Still Stoking and Revoking Brennan

Several days ago in an attempt to quash the free speech of former government officials who have criticized him, President Trump rescinded the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan.

Now he has taken further action against Director Brennan.

“Due to his irresponsible and erratic statements about the president’s policies, “White House Spokeswoman Sandra Huckabee Sanders said at her daily press briefing today," President Trump is today revoking Director Brennan’s library card. 

"Effective immediately, Mr. Brennan will be barred from taking out books, periodicals, and/or videos from the library system local to him, the Herschel Garfunkel Public Library. The President is taking this action because Mr. Brennan has wantonly attacked the leadership of President Trump through the use of facts."

"Curtailing access to the library," she added, "will severely limit his ability to obtain these facts.”

Director Brennan has already struck back through Twitter.

“This heinous politically motivated act of the president will not stop me from obtaining facts,” Brennan tweeted today. “I can still spend a pleasant afternoon in the Herschel Garfunkel Public Library reading at my leisure and even enjoying a coke and a Snickers from the vending machines in the reading room."   

"And if I really want to take a book out, I’ll ask my wife to take it out on her card," Director Brennan added in a follow-up tweet.

"And should it be a long book over 300 pages on more, I’ll renew it ... yes, Mr. President! … also on her card!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Few Ways for a Restaurant to Strike a Blow for the Resistance Even if They're Not Bold Enough to Outright Refuse Restaurant Service to Huckabee Sanders

“Ms. Huckabee Sanders!  Welcome!  How many in your morally bankrupt political party ... I mean, party."

“Would you like a booth, Ms. Huckabee Sanders? Will that be a restaurant booth or Frank Booth from Blue Velvet?” 

“Let me show you to your table, Ms. Huckabee Sanders. Would you like smoking, non-smoking, or special place in hell?

“Your menu, Ms. Huckabee Sanders. We have some specials today including cage-free children.  Ooops, I mean cage-free chicken!”

“Your server Ralph will be right with you as soon as he finishes masturbating in the kitchen.” 

“I’m sorry, Ms. Huckabee Sanders, our restrooms are only for non-customers."

“Water?  Sure.  Would you like tap water, sparking water, or Flint Water?”

"We're not a Jewish restaurant and we have no Jews in our kitchen, but let me recommend to you our delicious Corned Beef Special!"

"So you want French Toast, Canadian Bacon, and German Wiener Schnitzel and last night you tried to eat Mexican food?  You really are clueless, aren't you, Ms. Huckabee Sanders?"

"Here’s your lunch, Ms. Huckabee Sanders. It’s piping hot!  OMG, I’m so sorry!!!”

“Yes, we have the little packets of ketchup. One to a customer."

"By any chance did you find one of Ralph's fingernails in the salad?"

“Here’s your check. What do you mean? Oh, the prices factor in the impact of the recent tariffs.”  

“Hope you enjoyed your meal, Ms. Huckabee Sanders.  By the next time you come in we should have the restraining order in place.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you think of more?

When It Comes To Korea, Trump has a Farr Better Idea

I want to tell you, friends, it was a very strange situation. 

One day I was in Hollywood taping some spots for ME-TV and two government men with badges approached me and whisked me away and next thing I know I’m in the White House standing in front of Donald Trump.

“Why have you brought me here, Mr. Trump,” I asked.

“You’re the actor Jamie Farr who played Klinger on the television show MASH, aren't you?"

“That’s correct.”

“I’m going to meet Kim Jong-un tomorrow in Korea and I need an established expert on Korea to help me.”

“Sir, I only played a character on MASH, which took place in Korea. I’m no expert on Korea!"  

"You have to know more than I do! You certainly knew enough to wear a dress to attempt to get out of the army. Hadn’t they invented bone spurs yet?

“Why not Alan Alda, sir?”

“That no-talent liberal! What kind of ratings is he getting lately?"

