Trump and the Genie who Looks Like Matthew Whitaker

And Trump rubbed the lamp and there appeared a genie.

"Oy!  Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck!"  said the Genie.

"I guess all genies say that," thought Trump.

"Welcome, Genie with the light lack of hair!" said Trump. "I am  Donald Trump, your new master who has just rubbed the lamp."

"I knew it was you.  You rubbed me so hard  I was considering hitting up Michael Cohen for money to keep it quiet."

"You know, you look like somebody else I've considered to be sort of my genie," said Trump.

"I know," said the genie.  "Difference is that I'm qualified."

"Do I get three wishes, Genie? " asked Trump.

"You do, of course, that's the law.  Not that you usually pay attention to laws."

"Well, first get rid of the Mueller probe."

"Done! Mueller right now is writing a report stating you were a double agent for the United States who befriended Putin so our intelligence services could learn as much possible about his plans."

"Cool! Never thought of that one."

"That's why I'm a genie."

"Second: I want all women who have accused me of  sexual harassment to shut up."

"That's going to take some work.   How about I just do the ones from A-G?"

"No, I need everyone from A through X.  Damn, wish I knew the alphabet! Maybe I should call Betsy Devos?"

"Probably wouldn't help .... Okay, working on it .... still on it ..... not done yet ....  twins in American Samoa? what a creep you are!  ....  all of 1992 Rockettes!? ... I think I may vomit from this...  Okay, done! No one will say a word."

"Three: I want to be President for life."

"Oh, that one's a softball,"  Master," said the genie. "Done!"

"That's it," bellowed Trump!  I'm President of the United States for life!"

"That you are," replied the genie.  "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to look for the nearest porta-potty.  I  haven't been to the bathroom since the Punic Wars!"

"But wait, what's going on, Genie!  I'm choking!" shouted Trump. "My tiny hands hurt. If I had a tiny penis it would hurt too! Why is this  happening?" 

"Oh, yeah, that's right.  Dude, today happens to the last day you are going to live."

"WHAT!"

"72 1/2 years is as long as you're  s'posed to be around. You eat like a pig, get winded climbing into and out of a golf cart, and use a doctor who looks like the drummer from a Sixties bar band who regularly throws up on stage at the end of each set."

"I'm turning blue, Genie!  I'm bluer than the new House of Representatives.  And why are calling me "Dude?"

"You're no long my master since we've discharged all the wishes, Dude. "

"But ...but ... but ..."

"I did make you President for life, as you asked. "

"Yeah, but it turned out to be fake news."

"Whaddya know, Dude?  Finally something actually did."

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Your Five Minutes of News without Trump!

Much as I like to watch CNN and MSNBC, neither station provides anything resembling comprehensive news of the world.

These days it’s All Trump All the Time from the earliest morning recap of Trump’s outrages of the day before to the midday report on his up-to-the-minute daily disgraces to the late night review of the further deterioration of democracy wrought by Trump within the last 12 hours.

 Important stuff, but what about the rest of the news?

“This is Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. 

Today we’re introducing a new feature. Each hour on the hour we'll have Your Five Minutes of News without Trump! Exclusively on CNN. 

Let's begin.

In India today at least 324 people have been killed in flooding in the southern Indian state of Kerala in what local officials say is the worst flooding in 100 years. Rescuers are battling torrential rains to save residents, with more than 200,000 people left homeless in camps.

This is Sanjay Ray, a 78 year old grandmother.  Everything she owns has been swept away in the rampaging waters.

'What can I do?  It is almost as bad as if I had to live under Donald Trump! Did you see his latest idiotic tweet? 

The FAKE NEWS MEDIA is the Opposition Party.  It is very bad for our Great Country ... BUT WE ARE WINNING!

Go to the United States? No thank you, I'll rebuild here!'

And there is revolution in the African country of Bhatta where King Leopold the III has been unseated in a bloody coup by General Ralph Bakshi.

'There is so much we must do to restore basic order and decency to our country after years of misrule, corruption, and pillage by King Leopold,' said General Bakshi, speaking to victorious throngs in Bhatta Square.

'Fortunately, things are not as horrible as they would have been under Donald Trump! Did you see his latest moronic tweet?

The Failing New York Times wrote a story that made it seem like the White House Councel (sic) had TURNED on the President, when in fact it is just the opposite - & the two Fake reporters knew this. This is why the Fake News Media has become the Enemy of the People. So bad for America!

