I am the Retired Doctor in the Nervive Commercial Who is Afraid of the Stairs but Somehow I Have Been Sent Back in Time to Kill Baby Hitler

 It seems I have been sent back in time to kill Baby Hitler.

Well, okay, killing Baby Hitler is a laudable enterprise. I fully support it.

And somebody’s got to do it.

There’s only one problem. I am the retired doctor in the Nervive commercial who is afraid of the stairs, and Baby Hitler is on the first floor and I am on the third!

Madam Hitler couldn’t have been nicer when I materialized suddenly in a room on the third floor of her home in Austria — Hungary in early April 1889.

“I’m happy to rent this room to you, Herr Doctor” she said, “but please keep it down because I have a baby sleeping on the first floor.”

My first night at the Hitler household I crept to the top of the stairway, hunter’s knife in hand, and steadied myself for the deed that would change the course of human history!

But as I attempted to descend the stairs my head began to swivel from side to side — like it does in the commercial — and a terrible truth struck me:

“Sometimes stairs can bring worry.”

Yes, the lives of almost a hundred million people hung in the balance. But what if I should fall and twist my ankle, or even worse, break it? Then where would those hundred million people be?

Who knows how long it would take for my broken ankle to heal? And how much rent would I owe Madam Hitler by then?

Then I remembered: I had packed a bottle of my precious Nervive. I resolved to take a dose, “get my freedom back,” and complete the task before me.

And so the next night, knife again in hand, I downed half a bottle of Nervive and headed once more for the stairs and the good of all humanity!

Only one problem.

Nervive works about as well as you’ve always suspected it does.

Fate works in mysterious ways, but sometimes it can just plain screw up.

I hope Fate will correct its mistake, return me to the present to continue cashing checks from the good folks at Nervive, and send someone else back in time to kill Baby Hitler.

Someone braver and stronger.

Someone not afraid of the stairs.

Maybe you?

Good luck!

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