“But, sir …”

“Did you bring your dress?  I want to make sure Kim Jong-un recognizes you for the Korean expert you are if I’m going to get the Nobel Prize.”

The next day we were in Singapore, standing in the meeting hall about to meet Kim Jong-un.

“There he is with his interpreter, Mr. Trump!”

“Look at that ridiculous hair!  Can you imagine a world leader with such goofy hair, Klinger?”

“Yes, Mr. President, I'm afraid I can.”

“Here he comes!  What do I say, Klinger?" 

“From my limited experience, Mr. Trump, you have to earn his trust.  Don’t begin discussing business right away. Establish a relationship first.”

“Mr. Jong-un, I’m the president of the United States Donald J. Trump, I won the American election in a landslide such as no one has ever seen before, and here’s the terrific deal I have for you!”

“You sure are a quick study, sir.”

“We’re going to flood the North Korean landscape with delicious restaurants such as as McDonald’s, Olive Garden, and Applebees.”

“Mr. President, I thought we were supposed to try to make things better here.”

“We are! The people are starving.”

“Yes, but like I said, I thought we were trying to make things better here.”

“In exchange for that, Mr. Jong-un, you must give up all your nukes, bow before Zod, and ... put on a dress like Mr. Klinger here.”

“I don't think that went over well, Mr. Trump."

“Then I’m going to unleash fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen!”

“You’re going to use nuclear weapons?!”

“No, I’m going to jump up and down like a spoiled child until I find the best scapegoat I can.  Maybe even your terrible low-rated television show!”

“But you can’t do that, Mr.  President. MASH is an American institution.”

“So is the Constitution. And you can see what I’m doing to that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Even More Ways that I, Donald J. Trump, am Better than Obama"

  

"Even More Ways I'm Better than Obama"

"Kim Jong-un likes me best."

"My hands are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Has Obama ever given Putin a sponge bath?"

"Obama comes from Kenya while I, a true blue American, don't even know where on the map of South America Kenya is!"

"A family of egrets is living in my hair. Obama only has some mild dandruff."

"I'll bet Obama doesn't even look at pictures of porn stars!"

"Not only did I insult John McCain I insulted every POW in history. Obama never even insulted John McCain."

"Obama's only had one wife. I've had three!"

"Rodrigo Duterte likes me best."

"My ears are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Did Obama ever get birdies back to back on Martin Luther King Day?" 

"Obama couldn’t manage a Russian Reset. I’m going to pull off a Russian Regret!"

"Wait til you hear me sing Amazing Grace!"

"Everything about me is smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Obama ever found a University named after him?"

"Have you ever heard Obama say anything as bi-partisan as There were very fine people on both sides?"

"I know how to have WAY more fun in Moscow than Obama does." 

"Sean Hannity likes me best.  But you knew that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul Ryan Goes on a Job Interview Hoping to Remain Incognito

“Send in the next interviewee, please.”

“Hello, sir.  I’m here to apply for the sanitation job at your company.”

“Fine.  Your name is …”

“Paul Ryan. Paul Davis Ryan.”

“Paul Davis Ryan?”

“That’s correct, sir.”

“Do you always emphasize your middle name like that?"

“Always.”

"Why?"

“To distinguish myself from any other person who might happen quite by accident to have the same name as mine - Paul Ryan - so that people will understand I am just one random Paul Ryan out of a multitude of Paul Ryans and not any one specific Paul Ryan.”

“You look familiar to me.”

“No, I don’t!”  

“I beg your pardon.”

“I mean ... you’re probably mistaking me for Butch Patrick from The Munsters!”

“Could be.”

"Here's my resume, sir."

“I see. Now, Mr. Ryan, I appreciate a thorough resume but yours is a bit unusual."

“How so, sir?”

“You’ve given me way too much information about the early part of your career and very little about the rest.”

“I don't understand.”