We must count our blessings!'

And finally earlier today, I spoke with Elinore Brotman, 8 year old musical prodigy known around the world who is in New York for a special concert tonight.

"Hello, Ms. Brotman, we’re delighted to have you here in New York.”

“Thank you, Mr. Blitzer.”

“I must ask you, Ms. Brotman: it's rumored there's a secret agreement among many in the musical community to keep it quiet that you have an intestinal blockage which may prevent you from performing tonight.

“That’s not true, Mr. Blitzer.”

“No?”

“There was no collusion, no obstruction.”

And that’s  Your Five Minutes of News without Trump.” Now back to 55 minutes of All Trump All the Time here on CNN.

This is Wolf Blitzer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you'll like my book Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.

If you hated this post, WTF, try it anyway!

A Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute Exclusive: Trump Reads a Book!

Oh boy, this isn’t going to be easy.

In fact, this may be the toughest thing I have to do in all 13 years of the two terms I serve as the President of the United States, Leader of the Free World, and very smart person who went to Wharton.

I am going to read a book.

Ivanka left me three books but I’m only going to read one because as Commander in Chief of the greatest military force in the history of the world, I’m much too busy for reading unless it’s reading my scorecard at Mar-A-Lago.

Okay, let’s take a look at the first … 

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …”

Wait a minute! What does that mean? That makes about as much sense as any of my tweets.

Oh, I see.

What he means to say is: 

“It was the best of times that anyone had ever seen before because Trump was President, although the Failing New York Times wrote that it was the worst of Times because Trump was President, which was Fake News."

That's much better, but this Dickens guy had the right idea. 

Y'know, he's an example of somebody who's done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one is called The Great Gatsby.

Bet he’s not as great as me!  He’s probably just a Fair to Middling Gatsby. Hmm, he is a rich guy, though.  But this is silly what he does!  He actually pays for stuff!

This Middling Gatsby calls everyone Old Sport.  I like that!

“Hello, Kim-Jong-on, how are you, Old Sport?   How’s the denuclearization going, Old Sport?”

“Roderigo Duterte!  Murder any un-convicted drug dealers lately, Old Sport?”

“Vlad, Old Sport, why …

Oh, you read that too? Don't ever fucking call you that again?"

<"You'd think after all these years I wouldn't still have to call him "Sire!">

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s the last one, Ulysses by Joyce.

Look at how long it is! How many tweets did it take for this Joyce chick to write all this?  I’ve heard this one is sleazy, got itself banned in Boston!

"Stephen Dedalus, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase ..."

Who’s this dude Stephen Dedalus?  What kind of name is Stephen Dedalus?  It’s all Greek to me!

Let’s jump to the end.

“When he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him … Now we’re getting somewhere!…yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes And his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.“

And then?  Where’s the rest of it?  

What? No pussy-grabbing?

“Rudy, get in here! Bring me my jammies and get me a drink of water!

Then read me this book by the Joyce woman and see if you can find the dirty parts!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  If you hated this post, you'll still love my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. 

Why is that? 

It's just the way it works.

When It Comes To Korea, Trump has a Farr Better Idea

I want to tell you, friends, it was a very strange situation. 

One day I was in Hollywood taping some spots for ME-TV and two government men with badges approached me and whisked me away and next thing I know I’m in the White House standing in front of Donald Trump.

“Why have you brought me here, Mr. Trump,” I asked.

“You’re the actor Jamie Farr who played Klinger on the television show MASH, aren't you?"

“That’s correct.”

“I’m going to meet Kim Jong-un tomorrow in Korea and I need an established expert on Korea to help me.”

“Sir, I only played a character on MASH, which took place in Korea. I’m no expert on Korea!"  

"You have to know more than I do! You certainly knew enough to wear a dress to attempt to get out of the army. Hadn’t they invented bone spurs yet?

“Why not Alan Alda, sir?”

“That no-talent liberal! What kind of ratings is he getting lately?"

“But, sir …”

“Did you bring your dress?  I want to make sure Kim Jong-un recognizes you for the Korean expert you are if I’m going to get the Nobel Prize.”

The next day we were in Singapore, standing in the meeting hall about to meet Kim Jong-un.

“There he is with his interpreter, Mr. Trump!”

“Look at that ridiculous hair!  Can you imagine a world leader with such goofy hair, Klinger?”

“Yes, Mr. President, I'm afraid I can.”

