How to Secede from America Without Really Thinking

There is a Brotherhood of Dumb!

Broadway Beat
by Nels Noodleman

There's a brand new smash hit musical on Broadway these days,  and it's one with a very unique distinction.  

It is the first ever all-singing all-dancing all-moron Broadway musical in history.  It is:

HOW TO SECEDE FROM AMERICA WITHOUT REALLY THINKING

Starring the greatest assemblage of idiots ever seen in New York City since any two or more people who take Donald Trump seriously, How to Secede tells the story of one J. Pierpont Simp, a young man who believes that President Obama is a Socialist-Communist-Muslim-Gay-Lesbian-Transgendered-Pickup Truck Hating-Agent of Satan Who Collects 15% on Every Booking He Makes for Satan maniac, who is also black.

This tuneful romp follows Ponty as he climbs the corp-hate ladder of an organization known as "The Brotherhood of Dumb," which seeks to secede from the United States because Barack Obama has just been elected President instead of a man whose major presidential credential was faking a middling love of NASCAR.

As Ponty, Broadway newcomer Ralph "Guns & Tats" Ferbish gives a performance that is so stupid he actually manages to drool saliva upward because he doesn't know up from down.   He is joined by Delilah Dimmish as Rosemary, a  woman who refuses to share a nation with anybody who doesn't believe the Constitution was written by Jesus and the Second Amendment given by God to Moses on Mt. Sinai but suppressed by the Jews. 

The show starts off with the rousing "How to" ...

This book is all that I need,

How to - how to- secede!

(Wait a minute. Book?) 

and wraps with the showstopper "The Brotherhood of Dumb" ...

There is a brotherhood of Dumb,

Up your ass you stick your thumb!

Oh, aren't you proud to be

Dumb for Eternity

That Great Big Brotherhood of Dumb!

"We're proud to put dumb front and center on Broadway," said producer Perry Block, a man often associated with dumb in his own right, "when it usually exists more naturally in Washington D.C." 

"We feel that in the annals of dumb, How to Secede from America without Really Thinking compares favorably with the actions of some members of Congress who feel it's no big deal to go over the fiscal cliff because, after all, it'a only a ride at Disney World!

Go see How to Secede from America without Really Thinking, folks! 

You'll feel like a Rhodes Scholar. 

From your very own Broadway Buddy, 

Mr. Nels Noodleman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Openly Gray/Bi-Positional Candidate

Out of the Closet at last!

In a stunning public announcement made just yesterday,  all-but-assured Republican candidate for President of the United States Mitt Romney came out of the closet, declaring himself the first ever  "Openly Gray/Bi-Positional"  candidate for President in the history of the nation.

Speaking before an astonished crowd of supporters at the Fragrance Counter at Neiman Marcus in Greenwich Connecticut, Mr. Romney stated "I decided to come out as gray/bi-positional because I can no longer in good conscience deny my true nature.  After all, I didn't choose this lifestyle.  I was born this way."  

Mr. Romney explained that as an openly gray man,  he inevitably sees the "shades of gray" surrounding every political issue, constantly causing him to be "bi-positional," taking positions on both sides of each issue. 

Despite the shock waves set off from coast to coat, many seasoned observers said they had long suspected Mr. Romney of being gray and/or bi-positional. "I used to work Broadway, " remarked  political reporter Nels Noodleman, "and I can spot 'em a mile a way.  It's the dyed hair -  so delicately greased -  the effete manner;  why, just look at how he flip flops!"

Although Mr. Romney is the first ever openly gray/bi-positional  candidate for public office, he is the far from the first ever gray/bi-positional person in American politics.  Many experts conservatively estimate that among members of federal, state, and local government throughout the country, approximately 100% are gray and/or bi-positional, plus or minus  Ron Paul.

Four years ago, the citizens of the United States of America went to the polls and  elected the country's first black president. Are these same voters ready to this year return to the voting booths and  elect the nation's first openly gray/bi-positional president?

"I firmly believe so," said Mr. Romney.  "It's not as if I am asking for the right to marry another gray and/or bi-positional president or anything off the wall  extreme like that."

"I am proud to stand up today for the rights of the gray and bi-positional," added Mr. Romney.

"What happens tomorrow, well,  I'm gray and bi-positional.  We'll see."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Book of Orman

Broadway Beat

by Nels Noodleman

It has been called a cross between My Fair Lady, Fiddler on the Roof, and The Sound of Music but without the boring slow spots and album filler songs.

“The greatest musical I have ever seen!” New York Times Broadway critic Bentley Benchley has raved. “I laughed, I cried, I totally revamped the portfolio to my 401 (k) plan!” And the score, including the hit song People First, Then Money, Then Things (But Mostly Me!)*, has the nation’s toes tapping like a flamenco dancer on crack!

The show is The Book of Orman, Broadway’s smash hit reverential tribute to renowned financial advisor, author, motivational speaker, and kill joy television host Susan "Suze" Orman by legendary South Park satirists, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

This Broadway beat reporter was privileged to catch up with the show’s two creators for a tangy lunch last week at Olive Garden. The duo told me their boundless admiration for Ms. Orman began several years ago when she denied them an on-air request to add several conservative Republican fourth graders to South Park’s regular ensemble of pint-sized protagonists because they failed to “show her the money!”