"It says in the 1980's and early 90's you worked as a waiter, fitness trainer, salesman, marketing consultant for a construction company, driver for Oscar Mayer who once got to drive the fabled Wienermobile, and numerous other jobs all carefully enumerated."

"So?"

"Mr. Ryan, I don’t really need to know that you worked the grill at McDonald's from May 23, 1987 - February 14, 1988 and references are available upon request."  

“Just trying to show the diversity of my work experience, sir.”

“But what have you been doing since 1995?”

“I ... um ... wanted to spend time with my family. I was only seeing my kids on Sundays  and ...”

“You know, that’s sounds kind of familiar to me.”

"No, no, it doesn’t! Hey, maybe I am Butch Patrick!”

“Why, you’re the Paul Ryan that surrendered control of our country to Emperor Donald I!”

“Surrender is a strong word, sir.  How about graciously tendered?”

“You moron! You asshole!”

“So I left a little government service off the resume. I’ll put it back in.”

“Had you started impeachment proceedings during the spring of 2018 when it wasn’t too late we’d still have air you don't need to decant! There wouldn’t be a big, beautiful wall around California!
   

“Yeah, prob’ly.”

“And the national anthem wouldn’t be “O’ Putin Land!”

“But it is catchy.”

“You spineless, pathetic, weak-willed … wait a minute.”

“What, sir?”

“I just realized you are qualified for one position here.”

“What position is that?”

“My assistant.”

“I’m interested!”

“Good, Mr. Davis. You start next week.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you'll love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and you should order your copy right away.  If you hated this post, I hope when the blue wave does come you are swept away into the swirling pulsating waters with only Paul Ryan's balls as a flotation device.

Trump Fires Special Counsel Mueller for Poor Performance

President Donald J. Trump today fired Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the man charged with leading the investigation into the possible collusion of Trump and members of his administration with Russia.

The reason for the termination: Poor Performance.  

"It is my practice to require every manager in my employ, whether in the Trump organization or the White House," opined Mr. Trump," to complete a comprehensive performance evaluation on an annual basis for each and every employee they manage. I am no exception.”

“In reviewing Mr. Mueller, I have taken into consideration all relevant performance factors in order to complete his evaluation fully and fairly."

The result?

“Mr. Mueller's review has been a total disaster!” Mr. Trump exclaimed. “It is terrible in a way no one has ever seen before!"

The President noted the following performance results:

•  Possesses Hands Smaller than President of the United States - Below   Expectations
•  Takes Illegal Direction from Narcissists - Below Expectations,
•  Stays in Lobbyist’s Home for $50 a night – Below Expectations 
•  Confirms Fake Dossier is Bogus, Especially Part About Peeing in the       Bed - Below Expectations."

 "Bad."

"By contrast, here is an amazing performance evaluation belonging to Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, who is doing an amazing job.  

• Broadly Criticizes Mission of Department He or She Heads - Exceeds Expectations
• Exercises Outstanding Judgment in Mahogany Dining Room Tables - Exceeds Expectations
• Often Stays Awake in Meetings - Exceeds Expectations 

“It is my solemn duty to drain the swamp that was left to me by incompetent Obama who employed only fellow Kenyans, Mexicans, and Rosie O’Donnell.  I had no choice but to terminate Special Counsel Mueller’s services."

"I notified him by tweet today.”

President Trump conceded that Mr. Mueller had performed well in one category on his performance evaluation. On the category ‘Aggressively Pursues Investigation into Trump's Shameless Collusion with Putin’ he did achieve an Exceeds Expectations.

"But one good rating,” noted Mr. Trump “just can't counterbalance all the other poor ones."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you gave this post an Exceeds All Expectations and Then Some!, I hope you rise in your organization so you can one day afford a big beautiful mansion in Connecticut. If you gave it a Sucks Big-time I hope you wind up in somebody's basement. Anybody's basement. But not mine.

