The Donald J.Trump Illegal Alien Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services Customer Survey

CUSTOMER SURVEY

 DONALD J. TRUMP ILLEGAL ALIEN 

HUMANE PROTECTIVE CUSTODY

AND PARENT-CHILD REUNITING SERVICES

(Translated from the Original Spanish)

Dear Illegal Alien:

You have recently utilized the services of the Donald J. Trump Illegal Alien Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services (“Donald J. Trump”). Thank you for choosing Donald J. Trump.

In order to help us continue to deliver excellent services to illegal aliens from shithole countries around the world like you, we would appreciate your taking a few moments to complete the survey below.

Thank you for your cooperation!

Instructions

Circle the answer to the following questions most applicable to you and your child or children.

1) Please indicate your country of origin, using five (5) sentences to provide your answer.

a) When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

b) When Guatemala sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

c) When El Salvador sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

d) When Nicaragua sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

2) What did you do in your home country before you illegally entered the United States?

a) Drugs.

b) Crime.

c) Rape.

d) Was Good People.  Among the few.

`

3) Why did you illegally enter the United States?

a) To take jobs away from honest hard-working Americans.

b) To join MS-13 and kill and rape innocent white people.

 c) To go to a sanctuary city and kill and rape innocent white people.

 d) To be a proud law-abiding resident of the United States. For now.

4)  Why did you illegally bring your child or children to the United States?

a) To spruce up bogus asylum claim.  

b) Cost of tuba lessons prohibitive in Guatemala.

c) Just couldn’t shake ‘em!

d) You expect me to carry all that gear myself?

5) Rate your level of satisfaction with Donald J. Trump Humane Protective Custody Services as required by the heartless Child Separation Laws of the Obama Administration which Donald J Trump had nothing to do with.

a) Extremely Satisfied.  Child’s cage was plush and well appointed.

b) Highly Satisfied. Children got to visit New York City!

c) Very Satisfied. Children got to meet and play with other children similarly scarred for life.

d) Satisfied. Peace and quiet at last!    

6) Rate your level of satisfaction with Donald J. Trump Parent-Child Reuniting Services.

a) Extremely Satisfied. Child was returned by deadline in excellent health despite having totally forgotten about me.

b) Highly Satisfied. Child was returned by deadline although new daughter was returned in place of son. But she’s adorable!

c) Very Satisfied. Child not returned but I have been provided dedicated telephone number for constant updates, although calls from El Salvador do get pricey.

d) Satisfied.  Children not returned although Donald J. Trump searching night and day for them in a place called Mar-a-lago.

7) Would you use Donald J. Trump again to provide you with Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services?

a) Yes, because he’s, like, a smart person.

b) Yes, because he went to Wharton and has all the best words.

c) Yes, because he’s building a wall and I am going to pay for it.

d) Yes, because there was no collusion, no obstruction.

8) Add any additional comments you may have regarding the services of Donald J. Trump, including possible negative comments.  ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 Negative comments?  ________________

Thank you very much for your answers which will be of great assistance to Donald J. Trump Illegal Alien Humane Protective Custody and Parent-Child Reuniting Services in providing consistently excellent service for valued customers like you.

Now Scram!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New Guy

A short play on politics of the day in playlet form (mostly). We are in a meeting hall in which presidential candidates are answering questions from reporters.  There is a moderator and two reporters, Sid White and Deborah Stanton.  

Deb

Thank you, Governor Huckabee, that was ... uh ... illuminating to learn God and Wayne LaPierre are on a first name basis.

Huckabee

You're welcome, Ms. Stanton! You know, God personally blesses all semi-automatic pistols and assault weapons.  He has guided me in his namesake to purchase Glock weaponry...

Moderator

Sorry, out of time, Governor Huckabee! We need to bring out the next candidate to speak at this Special Republican Candidates for President Forum.

Governor Huckabee walks off the stage and there is a brief break in the action. 

Sid

Deb ... Pretty sad state of affairs with our party's candidates. The only one who has any charisma is Trump and he's a wacko.

Deb

I know. I haven't experienced anything as depressing as this since HBO renewed The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow. Who's up next? 

Sid

The new guy. I've heard some good things about him. He's plain speaking. He's down to earth. Here's hoping he turns out to be the one to knock off Donald Trump at last.

Deb

I hope so.

Moderator

And the next candidate from the Republican Party for President of the United States, Governor Kent Larson.

Governor Kent Larson, a tall good-looking man, strides up to the podium.

Governor Larson

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor and a privilege to have the opportunity to speak here tonight as part of the Republican Candidates for President Forum. As your newest candidate for the highest office in the land, I am thrilled to share with you some of my ideas to help secure a bright future for the country and the land we all love. 

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Hey, so far, so good. 

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

He's smooth! I think I like him.

Moderator

Deborah Stanton will ask the first question of Governor Larson.

Deb

Governor Larson, many of the Republican candidates still oppose same-sex marriage despite the recent holding of the Supreme Court. What is your position on the subject? 

Governor Larson 

My position on the subject? It would be underneath one of the guys.  Or on top, whatever he likes better. I'm not picky.

