for shrinking Big Government." 

"Well, first up we're going to cut each Congressional Representative's staff by one aide.  The bottom level aide doesn't usually do much besides tweet pictures of the Representative's private parts to constituents anyway."

"Sure, that makes sense. What else?  

"I will be making some cuts to the Executive Branch as well." 

"That's only fair. Wait, let me guess:  You're reducing the number of Presidential bodyguards by one, just like the Congressional aides."

"Well, not exactly."

"What then?"

"We're reducing the number of Presidential bodyguards by all of them. From now on,  you'll be protected by the Sloman Shield."

"Oh ....er .... sure.  That ...  umm ... makes sense.  What else?

"About Air Force One ...."

 "Wait, let me guess: we'll be turning Air Force One into Privatized President's Plane One .... ha, ha, ha."

"Well, not exactly."

"What then?"

"Turning Air Force One into Volkswagen One."

"Oh ....err .... sure.  That ...  ummm ... makes sense.  Guess you'll also be turning the White House into the White Bungalow .... ha, ha,ha."

"Well, not exactly."

"What then?"

"Turning the White House into Volkswagen Two."

"Oh ... errr .... sure ...  sure.   That ...ummmm ... makes sense .... that makes .... Paul, these Executive Branch changes are ridiculous! How will you ever put them through?!!"

"That's not my problem, Mitt."

"Why not?"

"Because once we're elected I'm eliminating the position of Vice-President.  Day One you're in office, first thing you do is repeal me!"  
"But what about Obamacare?!"

"That' s Day Two, right after you repeal the Presidential Chief of Staff, the Cabinet, and air conditioning for both Volkswagen I and II.  And boy, Mitt sure is one goofy name!

"Actually, right now I like it."

"Why?"

"Because once I'm in office, it's the only thing I'm gonna have left!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~