Chris Matthews Walks in On His Wife in Bed with Another Man and Still Won’t Let Anyone Else Get a Word in Edgewise

“OMG, Chris, you’re home!

“Kathleen - in bed with someone I’ve never met. Let’s play hardball!”

“Chris, I can explain …”

“Explain?  It’s been a week when explanations have been singularly lacking from the White House or Congress.  An explanation of the positioning of the man next to you in bed would be copacetic given today’s uncertain political climate.”

“Chris, it all started when I ran into …"

“I know, ran into Josh Mandelbaum. I recognize Josh now as a reporter for Reuters who used to hold administrative positions in the second Bush administration.  Josh, are you serious about my wife?”

“First, Chris, I want to say it’s good to be with you …”

“Good to be with you too, Josh. There’s many questions I’d like to ask you regarding how W would have reacted in situations where Trump is predictably floundering. But first about Kathleen.”

“Chris, I never meant ….”

“Back in Philadelphia where I come from I find that people who say they never meant - especially those from the corner of Broad and Girard -  have in reality been carefully planing their misdeeds from the very start.  Kathleen, thoughts?”

“Chris, you’re never home. And you never listen…”

“Of course I listen, sometimes for multiple seconds at a time.  Josh, your intentions about Kathleen?”

“Honestly, Chris, this is only the first time that …”

“I see some indecision on your part, Josh.  It might help you to think about what Bobby Kennedy would do. As Kathleen knows, I have a new book out about Bobby Kennedy, who is a personal hero of mine along with his brother Jack, called Bobby Kennedy: A Raging Spirit available at Barnes & Nobel, Amazon, and fine bookstores everywhere.”

“Chris, it’s not about Josh, but I’m leaving …”

“That’s one of a host of options, Kathleen, and I’ll be hanging to see if that’s the one you do elect. Now, tell me something I don’t know. Josh?”

“Chris, I want to apologize to you …"

“That’s refreshing, Josh, because apologies are something in short supply from this guy who's currently serving as president. Kathleen, tell me something I don’t know.”

“As I said, Chris, I’m leaving ...”

“I think you’ve already made that point clearly and succinctly, Kathleen, and it doesn't bear repeating. Now ... umm ... you there? ... tell me something I don’t know.”

“Chris?”

“Yes, Kathleen?”

“There’s only two guests on the panel … I mean, in the bed … today. Not three.”

“That’s okay.  If there were a third, I wouldn’t let them speak anyway.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like Chris Matthews, I've got a new book out called Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  If you liked this post, you'll love my book.  If you hated this post, I hope Chris Matthews comes to your house and you never get the chance to speak again for your entire life!

Dear Jeff Bezos ... From Michael Cohen

Michael Cohen, Esq.

55 Schmidlap Avenue

New York NY

Mr. Jeff Bezos

Amazon Corporation

201 Coffeesmell Streeet

Seattle WA 

Dear Mr. Bezos:

Please be advised that I am the attorney for a very well-known individual recognized universally both for his highly successful business and show business endeavors who also simultaneously holds an extremely high office in the government of the United States of America.

You’ll never guess who he is.  Don't even try.

Mr. Bezos, my client doesn’t know I am writing to you. It is, however, his firm belief that your company Amazon.com Inc. (hereinafter “Amazon”) poses a major threat to the well-being of America for a number of serious and troubling and generally untrue reasons which he has enumerated elsewhere.*

You have an awfully nice company here, Mr. Bezos.  So many lovely products that you offer to the American public.  Among those many fine products are a wonderful pig shaped hamper, comfy knee-high leg warmers, and a hilarious book by the world-famous humor writer Perry Block.

What a shame if any one of these items got dented, ripped, or dog-eared before being sent out to any one of your valued customers!

A nightmare in customer relations eh, Mr. Bezos?

The attached Non-Disclosure Agreement provides that Amazon will  henceforth no longer disclose to any person whatsoever any information regarding its business, operations, or products by any and all modes of communications including the internet, television, radio, podcast, printed materials, walking around talking to people, miming, signing, and/or Vulcan mind meld (hereinafter “shut the fuck up.”)

