Trump Announces Amazing Discovery This is Not A Solipsistic Universe

Who woulda thunk it?

"I still don't believe it," exclaimed President Donald Trump while addressing a gathering of Republican lawmakers in Washington yesterday, "but I've made an amazing discovery!"

“I have come to realize," said Trump "that there are other people in the universe who are actual human beings and not just automatons existing only to fill out a world for me, the one and only true human being.”

“If I had realized you are not all robots I would never have acted so rudely," Trump stated.  "John McCain, I do value the service of those who were captured in war no matter how meekly they surrendered, like you did. Lindsay Graham, you know I don't hate gay people. Mitch McConnell, I love your hanging chin! Know why?  I love me some turkey!"

"I'm sorry I insulted you, Mayor Sadiq Khan.  I love mayors; Boss Tweed of New York has always been my hero.  And I love Muslims too, that's why I want to keep them out of the United States.  It isn't safe here with all these guns around!" 

Blushing considerably, Trump asked for forgiveness from over 147 million additional people stretched across nine continents whom he has insulted.  He apologized to President Obama for the birther lie, wiretapping lie, and a half-dozen more lies he claimed he had "on the drawing board." 

"My God, if this being real stuff actually applies to Melania as well as everyone else," Trump commented, "I may have to start talking to her even when we're not in public!"

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(Note: Of course, Trump thinks Sol Ipsistic is a Vice-President at Goldman Sachs.)

The Legendary Jewish Vampire Meets Trump

I don't know many celebrities, but I am privileged to know at least one. And the one I know is not your average Kardashian but one of the shadowy and dark Legions of the Undead.

He is the  Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer! 

I met Vlad some years again during  a vampire onslaught in Philadelphia and we became fast friends after we determined that he was allergic to my blood type, especially after I heavily seasoned it with garlic.  

"Vlad!"  I exclaimed, as he flew through my window in bat-like form and transformed himself before my very eyes into someone who looked like your Uncle Murray, only with fangs. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Sure," he replied,"I'd love to crack open a veinski!"

"You'll take a Cokeski.  What brings you here?"

"I heard some idiot is running for President of your country. Thought maybe I could rip his throat out for you?"

After some discussion, we decided that  compared to forming a Political Action Committee, raising 75 million dollars, hiring a top-notch public relations firm, developing highly polished negative advertising, and purchasing air time for the highly polished negative advertising from coast to coast, ripping Donald Trump's throat out might be a pretty good alternative.  

So we headed for North Carolina where Trump was speaking, me on a commercial airliner and Vlad in the avatar of a flying rodent in a fetching cape. 

"I'll go on ahead," said Vlad, "and when I get there, I'll order you someone ... I mean, something to eat."

When I arrived I found Vlad aghast at something he'd seen.  He wasn't all right now, in fact he was aghast!   (rimshot!) 

"What does that sign mean - Trump Pence?" he asked.  "This jerk is already renaming your money after himself?"

"No, no, it's not that," I answered, "we don't have pence in America. That refers to Mike Pence, Trump's running mate; he holds the indoor record for haircuts in a hour."

"Foreigners are pouring into our country!" Trump shouted.  "Muslims, Mexicans, Benedict Cumberbatch!"

"Damn," sniffed Vlad, "he doesn't like anybody, does he?"

"He likes Vladimir Putin," I whispered. "They hang out, discuss totalitarianism, plan traitorous acts against the United States, and admire each other's nipples."

"I'm building a wall!" he cried.

"He's building a wall?" said Vlad. "Around his mouth, I hope. Who's that big fat guy?" 

"That's Chris Christie.  He's the shameless, ass-licking, opportunistic  Governor of New Jersey."

"Well, he looks delicious! And who's the hottie next to him?"

"That's Melania, Trump's third wife. Trump manufactured her in one of his plants in Malaysia."

"And Transylvania isn't sending us their best!" bellowed Trump. "They're sending vampires, they're sending werewolves, they're sending the Bride of Frankenstein. Huh, I wonder if her pussy has those electric streaks like her head hair ...."

"That's it!" cried Vlad, leaping into the air towards the stage."Insulting the Bride of Frankenstein, that idiot is toast! Rye toast with chopped chicken liver and a dash of hemoglobin!"

"Go get 'em, Vlad!" I  yelled.

Vlad assumed the shape of a bat and swooped across the crowd directly toward Trump, then took a swift  detour straight toward the shapely neck of Melania Trump!

"Vlad, what are you doing?"  I cried. "I thought you were going to meet, greet, and eat Trump!"

"Sorry, man. If I have to spend eternal life with anybody, I think I might prefer the mannequin to the orange-haired idiot." 

And they were off. 

So maybe the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer didn't fully get the job done.

But for a blood-sucking creature of the night, he's a mensch.

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                                     Dinner!                                          

Plagiarism? What Plagiarism? Plagiarism? What Plagiarism?

Melania Trump's speech last night, I have to admit, was an excellent presentation from someone who is not a professional speaker.  She was poised and confident and well expressed the oft unseen human side of Donald Trump and his family. In every respect, it was a positive moment for the campaign and Mr. Trump.

A small issue arose regarding some language that Mrs. Trump used in the course of her speech.  Some thought it was similar language to that used by Michelle Obama in a prior speech of her own.  Well, maybe, but these were common words and phrases, in no way blunting the impact of her fine speech. 

I'm no Trump supporter but Melania won me over last night.

Oh, another thought:  I have to admit that last night Melania Trump, who is not a professional speaker, gave an excellent presentation.  Poised and expressing self confidence, she presented a side of Donald Trump and his family, the human side, that we don't usually see. From every angle, it was a top-notch moment for Mr. Trump and the campaign.

There was a minor issue brought forward regarding some wording that Mrs. Trump used in her speech that certain people thought was similar to words spoken by Michelle Obama in a speech she made. Well, it's possible but mostly balderdash! Common words and phrases in no way minimize the impact of her effective presentation.

I still don't like Mr. Trump but Melania impressed me last night.

Oh, yeah, I meant to say this:  In watching the presentation of Melania Trump last night, I concede that as a non-professional speaker, she presented quite well. Exhibiting poise and confidence of self ... 

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