Sid, Deb, and Moderator all look at each other.

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Say what?  Did I hear that right?

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

I'm not sure...

DEB

Governor Larson, perhaps there was some confusion about that last question. What I was asking is if you view same sex couples....

Governor Larson

Oh, sure, I like to view same sex couples. In fact, I love it!  Two guys, two girls, doesn't make any difference to me!

Deb

Oh ... my ... god!   I mean ...I mean, oh, my.... how illuminating!

Deb and Sid look at each other in sheer dismay. 

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

Maybe I had too much to drink at the Reporter's Reception. That's gotta be it, that's gotta be it! 

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Yeah, that would explain it. Except we didn't go to the Reporter's Reception! 

Moderator

The next question for Governor Larson comes from Sid White.

Sid

Thank you ... I think.  Now, Governor Larson ... um ... One of the biggest challenges faced by the civilized world is that of ISIS. What are your thoughts on containing ISIS?

Governor Larson

ISIS certainly must be contained and contained effectively. Generally in a good sized cooler! There's nothing like a brewski on ISIS on a hot summer day!

Sid does a double-take, Deb slaps her hand on her forehead.

Sid

No, no, sir, when I say ISIS, I mean the terrorist organization ... the Sunni organization... 

Governor Larson

Oh, well, if it's Sunni out, all the more reason you need plenty of ISIS! Stock up early on a hot day, I always say. 

Deb

(talking louder now)

Uhh, didn't anybody vet this guy?

Sid

(Talking louder too)

Vetted him? Somebody should have gutted him! I can hear the champagne bottles popping right now at the DNC.

Moderator

One more question.  From Ms.Stanton.

Deb

(responding cautiously)

Okay ... okay... sure, one more. Governor Larson, immigration is a big issue these days, and many are concerned about Mexican Immigration.

Governor Larson

Oh yes, if I may, Mexican Immigration is something I've thought long and hard about!

Deb

(to Sid, relieved)

Now we're getting somewhere!

Governor Larson

I love all kinds of Mexican food. Tacos, fajitas, enchiladas, everything!  I've never had immigrations, but I'm sure I'd love them too.

Telephone rings, Deb gets it.

Deb

Oh, Mr. Chairman! Yes, Mr. Chairman. No, Mr. Chairman. I see, Mr. Chairman!

Sid

It's the RNC Chairman, isn't it? What is he saying? He can't be blaming us, can he? He can't be blaming us, can he?  He's blaming us, isn't he?

Deb

Yes, Mr. Chairman!  No, Mr. Chairman! Goodbye, Mr. Chairman.

Sid

What did he say about Larson? 

Deb

He's shot to the top the polls.

Sid

Excuse me?

Deb

Larson's shot to the top the polls. Voters find him plain speaking and down to earth. He has become...

Sid and Deb together

(looking at each other)

The new voice of the Republican Party!

Sid

Who's up next?

Moderator

And the next candidate for President, Donald Trump.

Deb

Thank goodness!  

Sid

At last!  Someone sane. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It

And,  Mitt?  Tell'em Groucho sent ya!






Welcome, I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS News and this is Face the Nation!  Today's guest is Governor Mitt Romney, Republican candidate in the 2012 Race for the Presidency of the United States.

Romney: Thank you, Bob.  "Race for the Presidency," eh?  Think you just coined a really neat new term!

Schieffer:  Uh ... sure.  Thank you ... I think!

Romney:  You're like a working class poet or something, Bob! 

Schieffer:   Um,  thanks again!   Now, Governor Romney, I'd like to ask your thoughts about the President's decision to stop deporting certain illegal aliens who came to the United States as children.  

Romney: Bob, let me answer that this way: 

I don't know what he has to say

it makes no difference anyway.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!   

Schieffer:  Governor Romney, why, you're a Groucho Marx fan, I didn't know!  But tell me, please:  what are your views about the President's new Immigration Policy?

Romney:                                                 No matter what it is,

or who commenced it.

I'm Against It!  

Schieffer: Ha-Ha.  I think!   Then let's look at ObamaCare, which you oppose.  But isn't it modeled on the same health care program you yourself brought to Massachusetts? 

Romney:                                  Your proposition may be good, 

but let's have one thing understood,

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!

Schieffer:  Let me phrase that another way then, Governor Romney.  What are your views on ObamaCare itself? 

Romney:                               And even when you've changed it,

or condensed it,

I'm Against It!  

Schieffer: Governor,  you seem to be against all the President's policies without offering any of your own.  Why is that?

Romney:                  For months before my campaign was born,

I used to yell from night till morn. 

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!

Schieffer:  So you decided on this campaign approach long ago?  How would you describe  your approach?

Romney:                                                 As I've kept yelling 

since I first commenced it,

I'm Against It!

Schieffer: Thank you, Governor, it's been enlightening.  You know,  I had no  idea you were such a huge Groucho Marx fan. 

Romney:  Actually, Bob,  I'm more of a Harpo Marx fan myself.

Schieffer:  Harpo Marx?  You mean the brother who spent his entire career saying absolutely nothing?

Romney:  There you go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~