“Here he comes!  What do I say, Klinger?" 

“From my limited experience, Mr. Trump, you have to earn his trust.  Don’t begin discussing business right away. Establish a relationship first.”

“Mr. Jong-un, I’m the president of the United States Donald J. Trump, I won the American election in a landslide such as no one has ever seen before, and here’s the terrific deal I have for you!”

“You sure are a quick study, sir.”

“We’re going to flood the North Korean landscape with delicious restaurants such as as McDonald’s, Olive Garden, and Applebees.”

“Mr. President, I thought we were supposed to try to make things better here.”

“We are! The people are starving.”

“Yes, but like I said, I thought we were trying to make things better here.”

“In exchange for that, Mr. Jong-un, you must give up all your nukes, bow before Zod, and ... put on a dress like Mr. Klinger here.”

“I don't think that went over well, Mr. Trump."

“Then I’m going to unleash fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen!”

“You’re going to use nuclear weapons?!”

“No, I’m going to jump up and down like a spoiled child until I find the best scapegoat I can.  Maybe even your terrible low-rated television show!”

“But you can’t do that, Mr.  President. MASH is an American institution.”

“So is the Constitution. And you can see what I’m doing to that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Even More Ways that I, Donald J. Trump, am Better than Obama"

  

"Even More Ways I'm Better than Obama"

"Kim Jong-un likes me best."

"My hands are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Has Obama ever given Putin a sponge bath?"

"Obama comes from Kenya while I, a true blue American, don't even know where on the map of South America Kenya is!"

"A family of egrets is living in my hair. Obama only has some mild dandruff."

"I'll bet Obama doesn't even look at pictures of porn stars!"

"Not only did I insult John McCain I insulted every POW in history. Obama never even insulted John McCain."

"Obama's only had one wife. I've had three!"

"Rodrigo Duterte likes me best."

"My ears are smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Did Obama ever get birdies back to back on Martin Luther King Day?" 

"Obama couldn’t manage a Russian Reset. I’m going to pull off a Russian Regret!"

"Wait til you hear me sing Amazing Grace!"

"Everything about me is smaller and daintier than Obama's."

"Obama ever found a University named after him?"

"Have you ever heard Obama say anything as bi-partisan as There were very fine people on both sides?"

"I know how to have WAY more fun in Moscow than Obama does." 

"Sean Hannity likes me best.  But you knew that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trump Signs Executive Order Barring All Americans from Entry into America

Flanked by White House staff and leading Republican senators and congressmen, President Trump today signed into effect his latest Executive Order, which provides a 90 day ban for entrance into America for all Americans.  The President stated he is taking this action in order to protect every American from Americans.

"Last year, Americans killed over 15,956 Americans," commented Mr.Trump. "Do you think I'm going to allow some American to come into America and kill Americans?  Not on my watch!" 

Pursuant to the order, over 17 million Americans have already been stopped at American airports and deported back to their home country.  Since their home country is America, they are being deported to Little America in Antarctica.

"Everything is going very smoothly," said Mr. Trump,"as I know more about implementing a ban on Americans than any other American ever living in America. In fact, I may extend the ban indefinitely as long as the deadly risk to Americans by Americans continues."

"Or at least as long as the deadly risk to me of being criticized by Americans continues."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get Ready for the Republican Convention!

 "... I don't ... I don't feel well ..."

As the Republican convention convenes this week in Cleveland, many businesses and industries throughout the city are expected to benefit economically. But one nationwide industry is expected to pull down the greatest financial benefit of all.

Composed of eight manufacturers from coast  to coat, the American Barf Bag industry is projected to achieve huge profits over the next week.  "We can't keep up with the demand," said Ernie Kropotkin, President of the Revulso Barf Bag Company in Lander Wyoming. 

Many people are expected to upchuck violently and frequently during the convention, especially on the evening the ticket of Donald Trump and Mike Pence take the podium for the first time.  "I can almost hear the gagging right now!" exulted Kropotkin.

The only concern for the Barf Bag industry is that some people will turn off the convention in disgust after their first two or three pukes, which may result in some barf bags being returned to the store. Mr. Kropotkin isn't worried: "I think people will be sick for weeks afterwards no matter how much of the Convention they can stomach watching."

And who is Mr. Kropotkin voting for in the election itself?

"Me, I'm voting for Hillary because I'm not crazy.  But God bless Trump and Pence!"

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