In consideration of shutting the fuck up, Mr. Bezos, you will be paid the substantial sum of $130,000! 

You’re probably thinking is this individual - who doesn’t know I am writing to you - good for such a large sum of money?

Frankly I’m going to have to mortgage my house to get the money.  This is not the first time I have done this, and I’m afraid it probably won’t be the last!  And you’d think he’d pay me back at least once or twice, that goddamn chiseling David Dennison (hereinafter “Not the Dude’s Real Name”)

.

Of course Not the Dude's Real Name doesn't know that I am writing to you.

Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Bezos.  I knew you’d see reason.   And let me give you a piece of good advice: don’t even think about hiring some loudmouth hotshot attorney to try to get Amazon out of shutting the fuck up.

Believe me, you and the attorney will have an awfully stormy road ahead if you try it!

Very truly yours,



Michael Cohen, Esq.

*Serious and troubling and generally untrue reasons Amazon poses a major threat to the well-being of America

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you think this post skillfully blends Trump's antagonism toward Amazon and the Stormy Daniels situation, you will also enjoy that hilarious book referenced above by the world-famous humor writer Perry Block. If you think this blending of the two situations doesn't work and this  post sucks, I hope your pig hamper comes alive and eats you!

Wolf Blitzer Crawls Through Nuclear Winter at the End of the World

 Wolf Blitzer climbed through the rubble of the Situation Room at CNN and out into the open air. Dust swirled all around him and the sky was dark and murky.

"This is CNN Breaking News!" he said. "The end of civilization as we know it."

Wolf Blitzer wondered if all his colleagues at CNN were dead. Anderson Cooper dead? True, he deserved punishment for last New Year’s Eve, but this?

Stumbling over the remnants of stores, homes, and Starbucks, Wolf Blitzer heard cries from under a collapsed Starbucks and picked through the rubble to free the poor soul beneath.

“My God, Speaker Ryan!”

“It’s good to be with you, Wolf.”

“Mr. Speaker, it's nuclear Apocalypse!  It’s Armageddon! President Trump has blown everything up!

“That’s concerning."

“Excuse me?”

“Very troubling.”

“Speaker Ryan, we must impeach Trump now!”

“Wolf, now is not the time to rush to any conclusions right after the destruction of the world.”

Wolf Blitzer stumbled forward. Was anyone else alive anywhere?

“Stormy Daniels! How are you?”

“Lousy, Wolf! I was all set to cash in big time, I had an attorney with the disposition of Vin Diesel before his distemper shot, and then this.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Want to have sex, Wolf?  I won’t charge you much.”

“No thanks, Stormy.”

“Do you happen to know if Anderson Cooper survived?”

“He won’t want to have sex either.”

“I thought maybe if he interviewed me again I might hook up for sex with some disgusting base primordial slime.  Believe me, I’m used to that.”

Wolf Blitzer crawled on for what seemed like miles. Then he heard a voice.

“Is anything more fun than a Trump Armageddon?!”

Wolf Blitzer turned and saw President Donald Trump.

“President Trump!  Why did you do it? Why did you blow up the world?”

"That's Fake News."

"Fake News?"

"I didn't blow up the world. Obama blew up the world." 

“That’s a lie!"

"Then it was loser Mueller.  Remind me to fire him for blowing up the world."

"Is there no way to rid ourselves of you? Are you truly unstoppable?" 

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and destroy the Earth and not lose any voters!"

"You already did that."

Wolf Blitzer crawled on through the darkness and decay of the nuclear winter and pondered the end of civilization as we know it.

Maybe, he thought, it was finally time to retire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block-Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. If you hated this post, I hope you get sued by Stormy Daniels' attorney without ever first getting to have sex with Stormy Daniels. But I still want you to buy my book.