“Even Cartman loves Suze!” beamed the oft-beaming Mr. Parker. “We skewer just about every half-assed social trend,  ego-maniacal celebrity, and political debacle on the planet,” added Mr. Stone, “but Suze Orman is sacrosanct. And if you don’t agree, you’re a dick!”

The Book of Orman concerns two Mormon missionaries  who set out to bring faith and hope to poor villagers in Uganda terrorized by a vicious war lord who brutally forces them to remain seated during those portions of religious services when they’re supposed to stand and prohibits them from reading silently while I read aloud!

In two and half hours of groundbreaking theater, with a 15 minute intermission for women in the audience to futilely stand in line for the Ladies Room, the missionaries tunefully learn that it isn’t the message itself that’s liberating, it’s that the message be conveyed by an at best marginally attractive but essentially dumpy looking 60-year-old woman  with an irritating manner of speaking and a dopey blonde Dorothy Hamill haircut.

The Book of Orman has won a record setting 37 Tony Awards including Best Musical Score by a Jewish Gay Man, Best Choreography Involving Feet, and Best Actor in a Musical Who Isn’t Nathan Lane.

This reporter was privileged to see The Book of Orman when it opened, and I believe it is the greatest American theatrical experience since Our American Cousin, which I was also privileged to see when it opened. It sets an extremely high bar for the upcoming Side by Side by Stewart, Stephen Sondheim's musical tribute to the infectious and irrepressible spirit and personality of Martha Stewart.

In the words of the great Suze Orman, I’m telling you this is one marvelous show, girlfriend!  If you miss it, you’re a dick!

From your very own  Broadway Buddy,

Mr. Nels Noodleman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The actual song from The Book of Mormon  is You and Me (But Mostly Me!) 

Aquaman: Pull Out The Plug

Broadway Beat

 by Nels Noodleman  

It’s been quite an amazing spring on Broadway, folks!

South Park iconoclasts Trey Parker and Matt Stone have scored the season’s biggest hit with a musical called The Book of Mormon, and the much bally-hooed Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark continues to languish with multiple creative changes, reviews worse than your Aunt Matilda's breath, and a price tag that refers to the National Debt as “Squirt.”

Famed Broadway impresario and notary public Perry Block leaned back in his chair and smiled. “When my new musical opens,” he told me on the QT, “we’ll run them all out of town …. or at least into the lobby where they can enjoy an orange drink and a 35 minute wait for the Ladies Room!" 

That new musical is Aquaman: Pull Out the Plug, based on the superhero comic book Mr. Block used to get beaten up regularly for reading in grade school.

“My musical will shatter the myth that Aquaman is the superhero so boring you’d rather spend an evening with Alan Greenspan,” Mr. Block told this reporter. “Let’s say the late Jacques Yves Cousteau had become deranged and sought to destroy the entire universe! Who else you gonna call in? True, we’ve slightly beefed up Aquaman's powers for his Broadway debut. In addition to talking to fish, he can now also talk to vegetables, such as some parsley!”

I asked about the intriguing new villain the play refers to as "the brilliant but demonically fiendish" Dr. Moriarty.

“Yeah, we snaked him from the Sherlock Holmes books and movies,” readily offered the sly Mr. Block, "since the most exciting villain in the original Aquaman comic books was a mackerel.  Frankly we're also considering swapping out AquaLad for Dr. Watson since they're so busy retooling the franchise with Robert Downy Jr. they'd hardly notice that  Holmes’ sidekick suddenly spends the better part of his time gill breathing at the bottom of the Thames.”

Mr. Block is no stranger to Broadway audiences. In recent years he has produced such classics as Jesus Christ Superstar performed entirely by Hassidic Jews; Enter Slapping, a musical based on the life of Three Stooges centerman Larry Fine; and last season’s musical comedy smash Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady starring Newt Gingrich.

“We have a wonderful musical score with music and lyrics written by the legendary Rogers and Hammerhead (Ouch, folks!)," Mr. Block beamed.  "Among the ‘sure to be a hit’ numbers are If I were a Fishman, the haunting ballad High Tide, Low Tide, and the rousing show-stopper Hello Dolphins!”

“What about safety problems such as those that have plagued the production of Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark?” I queried Mr. Block. “We have had very, very few such issues,” he informed me. “Two or three actors experienced cramps on one occasion they went into rehearsal less than 45 minutes after eating, and our lead actor briefly came down with a very mild case of wrinkly fingertips.”

“I’m thrilled to be able to present a dynamic hard-swimming, singing and tap-dancing Aquaman to a new generation of fans,” Mr. Block enthused as he graciously excused himself and headed out to a 6 or 7 martini lunch at Sardi’s.

Having been around the Great White Way ever since it was called the Pretty Good White Way, this Broadway vet thinks Aquaman: Pull Out the Plug will make one great big SPLASH at the Box Office!  

Break a Fin, Aquaman!

After all, folks, what other superhero can all at once command an army of sharks, swim faster than Michael Phelps, and taste absolutely scrumptious in a butter sauce?

From your very own Broadway Buddy,


Mr. Nels Noodleman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~